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seaofgoldensand · 20 days

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can we meet again once more? she falls asleep unbeknownst that her dream-self is awaiting to meet with dawnbreaker, but this time dawnbreaker wishes to talk to her about something personal.

note: thanks to this quote i found on tumblr that made me immediately think of dawnbreaker and @zayne-snowman for being an awesome zayne roleplayer (gimmick blog is a new term that i actually genuinely like and will use it now), since reading their posts of people interacting with dawnbreaker, it made me adore zayne even more as a rafayel girlie aheh. anyway! to those that read this, i hope you enjoy!

warning: angst once more (this will be my stamp), slight hurt with comfort, he will do anything to ensure she is ok whether mentally or physically, hints of pieces from foreseer myth if you squint

another day of being a hunter has passed and the city is as peaceful as i can be. that was her duty and she loved to provide that help in not only protecting the city, but also protecting her fourteen year old self.

now she can return home and settle herself in bed where unbeknownst to her, she would meet a man that she forgot in the waking life, but remembers very well in her dreams. as she falls asleep, a warmth surrounds her more than her blanket, there is a smile on her face that translates to the one in her dreams as she felt warm arms wrap around her body.

the man was silent, burying his face against her neck and inhaling the sweet scent of her perfume and letting it linger in his senses, allowing himself to engrave it into his mind for when he must let her go once more. she remained where she was, unsure of how she got here, but the man standing and hugging her from behind like she was the most delicate snowflake in a world full of snowstorms was no stranger to her.

“i’m sorry, dawnbreaker… did i make you wait for too long?” she asked softly, raising her hands to rest on his arms, squeezing them gently as she turned her head to brush her lips gently against his temple.

he shook his head, holding her closer. “no, not at all. in fact, if you don’t know, i’ll remind you… i will wait for however long i need to just to see you and hold you like this again.”

she smiled, although it was a mix of sorrow and happiness, two emotions that could never coexist with one another, yet were easy to conceive. then, she turned around and cupped dawnbreaker’s face, her fingers gently drumming against his cheeks as she gazed up at him.

“even if the certainty of me returning is little to none? you would risk that much if it meant you’d see me again? am i really worth that much?”

it had been a question that was stuck in her mind like a fly in a venus fly trap, no matter how much she tried to remove the thought, the insecurity to ensure nothing came between her and dawnbreaker, that question became a plague and dawnbreaker must have sense the shift as he immediately drew her in closer.

“of course. in this world, i have nothing left. i want to be selfish. allow me to be selfish and i promise to take care of you as much as i possibly can here in this world. it’s—”

“fleeting.” she finished his sentence with a tender smile. “everything around us and us in general is fleeting, yet if it’s all i can have, i could never wish for anything more. and you can be selfish, dawnbreaker. in a sense, this is your world and i’m becoming a permanent visitor, until you no longer want me to come back.”

dawnbreaker eased back and stared at her with his piercing gaze before he grabbed her chin, gently tilting it up so their eyes met. “there will never be a day where i’m not looking forward to your return. there will never be a day where i wish for you not to return. and there will never be a day that i stop myself from feeling these emotions you give me. for once in this life of mine, i feel something and it’s all because of you.”

she listened intently and nodded her head. insecurities plagued her mind, but dawnbreaker never once allowed those insecurities and self-sabotaging tendencies to remain in her head for too long. perhaps, that is why it was so easy for her to fall for him. how she felt so drawn to his presence, that she would do everything in her power to meet in the same world in her dreams.

“then, when i fall asleep, i will do my best to make sure to meet you once more. over and over again until our worlds allow us to meet face to face outside of our dreams.”

“do you believe such a thing is possible?”

“i do. it’s all thanks to you, dawnbreaker.”

dawnbreaker was quiet as he finally pulled away from her and held out his hand. “come, then, let’s have a walk. there is something i wanted to talk to you about. nothing horrible, i assure you… just something that has been on my mind.”

as the two walked and the snow gentle fell over the city, dawnbreaker stopped in front of a cafe. he gazed through the window and in there was a scene that did not belong to his world. in there was a version of him who was a doctor and she was there sitting in front of him, eating lunch it would seem. he could not help but feel bitter that this version of himself was allowed to be with her when she is awake.

“dawnbreaker?” she spoke out softly when she noticed him seemingly staring into the empty cafe. “what’s wrong?”

he turned and looked at her before shaking his head. “it’s nothing…” he stated, and she did not pry any further.

they walked a few steps more before they stumble onto a field of jasmine flowers. it was then that she let go of dawnbreaker’s hand and ran to the field of flowers, frowning.

“oh no! i knew i was forgetting something, have they not bloomed since?”

“they are just resting, and do not worry about taking care of them, we can only do so much in this environment. ah, but come back here.”

he had gestured for her to return to his side, but instead he walked over to stand beside her, coaxing her to stand up before he held her hand. “are you curious as to what i wish to talk to you about?”

“i am, but i don’t want to pry, so i would wait until you’re ready to talk about it.”

“you’ve called me dawnbreaker since the day we met, but can you stop calling me that?”

“oh—does it bother you?”

“no, i am used to it, but i want you to call me by my real name.”

she tilted her head, curiosity sparkled in her eyes as she met his gaze.

“from now on, you can call me zayne.”

the name tugged something in her chest, her hand then turning to interlace her fingers with his as she gave it a gentle and reassuring squeeze.

