#anyway this is a 2am post I’m queuing so people don’t know I’m up at 2am

[thosemintcookies]

hey so it’s like 2am but i’m opening up commissions tmr i have a post queued up and everything.... I don’t really know what I’m doing but I used to sell art in elementary school for like $5/pop and I’m going to be asking for... more than that.... I’m nervous, but please be nice about it even if I fail spectacularly and no one wants my art and it’s actually really ugly?

I have a lot of worries about the quality of my art, like at all times so this is be being soft for a second sorry friends..... (i worry that i’ve been very self indulgent in a small niche and people are only nice because hivemind....) anyways. like i don’t want to fall into the trap of underselling my art, but i don’t want to disappoint by overselling either.... okay good night 

[owakoblack-portspa]

Christmas with the Teutonic Order

This is going to be my first diary on Tumblr. It seems most people post very short entries here, so I wonder if it’s proper to post a long diary here. But here I am, and I’m going to post it.

Christmas this year is the second one I spent in Germany. In fact, last year I didn’t spend Christmas at all, so I felt miserable during the holidays. This year I tried to avoid such a gloomy mood by attending Christmas ceremonies at church.

I’m not religious, but almost every year when I’m in China, I’ll go to the church on Christmas’s Eve, regardless how crowded the local church becomes. It’s indeed a fashion for curious young Chinese people to visit christian churches during Christmas even though they’ve no idea christian rituals.

The cathedral in the city that now I live in is far away from my residence, so I don’t feel like going there on Xmas Eve for it’s difficult to walk an hour in a cold midnight.

Just three days before Eve, an idea came to me: why not visit a Teutonic church to watch the Teutonic Order perform Christmas mass?

In fact, even though Europeans think that the ancient military orders are boring, I’m very interested in the Teutonic Order, because of Gilbert. Therefore, I wrote an e-mail to the lady of the Order whom I met at the guesthouse in Rome. She replied promptly, and told me that even though I think it’s inconvenient to visit their headquarters in Weyarn, I can visit the Teutonic church in Frankfurt.

I checked the train plan, and indeed, there’re direct trains to Frankfurt. I booked a hotel very close to the Teutonic church, and everything was well prepared.

I’ve already heard of this church before, and I know it had been the Order’s headquarters in Germany until two years ago, so I had not been very keen to visit it. However, according to the church’s calendar, the Xmas ceremonies were performed by priests with names ending with ‘OT’, which means they’re the priests from the Order. One thing to note is that nowadays the Teutonic Order doesn’t have any knight any more, sadly. Anyways, I was sure I was able to watch the Order perform Xmas mass--if I want to watch Xmas mass, nothing could be better than watching the one by the Order.

The Teutonic church (Deutschordenskirche) is not near the old town. The old town is on the other side of the Main River. That is to say, less visitors go to the Teutonic church. I went to the Cathedral of Frankfurt around 4pm, and it was very crowded. The staff in the cathedral seemed afraid of Chinese, for most of us have no idea of christian rituals, and tend to disturb them. Indeed, we’re very curious. For me, I’m more curious about the Order.

On Xmas Eve, this big city seemed rather bleak, for many people who work here had gone home. Actually, many pedestrians in the quiet streets were Chinese.

After I left the cathedral, I went across the bridge on the Main, and I can see the Teutonic church exactly located at the end of the bridge--what a good location!

This block of buildings might be a cloister in the past, with the church as its facade, and behind the church, there’s a courtyard, surrounded by several office buildings of the Order.

This is the biggest gate of the church. The two Teutonic knights statues are very iconic.

The picture below is the other side of the church, viewed from the courtyard.

The office buildings facing the church. The sign ‘Deutscher Orden’ is fading. Perhaps it means this cloister is no longer the headquarters. However, there’re still several Teutonic priests here, and I believe this church had the biggest Xmas masses among other Teutonic churches in Germany. You can see in this picture, several windows are decorated with the black cross.

I discovered at least three cars owned by the Teutonic priests, for these car plates begin with ‘MB OT’. MB is a town nearby Weyarn, and OT are the Latin initiate letters for the Teutonic Order.

The entrance of the church is the door under the clock tower. The church is not as big as a cathedral, but it was beautifully decorated for Xmas. The Gothic arches tell the long history of the church, which could be traced back to 13th century. I especially like the medieval chandeliers hanging under the high ceiling.

Nearby the choir, there’re more murals on the walls of both sides, but there’s no Teutonic heraldry.

There are two niches on either side of the nave.On a wall of a niche on the left, is a fading mural. At the foot of the pictures, there’s a knight with a Teutonic banner.

Here is the beautiful altar. Two huge Xmas trees are beside it. Later at night, the lights in the trees and behind the alter were turned on.

You can see more crosses in the church.

The cribs at the entrance.

The organ. Later on, the choir sang here.

The sacristy to the right of the altar. Later on, the priests prepared themselves here, so it was closed to the public.

The reliquary holds the fragments of the (kind of) true cross, which was bestowed a couple of centuries ago by the headquarters at Mergenthaim. Since there’re many churches claiming they possess the fragments of the true cross, this church doesn’t confirm the identity of this relic, but I kind of believe that it’s part of the true cross. After all, the Teutonic Order was one of the most powerful orders in the Holy Land. If there’re fragments left in the world, it’s very likely they possess some of them.

