#bc I wanted to go back to sleep so badly even though I slept 9 hours

[thursdayg1rl]

Not actually a bad day today

[mackleboar]

Having a tumblr is cool bc I can in fact just whine about my divorce into the void and no one has to know. That it’s me, that I’m whining… whatever

The reasons are sound. They’re good reasons. There is no way that right now we’d be able to fix what we need to fix while holding each other up bc the ways that we hold each other up are 1. Sometimes toxic and 2. Sunken into our flesh as part of our support. Like trees that ate a fence.

Like trees that ate each other. Lol

And I need so much self fixing. It’s like the drinking where like as long as drinking’s the problem you don’t have to look at you. And as long as they’re mentally ill (spoiler, it’s for forever) I don’t have to look at me.

I haven’t been having as much trouble staying sober the last few weeks. And I’ve felt more crazy but that doesn’t feel bad. And I’ve seen more things more clearly because of how bad I’ve felt. And that works too.

I don’t want anyone in my life that I don’t want to be family. And I want to be able to work through shit early. And I want people who make me feel brave.

Us together didn’t feel brave. Not because leavings hard. It is. But it didn’t feel brave because I was compromising my bravery to make them feel safe. And the walls kept closing in because that is… impossible.

We’re both going to have to face ourselves in different ways on this side. I am going to have to become someone I actually like and trust and give time and attention to. Which doesn’t sound like much but feels impossible. I’m going to have to become the person I rely on instead of the person someone else relies on, that feels unhinged. Like who would do that for me? Who would care unconditionally?

It’ll have to be me. And pre divorce I guess that sounded like pouring from an empty cup. Like it was so insulting, I was furious at the thought. Now it just sounds impossible. And THAT my friends is progress

The grief comes both at random and every night at like 9:36 PM. And there’s something so sweet about that because the consistent thing that I hated and that kept me so much healthier is that they had to go to bed so fucking early. And so that would have been like wind down time. And I think that was their time to just be, and so I got to just be next to them. Which didn’t happen much. And I hadn’t thought about it til now but I think my body knows. I miss that. I mean it has to have been regulating. Especially since I was the only one who slept.

When we got back from the break and we’re living together again I would sleep. Right away.

That’s probably the first thing I should try to give myself. The gift of not working late. Even though so much of me so badly wants to all the time. But that’s not a person I can trust, right. That voice. That voice is a teenager. A 16 year old.

It’s so hard because the thing that drove me, initially, was that I had a sudden loss of trust in them and a sudden sense they didn’t care. And then the breakup and the fallout. But after that, living with them, was like getting to see the other side of attachment. And it had been since before Covid, but I remember that side coming out the year after phoenix and the revelations etc. I had forgotten what that felt like. But it was in there, it’s not like it was a lie.

I don’t like to think about it too long because I don’t want to regret. But like if we take the pandemic as a particularly cruel test and look at our trajectory before that it was so promising. But I also kind of lost that person the moment the pandemic hit and that was too long.

The bad shit… I don’t know if it’s too much to get over. Now that I’ve had more time I do feel like the first few years could have been forgiven by now if there weren’t so much new shit to deal with. But I haven’t had time, mostly accumulation.

But it’s not about how well I can forgive, it’s about me becoming everything I have to be. Exhausting

[seungmin-wrecked]

Literally no one cares but here's my worst travel story:

So I go to a school 2-3 states away. Which according to Google, the college is a 9 hour drive, however, bc my family can't just drive 18 hours in one day to come get me and drive home, I normally take a train that goes across states. This train ride is about 6/6 and a half hours long. Not to mention :) the time you can buy tickets for this train at midnight and 3 am depending on which station you're leaving from (so if I'm heading back home, the train leaves at midnight. If I'm heading back to campus, the train leaves at 3 am). Keep this in mind :)

So the drive to the train station is a long one. It's about 4/4.5 hours long of a drive since the train station is in another state than the one I live in. So my dad decided to book a hotel like 15 min away from the train station, but not in the same city as the train station since prices were cheaper that way. We left the day before my train was supposed to leave so March 7th. We left our house at like 1 pm, and I had slept till 11 am since I had stayed up a bit late the night before. I slept in the car on the way to the hotel and was feeling pretty good!

