#bad louise lannes

[maggiec70]

Why did Louise Lannes devalue her husband so much? Almost like she had always hated him.

Louise didn't hate or even dislike Jean-Boy; she liked what he could--and did--provide her: wealth, social status, and children, although I suspect she would have much preferred to have the stork bring the kids to her instead of the usual method of obtaining children. She erased every trace of her husband that she could manage and thus began the family custom of distancing themselves from their illustrious ancestor. The reasons were simple: she was protecting what she had and what she intended to control herself, with her father's help or that of her close male relatives. The claim brought in 1809 and then again in 1814 by Jean-Claude Lannes for his portion of his father's estate opened up a whole host of serious for the Lovely Louise. First was the very real probability that Jean-Claude's claim was real because no one could prove he was not the marshal's son; Jean-Boy divorced his first wife, Polette, in 1800, but didn't declare Jean-Claude a bastard, a necessary legal step if he meant to disinherit the boy forever. Second, when Jean-Claude's claim was refiled in 1814 when Napoleon was safely out of the picture, or so Louise and her lawyers thought, the legal discrepancies of the divorce, as well as Jean-Claude's standing to bring the claim, were highlighted. Worse, combined with the questions that Jean-Claude's attorney raised regarding the legal inconsistencies of Jean-Boy's and Louise's civil wedding in September 1800, Louise was forced to realize that she and her children could not just be forced to allow Jean-Claude to inherit the title but also she and her five children could lose everything.

The sudden and quite inexplicable death of Jean-Claude in 1817 was the only thing that prevented a potentially awful scenario. The question of whether Louise had a hand in that remains open. It's entirely possible and certainly in keeping with her character since 1809, adding a layer of intrigue to her story. Thus, Louise wanted nothing tangible to remain after Jean-Boy's death; she was interested in hard cash that could be hidden in various ways and protected for her children. So she sold every house and every piece of property she could find, including the old bishop's palace in Lectoure that Jean-Boy bought in 1797 and stayed in every time he came home. Louise and her oldest son, Napoleon-August, the second duke, came to town in 1818 when she spent an hour handing the property over to the town. She never returned and didn't allow her children to visit. Only the third duke, Charles, the one who wrote a little biography of his grandfather, ever came to Lectoure. It's crucial to understand that Louise's actions were not mere whims, but strategic moves to maintain control over the ducal fortune. Her decisions were aimed at distancing herself and her children from Jean-Boy, thereby preventing any further 'unfortunate events' that could challenge her rights. I hope this rather lengthy explanation answers your question. There's a lot more where this came from.

[josefavomjaaga]

Marie Louise on the road (4)

The party has reached Anvers, and I feel like it begins to dawn on Marie Louise that she is not really on a sightseeing trip:

Thursday, 3rd May

On the 3rd, the Emperor went to visit the arsenal, the shipyards and the shops. I stayed at home to be bored by the ladies. I am much too uncouth to be able to stay a whole day in company, there is only the Duchess of Montebello whom I like to be with. She is natural and kind, instead of these ladies who are malicious and full of pretensions. [...]

Friday 4th May

On the 4th, the Emperor went to see another ship. I stayed at home again, my foot hurts too much to walk. As I was limping, I had a good reason not to dance [...].

The weather was very stormy all day, and they despaired of letting us leave. The next day the wind was against us, and we had to cross an inlet to go to Flushing.

Saturday 5th May

We had to be patient again on the 5th.

Ah, patience, Napoleon’s greatest strength!

The weather was very dark and the hurricane was very violent. The Emperor, who got bored of waiting, decided all of a sudden that we would go by land and that we would leave the next day at 5 o'clock in the morning, taking as few people as possible, clothes for two days and two services.

It was decided that only the King and Queen of Westphalia, the Viceroy, the Prince of Neufchatel and the Grand Marshal, the Duke of Istria, the Duchess of Montebello, Messieurs de Beauharnais and de Saint-Aignan, de Bondy and de Montaran would be present.

So, that’s Jérome and Catherine of Württemberg, Eugène, Berthier, Duroc (who will have to organize all this!), Bessières, Louise Lannes, and a couple of guys whose main job is to wear a pretty uniform. (Those, plus their valets, servants, maids, grooms, cooks and imperial kitchen staff, coachmen… I’m probably missing a couple of folks.) Sounds like lotsa fun.

Sunday 6th May

We left Antwerp on the 6th, 3 hours later than the Emperor had ordered (because with him this always happens). The beginning of the journey was quite pleasant [...].

Congratulations, ma’am, you start to sound like a true spouse. Marie Louise then describes the countrysides and adds, as an afterthought:

This country used to belong to Holland.

It did indeed, and Napoleon had only recently annexed it. According to Jérome’s wife Catherine of Württemberg, this was rather obvious by people’s lack of enthousiasm on seeing their emperor pass by. »The people regrets its former master.« (Louis Bonaparte)

The road became a little worse every moment, the sand was so deep that 12 or 16 horses had to be harnessed to each carriage and in spite of this we only went at a trot. [...] As we use peasants' horses, everyone wants to get on his own horse and we sometimes have as many postilions as horses. [...] When we want to force them to go faster, they cry over the fate of these animals and if we press them too much they de-harness, take off with their horses and leave you there in the middle of the sand. This happened to several carriages in our suite.

