#as an nd human it is so fuckin nice to have had the same friends for over a decade

[snowtamale]

...

[thiswasinevitableid]

Treasure (Indruck)

Prompt for the 9th was: Knight Terrors

Knights are generally well-prepared, the way those in charge of the kingdom's wellbeing ought to be. Prepared for monsters bursting from the woods or dropping from the sky, prepared to protect citizens from harm, prepared to guide royalty through all manner of perils. 

What Duck Newton, knight of the realm of Kepler, was not prepared for was being carried off by a fucking dragon.

He didn’t even know there were dragons in this part of the world.

Worse the dragon doesn’t seem to know his haul contained an unwilling extra item, and so he’s dumped Duck into some sort of sorting room, rather than a central horde or other spot where he might be able to see the cave entrance and get out. 

Beacon is somewhere in this mess, but he’s coiled and so can't talk. It figures, the one time that obnoxious sword’s even more obnoxious voice would be helpful is the time Duck remembered to silence him. 

He’s never been do freaked out in his life. Fuck, he can’t even tell where the door is. 

That problem is resolved and immediately replaced with a much worse one when a stone panel swings open and a large, black-scaled dragon appears.

“Huh. I was half convinced there was something wrong with my foresight, But no, there is indeed a human in my storage room. How on earth did you even get here?” He takes in Ducks clothes, the insignia on his chest, his armor. Red eyes narrow, “did you follow me, oh brave knight, hoping to slay me in my sleep?”

“No, I was in the goddamn carriage when you just lifted the whole fuckin thing up and flew off.”

“And what were you doing in a carriage meant for treasure alone?” The dragon cocks his head. 

“Guardin’ it.”

“And what, exactly, were you to do to an attacker?” The dragon drops to all fours, thoroughly blocking the exit.

“Uhhhhhhh, um, to, uh, to not, fuck, to do not slayin? Fuck. Look,their directions weren’t real clear. They just told me I was headed for a royal guest.”

The glowing red eyes widen with understanding Duck does not share. “So that’s what they told you? A pity” The dragon steps closer, and Duck refuses to flinch when hot breath ruffles his hair, “I was hoping they had been truthful with mine.”

“With your what?” Duck looks down just as a black clawed hand is held out to him.

“I will explain in a moment. This is one of the colder parts of my lair, and I would rather have this discussion somewhere warm. Come.” He flattens his palm and Duck, energized by the thought of being somewhere with more escape routes or weapons, sits down in it. The dragon carries him out; it’s smaller than he assumed, maybe twenty feet at most from his head to the tip of his tail. But it’s terrifically strong, given that it picked up the carriage he was in as if it weighed no more than a sugar cube. 

“What is your name?” One eye regards him with a glint of...something. It looks pleased whenever it scans over his body. 

“Sir Duck Newton. It’s a nickname.”

“It is nice to meet you, Duck Newton. I am Indrid Cold.” His voice is remarkably lilting, not at all the deep rumble Duck expected.

“This is the parlor.” The dragon sets him down near an immense fireplace, embers glowing warmly nd reclines against a large pile of furs and pillows, “my room and horde is just through there. You may see it later, if you like, I am rather proud of it. 

“Uh, no thanks, I’ll need to be headin back to take my licks for losin the thing I was guardin.” His hope is that if he acts as if the dragon has no reason to keep him around, it will just let him go.

“Ah yes, about that.” He taps a  claw on the stone floor, “you see, this is terribly awkward. That carriage was meant for me. As were you. I knew you would be arriving soon, but not when, and I was preoccupied using my visions to watch for danger, and thus did not realize you were in it until after we returned.” 

“Why do you keep sayin that I’m yours, what do you need a human for? Oh fuck, am I fuckin dinner or something?” 

“Nono, nothing of the kind. In many ways you are the opposite. You see, it has long been a tradition for kingdoms along the Draco Mountain Range to send a knight to act as an assistant to each dragon. When there were more dragonborns and fewer standard dragons, there was another, ah component as well.”

“But you ain’t a dragonborn, so we don’t gotta worry about that second part?” He crosses his fingers in hope.

