#and you have no idea how much I detest saying that because California gets shit on for being so blue/liberal by the conservatives

[solvicrafts]

Wow, $250 whole dollars!

[fulldreamsahead]

Cold Feet Cold Body

So we have our players, 3 girls and two boys. In my dream they did not have names so I will just retroactively give them names that I think fit them. My name is Maria. My female friends’ names are Tina and Janine. Tina is a dyed blond with her roots showing, she likes to do smokey eyes but never really washes away the rest of her makeup correctly and it always ends up looking a bit too smudged. Janine is a yes girl with a big mop of curly black hair on her head and warm-toned skin, she is always beautiful and on point. I never get to see myself but in snippits of movement I can see I have dark-ish skin and thick dark colored hair. Our men are Travis, a man who looks like Adam Devine in a Anders Holm-style hat, and Jared his associate, a man that is tall and jacked.

Our plot begins with me being invited to be a bridesmaid at Tina's wedding. We’re living in a relatively metropolitan area that is skirted on all sides by farmland (much like DFW) and her dream, even though she has NO REALATION WHATSOEVER to the country, is to have the ultimate country wedding. She has always liked the idea of barn raisings and such. In her wedding preparations she has become a 'country girl' and even adopted a slight southern twang even though she is from California born and raised. I find this detestable but am very polite and smile through the fields of fake. I want to believe Janine is my guiding light, I try to take her aside to talk about it but in dipping my toe into the water I realize that she cannot even tell the difference and is just elated to be maid of honor. I am at a loss. While preparing for the wedding realize the most perplexing thing; I have not met or heard of the groom, a man by the name of Timothy. For some reason I find it weird that no one is allowed to slang it to Tim, his visage seems too elegant and I am suspicious. Timothy is apparently loaded and rents us out a mansion-like air bnb in the middle-of-nowhere farm country to do our wedding preparations. The wedding itself will be held at a neighboring farm, ONLY 20 miles out and the preparations there are going smoothly. The groom and the groomsmen will be staying at that location, but it is not as updated as our location, and he wanted us to be pampered and have a girls spa weekend prior to the Sunday wedding.

  On Friday morning we arrive, I park and find mysterious Timothy helping his beloved move all her things into the air bnb. It turns out he is actually my high school boyfriend TIM who dumped me after cheating on me with some 'skank' at a party. I found out via an old friend Bernice, who had been at the party and showed me photos of him macking on some blond chick in a skimpy pink tube top and then taking her into one of the bedrooms. We do a flashback of the scene and me dumping him while pouring an entire route 44 over his head. Back in the present I make pleasantries with him. He doesn't seem to remember me but I am not surprised. It's been about 11 years since then and we only dated a few months in freshman year. Tina giddily grabs his arm to officially introduce us and of course Janine asks the stereotypical question of “how did you guys meet?” It turns out that Tina was the 'skank' at the party and we have another flashback revealing so. She refers to the 'me' in the story as 'some bitch' that she gladly stole this hunk away from. She says they lost touch after their one night stand but then by fate they met up again about 6 months ago and the sex was 'just as good'. I am furious, I have been friends with Tina since high school. I know for a fact she knows what I went through, she was with me while I was ugly crying in the high school bathrooms. I am already on edge when she brings out a dog. A big fluffy husky who turns happily at the sight of his owners (Tina and Timothy). My fists clench. That is my dog. This is where it gets really strange, apparently. I lost my dog earlier that year having a bad time (maybe there can be a bad year montage at the beginning of the movie) and Tina offered to help me look. She was the one who insisted that I finally give up after about a month, but I was heartbroken nonetheless. I mention that out loud that he looks just like my Archduke Ferdinand. I can see the cracks in her glass smile as she says “oh hun, not this again, I just loved your sweet pooch so much I had to get one of my own! Is it too soon?” She turns to Timothy to ask him to take the dog with him and I insist it's ok. I have a sure fire way of figuring it out, I just need a moment alone with the dog. After hauling in the rest of the belongings, I say goodbye to TIM much to his discharge.

  We spend the rest of the morning setting up the house and taking stock. There are some farm animals in the house and, while from the outside it looks like a regular old fashioned country two story, on the inside it is a totally decked out fully modern gorgeous property. The backyard has endless greenery rolling up to a crashing wave of cedar forest lining the property. There is a gnarly hundred-year-old oak tree on the eastern half of the property. As Tina is setting up her expansive makeup collection in the bathroom and Janine has decided to lay down on the couch and take advantage of cable, I met up with 'Fluffykins' in the yard. When I had Archduke Ferdinand, I had him micro-chipped. Out here in the middle of nowhere I can't actually get it checked to see if he’s mine but I do remember that he was mistakenly micro-chipped in his butt instead of his back due to his eagerness. I doubt anyone else would make a similar mistake. He follows me eagerly (remembering me?) and I go to investigate a local shed on the property. Opening the door looks like a scene out of a horror move; you see my silhouette power stance in the doorway of the dark and cobwebbed palace of yard instruments. While a stud finder can't identify any microchip information, it can ping you to its location in the dog. A quick swipe over the butt and I hear the ping. I drop to my knees and shed a few tears and hug my dog. He struggles and licks my face in confusion. After I am able to recollect myself I am furious, the rages of Satan burn in my eyes and we have a montage of some stupid things that Tina has done to me over the years. “Oh yeah, those bangs totally suit you!” “No girl that dress does not make you look fat.” “Oh honey, there is no way a man can resist a girl with frosted tips.”

  Oh why did I let her go with me to the salon more than once. This 'bitch' has been ruining my life for years and I am done. I breath in, sigh, and Ferdinand follows me out of the shed and I lock up shop. I go inside and put on my customer service smile and greet Tina who whines at me and asks me where I have been. I tell her that I was just getting some fresh air and she makes a note about how she doesn't want the humidity to throw off my hair because we all have to look in sync. The corner of my mouth twitches but I stay focused.  I ask about food options and she sighs haughtily saying she couldn't get the host to feed us so we are going to have to send someone to go get food. I offer quickly and she thanks me with a fake sickly sweet sound. Everything about her looks like a cracked up doll: the eyes too big, the smile too painted on, and I can't take it. I go down to a local 'grocery store' or shall I say dollar mart and pick up what can be turned into meals for us for the weekend. This is where we meet Travis and Jared. They are bumming it in the back of a pickup in the parking lot, drinking monster energy drinks and doing chew. I put my bags in the car and approach them. They begin to puff out their chests like birds to hit on me and I stop them right in their tracks. “Hey fellas I have a fucked up idea, want in?” They deflate immediately and seem a bit scared of how abrasive I am. I tell them the gist of what is going on and Jared is particularly passionate about taking another person’s dog. I thank him and I ask him if they could pull a little Texas Chainsaw Massacre and come over to scare the shit out of the girls tonight. That will teach Tina to be in a place she doesn't understand and crack her fake-ass exterior. They seem reluctant so I offer them each 50$ and they are in. The plan is they go at the house Strangers style, with no intention of actually entering the house and we will disconnect the phone lines prior. I make a mental note to unplug the girls’ phones and tamper with the lock screens to keep the brightness on so they lose battery and we are 'trapped'. They understand their limits and not to hurt anyone and we are golden. I give them the address and we are set. 

