#anyway i woke up today and chose pain. i'll just be here on the floor in a puddle of tears

[jasminebeloved]

EDIT : KATHERINE & STRUGGLING WITH THE TRIAL AGAINST THE DRUNK DRIVER THAT CAUSED HER CAR ACCIDENT & HER TO BE IN A COMA FOR THREE MONTHS, FT. HER HUSBAND GARETH SUPPORTING HER ( do not reblog unless you’re @dontcxckitup )

Hold my hand, my hand I'll be right here, hold my hand I know you're scared and your pain is imperfect But don't you give up on yourself I've heard a story, a girl, she once told me That I would be happy again Hold my hand

[hbyrde36]

STWG Daily Drabble 2/1/24

ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO @hitlikehammers who chose today's prompt. This one is for YOU!

Prompt: “I Couldn’t Lose You”

Set in post season 4, angst w/ a happy ending

featuring S3/4 Secret Situationship Steddie - post breakup

Rating: G | WC: 1407 | Ao3 link

“I Couldn’t Lose You”

Eddie opened the door. 

It was a reflex, really. 

Someone rings the bell, you answer the door. It’s an ingrained behavior, unconsciously done. 

He didn’t think about the fact that he wasn’t expecting anyone, or that it was past midnight and a decidedly odd time for unexpected visitors. In his defense, he didn’t know the simple act of opening his door would mean stepping into the past, and facing down the worst heartbreak of his life head-on after running away to another State to avoid it. 

“Oh.” Eddie gasped, the sound seeming to echo as the man on the other side of the doorway sucked in his own sharp breath. 

Pain lanced through his chest as he set eyes on Steve Harrington. The man he loved, who he hadn’t seen in over two years.

“It’s really you.” Steve said, blinking hard as if he couldn't believe his eyes. “I didn’t… I knocked on so many doors. I didn’t know your apartment number and–”

“What are you doing here?” Eddie interrupted, aiming for a bored disinterested tone, but the words came out a little too breathless to pull it off. 

He couldn’t help it. The only thing keeping him upright just then was the death grip he had on the doorframe.

What was Steve doing here? Eddie figured he and Nancy would have been halfway to the altar by now, if not already there.

“I…” Steve trailed off, dropping his gaze to the floor. He gave a wry huff of laughter and shook his head before looking back up with guarded eyes. “Just answer me one question, and I'll never bother you again.” 

“Fine.”

Eddie’s heart was pounding so loudly in his chest he was sure the other man could hear it. He didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to stand here and look at Steve’s unfairly pretty face and remember. It’d taken him so long to forget, to be okay after… after. 

“Why did you run?” Steve asked.

“I didn’t run. I moved.”

Steve scoffed. “Eddie, you snuck out in the middle of the night. We were both barely healed and I- I woke up and you were just gone. I went to your place and Wayne told me you’d packed your shit up in the van and left. No explanation, no note, nothing!”

Eddie shrugged. “I needed a change of scenery.”

“You could have told me!” 

“I couldn’t.”

“Bullshit.” Steve spat, his eyes beginning to shimmer with anger. “It was like you died, Eddie! One day you were there and the next you were gone without a trace. No number to call, no forwarding address.”

“Wayne knew where I was.”

Steve shook his head, expression hardening. “It was like you fucking died! And I don’t… I just need to know why.”

Eddie deflated. Any chance of keeping his aloof demeanor intact was gone under the weight of Steve’s gaze. What was the point anyway? He might as well tell him the truth. Maybe then he would leave Eddie alone to begin the process of picking up the pieces of his shattered heart all over again. 

“I couldn’t lose you.” Eddie began with a sigh. “I couldn’t stand the idea of losing you, so I left.”

Steve furrowed his brow. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know. Trust me, I know. But after all that shit in the Winnebago with you and Nancy, I couldn’t just sit around and watch her take you from me. I thought If I left first, it wouldn’t hurt so much. I know that’s fucked up of me to say, as if you were ever mine to begin with, but–”

“I was.”

Eddie gulped, shaking his head reflexively. “No.” He breathed. 

Steve's face softened and he reached out, cupping Eddie's cheek with an almost painful tenderness. “I was yours, Eddie, and I thought you were mine– or at least I wanted you to be. Looks like maybe I should have been more clear about that.”

“Then why did you say those things to her, about an R.V. and wanting six kids, and–”

“Jesus, is that what this has all been about?” Steve asked, dropping his hand from Eddie’s face and crossing his arms over his chest. 

“There was also the eye-fucking.”

“Eddie.”

Eddie threw his hands up. “What was I supposed to think?! Here I was, falling head over heels in love with you, and the whole time you were dreaming about fucking off to Yellowstone or whatever with some picture perfect wife and your brood of equally picture-perfect children, like some non-musical version of the fucking Partridge family. Admit it, I was a detour. A glorified speed bump on your way to the life you actually wanted.”

“Baby-”

Eddie flinched hard at the use of the nickname, stumbling backwards out of Steve's reach. Horrifyingly he could feel tears stinging at the corner of his eyes. Even more horrifying was the fact that Steve was following him into the apartment and shutting the door. Hadn’t he done enough, now he had to literally invade Eddie’s home?

“Baby, please-”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Fine. I-”

“Why are you still here? You got your answer. I don’t know what you needed it for but you can go back to your life with little miss perfect now.”

Eddie staggered to the couch, knowing if he didn’t sit soon his shaking legs would betray him. He pulled a throw pillow to his chest, hugging it tightly as he rested his chin on it. 

Steve crouched down in front of him, but Eddie studiously ignored his gaze. 

“What are you talking about? Nancy?”

“Or whoever the current little miss perfect is. I know you’re not picky.”

“Ouch.” Steve said, though not like the barb had actually stung. He reached out towards Eddie’s knee, moving slowly to give him every opportunity to protest.

He didn’t.

”There is no little miss perfect.” Steve said softly.

Eddie whined involuntarily. Squeezing the pillow tighter and tighter to his chest. 

“It was true, what I said to Nancy in the RV. I did always have that dream. The part I didn’t get to say, because we were a little busy at the time, the part I would have told you if you’d asked me about it, is how the dream had changed. When you and I became, whatever we were back then, the dream became less about having 6 little Harringtons, and more about the person in the passenger seat. The one I really wanted to share my life with, the family we might build together by adopting our own kids some day, or the family we found with the little brats I can't seem to get rid of even though they’re about to graduate high school.”

Steve knelt down in front of Eddie more solidly, gently prying the pillow out of his iron grip. Eddie let it go. His eyes were locked on Steve’s as he let everything that was just said to him sink in.

“Say something, please.” Steve begged, taking both of Eddie’s hands in his. 

“Is it still me?” Eddie croaked out, his throat tight as he fought not to cry. “In the passenger seat– is it still me, or did I fuck everything up?”

Steve smiled broadly, a few tears of his own escaping his eyes to roll down his cheeks. “I’ve been looking for you, all this time. I love you. Of course it’s still you, baby.”

Eddie surged forward, crashing his mouth into Steve’s. Their lips slotted together perfectly, just as they always had, as if no time had passed at all. Eddie threw his arms over Steve’s shoulders, pulling him close, as Steve wound his hands up into Eddie's hair, gently tugging. 

They parted only when they had to, or else risk passing out from lack of oxygen. Eddie rested his forehead against Steve’s while they both caught their breath.

“I love you too… still… always. In case that wasn’t clear.” 

Steve snorted the most unattractive laugh imaginable, but it was music to Eddie’s ears. He hadn’t heard that sound in far too long, and it warmed his heart almost as much as the kiss to know he’d caused it.

“I don’t know, Eds. I think you might have to show me again.”

Eddie was happy to comply.

He grinned, leaning in for another deep lingering kiss. 

Thank you @penny00dreadful beloved friend and beta!

[l0eyking]

The One That Got Away || One Shot

Baekhyun and you are best friends, and you knew both of you wanted more than that, but something is holding him back, and you can't quite grasp what it is.

Fluff, Angst, Angst and Angst

You are stretched out lazily on your bed, reading a novel with your best friend, Baekhyun sitting cross legged beside you. He was on his phone, occasionally laughing and sighing, while scrolling through his twitter account. This is how both of you spent the weekend, almost every week. Your thoughts were too deep into your favourite fictional characters that you didn't even notice him putting down his phone. You only noticed you were frowning when you felt two warm fingers between your eyebrows, smoothing them, making you startled.

These past few months, Baekhyun's touches seemed to affect you a lot more than usual. You felt so odd with those kind of feelings, cause Baekhyun and you had known each other for years. You could even share one bed with Baekhyun when sleeping and feel nothing, but not anymore.

You immediately looked at Baekhyun questioningly.

"Stop frowning, you look ugly," he said jokingly.

"How about now?", You knitted your eyebrows together, even more.

His beautiful laugh filled the room. it's contagious, causing you to laugh too.

This is how it is, when you're around him. It's so warm and bright, no matter what season of the year or which part of the day it is.

He lifted your head and put it gently on his laps. He poked your head softly, causing your gaze to leave the novel in your hands and directed it to him.

"What? I'm not even frowning,", you arched one brow.

"Hey El, random question, what would you want to do, if you knew you had only one day left with me?", he grinned.

Random question is a game both of you created last year. It was a resultant of an eventless and also restless night, where both of you spent all night playing. There are only two rules; which are you need to answer honestly and you are only given five minutes to think about the answer. It could be the most random things, like once, Baekhyun asked if you would rather have tongues as fingers or fingers as tongues. Or even the most serious things, such as when you asked Baekhyun if he'd rather die first and not experience losing you, or experience losing you, but at least he knows, you won't ever be left alone. He used all his five minutes to think and finally chose the latter. In his defense, he said that you can't even cook your own breakfast. Your intention of asking that was actually to tease him about how you'd haunt him after you die, but he looked so serious, unlike how he usually is, so your voice broke, even before you could say a word.

