#answers .. we hereby conduct this postmortem

[ahdaline]

❝    hey .   hey ,   addy .   look here .    ❞    tyler's got the camera and mini boom mic pointed right at her ,   hop leaned against the side of the countertop .   if she could see the screen of the phone ,   she'd definitely see he's got it zoomed in on her face .    ❝    are you in the middle of something ?   cause i got a few questions to ask you thanks to the fans .   they wanna know .    ❞    he pries his gaze away and glances down at his phone ,   face - up on the counter ,   to read off a question he's got lit up on that screen .    ❝    'what are some of addy's hobbies outside of the tornado wranglers ? '   yeah ,   addy ,   you do anything i don't know about ?    ❞

addy can’t help the regrettably fond roll of when tyler all but bounds into the room, endless energy when she’s just making a sandwich of all things in the carter’s kitchen. she’s not fazed anymore by the camera close by, not running like she had the first time boone had approached her with a wild delight in his eyes and camera in hand, instead it’s just familiar at this point like how she always knows where kate and cathy keep the peanut butter, “ hey there, menace. “ addy quips, cutting her sandwich in half before putting it to the side and starting a second one for the man beside her before turning to face the camera with an amused smile on her face, “ i wish i could say i was, but i have a feeling you still wouldn’t leave me alone. “ 

reaching for the jelly addy digs in the knife, scooping out enough to cover the bread, spreading it across the slice, the question actually gives her pause for a second because she can remember clearly all the things she used to enjoy; painting her nails with kate, reading to gracie, playing video games with praveen .. it’s been a while since she’s done any of those things ( her heart jumps into her throat when she remembers gracie falling asleep on their last face time and all addy could think about was how she was growing up too fast ) .. “ besides, you all keeping me busy .. i guess i like to read. kate got me these books a while ago, i read ‘em whenever i get a chance. “ 

addy still remembers coming downstairs and seeing the parchment wrapped set of books, holding onto them like they were her last piece of kate she could physically hold onto. licking the last of the peanut butter off the knife, addy tossed it into the sink and slid tyler’s sandwich towards him with a turn towards the camera once more, “ now, eat before cathy comes in and yells at us, “

.. @wranglens

[dearreader]

hello fellow members of the tortured poets department.

i know this analysis is several months late but i want to continue this analysis. so if you’ll allow me, let’s discuss the question we’re all dying to know the answer to how did it end?

previous day's here:

standard tracks: masterpost

anthology tracks: the black dog, imgonnagetyouback, the albatross, chloe or sam or sophia or marcus

this song is so fucking sad. i love it so much.

the entire song is just about taylor complaining about people trying to find out what happened between her and her former muse so they can gossip about it. but she describes this as “empathetic hunger” and talks about how people are enjoying or revealing in the breakup because they don’t have to worry about that. this is something i experienced myself with my dads death and everyone asking what happened to him and ended up turning it into gossip. this is, in my opinion, a somewhat universal experience for those who have grieved. because at our lowest low when we can’t understand the world and are numb to it, someone’s asking what happened.

it’s a very hard feeling to explain and describe but this song does it well, in my opinion.

when people say they didn’t understand the album and it she just combines a bunch of big words together to sound deep, the opening line to this song is what i think of. though they’re wrong. the song is very straight forward with what it’s saying and what taylor is trying to say because she’s answering the exact question everyone is asking.

“how did it end? what happened?” and she tells you.

“we hereby conduct this, postmortem.” -> we will now begin to examine something that is dead.

“he was a hotbox (greenhouse) flower to my outdoorsman.” he grew up in a different world than me that was ‘sheltered’ and couldn’t handle being taken from that environment.

“our melodies were such we could not cure us.” they tried to work together, making songs together about their issues, but it wasn’t enough to save them. EDIT: i was made aware that it’s “our maladies” and not “our melodies” which makes sense as it’s a call back to you’re losing me and taylor saying “i was gray in the face/but you wouldn’t admit that we were sick”. i do however think the word choice is interesting, and it might just be taylor using big words to make if sound hard to understand when it’s straightforward (which is the point of the opening). but i think the two terms could go hand in hand, that they made melodies (songs on folkmore) because they were trying to work through their issues but it wasn’t enough to help. the melodies are the maladies, if you will allow me to be that pretentious.