I return with the food and Tina nitpicks my choices while Janine makes the best of it. The rest of the evening is uneventful, while Tina complains that she wishes she had catered a sushi platter to us instead of the burgers we were forced to eat because the meat goes straight to her non existent flat ass. As it gets dark I put my phone plan into action and convince the girls to watch a horror movie to really set the mood. We watch Friday the 13th and at 11 p.m. the fun begins. I hear the boys shit truck putter by on the highway, they honk just driving past the house to alert me that they will be parking down the road and on their way. The movie still has 15 minutes and this could not have been planned better. As the movie winds down the boys make it to the property. First they disconnect the power. The girls scream in the dark and I follow suit, I’m a pretty good actor after years of putting up with Tina's bullshit. As we head as a group for the breaker box outside the house, a light hung just above the small scary shed to make it even more erie is still on and tall Jared is standing under it in a mask. Tina is terrified and runs back inside the house, Janine pulls on my should and screams we need our phones. We run back in, lock the door, and the girls run for their cells phones finding them all to be drained and dead. They also cannot seem to find the cords to their chargers. Tina immediately blames me for my shitty unpacking for some reason and I snap at her in the heat of the moment that her dumb-ass fiancee must have misplaced them! Janine is crying, poor girl, she does not deserve this but she is an innocent bystander in what must be done. Ferdinand is pacing by the back glass door whimpering. Tina asks him what's wrong. He barks and a sickle shines just right and scratches down the glass. The girls freak out and run around the house. Tina makes a beeline for a neighboring bedroom instead of the master for some reason. Meanwhile the boys are laughing outside about what a good job they are doing, they are over in the barn with the other animals laughing about why a sickle is even on the property. “Are they harvesting wheat like the slavery ages?” Travis has a great idea to let the animals out and Jared is skeptical, he doesn't want them to get hurt. Travis says “Why would they? It’s a closed property. They'll probably just run amok.” So Jared agrees and they open the barn and all the cages. The horse runs out first and they snicker about which windows they should harass next. 

Back in the house shit gets real when Tina pulls out a fucking gun from the top of the extra bedroom closet on the second floor. Both Janine and I are twice as on edge. “When the fuck did you get that?!” Janine asks (a huge anti-gun person). Tina says “Shut the fuck up Janine, you know they could have stopped Sandy Hook if the teacher would have been armed.” Janine is furious and Tina loads the gun and holds it loosely in her hand, the two of them bicker and I am panicking. I have to tell the boys to get out as soon as possible this has gone tits up and that is when I here a smash of glass downstairs. Tina takes front position and we all get dead silent. I panic realizing we never set up a safe-word and knock over a decorative vase in the hallway. Tina pivots the gun at me and I shout a little too loudly for her to GET THAT FUCKING GUN AWAY FROM ME, hoping to alert the boys and also scolding myself remembering that I told them specifically not to come inside the house. We reach the bottom of the stairs and we hear some non-specific crashing in an adjacent room, we move around the corner and see nothing and then, jump-scare, it’s the fucking horse, his eyes illuminated red with the flashlight we found in an upstairs bathroom sink cabinet. Tina fires the gun instantly, missing the horse and the thing goes fucking nuts, kicking and neighing destroying everything. We collectively lose our minds and scatter. The boys are on the east of the house and contemplate if that was a gunshot. Jared says “This shit is too much” and that they should bail. Travis agrees and as they pass the gnarled oak they hear a sound and turn. It’s a mother raccoon. Jared punches Travis for scaring him and comments on how cute it is. Travis tells him to fuck off and screams at the animal hoping to scare it off for scaring him. It full on attacks him and he runs careening around the corner of the house with Jared cursing under his breath to help him.

A lot of other high-jinks ensue over the night and in the morning we are all wrecked. Especially Tina whose hair is a rats nest and her smokey eye has become a smokey face. We trapped the boys at some point and somehow by the grace of god they do not blame me, they just say they were trying to have some fun with city girls and something about gentrification of air bnb in the area, surprising everyone with their wit. I took the gun away from Tina and am rubbing my temples with it in my hand. She was too trigger happy anyway. I end up sighing and saying fuck it and come clean about everything, going from screaming to tears, Tina is sympathetic and right when we are about to make up there is a crackle in the tree line and something gray comes running at us in full speed. In total automatic reflex Tina grabs the gun an fires at it thinking its the raccoon, but its Ferdinand, he is hit. Everyone goes into fast motion at that point, we bring him to the vets office and in the waiting room Tina and I have a screaming match and everything comes out.  

Unfortunately like most dreams there is no real ending... Though I wish there was... 

[kyloren]

Man I just wanna enjoy making gifs and graphics and Tumblr does this c0pyright bs stuff :////

I feel your plight, I really do, but this is more than just copyright violation fiasco, or as people started calling it the snappening aka blogpocolyspe aka fuck everything, let’s move to Pillowfort. 

First of all, let’s examine why what’s happening is happening: Blog are being deleted because of DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Act) violations — supposedly, people get take down notices via email with a three strike policy, but I’ve heard some blogs were terminated without warning. Agency sites have been using a third-party software, Okularity [ Our entire team is based in Los Angeles, California. We’ve spent over seven years perfecting software designed to accurately and reliably find, match, and ultimately secure your likeness, images, photography, and video at little cost to you. We’re your image experts and we’re passionate about valuing your content and likeness as much as you do. ] which reserve-searches images and identifies edits on tumblr, which are then taken down by staff and results in blog termination as a way of tumblr to protect itself from getting bombarded with copyright infringement lawsuits. 

Second of all, let’s examine why photographers and agencies are filling copyright complaints. We all raise arms when people slight artists and steal their work, when gifs made by gifmakers are ‘found on google’ and reposted, when people plagiarise fanfiction — these are infringements on our intellectual property. Logic stands, we should also understand and care why agencies file copyright complaints; they are protecting their livelihoods. (Moral grey area of how paparazzi photos in themselves are a violation of privacy aside.) Except, we clearly don’t care. Why? Because it doesn’t concern us directly. These photographers are abstract concepts which threaten our blogs and their existence, so we choose not to give to craps about them. Which is fair, and someone pointed out it’s hypocritical, but it’s more complicated than that. There are no good answers to this part of the argument. At one hand, imagine if you were one of these photographers and your livelihood was infringed upon like this. On the other hand, there’s a great big fucking difference between artists demanding big companies stop exploiting them and stealing their ideas; and blogs being terminated because tumblr is afraid of loosing money to lawsuits. It’s an underdog scenario, and we’re the underdogs, clearly rooting for ourselves. 

(TL;DR: Copyright laws are a fucking nightmare. We both need them and detest them because they can be exploited by entities with deep pockets. Don’t come @ me, but Copyright Laws of South Korea are the fucking worst and easily exploitable and that’s the tea.)

Third of all, there have been arguments that pictures that underwent editing change — change of dimensions, colouring, brightness, etc. — should be reviewed as transformative works and be protected by copyright same as gifs and YouTube videos are. My answer is this: Don’t ask me this, I have no idea. I’m a physicist, not a lawyer, much less one who specialises in copyright laws. Someone more knowledgeable than me needs to address this issue. 

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the thing I did want to talk about: Tumblr Staff. 

Again, it’s obvious why tumblr is taking such firm action with these copyright violation notices than it does with anything else people on this platform have been bombarding them about for eons — MONEY. Lawsuits cost money and tumblr ain’t about that life. 

This platform is riddled with white supremacists, pedophiles, porn blogs, and a variety of other Undesirables #1, who do way more damage to the platform in general, but they don’t cost tumblr the company anything so they are sleeping on them. 

Not to mention the variety of shitty things about this app in general: from the glitches to the ineffective privacy settings, from the goddamn data-mining to the old urls being kept by non-active blogs. General upkeep on tumblr is very poor, -100000000/10, would not recommend. 

Now, one can argue that one should dismarry the staff from the parent company. Maybe tumblr the platform is The Hobbit Trilogy; maybe Yahoo and Oath is the collective studio presence of Warner Bros., New Line Cinema, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, WingNut Film, The Saul Zaents Company, and even, ugh, The Weinstein Company; maybe the staff is Peter Jackson of this; maybe we’re all are just New Zealanders of this affair, and it will all end as badly for as The Hobbit Law had for New Zealand. Maybe I’m fucking reaching with my analogy. Who knows? Certainly not me. 

[update: I’m not shading Peter Jackson, I’m shading the studios involved in the Hobbit movies. Peter Jackson fought to keep production in New Zealand, but the studios ultimately fucked New Zealanders over. The great The Hobbit issue isn’t about Peter Jackson, it’s about big companies throwing their weight around and profiting more out of exploitations of others.]

And why is that? Oh, yeah, because I’m not the goddamn staff. 99% of us aren’t. Everything that I say or you read by other bloggers isn’t 100% of the situation because we don’t know the full situation. Everything you read above and will see below I have extrapolated from my own research into the current situation, but again, I’m not the The Eye of Sauron, I don’t know everything. And why is that? Because the staff hasn’t released a fucking statement, hasn’t told us anything, it has just been turning this hellsite into the last 15 minutes of Infinity War and sowing mass-panic. 

Now, not for me to tell @staff how to run their platform — except, no, I’m a user of this platform, and I’m issuing a complaint. 

I admin a couple of discord servers and whenever we do anything, we put out announcements that we changed thing A and did thing B. If people are dissatisfied, they tell us their concerns and if they are reasonable, we change thing B to thing C to satisfy them. Now, tumblr is hella of a lot bigger than discord server of 300+ members, but at the same time, the staff isn’t composed of three admins and a handful of mods. My point is: Transparency is paramount. Even as an administrator you do things that people won’t like, you gotta go and tell them you’re doing them so they’ll be aware of what the fuck is going on. 

Ignorance breeds fear which breeds mass-panic. And what do we have currently on tumblr? A fucking epidemic of fear. 

So tumblr is might be threaten with copyright infringement lawsuits, so they are taking actions to protect themselves from that by issuing copyright violation notices and terminating blogs. Okay, we don’t like it, but even if we don’t, tumblr should have told us about it instead of acting like a ghoul in the night, snatching blogs out of their cribs, and terminating them. 

Tumblr should have issued a statement telling us what was happening, what should we do and how can we avoid termination, and what we should do to correct our behaviour and avoid being red-flagged. Generally, idk, tell us what the fuck they have been doing and why. Currently, all the information circling tumblr is gathered post-fact after blogs have been terminated and panic has spread. But what do I know? I’m just a dumbass with a computer, same as most of us. If we were any different, we’d be dumbasses on a mobile and on Twitter instead. 

TL;DR: Ultimately, we’re being fucked over. This isn’t just about the latest copyright-prompted fiasco — there has been a long standing problem of how staff and the cooprorate overlords keep treating us like shit and we. keep. taking. it. It’s as if this is a humiliation, revenge-fantasy-fulfillment fic, but we’re the ones revenge is being executed upon. 

[staticscreenwriting]

When you love someone - Billy Hargrove

Synopsis: Billy has a high school diploma and a ring. 

Request:  Could you write eloping with Billy? Like running away in the middle of the night and getting married?

A/N: Thank you for requesting. This was fun to write and I hope it was all you wanted it to be. Keep the requests coming, people :) 

When you love someone Yeah, really love someone Now I know it's right From the moment I wake up 'til deep in the night There's nowhere on earth that I'd rather be Than holding you tenderly

Billy’s hands are clammy as he takes the diploma into his right hand and shakes the principals hand with the other.

He can see the distaste on her face and can’t suppress a little cocky smirk. Principal Murphy is not one of his biggest fans, Billy knows this. In fact everyone knows this. Which makes this moment that much sweeter. It’s a double win in his book. Not only did he actually manage to finish High School with a reasonable GPA he also pissed off his principal and all those who doubted him in the process. And if there’s one thing Billy Hargrove loves more than proving people wrong, it’s proving people wrong about his abilities to actually succeed at something.

His eyes wander towards the crowd of people gathered before the stage. All his peers, some of which he swears he’s never seen before, look up at him. There’s a look of sheer disbelieve on quite a few faces. It’s in that moment, that Billy realizes that him actually walking on stage during graduation, him actually graduating, is kind of a big deal. He wonders how many of these people think he’s genuinely dumb. He’s not. He knows this. He’s just bored a lot and sitting in class listening to underpaid and unenthusiastic teachers drone on about some topic he already knows enough about, never sounded like the best way to spend his time. But he’s not stupid.

