#back in 2018-2019 me and two others went INSANE about these two and I'm here to make it everyone's problem

[bonjourxrenae]

🇮🇪 🇵🇱 IREPOL FANFIC ARCHIVE 🍀 👑

Scéalta le Casadh by bonjourxrenae (@bonjourxrenae)

A historical one-shot about their first meeting - what starts as humble research becomes a quiet whirlwind romance:

Doctor O’Connor figured the best way to learn more about a nation was to glean that information from another nation. It had been the only reason Ireland came to Warsaw: to interview Poland, gather information, and help edit the manuscripts. In truth, he had become enchanted by the land during the few months he had stayed in Warsaw. The people were kind and devout, the kind of people Ireland felt warmest around. He had brought his flageolet and played for the children on the streets. The food and the folk dances comforted him, sunrises and sunsets were clear, and the reflection of the moon on the waters of the rivers and lakes had all but taken him under. He had become enamored. He understood what the doctor meant. He had to know more.

M’fhíorghrá / My true love by Felicja_Julieanne (@felicja-j)

A soft one-shot, wherein the two have other plans that don't involve staying at the UN formal:

“You’ve talked with your boss already, right?” “Yeah, but he ditched me the first occasion he had. Why?” Ireland smiles at him. “In that case, he knows you’re here. No one said we have to stay til the very end.” He pulls Poland a little closer, and lets himself rest his head against Poland’s hair. No one is looking in their direction anyway. “How about you run away with me, love?”

Of Irish coffee and milk tea by Felicja_Julieanne (@felicja-j)

A collection of drabbles, ranging from soft and domestic, to angst with character death.

A Game of Guinness Telephone by Husaria (@lithuanias)

Meet-cute Human AU one-shot, in which a stranger buys Ireland a pint at the pub... then promptly leaves before he can get a word in:

Alfred returned with another Guinness. Seán blinked. “Thanks, but I’m not even done—” “Oh, I know,” said Alfred. “This is from—” He gestured towards an empty barstool at the end of the car. “—he just left.” Seán swiveled around to look at the front door. “Who left?” “Some guy. He ordered you a Guinness. I…I thought he wanted to talk to you.” “Who was he?” “Beats me,” said Alfred. “First, he asked if we carried…a…I can’t even pronounce it and then just ordered a Guinness. I think we carry the beer he mentioned…Do we—?” Seán sipped his stout. “Did you get a name?” “Nope. Had an accent. I think he was Polish.” “What’d he look like?” “A bit shorter than you. Blond. He couldn’t have been older than twenty-five. Oh, and he had a white cat with him.”

The Seal Lord by bonjourxrenae (@bonjourxrenae)

Fantasy AU multi, featuring Ireland as a selkie and Poland as the young dignitary who accidentally summons him:

It was hard to say how much time had passed, or how many tears he’d wept. Get it together, he told himself, slapping his cheeks until his senses returned. Feliks breathed in the salty air, filled his lungs with the chill so deep it almost hurt. While he had the time, he listened to the hush of the waves against the shore, the cry of the gulls overhead… The airy sound of a tin whistle playing close by… Feliks turned toward the sound. In the haze of sundown, he saw him: a tall man with copper red hair bent over a stone, his feet buried in the sand. He was soaked to the bone, dressed in nothing but what appeared to be a large fur skin, glossy from the salt water. As he played, his thin fingers fluttered over the sound holes, trilling every other note. It was a song Feliks did not recognize, yet felt drawn to all the same. As he approached, the sand shuffled noisily beneath his shoes. The strange man drew away from the flute and looked over his shoulder at Feliks, a boyish smile curled on his lips. “Ah, so you’re the one what called for me.”

