#anyway i've been listening to honeymoon a lot recently so

[veinsinneon]

Our honeymoon

Say you want me too

[rubyscarbuncle]

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content warnings: dysphoria, self-loathing, depression

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I'm not really asking for advice or help, not really looking for people to feel obligated to read this, just kinda screaming into the void. I wouldn't turn down that, but if anyone does decide to read this for some reason, I don't want them to feel obligated to say anything. This is just a post to just... Get it out.

dysphoria has been beating my ASS recently. I feel like I'm out of the honeymoon phase of hrt if that makes sense, where the progress has slowed down a lot. Everything feels a lot slower and more incremental. I finally felt like I look femme enough to pass (a feeling that honestly I don't even believe on most days now) and tried to do voice training, but kinda stopped.

it's hard, on good days I can tolerate or ignore my voice but on most days I just don't like it at all. I think it's one of the reasons that I've been nonverbal more often recently. Although it's also due in part that I'm actually allowing myself to do so on days where I just don't feel like talking, but I think if I wasn't so dysphoric I'd at least be able to manage to just keep my mic on at least. Or at least squeeze out a few words. But I just don't like my voice being perceived. I think it sounds fake and wrong and a lot of other things. I know I wouldn't be feeling this way if I did voice training, but to do voice training I have to listen to and focus on my voice, and I hate my voice, but it can't change unless I do voice training, but to do it I have to listen and focus on my voice, and thus the cycle repeats and as I feel the cycle repeating my motivation dips lower and lower. It sucks. Like a lot. I feel like I'm in this weird fucked up stage where it's just enough to not present as outwardly masculine but is still very easily detectable as masc. I know passing isn't tied to gender, but it's a shitty feeling nonetheless.

I just wish I could bundle myself up and just never have to be perceived until my transition is complete. But I feel like I'm forced to walk around like a caterpillar that's halfway morphed, one that should still be in its cocoon but is forced to walk around anyways. It's a really shitty feeling that I don't know if I could describe to anyone that doesn't have to deal with it any better than that.

I put on make-up recently and felt not very good after putting it on, like I looked somehow more masculine in the way that you could tell I already didn't have a standardly feminine face but also had shitty make-up applied that feels deeply unfeminine, I got complimented by someone I know who signed to me saying "you look beautiful" and chat I can't lie, my first thought was "damn I can't believe they'd lie to my face like that."

It also sucks, because I feel like I'm nervous to be or act like myself outside of really close friends or else I might be seen as "not feminine enough" or something. But that in it of itself makes me feel like I'm just faking it or something and I feel like people can tell that which sorta makes its own vicious cycle.

I just wish I could just be put in some kind of vat like the healing pod for goku but for transitioning. Just sit in that vat and let the changes wash over me until it's over.

Don't get me wrong, I still love being trans, I love the community, I love the perspective it's given me, I love meeting supportive people, I love so much about it, but the dysphoria (and not to mention the transphobia) aougoughhhhhhhhh, it's debilitating.

[notebookmusical]

Hi! I'm so glad you had fun! Oh that's so interesting about your accent. I've heard about people losing their accent. It actually reminds me a little bit of Taylors country accent and if it was more of an act and if she will do it for Debut TV. I hope so..even if it's just a little bit. I do actually like hearing her baby voice unlike some people. I guess I have a California accent.

So I think I mostly agree with your choices. I read that they are cutting out Damian's song and they're also adding a song by Renee featuring Megan Thee Stallion. I haven't heard it yet but I think it's out now. I know it's to probably appeal more to audiences that don't like musicals but I do like Megan so it's fine. Maybe it's a girl power type song and I'm sure it's in the credits anyway. Either way, I don't like listening to a musical soundtrack before the movie so I won't find out until I watch it. I don't know why..i guess I like being surprised by the songs, so if I see Wonka, this will be the case. I am curious to see how the music will be in that one. But Megan was also in a scene in another musical called Dicks the musical which I haven't watched either so I find it interesting. That one was more a parody of musicals I think but Nathan Lane was in it so that's something. Also I keep forgetting to listen to Renee's music! I think her deluxe album came out recently so hopefully I will soon.