“all right, then. thank you… zayne.”

that odd muscle in dawnbreaker’s chest skipped a beat upon hearing her utter his name with such delicacy, it confused him for a bit before he regained his senses, stepped forward and held her in his arms. he cupped her chin once more and leaned down as he lifted her face up for their lips to meet in a sweet kiss.

“no, darling, thank you.”

“but i haven’t done—” she whispered against his lips after their deep kiss.

“you’ve done much more than you may ever know.”

her dream was spent on time with dawnbreaker, this time she managed to make him laugh and she could not help how happy it made her feel when he caught himself and tried to play it off, something about his image and how it could not be ruined.

but as the time approached for her to wake up again, she hugged dawnbreaker extra tight this time, placed a kiss onto his cheek and promised to see him once more when they both fall asleep.

but when she awakened from her slumber, she was left with an empty feeling. she sat up and touched her lips where she dreamed of someone kissing her goodbye. she furrowed her brows trying to recall the dream, but no memory came to mind.

“as always…” she mumbled to herself as she got up to open the blinds of her window. she thought of the man in her dreams, she knew it was a man, but she could not recall a face, not even features. just thoughts and memories of his touches and words, nothing more, no face to place onto the unknown figure.

“do you exist or have i made you up?”

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sassyandclassy94 · 1 year

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Crush Update (buckle up, girlies. This is gonna be a long one)

Okay so I’ve had a couple days to process and now I’ll fill in my tumblr mutuals that are interested and record it into my little virtual diary.

Last week was really bad. I was really depressed (like really depressed, worse than I’ve felt in a long time) over things that have been said to me about the whole situation. Instead of leaning on and trusting in God I dwelt on words from man. Anyway it all got to be too much, even after two very positive interactions, and by Wednesday it was just… yuck. But Tuesday, I gave things some thought and decided that I was going to try my very darn hardest to actually give Isaiah and the whole situation over to God. And for three and a half days every time he would cross/enter my mind I would try to replace it with scripture - specifically I Peter 5: 6-7 where it says to Cast your cares on Jesus for he cares for you. And it helped. Plus I knew a song from when I was little that used that verse so when he would come into my mind, I’d mentally sing it or recite the verse. And if I wasn’t doing that, I tried to work on my writing. Which also helped. Not to sound like John-Boy but getting out of your own headspace while getting into someone else’s (in my case Baelfire’s) really helps take your mind off your anxieties. If you’re a writer, I really recommend doing that along with prayer. But anyway it helped. I was also telling God that “Okay, he’s yours. I give him over to you. You know what’s going on here and why things have been weird but, he’s yours. You can have him.”

Then Wednesday night my sister’s best friend posted a clip of a guy saying how as soon as you start controlling a situation, the situation controls you and it takes the fun out of the whole thing. If somethings meant to happen it’s gonna happen on its own, smoothly. I don’t think it was from a Christian perspective but God still used it to hit me and penetrate my skull. I cried and told the Lord I’m sorry and that things were going well until I started to control things on my own. Thursday rolled around and it’s getting a little harder to rest in God lol! I was in the shower and I prayed out loud: “Lord, I miss Isaiah… think it’s okay if I send him a text?” And this may sound odd to any of you who are non-Christians but I really felt like God was telling me “Hold off a little longer, child. Be patient.” So I tried. And I worked on more of my writing later too.

Enter Friday. I was at work, when all of a sudden, noon rolls around and I feel my butt vibrate. Now, I’m not technically allowed to have my phone on me during work but since the manager was gone that morning I had it on me in case she needed to get a hold of me or if I had a question and eventually forgot that I had it with me🤷🏻‍♀️ Anyway I figure “Eh, it’s probably a sister.” But as I gave it some thought I realized that my sisters don’t really text me that time of day… so I took it out to look and lo and behold, IT WAS ISAIAH!!! I was so excited!!! My manager was right there and knew what was going on and she goes: “That’s awesome!!! But don’t be a girl!!! Be an adult and… just let him stew and sit there for a while; make him wonder what you’re up to😏 it’ll be good for him.” So I did. I tried to put it out of my mind and even put my phone in my locker during my lunch break so I wouldn’t be tempted to open it. Then I get out of work and of course I’m excited to tell my mom. But then I got to thinking: “What if it’s something stupid like ‘Youth Group is cancelled tonight’ or something church related? Then I lucky stand it any longer and didn’t want to make a fool out of myself to my mom in case it was that. So I opened it and it wasn’t that! His text read: “How’s your week going?” A TEXT SHOWING HE CARES! SHOWING THAT I WAS ON HIS MIND!!!! And it was on his own, out of the blue!!!! It meant to much!! And then when I answered him, he was responding within 20 minutes right up until youth group! It was so much fun! And when I asked him how his is going he actually gave me an in-depth answer instead of the stupid dreaded “Fine.” It was so much fun, I was literally reeling from it most of the weekend!

Then comes Sunday. He was in church on Sunday for both Sunday school and the service because he didn’t have to fill the pulpit elsewhere. Well, during Sunday school our Sunday school teacher took us to 1 Samuel 25, the chapter about Abigail, as an example of wisdom and wise words bringing health to a situation (she talked David down from executing revenge). After Sunday school, my sister Michaiah talked to him a little bit but when he was done, he turned around toward me and said “Hey! Your character was in the lesson today, how about that?” Stupid me thought he meant David cause he’s my favorite person from the Bible and when I said “DAVID??” He goes: “No! Your namesake! Abigail!” I mean GIRLS! There are THREE other Abigails in this church other than me but he thought of ME! ME!😍😍😍 And before that, he made a joke/jab at Michaiah and when he laughed, he looked at me, then laughed a little more after he saw I was laughing at his joke🥰 It was so cute! I can say that right?