Lunch time was long past, it was nearly two o'clock, and the Emperor wouldn't allow me to eat in the carriage, and for good reason; he said that a woman should never have to eat. The anger caused by these fine arguments, combined with the hunger, gave me such a terrible headache that when I arrived in Breda at 4 o'clock, I saw the moment when I would be obliged to stay on the road, but the Emperor, who treated us like grenadiers, forced us to carry on after his lunch.

[...] I was in such a bad mood that the Emperor got angry, but I didn't care and I let him scold at his leisure, without answering him. There is nothing that quiets men as much as this means, they are unbearable beings, so if I ever return to another world, I will certainly not remarry.

Which does not lack a certain irony coming from a woman who did not manage to be without a partner for longer than a couple of months and married thrice...

(And just in case somebody wondered, yes, this is the same journey that at one point saw Eugène take a morning jog through town in his underwear. But there’s still some fun before that.)

[elisabeth515]

(Some) Greek Gods as Historical Figures

So some days ago I secretly logged back into Mythology and Cultures amino and I stumbled across post of casting historical figures as the gods from Greek mythology. Of course, I hated it, so I made my version of this.

Note: Of course, this is going to have quite a lot of Napoleonic figures, since I am more familiar of this period, but please do reblog this post (or tag me on another post) with the hashtag “#mythical figures as historical people” and add some more of your historical figure Greek God fancasts!

Note 2: this post is for entertaining purpose, and just me introducing some guys to y’all and I am not a historian myself and hopefully you all would still like my takes😅

1. Zeus - Louis XIV of France

First and foremost, I shall introduce the king of gods featured in Greco-Roman myths. You may ask, why don’t I cast Henry VIII of England? Well, my reason is very simple: Henry is far from accurate to Zeus in actual myths.

To be honest, Zeus has a more “absolute power” energy in it, and Louis XIV totally has rocked it (like that iconic line “l’état, c’est moi (I am the state)”). Well, Henry also has that kind of energy but everyone only remembers his six wives and the uncountable number of bloodshed (not to mention Catherine of Aragon is a much better fighter than him—got this from Horrible Histories OwO)... Anyways, Louis XVI is basically a Zeus.

2. Hera - Catherine of Aragon

This brings to Catherine of Aragon herself. She’s a total Q U E E N and if you have watched “Six” the musical you already got what I mean (like, being the wife who married to Henry the longest). There’s also the early warlike aspect in Hera (featured in Homer’s works) that Catherine has it as well (at least you know that she’s getting more victories than Henry if you have watched Horrible Histories season 6, in the episode with Rowan Atkinson playing Henry VIII (which is sad because I want Ben Willbond to play him—he iconic to the HH fandom)), making her a great casting of Hera.

Hera, in my opinion, is a very strong woman who has to take Zeus’s shit and I could totally understand why she took revenge on the girls that Zeus has slept with—but anyways, hopefully you guys would like it :3

3. Aphrodite - Pauline Bonaparte

This is half-self-explanatory, really—just look at that statue she posed as Venus, the Roman equivalent of Aphrodite.

Pauline was famed for her beauty in her time, also a big chunk of scandals from her affairs (which bugs her big brother Napoleon, a lot). Nevertheless, despite her big spending habits and a great sexual appetite, she always helped Napoleon in some surprising ways (like she sold her house in Paris to the Duke of Wellington to get the funds for Napoleon).

Just like Aphrodite herself, Pauline harnessed her beauty very well. Thus, I rest my case.

4. Apollo - Joachim Murat or Emperor Franz Joseph I of Austria

(Warning: long content ahead)

Firstly, let me briefly introduce them because you guys might not know them much.

Joachim Murat was a marshal of France, also one of Napoleon’s brother-in-law, grand duke of Berg and Cleves from 1806 to 1808 and the King of Naples from 1808 to 1815. After the wars, he attempted to escape yet was caught and executed in 1815 in Pizzo, Italy (if you have read of Alexandre Dumas’s “Famous Crimes” you might know him—by the way no one has cut his head off and sent it to that big nose King Ferdinand).

For those who have watched “Elisabeth” or the “Sissi” movies, you might know Franz Joseph I of Austria already but you might not know much about himself besides being the husband of the (in)famous Empress Sisi (ie. Empress Elisabeth of Austria). He was the Emperor of the Austria from 1848 to his death in 1916—one of the longest reigning European monarchs in history. During his reign, the empire had been through a lot of change, most notably, the creation of Austria-Hungary. Nevertheless, he was also the Emperor who started World War I and he died of old age in the midst of the Great War.