"Why are you asking that, are you leaving me?", you shot him a look.

"No, it is obviously just a random question I saw on twitter, and that made me curious too", his grin still on his face.

You tried to read his face, but he was wearing his stupid grin he always puts on when he's happy, so you knew, he was saying the truth.

You've actually thought of this before, so you immediately answered,

"I will try to forget about the fact that it's my last day with you, and have all the fun i can have with you. So I'll bring you to Disneyland and I hope that night, we could see the first snow together", you smiled at the idea, but you also knew it would break you if Baekhyun ever leave you.

"Why Disneyland, though?",he tilted his head to the side, meeting your gaze. He looked so cute, like a tiny puppy. Your right hand found their way to his hair, your thumb and index finger playing with it, starting from the part near the scalp to the end of his soft brown hair, repetitively. You remembered he once said he loved the gesture, it made him so calm.

"I don't know, it just seemed perfect if we first met because of Disney and we also last met at Disney," you shrugged, almost laughing at the memory of when you first met Baekhyun at the high school library.

Flashback: 4 years ago

You were looking for a novel at the fictional section, when you first saw him, his back facing you. Being the busybody you are, you tiptoed to peek at the book on his hands, and saw the word 'Beauty and the Beast' at the upper side of the page.

"Great taste", you commented.

He turned to you, closing his book too abruptly, causing the hardcover novel to fall on your foot. You winced a bit, but you were grateful you were wearing your sneakers.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, did it hurt?", he picked up the book from the floor, eyeing your foot for a second.

"No, no it's fine, really," you ignored the tad bit of pain on your toes.

"Can you really walk?", he asked worriedly.

"Yes, yes, don't worry!", and just like that, he went off. Hmph. You sighed inwardly.

The next day, you found him at the same place, again with his back towards you.

"Well, well, look who's here,", you greeted. This time around, he turned around and closed his book but luckily, it didn't fell. He just grinned at you sheepishly.

"I haven't seen you before?", you asked.

"Yeah, I just transferred here yesterday,"

"Oh, you're the handsome one people have been talking about? I'm Elina, by the way," you offered your hand.

"Did YOU find me handsome? I'm Baekhyun," he took your hand, an amused smile adorning his face.

You scoffed. The question caught you off guard.

"Well, you look okay to me, as long as you don't drop your books on my foot", you retorted.

It's his turn to look embarrassed.

"Hey! It wasn't my fault! You were the one who startled me!", he whined.

And that's how you became best friends. You met almost every day at the library, sometimes exchanging opinions about the novel you read and sometimes hanging out at the coffee shop while doing your assignments. Despite the age gap of two years, him older, both of you find time for each other and cherished each other's presence and that was all that matters in your friendship.

Back to the present

"Hey! Stop laughing! I know you're laughing at me!", he jutted his lower lip.

You laughed even more than before.

"Shut up!,"

"Or what?", you said in between your laughs.

"Or I'll kiss you,", he said a little quietly, but you still managed to hear it. You abruptly stopped laughing, you could hear your heart thumping rapidly in your chest.

"Well, that shut you up, you didn't want me to kiss you, that badly, huh", you looked at his face and for a second, you swore you saw a hurt expression on his face, but he immediately smirked, making you question if you're just imagining things.

Fast forward a year later

You just finished your last class for the week, when your phone buzzed. It was a text from Baekhyun.

Bestie 🙄: Wait for me at your uni's parking lot

His university and yours are just a fifteen minutes drive, so you're used to him occasionally picking you up. You replied with a short ok and proceeded to walk to the parking lot.

His face lightened up a bit when he saw you, but you didn't see him. He intentionally honked and you yelped, as you showed him a middle finger.

He was laughing when you were opening the car door, as you cursed under your breath.

"I hate you,", you side eyed him.

"No you don't, you love me, that's why we're best friends,", he grinned.

You felt your heart broke at the word 'best friend', but you ignored it.

"Ugh, stop being so corny,", you replied.

"So, don't freak out,", he turned to you seriously.

"What?"

"Seriously, don't freak out!"

"Byun Baekhyun, I will freak out if you don't tell me right now!", you half yelled.

"Gosh, you're so much fun,", he said sarcastically, while handing you a white envelope.

You tear it open to find a pair of flight tickets and also Disneyland tickets.

"BAEKHYUN!!!! IS THIS FOR REAL!!! WHEN ARE WE GOING??", you were so happy, you screamed as your arms immediately wrapped around him.