Later that Sunday we had a Singspiration - the fifth Sunday of the month is always a Singspiration, it’s fun - and as usual, Isaiah have a hymn story about Blessed Assurance. It was really good, I wish I recorded it cause it was that good. But I didn’t. Anyway, after church I went up to him and told him how much I enjoyed his story. He was very appreciative and told me how he found it (he follows a blog apparently lol) and that led to me asking him if he’ll be teaching Sunday school again this year. He said he will be and he starts next week and I probably showed way too much excitement😂 But you know what? He didn’t care. I think he genuinely liked the compliment and reaction because his face showed genuine appreciation. He didn’t even make a self-deprecating comment about it like he tends to do. He just smiled and took it with grace😍 Then eventually Michaiah joined us and our conversation and it was fun, but before I left I wanted to ask him a private question about depression, asking if he dealt with a similar feeling as I do (that I won’t be disclosing on here, sorry y’all🙈) so I asked my sister to give us some privacy for a minute (and she did, bless her little heart!). But guys it was really nice. He explained a little of how he struggles but you know what? He understood. He didn’t shame me or make me feel like less of a Christian. No, he genuinely understood. I mean of course he does cause he struggles the same way but… you know how refreshing it was to actually talk to someone - the man I’m interested in no less - who gets it?? Aw guys it was really nice, so nice.

God is showing me that hope is still alive and that it’s wrong to give up. Is it frustrating that he hasn’t asked me out yet? Yes. But you know what? I’m okay with that. If he’s the one then it’s gonna happen eventually and there’ll be no stopping it. I just need to rely on and trust God and wait on His timing. (And that’s another thing, God has also been showing me so many verses on being patient and waiting on Him - not just in my devotions but also showing up in my Instagram - that’s another huge reason why I’m so sure He’s telling me to wait)

#the crush chronicles #personal #I don’t know what happened with him last week but I ain’t complaining!!

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spongebob-connoisseur · 2 years

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stupid question but who in the cast would be a tumblr sexyman

Sorry this is an old ask, I'm sorry I kept you waiting for so long. I did initially respond but tumblr deleted my original answer for some reason.

Anyways I'm redoing it. I know this is referencing the MildBobbySauce post about who would be tumblr sexymen. I largely agree with that list. So instead of repeating. I'm just gonna explain why.

**this is a joke btw

Mr. Krabs - I've already seen too many people being 📯 for Mr. Krabs. Gruffy dilf who's been in the navy. Y'all are nasty but respect😤

Plankton - both the musical and the tv show, even the voice actor somehow. A lot of people LOVE Plankton. Its the deep voice and rage and charisma paired with a good heaping of tragedy. A good combination. His musical counterpart is good looking. His voice actor has a lot of fangirls amongst the SB fandom. This is all no coincidence.

Squidward - both the musical and the show. If SB came out today I just KNOW Squidward would instantly become a tumblr sexyman. Tall, lanky, nasally voice. I can see his human counterpart being drawn with an oblong face and longer nose. Idk that's usually the stuff you see reoccurring in the most generic male tumbkr sexymen. Squidward's features would instantly be woobified into the most stereotypical sexyman imaginable. Minus the suit.

But that aside, he's snarky and sarcastic. He's aloof and disinterested. He's a snooty artist type. Come on. I know all the signs. Also his musical counterpart was *chefs kiss*

I actually had a bit of a crush on his musical counterpart 👉👈 like waaaay back when I was 16🤢

The Flying Dutchman - he's a ghost pirate. Ghost pirate dilf man. Idk I know some people who really like him, I wish them all good luck. I simply enjoy the chaos he brings along with him into any episode.

Dutchman's sea monster date - I wrote a list about tumblr sexymen so I know what to write here. This one wasn't on the list but I had to add her. Monsterfuckers gonna LOVE this one. She's so powerful she gets to on this list.

Charlton Hawkfish - you cannot google this character without fanart of him shirtless coming up.

Perch Perkins - I'm surprised he doesn't have more fangirls, suit, voice, generally decent looking lolllll. Nah I'm kidding but he's a blank slate. All you need is some insane person to project and create fanart for him and I can see this ball rolling into a cult.

That being said there were mega simps for him when the musical came out. Of course why not?

Spongebob - the musical one had lots of simps because Ethan Slater. but I can see the main series one also having simps. People would go crazy for the squidward/spongebob dynamic if it came out. Goofy optimist and bitter pessimist is a natural combination.

But to be fair, I think he'd be more the tumblr precious bean. Cinnamon roll boy. Too pure for this world UwU.

Larry - I'd say he's a himbo but compared to other residence of bikini bottom, he actually has brain cells. I'm not sure if its because everyone else is just incredibly stupid, it makes Larry seem smarter by comparison. Anyways he still got the strong and sweet part down. Go crazy.

King Neptune - both og and movie. Og version is built like a Greek god. Good luck. Movie version is a dilf.

Squilliam - idk snarky rich boy. Someone's gotta like him.