For Apollo, I’m not casting musicians because this is quite overdone. I rather want to shed a light to the other arts that he represented in Greco-Roman mythology. This makes me want to draw a parallel to Joachim Murat as he was also a great sucker of classical literature. Plus, he also was known to be a flamboyant dresser (his nickname was “the Dandy King” by the way), also the designer of the uniforms of the Neapolitan army (with an excessive amount of amaranth, perhaps his favourite colour). Really, everyone just sees him as a great flamboyant himbo but in reality, he’s iconically badass in the battlefield as the First Horseman of Europe. Well, also he’s known for being extremely good with women even though his wife Caroline was fierce as hell. So, in my opinion, he fits the image of Apollo that we know.

However, you guys might feel surprised why I picked Franz Joseph for Apollo. Well, he really... was a rather mediocre ruler in my opinion, and perhaps our most memorable image of him was the senile emperor who signed the declaration of war to Serbia. Nevertheless, he was a well-liked man among his subjects, at least to some old citizens of Austria-Hungary telling future generations. Besides, culture flourished in Vienna under his reign—with notable figures like Sigmund Freud, Ludwig Wittgenstein and Erwin Schrödinger. Despite the series of unfortunate events which made the empire started to crumble, Austria-Hungary arguably has its cultural importance in Europe. Sounds like what Apollo would do if he’s a ruler, somehow.

Well, enough of his political achievements, let’s talk about his private life... which was probably the actual reason why I picked him.

Enter Duchess Elisabeth in Bavaria, the Empress of Austria and Queen of Hungary, also known as Sisi.

On a side note, Marshal Louis-Alexandre Berthier of France, Prince of Neufchâtel and of Wargram, was Empress Sisi’s grand-uncle in-law via his marriage to Duchess Maria Elisabeth in Bavaria

Absolutely love Pia as Elisabeth in the musical so please don’t mind me using a gif from this :3 ((also, “Elisabeth” spoiler alert

Franz originally was to marry her sister Helene (nicknamed Néné), nevertheless, on the first meeting in Bad Ishl, he has fallen for the young Elisabeth, head over heels—making him defying his domineering mother, Archduchess Sophie, for the very first time. Elisabeth also liked him and did not expressed her refusal either, so they got married in St. Augustine’s Church in 29th April, 1854.

However, the marriage was not well. Sisi was not accustomed to the strict Austrian court especially Archduchess Sophie (also she was not really a fan of intimacy). Poor Franz was rather helpless in situations between his mother and his wife, and eventually, Sisi chose her freedom over her duty as Empress, traveling around the world. They two briefly went back together during the Austro-Hungarian compromise, yet she was constantly not there. Eventually, Sisi was assassinated by an anarchist named Luigi Lucheni during her stay in Geneva, Switzerland, and Franz was devastated over her death (“she will never know how much I love her”).

To Franz, he loved her so, but he really didn’t understand her needs. Even though he had countless mistresses and female companions in Vienna, he still missed his wife. I say, he was really unlucky when it comes to love. Like Apollo himself, he dated countless nymphs and humans, but a lot of his notable relationships did not have a good end. (Probably Cyrene was the most lucky one, yet she also has chosen to be left alone after mothering several children with Apollo.) For this, I picked Franz Joseph as Apollo.

5. Ares - Jean Lannes or Michel Ney

As usual, for those who don’t know much history, I shall briefly introduce my babeys these two great soldiers.

Jean Lannes was one of the marshals of Napoleon, known for being one of Napoleon’s closest friends and his fiery personality, and is considered one of the best marshals of the 1st French Empire. His finest moments including the Battle of Ratisbon in which he led his men to storm the well-guarded city with ladders (hence his nickname “ladder lord” in our very humble Napoleonic marshalate fandom :3). Sadly, he died of the wound he received in the battle of Aspern-Essling in 1809.

Michel Ney was also one of the marshals of Napoleon, known for his extreme valour (yep, he is known as the “Bravest of the Brave”). As you might know, he was one of the marshals who was in Waterloo, yet, his finest hour was during the retreat from Russia in the disasterous 1812. Sadly, he was arguably the most prominent victim of the White Terror under the second Bourbon restoration, executed in 1815 (**I am not accepting any kind of conspiracy theories of my babey survived and died in America😤).

Speaking of Ares, I have a lot of things to say (that’s my dad ;-; no jkjk). He is really not that bloodthirsty idiot who casually hates humans. Well, he’s more like a fiery dork and a man who was very faithful to his lovers, and fights very well (by the way also one of the best dads). So, the bois that come into my mind are automatically two of the most courageous marshals of France.

Lannes, if I have to get him a godly parent, it would definitely Ares. He resembled the god a lot (also I sometimes imagined Ares as a smol bean with dark hair), probably looks the most like Ares himself. He got that fiery temper, that faithfulness to his wife Louise, also being a very courageous fighter in the field—well he literally was like, “NO LEMME STORM DAT CITY *grabs ladder*”.

There you have it, my big bro our ladder lord Jean Lannes who can pull off a perfect Ares.