We decided to waste some time looking around the town we were in, ate dinner at 3 pm, and actually had to go hunting to go find a place to print my train ticket since I had forgotten to (we eventually found a Staples 3 towns over and an abandoned mall that had bad vibes from the outside). Time passes and we head back to the hotel about 7 pm, but there's still a bunch of time before my train left. My boarding time that day was 4 am since daylight savings time was ending so we were supposed to jump forward, so it was really like my train was still arriving at 3 am. Amtrak suggests getting to the train station at least an hour before your train is supposed to arrive, so my dad and I agreed to leave the hotel at like 1:15 am. My dad fell asleep, but I was still pretty awake since I had gotten so much sleep already so I decided to read Manga on my phone until it was time for us to leave. We left the hotel on time, arrived at the train station early and thank goodness it was pretty empty. I managed to sit by myself and the train ride was relatively nice! Like it usually is.

Now here came the issue. The city I was arriving in, I knew about three people who lived there. One person I couldn't ask a ride from, another one I could have but there were already issues there, and so I asked the third person I knew there first. She was able to come get me!

.... Once she got off work!

...... At 1 pm.

Now I'm still very thankful she agreed to come get me, and I always will be. I have no idea how else I was supposed to make it to campus without her help, even though I would only be on campus for two weeks before getting kicked off.

However, my train arrived at 9 am. I had barely any money in my bank account and I had too much anxiety after sitting at the train station to get up and go get something from the vending machines, not to mention, I had no small bills on me. It was nearing 24 hours without substantial food, what I had eaten were some gummies my friend had gotten me for my birthday on the train, and that's it. It also came to my realization that while I was sitting there in the train station my p****d had started. There was no one in the station until about 11, since there was another train coming.

This lady approached me when there were like 5 other people at the train station (4 of them were Amish) and she asked me if she could borrow my phone to contact someone because she had left her phone in the Lyft she took to get to the train station. I figured why not and opened the app on my phone to dial phone numbers. This lady messes with my phone a bit and then hands it back to me with a new tab open with Lyft's customer service page open. I figured she was going to call her phone! Nope!!!! Now remember that I was reading Manga in the hotel room? Well I still had the tab up, and I can assure you that it was the one she opened the chrome browser up to. You'll never guess what fucking Manga I happened to be reading :)))) it was fucking Sekaii Wa (I can't remember the rest rn) but it's that one explicit bl Manga, and I remember being at a part where one of the character's may or may not have been naked :)) so I was fully screaming internally at this point. This lady had seen bl p*** on my phone and had given NO REACTIONS. She had to come ask to use my phone a couple of times bc she was trying to figure out what to do and at one point she just. Walked away with my phone.

After that had happened, a girl who looked very nervous came over and sat next to me, and asked me about how the train works since it was her first time. I also had to pee very badly at this moment too; I had needed to pee since I got off the train but was too nervous to get up and just go to the bathroom, not to mention I didn't have anyone to watch my stuff. I answered her questions and then asked her to watch my stuff. At this point I could create a temporary solution to the monthly problem happening and continue on feeling better about that situation since all of my pads/tampons were in my suitcase.

At this point it was 1 pm. For those keeping track, that is the time that my friend said she was going to be in work till, and a total of 22 hours since I had last eaten anything substantial. I was on my monthly, starving, sleep deprived, because also at this point I had gotten barely two hours of sleep on the train, which means about two hours of sleep in total for 22 hours also, and now irritated. I eventually get a text from my friend letting me know that she just got off work and was going to head home to shower and then come get me. I was just happy to know she was close to getting me.

3 pm rolls around. She arrives. I am tired, starved, irritated, in pain, and now surprised since my friend was NOT the only one to come get me. Oh no. Her mother had driven her and her sister to come get me. Which her family is lovely, they're so nice and really helped me out right before Christmas break when I needed to stay somewhere in the city before going to the train station at midnight. They pick me up, all is good. I'm still super hungry.

I am mildly lactose intolerant and when I am on my monthly, coffee messes me up (this is important for this next part).

