#anyways... i start php this week for being sad... wish me luck...
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I had a "being sad" party in my dream and, like, only me and the ppl who helped organize it knew it was for me being sad, but there was a lot of people I used to know, and some people were dressed fancy, and some people(like me) had on just casual clothes. And at one point, ppl found my hiding spot, so I hugged like.. 3 people in a row, and saw someone who seemed like they were heading toward 6 I used to really like them, so like... went in for a hug, and they just... almost brushed me off and said, "One second.." and like, put her foot on the bench to try to fix her shoe, but she was using one of the shelves above to try to stabilize, so I tried to offer to help her, like let her lean on my arm but she just got this offended look on her face and I think she could tell that I was hurt because when I said "I'm just trying to help" she replied with "I know, you know I'm just ornery" and I just gave her a dumbfounded look and told her, "I think you just need to sober up" and just sat down where I was and played video games for the rest of the party and like I just heard her behind me go "really? Okay..."
#sardonic speeches#and then at the end of the party i changed into a casual dress and went to go outside and p much everyone was gone#but everyone that was left was in the living room and one of them complimented me and i almost cried#just... reflective of my life where a p completely normal conversation completely disenfranchises me#anyways... i start php this week for being sad... wish me luck...#i just want to be a bit more... self motivated and just... feel like im worth any effort without growing my ego too much#or focusing on every interaction that makes me think I'm not worth even the bare minimum effort.#i. really fucking cant stand when people get rude when you try to help them and then... dont even thank you for the consideration#either say no politely or atleast say thank you if youre frustrated and still dont want help#especially when youre not a stranger like... im not gonna ask for shit back#just lemme help you
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