Master Udon - hehehehehe I added him here because I know someone who would LOVE this dude. I can already imagine. He's built like her favorite type. So he went on the list for that reason. I think she'd hate me if I told her xD but there must be other girlies or dudes or simps who'd be the same.

Manray - there's a lot of simps for Manray already. Sometimes he's a little too detailed physically in some episodes. Like in Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III and the tickle belt.

Young mermaid man and barnacle boy - nearly forgot these guys. They're jacked. In the comics they get more development and I can imagine it becoming a thing. Now old mermaid man and barnacle boy. Seek help.

The dirty bubble - tbh I've seen someone on here draw the dirty bubble in lingerie. Idk tf was going on there but good luck.

Gale Gobbler - suit, eccentric, insane. He'd use the weather as pickup lines. Someone can roll with that. I'm sure.

Don Grouper - he's gross. Falls into ugly sexyman but if Pearl likes him then I know some nastyass motherfucker here would like him too.

Fred - voiced by Doug Lawrence lolllll also he had his own episode. He's very sweet, loves his big buff nurse gf.

Norton - he's adorable. Especially in the recent seasons where you get to know more about him. He's so likable. He just wants to make friends and he's pretty enthusastic. I know some people were upset how he became nicer in the later seasons because they liked mean he was in the earlier seasons but lol who cares.

Though if someone was truly insane enough, they too can make him into a sexyman.

Incidental 70 - he's got a cult already. Who's to say a good portion of that cult doesn't have fangirls? I'm leaving that out there for ya.

Stanley Squarepants - despite the fact that the Stanley Squarepants episode being not that good. Stanley still remains well liked. I like him too even despite how frustrating the actual episode was. He had potential.

But that's not why he's here. He's here because this dude seems to have a lot of fics and fanart and selfshippers attached to him. I think they like the quiet, timid, shy nature Stanley has. He hasn't much confidence in himself which props up the fan girl/simp mentality "I can fix him"

Slappy - my favorite boy! You know I couldn't forget about him :) he's ugly and weird. But he's got the tumblr sexyman suit and bowtie (can't forget the bowtie! Classic sexyman trait) also if the creepypastas could get fangirls, if SALADFINGERS could get fangirls then why not Slapzo?🥺

Also other peter parodies on here get some love like Yetch and the others. Slappy is the same flavor as them so he deserves some bitches too😌

Though I think I'd die if someone made a human form and completely tumblr sexyfied him. I'd projectile vomit blood. I just know it. He should look like Hans Beckert or bust😤

Anyways here ya go. This shouldn't have taken so long tumblr is just super buggy for me. Everytime this gets deleted I lose motivation to try to answer all over again. With this happening so frequently, you'd think I'd learn to write it out on the notes app then copy and paste it here. But that takes planning 👀 which ruins my flow.

Hope you enjoy because I'm gonna go throw up my dinner now👍

#Ask #This gets deleted so often because its gods way of telling me not to write this stupid shit #Cursing #spongebob #spongebob squarepants #the spongebob connoisseur #sb #spongebon squarepants #spongebob meme