A sigh, “Technically I am dragonborn; long story painfully short, I was blamed for something I did not do and was cursed to remain like this for eternity. But no one outside of a few trusted friends knows that. So your kingdom assumed I could still take my more human form. Which means they chose you for the, ah, the second purpose as well as the first. You are meant to be my consort.”

It takes a moment for the words to sink in, and then Duck is standing, looking for something to put between himself and the dragon, “nope, nope, no fuckin way, this ain’t happen, this can’t be happenin.”

“Oh dear, you are frightened.” The dragon furrows his brow

“I’m fucking terrified! Who wouldn’t be?!”

Indrid starts to move towards him and then thinks better of it, “I promise, you have nothing to fear. Is it not clear that the arrangement means I will not eat or otherwise harm you?” Indrid blinks at him, seeming perplexed. 

“And the part where I’m supposed to be the start of some fuckin dragon harem or some shit is supposed to calm me down?” Duck’s voice echoes off the walls. 

“You did not let me finish my explanation. While that is the misconception your kingdom is under, I will under no circumstances expect you to fulfill it. Your duties here will be as if I was born this way, so you will primarily do small household tasks, assist with security, and aid me in things where having small hands is helpful.” Indrid is frustratingly calm, as if Duck is the one being ridiculous for being afraid of this whole situation and the implications of his initial explanation.

“Great, just fuckin great, so I’m your servant now.” Duck rubs his forehead, as if that might make this all stop.

“Nothing of the sort. You may do tasks, but I must do the same. We are sharing this home, so we must each participate in its maintenance. So no, you are not my servant. Although you are part of my horde.”

“I’m not a fuckin necklace or somethin you dipshit!”

“You are not an object, if that is what you fear, and I do not see you as one. I, ah, my horde is made up of that which I value or find pleasing. You can be both those things as a human. You are a treasure and I will treat you as one. I will bring you the finest silks, jewels, works of art, whatever your heart desires, for everything that is mine is now yours. Indeed, you may be that which I treasure most; just looking at you makes me happy, and I dearly wish to curl around you and keep you safe.”

Chills run along Duck’s skin, and he notices the embers have gone out, meaning the only light is the red glow of Indrid’s eyes, pinning Duck in place. Vibrations move cross the stone.

“Hold the fuck on, are you, uh, purrin from thinkin about takin care of me?”

Indrid blinks several times, shakes his head, “Yes, it seems I was. I, ah, I apologize for all I just said it, it sort of came up unbidden. I wonder if that is why they chose you, if someone knew that you would be the most appealing human I ever laid eyes on.”

Duck tries not to be flattered, tries to focus on figuring out what the fuck he’s supposed to do now, but it’s hard with the way Indrid is looking at him with affectionate curiosity.

“Look, Indrid, I don’t mean no offense, but this is all super fuckin weird and I just...I don’t fuckin understand why they sent me and not, I dunno, a princess? Ain’t that traditional?”

Indrid cocks his head, “Why would they send princesses? Most of them are trained to run the kingdom, and thus are rather important. Knights as far more expendable.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You asked me for their reasoning. I did not say that I agree. Did no one ever suggest you might be trained for a specific role?”

He freezes, thinking back on ll the times he was encouraged to pursue knighthood for the sake of a supposed destiny. Then so much anger hits him at once he has to sit down on the cold floor, even as the dragon nudges a human sized chair his way. 

“That’s why they were so fuckin determined to get me to accept my destiny. Fuck, they made it seem like I was trainin’ to do somethin great, to protect people, and all the while they knew they were just gonna ship me off without warnin! ‘Oh, sorry Duck, you don’t get to have a life of your own, we gotta train you up so you can go be a fuckin dragon toy!”

“That was rather uncalled for.”

“Well what the fuck else am I gonna call it? You talk about dressin me up, sleepin with me, you seem to think I ain’t no more than something you get to look at it.”

“I think no such thing” the narrow tip of his tail thrashes, “I am trying to be hospitable. I have not had a human visit me for more than a few hours before, forgive me for a few missteps. And I am not the one who misled you about your destiny, so kindly direct that anger elsewhere.” The last few words come out in a growl. 

Duck’s so pissed he growls right back

“Fine. I’m gonna walk my ass back to Kepler and give ‘em all a piece of my mind.” He spins on his heel, only for Indrid to zip in front of him. 