“and so a touch that was my birthright became foreign.” he was her soulmate, they were destined to fall in love and be together. but even still they grew apart and they didn’t know each other anymore.

taylor point blank tells the public exactly what happened to her and joe. she tells us because she knows it’s the question we’re all dying to find the answer to. and then after this she describes how it felt to have the world descend upon her wanting to know what happened, “come one come all it’s happening again”, and start to talk about her. when is the new album dropping? when will she finally settle down? how come she can’t keep a man? etc. and as that is going on she’s healing from a broken heart. she’s mourning this relationship that helped save her at her lowest moment and is now gone. and as she’s grappling with that people start to poke and pry and demand answers.

but the most interesting thing about the song is that it ends with taylor saying that she doesn’t know how it ended. yes, she knows what happened, but she can’t begin to understand how it got this way. how DID it end? how did his touch grow foreign? how could this happen when he helped her at her lowest…

she still doesn’t know… and everyone’s asking her how did it end

[ahdaline]

9 and 26 for the peek inside ask meme !

nine .. with leaving home addy's junk drawer for a while was her glove compartment it was filled to the brim with takeout napkins, road maps, eyeglass repair kits and backup glasses, condiment packets, pictures of gracie and daniel that she took with her ..

post-canon after addy moves into the carters' spare bedroom her junk drawer is more filled with spare screws and bolts, still eyeglass repair kits, sketches and notes about their projects and repairs for the truck post-canon, pens and chopsticks of all things .. the pictures this time are hung up with twine ..

twenty six .. addy mostly listens to the music the rest of the wranglers listen to, the playlists she made with the tamers archived soon after the funerals .. the most used one becomes the one she makes with javi and kate for pitch demonstrations, repairs of the old barn, study sessions after el reno

.. @heavenstrck , @t4mingstorms

[ahdaline]

the overpass 🫢

the all encompassing emotion addy felt was terror, black and threatening as the tornado rushing towards them, beckoning them closer no matter how far and fast they ran. it wasn’t just terror for herself though .. it was terror for praveen who was gone so fast, terror for kate and jeb who were crawling towards the overpass, kate who was hurt and jeb who was trying so hard to protect all of them .. terror. 

addy was breathless trying to climb the incline, soaked and blinking through the rain blinding her and her glasses, ground crumbling and sliding underneath her feet, kate’s hand .. kate’s hand .. kate’s hand .. brushing her fingertips against kate’s feeling warmth for just a second, feeling hope for just a second because kate had her, kate had her and if kate had her everything would be okay .. the irrational and childish thought that they would all be okay was torn away as quickly as she was from kate’s fingertips, kate’s hand covered in blood and staining hers.

she can remember jeb shouting her name, one hand outstretched to hold onto kate and one towards her, the way he always would reach out for them, the way he would’ve done no matter what because he loved them .. and addy loved them both too and maybe that’s what made it okay in the end ( only it hadn’t been the end ) that she knew she was loved, that two people she loved fought for her tooth and nail in the middle of an EF5 tornado .. maybe it was okay because they would be safe, that would be what she wished for before the shrapnel smashed into, breaking her glasses and knocking her unconscious .. kate would be okay, jeb would be okay, javi had to be okay .. a mournful cry for praveen had been silent, lost in the winds just like addy .. 

.. @tornadotame

[ahdaline]

cry, sender wipes tears off receiver's face with their thumbs.

it’s tyler who finds her. 

kate’s screaming her name, javi is telling them to drive drive drive and praveen is gone. 

“ kate ! “ the cements crumbling under her shoes, she can’t get up and kate’s hurt and jeb is holding onto kate .. kate’s screaming with her hand out, 

“ addy ! addy ! addy ! “ kate’s screaming for her, she’s scared and addy’s scared and she can’t breathe, everything hurts and she’s going to die, she’s going to die .. 