Sleepless by Felicja_Julieanne (@felicja-j)

A deeply emotional Human AU, in which Feliks realizes he's asexual and comes out to his partner:

Seán walks up to him, and sits on the other side of the windowsill seat. The moonlight shining on his face makes him seem more pale than usual, but it accents all the right angles, and seems to highlight all his freckles. Feliks almost wants to ask to paint him like this. Maybe another night. “Are you okay?” “Yeah,” Feliks answers. Too quick, he then realizes. “I just, uhm. Can’t sleep, I guess.” Seán raises his brows, and smiles. “And my guess, is that you’re lying.” Feliks feels his breath catch in his throat. “Y’know… whatever it is, you can tell me.” “There’s not-,” his first instinct is to defend himself, but then… he doesn’t. Avoiding this conversation has been draining him mentally. As much as Feliks is terrified to bring it up, he wants to talk to someone. He needs to. “I’ve- … It’s been a weird couple of weeks, I guess.” “Is everything okay?” Seán asks with concern. He leans forward, his hand on Feliks’s leg. He smiles with reassurance, but Feliks sees something else in his eyes. He must be worried, and Feliks doesn’t exactly blame him. He’s been way too distant lately. No wonder Seán knows something is going on. Feliks is terrible at hiding things. He turns to the window, resting his forehead against the cold glass, and closes his eyes for a moment.  “No, it’s not.”

[f1-birb]

I love how A lot of ex McLaren Drivers nasilały adopted Lando and they love him. Lewis, Jenson, Fernando or Mika.

~ Nando adopted him from Daytona 24 onwards. With Daytona he was so impressed with little baby 18yo Lando during the race that he went on to borderline wax poetry, and then Lando was the test/reserve for McLaren and did his apprenticeship in 2018, so when he wasn't racing in F2 he was learning the ins and outs, doing all sorts of jobs from sweeping the garage to making tea, and he learnt a lot from Fernando (probably insane to him since it was Lewis and Nando in 2007 that got him into F1 and McLaren) ~ a little bonus:

EDIT: thanks to an anon for the additional info, these two go further back than I was aware of! Lando was doing his internship at with McLaren as well as doing some test driver duties in 2017. 2018 was when they were in a team for Daytona 24 together and he became McLaren's reserve driver. And even before that, he's known Fernando since he won the WKC in an FA Kart

~ Jenson seemed to love Lando basically from the start, this interview springs to mind in particular, they're both Somerset Boys, and then he seems to have grown more and more endeared. Jenson has usually vouched for Lando for things, and the feeling is clearly mutual too from how at ease Lando is during interviews with JB

~ Lewis was actually a bit of a surprise, but seemed (to me at least) mildly amused by the rookies and Lando, I'm distinctly reminded of Silverstone 2019 and the iconic press conference, but Lewis' fondness for Lando in particular seemed to come after Sochi and then grew from there, and there's been a lot of sweet moments since. There's a few instances over radio, Lewis checked on Lando when he was sick in Barcelona last year and sitting on the floor under an umbrella during the drivers parade, stealing Lando's bucket hat, a few drivers parades this year where we saw the two of them talk to each other for most if not the whole thing

~ I haven't seen too much with Mika and Lando, but I know he's been pretty complimentary about him, and also turned heads when he made the bold claim (at the time) that McLaren will be the ones to challenge Red Bull and then lo and behold Austria and then the upgrades since and here we are

[imarawbu]

Moving this diary from my old social media to here. Please refrain from the "leave him" comments.. I know.

So, in the last... 5 years.

The last entry was November 2018. I divorced him in December. I gave him conditions thay he could stay with me till the divorce was final. Obviously, he could not. At the end of December, he tried to kidnap me and take me to Houston again, I got my dad involved. He was high. I had to later pick him up after work around 11 at night. He was wondering the streets. Long story short, after holding me hostage in my car all night and me getting my phone and texting my dad to put an APB on my car... he went back to his parent's.

I was offically divorced in February 2019. He left me with thousands in debt. His parents arraigned for him to pay me back. He got a job, his dad would take him and I would pick him up. This obviously didn't go well. He was still abusing me.

I finally cut all contact with him in 2020 right before the pandemic. I met someone and we were considering marriage (you don't date as a Muslim). At first he still called me all the time (20+ times in a row if I didn't answer.) I blocked him, so he'd get a new number. This eventually stoped. The last time he tried to contact me was June 2021.

I however got myself into stupid shit.

I picked up a habit of going out in the middle of the night and driving wherever, sometimes this took me 100 miles from the US-Mexico border, other times it took me to North Texas.

I filled up for gas one night, some guy saw me, offered to pay me $400 to sit with some drunk guy for 20 minutes. I was desperate for money, so I did. This guy was interested in me and I was too scared to not do anything. I wound up being this guy's taxi service and sugar mama just like before and also got myself into a very dangerous situation with this guy. I cut him off after two weeks claiming my dad found out what I was doing. Guy didnt take it well but I've never heard anything since (thankfully).