“No, do not do that. It is considered a literal declaration of war.”

“......are you fuckin kiddin me?”

“No. Now please move away from the door.” Indrid tries to scoot him backwards with his tail. Duck slaps the scales, causing Indrid to yelp.

“You only did that in one future.”

“I can move my own damn self. And I plan on movin it somewhere I can get some privacy.”

Indrid points down the center most tunnel, “The third door on the right is yours.”

“That feels like a trap.”

“It is a study. Equipped for humans, including a bedroom and washroom”

Well, that’s better than sleeping on top of a dragon. 

He turns without another word, and as the room disappears from view he hears the slow slide of scales on stone, heading the other direction.

----------------------------------------------

Indrid reaches his bedroom and proceeds to clonk his head into the door.

There was no way around that confrontation. The moment Duck Newton asked for an explanation, there was no future where he was not upset by what Indrid told him. Indrid does not blame him at all, and he’s quite angry with whoever in Kepler misled him for so long. 

None of that changes how excited he was when he was informed he’d soon be getting a human companion. He has visitors and friends of all kinds, but he’s lived alone ever since the disaster that led to his transformation. He was so looking forward to having someone to talk with, to get to know, to be gentle and kind to, something a dragon his size is not given many chances to do. 

There’s a much smaller horde in the corner, full of items he thought a human might enjoy. Dragonborns still hold the custom of giving those they wish to charm (in platonic or romantic ways) finery as a show of goodwill. His eyes keep drifting back to the red cloak woven with gold and the green shirt made to accentuate muscles. Duck would no doubt look remarkable in them. 

But the human wants to be alone, wants nothing to do with Indrid. If Indrid is to make him feel at home here, he must abide by that desire. He sighs, curling around his horde. The way forward may become clear after some rest. 

Later that night, he sets several items of clothing,the finest he can find that are still simple, as Duck seems to prefer that style, next to a plate of fish from the nearby stream. He charred them on the hearth so they’d be warm, though this resulted in one being burnt to a crisp. 

He ate that one as penance for frightening the human. 

The next morning the plate is clean but the clothes are there. Indrid leaves them be until mid-morning and then replaces the plate with a bowl of blackberries and more fish. Since there are books in the study, he leaves the human tools for embroidery, in case that is a hobby he prefers. 

This process repeats for the next three days, with Duck never taking anything besides the food. 

On the fourth morning, Indrid leaves one of his favorite items he collected for the human; a kit with seedlings and a stone that mimics the sun, allowing one to grow the plants even in the dark of the cave.

When he comes back that afternoon, the space in front of Duck’s door is empty. This both pleases him and gives him an idea. He knocks on the door, then steps back, opting after a moment to go on all fours so as not to tower too much over the human. 

“Yeah?” The drawl sounds tired more than hostile.

“I was wondering if you would like to see the gardens. You, ah, that is, I can lead you to them and then leave you be, you do not need to be around me if you do not wish to.”

The door creaks open, and Duck peers out.

“How can you garden in a cave?”

“Let me show you?” 

The walk is silent and awkward, but when they arrive Duck’s entire face lights up. Indrid preens a bit, answers the question he sees coming. 

“I believe when the mountains formed, something caused this area to not come together. Hence the lack of a cave roof.”

“Are all these yours?” Duck kneels down, radiant in the sunlight, examining a pumpkin plant.

“Indeed. I grow some for medicine and spell purposes, and some for food. Larger plants tend to work best for food, in that I can harvest them more easily. which is why there are many squash and melons. But, you will notice there are many unplanted patches. If you wish to garden, I can procure whatever you need.”

Duck grins, “Hell yeah. Wonder if I could get a tree or two to take. I’ll have to study the soil and the sun a bit before I know what I need.” 

“Take as long as you desire. You can find your way back?”

The human turns fully to him, glances down at the dirt, “You can, uh, stay if you want. Wouldn't mind the company.”

Indrid dips his head, and settles into his favorite sunny spot, body curving around the bushes. 

“Y’know, you’re a real different shape from what I expected.”

“My friend Barclay once said I looked as if I was a noodle that sprouted legs and wings.”

Duck giggles, “Yeah, that’s about right.”

