#asparagus is trying really hard - tumble just lives there

[the-cat-at-the-theatre-door]

Rumpleteazer was in gargantuan, absolutely no good trouble, as per usual, but - also as per usual - she had a plan to get out of it. Or half of a plan, anyway.

It was simple, really - all she had to do was catch Skimbleshanks before he had a chance to hear the business from anyone else, and she'd be able to use her incredible powers of obfuscation and persuasion to convince him that it wasn't her fault, and she'd been home the entire time, and that they actually had the wrong cat entirely, funny enough, and…and…

If she hurried, she would definitely maybe manage to at least avoid a complete, catastrophic meltdown. Word travelled so quickly on this side of town that it wasn’t uncommon for her to find her father already tapping his heel and waiting for an explanation before she even had a chance to slip through the cat door. Rumpleteazer found herself begrudgingly amazed at how often he could just tell something had gone awry before she'd even had a chance to process it. Alas, those sorts of powers of deduction were - frankly, if you asked her - wasted on such tightly wound a clock as her father.

Skimbleshanks’ little nook wasn’t too far from where Rumpleteazer was, and the streets were clearing out for the evening, so there wasn’t a lot of foot traffic and the paths were open - no suspicion or interruption of a cute little cat making her big old dangerous way in the dark. Plus, she knew at least three shortcuts thanks to Mungojerrie; all she had to do was run as fast as kittycat possible and she’d make perfect time, and perhaps avoid that snap of the overwound spring she was bound to run into if she was a second too late. 

Mungojerrie himself had already bolted to his mothers before the you-know-what had even hit the fan, looking as though the blood had collectively drained from his body all at once. And, really, she couldn’t blame him for that. Skimbleshanks may have had a few too many cows for a cat his size, but he could occasionally (occasionally) be reasonable if she really pushed for it.  Jennyanydots was fit to have the entire barn when she found out; maybe the coop alongside it if Jerrie didn’t get to her first to cushion the blow. Best to smooth that out as soon as possible; that in mind, she wasn't too sore that she'd been left a few extra moments in the hole of their own making, a hair shy from the flood light's accusing glow. Gave her time to think.

A couple extra seconds could really be worth the world in their line of...work.

Speaking of getting to something first, she had made it just around the last corner to her destination. Rumpleteazer clucked, pleased with the realization. When she'd been a much younger kitten, the distance to her father had always seemed like such an insurmountable thing (even moreso when he was gone, leaving her with whomever was available to look after her). Her first independent walks back and forth had stretched on what seemed like forever, Teazer looping her tail in a plea for the sunset to stretch on just a few minutes longer - to ward off the darkness for just one more corner - just so she could see the street until she found her way home again (she wasn't afraid of the dark, no sir). It never worked, unfortunately for her, but she kept stubbornly on - just as was in her blood. And, no matter how long it was, that stubbornness always ended with the same figure of a tom waiting for her (and how he'd always managed to be there around his schedule was no short of a wonder), outlined in golden light, ushering her inside. "That's my girl," he'd murmur, proud and warm. "Well done."

The traitorous little voice inside of her wondered when the last time he'd said that to her was.

As she'd gotten a bit older, the physical distance shrunk exponentially (because she'd grown bigger, duh), but she'd noticed that the abstract distance between the two of them seemed to be steadily growing in its place. Funny, since she'd once thought her da would likely never stop his constant hovering over her shoulder to ensure her safety, or fretting over where she'd head off to and who'd she be heading off with, or ticking through that never-ending laundry list of questions he carried around with him at all times. If he had his way, Rumpleteazer was half convinced he would be having her fill out timesheets and incident reports; or at least still carrying her around by the scruff of her neck so she wouldn't wander too far from him.

Maybe the distance was a teeny bit her fault - but when she'd snapped at him to leave her alone, that she was too big now for coddling, she hadn't really expected him to actually…leave her alone.

Though, she supposed, Skimbleshanks was nothing if not a cat of his word. Perhaps she should have seen it coming.

But now was not the time for melancholy paw wringing and "woe is me"ing - that was for later, when her tail wasn't on the chopping block.

Quickly, she adjusted her collar and tore the pearls from her neck (those'd prompt too many "My, my, where ever did you find those?"s that she did not have time for), stashing them beneath the decorative station bushes with a mournful promise to return to them later, should they not catch the eye of a sticky feathered bird. She licked her paws and smoothed her fur and whiskers as best she could without a reflection, sighing hard so her voice wouldn't sound like she'd been running several blocks. A couple of false starts later, and her shoulders were properly squared and her rehearsed excuse (and a backup) sat just on the tip of her tongue. All the more picture of a proper queen was she. Presentation was half the battle, Mungojerrie would say, and her da did appreciate propriety. 

With a final deep breath, she slipped through the hidden entrance, mouth already half open with her explanation -

"Dad!" the familiar voice of Tumblebrutus suddenly whined (that one was always whining, it seemed), freezing Rumpleteazer in her tracks. 

For Cat's sake; she'd neglected to consider the other half of her family's presence in her grand master plan. Whole new audience meant the previous strategy and backups was effectively useless. Some mastermind she was. Didn't even account for the possibility it'd be the other one.

It’s not like she spent most of her time around Skimbleshanks’ cubby anymore anyway; she was a big queen with her own places to go most evenings and her very own pet's house - there wasn't much need. And in her defense to the court, it was a relatively new development. The two of them being around these parts all the time, anyway.

Asparagus had been around them since before she could even remember, just on the blurry outskirts of her vision. From everything she could recollect, he'd always been nice to her, and shown her new things, even when she made the little vein at his temple pulse and "wore his nerves to the threads"; and, perhaps more important than that, he'd seemed to make her father happy, which was good enough for her to justify his presence. If she thought hard enough, Rumpleteazer very vaguely recalled sitting up on his back, waving eagerly at the trains coming in, being held very gingerly by the scruff of her neck so she wouldn't fall. That's da! she'd insist at every one, to which he would pointedly remind her about reading her numbers.

She would demand everyone who watched her to take her down to that station in the morning, come to think of it, at least until she decidedly grew out of it. But it seemed most often it would be him and her on that stoop, waiting, Asparagus glaring rather pointedly at the gaggle of humans that were always there as well should they circle too close to her vicinity and plucking her neatly from tumbling down the storm drain. It was consistently enough that she remembered it, anyway.

The gremlin, however, was new and not as welcome. He came along with the package later down the line, like a stubborn security tag on a pair of dangly earrings (and Teazer did so love her dangly earrings). She very easily could have gone the rest of her life without that one.

She scrambled quietly back against the wall.

Asparagus was lounging nearest the back corner to the right, with said little gremlin stretched between his forepaws, begrudgingly submitting to his father's ministrations. If she stayed just under the shadow of the overhang, they likely wouldn't be able to see her from this angle. She thought, anyway.

"I'm too old for a bath," she heard her brother mutter as he continued to squirm, sending his little shadow dancing against the wall.

"Last time I checked, you don't grow out of baths," Asparagus retorted. "Especially when you won't do it yourself. Now hold still."

Plans dashed, but potential confrontation delayed (and looking to completely avoid the issue), Rumpleteazer considered turning right back around and leaving. Couldn't miss what was never there; she could act like she'd been out all night (which she figured would mean less disappointment) and rush off to catch Skimbleshanks somewhere else. She had all but had her two front paws back through the door when her father chanced a look up from what he was doing (or perhaps chanced a look up to avoid being elbowed in the nose, who could say?).

"Rumpleteazer? Is that you?" Asparagus called. He sounded surprised to see her (which was a testament she really didn't feel like unpacking at the moment). Said queen, frozen in place at having been caught, slowly turned to face him, mind already clicking away on a new course of action as she plastered a fake smile from ear to ear.

"Hey, Rags," she chirped nervously, clutching her paws behind her back.

Asparagus' answering smile was somewhat bewildered. "Welcome back. We weren't expecting you to visit for a while y - oh, no you don't!" He held fast to Tumble who attempted to crawl away at the distraction. The tomkit pouted, glaring daggers up at her.