I haven't listened to Sabrinas yet either but I definitely will..maybe on Christmas day. I saw a video of her performing the new years song and I was intrigued. It was almost like sexy..and different than I expected, but I liked it. I also forgot that Laufey has Christmas music too so I will play that as well and Kelly Clarkson has new Christmas songs too. But I totally know how you feel about the two weeks in between. I also feel that way from Christmas to New Year's Day. I always thought it would be weird to have a birthday close to Christmas honestly but yours isn't that close. I can't believe it's so close already..I hardly ever feel in the holiday spirit anymore. But I also wanted to ask you what are some of your favorite Christmas movies?

I love Lana! I would recommend listening to Born to Die. That's her first album and where her overall vibe and aesthetic come from, and why she was so popular on Tumblr back in 2012. That's how I found out about her and a lot of other artists back in high school. Yes..I have been on Tumblr for like almost 15 years lol. My sister and I were actually just talking about this. Like there are a lot of people on here who are two or three years younger than me and it doesn't seem like they're into Lana. Instead they're more into Lorde or Halsey which became popular a few years later. I still like them but that was past my high school years so I was never obsessed like with Lana. I also found Marina and the Diamonds, Arctic Monkeys, and the 1975 kinda and I still like them. So I do find it interesting a 15 year old would like it so much now but I was also 15 so maybe it makes sense. Anyway I would also recommend Ultraviolence and the album Norman fucking Rockwell. Honeymoon album has a more cinematic sound if you're interested in that. She also released two albums close together in 2020 like Taylor. I'm not sure if it was that back to back, but the albums are sort of a pair to me and it kinda matches a more stripped down Folklore style too. Her newest album is also good but overall I think her newer albums have gotten slower and some people don't like that vibe. She always has one or two songs like the old Lana though. I can always give you some song recs too if you want.

Thats one of my goals for this next year for sure..to read more books on my shelf. I'm still working on a list for now. I'm not sure if I will be able to finish Night Circus in January though just cuz it seems a little long so maybe I will move it to a different month. I also don't know when I will read Chloe Brown..maybe in February cuz it's a romance but thanks for letting me know. If I like that one, hopefully I can read the rest of the series. What are some of your other reading goals? Do you have a list of books you wanna read for next year yet? Also what were some of your favorite books of the year? Sorry that I was just kinda rambling about memoirs for a second there. I do remember liking Crying in Hmart but I think I was listening to an audiobook or something that I never finished. I think I remember reading it around this same time last year actually cuz I told myself I would finish it before the year ends but I just didn't. I definitely wanna finish it before the movie comes out though. Maybe I will try to finish a book I'm in the middle of now by the end of the year but I just have to make time for it. I forgot to ask you..what is your favorite sitcom? Mine is..no surprise, and a basic answer..Friends and the Office! Which is why I got their memoirs haha. I also really wanna finally start watching Abbott Elementary eventually next year.

I have seen both the movie and musical bootleg of Once. I saw the movie way before and am not as familiar with the musical. I think they made some small changes though so it does make me wonder about a La La Land musical. Falling Slowly is one of my favorite songs ever though. I also liked Begin Again with the same writer or director. This was not a musical but it did have some music in it and all of his films do. I also enjoyed Sing Street and I think he has a more recent film I haven't watched. But even Sing Street was on Broadway I think and that had changes too but I'm not really sure. I loved all the songs from Sing Street. They were all pretty different but music connects them and I like them all. I will pretty much watch any movie with singing or songs in it.