Billy spots Susann and Max on the chairs in the very back row. It makes his chest tighten a little. He’s glad they’re here even if he’ll never admit this to anyone ever. He’s glad they care enough to show up even though their relationship is strained at best. Even though he behaves like a huge asshole most of the time.

He’s glad they’re here but he also wishes they weren’t. This is his family now and it’s not the family that’s supposed to be here. It should be his mother sitting there, with a smile on her face and a camcorder in hand, recording every single second of him on stage. But she’s not. It’s something Billy has to learn to live with. She won’t be there for any big events. It makes his chest feel even tighter.

Dad hasn’t shown up.

Billy doesn’t give a shit.  

What he does give a shit about though, is the little flutter his heart does as his eyes meet hers in the crowd.

She’s the reason he’s up there in the first place. Had it not been for the new girl who looked phenomenally in high waisted jeans and ridiculously patterned sweaters he never would’ve started actually showing up to class.

Had it not been for her and the way she looks at him and believes in him, believes that he can be better if he tries, he wouldn’t be up here right now. Had it not been for the fact that she deserves better, that she deserves the world, he wouldn’t have made it.

But he did. He’s here now and the look on her face has made it all worth it. The getting up early, the long nights studying, the being bored out of his mind during class. He’d do it all over again just to see her smile again.

For the first time in a long time Billy remembers what it feels like to make someone proud.

As he walks off stage eyes still locked on hers, the little box in his pocket suddenly feels heavy. It’s ridiculous really. It doesn’t have to mean anything, not yet. There’s no need for him to be anxious. And yet he is. Because uncertainty is the killer of all joy.

“ I’m gonna miss this “ she says and leans her head against Billy’s shoulder, having snuck off after the ceremony, towards the football field and snuggling up on the bleachers for old time’s sake.

“ School ? “

“ Yeah. Kind of. More like — I don’t know. Having a safety net. What if college isn’t what I want it to be ? I’m scared of the future. “

He is too, but for completely different reasons. He’s scared (Y/N) is gonna realise that she’s far too good for a piece of shit like him and leave. He doesn’t say that though, he knows she’d freak out. Billy knows it makes her sad whenever he gets self conscious or questions the strength of their relationship.

So he keeps that to himself.

“ Hey, you have me to fall back on. You’re gonna go to university, I’m gonna find a job. It’s all gonna work out for us. Fairytale ending and all that shit you girls are so crazy about. “ He says instead, and nudges her playfully.

(Y/N) lifts her head and looks into his eyes. He swear he dies a little every time she does, judging by how fast his heart is beating.

“ Billy I love you so very much. I don’t — I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t come to California with me. Thank you for putting my dream before yours. “

She is his dream. Living with her, growing old with her. That’s what he wants from life, nothing more, nothing less. He can’t say that though, that’s some pussy shit.

His hands twitch towards his pocket, towards the box, the ring, his mother’s ring. The one he’d stolen from his dad. It doesn’t belong to his dad. He doesn't’ deserve to have it. He started fucking Susan while Billy’s mom was still battling her sickness. Billy would never forgive him for that.

“ Hey, baby. Listen I — “

“ Oh fuck ! “ (Y/N) interrupts him as she glances at her watch. “ I was supposed to meet up with my parents at the restaurant 15 minutes ago. Can you hold that thought ? I’m assuming you’ll climb my window later tonight, can we finish this conversation then ? “

“No.” He wants to say. “Anxiety will have killed me by then. “

But he just nods and pulls her into a kiss.

“ Do you — do you wanna come to dinner with us ? “ (Y/N) asks, combing her fingers through his hair.

Billy raises an eyebrow in disbelieve “ Your dad hates me. He literally cursed me to hell last time he found me in your room “.

�� I — yeah okay. “ she shrugs sadly “ I wish my parents could see what I see. I’m just glad I’m 18 and they can’t stop me from moving in with you once we leave this shitty place “.

To be quite honest, so is he. He knows (Y/N) loves her parents but they absolutely detest him. He’s just glad she loves him enough to ignore that.

“ I can’t wait to take you to California“ Billy exclaims pulling her into another embrace. Truth be told, he isn’t ready to let her go yet. It means he either has to go home and hang out with people that are technically his family but that he can’t really stand or he can stay here all by himself, which is sad even for him.

(Y/N) softly lays her head on his chest, arms gently wrapping around his hips. “ I hope you get to be more happy there. You’re always so sad. I hope being home makes you happier” .

Home isn’t California anymore though. Home is her now.

He cups her face in one of his hands and for a moment she seems so small and fragile. Nothing like the headstrong girl he’s used to.

“ You make me happy, baby. Wherever we are, as long as I’m with you I’ll be fine “.

And he means it. He truly believes it.

He knows it’s now or never as his fingers fumble the box from his pocket. It’s not like this is a proposal. He just feels like it’s the right time to give her the ring. He knows there’s no one else that should ever get to have it, nobody but (Y/N).

Billy thinks his mom would’ve loved for her to have it. Would’ve loved her.

He can see her eyes widen in shock and her cheeks blush like those of a virgin in a strip club.

“ It’s not an engagement ring. “ he explains.

“ I mean — technically it is but it doesn’t — I mean. Oh god I should’ve rehearsed this. “

He’s a stumbling awkward mess at this point and he’s thanking god and all his lucky stars that none of his classmates, well ex classmates, are around to witness it.

“ What I’m trying to say is, this is my mom’s ring. Neil had it but that asshole didn’t give a shit about her while she was dying in the hospital. He shouldn’t have it. But I want you to have it. Just because I loved her and because I love you. It can mean whatever you want to. Whenever you’re ready let me know and it can be an engagement ring or — or I can get you a new one eventually. A sparkly one with loads of diamonds. I just wanted you to have it because it means something to me and you — you mean more to me than I ever thought was possible. So yeah, here. “

(Y/N)’s eyes are fixated on the simple gold band with the one little sparkly diamond in the middle. She’s quiet for a moment and Billy can already feel his lunch making its way up his throat. He’s that nervous.

Softly, (Y/N) takes a breath and reaches out her hand for him to place the ring on her finger.

“ It’s absolutely gorgeous.” she proclaims, completely enamoured with the piece of jewelry now on her finger. It’s a perfect fit. Just like Billy. He’s a perfect fit for her.