Ney is like a slightly introverted (and mature) version of an Ares person. You can guess his temper already through his famed auburn hair, and indeed despite his shy exterior his temper sometimes was a bit explosive, and a bit impatient (which was somehow one of his fatal flaws). He was a great fighter, known as a skilled swordsman in his youth. And you all know how brave he is in his famed epithet. Michel Ney is purely badass (and C U T E) you know (and he needs a lot of hugs because he has really been though a lot in the wars, and was a possible case of PTSD which was shown in his arguably suicidal behaviour during the battle of Waterloo). That’s why I casted him as the Greek god Ares OwO

//

And there you have it, my interpretations on the Greek gods via people in history. I originally would like to include more but somehow I realised that I have written too much about my picks. So, if you want to add more, reblog this post or tag me on the post you made on this topic (and please use the hashtag “mythical figures as historical people” so that I could look into your choices via the search bubble on this app🥺).

Last but not the least, I hope you all lovelies like this, also have learnt something new via my brief introductions on some historical people. Have a great day!

[joachimnapoleon]

How the (Quarantined) Murats broke the Internet (and Lannes). [Part 2/2]

Hello all! Here is the second half of my and @histoireettralala‘s AU on our Trifecta in Quarantine.  (Part 1 can be found here.) ^_^

***

Caroline groggily plops into her desk chair, yawning in between sips of her morning coffee as she waits for her laptop to start up. She smiles at the sound of the sewing machine running from across the hall; Joachim is already hard at work making a new batch of masks for their friends and family. He has become quite determined, he informed her this morning, to make as many as he can, now that he's discovered he has such a talent for it.

She is secretly relieved that he has developed such a liking for this new hobby. Joachim has been delighted to be able to spend so much more time with the kids since the office temporarily closed, but at the same time... she knew her husband well enough by now to sense his restlessness. Joachim has always been bursting with energy and a perpetual need to be doing Something Important--not unlike Napoleon himself. Sitting at home for days on end, feeling useless, was simply unbearable for him.

Now, he has a purpose again, and she can already see the effect it is having on her husband, the added spark in his eye, the renewed spring in his step. And, she thinks, I've gotten an adorable new video out of it to add to my collection.

Caroline takes another sip of coffee as her YouTube page loads.

She nearly chokes on the hot liquid in her surprise.

Since she went to bed last night, her video of Joachim sewing with Letitia has accumulated... 12,184 views. There are hundreds of new comments and subscribers.

Caroline blinks. She figured Paulette and Josephine would be able to give it a nice boost, but... wow.

She refreshes the page.

12,192.

She refreshes it again.

12,203.

She decides to take a look at some of the top-rated comments.

@napoleon, 12:03: Well this was most... unexpected. So, when can I expect my masks?

@j.poniatowski, 1:05: MY DUDE

@ney, 12:17: very sweet, and kudos on not hurting yourself yet joachim

@bakingsoult, 3:27: maybe we can make a deal, fresh cookies of your choice for masks? PM me

@elisa.bacchiochi, 2:08: CAROLINE WE ALL NEED MORE OF THIS PLZ

@augereau, 4:02: My dear Murat, I think we could do a very lucrative business together; give me a call if you're interested.

@jeanlannes, 12:54: O___O

The majority of the comments, though, are from total strangers, many of whom have felt compelled to comment on the physical beauty of Caroline's husband. It would take far too long to go through them all and filter out the ones that go a little too far, especially as new comments are constantly being added to the thread. She sighs. At least most of them seem to be wholesome enough. And, anyway, it isn't like Caroline isn't used to this by now.

After finishing her coffee and refreshing the page one more time--the video is now up to slightly over 14,000 views--Caroline grabs her camera.

She has an audience to please.

***

[Three days later]

Lannes is not happy.

Aside from being bored to death right now as a result of so many days pent up inside, the masks he ordered from Amazon still haven't arrived, and wearing them is now required in order to go anywhere. The family's groceries are running low (except for their toilet paper; Lannes had made sure to buy twelve 24-packs of that once this whole thing had started, a foresight of which he was extremely proud). How is he supposed to go grocery shopping now without the requisite mask?

To make matters worse, Murat had entirely abandoned him for the past couple nights. Lannes is deeply wounded by this. How could his best friend just up and forget about two straight Skype cocktail hours? Especially when he knew perfectly well that they were the only thing keeping Lannes sane at this point? Even a flurry of furious text messages had failed to impress upon Murat the gravity of his neglectfulness.

Ten minutes later, a "sorry lol" was the verbatim response Lannes had received, followed shortly after by a "super busy" and then a "maybe this weekend idk". Murat had not even had the decency to reply to Lannes' ensuing "WTF".

If I don't get out of this house soon, I'm going to lose my mind, Lannes thinks.

He grabs his cellphone and dials the one man capable of helping him in this crisis.

"What in God's name is it today, Lannes?" a weary Larrey asks after the seventh ring.

"Doc!!! Do you have any spare masks?"

"I've already told you three times I don't!"

"How can you still not have any though? YOU'RE A DOCTOR!!!"

"That's correct; I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker. The mask demand has far outpaced the supply right now. Have you tried asking Murat?"

