#and yes if it was unplugged for even a second it would die and id have to reset the smc

[jattendschaton]

my laptop is dead dead dead 😞

[binniedeactivated]

𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐟!𝐲𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐧. || 🌪💦 (1.2)

[ m.list ]

➦ 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 | 𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐟!𝐲𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐧 𝐱 𝐏𝐎𝐂 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥

➦ 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄 | 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐮

➦ 𝐖/𝐂 | 3.6k

➦ 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒 | 𝐈𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐚𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐚 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭'𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.

➦ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 | 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟

POC = person of color

“I think we should give the bridge to heesung”. soobin suggests at the soundboard with headphones on, listening to the recorded single over and over again.  yeonjun ignores soobin’s overly loud tone and pushes his headphones off his ears. “what makes you say that?”.

“I think he can hit those notes at a better range”.

“let us hear it”. beomgyu requests, with taehyun and kai backing him in agreement. soobin unplugs the headphones and drags the slider to the bridge duration, allowing the song to blare through the speaker. the four of the boys nod, seeing where he was coming from. all with the exception of yeonjun whose phone consistently buzzed in his pocket. he fishes it out and reads daniel’s caller ID before putting a finger up.

“hold on guys I have to take this”.

he steps out of the studio and into the much quieter hallway to answer. it was rare that daniel ever called him so he knew it had to be something serious.

“hello? what’s up daniel?”.

“dad? are you coming?”.

yeonjun checks his watch, seeing that it was past 6pm. daniel should’ve been home from basketball practice by now.

“what do you mean am I coming? your mom didn’t come pick you up?”.

daniel sighs into the phone looking around the empty gym. it was just him and his coach left to leave.

“no I think she forgot again. and she’s not answering her phone”.

as much as yeonjun wanted to curse into the phone about leah he kept himself in control. he never wanted his kids to hear him talking about their mother that way. but sometimes she really pissed yeonjun off with her carelessness and there was no other way to express it in her absence.

“don’t worry danny I’m on my way alright? call your sister and tell her I’m coming to get her from ballet too”.

after hanging up the call yeonjun rushes back in the studio and shoves his coat on while frantically grabbing his car keys. “everything alright hyung?”. kai asked, immediately reading yeonjun’s frustrated facial expressions.

“yeah it’s alright I just have to go pick the kids up. leah forgot. text me about any changes made to the song”.

he made his drive on the freeway quicker than the speed limit but that‘s just how yeonjun was. he hated when his children were the last to leave anything, especially when it was due to leah’s forgetfulness. in the car he even tried to dial her number a few times only for it to go straight to voicemail. he wondered what the hell she could be so busy with that could make her forget her children. even if yeonjun had the most hectic day at work, they’re the number one thing he’d never forget.

once he was in front of the school he shuts the driver door and jogs into the gymnasium, shaking the coach’s hand with an apology.

“I’m so sorry about this coach. there was a little miscommunication between me and my wife today”.

“it’s no problem yeonjun I completely understand”. he chuckles finely. but yeonjun did feel bad. he didn’t know what the coach had planned for the evening. suppose him waiting with daniel ruined them? he was truly sorry and embarrassed.

he coupled daniel’s hand in his, “thank you for waiting with him. I’ll make sure this never happens again”.

“it’s really fine yeonjun, you two drive safe!”.

yeonjun bids him a good “you too!”. in exchange before walking daniel to the car. they weren’t even in the car for five seconds before daniel already started his shenanigans. he threw his backpack in the passenger seat and climbs in, strapping his seatbelt across his chest and placing his feet on the dashboard.

“daniel? what did I tell you about that? get your feet off the dashboard”.

he slides them off and huffs his breath. “the front seat is better when you sit that way”.

“oh yeah? what happens if you get into a car accident like that?”.

daniel huffs his breath again and this time adds an eye roll. a message pinged at his phone, and if yeonjun was side eying him correctly he could’ve swore he saw a smirk spread across his son’s face.

“what are you smirking for? who is that?”. yeonjun questions, speeding on the freeway again.

“my girlfriend”.

yeonjun looks at him oddly. “girlfriend? when did you get a girlfriend? you’re only nine years old”.

“yesterday”.

“and you two exchanged numbers that fast? what does her parents think?”.

“dad why are you being so weird? we’re just texting”.

“you’re too young for a girlfriend. and you guys better not be talking about sex”.

daniel fake gags at his father’s words.

“do you even know what sex is?”. yeonjun adds.

“yes dad I know”.

“and that you shouldn’t---”.

