#anywho lots of love.. rbs and comments are appreciated <3

[valreadsfics]

molting

♡ pairing: chan x reader

♡ description: the room was full of silent, dead air. the ceiling was becoming less interesting by the moment, but you couldn’t tear your eyes from it.

♡ length: ~1k

♡ warnings: a bit depressing, a few food mentions, symptoms of depersonalization disorder (dpd)

the room was full of silent, dead air. the ceiling was becoming less interesting by the moment, but you couldn’t tear your eyes from it. the last few hours were spent thinking things over, turning them around in your mind like a rock tumbled in a stream. the edges were smoother, worn down from time, but altogether unrecognizable compared to what it once was.

you, too, felt unrecognizable. felt as if the world itself was the stream and you were the pond, turning over and over, losing some facets and gaining others, never sure of what would remain the next month, year, decade of your life. things had changed so quickly even in the last year of being with chan, you couldn’t even recognize the you that was in the photos from that long ago.

you looked back at the wall of your shared apartment, the polaroids taped up on the wall. ones of chan and you, out on dates. one of felix, when he’d insisted on baking for your anniversary (and chan reminded him that it was his and yours, not felix and yours, which you thought was funny). one from jisung’s birthday when you’d planned a surprise party and jeongin had smushed jisung’s face into the cake. a collection (at minho’s request) of soonie, doongie, and doori. (of course, a few of kkami, bbama, and berry as well, but nowhere near as many.) a multitude of memories, showcased on the wall, of moments you’d spent with chan and his little family. in each one, you found it hard to recognize yourself, felt like you were looking at a stranger. you knew, somewhere inside you, that it was you; you remembered these moments, remembered being there for them… but the images on the wall appeared more like a stranger’s diary, a collage of moments in someone else’s time.

your eyes trailed back up to the ceiling as you continued to half-heartedly count the specks on the paint. the door opened, and you saw (the top of) chan’s curly hair poked over the edge of the sofa. he greeted you, “hi, y/n, i’m home~”

you could’ve teased him with an ‘obviously,’ but you didn’t have the heart. “hey, welcome back.”

he stepped closer after toeing off his shoes, lifting a brown sack and shaking it. “i brought dinner.”

you weren’t sure what he brought, but you figured it was good. any food is good food. you smiled, but it doesn’t quite make it to your eyes. he set the bag down, and flopped on top of you on the couch. a wheeze escaped you, “ugh, you’re heavy.”

“rude!” he said, only being playful, his dimples on full display. “you hungry?”

you nodded, even if you didn’t feel that hungry at the moment.

there was a smile on his face, a little tender, a little soft. it fell slowly, as he started to take in your features, the moment he’d walked into. you, on the couch, staring at nothing, not as playful as usual… chan knew he could be a bit exuberant at times, strong, loud gestures and broad strokes of affection. he reeled himself in back to the slow molasses moment, pressed a cheek to the top of your head, rearranged you and him to hold you close. he could recognize this from a mile away. he knew you too well for it to pass unnoticed.

“you’re hurting, aren’t you?” he asked.

you nodded.

“same stuff?”

you nodded.

he sighed, but said nothing. not a sigh of disappointment at you, a sigh that the world could not be a little more tender to you.

“you don’t deserve it, you know,” chan said. “and you shouldn’t let it sit so deep in your heart.”

your voice came now, sounding strange in your own ears, “i know.”

“why do you let it eat you up?” he asked.

“because that’s all i know.” you looked down at your lap, at chan’s arms around you. “all i know is letting things eat me up until i disappear completely. once i come back, i’m a different me, and i don’t recognize it.”

he listened, but said nothing.

“every few weeks, i molt. i become a different, adjacent me. you still see me as the same one, but inside things are different. all of my guts are in the wrong spots, my feelings in incorrect proportions, my thoughts in a code i haven’t deciphered yet. and right when i get everything back where it goes, when i get everything balanced, when i crack the code…”

“it changes again,” he finished for you, in understanding.

you nodded.

“and then i start all over again. and… i’ve become so good at camouflaging it that people start to believe that the signs of my molting are instead indicators of who i am. they see the shedding skin and tell me i look thinner. they see the cracked exterior and tell me i’ve become more open. they see the blood and tell me i look pretty in red.

“i look in the mirror and i no longer resemble myself. i feel like i wear myself as a costume, as a means to appear like i am normal. i look at the reflection and don’t recognize it. who is that stranger? who is that creature, with the sunken eyes and the blood? surely that can’t be me.”

the silence fell again, thick but not heavy. your words floated off into the room, before disappearing completely.

“it gets so exhausting, trying to figure out everything, and it never gets easier. i never can seem to learn the right way around, the best way to solve it. i’m just…” you started, then your voice cracked a bit. “i’m so tired. i don’t know who i am, anymore.”

chan spoke up after a long time, truly listening and understanding your words before responding. “it is you.”