Her mom turns towards me and goes "we're headed to Starbucks, would you like something?" my immediate response? Yes. Absolutely. My brain that is reminding me of the already horrid situation I am in, and telling me not to get coffee won though and told her no. I thought we were going to leave immediately after we came back to my friend's house. But oh no. She had laundry to finish, a resume to finish, and her mom wanted to take her to the grocery store to pick up stuff for her room. I went with for everything and ended up buying the oddest assortment of things (including almond milk, mandarin oranges, and canned soup).

My friend finished everything at about 6:30 pm and we were good to leave. I am so hungry at this point. Her mother had given me a slice of banana bread she had just baked and I had to refuse anymore bc I knew I would have eaten the whole thing given the chance. That was the most food I had eaten since 3 pm the day before. For those, once again keeping track, that is 27 hours. Again, I am in pain, irritated, hungry, and tired. We get into the car and as soon as we pull out of my friend's driveway I turned towards her and said "Can we please stop at the closest McDonald's. I am so hungry" she laughed and said sure. We passed at least 5 McDonald's. She then hits me with the "there's a Burger King like 45 min away, close to the school, can we go there?" and I just nodded my head bc I was just happy to be given the chance to eat.

We get to the Burger King and I am not kidding you. I ordered a Bacon Whopper with a side of large fries and large drink bc I was so hungry. I ate all of it before pulling into the driveway of my school. That burger is the size of my head and has enough fucking mayo on it for it to be it's own producer plant of mayo. It was heavenly.

I got all my stuff to my room (which was on the third floor of a building that only certain people could use the elevator) and passed out on my bed for an hour, woke up to tell my friend I was on campus. Did Not Touch My Luggage. And then passed tf back out till the next morning :)

TL;DR: I had the longest and worst travel of my life that lasted from 1 pm on a Friday till 7 pm on a Saturday, where I barely slept, ate, used the bathroom, and got heavily embarrassed.

[ghost-town-story]

... The more I sit here and am allowed to think, the more pissed off and upset I get

Rant blog status reinstated!

So firstly, I’m not happy about getting kicked off campus. But social distancing shit, whatever I guess, whatcha gonna do. 

But no. My fucking mother takes the goddamned fucking cake rn. 

We got the email about being kicked off around 4 pm eastern time, Monday. My mother. This fucking woman. Calls me and insists I pack my stuff and get off campus by Tuesday morning. Packing is normally at least a few days ordeal, especially since I hate packing and it always stresses me out a bunch. But done in little spurts, okay I guess, more doable. 

But noooo I have to get out by Tuesday. Fucking. Morning. And this woman actually has the gall, the fucking gall to halfheartedly suggest I start out Monday evening since I’ve gone nocturnal. 

I tried to tell her there’s no fucking way, but she wouldn’t fucking listen. So she hangs up, and I go down the hall bc I desperately need a hug by this point, and she’s a sweetheart but the only roommate available is a gangly skinny girl and not the type of hugs I need. (really, boyfriend would be ideal, but at the time he was in Colorado visiting his sister). And I end up breaking down on huggin friend’s couch bc I hate packing, and I don’t feel like I can pack up a year’s worth of shit in about 12 hours. 

Mom eventually calls me again, mostly just to tell me “yeah you need to pack up and get back tonight, your roommate can grab the 1-2 bins remaining.” And she refuses to listen to me saying “hey, it’s a solid 2 loads in my car, it’s not gonna be 1-2 bins”  “But it fit all in your first car!” “My first car was a fuckin beast, literally the largest car in the lot freshman year. Fred is definitely shorter, definitely less trunk space, etc.”  “Well Y can get the last few bins.” “It’s a lot of stuff!” “It won’t be that much” JUST FUCKING LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT FFS

I was so stressed and crying that huggin friend stole my phone when I was texting my boyfriend, and had him call me so I could maybe stop crying. I miss my boy. Hearing him was good tho.

I’m packing up my stuff in the bathroom when I remember. I store my empty bins at my brother’s place (2 hrs north). I double check with him and call my mom back “I can’t leave tomorrow. It’s too much to pack, and some of my bins are at Brother’s.”  Despite all this, despite me literally breaking down and crying on the phone, she refuses to listen, to give me an extra day, to bring half my stuff up to my brother’s (and therefore eliminate most of the need to have my roommate take my stuff) and grab my extra bins. Nope, gotta get out.

