#anywyas i hope this makes your day a little bit worse

[maeslay]

hop on ;)

[solarbird]

And just like that, she was down, Chapter 5: LENA WHAT THE HELL

[AO3 link]

D.va > LENA WHAT THE HELL?! Σ(ﾟДﾟ；≡；ﾟдﾟ) D.va > LENA D.va > LENA WHAT IS GOING ON TALKT O ME щ（ﾟДﾟщ） D.va > LENA D.va > LENA D.va > LENA DO NOT MAKE ME (ง'̀-‘́)ง YOU D.va > LENA D.va > LENA D.va > LENA D.va > LENA TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE D.va > LENA D.va > LENA LENA D.va > LENA LENA LENA LENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Tracer looked at the chat log - hundreds of lines of it, all more or less the same - from their Yukon safehouse, a room behind a little supplies store on the side of the Dempster Highway in the Yukon tundra, halfway between Dawson and nowhere. 23 hours a day of sunlight would make her even more hyperactive than usual, but it still paled before the unlimited energy force which was Hana Song.

She checked the time. Well, it'll depend on where she is right now, I suppose... And then the text scrolled again, on its own.

D.VA > LENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA TALK TO MEEEEEEEE Tracer > Hey, Deeves. D.va > LENA LENA LENA LE D.va > LENA!!!1 Tracer > Hiya D.va > ARE YOU OK? DOES /╲/\╭ºoꍘoº╮/\╱\ HAVE YOU?! ARE! U! OK! Tracer> I'm fine. Kestrel's fine. Widowmaker is... as fine as she ever is. D.va > WHAT THE HELL?! DID U RLY RIP THE WALLS OFF OF MEDBAY?

Lena laughed, quietly. "Hey, Em, you impressed Hana!"

Emily leaned over and looked at Lena's screen. "...you're on chat? They didn't block your account?"

"This is Hana's personal server. She gave me a login there for when she's in Korea. Thought I'd check it, since Winston hasn't answered any of my messages." She'd hoped he would. He might've voted for deprogramming, but - like Tracer and Kestrel - he'd also argued that Widowmaker should at least have a voice in it.

"They've closed ranks, at least 'till they see what happens. I was afraid of that." Emily put her hand on Lena's shoulder, gently. "I'm sorry. But I still think he'll come 'round eventually."

"I gotta hope so."

Tracer > Nah D.va > ???! Tracer > That was Kestrel. D.va > (╬ಠ益ಠ) WHY?! Tracer > Because we made a promise and we meant it. For better or for worse. D.va > A promise? To whom? Tracer > Widowmaker. Don't you know about this? D.va > /╲/\╭ºoꍘoº╮/\╱\ KIDNAPPED YOU?!

Widowmaker saw Lena's sudden smile, and looked over onto her screen. "How does she type those character graphics so quickly? I... like that one."

"She doesn't," replied the teleporter. "At least, I don't think she does. She keeps 'em all in big text files, hundreds of 'em."

Tracer > No. We... you don't know about this at all, do you. D.va > NO I DON'T BUT YOU BETTER TELL ME RIGHT NOW Tracer > Kestrel and I ... we promised Widowmaker, a couple of months ago, in London, if she wanted to get away from Talon, we'd help her. D.va > ...OKAY Tracer > Part of that was, nobody's changing her again, not against her will. That includes Overwatch. We swore that wouldn't happen. Capturing her, that's one thing, doing to her what Talon did to Amélie, that's another. 'Cause she's a person, too, even if the doc don't think so. D.va > Okay... Tracer > D'ya see what I'm saying? We swore we wouldn't do to her what Talon did to Amélie... or let anybody else do it either. D.va > ...okay... Tracer > And Angie... didn't agree. D.va > ...oh Tracer > She said Widowmaker wasn't really a person, couldn't really consent or not consent, that the only way t'fix that was "reversing her conditioning," and so it wasn't the same thing. D.va > ... Tracer > Like she was on some kind of hallucinogen or drunk or something like that D.va > ᕙ(⇀‸↼#)ᕗ Tracer > but I'll be snookered if I can see a difference D.va > ... Tracer > since either way the person we made a promise wouldn't exist anymore once she was done. D.va > （・Ａ・） Tracer > so we stopped it. We kept our promise. Tracer > sorry about the mess. D.va > ... Tracer > It was kinda spur-of-the-moment. D.va > ... Tracer > We kinda figured, we talk Widowmaker out of Talon, we might have to quit Overwatch Tracer > We didn't really think we'd have to break her out. Not really. Tracer > But ... we did what we had to. I don't regret it. D.va > ... D.va > So... you're saying Angela was going to ... undo spiderfication ... and turn her back into Amélie? Tracer > Try to, anywya. Tracer > anyway D.va > But Widowmaker didn't agree to it. Tracer > If you were her... would you? D.va > ... D.va > ... D.va > ...no Tracer > So there y'are. Tracer > That's why. D.va > ... D.va > (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ D.va > WIDOWMAKER IS A MONSTER BUT tHAT's STILL NOT OKAY Tracer > Not even sure she's a monster Tracer > A killer, sure, that's all she's ever known Tracer > But you and me, we're both military, we both have death counts D.va > ... D.va > it's different Tracer > it is Tracer > but i can fight in a war and still oppose the death penalty Tracer > cause that's different too D.va > ... D.va > ...but you're okay. Tracer > Yeh. D.va > Kestrel's okay. Tracer > Yeh. D.va > Talon doesn't have you. Tracer > Heh - no. Talon's after us too. Tracer > but they don't know where we are Tracer > and they're mostly after Widowmaker anyway, they've always been after us Tracer > what's one more kill-on-sight order between friends? D.va > ...they want to kill the spider now? Tracer > Yep. Tracer > Don't trust her anymore. Tracer > If our intel's good, it came down from the top. D.va > ... D.va > Where are you?