“I shouldn’t be having it until I’m 18. I know”. 

being that they were born in the times of advanced technology yeonjun knew he couldn’t quite control his children’s media consumption. he knew they had to know about some things, sooner or later. no matter how much they knew though yeonjun always kept a strict hand. he wasn’t going to just let them go be wild just because they were knowledgeable.

“good, wait here while I go get your sister”. yeonjun parks perfectly in front of the ballet studio and gets out of his car to go fetch her. once he was out of sight daniel immediately unlocks his phone and deletes the text messages he knew his father would flip out about if he saw.

yeonjun sincerely apologizes to the ballet instructor just as he did the coach, promising that this mishap wouldn’t happen again. the more he apologized the angrier he became at Leah, the one who was truly at fault here. nevertheless he grabs myla’s hand, complimenting her about how cute she looked in her purple tutu. she soon climbs in the backseat, scrunching her face up at her older brother.

“daddy how come daniel always get to sit in the front seat?”. she whines.

“because he’s the oldest myla. plus you’re too small for the front seat. we’ve talked about this”.

she crosses her arms and mumbles, “that isn’t fair”.

“life isn’t fair”. daniel rebuttals.

“shut up daniel”.

“you shut up ugly”.

“guys. if I hear another argument on our way home I’m going to make you two hold hands for the rest of the night”.

“ew!”. myla blurted.

“I’d die if I touch her”.

“then stop arguing then. I only want to hear compliments”.

myla fiddles with the ruffles on her tutu for a short moment. “you know what? I love you daniel”.

the oldest boy slowly looks back at her, wondering what in the hell she could possibly be talking about. yeonjun smiled a little obviously pleased that she was being obedient.

“every time I talk to you, you make me feel smarter“. she continues.

“dad! do you hear your daughter? this is why I’m the good child”.

yeonjun knits his eyebrows, “okay number one daniel, you’re not the good child. number two myla what did I just say?”.

the girl pouts her lips a little in response. “daddy I’m hungry”. she whines shifting the subject. that reminded yeonjun, this was around the time leah was supposed to have the kids home already and cooking them dinner. he had the urge to curse again but withheld them for the sake of his children’s ears.

“after we pick up your brother we’re going to go home and eat okay? I’m kind of hungry too”.

on days where the kids had to stay out for extra activities, yeonjun’s mother did the honor of caring for logan until either one of his parent’s picked him up. yeonjun couldn’t be anymore grateful to have his parents involved in his children’s life. all three of them loved their nana and papa dearly, and this showed the most as soon as she swung open the door, both daniel and myla running to hug her and then going straight for their papa.

“oh! look at my babies!! me and your papa was just talking about you both!”. she jeers, and yeonjun smiles before hugging her. “hey eomma”.

“hey junnie, I wasn’t expecting to see you today”. she comments after kissing him on his cheek. yeonjun sighs, already knowing who she was referring to.

“come on, me and your nana bought you both some snacks”. yeonjun’s dad waved off to both daniel and myla, sensing that his wife had something to talk to yeonjun about. once the kids were out of sight the two of them continued their conversation. she safely straps a sleeping logan in his car seat.

“come on eomma”. yeonjun semi-whined, not wanting to talk about it at all. she purses her lips anyways.

“you already know what I’m going to say junnie. you need to divorce her. she’s only good for giving you babies”.

“she’s the mother of my children I can’t just divorce her”.

“yes you can. why are you taking so long to do it? wasn’t she the one that was supposed to pick the kids up today?”.

“yeah....she was”.

she throws her hand on her hip. “and then? did she forget? again?”.

“eomma I really don’t want to talk ab--”.

“what kind of mother forgets her kids junnie? tell me. did i ever forget you when you were little? like ever?”.

“no, you didn’t eomma”.

“so? don’t you see what’s wrong?”.

yeonjun clutches the handle bar of the car seat. he could hear the kids making their way into the living room again so he decided to quickly wrap up the conversation.

“i can’t be alone in this eomma. I really can’t”.

“look daddy! nana and papa bought us sweet rice cakes!”. myla proclaims while twirling the packet in her hand.

“oh god, that’s way too much sugar”.

“don’t be like that junnie. they can eat as much sugar as they want”. his father defended, rubbing the top of daniel’s head while daniel was sticking his tongue out at yeonjun.

yeonjun shakes his head and laughs. he carries the car seat while giving both of his parents a hug, thanking them and telling them how much he loved them before he drove home with his children, overthinking what his mother said.

“okay guys it’s been a long day, make sure you take your showers. Daniel you go first”.

the oldest scoffs, “what?! why me?”.