Lannes blinks, uncomprehending. "Ask... Murat...?"

"Yeah, I've gotta give it to him, he's been making some excellent quality masks!" Larrey exclaims. "I'm actually wearing one right now."

Lannes doesn't know how to even begin to process this statement. His arm holding the phone goes slack; the phone drops from a limp hand to the carpeted floor.

Everything Lannes knows is wrong.

Well, except one thing: he needs alcohol.

A lot of alcohol.

Now.

He heads towards the kitchen.

"Lannes?" the voice of Larrey calls through the abandoned phone. "Are you still there?? Lannes???"

***

Ney stares at himself in the mirror, studying his new mask. Murat had delivered it to him personally earlier this morning, along with a set of masks for Aglaé and all their children.

"Letitia picked the fabric for your mask personally," Murat had said with a wink.

"Well, I hope you'll give her my thanks. Tell her she has very good taste."

A giant image of the perpetually scowling Grumpy Cat covers Ney's mask.

Aglaé appears behind him in the mirror. Appraising her mask-clad husband for a moment, she nods approvingly.

"It suits you perfectly, my love."

Her husband's mouth might be covered by the mask, but Aglaé isn't fooled. His smile is betrayed by his eyes.

***

[Three weeks later]

Fifty-thousand subscribers.

And Caroline is only just getting started. A prominent blog had e-mailed her this morning about doing an article on Joachim's mask-making venture. Shortly afterwards, a local news channel had called to inquire about conducting a Skype interview with Joachim (and would it be possible for little Letitia to be present too?). Joachim had been reluctant to leave his work--there were still so many masks he needed to make!!--but Caroline had convinced him it would be for the Greater Good.

At Pauline's suggestion, she had monetized the YouTube channel yesterday morning.

Joachim enters Caroline's office, carrying Louise in his arms. Caroline greets them warmly.

"Did Napoleon like his new mask?" Joachim asks.

The last video Caroline had uploaded had been of Joachim and Letitia making Napoleon's mask, complete with her brother's signature "N" ornately embroidered by Joachim himself. His skills were progressing at a surreal pace. Imagining the look on Madame Campan's face at the sight of Joachim's meticulous sewing and craftsmanship, Caroline makes a mental note to forward the video link to her former mentor. See?! Caroline imagines herself screaming triumphantly at the haughty old woman. I was right about him all along!!!

"Napoleon said, and I quote: 'Tell him it's really not bad at all.'" She gives him a knowing smile.

Joachim beams. He's fluent enough in Napoleonese to know that this is high praise indeed.

***

[One month later]

Two-hundred-fifty-thousand subscribers.

Caroline's latest video--Joachim teaching Lannes to use the sewing machine--is shaping up to be their biggest hit yet. (She'd had to implore the two to keep their language as clean as possible; this is a family-friendly blog and besides that, it simply wouldn't do to put the ad revenue at risk). Her viewers couldn't get enough of Letitia and Louise laughing in the background at the struggles of their grumbling Uncle Jean to figure out "this demonic device" (as he called it). But Joachim was a patient teacher, and eventually Lannes had succeeded at making his very first mask. The video culminated triumphantly with him holding the mask aloft towards the camera like a hard-won battle trophy, as Letitia and Louise cheered and Joachim glowed with pride.

Now, Joachim is beginning to experiment with increasingly ornate embroideries and higher quality materials.

"Just because it's for a pandemic," he insists, "doesn't mean it can't be fashion."

***

[Three months later]

One million subscribers.

"Vogue?" Pauline's tone is one of total disbelief.

"Vogue," Caroline affirms.

"THE Vogue?" Elisa presses.

"Yes."

"And he's going to be... on the cover?"

"Yes."

"On the cover of Vogue."

"Yes."

"THE Vogue."

"Yes."

***

[One year later]

Five million subscribers.

Caroline parks her new cobalt blue Maserati, grabs her Louis Vuitton handbag off the seat, and heads into the house.

Joachim is in his design room, hard at work as always. He greets her with a kiss.

"How's it coming?" she asks.

"Pretty good, I think. Maybe another week or so and everything will be wrapped up."

After months of hitting the runways and photo studios of some of the most famous designers in America and Europe in the aftermath of the pandemic, Joachim has decided to pursue his long-cherished dream of putting out his very own clothing line--for both adults and children. So far, their videos of Achille, Letitia, Lucien, and Louise parading around and posing in their dazzling new haute couture outfits were proving to be immensely popular.

They have been floating the idea of live-streaming a fashion show to launch the new line; the participants would be their friends and family. So far, Lannes, Jerôme, Pauline, Elisa, Eugène, Lasalle, Bessières, and Poniatowski have all volunteered. Lannes' runway walk needs serious, serious work, but there's still plenty of time.

Of course, the children all want to participate in the show too, and how can Joachim possibly say no?