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minddimin · 7 years

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book I’m writing

“Wake up Ella!” my mother calls up to my room, I groan and rub my eyes. I look at the clock and it reads 8:00 a.m. Darn it I’m going to be late to work again. I’m only sixteen but I have a really good job at the pet store and I’m attending a private school but I don’t go there until the afternoon. I haven’t really been looking forward to anything lately. I have two best friends, their names are Becca and Zoey and they are really fun to hang out with. We make fun of the boys in our school and laugh at the popular girls. We live in the town of Weston and I guess it’s an alright town. It’s pretty small town and I like it, it’s pretty cozy. We all get together at Christmas at the Community Centre and exchange gifts to whomever we are closest with. Recently I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. I see a psychiatrist in the next town over, I haven’t told my friends but I think they know because I’ve been acting kind of off lately. I don’t want to tell them because I feel they might not look at me the same again and they’ll treat me differently. I don’t want them to do that, and what if the whole school overhears me tell them. I’ll be the school joke and that would be chaotic. I’ve been feeling weird with the medications, I’m bloated and I eat a lot now. I’m extremely thirsty. My mom says it’s good to drink water. I like drinking water though. So I better get off to work before I’m late. I walk through the doors and smile at my co-workers and my boss. I put on my work gear and head to work. Emma Hastley, she’s a popular girl, and she walks to the cat food section. She ponders at a few, and I take a deep breath and walk over. I ask her, “Do you need any help?” she looks up and smiles, “Hi Ella, how are you today?” Luckily she’s one of the nice popular girls. “I’m fine thanks, how are you? That brand is good.” I say pointing to the cat food next to her, smiling. “Oh that’s really great to hear, I’m doing great thanks. Are you going to Max Austin’s party this weekend?” She says picking up the cat food I pointed out and begins walking to the till. “Mm. I’m not sure, maybe.” I say shoving my hands in my pockets. “Oh okay, well hope to see you there. I haven’t seen you at a party in months!” she said handing her money, I take out the change and hand it to her. “I’ll sure think about it, maybe I’ll surprise everybody.” I sign out of work and head to school. I walk through the woods and the woods open up to the back of the school. I see all the classmates that are waiting outside the school and I groan. Why does there have to be so much people here? I walk through the crowd and see my two friends Becca and Zoey, “Hi guys. I’m sorry I’m late. I got off work late and woke up late. So that’s my reason for being late, what did I miss?” “Oh Ella!” they both exclaim, “we missed you, where have you been?! We haven’t seen you all weekend. We thought for sure you’d be at Joel’s party!” I look at the ground and rub my foot into the ground. “I’ve been really busy. I had to go out of town to do some grocery shopping.” Well that isn’t a total lie. I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist and mom and I made it a girls’ day. We went to the salon and got manicures and pedicures. And we did do grocery shopping, so I wasn’t making things up. “I totally wanted to be there though!” I lied. I recently started to hate the parties and going out every weekend. I would’ve wanted to stay home and do girly things in my room and read magazines and talk about boys we liked. But that is totally grade eight. Nobody is into that anymore. I lost interest in many things, I don’t do soccer anymore. I miss the way my life used to be but nothing is interesting enough for me. I tried to get into Track and Field last month but I dropped out and my parents weren’t impressed because they paid to get me into it. Another thing I failed at. I am sitting in English class, and I am bored out of my mind. English isn’t a class I’m really good at. I’m flawless at Math though and that makes it my favorite subject. I doodle a picture of the teacher in my notebook, and he walks by, picking up my notebook and looking at it. “Well Ella, this is a really nice picture but you should be taking notes.” The class laughs, and I turn red in embarrassment. Why did he have to point me out? So embarrassing! I look behind me and see Lindsay Williams and Lacy Munro whispering and passing a note to Tony Adelaide and he opens it, and smirks. He looks up at me, and grins. I quickly look away and I hear the whispers, so I look at the back of the class and see people quickly look away as they notice me staring at them. The note is passed around the class and it eventually makes its way to me, and I open it and it says. “Ella is so weird. Bet she has a crush on the teacher.” I look down at my desk and sit there in silence as the whispers continue. I turn red, and I get up and walk out of the classroom. Mr. Andrews calls after me but I ignore him, I walk into the girls’ bathroom and sit on the floor in one of the stalls. I don’t understand the point of my life, I write in my notebook as I cry. I leave the school and start walking home, taking the same route I did this afternoon. I wipe the tear that rolled down my cheek, and take a deep breath. In and out, just like Dr. Stephens taught me. I enter my home and go up to my bedroom, I pull out my favorite book; two girls staring at the ceiling by Lucy Frank and put on some headphones. I put the music to Kim Taylor- Lost and Found. I read a couple chapters and I put the book down, and sit at my desk, trying to do some homework from the night before. I sigh, and look out the window. I see my parents pull up and I go to my bed and pretend to be asleep. “Ella!” they call up to my bedroom, and I hear their footsteps approach. They open my bedroom door and peek in, my mother Alice comes in and my father David puts a blanket over me, and my mother smooths the blanket and kisses my forehead. My parents are so loving, I think, I don’t deserve them… I could’ve been something better for them. I could’ve been a better daughter with good grades and many skills. But I’m not. My father smooths my hair, “we’ll talk to her later… let her sleep.” They leave my room and close the door, I sigh. Slowly opening my eyes, I turn onto my back and look at the ceiling. I wonder what they want to talk to me about, probably about leaving school. Darn it, I forgot my backpack at school too. I “wake up” and walk to the bathroom, closing the door and close the door. I start taking off my clothes and turn on the shower. I like the water hot and then cold. I dry off and put some comfy clothes on. I walk downstairs and enter the kitchen. My mother stands by the oven putting in a roast with potatoes and vegetables. “Looks fantastic mom,” I say. She smiles and calls over my father. “We want to talk to you about what happened at school today sweetie, why’d you walk out of school? Your teachers are worried, and so are we. Are you feeling okay? Do we need to try a different med-“ I interrupt them “Mom, dad. Enough, I’m okay. I swear. It’s just… I needed to come home because I felt ill. We don’t have to try a different medication. I’m okay. It’s just the flu or something.” They nod their heads and look down. “We know it’s something more sweetie, you don’t have to hide anything from us. We hope you know that. We won’t bug you anymore, but if there’s something wrong just tell us, okay?” I nod. “Yeah, Mom and Dad, I’ll tell you.” I say as I retreat upstairs, and go into my room. I sit down at my desk and take out my drawing book, and sketch a few pictures. I grab my laptop and go to my bed, and scroll through Tumblr. I look at the pictures of the people cutting and quotes about suicide and depression and what it’s like having BPD. I look at my pencil sharpener and I feel the urge to take the blades out. You’re thinking irrationally Ella, you won’t do that. Who the hell would? Many people cope well with this disorder. I think to myself. I take a deep breath and re-post a picture I seen. I sigh again, “Ella! Dinner’s ready!” my mother calls to me. “I’m coming mom!” I yell at her, and close my laptop. I walk down the steps and sit at my usual spot, my mother sets everything on the table and she asks “do you want some vegetables sweetie?” I shrug, “maybe only a little bit. I’m not really hungry.” My father looks at my mother, “are you sure you’re feeling okay sweetie? You’re usually hungry by the time we’re home.” I nod. I take a bite of my food and thank my mom. “Thanks for supper mom, I really appreciate it.” I smile to show them that I’m okay. “No problem sweetie, I like for you to have a nice supper to keep that body of yours healthy.” They think that I’ve been mentally ill since the age of thirteen. I mean I thought I was going through some normal teenage emotions and changes. But it turns out I have two mental illnesses and that’s not a great thing to find out, I’m totally embarrassed. I hear about the stigma surrounding BPD and I don’t like what people have to say about it. People make it seem like having a mental illness is bad, and I guess in a way it is. You lose interest in things, you’re constantly in bed, and bored out of your mind but you can’t bring yourself to do anything fun because you won’t like it anyway. There isn’t much keeping me here now, I often think of death but I’m too afraid to die. I mean, why am I having these thoughts lately? Maybe the medication is making me feel this way, I should stop taking them. I’m in my bedroom, listening to music with my headphones on and lying in bed looking up at the ceiling, in the dark. I’m mouthing along to the words and it seems okay. But I have learned not to hope so much that things are going good, because once I start thinking that things are going to be okay they turn to shit. I’m tired of the constant shift in my emotions. It’s exhausting to be this way all the time. I better get to bed. I have school in the morning. Friday’s you go to school in the morning, and the rest of the week is in the afternoons. I’m not sure I mentioned that. I quickly fall asleep while listening to Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey. I wake up to the sun shining through the blinds on my window, I groan. I look at the time and it reads 6:00 a.m. I get up and brush my hair, quickly throwing it into a French braid. I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and put on some make up, doing this routine is so hard every day. It’s a simple routine, but it gets annoying when you’re depressed because you’d rather be lying in bed. My life wasn’t always this way, it was simple. I remember some happy moments from when I was twelve, my birthday party was amazing. We had a bouncy castle and Lacy was my best friend in Elementary School. I loved frogs and bugs, while Lacy loved Barbie, so I guess that’s why we grew apart. We just don’t have the same interests, but now I am a girl just living in an ordinary town with two best friends and the perfect parents. But I seem to be the problem, I don’t know why I have these thoughts but I have them and it’s so difficult to deal with. I looked my illness up and it said we have different perceptions of ourselves. That we think lowly of ourselves, and we have suicidal thoughts and we can act on them and be impulsive. I’m completely terrified of what I might do. I think I’ll have to go into the hospital because I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage on my own, it’s getting harder to manage my emotions and these medications don’t seem to be working. I have to talk to my parents before I do something… I close my diary and close my eyes, and I take a deep breath trying to manage my emotions. Cool off and slow my thoughts. I go into my parents’ bedroom and crawl into bed with them, my mother wakes up and she wraps her arms around me. My father wakes up and smiles, tucking my hair behind my ear. I start to cry and they look at me with concerned faces. They ask, “Ella, what’s the matter?” I take a deep breath in and continue crying, my mother gets tears in her face. My father holds me, and my mother holds my hand, “Mom, Dad. I’ve been thinking – thinking that I might kill myself.” My mother starts to cry and so does my father. We lay like that for a while, just holding each other and they thank me for telling them. They tell me that we’re going to get through things together and that they’ll get me the help they need no matter how much it may cost. “Ella, your life is precious to us and we love you so much, let’s go to the hospital.” I nod and go to my room to pack my things, we get in the car and we start the two hour drive to six towns later, which reveal a big city. Two hours later, we arrive at the hospital and we check in with the nurses. They immediately call me back and the doctor comes in with a concerned face, and he introduces himself. “Hi Ella, my name is Doctor Richardson. Nice to meet you, I want to say thank you for coming in today. You’re so brave.” I shake his hand and nod, trying to contain my emotions as he utters those words. “Why don’t we talk about what brought these feelings on lately?” My tears flow out of me like a river dam that burst and I say through my crying, “I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression, and I guess all that and the emotions I get and the thoughts that associate with the illnesses just got to me. I came in today so I wouldn’t hurt myself because I don’t want to die, I want to live my life happily but lately I’m not happy. I dropped out of so many things that I enjoyed, I was going to be my class Valedictorian but then my grades dropped because I couldn’t get myself out of bed. I just recently started going back to school, and now. I can’t even bring myself to school because there are kids passing notes about me because I was drawing a picture of the teacher and – and everything is just falling apart.” I cry harder and try to catch my breath, he pushes a box of Kleenex towards me and I take a tissue. “I’m so sorry Mom and Dad. I should’ve told you before it got this bad.” They dab their eyes with tissues and my mother blows her nose, “it’s okay sweetie, we’re going to get you help now.” The doctor finishes his notes and he says, “So Ella, we’re going to admit you to the adolescent mental health ward and I’ll contact your psychiatrist and tell her that we’re admitting you.” I thank the doctor and change into the hospital gown they gave me. The nurse smiled at me and introduced herself. “Hi Ella, I’m Hannah. I’ll be the nurse looking after you today until you go up to the floor.” I forced a smile, “Hi.” It took two hours to get me up to the ward and the nurses and child and youth workers there were nice to me. There were twelve other people there. They all seemed nice, some had scars on their arms and others kept to themselves. I sit by myself when the food arrives, and I don’t even eat it. I push the food around on my plate and I ask to be excused, “yes Ella you may leave the dining room.” A nurse follows me, “Hi Ella, I’m Natalia. Are you okay? I noticed you didn’t eat anything.” I walk to my room and I say, “I’m just not hungry. I think I’m going to sleep for a bit.” She nods, “okay. Well there’s going to be group in a bit and I’ll come to get you or your roommate will wake you up.” She smiles at me and closes the door, I put my clothes away in the dresser they have. I lie on my bed and close my eyes, I fall asleep quickly, exhausted from all the crying. I wake to rustling beside me, I look over at the other side of the room, “oh, hello. I’m Taylor. It’s time for group. I’m just collecting my papers for group.” She smiles at me, and I notice the cuts on her arm and she notices, so she pulls her sleeve down. “Well, come on then.” I get up and smooth my covers, and follow her out to the room down the hallway. “Everyone here is nice and so is the therapist. Her name is Felicia.” I nod and we enter the room, everyone looks at me and I look down, pulling at my sleeves. Felicia looks up from the paperwork and she smiles at me, “Hi you must be Ella. Come have a seat.” I take a seat beside Natalia, and the guy sitting beside Natalia says “Hi, I’m Wade.” I nod and force a smile, “Oh we got a smile out of her!” Natalia exclaims, “I smile.” I say, looking down and the smile on my face disappears. “Oh Ella, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-“ she says quietly, I cut her off. “It’s fine. I’m just going to go back to my room, I leave and I go to my room. I lie back down and close my eyes, and try to fight off the tears. I just wanted to fold up and stop, I didn’t want to think anymore. The therapist Felicia comes in. She knocks. “Hello Ella?” I groan. “I’m here to talk to you, I want you to know that it’s okay if you miss one session but you have to come from now on.” I sit up and look at her, “I’m sorry for coming here. There are people here with bigger problems.” She looks me in the eyes, and sits beside me. “Just like you.”

