#ash is her biological son and literally no one will deny that because they look like a fam

[iceywrites]

Happy mother's day to Jessica Randy

[thehabilableheart]

An open letter to my ex.

03|10|2019 // I genuinely don't think I've ever closed any doors or burned any bridges with anyone.. family, friends, or exes.. who have done me wrong. Tonight, I did, by choice, burn a very toxic bridge.. and I didn't even allow myself to stand and watch the flames burn out, or the wind carry away the ashes. I turned, held up my chin, and walked away. I've never allowed myself to kill relationships out of fear I may be losing something potentially important... But I learned that the only importance a burned or burning bridge holds, is a lesson. Allowing it to fester can cause so much angst… Thank you for being my lesson, sweetheart.  I won't ever allow you or your toxic "love" into my life again. Not yours or anyone else’s. I will always think of what’s best for me and my end goal.

An open letter to my ex who isn’t just an ex, but the one I considered my best friend, too. Usually, I wouldn’t write out the things running through my head about you publicly. I’d send them directly to you. But what good does that do? None. Further, the point of these posts is for people to see me, raw and open. They want to see everything I’m going through. This time, this entry will be a little different than my norm in multiple ways. A more…. Snarky type text, if you will. A bit of a “fuck you” of sorts to a someone I thought would always be my someone. He’s never going to read it though. He doesn’t care enough.

See sweetheart, I love your bravery. No matter what situation you catch yourself in, you always maneuver swiftly and come out of it. Even the ones that could easily ruin you. I admire your strength to keep pushing. No matter what it is in your way. You have an extreme, dark, in depth, intellectual mind. I love the way your brain works. I’ve always been a little envious of your smarts. We both know I lack a bit in that region.. You fully took advantage of that. My lack of logic, some would say. Maybe a lack of common sense. It’s funny. You’re so determined to be someone.. But you’re too caught up in having multiple someones around you, that you’ve become multiple someones, too! You put in so much work everywhere you go, in all that you do, all without breaking face. Even if the majority of the work you’re doing is put into your acting. You’re really good at that. Acting, I mean. You’re so handsome. SO handsome. When you’re focused but also excited about the work you’ve put into new adult (I’m talking guns here!) toys, or those dumb new video games, you’re such a fun energy. OH. Let’s not forget your strong focus on telling stories straight, though. That one is SUPER important. Kind of admirable as well. You make everything you do in life seem so… easy. Just like I did, right? Made things easy? Or was that all 4 of us? (Are there more than 4 over the last 15 years? Hm.) Not much affects you. If it does, well.. we’ve talked about how great of an actor you are. You’re great at pretending.. at being something else. You’re usually day, but I preferred when you were night. Usually you’d get drunk and control fuck me (Can’t say I don’t miss that..Haha. Cuz I do). When was our last time? January 4th was the last night I remember. Then I got completely wasted a week later, almost broke your tv, and woke up without my pants on, with no recollection of how I got to your bed..

You have an authenticity problem.. you have “fraud” written all over your face. You really could just be honest. With me, and her, the second her, and the one between me and the second. Maybe then we all could have trusted you with more than just a decent (sometimes half ass) fuck. You were a good enough distraction. For a while. I’ll give you that. But theres always better. You could have been worth more than just being temporary medicine, though. Sadly, I’ve come to realize that’s really all you were. But you aren’t potent enough. I don’t crave you. I’m not having withdrawals the way I did from A (the one you’re scared I’ll choose over you! [at this point, he’s a MUCH better option]…) when he left me broken before an 8 month deployment. I don’t miss you. I don’t have the urge to wait 8 months for you to come back to me. I’m pretty sure tonight I made the possibility of that extremely non-existent, anyway, am I right? Ha! I wouldn’t come back to me after finding out everything you’re going to find out when you wake up today. 