I was staring at my room, halfheartedly packing and trying to figure out, and just sobbing out loud. I thought remaining roommate was gone at dinner, otherwise I would have tried to be quiet. But she had gotten back without me noticing, and when she poked her head in, I couldn’t do it anymore and just kinda. Fell to the ground crying and apologizing. She’s a such a sweetheart and I feel bad for probably worrying her (and possibly waking her up in the middle of the night with packing noises)

I texted my roommate about this. She basically said, “Wtf, what she’s asking isn’t possible.”

Same thing from my boyfriend. 

My mom kept texting me, asking how things were going, basically ignoring my subtle requests for more fucking time. At one point she said “Hang in there”. I sent a screenshot of that to my roommate and boyfriend and asked, “Is murder acceptable?” Roommate said a solid yes. Boyfriend offered to let me live with him. (cept 2 hour parking and I already got one ticket from that :P)

Mom texted around 10 pm, asking if things were fitting in the car. I wasn’t even remotely to the point of packing the car. I was basically at break number 2 of mandatory “sit down, have something to eat, and rehydrate after crying so damn much”. I think I had one bin completely done (out of what ended up being like. 6 bins? plus assorted bags n stuff) and was mostly done packing my clothes, but like. slow going. Especially when packing is stressful and you keep getting overwhelmed woot woot

I put off a fair number of things bc of panicking about time and simple emotional capability to do so. Sorting out my dishes, unlofting my bed, grabbing my band shit from the music hall across campus.

At some point in the night, I had to lay down, because my body decided “hey, you know what would be great right now? Period cramps, minus the blood.” Which, thank fuck minus the blood, but also it meant I had to spend a solid half hour/hour out of commission bc it hurt so damn much to walk around and try to pack. But I had to keep going, even though the pain came back when I stood up again.  

Mom texted me at 7 am if I’m awake. I hadn’t slept. 

We have housekeepers, and they got there around when I was finishing loading up. I stopped and chatted for a bit (nobody had told them what was going on), and nearly started crying again because it was just so damn shitty. Everything’s so damn shitty. 

So I got on the road at about 8 am, and get to driving for a bit, but about 1.5 hours in I’m doing bad. I can barely keep focused, despite drinking probably half a bottle of Mt. Dew by this point, so I pull into a rest stop and text my mom “Hey, I forgot my shampoo/conditioner/toothbrush stuff, and also I don’t think I can get home safe.”

Does my mother tell me to take a nap in that rest stop? Nope Does she tell me to find a hotel or motel there and take a nap/sleep and try again tomorrow? Nope Does she tell me I can go back to school, sleep through the day, and try again tomorrow? Ha ha fucking ha.

Nope. She calls me, and proceeds to tell me to keep driving, and that she’s going to stay on the phone with me so I don’t fall asleep. 

I yelled at her quite a few times, when she was being fucking stupid about all this shit. She had the fucking gall to be pissed that I pulled an all nighter, when that’s what was fucking necessary to meet her stupid fucking deadline. 

At one point, I made a new driving playlist so hopefully it would keep me awake better while I wasn’t on the phone (being serenaded... awake? by the lovely voice of Tilian lel (lots of DGD and his solo work on that playlist. Also ATL. Fuck yeah ATL. anywho)). And right after I made that, she ended up calling me before I was driving yet, and I rejected it bc I really wanted to finish my text to the dear bf, and then I started driving, thinking she’d call me back and chew me out for ignoring her, but surprisingly nope. So I just jam out for a bit, and eventually start yelling at myself bc of dumb writing ideas (the original story rewrite... lol) and I end up texting my roommate (while driving... shh) “Hey, feel free to call me if you want to hear me ramble on about writing” So after a short phone call from mum where she hung up to let me drive through a city, roommate calls, and I end up spending the last few hours of my drive rambling at her and mutually bitching about the shitty situation this leaves us in. 