He smiled widely as he returned your hug, and he whispered a soft

"right now"

And as if on cue, he detached himself from your hug and immediately started to drive to the airport. He had already packed all your necessities and clothes in the luggage on the backseat. He also asked you to take out the passport from the drawer in front of you. He said he had been planning this for months.

The next day

Today is the day. You woke up with a smile on your face and immediately got ready for your Disneyland visit. You were so ready to have fun today.

You knocked on Bekhyun's door as he opened it. The first thing that greeted your eyes when you closed the door, was his abs. He was asking you which shirt he should wear, but you weren't listening. How could you be listening? You were too absorbed by the view in front of you.

"Liking the view? My eyes are up here, El,", he teased, his two fingers pointing towards his eyes.

You could feel your face burning as you cleared your throat.

"You're so full of yourself,", you rolled your eyes as you picked the plain black shirt, and hurled it to his face. Your favourite look of his is definitely when he wore the plain black shirt with his jeans.

At the Disneyland

Both of you weren't really an adrenaline junkie, but you told Baekhyun you were going to make his money worth it, so you are both going to try ALL the rides in the Disneyland. He also bought the express lane ticket, so that even made it possible for you to do it.

You started with Dumbo the Flying Elephant. Your first ride didn't go so well. Both of you were screaming out of your lungs and clutching each other's hands as if your life depends on it when the ride wasn't even that scary, resulting with both of you earning weird looks given by the little kids that looked like 7 year olds when the ride ended. You and Baekhyun exchanged embarrassed glances and laughed anyways.

You decided to take your words; "trying ALL the rides" back, and proceeded to "try ALL the less scary rides instead", which Baekhyun reacted with a sigh of relief.

It was already noon when your stomach was screaming to be filled, and Baekhyun seemed to hear it too. You looked at him, embarrassed, but he only laughed at you, which made you pout slightly,

"Stop laughing, I'm hungry, dumbass,"

He acted offended, hands clutching his chest dramatically,

"Why should I feed someone who called me dumbass?"

"Fine, I'll say this again, I'm hungry, Baekhyunnnnn,", you said, playing with your intonation a bit.

"Not cute enough,", he looked at you uninterestedly.

You huffed and muttered "Fine bitch, you asked for it," under your breath. "Baekhyunneeee, I said I'm hungryyyy,", you tried again.

You expected for him to react poorly like acting as if he's gagging or something, but instead, he pinched your cheeks and nose as the ends of his lips turned upwards, forming a genuine smile.

"You're so cute, let's get you some food", he said as he took your hand. Damn, if only you knew where all these butterflies in your stomach came from.

Both of you went for the It's a Small World, Slinky Dog Spin and a lot of others to name.

The next thing you knew, it's already 10 past 9.

"El, let's go to the souvenir shop then get ready to get back home,"

"Already?" You asked. It seemed that time flew by too quickly when you're enjoying yourselves. Your shoulders slumped forward as Baekhyun led you to the shop.

It was so bright inside, filled with interesting things that costed an organ. You settled with a small keychain, reminding yourself to not spend too much.

"El, try this," Baekhyun placed a hairband with bunny ears in your hand.

"No, I don't have enough money for this,"

"Come on, I'll buy it for you," he convinced.

"Really? You can't take your words back, Baek!," your face brightened up.

"I wont, El, come on! Try it noww!", he pushed.

You placed the hairband on your head.

"How do I look, Baek?"

His gaze which was originally on the rack, landed on you. This is a new one, you've never seen this gaze before, so you can't quite comprehend it.

"Hey Baek, do i look so pretty that you're speechless or what," you joked.

"Yes,"

"What? Hey Baekhyun! That was supposed to be a joke!", you hit him lightly on the chest, but he managed to catch your wrist. Looking at his frowning face, he looked like he was about to say something.

"Hey, are you okay,", your fingers smoothen his temple, like he always did to you.

"Y-yeah, it's nothing," he looked down to his shoes.

You decided not to push it, cause you knew better that Baekhyun won't tell you something until he's really ready to do it. So instead you changed the mood.

"Baek, we should buy matching ones!", you placed a hairband with matching bunny ears gently on his head.

"Awh, we look so cute, Baekhyun, look at that!" you pointed to the mirror in front of you.

He lifted his head and looked at the mirror, and as if he's looking at the most beautiful view ever, his lips turned into a wide smile, the kind that reaches his eyes.

"That's more like it, take a picture, Baekhyun!",

Both of you were at the counter, Baekhyun paying for the souvenirs you wanted. You tried resisting, but it's no use. You were about to whine about him paying, when you heard the fireworks. Baekhyun immediately took your hand and dragged you to the open space in front of the shop.

You were utterly amazed by the fireworks that you kept silent. A smile crept into your face as you were looking intently at the beautiful fireworks until it ended. It was a whole 20 minutes, but you were too absorbed with it, that caught you speechless. What you didn't know was that, Baekhyun was also doing the same thing, but instead of the fireworks, his eyes was on your face all along, but with a sad smile complimenting his face.