“ kate ! “ before she can realize it she’s rolled off the couch and yelping as she crashes to the ground. there’s a shout from somewhere next to her and a pair of hands are helping her up, careful until she’s propped up against the couch, but she needs to find kate .. kate has to be alive .. because kate can’t be gone, kate can’t be dead. “ kate ! “ 

“ addy, addy, “ the voice isn’t kate’s, but it’s familiar and she opens tear-clumped lashes, vision blurry without her glasses but, she recognizes those blue-green eyes and stubbled features .. tyler. “ you with me, addy ? “ 

“ kate .. “ it’s a mournful sound that falls from her lips and it’s been five years and she wants kate, she needs to know kate is okay, needs to see her. 

“ okay, alright. “ tyler’s hands don’t leave her shoulders, but he turns his head to talk to someone else who takes off with hurried footsteps and addy breathes, shallow and fast, “ you gotta breathe, addy, in and out. kate’s alright, kate’s coming. “ 

“ she’s alright ? “ the question is fearful, hopeful and something softens tyler’s features, but before she can breathe, before she can hear his reply the door is slamming open causing her to flinch from the sound. soon though, tyler’s hands are gone and before she can feel unmoored, familiar and gentle hands are at her shoulders, dark eyes and dark blonde hair, 

“ kate .. “ the name is sighed with relief, with a scared hope that kate is going to disappear in front of her eyes like she has so many times before, “ you’re alright ? “ 

in her half-conscious and scared state addy almost doesn’t register the heartbreak that eclipses kate’s features, but it’s kate and she knows kate .. even after five years she knows kate. kate who reaches out careful and cups her cheeks, thumbs brushing away her tears, “ i’m alright, addy. i’m alright, “ 

there’s a line of stitches along kate’s hairline, shadows under her tired eyes, but there’s no grief drawing her features thin and gaunt, no haunted look in those tired eyes and it makes relief, cautious and hopeful unfurl in her chest, “ you’re alright, “ 

kate’s hands are warm where they cup her cheeks and addy feels her whole body sink into the touch, relief swimming through her as she blinks once more, blurry still but she’ll always be able to make out kate .. and javi who hovers just behind the both of them, 

“ i’m alright, we’re alright, “ there’s a firmness to kate’s words, familiar from days of camp outs and chases that makes something grow softly like a flower in her chest as she leans forward to rest her head against the curve of kate’s shoulder, feeling warm skin and breathing beneath her, “ we’re alright addy, “ 

addy’s shaking hand reaches up to grip at kate’s top, comfort in having something to hold, someone to hold, “ we’re alright. “ 

[ahdaline]

“I don’t mind sharing the blankets with you.”

it's a quiet offer, but addy doesn't hesitate to curl her side against kate's with the blanket falling to tuck her closer against the other woman. she's long since put her prosthetic up for the night, not hidden in a way that still makes her fingers itch to tuck it away as much as she can, unwiling to let unknowing eyes see it .. she doesn't.

" good, because there's no way i'm sharing with javi again .. he hogs all the blankets. " addy complains with out any heat behind the words, wiggling around until she winds up facing kate. teasing aside, she'll never say no to kate's offer especially when all she can see is kate driving off, kate crying at jeb's grave, kate crawling out of the wreckage of tyler's truck .. before she can think about it she's reaching out to tangle her fingers in kate's sleep shirt like she can keep her close with just the simple hold, " sides, it's always too cold in these rooms anyways. "

.. @t4mingstorms

[ahdaline]

🏆 This is the Amazing Person Award 🏆 ✨💛 Once you are given this award you are supposed to paste it in the ask of eight different people, who, in your opinion, deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it is sweet to know someone thinks you're amazing inside and out 💛

ahhhh !!!! this gif is an accurate representation of how i felt when i got this because it makes me so happy my fingers jsut want to keep going woah instead of typing and my heart keeps wibbling wobbling in the best ways!

i'm so glad you exist in general and in my life <3

.. @entriprises

[ahdaline]

to do list!

to do list .. post canon ..

one .. wash sheets two .. repair (replace ?? ) augers on ram three .. help kate pack up apartment four .. start on list of repairs for the barn five .. visit scrap yard

.. @fyrewalks

[ahdaline]

