#at least I'm going to sleep with the illusion that I've accomplished something

[screwpinecaprice]

Haha she a Border Connie.

Even before Cat Steven (the cat) I imagined a cat Steven to be a calico with a stubby tail.

[annaizscribbling]

Just a New Years vent, feel more than free to skip, I just need a place to throw my thoughts, so I'm just doing it here for no real reason.

Well, maybe that's not entirely true. it's not uncommon for me to write out my thoughts privately, but doing it on a blog can feel more ... comforting, i think. The illusion of being seen? Or of solidarity? Or maybe just seeking attention. I'm not sure, but it's something like that.

I was (or am) more emotional about the New Years than I thought I'd be. On some more subconscious level, I planned to draw through midnight, painlessly passing over into the new year. I didn't want to think about it, how I felt about it was too complicated, and unaddressed, and it was suddenly jumping me all at once when my youngest sibling came and got me to celebrate with the rest of the family.

I want to say that counting out years is arbitrary, it's just a manmade passage of time, based on our planet circling the sun, I shouldn't need to measure myself against it, and what even makes it successful? But that's just my rational surface level brain talking, and to my ongoing misfortune, my feelings can get in the way of easy rational.

In reality, I'm disappointed. I was sick for most of the year, sleep deprived, exhausted, and struggling in pretty much every area of my life outside of grades and performance at work, I looked like I was doing good, but it was only there. I survived the year, and for that I'm glad, but it's hard to feel like I've done enough, when I'm certainly the type to always push for more, aim bigger, accomplish more. I crave bigger and better and productive and fulfilling. I always wish I could be more.

Sometimes you've got to settle for enough, instead of more.

And that's not an easy thing, at least not for me.

2022 was rough for me. That simple. It was an uphill battle, and I'm not sure that I won that battle.

That's not to say it was all bad, all my worst years had a couple highlights. Highschool is over, thank the Lord.

I'll hold onto the nice things, and the little moments, and the little achievement, because I don't want to wallow, but I do want to reflect.

I hope this past year was good to you, bit if it wasn't, that's okay too. I'm going to remember the parts that were good, and cling to them while I mend the parts that weren't so good.

I've got things to look forward to in the next 365 days