My husband and I met in 2019. He was immediately interested in me then, however I was not. This was with a meetup group. I joined this group after my divorce and after finding the guy who heads the group on a dating site. I figured I'd go check him out. Ended up befriending his mother at the first meetup I went to (didnt even know it was his mother till the end of the night). I became super good friends with her, I stayed with her several times, etc. At one point I even told her about my interest in her son. She said never tell him because he wasn't interested and saw me as family. Anyways, this same group, I met my current husband. I finally agreed to start seeing him a year later in late 2020. We met did stuff together, "broke up" for a bit because he is from a conservative culture and his family wouldnt be into him marrying outside it. He went home for the holidays. When he came back wanted another chance. We got married 2 months later during the major freeze in Texas.

We've been married 2.5 years. I had my daughter 5 months ago. Ironically, the guy I mentioned, married a woman from overseas who is almost exactly like me (just not overweight and more naive) and we are all friends (my husband and him are business partners.) They have a daughter who is 5 months older than my daughter. Irony.

I am back here because I have amazing life now from the outside- like influencer level- travel internationally multiple times a year, luxury house, any and every trendy item- everything. Inside, my husband is abusive. No one knows and if anyone found out, he has told me he will divorce me, leave the country, and leave me with nothing. Since my daughter was born it has gotten worse. I take care of my daughter, work full time, and maintain the house. I work for my own money, obviously, my husband make insanely good money and takes care of the finances. He is more and more demanding, doesn't care if I'm overwhelmed or tired. Shows very little interest in my daughter except to accuse me of not taking care of her well enough, etc. So this is my venting place.

Maybe I will only post on horrible days or every day. He has a full out fight with me about something every week and a half to 2 weeks. In two weeks we are suppose to go as a family to his family's place for Eid. I'm not thrilled because my daughter is so young, this is a third world country we are visiting and a very rural area- they don't have 24 hr electricity or AC in the middle of summer. I am not fluent in their language (some family members speak English, most don't), and he has a very large family. Being around 7 people in the same house is too much for me, I would be around twice that many for a week straight. My daughter isn't a fan of people other than me anyways. She will tolerate it for an hour then scream her head off wanting to go home. I gained alot of weight in pregnancy, this is a society that judges heavily, so I bring shame to his reputation for being overweight.

[marindram]

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Profile Views: 101,275

About me: I love listening to music and glitter

Friends (0)

June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

[radiorenjun]

➶ angie's 1 k followers ! ! !

we're. at. 1 k? excuse me? ( ˚ ߜ˚)!!!

I'm overly emotional right now, YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT? BYE I NEVER THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD COME. dude dude I remember joining this platform back in 2018 to read some Thomas Sangster fanfictions and leaving because I got bored. Then I got back in when 2019 started and that was when I first really got into kpop. And that was when I started writing Stray Kids drabbles (i should really get back on that I missed writing for skz I swear)

God what? I remember just writing for fun and to fulfill my fantasies of NOT being single with like 0 followers (except gwen of course) and wow. I can't believe I got this far with writing fanfictions. Damn, yall are true simps for your idols if you follow me fr. The fact that simply last year I went from publishing once every few months to once a week? Is fucking insane. The fact that I thought this blog was probably going no where and I should just enjoy my time with writing fanfictions and now I have like 36282&28 friends to chat and a huge ass following?

hihi ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚⸜(♡ ॑ᗜ ॑♡)⸝ ˚⋆｡˚ ⋆

THANK YOU SO DAMN MUCH? I'm literally in tears as I write this what the fuck, it's been two whole years since i started writing kpop fanfiction here and I had some ups and downs along the way. Im about to get a bit sentimental here so bear with me hehe

Originally this blog was suppose to be a place where I fulfill my boyfriend fantasies despite my issues with disliking physical affection (or affection in general) and to keep my mind busy so I don't spiral down into my depression again and again.

Ngl still is.

But damn, to think that now I can chat other people freely who has the somewhat of the same interests as I do? Dude that's fucking insane. I made some hella amazing friends here too and I'm so fucking grateful and happy that I can talk to them everyday and fangirl bout writing and nct and skz and everything else in general.