When I get home, my dad (a doctor) is wearing a mask, apparently at my mother’s request. He also mentions that we probably shouldn’t be in the same room, according to her. I am also forced to strip everything and shower basically immediately. K, fine, I do so, Dad makes me dinner (despite Mom’s probable disapproval), and I stay awake just long enough to toss my laundry in the dryer. It was a close thing tho. I nearly fell asleep waiting for the washer to finish. And so I pass out at 8 pm central time (9 pm eastern)

Mom, during all this, has fucked off Up North to our cabin, my final destination.

Wednesday, Mom makes me leave our place in the Cities at 11 am to get up before weather gets worse and all that jazz. Once here, I’m allowed freedom for as long as it takes to help mother move shit so I can fit my car inside a garage, then I take the bare minimum inside (my electronics, stuff that would explode if frozen (like pop (and my Smirnoff Ices shh)), travel toothbrush I somehow have and hairbrush), and I’m immediately quarantined to my room and the bathroom down the hall. 

So here I fucking am. Bored as shit and pissed the hell off

I needed more time. But no fucking way Mom was going to let that happen. 

I could have gone up to my brother’s. But noooo I had to come all the fucking way home, only to be shoved in a room for two weeks.

I could have taken care of all/most of my shit by my fucking self (dishes are debatable, would need basically the whole apartment to sort those out), but nope, can’t take enough time to take a trip up to my brother’s apartment 2 hours away, no way.

Nope, instead I have to suffer a panic attack for basically 16 hours, then nearly kill myself driving, because I can’t stay one fucking day more, because I have to get my ass up here just to be basically shoved in a room and left alone for 2 goddamned weeks. Nope. Can’t fucking make sure that moving out, usually stressful on its own, is as calm as we can make it in these trying times. Nope. Gotta just fucking nearly kill the kiddo instead to comply with my stupid whims because I can’t fucking listen

I’m pissed.

Especially since I was almost 100% sure I was gonna block her everywhere and go full no contact with this bitch after college.

But now I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future! Yay! Can’t see that going badly! 

(I’ve already texted the anonymemers to call me so I don’t go crazy and actually punch her. We’ll see how that goes. The desire has been kinda strong all afternoon.)

Fuck

This

Shit

[zenonaa]

2,3,4,7,8,9,19,22,28,29,32 (i already know the answer tho, lol), 37!

2. Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

i’ve done this before once but i would love to write a fic where the POV either can’t see or hear. it’d be a fun challenge.

3. Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

ones where my otp cheat on each other. >_>

4. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

@polafuka​ asked me to write a tofu-focused one shot based on And I Would Do It Again and she said she would write it herself with some fuka/hina added in if i didn’t. :O though i said i’d add some of that in for her

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

ok i’m going to cut to a readmore bc the next snippet is LONG

Dark Grey Eyes (nsfw)

Part of him had hoped what he felt was a phase. Part of him still hoped what he felt was a phase despite however much time had elapsed. Or that it was a symptom of some illness. Or anything else because no one in the Togami family ever actually felt about another person what he might have felt at that moment - a strange stirring in his chest he always thought to be nausea, supplemented by those dark grey eyes. Not just those eyes but the body they belonged to.

Then again, the rest of the Togami family was dead.

Without him noticing, that nausea - that disgust - had developed into something else... or he finally learned to recognise it for what it was. But he regarded it as weakness nonetheless, even now. It was illogical. Irrational. Wrong. Feeling attachment to someone. It was wrong. Caring. Wanting. Bonding. It was wrong because feeling that way was a distraction and a liability.

Well. So he assumed until the final trial, where Makoto personified hope and brought the remaining students together into a powerful force that overcame the mastermind’s despair. On top of that, the growing closeness of Makoto and Kyouko Kirigiri suggested his view on these sorts of relationships may have been too harsh and hastily made. May have been.

Byakuya balled his fists.

No matter how often he tried to convince himself that he jumped to an incorrect conclusion about what he felt, or that he was above such things, he had still willingly slept with Touko Fukawa and he thought about her more than he should. In that he thought about her at all, like now - he thought about her persistence and loyalty and determination and strength, for she had made it through the mutual killings and the ordeal with Komaru Naegi and everything else. In fact, her love for him had made her stronger, it seemed, and he was beginning to think that love didn't make people weaker after all. Then there was her lewdness and her self-satisfied smiles that nearly always grated on his nerves, but there also existed what lay behind her stuttering and fidgeting that up to now he only glimpsed, and he almost thought he saw a bit of himself in there, and there was her intelligence as well, and her-!

