#anyway I spent every 18th birthday last year dancing to this song

[tess-from-neverland]

Nobody:

Saengtai: Me emborracharé, me emborracharé

Por tu culpa, por tu culpa

Me emborracharé, me emborracharé

Es mi culpa, es mi culpa

[alanncs]

hello my loves , it’s dani aka the ari mascot on the main ! if u don’t already know me , i’m 21 , i’m from toronto which puts me in the est tz , & i have a unhealthy obsession w/ mgk 🥰 hehe , that’s me ! let’s b friends pls !! anyway , i’m so so excited to be back in wealthy with all u angels , i seriously missed everyone so much ! okay , so i’m gonna put some info bout my girl alanna under the cut ... i switched her up quite a bit so i’m xcited 2 be bringing her back ! pls give this a like if u wanna plot with me & i’ll come bother u !!  also pls feel free to msg me on discord for anything 🥰 𝒎𝒈𝒌'𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒆 .#1958

new york’s very own alanna d'alessio was spotted on broadway street , with a striking semblance to hailey bieber !  you may know them as @alanna or hitting the front page of tmz as youngest d’alessio heiress alanna caught trashing nyc four seasons hotel room . according to tmz , you just had your twenty - first birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being reticent , but also charming . things that would paint a better picture of you would be the lingering smell of smoke , anything pink  &  gold  jewelry  . ( cisfemale + she/her  ) * vc/career claim : lennon stella .

                   *  /   𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑠 .

full  name  :  alanna  marie  d’alessio  .

age :  twenty  -  one  .

hometown  :  new  york  city  .

zodiac  chart  : scorpio  sun  ,  aquarius  moon  ,  libra  rising  .

character  inspo  :  alyssa (  the  end  of  the  f*cking  world )  ,  marissa  cooper  (  the  o.c )  ,  hanna  marin  ( pretty  little  liars ) .

                  *  /   𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚   !!  (  tw  : kidnapping , ransom , drugs , ptsd  )

alanna was born heir to the d'alessio family which came with the billion dollar dynasty that her parents created .

her dad is an italian government official  but they grew up in ny basically bc her dad is an ambassador/representative for italy  &  her mother is a super model who also wanted to raise her kids here having lived here her whole life , and so they did . 

she had everything handed to her on a silver platter and her parents expected nothing but success from her because of how wealthy they were, they knew they would never have to worry about providing for her and her siblings , and so they spoiled her with whatever she asked for and more

but that came with a price, she was expected to do everything they wanted of her, go to an ivy league college, follow in one of her parent’s career footsteps

alanna did just that, she got amazing grades in high school and was head of many student clubs, organized prom, got almost perfect on sat’s and exams, and busted her ass to get into a good college despite the fact that her parents could’ve easily gotten her a spot if she didn’t do as well as she did

her life was going so well, she had the perfect boyfriend, perfect group of friends, was on her way to brown university in a couple of months, her parents and her couldn’t have been in a better spot with their daughter

the last thing they expected was for someone, a stranger, to get their hands on their daughter . 

a week after her 18th birthday , she’s walking to school on a monday morning and before she knows what’s happening , there’s something over her head and she’s being dragged into a van and taken from her life

the one thing that was expected, was the $10 million ransom she was held for

basically her dad had some shady dealings with the italian mob & didn’t pay his debts to them for some time - so they kidnapped alanna in retaliation for that

they kept her for 3 days before her parents were able to work with the authorities to get her returned and pay the people in full

surprisingly, she was returned alive but she had to spend two weeks in the hospital afterwards with injuries

once alanna was returned, she wasn’t the same

she told the police what happened to her , but only barely . she didn’t tell her parents or anyone else about what they did to her when she was gone . she didn’t speak , eat or sleep for two months after she got home

she spent the last few months of her high school in bed, she didn’t attend her graduation, deferred from going to brown in the fall, she didn’t see her friends anymore and she broke up with her boyfriend

the people who took her were never caught & she is still to this day completely terrified of going anywhere alone

she never walks anywhere alone 

it took her months to be able to get back to doing normal things again and being who she was before

to this day ,  alanna still struggles with the memories and the ptsd from what happened to her , but she doesn’t speak to anyone about it and she refuses to bring it up in any scenario

she also has a horrible relationship with her father now , having trouble forgiving him for what happened to her

some people know about it as obviously, being as famous as her family is, it was on the news at the time, and everyone she went to high school with knew what happened so sometimes it can be hard to avoid it ( possible connections ? hehe )

                                        *  /   𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚  !!  (  tw : drugs )

ok here comes the fun part hehe where i changed her up a bit !

alanna’s def still wild ! i’ve decided to tone it up a few notches this time around

so she’s completely intertwined in the nyc party scene , like , you’ll see her at any big club or party every weekend and tbh probably on a wednesday you’ll see her there too

she kinda acts like nicole & paris on the  simple life lmao like she’s always doing dumb shit 

she’s always under some kind of influence whether it be cocaine , weed , alcohol , shrooms , percs , she’s always gotta be on something 

after dropping out of school , she knew she wanted to pursue a career in the industry , growing up she was a child actress &  did some dancing 

she always had a knack for singing & songwriter , got her first guitar at the age of six & just never stopped

it was always like an escape from reality for her , just to have music playing and let her voice go free

so after making some money through instagram modelling & some professional 

she decided to pursue her music career this past year 

her vc is lennon stella cus i just feel like the songs fit alanna perfectly and lennon’s voice is magical so yah

she can be very selfish at times , to a fault . like u can call  her out for treating u like shit and she’s gonna be like , yeah sorry . don’t cry 2 much bout it . she really doesn’t care 

it takes her a LONG time to get close to people , so like if ur  someone she actually cares about and loves , ur gonna know it . and if ur not , ur gonna know that too lo l

she does not hide how she feels about things or ppl , she’ll tell u straight up like

istg this girl prob doesn’t have a filter she just says what pops into her head first

here’s her pinterest board for more of an idea !!!

if u read all this i seriously love u sorry its so long ohp

CONNECTIONS !!!!!!! I WANT . THEM ALL . PLS GIME ALL OF THEM .

i have tons of IDEAS here @alannaisms​  !  so pls look thru that & lemme kno if any would fit with  alanna & ur muse !  heh ok im done ily  guys pls come plot with me <3

[harringtonisms]

why is sharing your writing so humiliating... anyways. i started a jemily fic that's a rewrite of cinderella but i never finished it. i did write ab 2.7k words & i do like it and i was cleaning out my drafts so i decided to post it anyway. there are some grammar mistakes (like run on sentences & WAY too many commas bc i never know when to shut up) but i do hope you enjoy this little piece i wrote!!

•••

Once Upon A Time

Part One (discontinued)

Pairing: Jennifer Jareau X Emily Prentiss (not applicable) Summary: Cinderella’s stepmother didn’t liker her much. Emily’s stepmother didn’t like her either.  Warnings: Lots of Hurt/Little Comfort Word count:  2.7K A/N: I wanna give Emily the biggest hug. 

ONCE UPON A TIME in a grand manor on the outskirts of a small kingdom named Quantico, lived a young girl named Emily, and her parents. Her father was a prominent businessman, and his job called him away for weeks at a time so he could fund their lavish lifestyle. When he was home, however, it was rare to see him far from his daughter. Whether they were running wild in their large garden or making a mess in the kitchen, Emily was practically glued to his hip. Her mother was often sick, and couldn’t run around with them, so when he was gone again on his long trips, or Emily was tuckered out from a long day of playing make-believe and causing trouble around the manor, she’d curl up in her mother’s lap and listen intently as she’d tell her a story and braid her hair. Her stories detailed great accounts of brave warriors battling ferocious beasts, and long-lost princesses finding love, and Emily listened to every word until she fell asleep. 