Indrid flicks his wings, “I will have you know I am a very dignified noodle.” 

Duck laughs harder at his prim tone, then his face turns serious, “Indrid I, uh, I wanna apologize for how I acted. I know you don’t mean no harm. It was just a lot to take in, and then realizin everyone had been lyin to me, rather than lettin me make a real choice about my destiny.”

“I understand, and I do not hold it against you. I want this to be a welcoming home for you, Duck. I have no intention of keeping you from other things you love or have trained for. And I foresee us being rather good friends and, hmm, I suppose collaborators is the right word. If you need more space, I will give it, but I would also like the chance for us to get better acquainted.”

Duck picks up a handful of earth, rubbing it between his fingers, and when he smiles this time it’s meant for Indrid, “Think I’d like that too.”

------------------------------------------

“Damn, this is real soft.” Duck rubs the sleeve of the deep blue bathrobe.

“Oh good, it is yours.” 

“You sure, it was in your pile-”

“-as I have said, my horde is yours to use.” The dragon smiles, goes back to sorting paintings. A summer storm has ruined their plans to sit by the river, Indrid fishing or sunning himself while Duck swam or went for a walk. So they’ve opted to pare down Indrid’s horde, finding things Duck wants or can use as well as things the dragon no longer likes or needs, Duck using his knowledge of Kepler to figure out where in town could benefit from a sudden influx of precious metal. 

“How about this? Wait, damn, though it was suspenders.” Duck grapples with the leather and silver straps. Indrid trills a laugh, only for his cheeks to turn golden.

“That is meant to be worn over a bare torso.”

“Oh, uh, did you used to wear it?”

“Oh no, I do not like the texture, but I know some humans who wore it beneath their clothes. Orcs also wear them in the summertime. My second cousin married into an orc family.” He adds when Duck raises an eyebrow. 

“While I must admit the idea of you in it as intended is...intriguing” Indrid holds out a claw, at the end of which dangles a pair of suspenders. 

“Thanks, ‘Drid.”  It’s a double thanks. The suspenders are nice, but Duck appreciates the dragon trying to reign in his enthusiasm for Duck’s looks. It’s not that he doesn’t like feeling attractive, but the idea of a royal dragonborn stuck in his dragon form feeling that way about his squishy, farm-born body is too much. Just...too much. But Indrid has, on Duck’s request, scaled back the comments about his attractiveness and him being Indrid’s treasure. The more he's done so, the easier it’s been for Duck to accept his attempts to fuss over him. 

The dragon is true to his offer to give Duck whatever he desires; the finest oils for his baths, soft linens on the bed, any food he wants (that first week, he walked into the kitchen to find the dragon trying valiantly to make a human sized french onion soup). While he cannot breathe fire, he does all manner of spells to make Duck’s life easier, and last week he even took Duck on a low flight over the forest.

What Duck is enjoying even more are the evenings stargazing with his back against Indrid’s side, the way they trade information about their respective corners of the natural world. He enjoys not eating his meals alone. 

(He’s been dressing nicer for dinner lately, wasn’t even aware he was doing it two nights ago, when Indrid arrived with jeweled dust on his wings and Duck spent several minutes trying to work out why the dragon felt he had to dress up). 

There’s a wistful sigh, and he turns to find Indrid perched on a cushion (in truth, the dragon's nest is far more pillows, fabric, and cushions than it is gold or gems), holding a framed drawing in his hands. 

“I do so miss drawing. To do it in this form is such a rigmarole, I have not done more than  rudimentary sketch in a long time.”

“There ain’t a spell for it?” Duck climbs to where sitting puts him eye to eye with Indrid. 

“None that can replicate the feeling of being so consumed by creativity, the tactile sensations and the working and reworking until you have something you are proud of.” He looks at Duck, eyes, and voice far away, “so many things I would do, were my hands not immense and clawed.”

“Bet you’re real clever with ‘em.”

The double meaning only registers when the gold blush once again blooms on Indrid’s cheeks. 

“I, uh, I’m gonna run that one sack of stuff over to Aubrey and Dani. You want to wait on dinner until I get back?”

Indrid smiles, “Yes, I can wait.”