"Yeah, well…well y'know..." Teazer trailed off,  struggling to keep her tail from twitching. Really selling her case - she was losing time. "Where's da?"

Asparagus tilted his head. "You just missed him, I'm afraid. He's gone for the evening."

Shit.

"I beg your pardon?"

Rumpleteazer snapped her jaw shut, wholly unaware she’d spoken out loud. Tumblebrutus snickered, mouthing the word under his whiskers, and Asparagus frowned - all in rapid, disappointing succession. 

None of this was going even remotely to plan.  

"Perhaps you're lucky your da isn't home," Asparagus deadpanned, tugging lightly on Tumblebrutus' ear as a warning, who yelped and grabbed it back from him.  Serves him right. "I'm sure he'd have something to say about your mouths."

"Sorry," they muttered in unison. As it was, the only thing they consistently managed to agree on.

Asparagus observed the queen's face, noting her posture. "Are you alright? Did something happen?" Not what have you done, now?, mind you, did something happen? Rumpleteazer was unsure if he was giving her an out or was genuinely concerned.

As it was, her rapid fire mind had settled to a sudden, shameful lull at the scolding (and the smallest modicum of guilt), leaving her briefly and dangerously exposed. "Yes."

"'Yes' something happened?"

"No!" she chirped immediately, snapping her head back up, refusing to be caught in the familiar verbal roundabout that would get her admitting to things. Asparagus may be clever - too clever sometimes- but he was no match for the sheer force of will she was willing to exude to escape the figurative fisherman's net. She didn't have a lot of time. "Nothing happened. Yes, I'm fine."

Asparagus slowly blinked at her, looking not at all convinced, but seemingly weighing out the consequences of calling her out on her lie. A tense moment passed, before he settled on a new approach.

"You know, Teazer, you can tell me whatever it is. I'm sure we can figure it out." He pointedly left off the generous offer that it would be their secret, like he would when she was very little and he somehow managed to make things disappear under the rug with a wink and a smile, but Teazer still heard its tail ends. Asparagus had always been good that way, so long as whatever it was wasn't...well, fully illegal.

...And she'd helped clean it up, whatever it was. He wasn't a complete pushover.

Still, something about disappointing both of the toms she considered her parents in the same evening didn't exactly sound like a thrilling prospect; one at a time.

"It's nothing - honest, it's nothing," she insisted, bouncing on her heels, suddenly uncomfortable and wishing she just...hadn't come at all. It was too much all at once. "I just wanted to talk to da."

Asparagus gave her a sympathetic look, though it looked to be a second thought covering whatever first came to mind (she could guess well enough what it was). "Miss him, do you?"

Tumblebrutus rubbed absently at his ears, turning to gauge her reaction to that. Now both toms were staring at her with matching, window pale eyes. It would be a little creepy, if you asked her, were she not so familiar with it.

Rumpleteazer pressed her muzzle in a thin, firm smile. That wasn't...exactly the sentiment, but it hit very firmly just beneath her breast anyway. No, that wasn't it at all. She'd needed to catch up to him to plead her case, that was all. She wasn't a kitten running to her parent when trouble hit - she was a grown queen on a mission to avoid the consequences of her actions and that particularly guilt inducing look he'd always give her when she'd really done it that time.

And, funny enough, the only thing that kept passing her mind was how he hadn't even said goodbye - that she hadn't even been around to hear one.

Asparagus sighed, long and loud, bringing Rumpleteazer violently back to the present. He looked withdrawn; if she could say nothing else of him, he knew when to pick his battles. "He should be back tomorrow morning."

"Yeah...yeah, okay," she muttered, backing up a pace. Something unpleasant was bubbling under her skin and every instinct was pushing her to run off

Just like always.

"Why don't you stay?" Asparagus asked hastily, eying how she continued inching away. "Let me just finish up here, and we can eat - I'm sure you're hungry, aren't you?"