I mostly still love Taylor and always will but I do think parts of the fandom have to do with it. She was still my top artist mostly cuz she put out two long albums I played a bunch. I don't know why it feels different cuz I didn't feel like it leading up to 1989 or anything so maybe it has to do with me more than Taylor. I've actually had a dream where I met her recently and another where she revealed some rep vault or it could've been TS11 track titles. Lol those were probably way off but I am still excited for it! I hope you have a good weekend and holiday if you wanna take your time to reply! It was actually funny cuz I was scrolling my dash when I saw your reply to my ask come up yesterday. It made me realize how long my messages really are lol so sorry for that or to all of your followers haha. But it also made me laugh and I just couldn't reply until now. It's been a long time since I have made a new friend in general and that could be part of it too so I always appreciate you replying. I guess you are an easy person to talk to.

hello friend!! sorry this is late :( — guess who is sick again :/ i hope you're having a good weekend!! merry christmas, if i don't speak to you before that 🤍

i think debut tv will sound very weird without her accent, but then again maybe it won't! i'm torn because sometimes with the rerecordings, things don't sound the most ... natural (like the laugh in hey stephen / the end of stay stay stay) so we'll just have to see! ugh i loveeee her little baby voice. i was out grocery shopping earlier and heard her version of last christmas and was so excited about it!

i don't know how i feel about all of these changes! i'm trying to keep an open mind, and i will say that i always thought the mean girls score was weaker than what i was hoping it'd be (like legally blonde) but it is quite fun! i listened to part of the credits song, and then got distracted and then never went back to it! i've heard of dicks the musical, but haven't seen it yet (which should not be a surprise)! i think my friend saw it and said it was fun though!!

i rewatched white christmas last week, and i also have a soft spot for holiday inn (both musical + movie)! and i loveeeed love actually! i know some people think of little women as a christmas movie too, so little women 2019 must be on my list! and then i ironically / unironically love the christmas prince netflix films; they're so awful! what about you? do you have any favorite christmas movies?

i listened to some of born to die yesterday and was like "ah yes, i do remember listening to this one back in the day and liking it"! i've also been on tumblr for far too long :) i do like lorde and halsey! and i liked some marina stuff that was popular at the time — my tumblr favorite was definitely the 1975 + taylor! i listened to some of Did You Know That There's a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd when it first came out, and i really liked margaret! you know i'll always take recommendations from you 🤍 even if it takes me a while to get through!

i'm almosttttt done with my night circus reread! i'm hoping to be able to be done with it by tuesday, and then finish les mis by the end of the year and that'll be it for me! i haven't thought about my 2024 reading goals toooooo much but that'll be my first blog post on my book blog for the new year, so i'll have to start thinking about it soon!! i think i mostly just want to work on reading arcs/gifted books/books already on my physical tbr, but we'll see! some of my favorite books this year were: conversations on love, half a soul by olivia atwater, when broadway was black: the triumphant story of the all-black musical that changed the world by caseen gaines, the missing of clairdelune by christelle dabos, and the seven year slip by ashley poston — on a whole i think this year was kind of a mediocre reading year, but that's okay! what about you? what were some of your favorites this year?

i've never seen friends or the office! i think my favorite sitcom would have to be schitt's creek! a lot of my friends love abbott elementary so i've been thinking about starting it too!!

i've been meaning to watch begin again but haven't! i didn't realize it had the same writer + director as once! and yes!! sing street had a very short stint on broadway; i hope it makes its way back someday, i really loved the cast recording and what i heard of it!

i'm with you; i do think the fandom noise unfortunately has soured some of my feelings towards her at times. but i still love love love her music; i just need to distance myself from her + the fans! omg that dream must've been so cool! do you remember any of the titles? and no worries; i can always put my responses under a read more :) i love chatting with you 🤍!! hope you're having a good day! xx

[rambleonwithrosie]

150 Followers. Feel free to take this and use it yourself.

Okay so if you've been following me you know that at every milestone of 50 I go and answer 50 questions. So this time they're all gonna be Queen/Classic Rock specific and y'all are all welcome to take these and make asks out of them or reblog/copy with your own answers.