Just after the fireworks ended, the first snow started to fall. You can't believe how perfect the night was.

You turned your head at Baekhyun and found his gaze on you, making you blush, but you didn't really worry if Baekhyun sees it, cause it was dark.

"Liking the view? The fireworks were up there, Baek," you thought that it would be fun to tease him, just like how he teased you this morning.

Snow started falling and immediately melt as it touches your hair and jacket. You raised your hand to let the the snow fall into your palm.

"Baek, look, it's snowing,"

You looked at him, what you didn't expect was his intense gaze on your lips. The atmosphere was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Again, he looked like he's considering to do something. You saw him almost leaning in, but he stopped midway. His eyes finally meet yours and you saw something break in him, but you can't seem to grasp what it is. In a flash, he broke the eye contact and just said, "Let's get going, we're gonna miss the flight,". He said that as if nothing happened. As if no glances were stolen, as if no feelings were harboured.

You won't lie, you felt disappointed and you could hear your heart shattered into pieces. You know, there's something holding him back, but it is impossible for you to figure it out, if Baekhyun keeps on avoiding it like this.

The journey home was a silent one, until you and Baekhyun were at your door. You were about to say something, when both of you started to talk at the same time. Both of you laughed, you felt the atmosphere lightens.

"You first,", you said.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

"Of course i did! It was never not fun with you, Baekhyun. It is fun even if we're just playing random question,"

Again, the sad smile that didn't reach his eyes. The smile that broke your heart, but you didn't even know why.

"I'm glad we're best friends, Elina. I'm grateful we met. I'm even more grateful you cherished me as much as I cherished you,"

Again, the damned word, 'best friend'

"Stop with the goddamn word 'best friend', Baekhyun, I'm so tired of that shit,", the words that came out of your mouth surprised you. They obviously caught Baekhyun by surprise too.

"What do you mean?",

"Are you blind, Baekhyun? I cherished you more than best friends, Baek. I wanted more than just 'best friends'. Cant you see that I love you?",your voice breaking at the last sentence.

He was silent, so you continued,

"And don't start with the bullshit that you don't feel the same way, cause I know you do. I saw it in your eyes, and I thought I was imagining it, but you almost leaned in, Baek! You almost freaking leaned in! What's holding you back, Baekhyun?", you almost shouted, hot tears already running down your cheeks.

You could see his eyes softened.

"Don't say that, El. You can't love me. Please, I'm begging you, please don't love me, I'm not selfish enough to let you love me and I can't possibly leave you like this!", he sounded so frustrated, yet so sad.

"What does that suppose to mean? Why are you leaving me, Baekhyun? Are you really leaving me? You said you're never gonna leave me,", you asked quietly, not quite believing what you heard.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath.

"Let's talk about this later, El. When we can think straight,"

"No, I need an explanation, right now, Baekhyun,"

"Let's just talk later, El, I'm tired"

At this rate, you're talking without thinking anymore.

"Fine, leave me, Baekhyun, but make sure you don't come finding me back, ever again"

You shut the door on his face.

You made your way to your bed and cried, regretting what you said, but your ego won't let you take your words back.

You woke up with puffy eyes as you trudged lazily to the living room. You saw something in front of the door, right on the floor. Squinting, you saw a white envelope. Baekhyun must've slipped it under the door yesterday. Rage fills all over you, so you picked it up and shoved it into the trashcan.

You weren't having it today, so you lazily slouched on the sofa, watching tv all day. That's when you heard the bell. It was 9 in the evening, for god's sake. You were about to yell at the person disturbing your evening, but you saw an out-of-breath chanyeol in front of you. You could feel something bad is happening,

"Chanyeol, what's wrong?"

"Baekhyun- hospital- not much time", chanyeol explained in between breaths.

Your heart's pace quickened at chanyeol's explanation. Is this really happening? That's when the thought dawned at you. This was what's holding him back. You could feel the world's crashing down on you.

The next thing you knew, you were already beside Baekhyun in a hospital room. He smiled to you weakly, when you wrapped your hands around his.

"B-Baekhyun..", you meant to ask what's wrong, but you ended up sobbing.

"Shh.. El, it's okay. I'm fine, really," his hands caressed your hair gently, as he pulled you to sit in his bed, beside him.

You got thousand of questions, like how serious is his illness, what is his illness, but you kept quiet, cause you don't believe yourself to say anything without crying.

"El, can i request something?"

You nodded.

"Can we act like I'm not sick? Let's act like how we always were, hanging out at your place," he said weakly.

Baekhyun's request broke your heart for the thousandth time. You took a deep breath, closed your eyes and nodded. You told yourself that you had to be strong for Baekhyun. You opened your eyes and smiled widely at him. He returned it and you forcefully joked, "What are you smiling at, creepy,"

His laugh resonated throughout the room. You laughed too, and you were determined to fulfil your best friend's wish, no matter how much it hurts you.