And, in reality, Rumpleteazer was hungry. She couldn't remember if she'd eaten that day - she and Jerrie had been working on their plan for the better part of three days, and sometimes trivial things like eating would completely slip her mind. Really, there was no harm at all in staying the evening and eating and waiting for her father with the rest of her family. It might even be a nice change of pace, like it was before, and not like there was much to be done. But Rumpleteazer's brain was itching inside of her skull; she had to leave so she could fix everything. That was best for everyone.

"No, no that's alright, dad." She noted the slight jump in expression, just as she thought the name would invoke. It had been a more common utterance when she was a kitten - and, for the life of her, she can't recall why she'd stopped.

"I'll be back, though, I promise!" Rumpleteazer continued in a rush, as though keeping ahead of her thoughts, drowning them out, would strangle the persistent melancholy that threatened to take hold. She darted her gaze away so she wouldn't catch any disappointment. Even Tumblebrutus looked...well about as concerned as he was wont to be towards her. "Maybe next weekend?"

"Very well," Asparagus said eventually, looking...not hurt, she didn't think, but something in the same vicinity. "I'll let your father know."

"Thanks." She wiggled her way out the door, pausing only a moment to glance back. "I'll...I'll see you later. Goodnight!"

Rumpleteazer was out the door and down the street before she'd realized there'd been no goodnight in return, and she'd left her pearls tangled sadly in the bushes.

---

Asparagus continued to stare at the doorflap, watching the last flick of Rumpleteazer's tail disappear as it swung back and forth. He heaved a sigh, feeling a sudden pressure deep in his chest that he couldn't quite place.

"She's in big trouble," the tom kitten observed from beneath his chin, staring after where his sister had bustled off. There was a certain smugness in the announcement, but Asparagus could hear the beginning shades of begrudging awe and admiration in his tone. Not exactly a thrilling prospect of influence, but at least it suggested...some sort of fondness on his behalf.

"Mm hmm," he agreed, finally letting the tomkitten free from his grasp. He wasn't finished, but the chances of him ever finishing had set sail the moment it'd been interrupted. No matter; he was mostly clean, anyway, and Asparagus felt...trouble settling heavily in his stomach. Tumblebrutus took full advantage, scrambling up and away, leaning over to peer back at his father upside down.

"Is she going to be grounded?" he asked innocently. Asparagus wished it were that simple.

“Depends,” he murmured, feeling - he thought - how it must feel to be heading very quickly towards a wall without being able to stop. There was something on the horizon, he could feel it, he just couldn't put his paw exactly on what. "We'll wait until your father comes home. See what he has to say about it."

Asparagus hoped he had something to say about it - anything at all, at this point.

[viralhottopics]

13 Waiters And Waitresses Reveal Their Craziest Tales From The Floor

Waiters and waitresses have seriously tiring jobs. Theyoften have to be on their feet all day, trying to please table after table of customers.

Often, the customers are very nice and even fun to talk to, making the hours pass by quickly and the good tippers make the day even better.

There are times, though, when it seems like a nightmare shift will never end. Customer after customer sends food back for ridiculous reasons, andsome are literally impossible to please, no matter how hard one tries.

If you’ve ever been a waitress or a waiter, then you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a horror story of your own, if not a couple dozen to boot.

I have major respect for the servers who navigate tricky customers with poise and professionalism. I don’t think I’m cut out for it!

Do you have a crazy or totally unpleasantstory from being a server? Please SHARE with your family and friends on Facebook!

[H/T: Reddit 1, 2]

Thumbnail Sources: YouTube 1, 2

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1.

Flickr / apasciuto

“We had all kinds of smoothies and daiquiris on the menu. One day, a lady ordered a mango daiquiri. I made it and delivered it, [then] she drank about a third of it. Then asked if there was real mango in it. I told her it was a concentrate, but, yes, it has real mango it.

“She panics and tells me ‘I can’t drink this! I’m allergic to mango!’

“Awesome.” crypt13

2.

Flickr / Oszkar Nagy

“It was a busy lunch rush on a hot summer day, so the AC was blasting, but not enough to keep the whole room cool. Add to this the fact that all the servers are running around as fast as they can in order to take care of each table’s every desire.