Favorite Queen member's solo album? Strange Frontier by Roger Taylor

Who of the band would you call to help you fix a flat tire? John, he's a dad and a diy guy, as much as I wanna say Rog I just don't want to deal with a drama queen when I'm having my own drama but I've seen him under the hood of a car so I've no doubt he probably knows how

What do you think Brian May smells like on am average day? Very woodsy, like pine needles and some light but expensive cologne

How would you kiss Freddie? On the cheek like a good friend I just can't get into his looks enough to think about kissing him any other way

How would you kiss John? Well if we're talking long haired fluffy John I'd probably psst at him to come around the corner and then give him a kiss and see what he does

How would you kiss Brian? Very carefully otherwise @squeezemylemon is gonna kill me so probably the sweet quick chaste type kiss

How would you kiss Roger? (My moment has come) I would walk up to him and grab ahold of one of the necklaces he wears and just pull his lips down to mine and crash mine onto his wrapping my arms around his neck kissing him for all I'm worth or less dramatically if we were just sitting on a couch or something I'd just lean my head up off his shoulder and press a gentler sort of kiss to his lips and see where he takes it after that

If you were going to date one of their kids who would it be? Felix, I'm partial to brunettes usually (Roger and Luke Skywalker are my exceptions) and he seems pretty cool and has done a lot of different things which would be interesting to talk about

Favorite gif of your least favorite band member?

10. Most recent Queen photo on your phone

11. Favorite piece of fanart?

I can't pick just one. I also don't remember where I found these and if you know the artist I'll happily tag them in the most. The artbis most definitely NOT mine

This is mine

12. Queen song that makes you want to cry? Love of My Life

13. Which band member would you pick to keep an eye on you at a party so you don't get too crazy and make it home safe? Brian probably, I would say John but I feel if he's drinking he'd be less than no help

14. Who's flat would you ask to crash at? I have reasons to want to say Roger's but banging aside I'd probably pick Freddie he was generous and funny and would probably do his beat to cheer me up from whatever circumstance had made me not have a place of my own to stay

15. Who would you want to teach you to play an instrument they play? Well I genuinely feel I'm best suited for drums so I'm not just saying Roger because he's my dude. Plus he could teach me the most instruments anyways considering as he knows drums, bass, electric, and keyboard.

16. If you could spend a day with Freddie what would you do? I'd just want to sit and have tea and talk and maybe go shopping later hear his advice and crack some jokes

17. Favorite solo song by a Queen band member? As far as written by goes, it's probably Let's Get Crazy or Happiness by Rog bit overall it's gotta be Rog's version of Racing in the Street *chills*

18. Favorite live performance?

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19. Whose singing voice do you like best? Roger Taylor (nothing against Fresh he's amazing)

20. Whose speaking voice do you like best? Again Roger Meddows Taylor for the win

21. Write a snippet where you're holding hands with your least favorite band member.

Freddie had never been to an amusement park before, hadn't wanted to go really, but John had begged him to come along and then left him with Aston to babysit while he dealt with his actual children. It wasn't that she had anything against Fred it's just him tagging along on her elbow was keeping her away from the drummer whose attention she wanted. They got onto one of the rides and she saw how pale Freddie was looking and felt sorry for him. It wasn't his fault that he was being a third wheel or that the drummer was off on one of the more dangerous rides that Freddie was not about to get on.

"You can hold my hand if you want" Aston joked looking over at Fred.

"Really?" He asked a little relieved. The two of them chuckled and to Aston's surprise Freddie's black nail polished fingertips interlaced through hers and he looked a little more at ease for the comfort of human contact.

"It'll be fine" she grinned and then the ride took off and the black fingernails damn near dug into her hand in panic.

22. Write a snippet where you're fighting with your favorite band member.

They had been living together for just over two months and despite not knowing how to boil an egg Roger somehow found a way to get into the kitchen and put things in the wrong spot. He came home from the stall.

"Where is the paprika?" She leveled at him before he had scarcely shut the door.

"The what?"

"Paprika, Rog, the spice that I was going to use for the supper I was cooking us, but I can't ever find anything in this kitchen" Aston said muttering as an afterthought "thanks to you."

"What was that?" Rog said coming over to her and looking darkly with his blue eyes.

"Just tell me where you put the paprika and we'll be fine" she sighed.

"I didn't fucking touch anything in your stupid kitchen" he glowered going to the liquor cabinet.

"Well I still can't find it" she huffed.

"Not my problem" he said swigging straight from the bottle.

"Well if you want dinner it kind of is" she retorted.

"I'll get something out" Rog said dispassionately.

