#another downside is that they gave everything to me and i cant trust the new students because they keep messing up everything

[incorrect-primarchs-quotes]

Them: Wow you managed to learn how to organize all our different companies' drugs and orders, even the hospital's ones, in such a short amount of time. You have a gift for managing.

Me: Thank you, it's the Ultramarine genes in me.

[sstrawberyfieldsforeverr]

Unknown to you....

So many thoughts, so many unanswered questions, so many things to say and not finding a starting point.

-Will I ever know?

Bottling up, pushing back, ignoring, burying , avoiding feelings. That’s all I’ve been doing for the past 6 months nonstop. Maybe if I don’t think about it, maybe if I just TRY to forget about it, maybe if I just push it far back in my head.. maybe I’ll stop feeling this way. But my subconscious is a bitch; it reminds me of you every Friday night. It reminds me of you while driving around the city. It reminds me of you when I’m trying so hard not to. What do I do? How can I make it stop? I have looked and searched for the answer and I can’t find it anywhere. I have encounters with the memory of you everywhere I go, I see you in the most unfamiliar places. I see you in the eyes of a nice girl at the bar. I see you in the nice gestures of a friend. I see you in the song playing on the background of an Instagram story. I’m reminded of you in everything I do and I want it to stop. I want you out of my head, my mind, my heart but not my life and that’s exactly where you’re at at the moment. No me arrepiento de las cosas que hemos hecho sabes, con el alma por las nubes. Como se lo explicas eso a alguien ? No se. Desde que te fuiste vivo en un eterno NO SE de el que no todos pueden darse el lujo de vivir. Es tanto un privilegio como no, porque te jode. Esa incertidumbre de no saber pero a la misma vez estar bien porque no saber no es algo malo. Como lo voy a hacer para sacarte de mis entrañas mm? No se va por la vida conociendo gente y teniendo la mentalidad de que con esa persona es con quien terminarás casándote algún día. Pero tampoco se va por la vida perdiendo el tiempo en gente con la que no te ves en un futuro compartiendo una casa, una cama, una familia.. todo. Los recuerdos han venido a bailar con tu fantasma y me he vuelto un desaste emocional. Contigo me pasaron las dos; no me veía más de un año contigo pero luego algo cambio y me vi con un par de años en mis espaldas y miré a mi costado y ahí estabas tú. Ahora como se borra eso de un plan futuro? Como se vuelve a empezar de cero ? Dímelo tú que lo estás haciendo a la perfección.

Todo era aún difícil pero al menos estabas tú. Nos emborrachábamos con la mirada pero luego lo jodíamos sin una explicación, un desastre sin nombre. Nos miramos a la cara y ninguno dice nada. Supongo es lo que toca y lo que viene.., supongo. Como se le deja de querer a alguien que se convirtió en más que una prioridad ? Como se le deja de querer a alguien que no solo te dio buenos momentos pero los mejores que alguna vez viviste? Como se sigue adelante si por mas que tratas sigues cayendo en el mismo lugar en donde empezaste? — Dime por qué aguanto yo solo el peso? Por que la rabia me parte el pecho y no se que diablos hacer ya para dejar de sentir de esta manera. Historia sin gloria que nunca termina bien. Aquella ultima vez que nos vimos nunca había sentido más y me asusté. Me asuste porque pensé que iba a ser más fácil dejarte ir después de.., pero no. •••

- I love you. (You)

- You do? (Me)

- Yes, I have never felt this way for anybody... but we need to break up .. (You)

- Wait what? (Me)

- I can’t do this distance, if I get back with you I’ll keep on falling into the same cycle.. (You)

- I love you... (me)

- I can’t be with you... (You)

Next morning...

- hey babe good morning ❤️ (You)

- Hey, good morning.. (me)

- What’s wrong? (You)

- You broke up with me last night, do you not remember ? (Me)

- No I did not, i had a fit but it’s over now... I don’t want to break up with you, I love you. (You)

You’d disappear for weeks... you thought I didn’t know what was happening... you had found somebody to fill your needs.. but you’d come back around and I was there.. why? But not I’m not asking you. I’m asking myself, why did I stay?

Por qué es que veo lo mejor en ti cuando te encargas de hacerme ver todo lo “malo” que dices hay en ti? — Que digo que no me importa? Eso es mentira. Que estoy feliz por ti? Pues si pero no te voy a mentir que me parte el alma no ser el motivo de tu felicidad. Que no se porque me clave tanto contigo. Si es que no eras mi tipo. Yo no te quería. Fue solo un juego en el que después de 3 años la atención que me dabas no caía mal pero si que el Karma es una hija de puta. Si que me enamore y ahora pa’ desenamorarse e’ que ta’ fuerte la cosa.

- Hey nice rings... *you said after not speaking to me in almost a month*

- Thanks *i said*

- How are you *you said*

- I’m good and you *i said*

- I could be better but im good *you said*

- .... *i left*

- Hey!!

- Kharla..

- Woman!!

- Youuuu

- Lady

- Hellooo

- You there????