Both of you were laughing at everything and anything, considering that this is the last time you're sharing laughs. You were playing random question and baekhyun's teasing you all the time, until it was suddenly silent. He finally said it.

"El, I don't have much time left,"

That's when the dam broke, that's when you took off whatever mask you've put on. Tears came gushing down your cheeks and this time, you didn't even try to hold it in. Baekhyun can't seem to hold his tears too, cause the sight of you crying was breaking him into a million pieces, but he kept on saying it's okay, while his thumbs busy wiping your tears.

"Baekhyun, if only I knew..", you sobbed again.

"No, it wasn't your fault, El. I made this choice,"

When both of you knew you don't have much time left, you sat silent, enjoying each other's company for the last time. Baekhyun could feel his time is near, so he whispered, "I'm sorry I can't keep my promise, Elina,"

You also knew his time was coming, so you just shook your head.

"No, Baekhyun, don't say that", you placed your head on his chest.

"I'm sorry I can't stick with you til the end, like I promised. I'm sorry I'm leaving.. you.. first," he struggled saying the last few words.

You were already panicking, your hands trying to reach for the emergency switch, but Baekhyun stopped your hand.

"You're gonna be fine, Baekhyun, we're gonna be fine,", your tears stained baekhyun's shirt but you didn't care.

"I.. love.. you.. El..." this time, Baekhyun's breath was much shallower.

"I love you too, Baek,",

That was the first and last time both of you got to say 'i love you' just like how you meant it, nit the best-friend-i-love-yous, but the real i-love-you. Fate is such a mean word, you think. Just like that, he left you. He left you alone to navigate through the harsh world by yourself. You felt lost. You felt regret washing all over you. But the most dominant one you're feeling, is the feeling of rage. You were mad at Baekhyun for leaving you. You were mad at Baekhyun for not telling you the truth. You were mad at Baekhyun for lying to you all this time. As if you were possessed, you shook Baekhyun's lifeless bod roughly.

"Baekhyun, why did you leave me? How could you leave me, Baek? You said you were gonna see me leave first, cause I can't even cook my own breakfast! Then why... why are you leaving me Baekhyun..." you continued crying. You suddenly remembered about the letter Baekhyun slipped under the door. You ran outside, ignoring how your legs are protesting, catching a cab home. Your visions are so blurry with tears, it's such a miracle you found the crumpled piece of envelope in the trash can.

Dear Elina,

My best friend, my love, my laughing gas, my day maker, my everything.

If you're reading this, that means I failed to muster my courage to tell you everything after we went to Disneyland. I actually started writing this the day after you told me you would bring me to Disneyland if you knew it was your last day with me. I'm not really sure how much time I have left, but the doctors are saying I'm fine, as if I don't know the truth. I'm not sure when will I have to book all the tickets to bring you to Disneyland, and also, oh my god the passports! But don't worry, I've already asked the doctor to tell me if I don't have much chance left, so I can plan carefully when we'll be going, El! Im such a genius, hee ^*^ 3/5/17

You stopped reading, as you laughed, but the pain in your heart has actually worsened.

Anyways I was actually contemplating if I should tell you I like you but the other day you kept quiet when i said i'd kiss you if you keep laughing. I guess you didn't like me back :< but it's okay!! At least I didn't tell you my confession first!!! It would have been awkward for us T^T 3/5/17

But I loved you, Baekhyun, if only I got to say that earlier..

The treatment hurts me so bad T_T

5/7/17

I wish I was there for you..

The doctor stopped my treatments cause I'm not getting any better, and cause it hurts me much more than it should be :/ 5/12/17

Hey, I haven't updated cause for a moment, i thought I would at least have a few years, but just now during my appointment the doctor told me I don't have much time left. Not sure if I should feel sad cause that means im gonna leave soon or if I should feel happy cause the doctor finally let me go to the Disneyland!! Usually I wasn't allowed to go anywhere with adrenaline rush like the theme park, but I begged the doctor and I said I'm going to die soon anyways, so... i'm booking the tickets 8/6/18

Why should I die, El? Am I a bad guy? Why me? I'm scared. <\3 8/10/18

You're not a bad guy, Baek, you're such an angel, everybody loves you, I, love you, Baekhyun.

You almost stopped reading cause your hearts aches so so much, but you continued anyways. This one was written right after you fought.

Hey El, tonight we had a big fight and I regretted not telling you the truth earlier. I regretted not seeing the signs earlier. I regretted not saying that I love you, and I regretted for being such a coward. If only I told you I love you earlier, if only I was selfish enough, maybe we could have been happier, even if for a short time. I'm sorry, El. I'm sorry for breaking your heart tonight, but I can't let you love me, and then leave you forever. It's not fair for you. It's not fair for us. You deserved so much more, Elina. You deserved someone who could love you as much as I did, but you deserved someone who won't leave you, just like how i will. 9/12/18

Goodbye, Elina. I'd have waited longer, but I really need to go, please be happy. 6 am, in front of your door, 10/12/18.