-------------------------------

 Fall comes early this high in the mountains, and with it comes the chill. Duck wakes up shivering, and none of the blankets are enough to chase the cold from his bones. Maybe Indrid has something he can use. 

He only means to be in the room an instant, but as soon as he enters warmth floods him. Indrid explained he ran warm, as all dragons do, but got cold easily. In the summer, the heat radiating from him disappeared beneath the warmth in the air. Now it’s noticeable in the cold cave. Noticeable and tempting. 

He offered once to curl around Duck as he slept, which--to his goosebumped skin--sounds like a good plan.

No, he’ll just find more blankets somewhere else. 

His heel knocks over something that clanks, and Indrid opens an eye.

“Duck? Is everything alright?”

“Uh, yeah, just got colder than I thought. I was, uh, was wonderin…”

Even in the near-darkness, Indird’s scales glint, and his eyes glow gently as he waits for Duck to finish. 

“...I was wondering if I could, uh, take you up on that offer to sleep next to you. I’m thinkin on top might be safest. I mean, uh, if that's still alright?”

Indrid holds out his hand, helping Duck onto his back and handing him a pillow and three blankets.

“Are you comfortable?” The dragon nestles back down into his bed.

“Yeah, this is real nice. Thanks, Drid.”

“You are welcome, Duck.”

Duck has kissed before, has fucked plenty, has lain in bed next to someone. Yet the rise and fall of Indrid beneath him, the steady sound of his heart when Duck lays his head down, the soft purr that leaves him when Duck rubs his cheek on his scales, are unfamiliar in their intimacy and thus twice as captivating. 

Which is why, when he awakens, their absence is instantly obvious. As is their replacement with a much smaller chest beneath his head. 

“Well, I must say this is a surprise”

It’s Indrid’s voice, and when Duck sits up, startled, it’s somehow unmistakably Indrid’s face staring up at him. The ruby eyes are the same, as is the smile and the color of his horns and the scales peeking out in patches on his skin. 

“My mother was only half dragonborn.” He says to the question Duck almost asks.

“Fuckin stunnin.” Duck breathes out. 

Indrid reaches up, cupping Duck’s cheek with a slender, slightly scaled but very human hand. 

“I fear it will not last. My foresight tells me I will revert to my dragon form in a few moments. But this is a singularly interesting development.”

“No kiddin. Guess we know there is way to get you back.”

“Agreed. Ah, before I revert, will you permit to do something?”

“Anythin.”

Indrid sits up, and places a gentle, cool kiss on Duck’s cheek.

“Oh yes” He sighs, resting their foreheads together as his body begins shimmering “just as lovely as I thought.”

And then Duck is once again atop a large dragon. 

“Whelp, no we really gotta break the curse.”

“Oh?”

“Because I wanna kiss you back, properly. And soon.”

[fandomfriendly]

I want to be all diary like rn

so like I could just make a note of whatever I’m bout to say but I want it like live forever and i know literally no one on this damn site cares about what i have to say so here I am lol..

I’ve been in this weird pit of overwhelming emotions accompanied by the incapability of processing them for the past few years. It took me so much time to even realize I had such a problem with allowing myself to be a regular fuckin human and initially when I first started seeing the signs of how mentally unhealthily I was living I didn’t know what the fuck to do and abruptly cut off pretty much everything and everyone I loved. I became a fucking hermit. I kept telling myself I was doing it for the better, that I cut everything off and am gonna take my time to heal and grow as a person and when I feel better i will try to rekindle with everything and whatever doesn’t work, just wasn’t meant to be. Which is a mentally unhealthy thing to do in the first place and potentially not only harmed myself but those around me but life’s a fuckin cycle of realizing shit so,,,

Anyways I went through some hella hard times filled with anxiety and depression, literally every day was either full of tears and feeling every emotion at once or was empty and ghost like. But I pushed through it. I learned a lot about my self and how my mind works. I grew as a person and still am. I’m not sharpest in a lot of ways but i know I just want to be a kind and accepting person, not that I wasn’t all those years ago, it’s just that back then I couldn’t present myself as such as I didn’t even have the fucking motivation to live. I mean I like to think I was kind in others eyes but I also fucking hate thinking about what others might think me so again,,, lol. I just know now that I’m trying to be a better person, and I’m trying to learn more and do more this year than I have in the past four years.