(Y/N)’s breathing starts speeding up and she can feel her heartbeat starting to resemble that of a hummingbird.

“ You okay ? Are you having a panic attack ? “

“ No I — I think we should elope “ .

Smooth jazz is softly playing in what Billy can only describe as a waiting room. The entire room is draped in a fluorescent pink light and everything smells vaguely of vanilla, lavender and fake leather.

He combs his fingers through his mullet, looking at himself in the mirror. There’s a cheap 34 cent top hat from the gas station on his head and a fake flower pinned to the front of his denim jacket.

He can’t believe he’s actually here. The most cliché little white chapel in the middle of Las Vegas. Not because he doesn’t want to marry her, he just can’t believe she wants to marry him. He’s not good enough for her and everyone knows that.

When she had initially brought up the idea of eloping he had honestly believed she was joking. (Y/N) wasn’t like that. She wasn’t impulsive. She was a planner, a worrier. A marriage was a big fucking deal and he didn’t want her to go through with it just because of a some spark of nostalgia and anxiety for the future brought on by their recent graduation.

The more she had talked about it though, the more apparent it became to him that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea and maybe it wasn’t all that impulsive after all. He had wanted to spend his entire life with her and marriage was part of that. Why not start forever early?

She had told him that she didn’t give a fuck about her parents approval anymore and though he knew she was a little hurt that they wouldn’t be there to see her get married, he was ultimately glad her love for him was strong enough to not care about her parents blatant hatred for his person.

Driving past their houses, they both managed to pack a few of their things and leave without either of their families noticing. (Y/N) parents already waiting for her at the restaurant, would come home to a note on the fridge telling them she was fine. And his family … well they wouldn’t miss him anytime soon.

And then, off they went.

29 hours, 15 cream sodas, 3 packs of beef jerky, 12 mixtapes and 1 backseat quickie later they had arrived in fabulous Las Vegas Nevada.

It was different to anything either of them had seen before. It was loud and buzzing and crazy. Everything was lit up.

Billy thought she looked especially pretty in the neon lights.

Standing in the actually chapel now, waiting for the ceremony to start, Billy can’t suppress a smile spreading on his face.

He was never a really happy person ever since his mom had died. Not until he met (Y/N). She’s everything he isn’t and so much more. She single handedly made him change his attitude. Made him approachable, even nice sometimes. A better person.

And above all, she makes him happy.

On their drive to Vegas, a permanent smile had been etched on both their faces and Billy had restored to telling everyone they’d encountered that she was “his fiancee”, which in return made (Y/N) smile even wider.

Now he’s standing in the chapel, Metallica shirt on his body, hands clammy, and that stupid top hat she had insisted he wore, perched on his head.

She deserves more than this and one day he’ll give it to her. A big ceremony with a band and flowers and a buffet.

But now is not that day and they’ll have to make do with what they got. In the end all that matters is they’re here and they’re in love.

He’s nervously standing in front of the officiant, they had considered getting elvis to wed them but that would’ve been 25$ extra and they still needed to save some money for the roadtrip back to Indiana.

(Y/N) had went off in an attempt to find something resembling a wedding dress somewhere along the strip. “Maybe some thrift store or something” she’d said.

Billy had told her he’d marry her in whatever she wanted to wear but (Y/N) had insisted that some things just belonged to a wedding and a dress was one of them.

When the doors open and the music starts he can’t help but turn around. He knows he shouldn’t but they shouldn’t have run off to get eloped either. Sometimes the things you shouldn’t do turn out to be the best decisions.

As his eyes land on her, he can’t help but agree with that statement.

She’s in a puffy white tulle skirt and one of his white Billy Idol shirts tucked into the skirt. There’s red heels on her feet and a pair of red heart shaped sunglasses as well as a headband with a veil placed on her head. She’s holding a bouquet of what looks like fake red carnations.

And she’s smiling.

Billy doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything more beautiful in his entire life. And he’s sure he’s never been more in love with anyone or anything than he’s in love with her in that moment.

That’s his girl. His fiancee. His wife in a few minutes.

He’s speechless as she reaches him and places a kiss on his cheek.

He can’t seem to focus on anything but her. She’s all consuming and when they’d first started going out he hated it. He’d become so fixated on her then. She was all that was on his mind. The first thing he thought about after waking up and the last before going to sleep.

He’d never felt that way before and he hated it, thought there was something wrong.

That was until she’d told him she loved him and he realized, oh yeah, that was love he was feeling.

Ever since then she’s been all he ever needs. All he wants.

The ceremony rushes by and neither of them really focus on the words being said. Their attention rests solely on each other. Adoring glances are shared, soft touches are exchanged and there’s the ever present “ I love you “ hanging above their head that neither of them says but they both feel.

“ Have you prepared any vows ? “ the officiant asks.

Both expect the other to say “no” so when they both anwer with a “Yes, actually “ it’s kind of shocking to either of them.

“ You did ? “ (Y/N) asks, raising her eyebrows in question. It kinda stings for a moment that she’s surprised about it but maybe that’s his own fault. He isn’t good at talking about his feeling, good or bad. Hell it took him a long ass time and two bottles of cheap red wine to tell her that he loved her.

He isn’t good at this at all. And yet he took the time to prepare something while she was getting ready in the dressing room.

“ Yeah. It’s not a lot and it’s not great but — yeah. “

“ Feel free to start. “ the officiant chimes in and Billy takes a breath, focusing back on his bride to be.

“ I’m not good at this, in fact I’m goddamn awful. And I get to swear because this “ he says and motions at the walls around them “ isn’t a real church so it’s okay. I am not that great of a boyfriend but I will try my best to be a good husband. I don’t know why you’d chose me to spend the rest of your life with but I am eternally grateful that you do. I’m not gonna promise you anything because I don’t know what the future might bring but I can tell you that I’ll try my best to make sure you’re happy. To say it with the words of one of our times great poets, Lou Gramm from the band Foreigner, I’ve been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life. I love you (Y/N) ”.

Leave it to Billy to slip the lyrics of a rock ballad into his wedding vows. It was a tad cheesy but (Y/N) loves it. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tears gather in the corners of her eyes and for a moment Billy thinks he’s done something wrong. But then she smiles and places her soft hand on his cheek and his world gets a little brighter. Like every time she smiles.