As the years passed, her father got busier, and her mother grew sicker. She spent most days in bed with her mother, reading to her and holding her hand until she fell asleep. The only time Emily wasn’t by her mother’s side was when the doctors would visit. Eventually, her mother refused the doctors, wanting to spend her last moments with her daughter and not wrapped up in a hospital gown trying experimental medicines. Emily enjoyed the additional time with her mother but not too long after Emily’s thirteenth birthday her mother passed away. 

Her father cut his trip short once he heard the news and rushed to his home. He spent the next few weeks arranging the funeral, the hustle and bustle of vendors and maids making the mansion seem livelier than it was. It was only late at night, when the only people there were Emily and her father that you could hear the soft weeping from Emily’s room. It broke her father’s heart, and he was determined to find Emily a maternal figure to replace the one she’d lost.

 Not long after the funeral did her father return to work, leaving Emily alone in the house with the wait staff and her nanny, Erin. Emily filled her days with her studies and adventures in the garden with her nanny when her father was away. That’s how it was for the next three years, just Emily and Erin, waiting for father to come home. It was during his longest trip away from home that he’d meet Ambassador Elizabeth Prentiss and her two daughters, Elle and Kate. He fell for her rather quickly and on his way home from his month-long trip, he married her. 

Sixteen-year-old Emily was out in the yard, gardening with Erin, tending to the pumpkins, when her father had arrived home. She rushed to his carriage, eager to greet him after his long trip, and was shocked to see the three new women in his carriage. Emily watched cautiously as they descended the steps of the carriage, waiting for her father’s explanation. He kneeled near his daughter before sweeping his arm out toward their company, redirecting her attention back to the woman and two girls.

“Sweetheart, meet your new mother, Ambassador Prentiss, well I suppose it’s Lady Prentiss now,” He chuckled and smiled at Lady Prentiss before continuing. “And your sisters. Elle is sixteen and Kate is seventeen.” Emily looked over them quickly and decided they seemed nice. She stuck out her hand to shake. Elle gave Emily a quick once-over. Emily’s hair was jet black and perfectly straight. Despite the fact that she was just gardening, not a strand was out of place, and it framed her face perfectly. Emily had deep, brown eyes, a sweet smile, and a few stray freckles littered on her skin. She stuck her hand out and when no one took her dirt-covered hand she pursed her lips before nodding in understanding. All three of the women had on white silk gloves. They just didn’t want them to get messed up with the dirt on her hand she assumed.

Elle glanced at her sister Kate before looking again at Emily and rolling her eyes. Emily decided to smile at them before introducing herself. Erin had walked over to Emily and stood behind her. 

“I’m Emily. Emily Lauren Reynolds, that’s my full name but Erin and Papa only call me that when I'm in trouble. Otherwise, they just call me Em.” Emily’s hands were crossed over her chest as she spoke. Erin stepped forward and bowed respectfully.

“Lady Prentiss, Ladies Elle and Kate. I’m Erin, the nanny.” She smiled at them before turning to face Emily’s father, choosing to ignore the disgusted look of the women. “It’s nearly time to start dinner, I let the kitchen know you all are here and get Emily cleaned up.”

“That would be great Erin, thank you. Please send Linda out here to show these ladies to their rooms, if you happen to see her.” Her father smiled, then walked to the back of the carriage to pull out the suitcases and wheel them up to the front door. Erin and Emily walked inside the house and Emily went off to wash up, and Erin went to complete her tasks. 

Two hours later, the new family was gathered in the never-before-used dining room. Emily normally ate with her mother and when she passed, she started to eat with the house staff. Emily wore a very simple dress, it was a deep blue with white ruffles around every hem. Her hair was in a low ponytail and on her feet she had a pair of white socks. 

Her father and Lady Prentiss sat at the head of the table, across from each other. Elle and Kate on one side, Emily and Erin (Emily insisted Erin joined them, she was basically family as well.) on the other. They enjoyed a nice meal and Emily got to know her new housemates. She was excited that she’d finally have someone to play with and talk to. Her only confidant was Erin, and Emily was practically boiling over with excitement at the thought of two girls, near her age who she could bond with.

The true colors of her stepmother and sisters weren't revealed until a year later.

It started with being ignored. Her sisters never engaged Emily at all, always running off with each other, hushed whispers and hateful stares were thrown Emily’s way. Lady Prentiss wasn’t any better. She’d braid Kate and Elle’s hair into intricate buns, and encouraged her daughters to try their hand at singing, even going out of her way to pay for an instructor with her husband's money once she learned the girls lacked the skill, and couldn’t hold a note if their life depended on it. However, when Emily asked Lady Prentiss to replicate the beautiful styles she’d do for Elle and Kate, or if she could sit in on their lessons, she’d be sent away with a harsh hand into Erin’s waiting arms. 

One day, the gardener was trimming the bushes and pulling weeds around the house, and as usual, Emily had accompanied him outside singing a lovely tune her mother had taught her so many years ago. They made their way around the house, the gardener humming along to Emily’s song as she danced around him, her melodic voice filling the air around them and flowing into the parlor through the open windows. Lady Prentiss was in there reading when she had heard the beautiful voice. She made her way to the window, shocked and ready to praise who she assumed was one of her daughters. Her face contorted in one of horror when she saw it was her stepdaughter singing. 

“Emily Lauren Reynolds,” Lady Prentiss said, her voice dripping with venom. She narrowed her eyes at the young girl, tension filling the air where her song once was. “You are NOT allowed to sing, ANYMORE!” Emily’s eyebrows knitted up in confusion. 

“I am not allowed to sing in my own home?” She quipped, arms crossed defiantly across her chest.

“Do not challenge me, young lady, I will make your life hell, I promise you that.” Elizabeth Prentiss slammed the windows shut and stormed away. Emily looked over toward the gardener, and rolled her eyes.

“Oh, I’ll show you hell,” Emily muttered, storming off toward the kitchen. Emily was tight with the wait staff, most of them having been there since before she was born and had watched her go from a rambunctious toddler to an even rowdier teenager. So when their sweet Emily asks them to help with her scheme, they agree easily. As much as they loved her, it was nice to not be on the receiving end of one of her practical jokes.

For the next few months, while her father was away, Emily pulled any and every conceivable prank on her mother and sisters, enjoying their shrieks and grunts of frustration, and denying endlessly the accusations claiming her involvement. 

“No stepmother, I didn’t do that.”

“I’m so sorry Kate, I knew how much you liked that necklace.”

“God Elle. My food has never been made like that.”

Emily was allowed to do as she pleased. Lady Prentiss couldn’t complain to her husband. She knew better, Emily was the daughter that the love of his life had given him. There was no lady, married or not, who came before his daughter. 

It had gotten worse when her father passed away. A year into his new marriage, just short of Emily’s 18th birthday, her father’s business partner, Jason Gideon, had knocked on their door. Emily’s heart dropped once she saw him, she already knew what he was about to say to her. Emily had only seen Jason once before, and that was when her mother died. He informed Emily that they were involved in a terrible carriage accident, and her father didn’t make it. Emily had crumpled onto the floor, tears falling freely from her eyes. The older man only offered her a pained smile before riding away, leaving the now orphaned girl to her grief. 

Emily sought out Erin once she composed herself the best she could, stray tears escaping when they could. She found her nanny setting the dining table as her stepfamily made their way to the table. Erin told Emily she should wash up quickly before dinner. When Emily didn’t move, Erin looked up from what she was doing ready to tell Emily more firmly to Get washed up before dinner and quickly. The words die on her lips when she finally looks up at Emily. 

A broken “Erin,” is all Emily can manage before the sobs stuck in her throat came rushing out, and she couldn’t hold her tears back any more. Erin caught Emily in her arms just before she collapsed to the ground, slinking down with her. Erin didn’t even know what happened yet, but she viewed Emily as her daughter, and each sob pained Erin to the very deepest parts of her soul. The older woman raked her hands through her pseudo-daughter’s hair, and rubbed her back gently. She looked up to Lady Prentiss and her daughters. They seemed disinterested in the reason for Emily’s breakdown and had sat at the table as they were served, sympathetic looks from the wait staff thrown her way. The clinking of silverware only stopped when Emily finally spoke.