I’m writing this now because I’m in a really good state of mind. This month alone I’ve had conversations I never thought I would with people that are so close to me yet knew so little about. That sounds so cryptic lmao. Basically i spoke with my closest family members about struggles mentally and the past and how emotionally traumatizing it was for them and in turn I allowed myself to open up about the exact same thing. A specific convo was with my mom, a woman who has been through hell and back. She told me about past abuse, most of which I was there to witness and we have talked about before, but this time it was different because we spoke as equals. I’m gonna be honest I didn’t open up as much as I could have but it felt like I finally walked over a hill I was dreading for so long. I used to just be a good fake and slap a smile on in difficult time probably not fooling anyone. It’s always been a problem opening up to my family and friends but send me a stranger and I’ll talk their ear off.. well sorta, so like in high school i saw a grief counselor who i guess was technically my therapist but she was a total stranger and the second she asked what I even need to see her for, I broke down. I swear she said like two sentences but I rashly explained all the shit i was dealing with in between fits of tears. At the second meeting I felt like she knew my whole life but somehow I still had more to say?? I literally don’t know how I was so comfortable sharing all that with a stranger so fast like I get it’s her profession and I would’ve opened up eventually and that it could’ve clicked in the back of my mind like ‘why waste time just tell her everything now!’ But idk I think if I were to talk with a stranger that is willing to listen, I would legit do the same thing.. idk.

Anyways, opening up in the slightest bit feels like a major accomplishment. And the fact that i could with my mom who, god bless her, did so much that was seemingly unhealthy and careless to others but meant the world to me, felt amazing. There’s that thing about high school being the time of your life and living it up- a pre show of college which I wasn’t really expecting to be true in the first place but what I didn’t expect was to be emotionally unstable dealing with anxiety, depression, self hatred and grief. So when all this shit hit me like a truck, I was left feeling numb not wanting to do anything with little to no interest in any previous hobbies and likings. I grew up feeling said things^ but didn’t realize until hs how worse it got over time. In the midst of all of that I didn’t know what to do and was having frequent anxiety attacks and even though I couldn’t explain it at all, my mom had a sort of understanding and allowed me to stay home like every damn day. Like I said wasn’t the greatest thing to do but it helped in its own way. In the first years of hs my relationship with my mom was rocky but towards the end she screwed her head on and became more mama bird then ever. We bonded and it felt much better, almost like we rekindled after a long time. Which is kinda true.

Another thing I realized in the past four years was how normalized death was to me growing up. Like by the time I was eight I went through at least six funerals which to my Catholic Mexican/Filipino family meant six mortuary family reunions, six forty day prayers full of greeting mama and papas, being one of the only children to not be playing in the backyard but rather doing the rosary with the adults and what my fam called the ‘Filipino golden girls’ singing walk with thee. Not to mention the other annual prayers with said golden girls where we had a Jesus of Nazareth statue that traveled from the Philippines for a whole week and just prayed for mercy and the souls of our dearly deceased. Like this was the norm for me.. but ALL of that did not prepare me for the deaths of two of the most important people to me. I mean I guess it did because after one of the passings, after a ton of tears and goodbyes in a hospital room, I got in the car and on the way home and immediately thought about where the nice tablecloth was and the saint statues and how to move the table we used as an alter at the previous prayers. So yeah I was prepared but not for the emotions.