“ Billy, I think you’re the coolest person I have ever met. There’s no one else I’d rather go on roadtrips with, no one I’d rather go see shitty 60s movies with at the drive in, no one I’d rather move to California with. Oscar Wilde once said to never love anyone that treats you like you’re ordinary. You make me feel extraordinary every single day of my life. You are my best friend and my biggest adventure and I can’t wait for what else life has in store for us. I love you. I love you so much. “

He never knows how to react when she tells him that she loves him or when she compliments him on something. He’s not used to being loved and appreciated. It’s awkward at best and borderline sad at worst whenever he tries to reciprocate but he knows she knows that he shares the feelings. That he too is more in love that he’d ever thought was possible.

“ It’s not time for the rings” the officiant explains, “Did you bring your own or would you be interested in purchasing a pair of our very own limited edition ones ? “

“ No thanks, we brought our own ones. “ (Y/N) replies slipping the ring from her finger and handing it over to Billy. Slipping her hand down her shirt and into her bra, (Y/N) pulls out a chunky silver skull shaped ring.

Looking at Billy’s confused expression, she can’t help but giggle. “ I found it at the thrift store, thought you should have a ring too. Didn’t have a bag to bring it so I stored it in my bra.”

“ You really are something else (Y/N) (Y/L/N) “.

“Do you William Hargrove take this woman (Y/N) (Y/L/N) to be your wife so please answer with, I do “. The officiant continues.

Billy’s eyes lock with her’s and he can’t tell if his heart is beating too fast or not at all.

“ I do “. She smiles at his words. He thinks that’s his favorite view in the world.

“ Please speak with me the following words and place the ring on your bride’s hand. “ speaks the officiant’s voice from his left. He can’t focus on anything but her though.

“ I, William, take you, (Y/N), to be my wife. To share all that I am and all that I have, for all time to come “.

Billy repeats the words, eyes locked with her, only switching up his full name for the shortened version. Mom called him William, that’s reserved for her only.

When the officiant asks the same from (Y/N) and she says I do, Billy swears his heart stops for a second then grows 3 sizes. Everything is so surreal but so right at the same time.

This is his girl, his love, his wife. He didn’t think he’d ever feel loved again and yet here he is, feeling more loved than ever before.

If all the shit he’s been through was meant to happen to lead him to her, lead him to this night, Billy decides it was worth it.

“ By the power vested in me by the laws of the state of Nevada, I take great pride and pleasure as I declare you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride. “

He doesn’t need to be told twice. His lips touch hers softly than more forceful. Their kiss is filled with pleasure and passion and I love yous that aren’t spoken but they are felt and that is all that matters.

Billy pulls away slowly and looks down into her gorgeous bright eyes. The ones that smile when her lips are smiling. The ones that light up her entire face.

He looks at her and he sees the future. A future together. One that’s uncertain but happy. He sees California and their future home. A dog or two. And little kids with the same eyes and the same smile. Kids that will never have to wonder whether they are loved or not because he will make it his duty to tell them every single day how much he loves them.

“ I love you Mr. Hargrove “.

“ I love you too — Mrs. Hargrove”.

They’re sitting in a corner booth in some small 24 hour Burger joint just off the main tourist filled streets. (Y/N)’s legs are draped over Billy’s and they’re both munching away on their Burgers.

It’s not the 5 course fancy meal Billy would love to treat her to but it’s casual and delicious and quite an unconventional wedding dinner and maybe that’s what makes it perfect to them. Because when have the two of them ever been conventional ?

“ Hi you guys, can I bring you anything else ? “ the bubbly waitress asks and walks over to their table with a swing in her step and a smile on her face.  “ Hey you guys had prom tonight or something ? “.

“ Actually “ Billy starts and leans forward to read her name tag “ Samantha, we just got married and I think my beautiful wife and I would like another vanilla miklshake. “

“ Congratulations you guys. Milkshake coming right up. By the way, you’re an adorable couple “.

“ Thank you “ the two call after he as she disappears into the kitchen.

“ She’s right “ Billy mumbles against her skin, burying his head in the crook of her neck.

The speakers start playing a new song and (Y/N) immediately sits up straight “ I love that song !” she exclaims and gets up on her feet. “ Baby, come dance with me. It’s your duty as a husband to dance with me on our wedding night “.

Billy doesn’t dance. But Billy also doesn’t run off and drives to vegas and marries his High School Sweetheart. And yet he does.

His arms wrap around her waist and her’s wrap around his neck.

“ Why are we dancing to Cyndi Lauper of all things ? “ Billy asks placing a kiss on (Y/N)’s head.

“ Because it’s a good song. Shut up grumpy boy. Dance with your wife “.

As he sways to the music, his girl — his wife, wrapped up in his arms. Billy can’t help but feel like life is finally on his side. He feels happy and even though their wedding wasn’t perfect, it was perfect to them. They don’t need fancy clothes and a massive venue and a live band to be content. They just need each other.

And yeah dancing to time after time in a burger joint that’s smelling of old frying grease and cajun spices was far from being the most romantic scenario they can think off but none of it matters and neither of them wants to be anywhere else in that moment.

“ If you're lost you can look--and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting. Time after time “.

(Y/N) softly leans up, quietly singing along to the song, her lips brushing against his ear. And as he thinks about the words, Billy thinks that maybe this song isn’t so bad. Maybe it’s really fitting. Maybe it’s theirs.

[centerofstupidity]

Twilight Chapter 1 Snark

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Interested in reading previous Twilight chapter snarks? They can be found here.

Chapter Summary: Bella shows that she is a shallow, gold-digging bitch. And she meets Edward Cullen, douchebag extraordinaire. 

In the event that this gets flagged, here is another place to read the chapter snark.

Chapter 1 is titled “First Sight.” Which means that Bella will meet sparkledouche.

Bella’s mom is driving Bella to the airport. Personally, I would have killed Bella and dumped her body in the middle of the desert.

It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue.

Despite what Meyer wants us to think, Arizona is not the Garden of Eden. It is hot and dry.

I don’t get why Bella is so fond of Arizona even though she never goes out in the sun.

I was wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.

I’m not sure why Meyer feels the need to tell us this. And items of clothing that you wear do not count as a “carry-on item.”

So Bella is going to live in a rainy town called Forks.

It was from this town and it’s gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old. It was in this town that I’d been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.

We have our first sign that Bella is a selfish bitch.

I will bring this up whenever someone claims that Bella is an unselfish person.

Bella does not care that her mother LEFT her father because it keeps her from living somewhere she doesn’t like.

Bella’s father experienced the end of his marriage, the loss of the woman he loved AND never seeing his only child for many years.

But Bella doesn’t  give a fuck because she isn’t only thinking about HERSELF.

