#anyway yeah sorry for venting and being barely coherent here lol

[delusion-of-negation]

personal, potentially triggering, post below the cut, needed to vent

you know how I bitch about how sections are like six months in my country? but idk if I've also mentioned that, because you have food and shelter, benefits will be cut or even ended. which at first might seem reasonable to you, until you remember what happens if you can't pay rent for six months. especially as you're physically locked somewhere and thus unable to work. like, I will note that they can't throw you onto the street afterwards, they'd have to help you get a place to live (which they could circumvent by putting you in a hotel iirc, so idek). last time I didn't have my own place, but I'd just been kicked out of my home, so I applied for benefits and couldn't claim full backpay to when I was kicked out because I was fed/sheltered (well, on paper anyway) during those months. I don't know exactly if, and if so how, they'd calculate stuff for a flat full of possessions that would be lost if I wasn't paid - not that it matters, my landlord would kick me out (they already schedule appointments when they know I'm on holiday or at the doctors or whatever, and threats if I miss them). and, if that happened to me, I'd lose everything, I have no family to take my belongings, and you're not allowed savings on benefits. when people say "we think you should go to a safe place until you feel better", or so forth, they don't understand that it isn't safe on any level - from rampant abuse/neglect, to derailing your entire fucking life. outpatient care and actual help here sucks, wait times, shit therapists, bigotry, etc. but then there's this fucked up saviour complex people have when they hear you're feeling... like, a certain way, where they call for "help" and treat you begging them not to as you just not wanting to help yourself - they do more harm than good in the process, but they feel good about themselves. so after this kind of thing happening to you, and/or after various other events that kill your trust in people, and if your situation is one of those where cliché lines like "it gets better" simply don't apply and you've started to get irritated by them, and when all of your friends are too wrapped up in their own lives and problems and prejudices and vulnerabilities to really be there for you... and so on, it becomes easier and safer to just keep everything locked up inside, y'know? and why does anybody think it'd help? in my experience, places will even fail to do the selling point (that's still up for debate, in terms of both ethics and efficacy) of keeping you away from things you can kermit unalive with - from smuggled in things, to surprisingly easy access to steal knives, scissors, the smoker lighter, shoelaces, etc, if you plan for ten seconds. do you remember how in school there was more chewing gum everywhere than basically anywhere else you've ever been since, all because chewing gum was banned? it's like that... but flavoured worse. I guess there's a lot of reasons that I can't and/or won't talk to people about feeling this certain way, and this post couldn't and doesn't bemoan even half of them. but this is notable because nobody wants to even admit that the saviour shit and the way the system is structured does more harm than good. I just want comfort, the old misery loves company, but without all of the risks and tiresome repeating of "it won't get better and- no, I'm not being a pessimist, I just know my situation more- stop getting offended that your hollow gesture wasn't appreciated" and so on. and I'm just tired of shouldering everyone else's troubles then they disappear or get angry or make things worse when I need anything more than a cup of tea and a catchphrase. sorry to yell at clouds, it just bewilders me you can be tortured for the first seven years of a shitty life, you can end up homeless multiple times and just falling to pieces, and the system still goes "well, good luck out there bro".