She gets up and leaves, I sit there thinking about what she said. I took my diary out of my backpack and got a pen, I wrote a page and a half. I don’t know if being here in the hospital is a good thing for me. I feel like I don’t belong in here, I think I’ll get my parents to sign me out. But what if I go home and I feel bad again… I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to hurt my parents. Maybe I could stick this out. I’m just a lost girl who doesn’t matter after all. I’m never going to get better. That’s what the website said. So it must be true. I have to leave before I get my hopes up too high. I get up and go to the nursing station. “Hi, I was wondering if I could get the papers to sign myself out. I’d really appreciate it.” The nurse behind the station looks up, and she smiles at me. “I’m sorry sweetie. I can’t without the doctors’ permission. You’ll have to speak with your psychiatrist.” I rub my hands on my pants, “Please. I want to go home.” In that instant, the door to the ward opens and I run towards it. The orderlies run after me and they eventually catch me and drag me back to the ward. I scream and kick. They grab my legs and arms. They carry me back as I struggle. I’m begging them to let me go home, and there are people looking at us. We get back to the ward and they put me in my room, but there are restraints there on my bed. They moved my roommate out of the room and they put me on the bed, I’m screaming for help but no one is moving to help me. Instead the nurses come to help the orderlies put me in these restraints and I continue screaming and fighting. The psychiatrist comes in and looks at me, and says something to the nurse. The other nurses come back with a needle with some fluid in it and I try to squirm away because I have a fear of needles. “PLEASE NO! NO. I DON’T WANT THAT!” They hold me still and the nurse calmly talks to me, “It’s okay sweetheart, one little pinch. Deep breath in and out.” The fluid immediately knocks me out, I wake up a couple hours later. I’m still in the restraints and I hear the voices of my parents shouting. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR DAUGHTER?” I yell for them, “MOM. DAD, HELP ME!” They rush towards the sound of my voice and burst through the doors, they see me restrained to the bed. “Get her out of these restraints. We are taking our daughter home.” My father demands. “I’m afraid you can’t do that, she is a danger to herself and she clearly showed that to us by taking off. So we are holding her under a seventy two hour observation. If you have a problem with that contact a lawyer. If you wish to do so, you may contact the Hearing Board and apply for a hearing. I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Jorgenson. We’ll have to escort you out,” says the psychiatrist. The orderlies move towards my parents and they grab a hold of my father, and drag him out. “ELLA. WE’LL COME FOR YOU.” I start to cry and try to get out of the restraints, they sedate me again and I sleep until the next day. The psychiatrist comes in, and gets the orderlies to take the restraints off. “Hi Ella, sorry about yesterday we were just fearing for your safety. Your parents have applied for a hearing, and if they lose you will have to stay for the full seventy two hours. After that, I’m not sure what we’re going to do but if you manage to keep yourself safe while you’re here I’m sure we can let you go home. Is that a deal?” I nod frantically, and rub my wrists and ankles. “I’m sure it was uncomfortable being in the restraints but we had to ensure that you were safe. We don’t want you hurting yourself while you’re here in the hospital.”