This was written 2 hours after you shut the door at Baekhyun's face. The thought of him spending 2 hours on your doorstep broke you.

You could see tear stains on the paper, and it wasnt yours. Desperately You searched for more writings, flipping the papers, checking every piece of them, but you knew that was the last one. You regretted everything you said last night but you couldnt do anything anymore. The times you spent with Baekhyun flashed across your mind. The time both you laughed so hard, until you feel pain in your stomach, the time you cried in his embrace because your pet died, the time when he got really mad at you because you were singing to Katy Perry's The One that Got Away. It all makes sense now and you realised you can't do that anymore. At last, you just put the piece of paper down, as you cried until it numbs your broken heart.

[wintrgarden]

a latte for your thoughts?

// a fan fiction dedicated to the winter garden couple of hospital playlist //

-----

"Ikjun, do you have my warm cup of hot latte?" Jeong won said, while walking towards him in the hospital's open space to take a break during his night shift.

"Here. Isn't it tiring in the PICU these days?" Ikjun replied with worried eyes.

"A little. I don't mind it though.

Yah, do you remember my liver transplant patient, Mina?"

"Yeah, the one where we had to cut the donor's liver to a quarter because it won't fit the tiny baby's body. What about her?"

"I went to her a while ago. She woke up, and winked at me like this!" Jeongwon lit up whenever he talks about his patients' recovery. His eyes sparkled and his smile widened. He repeated the wink so much that it could have been mistaken for a blink. In fact, he was so giddy that he didn't notice someone approaching.

"Professor Ikjun? The test results of patient Jiwon are out. Could you take a look at it?"

Jang Gyeoul, the third year resident of General Surgery has been standing there for a few moments, waiting for the two professors to actually notice.

While hiding his laugh, Ikjun followed suit. Jeongwon was left on the bench with an unwavering smile on his face.

Looking at him, one would think that his drink was too sweet to make him smile like that. Eavesdropping on their conversation would transform him into a humanitarian. But to delve into his thoughts --- now that, that's a different story.

It's nice to actually see an angel, once in a while. Just enough to keep me on my feet. I might be even enthralled by its eyes that don't wink but are enveloped with fascinating halo-like things. Even if this angel doesn't have wings, it has the most power to chase evil away. I wasn't sure if this angel could save me --- until it actually did.

------

"Yah, Ahn Jeongwon, are you sleeping here again?" Junwan said, while entering their shared office.

"O~ I just finished my night shift. I just lied down."

"Have you eaten?"

"I'll eat later."

"I also haven't eaten yet. Let's eat breakfast."

"Will you stop bugging me if I eat?" Junwan then pulled Jeongwon out of the cot, and dragged him to the packed cafeteria to fall in line.

------

"One iced latte, please. Oh, and a sandwich."

With the same baggy eyes and pale skin, Gyeoul was ordering her morning coffee. Just enough to keep her awake until she gets home.

"Annyeonghaseyo~" She greeted the two professors.

"De~" Jeongwon said, while Junwan nodded in response.

CODE BLUE --- CS. 3RD FLOOR. CODE BLUE --- CS. 3RD FLOOR.

Without a beat, Junwan, a Cardiothoracic Surgery Professor, left hurriedly. Jeongwon was then left alone. Gyeoul took her order and searched for a seat.

"One warm cup of hot latte and a pancake, please."

After getting his order, Jeongwon followed through and tried to find his way in the crowd. It was full of doctors and nurses waiting to start their morning shifts, so the noise was understandable.

"Professor! Here!" Gyeoul pointed to a newly vacant seat in front of her. The morning rush got the best of them that Jeongwon didn't think twice and made his way.

The crowd was boisterous. Jeongwon and Gyeoul's silence was awkward. It was not the kind of environment you'd want after a 12-hour shift.

But it was all worth it. At least for one of them.

"How was the Emergency Room last night?" Jeongwon blurted after taking a bite of his pancake.

"It's okay. There were a lot of unpredictable cases, most of which were tiring, as usual." Gyeoul's detailed answer was so calm. It seemed that the Professor's unexpected friendliness didn't bother her.

"Do you have someone to take you home?"

"What? No. I can go by myself." With a polite tone, Gyeoul showed her surprise with the question.

"I'll give you a ride home."

"No, you don't need to---"

"I insist. I still haven't bought you the meal you asked from me, anyway. Can a ride home suffice?"

Gyeoul was bewildered. But with the professor's kind nature, it seemed like something he would do for literally anyone. He wasn't called the "Buddha" for nothing, anyway.