All of “us” was just a way to ease your tensions, your stresses from all the work you put into pretending you’re someone you’re not, right? It’s been a nice distraction I’m sure. Or maybe, it was your way of focusing on something other than the fact that you’re having to hide and clean your own dirty fucking laundry in plain site, right? So none of us will notice it? You abuse the things that distract from your pain. We’re YOUR medicine. YOU’RE the addicted one. Not us. All of us are capable of walking away. It’s not just us, either. Even your “friends”. Is that too harsh? A little bit painful? Do you even FEEL pain? Maybe you’re like me in the sense that you enjoy being hurt. You enjoy that overwhelming rush because at least you’re feeling something, right?… Silly idea, I think. You’re just extremely fucked in the head. You’ve made me feel fucked in the head too. I’m sure you have your own life experiences to blame. But you don’t get to fuck with other peoples lives because your life is a living nightmare. 

I saw it in your eyes… when you told me we were done because you decided you wanted to be alone and get yourself together, yet now I’m sure you’re fucking every girl in town again (your instagram numbers have gone up again - I already checked out all the sluts)… I saw that you were happy I was leaving. I saw the relief. Even in that last hug getting me and my pup into my car (that you used for months because your second had yours), that was broken down on the street in front of your house for weeks, I saw the excitement. I saw that you were genuinely relieved to be free again. That you were free, truthfully for the first time. Because in 15 years, you’ve never been free. But that didn’t stop you from doing whatever you wanted to. Let’s face it - we’re both the same in the sense that we always have a back up, “so to speak”. (You love that phrase - it still fucking annoys me) We don’t like to be alone. If we aren’t taken by someone, if we aren’t in a solid relationship… we’re sleeping with someone to fill that void.. Not even a void. We both just need that distraction. I’m sure too, that the moment I left.. the moment I drove down that drive…smiles crossed all three of your single, drunk, pathetic faces, “the single brothers are back!”  was shouted, and the shots kept pouring, right? The music got loud again. The feeling of not having a single care in the world returned. Did the cocaine too? Or are we not back there yet? Maybe we’ll wait for summer! Everyone close to us knows how much you enjoy a bit of snow on a bright, sunny day.

You’re a father, you know? To a little girl. One day she’ll be a woman. One day your daughter is going to be her mother. Your second. The middle between the second and me. And me. Have you thought of that? Have you taken a good long look at yourself and evaluated the way you’ve treated any of us? Have you asked “would I be happy if my daughter was with someone like me? A BOY?” Any good parent would say no. Any involved, loving parent would say “FUCK no. Not now, not ever.” But you’re not an involved parent. You’re hardly a loving parent. Visiting twice a year, literally saying you don’t even want to go back home, but you do for her, then you sleep in while she plays with the iPad.. rarely calling her, and when you do, only briefly talking and barely listening to what she has to say.. You can’t deny it. I’ve been in the room with you while you played with your guns and told her you were going to bed around 9:30, just to hang up and turn around to play video games until 2AM. But you’re so full of the lie that is you pretending you’re stronger than you are. You’re so full of the lie that is you pretending you’ve got yourself all pieced together. Pretending you have a plan. Pretending you’re the most amazing human being, man, and father out there. But really. Take a look at yourself. Sit down, evaluate, then ask yourself, “Am I the person I want my daughter to marry?” If you can honestly look at yourself and say yes, I hope she’s smarter than you.

You know that’s why I left them, right? The last two that you listened to and watched me cry over because, you know, you were my best friend? My only “REAL” friend. My 3AM phone calls. The only one who would pick up. The only one who would listen when I didn’t know what to do. And for what? Why’d you do that to me? So you could play with me like a pawn on a game board?! PSH. Fuck you. But anyway, I’m sorry, I’ve gotten a little bit selfishly side tracked. That’s all besides the point of this paragraph. Let me get back to it. The two previous boys I was with. You know who I’m talking about! The one you’re scared I’ll run back to, instead of you, when he’s free again, and the one you convinced me was right to leave? Leaving them was a choice I knew was best to make because I knew I never wanted my daughter to watch me be miserable in my relationships, and I didn’t want her to think it was alright to end up with boys like them. And I most definitely don’t ever want my son raised by a BOY like ALL THREE of you. Your daughter, she deserves a man. He may not be biological. But she has a man in her life. A genuinely good father figure. How sad it isn’t you. Then again, what do I know? My children’s step mother has been a better mother than me here the last two years. At least I’m thankful for her. I let her know that too. I thank her for loving my children as if they are her own. I thank her for being patient, kind, and respectful. I give her credit where it’s due. But again, I’m getting side tracked.