I'm not online 24/7 but mostly because of school shit since I'm bout to graduate soon but DUDE DAMN ITS HELLA FUN TO BE HERE. I contemplated on deleting this blog a billion times whenever my life gets too much, but I'm so glad I didn't.

Often times I would go to tumblr as some sort of escape from reality. I would act all hyper and chaotic even tho I don't feel the best in reality, but seeing my moots or followers interact or have a laugh at something or something I say always made my day. Im not the type to go on bout my problems so imma stop getting emotional here LMFAO

THANK YOU TO ALL MY MOOTS, MY FOLLOWERS AND LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS INTERACTED W MY STORIES. I assure u I have more full fics as soon as i finish idni (which only has approx three chapts left by the way! I'm starting a new series very very soon!)

YOU ALL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME AND I DONT THINK ILL STILL BE BREATHING AT THIS POINT IF IT WERENT FOR ALL OF YALL. Fr the amount of times I feared I would disappoint everyone if I leave IS UNCANNY LMFAOOOO

Thank you for being the reason why I'm staying. Im not planning on leaving anytime soon but I'm sure once I do I'll leave with a positive impact HAHA

Here's a pic of me doing a bridge to celebrate this milestone!

Sexy Bridge reveal look at my 157 cm ass doing a sloppy bridge pls I wasn't even trying in this picture what the fuck is with that bush of a hair. I look s k I n n y here tf. I went 🦗🦗🦟🦗🦟🦟🦗 peak my sexy canvas at the back oh my god that floor do be looking shinier than my will to live dayum. Also feet reveal❗❗❗❗ don't mind my dads bike over there I can't ride a bike LMFAOOO

Anyways, this is angie otherwise known as radiorenjun. Thank you for having me and thank you for everything, I will continue to try and dominate the world with my extroverted ass, thank you and good night/morning/afternoon/evening/dawn/dusk/fucking/renjun/iloveyall/barkbark

WAIT WAIT

REMEMVER WHRN I USED TO GO BY TENSHI-CHANXXX? GLAD WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY LMFAOOOOOO

[alexturner]

why did you leave the am fandom when you did? do you think you'll ever be back? i'm not trying to start drama or smth but i miss your enthusiasm ans your gifs :(

I've had this in my inbox for quite a while, and I got many variations of this ask over the past year, but for a long time I just wasn't really ready, I feel like, to answer this. I needed some distance in order to reflect and I think I'm there now. This...might get long, I don't know yet, so I put it under a read more.

I want to pre-face this by saying that this is all my opinion. I know that’s what you asked for, but just in case that wasn’t clear. I'm not saying it’s fact, that you should feel this way as well; it's just how I felt and how I feel now.

I left the fandom because I wasn't getting any joy from AM anymore. Like, at that point (May 2019) I felt like AM just wasn't performing the way they used to. And I'm not saying that a band should always be on their best, they're just people and that would be unrealistic, but they just seemed so uninspired - which seemed odd to me considering they had just come off a lengthy hiatus and had a brand new album to tour. The setlist stayed pretty much the same about halfway through the tour, they had this incredible new album and just kept playing... boring setlists, to be honest. I think Alex's vocals were really sloppy by the end of the tour and his guitar work was sometimes... awful. A big part was also how messy some of the guys' personal lives seemed and how they seemed to bring it on stage with them sometimes. And clearly Alex and Taylor's break-up and him moving on so fast with Louise, that annoyed the hell out of me, too. And to me, as someone who was around when they toured AM and saw many, many of their live shows (via live streams, but still), things just seemed very different when they toured TBHC and that started to really affect how I felt about the band. It got so bad that I just couldn't really listen to their music without just getting really, angry and annoyed, which is unusual for me because I'm not an angry person. That was a big red flag for me that something was wrong. Something you say you love shouldn't make you feel that way and shouldn't make you feel like you're not yourself. I know that sounds really heavy and like I'm exaggerating and overreacting, but AM was just my entire world, literally, in my late teens/early twenties. Every moment I was listening to their music, making gifs, watching their interviews, I got up at 3am in the summer to watch live streams of their shows, they're what really got me into music, vinyl, playing guitar. And for that feeling and excitement to be gone, that made me really, really sad, which was also a moment for me where I realized I just had to step away or else that really important period in my life might be stained forever.