***

[Six months later]

Napoleon hates shopping. Primarily because Josephine always spends obscene amounts of money--really, if anybody ever found out just how many pairs of gloves she has--he lets out a sigh. It isn't just about the money though. Shopping for clothes is always such a hassle. Napoleon is a simple man with simple tastes. No frills, no feathers, no silly ornamentation--unlike some people. He just wants something nice and comfortable. Something breathable. Something that doesn't cut off the circulation in his arms or legs.

So of course, he has to live in the age of... skinny jeans. A crime against God and man. If he was in charge, he'd criminalize the horrid things. Of course, his ludicrous brother-in-law doesn't mind them. Murat is always delighted to have an excuse to show off those perfectly chiseled thighs of his.

"Napoleon! Come over here!!" Josephine calls. "I've found something you might like!"

I highly doubt it. He sighs again, but proceeds in the direction of her voice.

***

[The following afternoon]

Napoleon and Josephine arrive at the Murats' monthly garden party. Caroline has been renovating the place obsessively for the past few months; the spacious property now has a massive heated outdoor pool and vast gardens full of exotic plants and flowers. To the house itself, has been added a large marble terrace.

All this because she didn't want to learn how to sew, Napoleon marvels. He wonders how Madame Campan is processing it all.

Joachim and Caroline see the newly-arrived couple and hurry over to greet them.

Joachim's greeting cuts off in mid-sentence. His eyes are locked onto Napoleon's shirt.

"You're... wearing..."

"Yes. You know, it's really not bad at all, Joachim. You should make more like this." He gives Joachim's ear his signature tweak, before continuing on towards the food table.

Caroline giggles at the sight of her husband stricken speechless--the rarest of rare events.

"Come, my love," she takes his hand. "Let's go celebrate our success."

[THE END]

[maggiec70]

what did Louise Lannes do then for you to have such a low opinion of her?

Why I Dislike/Disapprove of/Loathe/Condemn The Lovely Louise

!800 – 1809: Greed, Pettiness, and Bargain-Basement Bourgeois Mentality

She had the intellectual curiosity of a housefly and the education of the lowest of the bourgeoisie. Not surprising since her mother home-schooled her in the basics, and she had one year only with Madame Campan.

She was greedy and overly fond of collecting trinkets, ornaments, and similar items of no particular quality or style. She demanded, with some degree of shrill relentlessness, plenty of money to pay for all her crap.

She was often unrelenting in her demands for all sorts of things: that her brother be promoted to Lannes’ premier aide-de-camp; that her brother-in-law be promoted to head of V Corps’ engineers; that her father be given a higher-paying, more prestigious position in the imperial bureaucracy. She managed to give blatant nepotism a bad name.

She refused to be social. Ever. She hated the Imperial Court functions and refused to go, using the kinds as an excuse. She didn’t want Lannes to go either, and when he went because Napoleon expected him to, she engaged in monumental pouts. The myths that she was always so lovely, graceful, and sweet on these occasions were just that—myths.

She had two close—unhealthily close—friends, the slimy Dr. Corvisart, whom her equally slimy father introduced to Napoleon, and a second-rate perennially off-duty chevalier. No women friends of any rank. Just as well, because according to almost all the extant memoirs, no woman of any rank liked her, apparently able to see through the “I’m so sweet and demur” act.

She never went to Lectoure, Lannes’ hometown, and threw a real bitch fit when he wanted to go or went without her “approval” simply because he wanted to see his father and his siblings, and a lot of friends.

She insisted if they visited anyone, carting the kids with them, it was only and always to see her family. Full stop.

1809-1822: Treachery, Treason, Malfeasance, and Suspicious Death

She had to deal with claims from Lannes’ first wife, the much-maligned Polette Meric, on behalf of her son, Jean-Claude, until Naps ended that by a sharp letter to Cambaceres.

She actually went to the Tuileries to demand that Naps grant—posthumously, of course—the title “Prince of Seviers” so she could be a for-real princess just like Mesdames Massena, Berthier, and so forth and so on. She threw a significant shit-storm when Naps refused, and he reminded her that Lannes never applied for the letters patent because he didn’t care about the title, so she shouldn’t either.

No one—literally, no one other than Naps—thought she was a suitable choice for Marie-Louise. The historical record is replete with examples from the folks surrounding Marie-Louise, who was no winner herself.

She and her partner in crime, Dr. Corvisart, worked to insinuate themselves into M-L’s life so that when 1814 arrived, they could work to keep her away from Naps.

She made sure, as her letters show, that M-L and Naps II went back to Vienna, accompanied by her soon-to-be lover, Count Neipperg.

She offered her mansion that Lannes had bought and paid for to Wellesley for his headquarters. He refused, graciously, it is said.

Her parents immediately pledged their loyalty to Louis XVIII.

She lawyered up for the next legal battle with Polette, now that Naps was out of the picture.

She went into higher gear after Waterloo, now with nothing to stop her other than Jean-Claude’s attorney, who began to show that her marriage and Lannes’ divorce from Polette were riddled with illegal points.

Jean-Claude died in mysterious circumstances in November 1817. He had never been ill, and died three days after contracting an unknown illness. This has always been suspicious for obvious reasons.