Back to why I’m writing this now, i just feel happy??? Idk why this past week was a rollercoaster but overall I felt happy,,,, idk. Imma elaborate..(holy shit I said I could talk the ear off a stranger and look at me spilling hella shit about me rn to the three strangers who’ll see this and scroll right past lmao.) So hmmm, there was a party hosted at my house recently and I was hella excited, I felt like I looked great and was ready to party but as all other times when there’s a gathering of any sort at my house, this weird overwhlelming feeling pops up and fucks everything up. It’s basically a fucking anxiety attack but soooo much weirder than the ones I dealt with in school. I mean they’re both basically the same but these ones felt worse. Because not being able to leave my room for school full of kids I barely knew and not being able to leave my room for a patio full of family and friends that I’m mostly close too should not result in the same form of anxiety. Idk tho it’s all in my sick brain!! but yeah that shit sucked I stayed in my room the whole night, hungry and sober which were two of the things I was absolutely not supposed to be!! There were tacos, &(oops) my fave tequila, good music and fun things planned but that didn’t stop my sick brain from telling me nO. And another thing in this glorious month is —Father’s Day. liSTEN I’m hella damaged nd am not trying to get into ALL of this but to keep it short, my dad who wasn’t in my life until I was one and only very briefly until I was thirteen which also turned out to be very briefly until I was eighteen which you guessed, was also very briefly, just isn’t a good dad. i have a half sibling who I feel so bad for because her parents are literal idiots that just shouldn’t have had kids because they can barely take care of themselves. But the very brief moment when I was eighteen was because of said halfsibling that I was worried for but as of now that family is it’s own and I’m nowhere near it nor do I want to be. But really I wasn’t struggling with my own dad issues this time around but rather my grandpa. It’s just that i know Father’s Day is hard for him because he lost my grandma who gave him his babygirl, my momma. And I didn’t push any emotional induced conversation at all. But as we ate dinner the conversation was about how well he used to get paid as a server waaaay back when and that he’d have stacks in his pocket lmao we were like yeh okay as a waiter all right,, and he sorta slipped up and said, “No really! Ask Mama!” And I’m pretty sure only me and my brother in law heard because he moved on really quickly and there were side convos happening but like a wave of emotions came over me. I teared up the second I heard him say her name because it just reminded me more about how hard this day must be for him. And my throat is swelling up jus typing about it rn so I’m not gonna get eVEN more into it.

But yeah overall June has been okay. I have felt okay. And after months of not going on here I just thought “why not type about this?? This content feelin is all I crave and have been longing for and whenever I get it, in even the slightest, it should be appreciated and remembered.”

Whoop so like what’s some good things that happened in the last few months. Hmmm

Well I’m just finally acting, in the tiniest way ever, as an adult. I didn’t take grip of my life yet but like I took A STEP!!

I’ve got new things I like and am more open than ever to new things.

I’ve got hobbies!! I’m growing mint and wanna start and herb garden. I’m reading and learning a new language that I’ll probably never use but I’m learning it for fun and not for a grade or something and am taking my time with it. And a new language brings so much more!! More people, music, shows and writing!! I mean I’m at a hella basic level but all of those things are helping me.

I’ve thought about reigniting old flames lmao that sounds like getting intouch with old lovers but no. I mean creatively. In the past three years I barely even thought about drawing and in the past few months I found myself thinking about things I could draw up and cool ways to mix medias. I actually looked for my sketchbook and was gonna test it out but I saw some of my old work and got nostalgic and was almost putting myself in my shoes from that year and like that didn’t sit well so I haven’t tried. bUT at least I’m thinking about it again. I really think imma start again soon and just the thought of that makes me happy!!

I took up writing and the result is exactly what I thought,,, I suck at writing lmao but I tried and it was fun and it led me to find some writers online that made me cry over some fictional characters. some were fan fiction and??? A writer no less.. which really doesn’t need to be explained more especially on this site lol

I’m getting healthier. Not that I was suuuuper bad before but it was good either. I did have some horrible eating and sleep habits. I swear I was addicted to food like I ate to fill a void in me idk but l changed that shit real quick. And as for sleep,, well it’s still shit. Considering I started typing this at nearly six am nowhere near tired. Lately I’ve been falling asleep around 6:30am which indeed results in my waking up at noon or past it even but it’ll surely go back to the usual 2:30 to 10:30am schedule. Not too bad...

I’m dressing up again! I don’t go anywhere but catch me looking cute in a fit at home or 7-11. lol I used to be hella into getting dolled up for school and used to play around with hair cuts and colors and different makeup but then suddenly it was like mAYbe I’ll do my eyebrows today and rather than choosing good outfits I would wake up and change from my actual pjs to my outside pjs, loungewear, if you will.

Idk man i just am okay right now and that’s enough to keep me going. I haven’t had a really low point for a few months now and like I said I don’t get this content feeling very often so I’m just really soaking it all up. It’s good, I’m good.. 2018 is fucking flying and I didn’t think I’d get into new things this year but I did and I’m exited for more!!