For me that meant getting into other stuff and just finding that sense of joy again, and I really found that in film, mostly, and that’s what I’ve really been focused on ever since. I didn’t listen to AM for more than 6 months, I didn’t look them up, watch any videos, I unfollowed everyone on Instagram. That gave me so much room to breathe again and, like I said, find joy in things. And in the recent weeks I’ve finally felt like I have processed everything and can kind of look at it more objectively and not through AM-obsessed-tinted glasses. I also had a good talk about it with my friend Ro and she talked a lot of sense into me as well. Looking back on it, I just think I was too close to things. I knew everything that went on; I knew the setlist backwards, I had the tour dates in my calendar to know when new shows were, I knew everyone’s relationship status and got every Instagram notification, I would wake up in the middle of the night and my first instinct was to check their tag on Instagram to see if I missed anything, and looking back at that, that’s so insane and it’s hard to think I functioned like that at some point. It has also given me some new insights on how the Tranquility Base tour ended and how I feel about the tour and ‘era’ as a whole. And it made me compare to how I would feel about those things in other bands I like. Would I be angry and upset if Royal Blood had a couple of bad shows? Would I be disappointed in Haim if they only put out two music videos for their album? Would I think that someone being less present on stage definitely had to do with their break-up that happened somewhere in June 2018, which I know about because his former girlfriend hasn’t posted about him since then and that’s totally evidence they’re not together anymore? I wouldn’t even know any of these things about those bands because I don’t keep close enough tabs on them to even know these things. AM is an incredible band, they make incredible music, they were a huge part of an important part of my life, I met many of my friends by being an AM fan, but I also see that I went way too hard and that that affected my feelings about the band. It doesn’t mean that my feelings from late 2018/early 2019 are invalid, or that anyone who doesn’t agree with what I’ve said here is wrong. I’m not making excuses for anything, but I am trying to rationalize it a little bit for myself. What I do know is that, personally, it has been really good for me as a fan of their music to be able to take several steps back and to be able to let go of a lot of negative emotions I had towards the band and in response to that, to their music. It’s made it so that I can now listen to their music again without feeling like I wanna jump out a window because of how miserable the sound of Alex’s voice makes me feel. And to answer your other question: I don’t know if I’ll ever really be back in the fandom. I definitely couldn’t be back in the same capacity as I was from 2014 until 2019, but I also feel like it would make me really excited if they would release new music, whenever that may be. The idea of making gifs of them again is nice. I would love to go back to my old URL. And I also really loved the sense of community, the people I met, liveblogging every live set and everyone posting ‘I CRUMBLE COMPLEEETELY WHEN YOU CRY’, during 505 is among one of my fondest memories. In this lengthy reply I’m not trying to say it was all bad, because for the biggest part it was really fucking great and I’m so happy to have been a part of all that and to have been there for those moments and to have met incredible people both online and at concerts. But I am trying to say that in the future when it comes to AM I need to find a good balance, because it would be very easy to fall back into that 2014-2019 pattern again, but reality is I can’t do that without compromising my mental health and my love for AM’s music. If you have made it this far, bravo. I’m sorry this got so long, but it felt right. I hope this makes you think about your relationship with the things you love. Thank you for the nice words, it's good to hear my presence and gifs were appreciated, and I hope this big response answers your question!

[peachyaesthetictings]

During the year of 2017. I first started off fangirling over these boys was when i first listened to “help me help you” by logan paul ft. why don’t we but i was kinda unsure if i'd really fangirl over this band, containing five cute guys ((zach, jonah, daniel, corbyn, jack)) they were just like taking over one direction's spot to me during that year and never really questioned a lot more about them because i wasn’t really into their songs, or really fangirling over them when i was 16. I was clearly still fangirling over some other celebrities ((hm cameron dallas//shawn mendes ✊🏻)) and i didn’t bother to be amazed much yet by them. I was hyped when i found about this band, but not as much as years after hehe ((probably i’m not really a fan yet aye sowie but forgive me :( ))

