#back to nurse girl we go. o7

[autism-corner]

dad wont let me be excited about my new wounds which he attributes to the horrors >:(

[dontcrybecauseitsoverr]

i had a perfect relationship. i had liked her and thougut she was goals from the start of moving up here in august. she was funky, peppy, aesthetic, cute and just. i liked her a lot. she had a bf since 14. and everyone has a highschool sweet heart in maine it seems. but it was abusive, and not good, stealing , the most horrible treatment. like. she’s at class at a hospital and her her snap maps is glitched and shows her on a street corner. and he KNOWS she’s at work, studying to be nurse. and he’s belittling her that she’s a fucking hooker working the corner good for nothing. i didnt talk to her for months. maybe a reply on story here or there talked about snow tubing. until one day in may 19’ we started talking, hard. when she was away on a trip to florida. so easy time to talk. no boy to be there. while they on the out of the relationship. and what nice ass guy comes in to play? who’s also hot af and shit! meee. broke up bout a month later, and we started kinda stuff a month later. then made official like another month. one night in september , she wasn’t responding and she was very sick at the time, i thougut she passed out from maine, with kidney infection and i drive over to make sure she’s not dead or some shit to location at mcdonald’s. and theyre ptfo in the front seats. it was some insurance issue bc he was so dumb in life her parents provided everything. i knew no cheating bc she was in horrible pain. so i didn’t really feel that bad about it and i’ve dealt with some shit before and made it though and were all okay. she had a very sincere apology i beleive. so i thougut id be ok. and i did. also much wasn’t going for me still then so as i knew. one time i was told she was in an amottos with him holding hands. but i still don’t know about that one, as that girl was jealous and wanted to fuck. but jul also hated amottos so like i was like nah. i don’t want to know if she did or not because it doesn’t matter. time goes on we flourish, have fun, no issues at all. 0. then november she had a bad breakdown, really bad. stopped seeing me. started to get real shady. used work as excuse to not see me late, and was with him. only saw me like once a week. barely spent a night. and then went back to ex. and also rehab i believe for mental issues. we ended stuff few days after christmas. got cheated and was broken. i’d say to 0. never got closure. i saw her once at a gas station in feb. and them walking into kfc and she had my purple pants i bought her on. i never stopped thinking about her, and had all my trauma issues daily. always wanted her back. as it felt whole. the tale of juliet shaw.

3am yesteday i receive a text “you were right” from a green text, 207. i knew instantly who it was. now i don’t know anyone with androids, or someone who wouldn’t be in my contacts at 3am as well. i could have just deleted the text, and went on with life. but i sat and decided to respond. it has been so long. i assumed stuff was over. i asked her if i did anything to cause it, she said no, which i believe. i asked her why she did. and she said her brain. and lost weight really skinny now, bad brains. it’s sad, but i’m just glad she’s gone from him. ive have gone though so many different scenarios about how if i’d meet her again, or if she did do something like this. and i decided to talk..bc what else do i have to lose? my college is fine. i’ll have associates. i have 0 anyone interested in me. just two times i’ve hu this year. so what’s the worst that can happen. she’s in such a shit state too. left the relationship months ago she says, but didn’t wanna talk about it , but i assume it went really bad, and she’s broken and wants to get back with me. we’ve been apart longer than we were together. 7 months known 11 months apart now. the problem is, no one would support. my family saw me break down into my moms arms that she went back to ex. they would be pissed like they were mayson. she wouldn’t be allowed in the house most likely. but my mom cheated on dad, and theyre still together. but what do i feel to think? it’s not like she would make the mistake again, she agreed we were perfect, and i know it was. i’m the main character in my life. what am i to do? she was, still is the girl of dreams here. we did everything together. i’d rather make this work in maine than just go off to a college and fuck and stuff. and never had quarrels about our relationship. did random things. loved to drive. smoked. sex was the best ever. if i tread the water and see really what’s up, i should go. i already felt better now that i got some closure and that she just came back. it’s as if she knows what is here and good and yeah. it doesn’t sit right with me to just push away and not do anything about it. that’s really not who i was raised as. granted my mom would, but i can’t. legit have 0 ppl going for me, nothing on tinder bumble anything. clssses former. gonna be like sorry. i feel no self worth too, bad. i even rn got anxiety sending her pics right now of myself, even tho i’ve never been happier with my looks. just maybe wouldn’t be enough somehow. but look at it just from the standpoint of me. right now i got over it, mostly. and right now i can have it back? feels like the move to do. i worked so hard for it before, enough that she came back, feel like that just says something worth it. so i get over the issues, and then get to have the girl i loved forever back? sounds good to me....worth the risk bc i still can just gtfo anytime to another state. but also could be in an apt in portland. go to USM. get some lined pants, my coat. bundle up. and be with the girl of my dreams? maybe. i knew if i keep talking to her, it’ll go back to us dating. which will make me happy. and then if so prob marriage. if we end up together for a year, or more so. and i have to be like to mom and dad i’m sorry i did this though and came back. it’s been smooth and not a single issue. guess we’ll see. contact back to juls 💜 bc why not just go back in full steam. only way to go i feel. cant just be friends. she even said she wanted to keep talking so. all the time listening to Folklore falling asleep. to The One all the night. and but it woulda been fun, if you woulda been the one. o7