-----

"It's that apartment on the right, Professor."

"This one?"

"Yes. Thank you for the ride."

"It's not a problem. The next time we catch ourselves on a rough patch, I can take you home again."

Gyeoul smiled. Her first that day. Then, she opened the door to get out.

"Oh, shit! I forgot!" The car stopped. Jeongwon's shock even surprised Gyeoul.

"Why, Professor? What happened?"

"I totally forgot about it. I was scheduled to get my car battery change the other week, then I forgot and was planning to do it today."

Sleeping in the cot that morning wasn't just to save time to rest up. He actually had long, overdue chores and was saving some energy to do them.

"Do you have a contact to a car battery seller?" Gyeoul asked.

"Yeah, I'll contact them now."

It was still early in the morning, around 6 o'clock. The service opened at 9 o'clock, so delivery wasn't possible after an hour or so.

Gyeoul stayed with him until things got settled. It was getting chilly, and the overwhelming fatigue got the best out of Jeongwon.

"Professor, you could rest a little in my place... if you like. You can sleep while waiting."

Jeongwon hesitated a bit, but decided to give in.

------

"I'll just get an extra pillow and some blankets." said Gyeoul, while Jeongwon helped in fixing the convertible sofa bed in her living room.

Once fixed, he sat and removed his shoes.

"You live alone?" he asked Gyeoul once she got back.

"Yes, for a while now." she replied as she handed him the pillow.

"Ah, I see."

"I'll just be in my room. You can call me if you need anything."

"Thank you... Also, I'm sorry for being so troublesome." His shy look gave him away.

"It's nothing, don't worry." Gyeoul smiled, and went into her room.

Jeongwon lied down. He couldn't believe what was happening --- and how the situation could naturally give a wrong impression. If he told Ikjun about this, he would make fun of him and joke about how he got things to escalate so quickly. Junwan would tap him on the back and commend him for finally picking up some tricks of his. Songhwa would be very much amused, and would romanticize the whole situation. Meanwhile, Seokhyeong would remind him that he's an OB-GYN Professor, and that he delivers babies very well. He would be of service to Jeongwon if ever he needed one.

His thoughts started to tone down, and after no time, he was asleep.

-------

"Professor?"

......

"Professor? I fixed some lunch. Do you want to eat?" Gyeoul wore an apron over some loose shirt and pajamas now, and sun was already high up.

Jeongwon looked at his wrist watch.

2:24 PM.

He quickly sat up.

"I'm sorry, did the service arrive? I must have been in a deep sleep."

"Yes, they arrived a few hours ago. I tried to wake you, but you were soundly asleep."

"I'm really sorry. You had to pay them, didn't you? I'll just pay you back."

"The receipts are there, over the table."

Jeongwon went to get them, and was distracted with the smell of food coming from the kitchen.

"Professor, I fixed some lunch for us, if you want to eat..."

He felt ashamed to take another offer, but hearing his stomach grumble made him look the other way, again.

Gyeoul was already fixing the table for two, while Jeongwon sat quietly and contemplated how much trouble he caused her all in a single day.

"I'm really sorry... I meant to wake up, seriously. I was just really tired from last night."

"It's okay." Gyeoul said with a chuckle. "I'm not holding anything against you, Professor." she added as she handed out his chopsticks.

"Thank you for the meal." he then said.

Everything was new to Ahn Jeongwon. He didn't need to wipe the table, or arrange the food, or even wear an apron. He didn't even need to worry if he was going to get enough food, as everything was already at his disposal. This new scenario keeps him gushing.

Being alone with a girl, in her apartment, eating her cooked food, and feeling something that only grown-ups alone in an enclosed space would feel. It wasn't like this was the first time something like this is happening, he often said to himself. It somehow eased his discomfort.

All while knowing the truth that this is in fact the first time.

But it's not like Jeongwon didn't have the opportunity and ability to; he just chose not to. His faith led him to a different path, and he was decisive to go this way. For the longest time, this weighed more than any choice he had to make in his life. But this time, something, or perhaps someone, was gonna tip the scale.

-----

"Yah! Jang Gyeoul! What's this?" Chu Minha screamed as Gyeoul entered the GS Department, in time for another night shift.

Someone left iced latte for her. With a double bacon sandwich. And some patches to ease pain. It came with a written note, saying:

"To my Good Samaritan. Thank you~

---- Ahn Jeongwon"

The handwriting made Gyeoul smile.

"Why did Pediatric Surgeon Prof. Ahn Jeongwon gave you coffee? And why are you smiling?"

"Nothing. It's just to repay a good deed."

"That's the most vague yet unsuspicious answer I've ever heard! Good deeds really cannot be questioned at all. I wish someone would also give me coffee." Minha wouldn't stop, but Gyeoul wasn't listening either.

She focused on the note. And the coffee. And the sandwich.

While remembering the long day with Ahn Jeongwon.