If I remember correctly, she was an accident, right? You didn’t even know for sure if she was yours or not? OH OH! OH! And please, don’t worry yourself at all! You know how social I am. I “don’t know a stranger”. Her mother? I adore her. Such a sweet, respectful, kind, strong, smart fucking woman. (Hopefully the littles come out like her!) But I was under the impression that she was so horrible, sweetheart. But it’s a fucking trend. Her, your second, and the girl between me and #2. All “terrible” women. So what does that say about me? What is your “the truth about my last”? I’ve already spoken to 2 of the 3. It’s easy for all of us to sort out what’s real and what’s fake. I’ll be sure your first gets word on her place in your mind. Or at least her place in the words that come out of your mouth behind her back, since everyone knows you don’t say what you think 1, and 2, you don’t ever tell the truth. I’m finally seeing why men don’t want us to meet their exes. They don’t want us to find out all the fucked up shit they do.

It’s sad that you’re so insecure with the person you are (we know, you’ll never admit it) that you have to make everyone around you look awful. Then when people meet (talk to) them… they’re the exact opposite of everything you’ve said.. Everything you say they’ve done.. YOU DONE DID IT. Not them. You’re making yourself look so bad, sweetheart. Your daughters step-father - the one you’ve undeservingly spoken so low about, while being a low piece of shit your damn self - is loving and raising YOUR child. He’s being a father. Sending child support, and once or twice a month calls, isn’t being a father. I obviously don’t know the guy personally, but I’d recommend thanking him for standing in. I assume very strongly, since your daughter is happy, and according to you - misses her mom, step-dad and sister while she’s with you and says she wants to go back.. I’d say he’s doing great job showing her what a man is supposed to be… all while you’re slummin’ it in your frat fuck house, drinking, and fucking your way into some made up world of what you think reality fucking is.

I pray our girls, and their half sisters, grow to know the difference between a boy and a man. I hope yours shows you a soft heart and gives you the benefit of the doubt, and encourages you to continue to grow, but takes caution not to get too close, or trusting of you. I hope all of our girls know better than to fully open up to a boy.. so they don’t get treated like a disposable item and end up hurt. Our girls are smart, though. Very smart for their current ages. I know when they look at you or a boy just like you, 13 years from now when they’re old enough to start dating…. They’ll lose hope in you just like the 4 of us women (4 that I know of, anyway) have. I truly pray that the constant men in their lives show them what a real man looks like, and teach them to avoid scum… like you, and A & J. Remember how you hated being categorized with people like that in my life? Don’t act like them, you won’t get compared to them.

I genuinely don't think I've ever closed any doors or burned any bridges with anyone.. family, friends, or exes.. who have done me wrong. Tonight, I did, by choice, burn a very toxic bridge.. and I didn't even allow myself to stand and watch the flames burn out, or the wind carry away the ashes. I turned, held up my chin, and walked away. No looking back. No pain. No tears. I burned our bridge for a reason. This is a fresh, new beginning for me. Thank you for telling me I needed to move home. Best idea you’ve ever had. Best thing I’ve ever followed through with. 

Please don’t ever interrupt my life again.

I don’t believe in rebuilding my past anymore. Our foundation is complete garbage now. I’m building my own foundation for ME and MY kids. I hope one day you learn to move forward, and not look back. I hope you stop using your past as an excuse for your actions and for your failures. I whole heartedly, truly hope that one day, you grow up to be a really great, happy man. I hope you have no regrets and begin to progress in everything you do. Good luck, Buddha. I’m sure you’ll need all the luck anyone can give you. You got what you wanted, what you asked for. You’re all alone now.

Oh, and you’re welcome. I helped you weed out the trash.