“Erin, he’s dead. Papa’s dead, there was an accident, Erin, he’s gone,” Emily curled into Erin once again and cried into her shoulder. Erin’s heart dropped when Emily had said that. She looked toward the new head of house and opened her mouth to speak when Lady Prentiss simply raised her hand to silence Erin.

“Emily,” she said slowly. “How did you find out?” Emily steadied her breath and recounted Jason’s very quick visit to her family. She finally detached herself from Erin, glancing at the wet spot staining Erin’s uniform. She mumbled an apology, eyes welling with tears again. Erin shook her head at Emily, she wasn’t upset with her. 

“I’m going to get her washed up. I can get started with funeral preparations if that’s alright with you Lady Prentiss.” She forced her voice to remain steady, and swallowed her tears. She helped Emily up and didn't wait for her response, a maternal arm wrapped around Emily, leading her to the bathroom. 

“Erin,” Lady Prentiss called, just as she was about to disappear around the corner. Erin turned. “It’s Ambassador Prentiss now.” Erin was shocked at the lack of grief from the Ambassador, but just nodded her understanding.

In two weeks time there was a funeral, on Emily’s 18th birthday.  

Ambassador Prentiss played the role of grieving widow perfectly. Emily watched her walk around, accepting condolences and faking tears to gain the sympathy of the crowd. Emily had on a stoic face, ignoring every I’m sorry for your loss, and look of pity that was thrown her way. She sat alone in a corner of the parlor before she snuck away upstairs. She let her sock-covered feet guide her into her father’s room. She reached his dresser and pulled the drawer open. Her fingers dug around until she found what she was looking for. Photographs were very, very expensive, and this was the only one that existed in the manor. She turned the frame over, fingers tracing the intricate gold details as she admired the picture. It was a photo of her mother and father on the day she turned ten. Her mother wasn’t feeling very well that day so they were all piled up in the parent’s bed. Emily, with one parent on either side, all three faces looking at the camera, wide smiles on their faces. A few tears fell from her eyes and splashed on the glass encasing the photo. She tucked the photo under her arm and wiped her eyes. She made her way to her room and placed the photo on her own dresser and tucked herself into bed, allowing sleep to take over her. 

Ambassador Prentiss started changing things, slowly but surely as the weeks passed. She dismissed the wait staff one by one, until the only one left was Erin. She saved Erin for last, waiting until dinner one night to tell Erin that she no longer worked at the Manor. Immediately Emily jumped up in protest. Erin was all she had left. Ambassador Prentiss ignored her tearful pleas and continued to eat her dinner. That night when Erin had to leave Emily ran after her. 

“Erin please don’t go,” She whimpered, eyes lining with unshed tears. 

“Oh sweet girl,” Erin started, her own tears welling. She opened her mouth to offer Emily some encouragement but nothing came out. She simply held her in her arms and kissed her forehead. She rubbed her arm lovingly before turning and walking away. Emily could only watch as tears fell from her face, hand on her mouth to muffle her sobs as she fell to the ground. Ambassador Prentiss came up behind Emily, crouching and placed her hand on Emily’s shoulder. Emily jerked away from her. 

“I hate you,” she spat, glaring at her stepmother. The older woman only smirked at Emily. She place her hand on the side of Emily’s face before grabbing her chin harshly. 

“I promise you Emily Prentiss, you don’t hate me yet.” Emily’s face turned in disgust at the name. 

“That’s not my name.” She said, pulling Ambassador Prentiss’ hand off her face. 

“It is now Emmy. You weren’t 18 when your father died, so everything he owned now belongs to me. That includes you.” 

“My father never treated me as something he owned. I'm a person, not a piece of property.” Ambassador Prentiss only chuckled at Emily’s words. 

“Well your father and I are very different in that regard. To him, you were everything. But to me you are nothing. This past year you spent harassing Elle, Kate, and I? It’s time you learn a lesson. You’ve been served by other people your whole life, it’s time you did some serving. Everything was done for you, now it’s time for you to do everything for someone else. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, maintenance. You want to stay in my house, you’ll follow my rules.” Ambassador Prentiss had a wicked smile on her face as she watched the young girl scramble for a rebuttal, fingers pulling a loose thread on her socks.

“I’ll leave then.” Emily stated, wiping her arms. 

“And go where?” Ambassador Prentiss challenged, standing up. Emily had no answer. 

“That’s what I thought. I expect breakfast on the table by 9am Emily.”

[kpop-rambles]

Goodbye 2019. Hello 2020.

To celebrate the new year - which a lot of people are celebrating right now, I’m sure, unfortunately not me yet - I decided to create this post. I don’t know how to explain it but if you like kpop, keep reading!

My Top 3 Songs of 2019

1. SKZ - Miroh

This song got me into my now ult group, Stray Kids. Those 9 boys have honestly made this year 10x better for me. Chan’s VLives definitely helped me when I was upset, and the members made me feel emotions by their side. I’m so glad that add of Miroh appeared and I chose to watch it because I may have not gotten into Stray Kids without it. 

2. ATEEZ - Wave

Again, another song that got me into the group. I heard the song in a video where they played huge jenga at Kcon... I think? Anyways, this song is another banger and you completely fall in love with it first listen. You won’t regret listening to this.

3. TWICE - Fancy

I got into TWICE when they released YES OR YES, but FANCY is the song that you can’t not fall in love with. I did on my 2nd listen and man, if you’re saying you didn’t learn the dance and bopped to this song, you are LYING because- let’s be honest - everyone said FANCY SOTY. 

Groups I began stanning in 2019 its felt like forever tho

Stray Kids - March 26th. You think I would forget? 

ATEEZ - August 18th. Another date I remember, because I spent a good 2 hours getting to memorize the members name and faces. Was so happy when I finally did it. 

iKON - Honestly, I was more of a Double B stan since January until Hanbin left. I loved their songs but I never got to know the rest of the members, except for Jinhwan. 

ChungHa - Snapping dragged me in. That’s all I gotta say. Although, ngl, Gotta Go was something I always tried to dance to. 

KARD - Again, Bomb Bomb just pulled me into the fandom. The rest of their discography made me stay. I sang along to Bomb Bomb everyday for a good 3 months. It was honestly EVERYTHING to me and then Dumb Litty came and stole my heart and KARD did it AGAIN.

Mamamoo - gogobebe. Do I really need to say anything else?

GOT7 - I’m pretty sure I got into them because, well everyone knows GOT7. They’re a name everyone knows if you like kpop, so I just wanted to get into them. Eclipse and You Calling My Name are songs I’ll dance and singalong to in the right mood and right part of the song. But their personalities dragged me in. I’m pretty sure BamBam also attracted me when he was on Stray Kids reality show. 

Day6 - Time Of Our Life. I decided to listen to it because Seungmin of Stray Kids was a big fan of them and I was like, it shouldn’t hurt to try. Seungmin made me want to watch and Day6 made me want to stay. They don’t make ANY bad songs. 

Everglow - March 18. Listened to Bon Bon Chocolat when it came out, and I was honestly scared ppl were gonna sleep on them cause ITZY debuted a month before. Fortunately, everyone noticed their talent. 

BigBang - I dunno just listened to one of their songs. And, of course, I fell in love. Too late to stan them while they were active, but I’m expecting something in 2020... just saaying.

NCT - All of the subunits. Honestly there were so many of them, I spent time taking tests to tell them apart. The struggle to stan these boys. Instantly fell in with the Dreamies. And then I found out they weren’t a fixed unit... My heart shattered. It’s still breaking because 4 OF THEM ARE LEAVING. or left. I dunno. 

Tomorrow by Together - They were probably the most anticipated group of this year. I remember ppl hyping them up in October of 2018! Predebut stan right here. (I just remembered that I thought the preview of each member was coming out in age order and thinking that Beomgyu was the youngest. And I was just like WHERE IS HEUNINGKAI FROM?!?!)