“because you don’t like to take them. make sure you actually get in the shower this time. don’t just stand outside and leave the water running”.

he huffed his breath for at least the twentieth time today, marching his way to his room. “fine!”.

“and use soap!”. yeonjun shouts directly after him, sitting the car seat on the kitchen table. to his surprise Logan was already woken up by the sound of his voice, fluttering his eyes and curly eyelashes up at his father upon contact.

“hey lolo!”. yeonjun coos, “did you miss me?”.

the baby’s cheeks mold into a small grin, especially since he was finally out of the car seat and instead in his father’s arms. his father’s arms were his favorite place to be.

“daddy can we have rice and chicken for dinner?”.

yeonjun pulls open the fridge gazing at the array of food choices. “yeah what kind of chicken though?”.

“ou! can we have barbecue?”. Myla adds, pulling herself atop of the stool at the kitchen island. yeonjun scrunches his nose, “barbecue chicken with rice? What about baked? With some garlic maybe?”.

“oh what about cheese too?”.

yeonjun snaps his finger with an idea. “what about baked garlic Parmesan chicken?”.

“omg! Daddy can I help you make it? Please please please?”.

“yeah just make sure you wash your hands and stuff okay?”.

this was especially one of the times where yeonjun wished he had home help. sitting Logan down in his high chair was never an easy task to do because logan was quite attached to yeonjun, and he didn’t like sitting down all the time. It took ritz crackers and a handful of yogurt melts to finally get him in his high chair for yeonjun to be able to cook and feed the rest of his children.

this atttachment even went as far as bath time rituals, which yeonjun did with the baby everyday. logan had a baby bathtub for himself but he never liked it. sitting down, looking at his father instead of touching him was enough to drive him insane so he always cried. instead, he liked taking showers with his father. where yeonjun could hold him tightly to his chest while the warm water soothed his backside. he loved the way yeonjun sang to him in there, rubbing his hands through small black strands of hair.

okay, maybe logan is a little spoiled too, but so what.

“dad? do you think I can use some of your body spray tomorrow? I want to smell good”. Daniel asks while forking a piece of chicken into his mouth.

“For what?”.

“For his stinky girlfriend”. myla intercedes.

“you shut up. how do you even know about her?”.

“I know everything”.

“you guys sound like you want to hold hands?”. yeonjun threatens.

“no she started it. but dad can I use some? please?”.

“yeah you can. but why don’t you just ask me if I can buy you some of your own?���.

“because you’re going to say no”.

“when have I ever said no?”.

“when I asked you to buy me a gun like the one on grand theft auto”.

“Daniel that’s a real weapon. A powerful one at that. you can kill people I’d never buy you that”.

“well, anyway, I need to smell nice. I want to show her that she’s with a real man”.

both Myla and yeonjun laughed at the end of his sentence. sometimes Daniel was too delusional for his own good.

“you guys are laughing right now, just wait and see”.

“don’t worry Daniel we will”. Yeonjun playfully promised, knowing Daniel was going to spray himself into a stinking nightmare.

now daniel’s shenenigans were the funny parts at night in the Choi residence. But for yeonjun the most soothing part was when they were all sleeping soundly in their rooms, where he could gain a clear enough head to properly think about what he was going to next in circumstance.

maybe Leah had a knack for clockwork, but she always came into the house when Logan finally fell asleep. And she’d always come into their shared bedroom and get ready for bed as if nothing happened. This is what ticked off yeonjun the most.

he watched her take off all her jewelery and place it in her jewelry box, saying not a word to yeonjun even when she walked in the room.

“so? what happened today?”. he begins, refusing to let her go to bed without having this conversation.

she rolled her eyes. “what are you talking about yeonjun?”.

“you were supposed to pick up the kids today. And even when I called you and even when Daniel called you , you weren’t answering your phone”.

“I had meetings back to back today. I can’t respond to every call that comes to my phone”.

“regardless of your meetings you should pick up your kids. those are your kids Leah. do you know that? Why are you putting work over them?”.

she nonchalantly undresses, changing into her pajamas. as she did so yeonjun couldn’t remember the last time he even touched her body. not that he wanted to anyway.

“Don’t start this yeonjun. I had a long day”.

“So did I”.

“so? What do you want me to say? I’m sorry I forgot yeonjun. I get busy”.

yeonjun stared at her in utter disgust. “What is wrong with you? Be honest do you even want this marriage anymore?”.

of course she wanted this marriage, it provided her with the financial stability she needed.