“what?”

“the person i see in front of me. that’s you. that’s my love, my precious y/n.”

you couldn’t meet his eyes for a minute, but the tender smile lingered long enough that you finally did look.

“i’d recognize you anywhere. over and over again.”

his next comment was rather soft and doting. “i can recognize you. you molt, you change, you metamorphose right in front of me, but… i see it. all the steps in-between the last and the newest. you’re always you.”

“but what happens if i change too much?” you blurted. “and you can’t recognize me?”

chan shook his head immediately. “that’ll never happen. you’re always my love.”

copyright 2022 / valreadsfics / val. please do not repost :)

[justlightthefirstspark]

Utd vs Reading 02/02/2020

Or, as @danieljamesmufc so eloquently put it, ‘The Battle of The Baes’ (Baes in question obviously being Amy Turner and Angharad James)

Anywho, there isn’t much of a ~detailed~ analysis like other pieces have had. A lot of the plays (and therefore, issues) are the same every game, and I don’t wanna keep repeating myself by making the same points week in and week out. Also, this game was kinda scrappy and not much really happened - until the end but we will get there in due time. I have a LOT of thoughts about the end of this game.

Few small changes in the XI - due to McManus picking up an injury vs Chelsea, Amy came back in at CB which was just

And then I saw Harris at RB 😐 I think I’ve made my feelings about that very clear, and I don’t wanna start hating on Martha for the sake of it, but Smith is the better of the two imo. And I just can’t see why Casey keeps insisting on playing TWO natural RB’s when she has a natural LB sitting on the bench ALL THE TIME, collecting splinters in her arsecheeks. It’s annoying, and I’m kinda sick of it.

Lizzie Arnot dropped out of the XI, in favour of Jane Ross for this one, and everything else was pretty much the same as Wednesday night.

Also, and I would really appreciate some help/info/whatever you’ve all got for this, but I was under the impression that Amy couldn’t (or at least, wasn’t really supposed to) play 3 games in one week? I’m like 90% sure that Casey benched her a few times in the second half of last season for this exact reason? Apparently that’s down to the knee injury she had a few years ago, but I would appreciate some clarification on this if anyone has anything 🧐

Also (I’m being annoying now, sorry) but this commentator was... bad. Mispronuncing players names (who is Jackie Groinen?), not even bothering to try and pronounce others (here’s looking at you, Angharad James), misidentifying players, just not really knowing what was happening a solid 83% of the time... idk who she is but she needs to not commentate on a United game again, I can’t listen to her. Girl had some, interesting, opinions too, and I’m quoting her directly now, “United will think that they’re due a defeat” 🧐 I’m not entirely sure how, or why, that would be the case, but apparently both United and Reading have alternating W/L runs in the league and today was Reading’s turn to win? I was confused. I still kinda am. And I didn’t like it.

First half:

The first 10 mins of this were pretty boring tbh. There was an awful lot of back and forth, misplaced passes, interceptions and the like. I think United were just on top in the opening few minutes, judging by the amount of time they spent in Reading’s half, and their possession.

‘8 - Corner and a free kick for United in quick succession. Nothing came from either (surprise surprise), but there was a lovely bit of ball control in the box from Ross after the FK. Just couldn’t get it to Sigsworth (who probably would have scored but we don’t need to talk about it)

‘13 - Another potential Ross/Sigsworth link up in the box but Ross just swept it straight into the legs of a Reading player, instead of passing to Jess on her left 🤷🏽‍♀️ I thought she was okay today, so I won’t give her too much grief for that mistake

‘16 - decent chance for Sigsworth, ended up launching it straight at *insert Reading player here.* Foreal, I have no idea who it was. Sorry. Groenen and Zelem both had decent opportunities following this, but nothing came of either of those

‘17 - Another corner for Utd, wasn’t a great delivery to be honest. Was played out and worked back in, LJ managed to get a shot off but sent it behind with a deflection so yet more corners followed. With nothing coming from any of them - this is starting to be a problem. We never challenge from set pieces, and I’m genuinely starting to wonder why that is? Does someone else need to take them? Or what?

There was *a lot* of midfield action around this time, more back and forth, a few fouls, and free kicks. None of this was noteworthy, hence the lack of notes.

‘21 - Amy stop backpassing challenge. I gave Abbie SO much shit for this vs City and Chelsea (as well as vs Spurs, oops), so I guess it’s Amy’s turn now. Sidenote: I think ‘Turner & Turner’ is my fave chant, the original at least. No disrespect to Abbie but seeing Turner x2 at CB on the teamsheet has me like

‘28 - Earps’ clearnances need work. Like, a lot of work. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m never fully convinced by the ball that leaves her feet, and I don’t think she is either which is an issue 😬

‘29 - GOAL - United. I was literally just making a note on how boring I was finding this game - my highlight by the 28 minute mark was Amy lashing her boot into Tash Harding’s face. Lol. - when Lauren James appears literally out of nowhere and lashes one home. A gorgeous strike, cutting in from the left. This kid is lethal.