ITZY - remember when everyone thought that itzy’s debut was rushed because info about them was leaked. yeah, i forgot too. anyways, again I was a predebut stan. 

(G)- idle - i always listened to their title tracks and I began stanning them during Queendom after their Fire cover im listening to 2ne1 2015 mama fire performance rn lol.... omg bom’s han cover just started playing. spotify is watching me guys.

Somi - Birthday was a bop. fight me. outfits sucked, gotta agree with that opinion I didn’t rlly know much about IOI but I started stanning because Jenchu were fangirling to it i mean jennie twerked for it!

Jimin Park - I’m out here still streaming STAY BEAUTIFUL. honestly she’s so loveable. her personality and her voice are everything. how can you not like her

My Top 5 Groups of the Year

1. STRAY KIDS - A lot of the reasons I luv them are the same as ATEEZ. That’s why ateez are close to being my number one, but honestly these 9 boys are everything to me. 9 or NONE FOREVER. They have been through so much this year and I hope they STAY strong for 2020. In their 2020 seasons greeting they announced a full album next year, so I’m ready to follow these boys on their journey no matter how many stay or leave. I’m a STAY for a reason. 

2. ATEEZ - PERSONALITY. I’m also a sucker for groups that shove their love for each other in your face. 8 makes 1 team, y’know? Hongjoong and Mingi are amazing rappers, Jongho, Wooyoung and San’s vocals tho, Yunho and Seonghwa’s deep voices are the death of me, and Yeosang dancing. They’re talented and luvable and that’s all I need for an ult group. also all their songs are bops

3. Mamamoo - Honestly would’ve tied with Twice but these I’m a sucker for them as ppl as well, and I need that to luv a group. they ain’t fake, they slap information in your face and they are POWERFUL WOMAN. (Not saying twice aren’t ofcourse) And these girls vocals are on POINT. Moonbyul is rapper material, but have you heard the girl song? What an angel. Their songs are all slaps, especially the most recent ones. 

4. TWICE - This was their year? yes or yes. Fancy soty. Feel Special was a great title track, don’t get me wrong, bUT HAVE YOU HEARD THE FULL ALBUM. Every song is my AMAZING. omg rainbow is playing

5. NCT DREAM - These boys stole my heart, I only stanned nct because of them. Honestly seeing the 00 line leave breaks my heart.

My Top 5 girl group and boy group songs

gg songs were honestly so hard to pick, they thrived and SO many good songs were made in 2019. But here is my list. 

1. Fancy - soty

2. Hip - this song was everything from the choreo to the song itself to the girls energy performing it

3. Psycho - came out like last week but it’s in everyone's top 10 of this year. Beautiful song that won’t get outta my head. getwellsoonwendy.

4.Violeta - this is another song that won’t get out of my head. honestly none of these songs will. ok so the final dance part after the drop of violeta pisses me off because the dance could is so powerful and that part comes and it’s such a disappointment but it’s the only part I can do so i shouldn't complain  but the song itself is very catchy. I don’t want these girls to disband even if the votes were rigged because they make a good group and sing bangers. i don't want them to leeeave.

5.Lion - the song is just so powerful. other songs they’ve made are good, but the chorus is usually a disappointment because the pre chorus is so good but EVERYTHING is great about Lion. Didn’t like it at first for some reason, i dunno why, but once you give it a few more listens you’ll fall in love. 

Now onto the boy groups. They made quite a few bangers this year as well.

1. Miroh - It’s my no.1 of the year. watchu expect?

2. Wave - and this is my no.2. Again, what else would I put here?

3. Run Away - what. a. bop. still can’t get out of my head. Crown was a disappointment to me after 1000 listens but not Run Away. A bonus is the Harry Potter references. With that I just was head over heels in love. Txt didn’t fail to disappoint with their comeback even if it was pushed back. 

4. Boom - This song made me fall in love with the talent that NCT DREAM holds despite being so young. Sang along for a few months. Actually, it’s still in my head. 

5. Make It Right - I was doing title tracks for all these but then I realised there has to be an exception because I just really like this song, especially the one featuring Lauv. Boy with luv wasn’t it for me but every other song on Persona is a straight up masterpiece (ok an exaggeration but u get what i mean)

Now onto the soloists (they’re all female, sry not sry)

1. Chica - I was debating whether to put Snapping or this but decided with Chica. Honestly the vocals, the song, the dance, the MESSAGE, is everything. I love it, it empowers woman, it makes ME feel good, and it’s what some people really need sometimes. So, thank you ChungHa. 

2. Gotta Go - another bop by our queen ChungHa, she really ruled this year. I didn’t stan her when it came out but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do the ‘deulshi’ part whenever I heard it. iconic.

3. Twit - Again another iconic bop from this year. (i thought this masterpiece came out last year, i dunno why but it just is so 2018 for some reason? I dunno) Hwasa’s solo debut really was everything. So was Moonbyul’s which unfortunately didn't make it on the list but I would say it’s in between 5th to 7th for me. 

4. Stay Beautiful - Such a beautiful song, it was a shame Jamie had to leave but she left JYP saying that they lost smth PRECIOUS and they would regret it and she conveyed all that in one song without hinting at it. So many quote worthy lyrics were in the song and it just bring up my mood and my standard for vocals. Don’t sleep on this girl, y’all. 

5. Birthday - the song brought out mixed reactions from everyone but i LOVED IT. It did get a bit old but it’s still something you’ll find me singing along to every now and then. 

ARTISTS THAT STOOD OUT TO ME THIS YEAR 

1. Bang Chan of Stray Kids. I love him. He’s such a great leader, he’s a loveable person, he’s all rounded and he fucks up sometimes but he acknowledges it and fixes it. He went through so much shit this year and he deserves so much more. I, along with many other STAYs are gonna make 2020 a better year for him and all of his group. Stay strong Chan! But besides his personality his stage presence, his rapping, his singing, his producing, his energy, his personality, it all made him someone who was always on my mind. 

2. Yeonjun of Tomorrow x Together. He’s also very well rounded and he really stands out to me from all the other 4th gens. Whenever I see a performance by TXT he always grabs my attention even when he’s not the main focus. I love his dancing, it’s very eye catching to me, along with his stage presence. He never loses his energy on stage and I expect a lot from him in 2020! His rapping and singing are amazing as well, especially for a rookie. Also when they first debuted he cried a lot, which was very heartwarming to me because idols showing emotion other than happy is something I appreciate, because it lets me remember they’re human too.

3. Seulgi of Red Velvet. She’s, again, very well rounded. I’m not really a Reveluv, but Wendy and Seulgi are vocalists who really stand out to me so those to kind of make me want to listen to Red Velvet’s songs. She’s an amazing vocalist, like words can’t express how much a love this woman's voice. Her stage presence is amazing as well, she’s just a really good performer imo.

4. Jihyo and Nayeon of TWICE. First of all I really like their personality and how powerful they are. Honestly a wink from them and I’m falling of my chair. Secondly, I don’t know if anyone's noticed but I really like powerful female vocals, and these two have extremely POWERFUL vocals. Have you heard them sing? Just... POWERFUL, that’s all I can really say to describe their voices. 

5. Mingi and Hongjoong of ATEEZ. They are rapper that are gonna blow away the whole industry with 3racha, I mean they already have. Did y’all see their performance in MAMA. The RAWEST vocals I heard that whole show. They were obviously not lip syncing, you could hear Mingi panting and he didn’t rap a whole line, and I LOVE that because it is RAW and we need more raw vocals or atleast breaths heard when the artists are dancing because it makes the performance more REAL. also stage presence is amazing from these two, they really know how to hype up a crowd. 

ROOKIE GROUPS I EXPECT A LOT FROM NEXT YEAR

sorry my expectations are high for them, but they have stood out tome so much and i couldn’t stand to see them flop. 