Almost a year later. They were starting to be much more well known over the globe due to achieving the top 20 in malaysia ((at least)) and the radio was constantly playing the same song which is called "something different". Out of the blues, i just love that song and i'll be singing along in the car whenever the radio plays it. I really loved that song till the point i would get really sad if someone switched the radio to a different station :'))) Ever since then, i will go on youtube to jam on that song whenever i got my phone back. After a few weeks probably, i started going overboard for research about them and found out that they made many amazing mashups and covers. I was literally wow-ed when i listened one of their mashup for the very first time and it was abundantly bomb. I fell in love with their strong vocals and gahh they were so talented unknowingly. Maybe it sounded really dramatic, but HAHAHA it was really talented of them for even making mashups when they just formed into a band plus they're kinda new towards a lot of things back then. A few months later, they composed a new song called "talk" and omaii that song sound so, so good. I started going crazy about them, and shared this song to my friends. Guess what? many of them loved it and i got more hyped about them again. I remember watching their official video for a few times and i fell so hard for zach herron bcs of his vocal and hehehe he's pretty cute :'DDDD Through this song, i was found that i'm actually really into their songs, and these beautiful boys. I searched for their individual's spotify playlist to know them more through the music genre they like, also searched for their biodata(s) on google ((bcs mr google gives a lot of their infos HAHA)) just so i can be clear about their appearance too hehe ((i kinda felt like a kid doing all these😂))

Year of 2018. They composed a song called “8 letters” which means “i love you”. This song really mean a lot me, it brings me back to my high school life fangirling/go crazy about this song so much. I remember my friends used to say that the starting of the song rhythm sounds like a bee buzzing around HAHAHAHA crap that’s kinda true tbh but gah sah good :’)))) my heart is full 🥺💖 although i might get bored of a song really fast, but whenever i listen to it again, it brings me back to my form five life literally. Soon, this song became an album, and also a tour name called “8 letters tour”. “Friends” and “talk” really is one of the best song i’ve ever listened to ((basically all are my favourite but i love these two the most))

January 2019. Wow time flies :’))) they first debuted was on 2016 and look, it’s already November gah i’m so proud of how far they’ve came 😩 “Big plans” always reminds me of my future life bcs of the lyrics i guess and also i first heard this song was in their instagram stories and their instagram posts ((a short audio of the song they composed)) before they release the full song :’))) after hearing it on instagram, i literally loved this song so much and impatiently wanting to listen to the full song :/ bcs i personally love this kinda vibes.It brings so much good and positive vibes istg 🥳 these boys are absolutely incredible 😭❤️

August 2019. I’m really sorry but i’m moving on to the latest song hehe bcs there’s a lot to describe if i’ll have to describe every song one by one so hehehe forgive me limelights :D So this song, wow 🤩 it’s emotional somehow, but there’s so much of good vibes given in this whole song. About life ; about inspirations, so much love ; so much thoughts about this song.

Reminiscing why don’t we’s concert 🌸💖✨ 14.10.2019//Plenary Hall, KLCC. This is one of the best surprise and blessings to me in 2019 :’))))) i’m so, so honoured to be there with them. A week now since i went to their concert, it still feels so surreal that i finally made this come through bcs i dreamt of going to their concert and desperately wanted to see them live and mhm it finally came through after fangirling about them at home alone HAHAHAHA ((sounds like a loner)) it was insane and love the vibes in the hall man. It’s probably one of those rare days where i really screamed my lungs out cheering for them and sing along with their songs. It’s insane, really insane. Being so excited for the past few months before this happened, it’s all bcs of i’ve been waiting for this. Seeing them with my own eyes, listening to them sing with my own ears, wow i’m more than being impressed already 🙌🏼 this is my first concert that i’ve been and it was already the best one so far, so so good 💕 sing me to sleep please you beautiful boys!! 💓💓💓💓

Here’s an inspiration message from them ; “if you’ve got a dream or even if you don’t have a dream, if you got attached or if you got something you like to do, if you got something you love to do, do it with all your heart bcs dreams do come true and there’s five guys tonight are living proof for that, so always shoot for the stars and never stop dreaming okay” // istg my heart is full bcs of them :’))) it’s so heartwarming and touching when corbyn said this to their fans. Honestly i feel really happy whenever i see how they care for each other like brothers, like family. They care so much for their fans, it’s so loving and caring of them to do that. During that concert, i feel so much energy and positive vibes that they put into this tour. There’s so much risk and difficulties for them to travel around for sure, but nyom they always do it for the fans and i’m so flattered 🥺

They’re talented and beautiful inside out, i’m so hepi :’DDDDD much luv uwu 💖💖💖💖💖