*you said*

- What happened??? * I said..*

- Nothing *you said*

📞📟📱 *Missed call from •••• *

- you called * i said*

- Yeah it was an accident *you said*

( we had this thing where to break the ice and call each other’s attention we’d “accidentally” call each other.. ) i know why you did it but I didn’t call back... maybe that was my mistake. What would have happened if I had called you back?...

——————————

You had asked for space and I gave it to you. You said you were going to work on yourself before you got into it with anyone regardless if it was with me or the other.. you needed to. The funny thing is that in the process you couldn’t handle the loneliness. You found someone else. But you’d still try to come back but this time around you did not. Was it because you didn’t want to or because you’re trying to respect this one? Which isn’t a bad thing, I give you props for it. But my thing is...

what’s the point of trying to do right in a new relationship and still fuck it up when you damn well know where you had to do it right you fucked it up big time. You fucked me up real bad and I gotta live with that now.

- hey i just wanna say sorry for being so distant and cut and dry lately. I know and an I’m sorry won’t cut it but I’m sorry *you said*

- It’s okay, I haven’t even had time to actually process it. I’ve been busy at work lately and I don’t even have time to think about how I feel or what’s going on around me. *i said*

- Honestly I don’t even know why I texted you. You don’t need to notice it or give me an explanation..... I don’t know why you’re still trying, there’s no point.. (you said)

- I’m not even trying - is said. I haven’t had the time to. Plus, you’ve been doing you so I don’t get what you’re complaining for. ( I said)

- I need to move on and if I keep talking to you I won’t. I’m ready to move on and you’re just a distraction, if I keep seeing you I won’t stop (you said)

I had never felt more pain before. It broke my hard and shattered my soul. Where did I go wrong? What happened to all the love? I came back hoping for change... I came back holding on to the last fucking hope I had and it fucking banished...

- you’re great, you’re perfect, I can’t see myself without you. But I don’t deserve you (you said).

So my question is, why CANT you do something to deserve me? Why can you do right by the rest and not me? What gets me is the fact that you had the chance to change on multiple occasions and you didn’t so I’d like to know if you ever really truly loved me. When you love someone you go against all odds and you gave up on me. You gave up on me when I was on my way to you. We had planned this together. I got here exactly by the time you said you wanted me to move in with you. I couldn’t stand being one more day apart from you but you had found someone already. Why can you be loyal to them and not me? What makes them more special? You said you’d never leave, you said I could always count on you but where are you now? I don’t even know why I’m writing this cause you’ll never see it, you don’t care. But did you ever care about me?

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. My thing is. Why did it become so toxic and why NOW you’re making yourself the victim and making me seem like the “bad one”. Porque una explicación es un erro bien vestido y a ti no te gusta declarar tus errores, igual que yo lo declaro que te hecho de menos. Pero no te hecho de menos a ti, a ti ya no. Echo de menos la complicidad, el pensar que estarías en mi vida para siempre, la amistad que teníamos. Prometimos no dejar que se perdiera la amistad y hoy día no me diriges la palabra. Now I’m just somebody that you used to know, not even. Long and over due break up, an endless loophole. CLOSURE, something I have been seeking but never seem to get. LOVE, love is so many things. Love is support, listening, friendship, trust, freedom, consideration, respect, honesty, working TOGETHER, it is UNDERSTANDING. But on the downside, it is disillusionment, disappointment, it’s HURTING, it’s loving so deep to the point of carving your wounds as deep as your love went. Now what tells me that this love was real or not? Cause here is the thing, I don’t know if I’m too stubborn to understand or if I’m just stupid. Help me understand this kind of love if you may. This is a kind of love that starts as a joke. These two individuals start to play a game in which they say they like each other. But do they really? At first they don’t, it is just the simple satisfaction of getting attention from one another. Now this backfires and leads them to find out that they really DO like each other. After a couple of conversations a relationship is formed, very nice with its ups and downs but still feels real and genuine. It was the kind of love that made you believe in something, in a future. Never in a million years would you have thought that you were going to even consider marrying this person. You’d never think something that once brought you so much joy will also become so toxic. I am not one to say if what they felt was genuine or not but you can’t tell me that just because it looks like you’re gonna go though a somewhat long of a bad period of time in your relationship servers as an excuse to walk out. UNCERTAINTY… A lot happened. So maybe I’ve stayed because I’ve seen how great of a significant other and partner in life they were capable of being and I know with a little help they could go back to it, so I didn’t want to give up but at this point I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if what I’m feeling at almost 4 am in the morning is list or love. I don’t know if I miss you or if I’m just overly emotional and today I was reminded of you in a thousand different things. I don’t know when I’ll stop writing about you but it’s my only outlet. You’ll probably won’t even see this, you won’t. This is just my word vomit but fuck man, I just need to be able to get over you but I fucking can’t. I hate the process, it’s a bitch and it hurts. Are YOU hurting? Do you still think of me? Do you miss me? Can you still listen to the same songs and not go back to one of the million drives around the city we shared? If you loved me the way I did how did you move on to someone else so fast?