1. TOMORROW X TOGETHER - they’ve been on this list quite a lot, and I really appreciate their individual talents along with them as a group. I REALLY want to see them improve and grow more next year because they were really pushed this year, being BTS’s juniors. I’m sure they were really stressed but I want them to become TOMORROW BY TOGETHER not BTS’s juniors. Probably won’t happen in a year but hopefully in the next decade.

2. ITZY - another group really known for theing the juniors of TWICE this time. The title tracks they released so far have all been listen to it the first time, you don;t like it, but listen to it the 2nd time and it’s stuck in your head for the next 7 months. Honestly if they keep going like this, it would be like a ITZY thing, and I honestly wouldn’t mind. 

3. EVERGLOW - i think everyone just saw bon bon chocolat, gave it a listen, and loved it. but i also heard it was produced by someone who helped produce Crown by TXT and Spring Day by BTS, so there’s another reason ppl may have liked it so much. Adios wasn’t a disappointment at all.  Of course, I would also love it if Everglow kept up the “nanana” thing in each of their title tracks.

4. ATEEZ - I don’t think they’ll flop at all next year. I know they just had their 1st year anniversary, but I wouldn’t mind a full album... either way, Imma stick with them because they’ve only released that good shit so far and I’m honestly expecting a somewhat mediocre song at least once in their career next year. Not expecting it though. 

5. ONEUS - I haven’t’t talked about them yet but all of oneus’s title tracks are absolute gold. I am a mess for Valkyrie, Twilight AND Lit. They’re all just AMAZING songs. I mean, what did we expect from Mamamoo’s juniors but. They are REALLY good. Just go listen to all their title tracks rn. 

And finally, wishes for 2020

- Of course, Wendy to recover after her tragic incident at SBS. Again, I hope she recovers well

- Mina to come back from her hiatus, only if she’s ready to, of course

- BLACKPINK FULL ALBUM. ROSE SOLO. PLEASE.

- Of course, 4th gen to thrive along with 3rd gen and 2nd gen groups

- A full album from stray kids (which was confirmed) and again, maybe for ATEEZ? just maybe? 

- More attention for Mamamoo. They are underrated queens. 

- Less hate for Tomorrow By Together. People bash them just because they’re BTS’s juniors. they would be praised a less but definitely not doubted way more if they weren’t under Bighit. Yeah, they get luxuries other groups won’t but that doesn’t mean people should degrade them for it. 

And with that

I wish everyone a Happy New Year. May your next decade be filled with happiness and joy! omg fancy started playing

also i didn’t have time to properly edit this. then again i am a rambling blog, so what are you expecting?

[purplesurveys]

623

Do you actually think it's gross to talk about body functions? No, I’ve always thought it’s something that should be normalized. They’re just stuff that has to do with the body, it’s a natural thing. Would you rather sleep (zzz) alone or next to your SO? Sleeping with my girlfriend is always nicer. I wake up a couple times because she tends to put her head over mine or her legs over my entire body, but the sleep is just infinitely better. I’m more likely to sleep in, too. Are you trying to forget about something? Yes, actually. Thank you for being considerate. Have you ever sent a love letter? I don’t know what counts as a ~love letter, but I have handwritten several letters for my girlfriend over the years. When you look up at the sky do you ever NOT see a plane or vapor trail? Yes. Planes only come by every few hours where I live. They’d cross a lot more often in urban cities like Taguig or Pasay, which are right beside an airport.

Have you dated someone of another race? No. Probably worth nothing Gab is part Turkish but nevertheless, she identifies as Filipino.   Do you wear any shoes with holes because you can't give them up? Not for that reason, but yeah I’ve done this. When I first started college, was horribly depressed, and didn’t care about my wardrobe just yet, I used to wear my super worn-out white Keds – the soles came off every time I took a step – because they were my only pair of sneakers and I didn’t care enough to get a new pair. When you go out to breakfast, what do you order? I never really get to do that because as a night owl, I hate going out for food too early in the day; but when my family does want to go out to get breakfast I like getting an Eggs Benedict. If we’re someplace simpler, I’m just as happy with pancakes with chocolate chips topped with whipped cream and peanut butter. Have you ever had a job that required a uniform? No. My internship company wasn’t strict and just asked me to report to work in smart casual. What's the best compliment you've gotten from a boss/teacher? I didn’t want to read my internship supervisor’s evaluation of me after I finished my stint but I got tempted to and felt great after – I don’t remember the exact words but basically she said she was astounded that I worked as well as I did for my age. That’s always nice to hear. As for high school, I was a bit of a headache for all my teachers so I never really got to hear compliments from any of them, which I deserve anyway. What's a weird or interesting nickname you gave someone? Does a dog count? :(( We’d sometimes call my dog Kimi ‘Kimi Chameleon’ inspired by the song Karma Chameleon. I’d occasionally call him Kimchi too. Is there a phrase or mantra you repeat when you are frightened? I’m not really sold on the idea of relying on a mantra when I’m in a stressful situation, because I don’t like the possibility of it disappointing me if I end up not getting what I want or if things don’t go my way. What are you most envious of? People born with loads of privilege. I won’t deny that I do have it myself especially in the Philippine context, but there’ll always be people who are one tier higher on this kind of tower, and I hate that. Do you have a friend with a habit that worries you? Tina is a workaholic and will literally forget to eat for 24 hours straight just trying to get a task done, and that is very worrisome. Would you rather have coffee, cocoa, tea, or soda? I have had had two cups of coffee today and zero water, so water would technically be the best option right now hahaha but it’s not in this set so I’ll go for the second best pick – cocoa. When you walk into your best friend's room, what do you smell? It smells like a clean bedroom with clean, fresh bedsheets. What can I say, their house helper keeps it very clean haha. Have you ever purposely broken something that belonged to a sibling? Nah, I’ve never been that spiteful even as a kid. Do you have any hipster friends? That’s not a term these days anymore but Gabie used to be a FULL-ON hipster. Everything about her four years ago just screamed it. Have you ever worked at the same place as your best friend? No. Do you like to visit famous people's homes? I mean I’ve never done it. Do you take days off from shaving when you can get away with it? Yesssssssss it can be so much work, so I like days where I can skip it. What color do you see when you shut your eyes tight? Just black. How would you react if you found out your crush had a terminal disease? Drive over to their house right now, cry a lot, and stay with them all night. Has anyone ever baked you cookies? Our house helper used to bake me cookies everyday when I’d get home from school back when I was in elementary. At one point they discontinued whatever cookie mix it was that my mom would buy and that was the end of the cookie-baking as we knew it. Such a shame tbh because that mix was so delicious :( What's the lamest present you've ever given? I’d never call any present I get lame. If someone got me a gift, that’s enough for me. Would you rather eat free hotdogs or pizza you pay for yourself? Pay for pizza. I feel like I’d get tired of hotdogs eventually, especally because it isn’t even one of my favorite food. Do you ever wear socks with holes in them? No, cos none of the socks I own have them. Is there anything hanging on your bathroom walls? Not hanging, but either taped or sticky-tacked. If your SO agreed, would you want an open relationship? Never. Have you ever slept with three people in the same bed? When? Why? Yes. It was my 18th birthday, I spent it with close friends (at the time) at the Marco Polo, and we shared a bed because it’d be impossible to ask for like, six separate beds for one hotel room. Does your family regularly eat sit down meals together? Only when my dad is home. When it’s just my mom and us, we can go with eating separately. Which is a little sad, but that’s that. Who would you like to slow dance with? To what song? Gab. I’ve always found the song Turning Page by Sleeping At Last to be so moving, so maybe that. What's your favorite pet name someone calls you? Meh, I’m pretty basic. I get called baby, I respond positively lmao. If you could talk to one species of animal what woud it be? Dog. It’d be nice to know what mine thinks about on a daily basis, haha. What's the largest animal you've ever seen in person? Probably an elephant. Have you ever used the change counting machine at a store or mall? No, we don’t have that here and had absolutely no idea that those were a thing. The first time I ever learned about them was in Ellen Degeneres’ video of her and Michelle Obama going to like a Target or something, and I was so AMAZED. That must be so convenient. Would you give mouth to mouth to your dog to save its life? Yes. If you came with a warning label, what would it say? ‘Will probably ask to have some of your food’ Hahaha AT LEAST I ASK Have you ever tried to learn a language on your own? Yes. I honestly cannot tell you how many times I’ve downloaded-deleted-downloaded Duolingo to learn Spanish and Korean. Where do you keep your change at home? I don’t keep change at home, everything’s just in my wallet. Have you ever had a pet destroy something valuable or important? It wasn’t very important but he did gnaw at my old radio’s cord. When I was in fifth grade I was very attached to my radio and him chewing at the cord was when I had to say bye to the radio. I wasn’t too devastated about it after, but I was still a little bummed of course. What's the best burger EVER? Pound’s Amsterdam Burger slaps harrrrrd. Did you ever show up late for an important event? Gab and I arrived embarrassingly late at a friend’s debut a couple of years ago. Our table definitely earned the right to give us death glares when we had finally arrived.