"Fuck you" she muttered and went back to banging through the cabinets in search of the missing spice. She was on her knees with half her body in a lower shelf looking in the back and growing hotter for Roger showing no signs of caring or helping. She smelt the dish starting to burn on the stove and tried to crawl out, raising her head up and whacking it on the shelf above. She let out a round of oaths.

She went over to the stove and moved it off the heat halfway between tears and screaming.

"I'll order something" Roger said standing up.

"I can fucking cook!" She shouted "if only I could find the things I need when I need them."

"Well don't yell at me about it" Roger said and brushed past and out the door.

Aston collapsed onto the floor sitting with her back to the cabinets and started crying. She sobbed into the kitchen towel. So much for her cosy dinner at home with Rog. She was so distraught that she didn't hear the door open and close. She felt her fingers clutching the towel pried open and looked to see a bottle of paprika put into them. She turned her teary red eyes up to Roger's face. He pulled her to her feet and held her in his arms. Softly stroking her hair and planting a gentle kiss to her cheeks.

"Come on, I got us reservations, you can cook your thing tomorrow if you still want to" he looked down at her smiling and put a kiss to her nose and grinned at her in his arms.

23. Favorite picture of Brian

24. Favorite picture Roger

(Well it's one of many favs)

25. Favorite picture of Freddie

26. Favorite picture of John

27. Best song to slow dance to? One Year of Love

28. Best song to make out to? I'm In Love with My Car

29. Best song to drive to? Breakthru or Don't Stop Me Now

30. Best song to strip to? Tear It Up

31. What era of the band would you like to hang out with most? I wanna say mid to late 70s. I'd rather not have to hang out with them during Hot Space 😂

32. Favorite song on your favorite album? Rock It (Prime Jive)

33. Least liked song on your favorite album? Probably Play the Game

34. Who would you want to take care of you if you were sick? I feel Brian would be the most knowledgeable but I'd probably prefer Fred just cutting up and maybe grabbing the aspirins and whatever else was needed. I just don't feel Brian would be funny enough to cheer me up. And Rog I just don't know how good he'd be at taking care of someone

35. Who would you want to go driving with? Roger. Duh! So many reasons!

36. Who would you pick to spend a lazy (non-sexual) afternoon with? Well not that I'm just into Rog for the sex, he'd still be my first pick because laughs. But second would be Brian.

37. Rate how thirsty you are for each band member? Freddie 0/10. John variable between 0/10-6/10. Brian 2/10-4/10(red special is factored into Brian). Roger 1000/10 (cars aren't factored into Rog otherwise I'd break my phone adding zeros to that 1000)

38. Least favorite Roger song? Sheer Heart Attack

39. Favorite Brian song? Sail Away Sweet Sister or Dragon Attack

40. Least favorite Freddie song? Body Language and Get Down Make Love

41. Favorite John song? One Year of Love or If You Can't Beat Them

42. Are you excited for the Bohemian Rhapsody movie? Yes. Not insanely. But moderately excited yes

43. Is Queen your favorite band of all time? No. They're in my top 3 but The Moody Blues were my childhood and are so unique and very special to me

44. If you married your crush from the band where would you go on your honeymoon? The beach. Hopefully the Pacific Ocean. Probably some nice private beach just to have space with each other and I love water and he loves boating and stuff.

45. Who has the nicest butt? While I prefer Rog's ass I must admit John possesses the superior booty

46. Who has the best smile? Roger. Hands down and not just because he's my main man all around it's literally made of sunshine

47. Who would you go to if you were scared? Roger. I don't get scared so if I did I'd want someone around to make me laugh my fears away

48. If you were going to be in a crime fighting/super hero duo with one of the band, who would it be? John. He's sound and sensible and so long as he can handle my forceful personality and not write any DISpatches raking my bad behavior and rash decisions we'll get along

49. Do you listen to Queen daily, or at least multiple times a week? Yes especially if you include their solo works

50. Have you written any Queen fanfiction or made any fanart? Yes. Fanfiction galore. Some has yet to be posted but when I do it will be on @drummerinthecupboard