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#anyways brought to u by the fact that i have a prelim meeting tomorrow with a faculty member who 1) was not around over the summer
kaladinstormsblessed
ยท
2 years
Text
every day i get closer to dropping out of grad school
#having a rough go of it
#which seems to be a somewhat universal experience when going through quals
#the fourth year slump is real
#but also.
#it truly feels like none of this shit matters.
#genuinely. like i have a whole ass masters degree and for what?
#i think i'm frustrated with my department (and i have valid reasons) but also i'm frustrated with myself and feel like i am doing bad work
#and am therefore lashing out in a way that is really unproductive
#i am just. so angry and so unhappy rn. and i hate!!! being angry!
#i hate feeling stupid and incompetent and like the work i'm doing doesn't matter!
#i wake up every day and dread going into campus!
#i am simply so uninterested in being alive rn!
#and it feels like everyone i talk to just. doesn't get it.
#which isn't true and isn't fair to them but i just feel like i have all these terrible emotions and nowhere for them to go
#anyways brought to u by the fact that i have a prelim meeting tomorrow with a faculty member who 1) was not around over the summer
#2) ignored my cohort mate's emails for six weeks
#3) finally set up regular meetings with us - i didn't see her until
#the third week of the semester
#was gone over fall break when we were supposed to meet
#(which is fine!)
#was supposed to see her last friday for the first time in four weeks
#she pushed me back a week (probably bc she had a book due) which is also fine!
#but was planning to halve my session this week bc my cohort mate was supposed to also meet with her this week
#which like. frustrating bc my cohort mate has had way more contact with her than i have and like ofc mine gets cut short when it was already
#delayed
#and then she's going to tunisia for two weeks later this semester
#which also! fine! but means she will be unavailable! again!
#it's just hard to care about anything when it feels like i am not in the top 100 of anyone's priorities rn
#just. feeling a lot of grief. a lot of anger. a lot of shame and guilt and simply not good enough in every single aspect of my life
#(including the non-academic ones)
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