The church was busy on Eve. At 4pm, it was a ceremony especially for children. The staff gave children candies at the gate.

At 6pm, it was the Christmas mass for the Holy Virgin. I came half hour early, and sat in the middle of the audience. Among the three masses I attended on Eve, this one had the most audience, so it was the easiest to understand. The mass procession entered the nave from the gate, led by a server with a censer. When they arrived the altar, people stood up to sing ‘O come all ye faithful’ in German. I had a booklet in hand to help me sing the German lyrics. After the priests gave one or two speeches, (sometimes they chanted instead of reading), the choir on the balcony sang, and then we joined them. In the later section, the priests kneeled for a while in front of a golden box placed on the altar, and then the leading priest brought out the bread of life from the box. At this moment, everyone made a sign of the cross. Then the priests gave the bread to the queuing people. I also joined them, and ate the bread in the face of the priest. At the ending section, people sang ‘Stile Nacht, Heilige Nacht’ in German. The opening and ending songs were the same in the three masses.

The second mass began at 10pm. It was a mass performed in the name of the Teutonic Order, so I heard several times the word ‘Deutschordern’ mentioned. All of the people in the procession changed their clothes. Two of the priests wore black cassocks, each with a Teutonic cross pinned on the chest, and a chain with another cross--so this is the evidence that they are the priests of the Teutonic Order. But later on, they put on surplices to cover the crosses. Other two priests dresses kind of Teutonic priest uniforms, but without the huge Teutonic shield pinned to their shoulders. There was a lady singing solo on the balcony, and some men playing the instruments.

The third mass was at the midnight. It was called usus antiqurior, which was invented by the pope about ten years ago, but was based on antient liturgy. Therefore, it was the most solemn mass of the three. This time, all priests put on the white surplices. People became solemn too. We kneeled most of the time. The priests’ sermons were partly in Latin. I also felt this mass was the most holy of the three. Each mass lasted one and half hour, and when I went back to the hotel, it was 2am.

On Xmas morning, there was a ceremony called ‘Hochamt’ at 10am. I attended it for only half hour, for I had a train to catch.

Even though during the masses, I had felt bored once or twice, and awkward most of the time, I am very happy to witness this holy moment on Christmas at the Teutonic church. Above all, I have spent Christmas with the Order.

[ky-w]

Wednesday 28 February 2018

This post has been queued because I don’t feel as if I can post this tonight. So I’ve dated it for future reference and people don’t get freaked out.

I’m less than one year clean of self harm. The last time I tried was a month ago during a freak out the day after I landed back in London, jet lagged, sore, scared, sad and lonely. I hadn’t seen any of my friends. So I wanted to do it again. Just to see if I could maybe feel something. The last handful of times it’s done nothing. Not like when I was a teen. It doesn’t do anything for me anymore. But I still do it. Just in case it does. Brains are weird. Anyway. I didn’t end up doing it, but I had to go to the hospital because I cut my finger open trying to break open a razor to get the blades out. I was there for over 5 hours. I was in the safest place. But I didn’t tell them the truth. I didn’t want to get sectioned. So I lied to the doctors.

I’ve started taking my anti-anxiety meds again and honestly they are doing nothing. I’m not sleeping. (Side effect) I can switch my brain off. I don’t really feel tired anymore. I only sleep after 1/2am and if I don’t set an alarm I’ll sleep for 12 hours but if I do set an alarm (7am tomorrow) I’ll still fall asleep around 1/2am so if I’m at school or work (6/7 days) I’ll be up at 7am or 8am depending on what shift I’m on or what time class starts. So I’m getting maybe 5/6 hours sleep a night. Which sounds okay. But I don’t feel well rested. I don’t wanna go back to the doctors because I feel like none of them are listening to me. It’s really annoying as I know what’s up, or what could be up and I wanna get tested and get it confirmed so I can be put on the right meds.

For example the meds I’m on are also the meds my friend Fi is on. Now Fi is on 25mg and she says they work a treat. I’m on 100mg of the same med (a day) and I feel like it’s doing jack shit. I don’t wanna go back to the doctor about it yet as I still need to pick up my script. (A fuck up on my behalf I just haven’t had time off when I’ve been free and the pharmacy has been open) I maybe able to do it tomorrow I don’t know. It depends on what time they open/close. But on Saturday for sure TWO WEEKS after I asked for a new script. Well I asked three weeks ago but it takes a few days because fuck us that’s why. I can’t check online as for some reason I’m no longer on the NHS at all. (Hospital couldn’t find me despite being registered with them since 2015) so I’m scared about that too.

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it as everything is just going so crazy at once and I want to just have 24 hours where I feel nothing. Don’t need to do anything. But I know that’s impossible. Because people need to breathe, pee, pump blood around the body, stim etc.

Speaking of stims I’ve got a new one grinding my teeth and it’s a fucking annoying one. I can control it better than my other ones but it’s getting worse. I can feel it. I’ve never done it before. In my memory at least. But I can’t trust that. I can’t trust my memory. I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore.

I’m not scared or worried I’ll hurt myself tonight. I can’t be bothered with the effort. My blades are within arms reach so I don’t know why I say this. But I know I’ll be fine.

I don’t need another parent performing spot checks on me cause I’ll be fine. I know I will. One day. It’s not a promise. It’s a hope. But still. One day. This will all go away.