She packed up the kids and went to Lectoure in 1818—she stayed in Auch, however, about 20 miles south—and, in a large PR event, donated Lannes’ house to the town. She never returned nor allowed any of the kids to return.

To be fair, which I always try to do regarding interpreting historical facts and figures, read Regis Bob-Crepy’s bio of Louise. His family married into hers back in the day before she married Lannes, and he is remarkably talented in glorifying his view of Louise. Besides the sheer comedic value for me, the best thing about his book is the letters he uses, which were/are maintained in the family’s hands and never before shared. Of course, we cannot know if others shed a different light on the subject. Given the family’s cavalier and almost criminal way they have treated anything to do with Lannes, his possessions, or his legacy, opting instead for celebrating their ties with the de Broglies and the Berthiers, I can almost guarantee that any shred of anything detrimental about Louise disappeared ages ago.

I have often sneered at the men who wrote biographies and articles about Lannes buying the Louise myth in its totality. But then, the poor dears simply can’t see things that are very clear to us.

Hope this answers your question.

[maggiec70]

so what do you think happened with “Lovely Louise”? was she unfaithful to lannes?

Infidelity was never one of Loulou's failings. She was the original Snow Queen who was rather frigid, to be honest, and on a few levels other than just sexual. Based on what I've learned over the decades and endless discussions with like-minded souls, she was fond of her five children and extremely controlling of every aspect of their lives as long as she could do so. However, if she had acquired her children in any way other than the obvious manner, she would have cheerfully done so.

I also believe she was more than happy to be a widow and was determined to refuse any marriage proposal, including the one from Ferdinand VII of Spain, made through the auspices of Louis XVIII. That would have been quite the match; they would have driven each other batshit crazy.

[maggiec70]

I heard somewhere that Louise Lannes tried to demand a sable coat from Russia. Is that true? It sounds like she had expensive tastes.

Tsar Alexander sent Napoleon three sable "shawls" as a gift sometime after Naps married Marie-Louise; the exact date that the sable wraps arrived varies depending on whose account you read.

And yes, LouLou literally demanded not one of these furry waps but all three. She didn't get any of them. I told you she was a greedy little bitch.

[maggiec70]

From The Times, July 1, 1815

This little snippet came from my bestie who has collected these sorts of little gems since forever--well, since 1987, which is long enough--and shares them with me whenever we launch into one of our "What if...?" or "Do you think...? regarding the Lovely Louise and her five little rugrats. But this one is useful as an exemplar of the apparent precursor to The Daily Mail regarding gaslighting, invective, and just plain lies. The slime tossed at Hortense is particularly amusing, as well as the mention of Savary's wife and the Lovely Louise. Those of you who know about Hortense, please jump in. For context: this refers to the disruptions post-Waterloo.

From The Times, 1 July 1815:

“Among the shameless women, who have had a great share in the late atrocious conspiracy, is the wife of Lous Buonaparte, who, by the liberality of the King, was allowed to bear the title of Duchess of St. Leu, with a large revenue: which with the basest ingratitude she dedicated to the fomenting of those treasons that led to the late bloody scenes. This woman is noticed to be still at Malmaison.

“We trust that she, as well as the soi-disant duchesses of Rovigo, Montebello, &c., at whose houses the late plots were formed, will be sent to end their days at the House of Correction, with the females whom they resemble in depravity.

“We some time ago spoke of sending these worthless people of both sexes to Botany Bay; but a correspondent justly observes, that this would be to endanger the morals of our own transports who, however degraded in character here, still retain something of English feeling, and are strangers to that extreme turpitude which marks the heroes and heroines of the Revolutionary drama. The hopes held out by the Rebel Government of rallying the troops are exceedingly slight.”

[maggiec70]

I saw someone in the Napoleonic community say that because you dislike Louise Lannes = hating women. I don't think defending a privileged woman like Louise Lannes is worth it but whatever makes them feel better.

I did not see that comment, and if I had, I would have responded directly to that misguided soul, and it would not have been pretty.

[maggiec70]

What did Louise Lannes do to Jean-Claude Lannes?

Do you want to know what documentary evidence and contemporaneous letters and memoirs say she did, or all that plus what I believe she actually did to him?

[maggiec70]

oh man, you hate Louise Lannes for literally everything. Even such small things as choosing names for her children as Alfred, Ernest and Olivier-Gustave, which cannot even be called bad.

What exactly causes such strong dislike which I'll be honest often seems more irrational than not? I am ready to bet my life, that Louise wasn't an angel most people think she was, but it comes off that you are ready to hate her even for her eyebrows

"Hatred" is too strong a word, and not at all accurate for my collection of feelings for The Lovely Louise. I will, however, grant you that I dislike her generally, think she is easy to laugh at and mock, hold her in contempt for several issues, dismiss her as petty, greedy, spiteful, and intellectually bankrupt--and I do not mean in terms of education.