25

one .. amazon searches for gracie's birthday presents two .. breakfast places near me three .. haircut tutorials four .. best s'mores recipes five .. three students survive ef5 tornado

.. @b4rtlet

[ahdaline]

25.     five most recent in google search history. 

one .. phantom pains in prosthetic leg two .. scrap yards in arkansas three .. how to get rid of chocolate stains four .. weather (various locations) five .. three students survive ef5 tornado

.. @windflows

[ahdaline]

11. phone home screen. & 12. frequently used emojis.

addy's home screen used to be a picture of her and the tamers squished together that cathy took of them when they were at the farm, addy right in the middle between jeb and praveen .. after the storm she smashed her phone when her mom gave it to her in the hospital, throwing it across the room with ragged shouts to get it away, get it the fuck away ..

after the storm it's a picture of her and gracie from gracie's last birthday, it's a comfort and an anchor when she wakes screaming in the backseat of her car, in scratchy hotel sheets ..

as for emojis she uses the wrench emoji especially when talking with tyler, kate, javi, praveen and jeb got the most of her emojis full of laughing faces, hearts, flowers for kate and of course the tornado emoji

.. @entriprises

[ahdaline]

03 car trunk

addy’s pretty practical about what she keeps in her car; what she needs to take care of her leg, first-aid kit, foil blankets and a weather safety kit (her father had always made sure she had one .. ) as well as blankets and pillows because for a while after leaving home addy was sleeping in her car.

she also has the books kate gave her after the storm, a sweater she stole from gracie's closet .. everything else of hers her parents put into storage after she left.

.. @lvebug

[ahdaline]

❛ how did you get this scar? ❜

it's a careful touch to the scar on her back, still she can't help the flinch away from ellie like the touch burns, " sorry , just .. can you not touch that, please. "

she can still remember the feeling of painpainpain as the debris smashed into, pulling her away from kate, the slice before the air was ripped from her lungs. the wounds had taken a while to heal, infected from the debris and her crawl through the dirt and left the scars behind that she was desperate to cover right now even from ellie's gentle touch, " it was .. it was during a storm, that's all. "

.. @b4rtlet

[ahdaline]

❛ do you remember when we first met? ❜

addy blinks from where she’s resting her head against kate’s shoulder, it’s a long drive in the backseat of tyler’s truck and she knows he won’t listen to anything they quietly talk about without being asked .. it’s one of the things that surprised her about him, how he always knew people, knew when to stay quiet and when they needed a boost of zoomies … she also couldn’t wait until he heard them call them his zoomies. kate’s voice vibrates against her cheek and she enjoys the feeling before she picks her head up, righting her glasses, “ course i do, “ 

a soft smile bloomed on tired features as she spoke, turning her head to face kate, her features highlighted by the moonlight through the windows, a soft breeze ruffling her hair, “ not to get all sappy, but it was a pretty great day for me. “ 

addy could still remember feeling so awkward because kate ? kate was beautiful and brilliant and she had this smile that pulled you in like the sun and addy could’ve hung on her every word even if they were just “did you want to get lunch ?” “did you want to study physics in the library on tuesday ? “ and maybe that should have been one of the markers that she was a lesbian because kyle rivers was brilliant and handsome with his green eyes and crooked smile and the way he always smelled like fresh cut grass, but addy never hung on his words, never felt roller coaster flutters around him like she did kate. 

“ i remember acting like a complete idiot around you at first, “ addy laughed, remembering how her cheeks would flush anytime kate knocked their shoulders together, or cheered with her after exams and that one night addy felt brave enough to finally kiss her .. and maybe kate didn’t feel the same way but addy ? addy became sure of herself in that moment. “ and i remember you making me fun of me because i talked in my sleep whenever i fell asleep in the library. “ 

resting her head against kate’s shoulder once more, addy felt the vibrations of her laugh this time and that would never fail to put a smile on her own features, a low laugh escaping her as she reached across and held kate’s hand with hers, “ i remember thinking you were going to be an important person in my life and i was right about that more than anything else, “

.. @tornadotame

[ahdaline]