[nguyenx33]

Happy 1 week to our baby girl 💕👶🏻 we’re mommy and daddy now!! officially newly parents 👨‍👩‍👧💝 everything happened so quickly it’s CRAZY. I remember it like yesterday, where Layne and I just met. How hard we fell for each other. We were inseparable since day one. Our first date, to our second and third. Us sitting at the beach hands in hands under the clear blue skies. It was a beautiful night on O3.22.16 💕 Almost one year later, here we are blessed with a beautiful daughter. our little sweet bundle of joy 💕 I’m so in love with her. I love and adore everything about her. I remember the moment we found out we were becoming parents how overwhelmed I felt, how scared and nervous I was. It was a mix of emotions inside of me. the fear of possibly not being a great mother to my child, the fear of not knowing how to be a parent, the fear of just bringing another human to life. I feared so much. Listening to Riley’s heartbeat for the first time made me forget my fears. Her heartbeat made me realize how how precious it was having another life grow inside of me. What I feared no longer matters. For my daughter, I can overcome any fear. Her growing inside of me is the most beautiful thing ever. From the first flutters to the first kick. I love everything about being pregnant MINUS the contractions.

As we all know Riley was suppose to be due on 1O.26.17 📆 but my baby girl could not wait to see this world! 🌎 O9.O7~ waking up for my routine pee around 1am. I was bleeding. there was a blood clot. we went to kap and apparently I was having contractions but I didn’t feel them at all. cervix exam and I’m not dilated. doctor said it was normal to bleed during the third trimester and nothing to be concern about 🤷🏻‍♀️ cool, no biggie. discharged and home we went. after coming home from the ER, believe it or not. I started to feel the contractions. it was NOT braxton hicks. my contractions started from 6am slowly creeping up through out the whole day. I contracted every 3-4 minutes with 30-50 seconds long. I was in pain. people say contractions feels like cramping but 1000x worse. funny thing is I’ve never cramp in my whole life when I have my menstrual. toughing it out until Friday. I pulled through and made it to work. believe it or not I was contracting every 3-4 minutes and I knew I had to go back to the ER. took half day on O9.O8 and went straight to kapiolani again. cervix exam and I’m not dilated. I’m contracting but the nurses and doctor said it’s normal to have contractions. they monitored me for several hours and discharged me. “Drink lots of water and rest” at that point I’m already over it. Here I am in pain, contractions every 3-4 minutes, I just wish this would go away. Friday night came, as much pain I’m in. We were able to have dinner at my grandma’s house. Dinner was not enjoyable because I was still contracting. The way I’d like to describe my contractions feels like my whole lower back is tighten and crushed together where my stomach felt rock hard at every contractions. I have not slept for 2 days because of these contractions. I kid you not, it was the most painful feeling ever. Saturday came and I’m still in pain. I really have no idea how I made it through the whole morning at home by myself with contractions every 3-5 minutes. Layne was at work and here I am at home wishing these contractions would go away, but it didn’t. I started to bleed again. at that moment I started freaking out. I called Layne and he calmed me down and told me to just keep an eye on it. although the bleeding stopped. The contractions were coming off stronger and stronger. By the time Layne got home, I was drowning in tears. The pain was so intense. This didn’t feel right. We rushed to kapiolani and guess what?! I’m 1.9 cm dilated and our baby is dropped real low into my uterus, which is why I’m getting intense contractions 😥 good news is apparently our baby is 2 weeks bigger then babies at 33 weeks. She’s a chubby baby 💕 O9.O9 ~ I’m admitted to kapiolani for observation for preterm labor. I was given 2x steroid shots for Riley’s lung development if she was to come out early and was offered morphine and nifedipine to help slow down the contractions and ease the pain. a day later I’m dilated to about 2 cm. contractions were slowing down with the help of nifedipine, the pain was bearable. We had a neonatologist stop by to talk to us about the NICU and covered all the questions we had if Riley was to come out early as a premature baby. Dr. Jack was awesome. Before he left he told us, hopefully he does not see us anytime sooner then Riley’s due date. I sure hope so too!! O9.1O~ Layne’s family had a planned baby shower for us 🎈🎁 I could not make it because I’m still admitted. I was so bummed out. Layne faced timed me while he was there with everyone. I’m so bummed I could not be there. Sadness overload 🙁 here I am still contracting but the contractions were bearable just because of the medications. The plan was to stop the nifedipine the following next day and see if my contractions will come back. O9.11~still admitted, still about 2cm dilated. stopped my last dose for nifedipine at night, I felt a little better. still contracting but pain is tolerable. Doctor OK’d for me to get discharge. Advised us that it’s okay to stay dilated and gave us instructions to come back if this or that happened. Believe me, I was so happy to go home. Ive been in and out of kapiolani multiple times for these contractions and had my cervix exam so many times by so many different resident doctors 🤦🏻‍♀️😐 I felt like a prisoner there. I felt so bad for Layne having to sleep on the uncomfortable couch. My poor baby. I was ready