I walk the halls of the ward and spot my old roommate. I go up to her and say, “I’m sorry you had to be moved out of your room. I’m sure that sucked, who’s your roommate now?” She looks at me and smiles, “oh it’s okay. We all have tough moments and my new roommate is Michelle. She’s a nice girl but I wish I was your roommate we could’ve had fun and did girly things.” I stuff my hands in my pockets and look down, “yeah that would’ve been nice. I haven’t done anything girly in a long time. I haven’t had much interest in anything lately so having an interest in something is really great.” I smile at her. Wade walks up to us, and he smiles at me. “Hi Ella, are you okay? I heard what happened and I just want you to know that we’re here for you if you ever need to talk. Sometimes talking to the psychiatrist can be a little intimidating, so you can talk to us.” I look him in the eyes and thank him, “really? That would be so great.” I grin. Today’s been the greatest I’ve felt in a really long time, one of the nurses come up and smiles. “So glad to see you smiling today Ella, if you need anything come to the nursing station.” Wade waves at me to get my attention and smiles when I look at him. “Ella, did anyone tell you how beautiful you are?” I blush and look down. “Oh Wade!” Laughs Taylor. ”That was so smooth.” I thank him and turn to leave. I rush down the hallway and look back to see him watching me. That was unexpected. I wonder why he said that. I go into the bathroom and they have those plastic mirrors and I look at myself. Am I really beautiful? I look at my long, wavy brown hair and full lips. I look into my hazel eyes and smirk. I guess I’m not too bad now that he planted that in my head. I twirl my hair with my finger. I walk out of the bathroom and walk to my room to have a little snooze before group. I quickly fall asleep and wake to the sound of knocking on my door. “Wake up Ella, it’s time for group. My name’s Charlie and I’m going to be your nurse today. Your child and youth worker will be Jenna.” He smiles at me and writes his name on the board in my room. He quickly leaves and waves goodbye before he closes the door. I get up and brush my teeth, putting my hair in a bun. I put on comfy clothes, and I walk to group. I sit beside Wade and Taylor. Wade smiles at me and I turn red immediately. I turn my focus to the therapist. I sit in awe taking in everything she was saying. I go up to her after the group was over and smiled, “Felicia. That was such a great group. I totally didn’t want it to end. I think I’m going to like this.” She smiles at me, “well hello Ella, it’s good to see that you are here today. We’ll be learning more about the topic tomorrow if you really enjoyed it.” I nod, “I’ll totally be there. I want to learn more before I go home, because I could really use these skills and integrate them into everyday life.” She nods and walks with me down the hall towards the nursing station, “I’m glad you want to do that. I should take note of that so the psychiatrist sees how much you want to get better.” I grin and thank her. I follow Wade and Taylor to the dining room. Dinner smells really good and my stomach rumbles. Tonight dinner is Meatballs and Spaghetti, and I scarf the food down from not eating anything all day. Wade walks me back to my room and we stop outside my room, and I look at him. “Why’d you call me beautiful?” I ask, and he looks at me and grins, “Because you are beautiful. And I don’t just say that to girls, I mean it Ella.” I blush and look away, I spot a nurse and shoo him away before we get in trouble. “I’ll talk to you later Ella, meet me in the dining room.” I nod and he walks away, I watch him as he rounds the corner to the men’s part of the ward. I go into my room and my heart is racing, I lean against the door and I go to my dresser. I pull out my diary and write about how I’m feeling and write down what happened today.