‘38 - Today I learned that we really only have one fast defender - Millie. Martha somehow outpaced Amy back with Reading on the break and I think my jaw hit the floor.

‘41 - United have the ball in the back of the net again. Amy got under a well struck free from Zelem and fired it home, but somehow was ruled offside. Clearly this ref and I have very, very different opinions about what the offisde rule actually constitutes, cause she was very much clearly onside.

Idk if you can see properly in those pics, but no one is offside in any of them. You can see in this video too, that Amy is in fact, NOT offside. I’m not having that one, it should have stood. https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1223984745413038081?s=21

I just. I’m highkey so annoyed. And I’m definitely dragging this out but like

Moving on. That concluded a pretty uneventful half, aside from the goal and the offside that wasn’t actually offside.

Halftime:

Reading made a pretty interesting change at the half, subbing Haz off for LMKU. Maybe LMKU offers more of a threat going forward, but I thought Haz was pretty solid in the first half? She was certainly a lot better today than she was in the reverse fixture - she was shredded by Galton on every single run but I didn’t see her do anything like that this time? Anyway. (Also I’m lowkey sad Amy never got to slide tackle her into the middle of next week)

Second half:

‘47 - Quality build up work down the left and a gorgeous ball into the box from LJ, I fortune my it just brushed past Sigsworth and Ross in the 6 yard box/penalty area. So close to a second for United.

‘51 - a pretty poor free kick from Zelem, and a pretty poor decision and back pass from James. Sometimes I wonder if people on this team think about what they’re doing before they do it 🤗

‘53 - decent chance for Reading, which ultimately comes off the back post. United very lucky to get away with that one.

‘59 - Harris was very far forward there for a time. Like in the opposition box forward. Hello, anxiety. Also Amy nearly body checked someone around the same time and I was truly living my best life.

‘61 - Zel with a decent free kick, just couldn’t get the dip it needed to hit the back of the net

‘62 - another good strike from LJ, unfortunately just straight at the keeper.

‘63 - Penalty - Reading. Yellow for Amy for pushing Utland (I didn’t catch who it actually was, but according to Reading’s twitter it was LMKU) and conceding the pen.

‘64 - MARY EARPS SAFE HANDS LET’S GOOOO 🗣👏🏽🔥 What a save, my god. I was sure that was going in, but I’ve never been happier to be proven wrong in my life.

‘75 - another great chance for LJ - a lovely strike, think it could have done with a little bit of a chip, and then surely it was going in. Good work from Jess and Jackie in the build up too

‘76 - ‘82. This is where shit got crazy. And I really have no words for what I saw during this 6 minutes. Well, I do have words - I have a lot of them - but most of them aren’t suitable for this platform so I’ll just keep those ones to myself. Never in all my life have I seen such incompetent refereeing. A free kick awarded to Reading on the edge of the box, due to a ‘handball’ (that didn’t happen) by Lauren James, is cleared and HEADED away by Katie Zelem. The ref then proceeds to book Zelem for handball which, unless she suddenly has a third arm growing out of her FACE (I can confirm - she does not), makes absolutely zero sense, and awards Reading another penalty.

Jess also managed to get herself booked for questioning the ref’s decision and defending Katie sjsjsj, and not a single Reading player made a claim for that penalty. Surely, if she had handled the ball, every Reading player in the box would have appealed for it? You can clearly see the ball hit her head in the video linked below, but apparently the arm bone is now connected to the face bone, at least according to this ref anyway. 🙄

https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1223996019022626821?s=21

I have no more thoughts on whatever happened after that because I had to turn it off before they scored that penalty, otherwise I would have drop kicked my laptop out my window. For what it’s worth, I did think Martha had a decent game today. I still want Smith at RB and Lotta at LB while Amy’s at CB though. You can’t make me change my mind 🤗

This is the third time this week alone that United have been robbed by poor referees, and apparently the ref of the City/Arsenal game today wasn’t much better. I didn’t see that game so I can’t really comment, but I don’t doubt those claims. The standard and quality of refereeing I’ve seen over the past 2 seasons since my introduction to women’s football has been appalling. And it’s not fair, I think this tweet pretty much sums it up.

The FA has pretty much demanded that every team/club in the WSL be full time, it’s about time that they demand the same qualifications and high quality from their officials, because this just isn’t good enough. And not just from the standpoint of a United fan, and in the context of today’s result, but league wide. It’s just not good enough. I’m completley here for literally everybody calling this shambles out for what it is, and the United girls being salty af on the tl.

Sorry that is this kinda long and ranty, but I’m in my feelings about this ref. ✌🏽