“Of course I do. But not if you’re going to keep nagging me about the same old stuff”.

“It’s not nagging. why should I have to remind you to do this stuff? you’re a mother before you’re anything else”.

she turns over, throwing the blankets over her shoulder. “I don’t need a speech. I said I was sorry alright?”.

“I’m so sick of you saying sorry. I’m so sick of it”.

“you know what?! how about I just fucking leave you yeonjun? How about that?”.

having awoken from her nightmare Myla crawls to her parent’s closed door. she was hoping to snuggle with her dad but she was a little startled by the yelling. she was hesitant to do anything so she only stayed quiet hoping they’d be finished soon.

“don’t do that. I shouldn’t have to take care of the kids by myself when I have a wife. I want you here. That’s why I’m being like this”.

“I heard you the first time! I said sorry! What else do you want from me? I’m trying my best!”.

“No you aren’t and that’s the problem”.

her silence made yeonjun get out the bed, needing a break before he said something he didn’t mean. he was already pissed that she was repeating the same pattern, but even more pissed that she didn’t seem to care.

“you’re so fucking ridiculous”. he spat just before grasping the door handle and closing the door behind him. he wasn’t expecting to see Myla just a few inches away from the door though, staring up at him innocently. she swallows. she never heard yeonjun that angry before and it kind of scared her.

“daddy? are you okay?”.

“what are you doing up Myla?”.

“I had a bad dream and I was wondering if I can cuddle with you maybe? but you look upset”.

he crouches down to her level pulling her in for a hug.

“I’m not upset baby. Of course you can cuddle with me”.

“daddy? do you and mommy hate each other?”.

“no. I don’t want you to think that okay? we were just talking don’t worry. do you want to go downstairs and eat a rice cake with me?”.

“yes please”.

[morbid-n-macabre]

Dayton, Ohio-

Klonda Richey absolutely adored cats. It was her mission in life to adopt the unloved and unwanted, and to give them a good life. She not only shared her own home with her feline friends, but when Klonda realized she had too many in her own house, there lady actually bought a neighboring home just for her pets! She didn't purchase the house next to her as it wasn't for sale at the time, but the next one over.

The problems only began when someone bought the house in between Klonda's two homes. When Andrew Nason moved in with his girlfriend, Julie Custer, and her 2 children the new homeowner understandably didn't appreciate constantly having all of his neighbor's cats in his yard. He even called animal control on Klonda's pet situation, but nothing was done as the cat's house was in tiptop shape and the felines were very well cared for. The biggest problem wasn't that animal control had been called, but Klonda knew for a fact that Andrew had been inside her second home as the complaint had stated that the kitties had been using a plastic kiddie pool as a litter box in the basement. This was information that no one could possibly have been privy to unless they'd actually been inside the cat's house.

So, Andrew had a sweet little puppy who he kept chained up outside 24/7. Klonda was an animal lover through and through, and she felt sorry for the pup. When no one was around she'd give him water and ensured his food bowl was filled. When Klonda witnessed Andrew actually strike said puppy, she called animal services.

Andrew retaliated by cutting every flower in Klonda's yard, and she began finding dead animals left on her doorstep which she definitely perceived as a threat to her precious cats. So, Klonda put up a chain link fence. Soon, Klonda's house was broken into by a man who, according to witnesses, fit Andrew's description; in response to this, Klonda installed security cameras. Andrew replaced the cute little puppy with 2 viscous pit bulls who he allowed to run wild in Klonda's yard. Yes, at this point the cat loving woman was afraid; she was petrified for the welfare of her own pets.

When Klonda believed there was neglect and abuse going on in the home next door, she notified family services; this was when Klonda's cats started coming up dead, they'd been mauled by dogs. Fearing for her own safety, Klonda hired someone to put up an 8 foot tall security fence; Andrew was upset about this as the fence would've prevented him from easily getting into his own back yard. Andrew harassed the handyman with his two large dogs, and the handyman up and quit. Klonda took her neighbor to court in an attempt to get a restraining order, but Andrew told the judge it was simply a property line dispute; sadly, the judge believed Andrew's lies.

It appears that Klonda was right, there really had been ongoing child abuse in the home next door; the two year old little girl was hurt after being left home alone with Andrew, she suffered a brain injury. Andrew was arrested for abuse, and the children were removed from the home. Andrew completely blamed Klonda for his arrest and the loss of the children since she'd placed a call to protective services in the past. In response, Andrew upped the harassment with the dogs; Klonda was threatened with them on the daily now. Andrew even verbally threatened Klonda; he stated that one of these days he would simply turn his dogs loose and that she would be their food; Klonda instinctively knew that this was not an empty threat; he was aware of the fate which awaited her, and she tried desperately to stop her murder from happening. Klonda called animal control more than 20 times begging someone to help her, she contacted 911 Sixteen Times claiming she was afraid for her life! Unbelievably, nothing at all was done, not even with the surveillance videos which proved without a doubt that she was in grave danger!