❛ do you want to share this? ❜

addy’s got her chin propped up against her hand, blinking slowly against the low hum of the diner they’ve all camped in after a successful day of chasing, it’s a day addy’s been wishing for since el reno, since she found herself in the backseat of tyler’s truck, hanging out his window with her phone, the soft voice of praveen’s in her head calling her crazy in a way that made her smile now instead of her heart caving in little by little. she can tell they’re all exhausted but, wired in a way that only they can understand with each other, it’s a feeling addy’s missed even if she was scared to admit it for so long,  

“ do you want to share this ? “ 

kate’s voice captures her attention and she removes her glasses for just a second to scrub her sleeve over her face, resting them back on her nose .. kate’s nudging a piece of cheesecake in her direction, fork laid on the plate extended towards her. it’s not until she sees the cheesecake in front of her that she realizes how hungry she is, how long its been since she’s eaten anything besides the sour patch kids boone keeps stocked for her in the truck, along with his chocolate .. “ god, yes. “ addy’s grabbing the fork and scraping up a piece before she finishes her sentence, mouth full of cheesecake that tastes like heaven, “ the way i love you right now, kate. “ 

the words are muffled through the mouthful of cheesecake, kate’s laugh a bright sound amongst the drowsiness of their crew, their team, their maybe more once she can bring herself to admit it, “ come on, take a bite because this is the best cheesecake i’ve ever had in my life .. please don’t tell your mama that. “ 

.. @tornadotame

[ahdaline]

"How did you not tell me about this before?"

she doesn’t even mean for kate to find out at all really, it’s not like she was close with her mom as kate was with her mama .. hell addy was closer with cathy than her own mom. it’s just .. she doesn’t want to dim the light that’s coming back to kate’s eyes because she’s missed it so much, missed a kate who wasn’t afraid to touch her, a kate who laughed and chased, who slept in the bed next to hers without waking up with haunted shouts of names past .. 

“ it’s fine, that’s why. “ addy all but whispered in the darkness of kate’s old bedroom that shrouded them as they curled up in the same bed just like when they were girls, “ i didn’t even mean to mention it, but you know your mama, there was no lying to her at all. “ 

the words tinged with almost exasperation are still fond, love for the woman that had stepped up in her life ever since addy was a girl sitting on her kitchen counter, sharing a carton of ice cream with kate, cathy huffing they were going to spoil their dinner without any actual annoyance. addy wasn’t allowed to sit on the counter at home, her mom always fretting they would fall and their dad always grabbing them off in what seemed like a split second. kate’s home was fresh air, it was teasing laughter and jumping on the bed of all things even though they were way too old for it .. but it wasn’t her home with gracie’s french shampoo, her mom’s warm muffins that always melted chocolate on her fingers and her dad sweeping them off the counter with a laugh, sneaking them ice cream when their mom was out grocery shopping .. her home would never be her home again .. 

“ it’s been years, alright ? “ addy feels defensiveness creep into her tone, “ it’s not like it happened yesterday, it’s been years and it’s just .. it’s nothing, kate. “

“ addy .. “ 

she doesn’t realize a tear has fallen until kate is brushing it away, thumb stroking along her cheek in a way that reminds her of her mother’s goodbye and she feels further tears start to fall and hates herself for it, hates herself for still grieving, for grieving stupid muffins of all things, “ it’s so .. it’s so goddamned stupid, i hate it, i hate it. “ 

without thinking about it at all addy leans forward, tucks her head into the familiar curve of kate’s shoulder and neck, hiding tears against kate’s t-shirt, worn and soft against her flushed features, “ it’s been five years, five years and they haven’t called or checked on me or wished me a happy birthday .. “ 

a sob pitches through the darkness of the room that they’ve laughed in, cried, studied, fought in and addy feels an arm wrap around her, hand splayed flat against her back, warmth spreading through the thin material of her sweater that it’s too warm for but, it reminded her of gracie .. “ it would’ve been real when i told you, everything’s real when i tell you and i didn’t .. i didn’t want it to be real, even after five years i didn’t want it to be real .. i still wanted to be somebody’s daughter for a little while longer. “

.. @tornadotame