He stopped himself there.

... i like it because i wrote this way back in late 2014 and as more details on dr/ae came out, all i had to do was edit in examples. the characterisation stayed the same. and it’s just.... i love.

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Pink Candy (nsfw)

“What were you expecting?” he eventually asked. He turned his face away, pouting. “A box of chocolates?”

“It’s-! B-B-Byakuya-sama’s-!” She peeked, pupils dilated. “It’s so... did I do th-that?” He refused to dignify her question with a response. “I g-get to t-touch it?”

they’re such nerds tbh and togami’s second question is so funny to me.

9. Which fic has been the hardest to write?

hm... elusive is/was actually pretty hard to write at times. i remember wanting to give it up after the first few chapters and if i wasn’t writing it for maddie, i would have. i’m glad i didn’t give it up though.

19. Stephen King once said that his muse is a man who lives in the basement. Do you have a muse?

I STILL DON'T KNOW. but if i see tofu stuffs, then i do generally get more inspired to write. even if it's not tofu-related.

22. Choose a passage from one of your earlier fics and edit it into your current writing style. (Person sending the ask is free to make suggestions).

She inhaled but then remembering his last remark, she squeaked and slapped her palm over her mouth. In a muffled voice, she said, “I was wondering whether," she lowered her hand, “maybe,” she fidgeted, “I could possibly,” she gulped, “sleep wi… with,” she blushed, “with y-you?”

“No,” he said right away. The bed creaked as he lay down. “Now begone. Find a bit of floor to curl up on.”

Touko twitched. “B-But it’s dirty!”

“I don't see the problem. It’s a match made in heaven, surely.”

“I m-might cut myself! A-And bleed!” Touko clamped her eyes shut, buried her fingers in her hair and shook her head wildly. “A-And when I see it in the morning… the bl-blood… I’ll-! I’ll-!”

Another pause. Longer than before. Could pauses be longer than other pauses? Like how some laters seemed laterer than other laters, and some laters ended up being so late they turned into nevers? Did those warped laters even qualify as laters?

This later remained a later, and the pause just a pause. Byakuya didn't turn around to face her but said, “If you stay on the other side of the bed and shut up, you may… join me.”

28. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

this will be three OF them, because i probably have more. there's @die-einzelganger who like... writes so well and english isn't her first language. emotions show in her writing, her characterisation is great and she is full of great descriptions and phrases and i aspire to be as good as her one day. also ikuzonos who writes such spot on togafuka and they're still pretty young yet so talented too?? i love their ikuzono fics too and their fics got me into that ship tbh. finally, there's maddie!!! she is really creative and working on a pandora hearts au for dangan ronpa and she puts so much thought into her works and i love them.

29. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

someone was writing a non-despair fic and they seemed to just be getting to the tofu when they discontinued it. 3 i remember that hina accidentally got caught indecently dressed and then everyone decided to wear their underwear to make her feel better and hagakure tried to make it even by exposing himself. asahina was going to give togami secret swimming lessons too.

32. How do you feel about smut?

i love it as long as it isn't over the top or have gross kinks. even badly written ones for my otp make me smile.

37. Talk about your current wips.

i really need to start the next chapter of elusive... also i'm 300 words into a request where naeg/iri and togafuka double date.

PHEW!!! if you got to the end, well done!! and thank you!

[incendir]

stop just a minute (we’ve got so much time)

name: lee/sungjong

from/to: icn/jfk

depart: 16:00

flight: kal81

the day sungjong leaves for new york is a big affair. howon rides in the sunggyu’s car with woohyun, myungsoo, and dongwoo. sungjong and sungyeol are in the car in front of them along with their parents, sungjong and sungyeol’s maternal grandmother, and all of sungjong’s luggage. even though sungjong and sungyeol’s grandmother and mother are barely holding back tears and won’t let sungjong out of their arms even as he laughs and continuously repeats that phones exist for a reason, the general atmosphere isn’t a sad one.

sungjong is right, after all - there are phones and computers and they’ll all be able to hear his voice and see his face as many times as they want and need to. he’ll be back between semesters for a month at a time, and for the summer for an entire three months.

after he checks in, they all walk him to the security gate to say their final goodbyes. howon stands back, almost to the side, and watches as everyone else hugs and kisses him - the youngest out of all of them, the last one they watched walk across that familiar platform in their high school to receive his diploma just a few months ago.

his carry-on is just a backpack - not the one he used for school, but a new one that sungyeol had bought for him when sungjong first received the acceptance letter to this program. he’s almost an entire head taller than howon now, even though when they just met, he’d only had a few centimeters on him. sungjong has also begun to lose his cheeks, the baby fat clinging to his jaw almost completely gone, and howon tries to ignore the pang in his chest when he thinks about how he won’t see sungjong finish growing up - he won’t be there.

he uses the time it takes for sungjong’s parents, grandmother, and the others to be completely satisfied in how much they’ve mussed his hair and nearly suffocated him to swallow down the rest of those feelings. this is going to be quite possibly a life-changing experience for sungjong, and he’s worked sleepless night upon sleepless night for this, and howon wants him to take the world by storm like he inevitably always would.

“this is a special occasion so don’t think i’ll let you touch him ever again,” sungyeol says, shoving howon forward by the back of his head. howon grins back at his friend, as he feels sungjong tugging him in by the arm.

he lets sungjong wrap his long arms around howon’s neck, face buried against the side of howon’s hair. howon pulls his own arms tight around sungjong’s waist and breathes in the scent he won’t smell again until december. “don’t eat too much shake shack,” howon says into sungjong’s neck. he feels the younger boy shake with laughter against him. “you won’t grow taller forever.”

“i’ll smuggle some back for you, hyung,” comes the reply as sungjong pulls away and smiles at him, eyes just a little wetter than they should be.

howon smiles back and pushes him with both of his hands on the omega’s back. “hurry up,” he says, as much of a laugh in his voice as he can inject without feeling his own eyes get too warm.

once sungjong is out of sight, howon feels woohyun’s hand squeeze his shoulder and sungyeol’s hand firm on his back. howon puts his hands in his pockets and turns to face them. myungsoo isn’t crying as hard as sungjong’s mother and grandmother are, but it’s a close call. “wanna get drunk?” woohyun slings an arm around howon’s neck.

howon glances at him with a half-smile. “you bet.”

03:18 d-4: hyung did u want the white one and sunggyu-hyung the red one 03:18 d-4: or is it the other way around 03:19 d-4: or did woohyun-hyung want the red one 03:21 ya lee howon: they r all for me 03:21 ya lee howon: only me 03:23 d-4: lol hyung srsly 03:24 ya lee howon: ur bringing both back either way 03:24 ya lee howon: we can fight for who gets which 03:25 d-4: hyungs battling to the death for hats 03:25 d-4: im down 03:25 d-4: pls provide popcorn 03:26 ya lee howon: no 03:27 d-4: no popcorn? :( 03:28 ya lee howon: hyungs battling for whatevers left 03:28 ya lee howon: i get first picks 03:28 ya lee howon: bc u love me most 03:28 ya lee howon: :) 03:29 d-4: i love whoever pays me back first 03:30 ya lee howon: u kno i’ll pay u back first and best :)) 03:32 d-4: lmao 03:33 d-4: ok fine 03:33 d-4: but only bc u drive a hard bargain 03:33 d-4: go to sleep 03:34 d-4: u have class in like 4 hrs 03:34 d-4: hyung omg 03:36 ya lee howon: miss u 03:37 d-4: SLEEP :( NOW 03:37 d-4: OR IM GIVING ALL THE HATS TO SUNGGYU-HYUNG 03:43 ya lee howon: the things i do for supreme 03:44 d-4: don’t let the sungyeol-hyung bugs bite 04:51 d-4: i miss u too

name: lee/sungjong

from/to: lhr/icn

depart: 9:30

flight: kl 856

there isn’t usually much traffic once howon gets out of the city itself onto the larger roads that lead him from seoul to incheon, but at around four in the morning, even the bit of traffic he usually encounters coming out of seoul is hardly there. it takes less than an hour today to get to the airport, and by the time he does, the first few barest rays of dawn are starting to peek through into the sky. he hadn’t slept at all tonight, afraid that he’d miss his alarm if he did.