And to add the cherry on top of the shit sundae, she doesn’t care if the time spent seeing her father is shorted to “two weeks”… as long as it is on her terms.

It was to Forks that I now exiled myself— an action that I took with great horror. I detested Forks.

You might be wondering why Bella is going to be living in Forks full-time. After all, Bella has bitched about how Forks is the third circle of Hell.

The alleged reason is that Bella’s mother and stepfather are doing something related to his minor-league baseball career.

Apparently, both Bella’s mom and stepdad don’t have any friends who could take care of a seventeen-year-old for a couple months.

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.

“Even though I’m whiter than snow and hate being outside.”

I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes. How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…

It is bad enough that Stephenie Meyer is hell-bent on depicting Bella as a paragon of virtue. But now, Bella has to be “wise beyond her years”?  

Oh hell no.

Are supposed to believe that Bella has been cooking, cleaning, and paying the bills since infancy? I find this unbelievable.

And if Bella’s mom has the IQ of a houseplant, then how did she travel from Washington from Arizona? Walking?

Bella’s mom tells her that she can come back to Phoenix at any time.

But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.

Here’s an idea. Bella, stop acting like a martyr. And Bella’s mom, grow up.

Flying doesn’t bother me;

At least the bitching and moaning has stopped for a second.

Her Royal Pain in the Ass is wangsting how her father is very happy about her coming to Forks.

Despite Bella having the personality of roadkill, her father has registered her for high school and plans on getting her a car.

But it was sure to be awkward with Charlie. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose,

For someone who is supposedly not verbose, she loves giving whiny blithering rants.

I’d already said my goodbyes to the sun.

Quit being so melodramatic! We get it, you feel like you’re descending into hell because you are going to be living in a town that you despise.

Charlie is Police Chief Swan to the good people of Forks.

Bella Swan…Bella—

Bella means “beautiful”. Stephenie Meyer gave her main character a name meaning “beautiful swan.”

Within the first chapter, we have a selfish, whiny, and melodramatic girl with a Suey name. The worst is yet to come.

My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop.

Whatever the brat wants, the brat gets.

God forbid Charlie says “Tough shit, Bells. You’ve got two options. You can ride in the police cruiser or you walk.”

Anyway, Bella arrives at the airport and Charlie awkwardly greets her.

I stumbled my way off the plane.

Evidently, Stephenie Meyer thinks being clumsy counts as a character flaw.

They make small talk during which Bella thinks about how she is not “allowed to call him Charlie to his face.“

Because calling him Dad would mean you are not in charge. Bella laments that she only has a few bags of clothes that fits into the trunk of the police cruiser.

Bella gets pissed off when Dad announces that he has found her a car.

“What kind of car?” I was suspicious of the way he said “good car for you” as opposed to just “good car.”

Fuck you, Bella. I’m not weeping over her Dickensian poverty.

Bella interrogates her dad where he got the truck and who owned the truck. It turns out that Bella’s car is a Chevy truck once belonged to one of Charlie’s fishing buddies who lives in the local Indian reservation. Bella then sneers that “would explain why I didn’t remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.”

Her dad says that the guy is in a wheelchair and can no longer drive, so Charlie got the truck at a low price.

Bella demands to know what year it is. He says that the truck is old but has a new engine. Bella starts getting all pissy, asking “How cheap is cheap?”

Bella finally calms down once her father tells her that she doesn’t have to pay a penny and it’s a present.

Charlie wasn’t comfortable with expressing his emotions out loud. I inherited that from him.

This is very hilarious since Bella has spent much of this chapter giving whiny rants. And she will be screaming her “luv” for Edward into a megaphone, having two MASSIVE emotional breakdowns in the sequel, and being an intolerable bitch to anyone who is willing to put up with her bullshit.

Bella thanks her dad.

No need to add that my being happy in Forks is an impossibility. He didn’t need to suffer along with me.

You are right, Bella. Charlie doesn’t need to suffer. When you are sleeping, he can smother you with a pillow.

So neither of them talk for a while. And since Bella whines repeatedly like a song stuck on replay, she detests the rainforest that surrounds her.

It was beautiful, of course; I couldn’t deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves. It was too green — an alien planet.

Even if someone plopped El Dorado in middle of Forks, Bella would still kvetch that isn’t Phoenix.

Surprisingly, the one thing that Bella hasn’t complained about is the truck. Bella claims that she likes it because “I could see myself in it."

But the real reason is that she doesn’t have to either "walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in the Chief’s cruiser.”

There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.

How dreadful! Everyone knows that a Mary Sue must have an en suite bathroom! You can’t honestly expect a Sue to SHARE! The horrors!

It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.

I don’t give a damn about selfish and whiny little brat who hates everything and complains about everything 24/7.

I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.

Bella would be devastated if she wasn’t the center of attention.

S. Meyer, this is not the 19th century. Transfer students are not freakish or peculiar. People moving into new towns are no longer a big deal.

Bella is so humble that she assumes that everyone will give a damn about her.

But physically, I’d never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

Here is another Sue trait: being different from mere mortals! She doesn’t fit anywhere! Feel sorry for her!

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete;

Translation: she’s pasty white and is out of shape.

Because Bella is the author’s avatar, she must be beautiful but oblivious to it.

I like how she makes a BIG DEAL out of not being an athlete. I think this is S. Meyer’s subtle way of telling us that athletic women are mannish and undesirable creatures while “proper”  ladies should sit and do needlework.

Apparently, Bella looks like this:

I wonder why…

I didn’t have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

Evidently, S. Meyer thinks being a mega klutz is a real character flaw in an otherwise perfect person. But it isn’t. An actual flaw would being dishonest, lazy, or selfish.

I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn’t just physically that I’d never fit in.

“Poor woe is me! I’m a lonely outsider! Nobody understands me!”

I believe Meyer thinks this makes Bella a complex and unique character but she sounds like every other Mary Sue ever written. All of whom are special, too clever, too misunderstood, and too intellectual for their imbecile peers… But with no evidence to back this up.

I didn’t relate well to people my age.

It’s because you are a cold-hearted bitch who sneers at others and whines 24/7.

Maybe the truth was that I didn’t relate well to people, period.

At least Bella has something in common with most serial killers.

Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs.

Yes, she’s a Special Snowflake and nobody understands her. Bella is just like every other whiny, bitchy, emo teen.

Bella cried all night and “pulled the faded old quilt over my head, and later added the pillow, too.”

If Bella had pressed down, the story would be finally over. Unfortunately, Bella is still alive. She whines about how Forks is making her claustrophobic and good luck avoids her. Bella then balks about Dad having her school pictures on the wall.