[manicpixiedreamjew]

ok i rewrote and revised my letter! let me know what you think

2/9/19

Rabbi Randy,                                              

As our Into class comes to an end, a lot has been on my mind. My spirituality, my values; how my perception of the world has changed as I solidify my Jewish identity, especially as a young woman. I spent a few hours poring over journal entries dating back all the way to 2016 this Shabbat, and a consistent theme stood out in all of them: an overwhelming, genuine urge to live an authentic Jewish life. I read, thrown back into the innocent curiosity, the puppy love, the childlike fascination with Jews and Judaism that began with a book. The Chosen, the very first Jewish book I read, and I’m sure I’ve told you this story before; I’ll spare the details.

Anyway, those first inklings of interest, say, early 2016, were academic. I was a vehement atheist born to a family of atheists. Then again, who has a nuanced understanding of religion and people-hood at sixteen? My atheism was an obstinate, cynical world view triggered by traumatic experiences with Christianity. When I picked up The Chosen, though...I was slapped right across the face. Judaism was the first thing that challenged my philosophies; it forced me into an entirely foreign universe I never thought I’d know, need or understand. It taught me empathy foremost, in those early days...studying Judaism exhorted me to bear the burden of others, to feed the hungry (a MAZON seminar comes to mind), comfort the weary. Looking at my journal, an entry dated 3/3/17 elaborates on the effects of antisemitism in America, and next to that a newspaper cut out of a Magen David. It wasn’t quite personal then, but it was something I wouldn’t have looked twice at a few years earlier. It disturbed me deeply.

Then, mid-late 2017. The journal entries shifted, as you’d expect; I’d been exhaustively involved in reading and researching by then. I see a lovingly inscribed entry detailing, religiously, my first Kabbalat Shabbat at CRC. 7/1/17. The smells, the melodies, my friends, the birthday celebration of two elderly men who loved baseball. “A deep, riveting admiration for something ancient and pulsing with life.” That puppy-love stage was in full effect, my love of Judaism and its personal implications blossomed over the springtime, although its fragrance wasn’t entirely sweet: I was forced to confront my identity and ask myself that looming question. Do I want to become a Jew?

That question threw me for a loop. It was an emotionally intense time. I confided to my closest friend that, although it may sound absurd, converting to Judaism was something I was interested in. I remember crying myself to sleep some nights because the decision was so massive, so heavy, so entirely suffocating for someone with no background in religion, no sense of community or family. Eventually, though, my fate did not seem so dire, and I came to my senses: I loved Judaism. I loved it, I love it. One of the first things that stood out to me and comforted me was the Jewish emphasis on family, something I never experienced. I clung to it: how someone’s always there for you;  how you’re adopted into world-wide support network called the Tribe. How no matter where you travel, anywhere in the world, someone will enthusiastically invite you over for Shabbat lunch. How, because you are Jewish, you will never suffer alone.

That, then, began my serious resolve to be Jewish, do Jewish and live Jewish.

Ever since I met with you on 11/21/17 (I have an entry for that, too!), my life has been a foray into Jewishness. You told me to start observing Shabbat and Yom Tov, and I did so with vigor: I bought a chanukiah, acquired the shiniest candlesticks I could, and read every book the local library had regarding proper observances. I look back on my first few holidays and laugh now, playfully admonishing myself for my mistakes and mishaps. But that’s the fun, right? If I learned anything from this week’s Parsha (Terumah), it’s that the means are more much important than the end, the intention more meaningful than the actualization. Late 2017 to early 2018 was all that: learning, doing, experiencing, interacting, existing with a fat dose of humility. Organizing a basic Jewish vocabulary, and through Shabbat services and working with the community, pinning down what it means to live a Jewish life.

Enter 2018! This was, perhaps, the most frustrated and chaotic year on my Journey to Jewish. To start, it was my last semester of high-school. Everything, and I mean Everything, was dependent on my graduation—most saliently my own happiness and sanity. My synagogue attendance was dwindling, my ambition and motivation was all but absent. I’ve always suffered from depression and severe anxiety, but its clutch tightened horribly those first few months. I managed to attend a Kol Nidre service in early September—and, it remains one of my most beautiful and cherished memories to date. December, I know, was the hardest. Between my Catholic father making crusade jokes and my Jesus-obsessed mother spewing casual antisemitism, between unending loads of coursework and no free time, I felt my spirit literally withering. This never weakened my resolve to live Jewishly, but some days I just couldn’t bring myself to enact the values I knew I held in my heart. Some days Judaism felt like a beloved friend, and others Judaism felt like a stranger. Nevertheless I continued to live as Jewish a life I could, but even kindling the Chanukah candles felt joyless. I was like Tevye standing in the middle of the woods, anguished, as his horse refused to budge. Through all of it, though—the sadness, numbness, friction—I was never, ever, once deterred. That’s how life is sometimes. But to be a Jew, as our own Reb Tevye zealously insisted, you must have hope.

And I did. This is when Judaism became real to me, when I realized it was a part of my life and etched into my very being. If I could live Jewishly, study, be a part of my community and find solace while also dealing with these hardships, this was clearly meant to be. I’ve been using “us” and “we” pronouns for a few months now, referring to myself as Jewish even though I’ve yet to immerse in a mikveh. When our class visited the Holocaust museum, the loss and heartache I felt was profoundly intimate...a personal loss, the loss of family I never had the opportunity to know and love. I had never experienced anything like that before, and it continues to haunt me. I’ve been the target of hateful and ignorant remarks. People have glowered at my Magen David; they’ve called me names and insulted me. “Christ killer, money hoarder, dirty Jew.”

But, and I’m a bit weepy remembering this, living Jewishly (and loudly at that) is a blessing. Maybe two summers ago I catered to an older family for their son’s graduation party. An uncle approached me, blinked at my Magen David and muttered “bless you.” I was visibly shaken; I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Later in the evening the grandmother touched my shoulder and asked, “are you Jewish?” I told her I was a conversion student. She embraced me, dug out dreidels from her kitchen drawer, and told me that she was separated from her Judaism during childhood. That it was too dangerous for her to practice, that she wanted to go back to synagogue now that she was safe. I encouraged her daughter to finally have her bar mitzvah. My heart was full. Another memory I’m fond of: wishing a stranger chag Pesach sameach and Shabbat Shalom on the street. He was wearing a kippah. The smile on that man’s face was unforgettable.

Those moments, to me, were godly. Actions are a conduit of holiness; I’ve learned that over the years. To act with intent and sanctify the mundane is second nature to us. A bracha, a kind word, charity, song...everything is a vessel for godliness.