On February 7th of 2014 Klonda awoke to perform her morning ritual; she always got up at 4 am and walked over to the cat's house. On this morning when she walked outside her door, Andrew's dogs were waiting for her. They mauled Klonda to death, right outside of her own house, right beneath Andrew's bedroom window! This is the problem, there's no way in hell that Andrew and Julie didn't hear Klonda's murder, a neighbor down the road heard a woman screaming for more than 20 minutes!

The police were not called until 8:20 that morning when a jogger found Klonda's body. She was discovered completely naked; the dogs had ripped the clothing from her body, even her shoes were gone. It was a slow, horrendous death, with pools of blood everywhere. Once on scene, the blood thirsty dogs attacked the police officers and they had to be put down.

Though everyone knows what happened, that he likely set the dogs free to kill her on purpose, that Andrew and Julie had to have heard Klonda being ripped to shreds, nothing much could be done about it. The security cameras which Klonda had depended on were somehow unplugged. Now, some people believe this was done purposely, that someone had likely broken into Klonda's home again and unplugged them, but that couldn't be proven; it is possible that the plug simply fell out. Andrew and Julie were merely charged with failure to control their animals, which was only a misdemeanor! Andrew served 150 days in jail, his girlfriend was only sentenced to 90.

The only good thing to come from this is a new law which was put in place; The Klonda Richey act reforms dog laws. If something like this were to happen today, the dogs will be taken care of before it ever reaches this point. Andrew has, however, been sentenced to 5 years after being found guilty for causing those head injuries to his step daughter.

*There is a doc about this on ID- Fear They Neighbors, and the episode is Hell Hounds.

So, was Klonda a busybody neighbor who needed to mind her business? Yeah, probably. But did she deserve to die? Very few deserve this type of fate! Plus, because of the way these dogs were trained by Andrew, they had to be put down. It's a sad case all together, and it should never have happened considering how many times she tried to get help! Tell me what you think, what kind of punishment should Andrew have received?

[flowerkidlove]

I don't know anything about tmnt but the purble one uhhhh Donatello?

YES i am making a fucking evil scientist face

[ID: a bingo sheet titled "character bingo" with the word bingo capitalized in larger text with one letter over each column.

The first row's spaces are "my special little meow meow. my every waking thought. my dearest blorbo", "I don't have anything against them personally but they failed the vibe check", "I'm the only one who knows anything about them, actually. everyone else is wrong sorry", "if I met them irl I would beat them up (affectionate)" and I would unplug their life support to charge my phone".

The second row has "I like the fanon better for this one", "a pathetic wet cat of a man", "my anti blorbo. I am constantly thinking of them and I hate it", "knowing of their existence fills me with incredibly violent urges" and "they could've been such a good character if they were handled differently".

The third row is "*gently holds*", "don't care about them tbh", "free space", "[long keysmash in all caps]" and "I sincerely do not understand the hype".

In the fourth row there is "they have never done anything, ever, in their life", "I don't even go here but I'd die for them tbh" "not to be a homosexual but jesus fucking christ. Oh. My god. Holy shit.", "Autism™" and "genuinely. What the fuck."

The final row has "will somebody give them a fucking hug jesus christ", "they could pour soup in my lap and I'd apologize to them", "they are literally so based", "there's nothing going on behind those eyes [heart emoji]" and "I want to kiss their poor little head"

Certain spaces in the sheet are colored light purple:

"my special little meow meow. my every waking thought. my dearest blorbo" and "I'm the only one who knows anything about them, actually. everyone else is wrong sorry" from the first row.

"a pathetic wet cat of a man" and "knowing of their existence fills me with incredibly violent urges" from the second row.

"*gently holds*", "free space", and "[long keysmash in all caps]" from the third row.

"they have never done anything, ever, in their life", "Autism™", and "genuinely. What the fuck." from the fourth row.

"will somebody give them a fucking hug jesus christ", "they could pour soup in my lap and I'd apologize to them", "they are literally so based", and "I want to kiss their poor little head" from the final row.

End ID]

(ID from above "Certain spaces in the sheet are colored light purple" done by @autismcupcake)

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)