After complaining about how her Dad is a loser, Bella decides to whine about the weather. Upon seeing shrubs around the school, she remarks: “Where was the feel of the institution? I wondered nostalgically. Where were the chain-link fences, the metal detectors?”

Where were the shanks? Where were the drug dealers? Where were the rapes? After Bella wishes the school was a prison, she walks inside. There, she meets a helpful and kind woman whom she ignores.

Bella is happy that all the other students have old cars.

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me. I finally exhaled and stepped out of the truck.

See what Stephenie Meyer did? She talked about people biting her in a book about vampires! Truly Meyer has a dizzying intellect!

Bella tries her hardest to avoid people noticing her at all, short of wearing camouflage to blend into the wall.

It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I’d already read everything. That was comforting… and boring.

The public school system clearly failed to run the curriculum by Bella to make sure it met her standards. This is Meyer’s clumsy attempt to convince us that Bella is smarter than everyone else because she reads classic literature.

Even though those books are on the curriculum for many schools.

When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick leaned across the aisle to talk to me. “You’re Isabella Swan, aren’t you?” He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.

And Twilight just got its first cliched nerd. I’m surprised that Meyer didn’t give Eric a pocket protector.

“Bella,” I corrected. Everyone within a three-seat radius turned to look at me.

Because Bella is a Sue, everyone looks at her. She talks to Eric because she needs to meet her politeness quota. Bella can’t stand him and is paranoid that people are staring at her.

Now, Bella isn’t worried that people hate her or think she is a weirdo. She just wants to be ignored because being obnoxious + antisocial= humility. Eric asks Bella about Phoenix and she immediately ignores him. Isn’t she so kind?

“You don’t look very tan.”

“My mother is part albino.”

When Eric fails to appreciate her Wildean wit, she whines “It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn’t mix. A few months of this and I’d forget how to use sarcasm.”

Bella, you need to have a sense of humor before you can lose it.

Bella complains that people spoke to her and were friendly. Bella meets a girl who she can’t be bothered remembering her name. At lunch,  a girl tries to be nice to her and introduced Bella to her friends. 

Bella sits with this girl and her friends at the cafeteria. And Bella doesn’t try to remember their names.

And then IT happens. She sees the sparklepires. Even though Bella bitched and moaned about people staring at her, she proceeds to gawk at the rich hot white people.

One’s a burly meatball, one’s a tall and wiry blond guy, and one’s lanky with “untidy, bronze-colored hair.” Since he’s a Gary Stu, I take it with a grain of salt.

She also remarks that they look like “they could be in college, or even teachers here rather than students."

If that’s the case, then why are they pretending to be high school students for the billionth time?

One female sparklepire is tall and beautiful blonde while the other is pretty pixie girl who is supposed to be quirky.

And yet, they were all exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky pale, the palest of all the students living in this sunless town.

Which means they look exactly like Anita Blake.

Paler than me, the albino.

Bitch, please. You wish you were unique. You’re just whiter than toilet paper from staying indoors all day.

Bella is drooling over the hot people and muses "It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful — maybe the perfect blond girl, or the bronze-haired boy.”

I don’t look through rainbow-colored glasses and immediately interpret any character interaction as being potentially queer. 

But considering the fact that Bella is ogling the sparklepires and Bella will wrap herself around Alice and sniff her skin in New Moon…

I’m confident enough to say Bella is not heterosexual.

Bella asks who are the rich and hot people. They are the Cullens, adopted teenagers who live with the local doctor. Their names are Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice.

Despite knowing nothing about the sparklepires, Bella is convinced that everyone is jealous of how rich and hot the Cullens are.

Bella is extremely fascinated with auburn headed boy named Edward who ignored her except for a single second.

“That’s Edward. He’s gorgeous, of course, but don’t waste your time. He doesn’t date. Apparently, none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him.” She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he’d turned her down.

Of course, Bella would never be so petty. She’s better than all these pathetic, stupid, and ugly girls. Bella is the only one worthy to date Edward Cullen.

Then she bumps into Edward in biology class and is shocked that he looks at her angrily. The horror! Then Bella has a klutz attack.

Edward is leaning away from Bella and is “averting his face like he smelled something bad.” Like a weirdo, Bella sniffs her hair which smelled like “strawberries.” Edward spends the entire class trying to be as far away from her as possible.

And why should Bella pay attention in class? She has more important things to do like lusting after Edward.

He didn’t know me from Eve.

The cover has a half-eaten apple and the epigraph talks about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And now, Eve is mentioned.

My tiny mind can’t believe how clever and subtle Stephenie Meyer is.

He was glaring down at me again, his black eyes full of revulsion.

Thankfully, Edward hates Mary Sues too.

I sat frozen in my seat, staring blankly after him. He was so mean. It wasn’t fair.

“He’s not worshiping me! HE DOESN’T LOVE ME ON FIRST SIGHT! HE’S A MEANIE!"

This is why I don’t believe Bella hates people paying attention to her. Only ONE person won’t touch her a barge-pole. She’s furious and says that he was "mean” and whines that it isn’t “fair”.

And considering the only person ignoring her is the richest boy in the entire school… It shows that Bella is a shallow, gold-digging bitch.

Bella walks to gym with a cute and nice boy named Mike. Of course, she gives him the cold shoulder because he is not Edward Cullen.

Here, P.E. was mandatory all four years. Forks was literally my personal hell on Earth.

Two things, S. Meyer. Brava for perfectly capturing the selfish, immature, whiny, and immature attitudes of girls like Bella.

And in regards to how you use the word “literally”:

We also find out that Bella has volleyballphobia. This is supposed to show that Bella is an adorable klutz. And like a proper damsel in distress,  she hates any form of strenuous exercise.

Then she encounters Edward.

I quickly picked up the gist of the argument. He was trying to trade from sixth-hour Biology to another time — any other time.

In a better story, there would be another reason why Eddy would want to change Biology to a different time.

But in bad fiction, everyone and everything revolves around the Sue.

I just couldn’t believe that this was about me. It had to be something else, something that happened before I entered the Biology room.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe the world does not revolve around you?

It was impossible that this stranger could take such a sudden, intense dislike to me.

“I’m the most beautiful, kind, and selfless girl in the world. How can he resist my charming personality?”

Edward glares at her but was "absurdly handsome."

Bella walks to the truck. She describes the truck as the closest thing to a home in "this damp green hole.”

I headed back to Charlie’s house, fighting tears the whole way there.

“The rich and hot guy hates me! My life sucks!"