Fast forward a bit: 2019. As I grew into my adult identity, so did I into my Jewish identity. I had my 18th birthday, graduated, passed my driving test. I began to wrap my hair on Shabbat, meditate on the Sh’ma swathed in a tallit, give tzedakah. Often times I sat in the little CRC classroom and pondered on the application of my learning: how it translated into my everyday life, how it reconciled with my values as a progressive woman in today’s society...but mostly, I think, I thought about how at home I felt. I walk into CRC and immediately feel at peace; a part of a family, the member of a loving household. I walk into the sanctuary and about a dozen people are ready to greet me with big, heartfelt smiles. It melts me every single time.

Alright, I’ll quit boring you with all this schmaltz.

I’m not sure that there was one definite moment when I knew, for sure, that being Jewish was the right choice for me. In fact, to assume all that soul searching could fit into one tiny, fleeting, ephemeral moment is ridiculous...as you know from the absurd length of this letter, which is only a minute fraction of my story. Seriously, I could go on, and on, and on; but I digress. Sitting at our Sukkot celebration and dancing with all the other people, looking up through the sukkah and marveling at the hanging plants and leaves. Baking challah on Friday morning and realizing that somewhere, other Jewish women are doing the exact same thing. Feeling warm summer wind on my face, seeing fireflies flicker through the bushes and knowing that HaShem is there. Touching my siddur to the Torah for the first time and bristling, feeling as though something breathed new life into me. Group Aliyah, a guiding hand on my shoulder as we chant the brachot in clumsy unison…

Each moment (and many more, and yet more to come) reaffirmed the fact that Judaism is my home. Ruth said it more succinctly and eloquently than I ever could: Your people shall be my people, and your God shall be my God.

Randy, I never thought I’d be doing this. Ever. Looking back at the learning and growing I’ve done, reading those journals and reminiscing on my journey, I can firmly say, if you agree, I’m ready to enter this Covenant officially.

Thank you for everything, as always,

Zoë

[therealflyingoctopi]

Transition Into 2019

It’s really late and I just want to say I at least started writing this on January 1st. 5 minutes away from the 2nd but I started on the first day of the new year. It’s really not important but there it is. I never fully know what to say when this time rolls around in fear of saying the exact same thing as the last year. And the year before that, and before that, and so on. I don’t know what to say that’s new, though. I’ll try to throw something together. 2018 was most definitely the most important year I’ve had. From start to finish, something always seemed to be happening. And even if it wasn’t, there was always something to look forward to, and that made the dull times more bearable. I entered 2018 having just made a handful of actual friends, real relationships, about 6 months earlier. My life was already so different than it had ever been. 2 and a half months in, I made another, rather large, handful of friends. Something I thought I wouldn’t be able to achieve for another few years. I went to Europe with these 20+ people over spring break and that trip changed my life. People say something changed their life a lot, but I’m telling you, this was massive. Seismic. So I made the best memories one can make while stuck in a group of new and lovely people overseas for 2 weeks. When I came home I felt recharged, energized. (Well aside from being very dead and tired from the trip, I felt like my life had a newer meaning.) After the Europe trip things were kind of slow again. But I had something to look forward to because the month after I got to go to Kelowna and see some of these people again and hang out with them for a weekend (which was also my birthday weekend, so I spent my 18th with some of my favourite people). I got to see most of these people again in June for my graduation, but before that, I was invited to another graduation. Well more of a prom, but I guess it counts. A childhood friend of mine invited me to be her prom escort so I did that. The past couple years I’ve been jumping at opportunities like this more where an old friend of mine that I haven’t seen or talked to in years either reaches out to me or I get to see them at some event. Rebuilding old relationships is something important, I find. Even if it’s extremely slow and probably will take years to grow close again, it shows you still care. And I do. Time, distance, and life just get in the way of those things all too often. So I went to my friend’s prom, made it through dancing with my very minimal knowledge, and overall had a blast. Fast forward to the following month, I was reunited with my Europe trip family (most of them anyway), along with a few other old friends from my online school, and had one of the best days of my life, dressing up fancy, being in the company of such special people, and having the best (and first) barn party I’ve ever had (with only the Europe trip friends). Staying up until 5 am and waking up 2 hours later was so so so worth it. Fast forward again to the end of June and beginning of July, I finally got to go back to my Bible camp. My first true home away from home. I heard someone say last month that home to a person can be where they first met God. Camp is where I first met God for real (in the summer of 2017), or renewed my relationship with Him after it fizzed out. So in that sense (and others), camp has become my home. Anyhow, I got to go back there. Finally, after 6 months of waiting, I was back. I was back on the leader team, I got to spend a week with some of my new friends from the year before and grow those even more, and I made a few new ones too. My life is just booming with real relationships now. After that staff training week I went home and continued to work on schoolwork (because I hadn’t officially graduated yet... and still haven’t... we’ll get to that). Unfortunately I was only able to lead at camp for one week this summer, but it was by far the best week yet. It was tough and may have seemed like a complete failure, with all the hyper kids not listening and whatnot, but we had some real deep and powerful times together as a cabin. I even knew two of my campers from the year before (who were in the same cabin, on the same week, with my same co-leader). Since then I’ve kept the connections with a few of those kids and they’re becoming amazing young men. It’s so cool to watch. After the summer’s end party (where the first group chat I’ve been in since grade 11 that hasn’t died within 3 months was created with 2 other friends and the Bee Movie of all things), I went home for a couple weeks. I worked on some school, did the normal everyday routine, but I also frantically tried to buy supplies and pack and prepare, because I was going on a new adventure. Camp had invited me after my first summer in 2017 to join their internship program when I had graduated (or was at least old enough and close enough to graduating I guess). After initially saying no to myself and thinking nothing but fear about it, I went with it and on September 11 I moved to my new home with my new family. (And oh what a family. I would go on and on about how much I love them and how close we’ve grown in only almost 4 short months but that would take up your entire day. I love them and they’re some of the most special relationships in my life.) Nothing I’ve ever done has lived up to this decision. Oh, so many things are close, but this is a life changing thing. It’s taken my life, my plans, my dreams, and thrown a bowling ball at it. All while God sits up watching me saying “just you wait” with the biggest grin on His face. Not 3 months ago I had a plan for the next chapter of my life. Or at least a rough idea. I was going to go to college this next school year (2019-2020) and get my music career going. While things in my life have shifted, that’s still not been pushed out. It’s simply waiting its turn. At this point I still do think that will be a vital part of my life and probably my career. But right now I’m living at camp, doing amazing things working with youth groups and the camp itself. Camp is where I feel I’m supposed to be right now and so I’m 99% sure I’m going back again next year. Once the internship is done, if I stay, I’ll be a full time missionary there. A year-round staff that has more roles and responsibilities. That’s where my life is headed right now. I don’t know what all it will entail but I’m so incredibly ecstatic. My life is moving forward faster than it ever has and I couldn’t be more excited. I am still held back by school (I know, it’s January and I haven’t finished my crap from June) but it is close, and I think I’ll be done and back on my feet and full time at camp by next month sometime. This is what you get when you spend too much time having fun with other things. Procrastination kills your dreams. Stay in school, kids. 2019 is going to be an insane year. I turn 19 in a few months and will then be old enough to vote (which is valid because we might get a new Prime Minister this year) even though I know absolutely nothing, zilch, nada, about politics. As I said before, I’m probably going to stay another year (at least, we’ll see as we go) at camp. That’s big. I’ve been working on music more in 2018, even put out a few simple instrumental pieces, and I plan to learn and do more. Hopefully I’ll learn how to play a few of my songs and get them out there. Relationships. Those are going to grow more beautiful every day and that’s probably what I’m most excited for this year. It still blows my mind every day that I have these amazing connections that I always thought would take me until my 20′s to make. I think about them all every day and often get emotional because all the love I feel is overwhelming. I don’t know how to wrap this up nice and pretty. Maybe I don’t have to. This one is mostly for my collection. For those of you that care and read my little blurbs, I’m glad I can share with you and I hope you got something out of this. But this one’s mostly for my “online journal” that’s kind of embedded into this blog and woven throughout all the other posts I’ve made. It’s a record of my life through thoughts, feelings, and events that I like to keep. All this mess being said, I hope your 2018 was something you’re proud of and was filled with unforgettable joyous moments. I hope that your 2019 will be all that multiplied by... a really big number. With a few new twists thrown in there too. Merry late Christmas, happy late New Year. Goodbye 2018, you were a gem and a half. Welcome 2019, let’s make you two full gems.