The three of them had left the Oregon desert safehouse after a round of showers, the chance to enjoy some food outside of a moving vehicle, and a day of proper sleep. Widowmaker had even complimented their choice of mattresses, proving again that the spider had some interest in creature comforts.

There'd been no Interpol notice - or anything similar - about any of them yet, the key word being "yet." Nothing on Lena "Tracer" Oxton, or Emily "Kestrel" Oxton, or even anything new about Amélie "Widowmaker" Lacroix, or any combination thereof. Emily's current consulting contract with BAE hadn't even been voided; she still had access to their network. But the plan was to keep moving anyway, until they felt a little more comfortable about what Lena hoped, desperately, was an olive branch from their old team.

Tracer > Sorry, luv. D.va > ... D.va > ...I gotta think. D.va > You're not in ROK. You close? Tracer > Sorry, again, luv. D.va > meet me in Incheon? Tracer > ... Tracer > ...maybe. In a week. If things stay settled down. Tracer > Talking of, we gotta go. D.va > okay D.va > stay in tuch D.va > touch D.va > I wanna see you in person. I need to know you're you. I need to be sure. Incheon. Next week. You and Kestrel. Alone. Noooooooooooo spiders. Tracer > If we can. I'll check in... when I check in. D.va > k. let me know. Tracer > Bye

Lena dropped her way back through several anonymous VPNs and re-routers, and shut down the encrypted chat client. Incheon, she thought. Port city, easy to get to... it could work.

"Hey, Kes, Wids - y'want t'go out for Korean next week?"

Widowmaker looked across the table where she had just been shutting down her own communications array, reaching out to various specialised, no-questions-asked chemical synthesis specialists. "...you like Korean food?"

"I can take it or leave it, luv. But Hana Song sure does."

Kestrel looked over at her wife with a curious look. "...oh, really?"

Tracer shrugged at her wife. "Maybe."

"Brilliant. We could use some allies. And while you've been doing that - I've got your old contacts alerted that we're back in business, as freelancers. We'll need the money."

Widowmaker threw Kestrel a look of caution. "You aren't telling them about my particular skillset, I presume."

"Course not," she said, taking the blue woman's hand and squeezing it. "Not 'till you want in. Until then - well. I think of you as our ace in the hole."

The blue assassin wasn't entirely sure what to think of that, but she did think she found it satisfactory, and, possibly, just the tiniest bit pleasing.

"That," she said, with the hint of a spidery smile...

"...will do, for now."

-----

"Winston," said Athena, a chime ringing behind the word. "Relevant activity detected."

Winston looked up from his console, where he had been re-reading Lena's messages, wanting so much to reply, but holding off until they knew where Tracer and Kestrel might be headed. The locations of several Talon weapons caches had been welcome, and gave some hints, but could just as easily be bait, and they couldn't take the wrong kinds of chances.

"Thank you, Athena. Throw it down here?"

It wasn't much, and it wasn't personal - but it was familiar. Lena Oxton had listed herself as available again for private security contracting work, under her old company name. Same terms as before he'd initiated the Overwatch recall, but higher rates, and the added services of an experienced flying operative - battlesuit included.

He carefully checked over each version of the notice Athena had found. None mentioned sniper capabilities, and all carried the same sets of legality and indemnification conditions as before. She'd always played the game well above-board - and, at least in these listings, that had not changed.

I ... I pray this is real, he thought, allowing himself a hint of relief. If it is, they won't be in Talon uniforms the next time we see them. An image, a vision, flashed into his mind, of Lena Oxton, golden-eyed, blue-skinned, half-grin a sneer, leaning against her wife, Emily, silver-eyed, pale violet skin and purple and violet hair, tall, cold, and cruel.

He shuddered, and put it out of his mind - it won't happen - as he forwarded Athena's findings to the rest of Overwatch. We won't let it.

[ilygsd]

201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys