#as proven by 1. my mother 2. my significant other 3. tumblr

[slavicafire]

actually in all honesty I don't get recommending 1670 to people who are strangers to polish culture and don't speak polish. what's the point of watching something that has to be explained in great detail to be understood or funny - or otherwise would have to be localised to shit to be even comprehensible, thus losing most of its sense and appeal. what for. what for

[habibialkaysani]

okay so. a lot has been going on lately and I haven't had much time to be on here or time in general. now that the week is over tho things are starting to die down hopefully. and like I do with work emails I'm gonna just write a list, of all the things that have been going on, because I feel like my brain is about to explode otherwise.

lots of rambling, potentially triggering stuff under the cut:

1) pain. so much pain. I thought I'd moved past this endo thing, or at least that the pain was contained because of the meds the gyno gave me plus the progesterone that was definitely easing the pain for a bit during the month. but the ones my gyno gave me, they can only be taken during my period and mine isn't starting. so I've been in agony, like in so much pain, and the only relief has been a hot water bottle and codeine. and I don't want to take more days off when I've already taken sick days this year - which is not like me, at all. but potentially that might not be an issue for a while if I end up having to work from home. and in terms of addressing the root cause of the problem, that's unlikely, because the mri I had of my pelvis came back normal. no indications of endometriosis which I expected because this shit doesn't show on ultrasounds or mris. I do think there might be a chance it shows on a transvaginal ultrasound but they outright refuse to do that which really fucking pisses me off bc it's on the basis of me never being laid before which as I've mentioned is ridiculous.

2) speaking of. this motherfucking coronavirus is doing my head in. seriously i had to order hand sanitiser for the office and it still hasn't arrived. I did manage to get a few masks but god those were expensive. and just generally it's all anyone will talk about at work which is driving me nuts. and what makes it worse is that I'm going out of my mind thinking about speedy and if she gets it, because she's got a heart condition and her immune system isn't very strong even for regular flu. this shit will hit her hard and I'm terrified of that esp after hearing boris fucking johnson saying in his speech that people are going to lose loved ones. I don't know what I'll do if I lose her. actually I have an idea and it would not be good. I spoke to my brother who is a healthcare professional and he said that it's best to get in touch with the cardiology team that look after speedy to see if we can do anything preventative or get her tested.

3) in better news, my brother just announced to our family that he's getting married. already its causing arguments and his fiancee comes from a more well off family (the bar is low tho admittedly) so we're all gonna be scrambling to get our tiny house somewhat in shape for when my bro's future in laws visit in a couple weeks. but it's still good news I think because my bro is smitten and that's just nice to see. his fiancee makes him happy and that's something I'm really glad he found. they want a small wedding too so hopefully we'll have like 200 guests max, which would be sacrilege in any desi household lol.

4) I've been looking for a new job for a while now. things at work have been tough, ever since my old manager gave in her notice. I don't mind my current manager all that much, but she's in hr, and she's clearly never managed anyone before because she is nowhere near as good a support system as my old manager. I could go to my old manager and complain about something and she'd listen, and she actively made an effort to monitor my workload. this new one, she just doesn't put the same effort in and she also just doesn't understand the role I'm in either. she seems to think the job I do is easy and straightforward when it is neither, on the basis that she thinks admin is something anyone could do, and she does nothing to try and ease things when my workload gets heavy. plus my managers manager who is also in hr is just really not nice. she enjoys a power trip way too much. that and the fat cats that are our clients - well suffice it to say I think my time here is up. so I've been looking and I found a nonprofit that was hiring. I did my first interview with them and it went surprisingly well. and now I've got my second one next friday. I really hope that goes well too and that I get the job, just so I can see the look on my managers managers face when I give in my notice 😂 and this new job if I get it would be five fewer hours and I think that could do wonders for my wellbeing. and my sanity.

5) writing. I've done none of it. it's a problem. I don't know what to do to make my mojo come back because I write the best when I'm alone, and I'm never on my own nowadays unless I'm in bed in pain, in which case writing is the last thing I feel like doing. but I also really want to write. so badly. I feel like I'm emotionally more stable when I'm writing. I'm happier. and I just do not have that right now which is not fun.

6) reading - now this is something I have done. my dear friend reen recommended a series of books called reluctant royals, by alyssa cole, and omg. they are so good. I powered through three big novels and two novellas. like I devoured them. and I'm being reminded of how much I love books. good ones. they made me laugh a lot and I'm really glad my friend recommended them.

7) speaking of devouring. a few weeks ago I found on several occasions that people were offering their seats to me on public transport, presumably because they thought I was pregnant. it was this combined with my doctor admitting my bmi wasn't normal (tho only when I asked if this might be causing the pain) that made me realise that I needed to lose weight drastically, and to eat better and walk more. so I've been eating more veggies and salad. trying to put more greens on my plate. not have fast food as often. in all honesty I'm not sure how much of a difference its actually made, but I do know that I feel a little better having done so over the last few weeks. my brother also said I looked like I had lost weight. I've also noticed it a little in my tummy going in a bit too. but I also know that this is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down too far. I worry I might have already with the weighing which I've been doing far too often now that there's scales at work (for weighing big packages). I don't want this to spiral out of control. but I think I've done okay so far, minus the weighing thing - I've always eaten when I've felt hungry so it's not like I'm starving myself. and so far I've only lost about 3kg. which I feel is significant but also nowhere near enough when it comes to the nhs bmi calculator.

8) my little brother has been acting up for months now, and tbh it's starting to give me anxiety. my mother found weed in his room and he's just been rebelling in what I see as normal teenage ways like smoking and staying out late, but it's also affecting his school and I'm worried he won't leave with decent a levels bc he already failed once. and his school keeps emailing my dad about him supposedly being absent, and my dad's response to this for about two months now has been to post a screenshot of each email into the family group chat and demand where my bro has been. it doesn't help. and I don't need to be notified every time he skips school or whatever like that is not my fucking problem to have to see when I'm at work and have enough stresses as it is. my dad is an idiot and honestly some days I would dearly love to punch the man in the face.

9) I start my group therapy in a couple weeks. it’s for generalised anxiety and I am really, really hoping it will help me because the other group therapy I’ve done previously, like a couple months back, has proven to be really helpful. here’s hoping.

10) if anyone is still reading this far - I realise this sounds a lot like I'm feeling sorry for myself. maybe I am to some degree. but my life is just a lot right now and I'm genuinely a bit shocked I'm still in one piece and that I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet. everything is a lot and I feel like I'm going through a lot of change. that's hard. but I'm trying my best to get through this and I hope somehow I can. I actually left tumblr for a bit because for various reasons I didn’t feel as safe talking about my problems on here, through no fault but my own really. I’m hoping I’ve moved past that now.

[timptanner]

1-85 :))

I GOT ALL THE WAY TO 75 ON MY PHONE AND THEN TUMBLR CRASHED....TWICE

So here we go again

1. Are looks important in a relationship?No one will admit it but everyone thinks looks are important. Looks aren’t nearly the most important, but if you’re not attracted to your significant other, most of the time it doesn’t work2. Are relationships ever worth it?Always worth it. Success or failure, its worth it.3. Are you a virgin?Nope lmao4. Are you in a relationship?Not anymore5. Are you in love?I’d like to say not, but. 6. Are you single this year?This question is worded so horribly. I am single, but was dating someone about a month or so ago7. Can you commit to one person?Yes8. Describe your crushYour guess is as good as mine9. Describe your perfect mateSomeone who is as sarcastic as me, has a good taste in music, and has one hell of a smile10. Do you believe in love at first sight?Unfortunately I do11. Do you ever want to get married?One day12. Do you forgive betrayal?Depends on the betrayal13. Do you get jealous easily?Surprisingly enough I do14. Do you have a crush on anyone?I’d like to say no but that’d be a lie15. Do you have any piercings?Nope16. Do you have any tattoos?Never will17. Do you like kissing in public?Nothing over the top20. Do you shower every day?Yes21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?If they do, I’d be just as surprised as anyone else22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?Probably not tbh23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?Yes24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?Probably not25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?I do26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?Lol yes I have.27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?Actually yes28. Have you ever been cheated on?Nothing proven29. Have you ever cheated on someone?A long time ago.30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?I have not and will not31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?I have32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?idk probably33. Have you ever had sex with a man?Nope34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?Yes35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?Two36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?Yes.37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?Not counting Olivia, my friends have hated each and every one of my girlfriends38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?I have39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?Yes.40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?Not that I remember41. Have you had sex so far this year?Nope42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?Depends43. How long was your longest relationship?Continuous? Prolly something like 2 years44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?545. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?I can’t remember46. How many times did you have sex last year?I didn’t count47. How old are you?1948. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?Tell me something I don’t know49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?Next question50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?Take the presents, slam the door51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?Two.52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?A few. Because fuck them that’s why.53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?Not dating anyone. I’m mad at me for talking to someone54. Is there someone you will never forget?Probably. Ask me in 20-40 years55. Share a relationship story.My mother messaged my girlfriend and referred to her as “future daughter-in-law”...and we had only been dating for two weeksMy first girlfriend broke up with me after I moved...via valentines day card (it was dated 2/14)Girlfriend and I nearly got caught by a cop56. State 8 facts about your bodyI’ve gained 20lbs this yearMy right eye gets worse every yearIm pale afI’m in the worst shape of my lifeDid I mention I’m pale?My eyes used to be hazel, now they’re brown. I’ve lived at the beach for a few years how am I this pale57. Things you want to say to an exTo one- Why can’t I get you out of my head. Fuck. Thanks for not making it any worse for me. To another- Do you really think we can do it?58. What are five ways to win your heart?Good foodSarcasmGood musicCUDDLE ME DAMMIT plsSeriously just care about me and we’ll be fine59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)Pass60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?Less than a year I think61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?It’s going to sound cheesy and stupid but someones smile. 62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?For me? Care about meTo me? You’ll have to be that person to find out63. What is your definition of “having sex”?Oh come on, really?64. What is your definition of cheating?If you have to hide it from your SO, it’s cheating65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?Oh come on66. What is your favourite roleplay?LOL you can’t be serious. I didn’t read this far in the questions67. What is your idea of the perfect date?Just being together68. What is your sexual orientation?Straight69. What turns you off?There’s a post deep in the archives. If you care you’ll find it70. What turns you on?See above71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?72. What words do you like to hear during sex?73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?Care for me74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?Smile75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?Honestly? They let me hang out when I was having one of the worst days of my life. Watched a movie. Made food. Took my mind off of everything. 76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?I don’t know77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?Too much is too much. But you do you I guess78. What’s your dirtiest secret?You’ll never know79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?I don’t know. Pretty recently probably80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?A month ago.81. Who are five people you find attractive?OliviaJenniferAlona TalLara Gilchristshort brunettes82. Who is the last person you hugged?Chris while I was drunk83. Who was your first kiss with?Kaitlyn84. Why did your last relationship fail?Distance + rough time. 85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?Have already, probably won’t again