[intagiio]

An Open Letter

Or: “I can’t even consider this writing because it’s just what happens when I listen to “Dear John” by Taylor Swift”

One year and three months ago, when we left my house, you pulled out yellow flowers from inside your jacket (which you hid from my mom quite well, so props to you) and asked if I would be your girlfriend. And here I am, on our one-year-and-three-monthiversary(-kind-of-if-you-ignore-the-fact-we-broke-up-for-a-month), sending this letter into the void.

Happy 25th, by the way. On any other 25th, I’d be with you watching Netflix eating vegan nachos or going to our favorite restaurant. I spent today listening to sappy, sad love songs and eating salmon.

I wasn’t even this sad last month; I don’t remember thinking about you at all last month. I spent the last 25th kissing a girl who thankfully wasn’t you. I spent it not remember that it was the 25th... But here I am now. I guess it’s that whole “one step forward, two steps back” kind of thing. I’m getting there.

I have to give it to you. You’ve done a lot for me. For example, you’ve given me a whole lot of insecurities. You’ve singlehandedly managed to twist my perception of love and make me question our entire relationship. You’ve ruined every 25th for me. I don’t remember being with you; I try to think about it and I can’t imagine being with you. I remember snippets every now and then, but overall, I might as well have been concussed. It’s such a blur. You were a part of a different life, maybe? Maybe that’s why you seem like such a stranger now.

I hope your 18th birthday party was everything you hoped for. Did you spend it intoxicated? Did you spend it dancing in the dark, listening to either really bad rap or some cheesy 80′s pop songs? Did you think about me? I hope you didn’t. Well, a year ago today we were in San Francisco, if you remember. We went to the Museum of Modern Art. We talked about our future family (dogs included-- Gizmo the corgi, you know?) and how we’d get married. How you would propose to me and how I still needed to prompose to you. We spent way too much money on avocado toast.

Now, I don’t really think much about the future. You really hated whenever I brought it up towards the end of us. I tried to live in the moment, but I just couldn’t. I was always ahead of us, yet I somehow could never keep up with you. I lived in the future and hoped that you’d be there with me too. You won’t be, obviously. And now I live in the moment. The future terrifies me. It’s weird how things change.

A lot of the time, I feel like I’m the only one who meant any of it. I told you that I wanted you to be happy; being together wasn’t making either of us happy. You can’t look me in the eye and tell me that was what you wanted. What was so wrong about me? Anyway, I’m doing well, in case you care anymore. I always think that I should stop caring about you. After all, you haven’t been the kindest to me these past eight weeks. It’s a disservice to myself to hopelessly believe you’re a good person deep down, but for some reason, I can’t stop. I’d just like to believe that there’s something more to you. Funny. We spent nearly two years involved with each other and I still have no clue who you really are.

As much as I think of you/us, I never think about what could have changed it. I don’t think about all the things that I could have done differently to make things better. I don’t think about any of that. There was a reason I clung to our future so much: I wanted so badly for it to be different than the present. But you don’t just wake up one day, married to the “love of your life” and realize your life is perfect. Relationships are never perfect, but not everyday should be a struggle. I could, if I wanted to, think about what would have changed it and how we could have been okay together, but I don’t really care. Everything happens for a reason, I see that now.

The truth is, you don’t care about me at all. So, I guess it’s time to stop defending you. Obviously, you’re choosing to believe whatever you want. There’s no point in doing anything in your benefit anymore. You don’t see it, or maybe you do. Either way, you don’t care and you continue to be rash. I wish you were sorry like you used to be.

How I feel towards you is so volatile. I hate you one minute and then am grateful for having known you the next. I hope one day they’ll stabilize and just... be. For now, happy 25th. I don’t miss you at all. You’re doing well. I’m doing well. This is what we wanted all along, wasn’t it? So what’s so bad about this? (Nothing. Nothing is bad about this, so get over it.)

One day, the 25th will just be another day. For now, it’s “special” for a reason that I often forget.

[decent-human-being]

If you have time, wanna do all those "talk about" asks?

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.Scott pilgrim vs the world, saw it in theaters with a friend of mine before he moved out of state2: Talk about your first kiss.We were both about to start 8th grade, it was a couple days left of the summer and we had spent the whole summer together. It sort of came up neither of us had kissed anyone so we went for it under a tree by the lake3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.Oof, my last girlfriend. I really though I was going to marry this girl but things don’t happen as planned sometimes4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.Probably being a horny asshole in highschool and driving nice people away5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.My 18th was really cool, me and my two closest friends at the time just ducked around town and went to a lookout and did graffiti and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes 6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.Most aren’t super memorable, I think my 14th I diddnt have any friends and I’ve never been big on the whole spending time with family thing anyway7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.I think my general appearanceperomed8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.Getting accepted into a culinary program at the college is my latest accomplishment9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.My arms are pretty scarred and burned but they’re heavy and solid, strong and good looking I think10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.Like fistfight? With my dad. Verbal fight probably with someone who used to be a friend because they drove several of my other friends while he the driver was intoxicated11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.I have really buck wild dreams sometimes, my coolest one is a post apocalyptic scenario that im a wandering hero in12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.Ones were I’m bringing hunted and loosing, the feeling of powerlessness dreams13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.It was the second day of a two day festival with Social Distortion playing on stage while we did it behind a taco truck14: Talk about a vacation.I went to San Francisco two winters ago for a week and saw everything it was a ton of fun I want to go back 15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.Back when I was in a good relationship and had a job that paid well enough to get me by, simple but nice 16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.It was a party at a strangers house to me, friend of a friend. I blacked out with a bottle in my hand and woke up in a different city with a girl I’ve never seen before17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.Half my mutuals tbh you’re all cool kids18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.I got suspended for fighting in 4th grade on my moms birthday and she was furious but it had to be done19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.My first relationship was the biggest part of middle school we were together for a year and a half20: Talk about something that happened in high school.Joining the theater department and having a blast and discovering I love theater21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.When a friend though they were gay and wanted to have sex with me to find out for sure but it would have made things weird if we did22: Talk about your worst fear.Not having control, choking or burning or something 23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.The end of 8th grade I wrote a song for someone and performed it with a guitar at the spring dance before graduation and asked them out and they laughed at me24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.When a friend told me I was the only person the listens to her and the reason she was still alive25: Talk about an ex-best friend.I’ve had a few people I purposely cut out my life for good reasons, they weren’t growing up to be better than they were in middle school or doing genuinely bad shit. It sucks but it’s life26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.I like to get a ton of aloe vera juice and sleep all day and eat dollar store ramen27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.Eyes, lips, hips. Shit I just like people 28: Talk about your fetishes.Being dominant, more so having someone submit to me29: Talk about what turns you on.Intimacy 30: Talk about what turns you off.Bad taste in music31: Talk about what you think death is like.Like sleep but more permanent 32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.My neighbors house who was a year older than me and we spent every day together as kids33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.I’m sad every damn day of my life b, I guess listen to sad music and draw when it gets real bad34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.Breaking my leg or throwing out my back probably, both on trampolines35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.Being so annoying, and not accepting the love I’m given36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.Those reality dating shows when everyone involved is garbage 37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.There’s been three, all of whom I still am in love with but they’re gone. I spent so much time pining after one and she left me without saying goodbye38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.Riptide by Vance Joy, Devil in my bloodstream by the wonder years, and anything by Fitz and the tantrums all have very specific people attacked to them39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.Who is worth the time and effort and who isn’t40: Talk about the end of something in your life.I’m sure I’m not the only one with a past full of bitter endings that are hard to talk about but what am I going to do but move right along