I am sorry you think my opinions are somehow "irrational," but they are based on more years of research and analysis than you can imagine. It is certainly true that I intend to take aim at the one-dimensional view of Louise perpetuated by centuries of biographers and historians who never bothered to look much beyond Laure Junot's drug-induced memoirs that were nauseatingly laudatory regarding Louise, referring to her as lovely as a madonna, with the personality to match.

But I will say that the primary reasons that Louise is more accurately the Black Widow than anything remotely resembling a madonna are these: her behavior as Marie-Louise's dame d'honneur, where her conduct was anything but honorable; her whiplash turn to the Bourbons the minute after Napoleon's 1814 abdication, and offering her house to Wellington as his headquarters, together with other offers of assistance to the Allies; her strong-arming Marie-Louise into abandoning Napoleon; and finally, her actions regarding Jean-Claude Lannes. There is much more, but that is it for the moment.

[josefavomjaaga]

Marie Louise on the road (11)

We’re quickly approaching the end of Marie Louise’s diary, I fear. This is probably the pre-to-last installment.

Thursday, May 10th

I did not wake up on the 10th until noon, and the Emperor pleasantly surprised us by saying that he wanted to take us out at 2 o'clock to see the ocean. [He gave us an appointment at the Haag fort at three o'clock]. The Queen of Westphalia kept me waiting for more than an hour, which caused me to be at least as impatient as she was. I was so angry thinking of the anger the Emperor would have against me if I did not arrive, that I was in a bad mood all day.

This reminds me of an unusually harsh letter Duroc wrote a couple of weeks earlier to somebody about how a particular task needed to be accomplished faster, because if it didn’t »this will put His Majesty in a bad mood, and he will take it out on me again.« - It seems Marie Louise had already joined all the other people trembling before the imperial master and his whims. (Lannes, you’re missed!)

I am usually a good person, perhaps too weak, [...]

Perhaps.

[...] but when I get angry (as I very rarely do), I am perhaps much meaner than other women. [...]

We arrived at four o'clock at the Fort of Haag, behind which are the dunes. These are sand hills of various shapes. In spite of that, we could see the little points of the masts which told us that the sea was not far away. As I was very impatient at not being able to see it at once, whilst we waited, we had some cream given to us, which is excellent in this country, and which is kept in green bottles of a singular composition.

So, what do you do to distract the kids if they don’t stop asking »Are we there yet?« Give them a treat. Apparently in Marie Louise’s case, it worked.

The Emperor wanted to show us the ocean at once, but the dunes were impassable at that place, and we were obliged to mortify our impatience by taking another two-hour drive to find a place where we could climb. At last we found it and I was very surprised to find my leg buried halfway in the sand. Each step cost us so much effort, but it was nothing for such intrepid travellers as we were, so we were well rewarded by the beautiful view we discovered when we reached the top of the hills.

We saw the ocean, which appeared as a huge surface of water bounded only by the horizon. The sun was setting, colouring the sea like a rainbow. In the distance we saw a few fishing boats returning from their journey, protected by a sloop. They are obliged to send one with them, for the English permit themselves to abuse the poor when they take their fish and do not pay them. The sea was very calm, except on the shore where it broke with quite some force against the rocks.

I’ve quoted this paragraphie in its entirety because I think Marie Louise’s excitement at seeing the sea really comes across here. You can really tell how enchanted she is. And you have to admit that, for once, Napoleon has been very considerate towards the ladies in taking them on such a delightful pleasure tri...

The Emperor had maps brought to him and conferred with the engineers.

Oh. Okay then.

The Queen of Westphalia and I amused ourselves by collecting the shells that covered the shores of the sea. There were some charming ones, but it is said that those of the Mediterranean and the Indies are infinitely more beautiful. The shells, together with the unhealthy air, caused me, thanks to the King's malice, three attacks of fever.

I’m not sure what she’s referring to here. »Le Roi«, the King, could only mean Jérôme. But I’m unsure what he has to do with it, unless Marie Louise means that it had been him who had prevented Catherine from showing up on time, thus causing her to be in a bad mood and all out of breath all day.

But Jérôme is not the only one to play tricks on unsuspecting empresses:

In the midst of our amusement, I saw that the Viceroy and the Duke of Istria [Eugène and Bessières] looked at us in a very peculiar manner, and laughed at us a lot. I did not have time to ask them why when the sea came in with such force, faster than we could flee, and drenched us to our knees. Fortunately it returned as quickly as it had come. They explained to us that this was the ordinary effect of the tide, but the gentlemen might well have been gallant enough to warn us in advance.

Can anybody else picture those two overgrown schoolboys standing on the dune, looking down on the beach, grinning from ear to ear and waiting for the first large wave to come in (»Three - two - one - YES!«), before dutifully hurrying to the ladies' rescue once those were properly drenched? (»Gotta wait until the damsel is truely in distress before showing up as her knight in shining armour, that's how it works.«)

We abandoned our search and went to ask the Emperor for permission to change. The answer was »stay, ladies, this bath will do you good«, and he made us wait until eight o'clock. [...]

And here we go again. The master has spoken.