Becca and Zoey came to visit me today. It was quite awkward for me to let them see me in here. I feel quite crazy now that they know about my mental illnesses. They kept looking at each other and it seemed like they wanted to tell me something but they were holding back. I’m worried that they might tell the whole school but they’re my best friends and they’d never do such a thing. I’m just being paranoid. It was great to see a familiar face, my parents haven’t come back. I think it’s because the ward won’t let them. At least that’s what I think. I miss them so much and it’s only been 34 hours since I came here. The time is going by so slowly, I never met up with Wade last night. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, I am not here for a relationship with someone. I’m here to focus on myself, and I can’t have any distractions because I got to get home, and being home may seem scary now. But I have to eventually go back. I can’t live here in the hospital all my life. I talked to the psychiatrist an hour ago and he said that my parents lost the hearing. So I’m stuck here until my seventy two hours are up and he wants to put me on stronger medications to help with my mood swings and impulsive thoughts. This is great because I don’t want to feel the way I felt when I came in. My thoughts are chaotic right now and my mind is collapsing in one itself again. I don’t think that I can handle any of this much longer. I’m going to ask for a pass so I can go to the store and buy a razor. Or a bottle of pills, it’ll be simple.

I asked the psychiatrist if I could go on a pass and he said it was fine, my, my, what a stupid psychiatrist. Unless he wants me dead this could be a possibility. I’m going to go out on my pass and thank God I packed my debit card to buy these things. I should leave a note behind for my parents to read once the hospital realizes I’m gone. I’ve thought about it before, about killing myself. But not like this. Not so real. I go to my room and write a note to my parents. Mom and Dad, I want you to know that I love you so much. You are the greatest parents ever and I never imagined when I was younger that I would result to this. I never thought I’d be this way and you probably thought the same. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I know this might be difficult. Why did I have to be this way, I have you two. The perfect parents and I had good academic results. Living has become this constant nightmare, and it affects my everyday life. My school, my grades, my accomplishments, all I know is that I wake up every morning feeling like complete shit. Tell my friends that I love them, and I love you too. I wish that I was strong enough to fight this to the end, but there is not an end to this. This is the only end and I had to do this, so don’t blame yourselves because it’s not your fault. I love you. A tear rolls down my face and I fold up the note, writing please give to my parents, and I leave. I run through the hospital and down the hospital steps, onto the street where I nearly get hit by a car. The driver honks his horn and yells at me, I run a couple blocks down the road and I enter a store, I go to the pharmacy area and look for Tylenol. I go to the tools area and find an Xacto-knife. I purchase these objects and walk to a wooded area and walk at least 8 kilometres in. I open the bottle of pills and begin shoving handfuls of pills into my mouth and downing them with the Gatorade I bought. I then put the Xacto-knife on my wrists and push down and slice. I bite my lip and scream quietly. I cut deep and I lie down and close my eyes. Hours pass and I hear sirens from way off in the distance. They won’t find me in time. I think, and then I begin losing consciousness. “ELLA! ELLA!” I don’t fight to keep my eyes open, I feel myself slipping away. And darkness swallows me whole.

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