to go home!! So excited to leave 😌 We got discharge about 10 pm. Heading home, I started to feel the contractions again 😖 it was slowly creeping up on me. From 10 pm to 12pm, I started contracting so hard, so intensely, it was every 2 minutes. My stomach starts to tense up and that’s how I knew I was contracting. I could not lay down at all. As soon as I laid down I started contracting. I tried SO SO hard to tough it out. I did not want to bother Layne at all. My love was sleeping so soundly. I could not bare to wake him up. He’s been running around and taking care of me these past few days and I already feel bad as it is. I tried breathing in and out and relaxing through out the contractions, but it was so intense I could not do it. Around 3 am I could not take it anymore, I had to wake up Layne. Since the time we got home 10 pm to 3 am I was contracting every 2 minutes. I called the Physician’s exchange line and spoke to Dr. Sugibayashi to see what I should do. I was balling and drowning in tears. she advised me to go back to kapiolani. O9.12~ 4 am, back at it again to the ER. This time its official, I’m in preterm labor. I went from 2 cm last night to 3 cm. The contractions was so intense, so painful, it was unbearable. The doctor said my cervix is thinning out so quickly that the chances of me giving birth is high. She told me the best option for me at this point is to get an epidural. I told her straight up as much pain as I’m in, I do not want to get it. She then offered me fentanyle which can help with the pain but that does not last long. It will wear off within an hour. Here I am laying on the bed in pain, quick thought. I held off on it…. I was delirious at this point. I just wanted these contractions to go away. The more I wanted it to go away, the more it came creeping up on me. I was holding on to Layne’s hand in tears, wishing the pain would go away. I gave in to taking fentanyle. I wanted the easy way out even though it’s only for one hour. Getting an epidural was my very LAST resort. within a minute of getting the medication I felt my eyes rolling back, my whole body started to feel woozy. Not even 5 minutes in my contractions started creeping up on me. I was back in INTENSE contractions. That shit did not last an hour. Here I am again laying here in agony. I could not do it anymore. Couple hours past, my mind started to shut down and I gave in. I asked for the epidural shot. I turned to Layne for support and advice. He looked at me in my eyes and said to me, “it’s okay baby, just take it if you need to.” His words did it for me. I know it was hard on him seeing me lay there in pain and there’s nothing he could do to help. While getting the epidural Layne was asked to leave the room. The nurse said a lot of dad’s ends up fainting while watching, so now they’re not allowed in the room… 🤷🏻‍♀️ Getting the epidural was fast and quick. The anesthesiologist was super cool and thorough. I felt nothing but a pinch. I kid you not- not even close to a minute I no longer felt the contractions and my whole lower half went numb. Suddenly I felt so much tension release and I was able to lay there relaxed and calm. Several hours in, Dr. Sugibayashi stopped by to check up on me and checked my cervix. Guess what?! I’m dilated to 4 cm and my water broke the moment she stuck her hands in. Dr. Sugibayashi: “Yes! We’re having a baby today!” Believe it or not, I still can’t believe everything happened so quickly. I’m giving birth one month and couple weeks early!! So much was running in my head. I just want my baby to be healthy and okay. That’s all I ask for. My nurse was superior!! I couldn’t ask for a better nurse. She said to Layne and I, “baby will most likely arrive before lunch time with the contractions you’re having” Sure enough, one of the resident doctor checked my cervix again and I’m FULLY dilated. From 4cm to fully dilated within hours. How crazy is that?! We then started doing push trials by 10 AM. They paged for Dr. Sugibayashi and by the time she got there, we got the whole team inside the room about was 10-13 people in my room awaiting for Riley’s arrival. Here walks in Dr. Jack with a smile and look on his face like" here we meet again" Funny thing was we saw him the day before and he said hopefully he wont see us anytime soon. After some push trials and 3 sets of pushes, our baby girl was slowly making an exit out of the birth canal!! All I heard was Layne saying, “push hunny! she’s right there” Dr. Sugibayashi, “she has a lot of hair!” “Take a nice deep breath, next one we want you to have a baby” I seriously was pushing with all my might. My lower half was so numb that I could not feel if I was pushing or not. On my last set of push when the nurse said, “the baby’s heart rate is a little low so we need you push a little harder” that did it for me. with one last push, our baby girl arrived at 10:23 AM O9.12.17// 5 lbs and 14 oz! 💕👶🏻 the first thing I saw was her little tiny foot. that moment was beyond beautiful 💕 I can’t believe I just gave birth. Riley was then taken by Dr. Jack immediately for evaluation and daddy followed them to the NICU where Riley will be staying for several weeks. All I can say is child birth is hell of an experience!! Aftermath, placenta comes out, I’m all drugged up, got several stitches on my vagina, I’m so GLAD it’s over and done with 😌 we did it! I seriously don’t know what I’d do without Layne. I love him so much and I’m so thankful for him in every way. I’m seriously lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life and blessed with a beautiful daughter 💕 Thinking about child birth now I seriously would do it all over again 😌❤️