“So, one lady at my table approached me at the computer while I was putting in their order. She asked me if I could stop sweating.” folkmasterfrog

3.

Pixabay

“Had a guy who got furious at me for not having the cloth under his burger like it did in the menu to make it look nice. He called me out saying it was ‘false advertising’ and threatened to call the cops.” Illier1

4.

Flickr / dollen

“I once had a woman order a burger and request that I take the lettuce, tomato and onion that come with the burger and chop it into a side salad for her. It was 99 cents extra to add an ALL YOU CAN EAT SALAD BAR to her order, but she insisted I take the single slice of tomato, the single slice of iceberg lettuce and the single circle of red onion and make her a side salad.

“So I did, and I charged her $1 dollar for the side of ranch dressing.” biggulpshuh_alright

5.

Flickr / Michael Newman

“There’s a live-lobster tank for fresh full lobsters if you want to pay a little extra. Usually the customer assumes you’ll just pick one and cook it up for them, but I had a gentleman ask if he could handpick it from the tank himself. No problem.

“He picks one up, examines it, and proceeds to sing some foreign operatic aria to the damn thing. In front of the whole restaurant. Not a word in English, no idea what he was saying to it, but damn if the poor lobster didn’t near shed a tear.” jmur1308

6.

Flickr / Phil Sexton

“I used to bartend/wait at a local golf course. I once had a customer ask us to make the shelled mussels less time consuming, but was adamant that they should not be taken out of their shell. Then, to top it off, asked that his lamb not taste like lamb.” Cletus_SJ_Yokel

7.

Flickr / Yuichi Sakuraba

“I had a guy complain that his fries were too crispy. He then proceeded to throw a handful of them in his mouth and chew with his mouth open in my face so I could hear how crispy they were.” Givemefivedollars

8.

Flickr / Bashar Al-Ba’noon

“I had a man request a ‘place to speak privately’ with his sister-in-law. I said no, but they snuck into a meeting room and locked the door anyway. I unlocked the door to kick them out and they already had half their clothing on the floor.” sadtay

9.

Pixabay

“A rough and tumble gentleman came in and asked me to show him our largest glass. I brought out a beer stein that held 32 oz. He looked up and down and said, “That’ll do”, and then asked me to fill it to the brim with chocolate milk.” yaboykanye

10.

Flickr / Toshiyuki IMAI

“We had this omelet on our menu that had this chunky, spicy salsa type stuff in it. It was pretty good. A lady wanted that omelet, but without any of the chunky, salsa stuff. Without the chunky, salsa stuff it was merely an omelet with some cheese in it. This was clearly explained to her, and I told her that she’d save a couple of bucks by just ordering a cheese omelet.

“She SCREAMED at me that NO SHE WANTED THIS OMELET.

“Okay, fine. I put in the order, brought it to her, and she complained quite vocally that it was just a cheese omelet and ‘Couldn’t you put some vegetables or bacon or something in it?!’” angela_bee

11.

Flickr / Chris Clogg

“I had a guy complain that his wife was cold while they were sitting on the patio. I suggested moving inside but no, ‘We want to sit outside and she’s cold. What are you going to do about that?’

“‘Sir, I’m sorry, I can’t do anything but offer to move you inside.’

“‘Well, you’re wearing a sweater. Aren’t you even going to offer it to her?’

“‘No, sir, I’m not going to give your wife MY sweater.’

“So he asked to speak to my manager who had to spend 10 minutes explaining that he was not going to require me to hand over the literal clothes off my back and that we have no control over the weather.” Pommesdor

12.

Wikimedia Commons

“I once had a table steal my tip that was left from my previous guests, then pay me with it.” Reddit User

13.

Flickr / jeffreyw

“The couple was extremely rude to me from start to finish, but the thing that really got me was when I asked how their food was and the man picked up the end of a piece of asparagus and began twirling it in the air at me like helicopter blades, saying very condescendingly, ‘Can we get some asparagus that didn’t come out of the dumpster?’” in_wonderland

Can you believe these? Please SHARE with family and friends if you know exactly what was going through these servers’ minds.

Read more: http://bit.ly/2j791c8

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