he had work to get done anyway, and just started on whatever he needed to get through for next week once he had finished that in order to keep himself awake until it was time to leave.

the airport is as empty as the roads, the red-eye flights just beginning to land and most coming in on those planes are businessmen with chauffeurs from agencies and hotels waiting for them, holding placards with last names on them. howon goes to the board of arrivals, looking to make sure that sungjong’s flight was still due to land on time and to see which gate he needed to wait at.

even there, howon is fairly sure that he’s the only person who isn’t in a suit with a name-board. he takes his phone from the back pocket of his jeans. there aren’t any new messages he can look through because no one is awake at this hour, obviously. the last messages he received were from sungjong just before he’d gotten on the flight, nearly twelve hours ago. howon had sent him back suggestions for where sungjong wanted to eat once he returned, since more often than not, sungjong is hungrier for korean food than he is for sleep whenever he arrives.

sungjong had gotten on the plane and turned off his phone before he could read those messages, but now, when howon checks the chat, they’ve been read, which means sungjong’s flight really is on time, and he’s landed already - most probably reading the messages while waiting for his bags or during immigration.

people begin coming out of the gate about an hour after the arrival time that had been listed on the board. howon tucks his phone back into his jeans, hands in the pockets of his jacket as he bounces up and down on the heels of his feet, waiting.

the first time sungjong came home - from new york, after his two years abroad - they had all come to pick him up along with sungjong’s parents in the same way that they’d sent him off. it was like that when sungjong had gone off again two years later and when he returned a few weeks later. after three, four, five times, once it became sungjong’s steady career, and he began living with howon, it was either just howon or sometimes howon and sungyeol, or one of the others whenever howon just couldn’t make it himself.

sungjong insisted for a time that it was ridiculous and he could take himself to and from the airport by taxi, but howon thinks that’s more ridiculous and said exactly that to sungjong’s exasperated smile.

for the most part, howon knows sungjong understands now that howon does this almost as much for himself as he does for sungjong. from time to time, however, like yesterday, sungjong still tries to get howon to let sungjong take a cab. i’m going to land at five in the morning and you had meetings all week, hyung, sungjong had said, as howon watched him pack through his laptop screen.

you know we just eat and fuck around at those, howon had joked, grinning, and curling his fingers against the cotton of his joggers beneath the table - far from what the camera of his laptop could capture, where sungjong couldn’t see. he’d watched sungjong roll his eyes and smile back, not pushing further because even when sungjong had once told howon point-blank that sungjong was going to walk straight past howon and take a taxi even if he was there, howon had still come anyway, dragged a laughing sungjong to his car, and demanded that sungjong pay a fare since, after all, sungjong wanted to take a taxi so badly.

yesterday, howon had watched sungjong sitting on his suitcase, stomping on his suitcase, lying stomach down on his suitcase in an attempt to get it to shut, and he’d laughed and told sungjong that the omega was far too light to make even the slightest difference in getting it to shut - as well as asking him if he was trying to sneak in an entire year’s supply of fish and chips. he’d watched sungjong, and tried not to think about how, if he was there, he’d have jumped next to sungjong on top of the suitcase and they would’ve pressed it down together, each of them clicking the fastening closest to their hands.

he’d watched sungjong climb into bed holding the laptop and couldn’t help himself from imagining himself lying there beside him, one arm thrown over his stomach and the other pulling the blanket over both of them. he’d watched sungjong fall asleep through the screen of his laptop, and his finger hovered over his mouse pad for far too long before he brought himself to end the call.

“hyung!”

he hears him before he sees him.

there are more people than he expected now pouring out of the automatic double doors, and it takes him a moment before he sees the long, thin arm waving at him and the familiar suitcases piled on the luggage cart. he’s running in through the crowd before he knows it, around the cart and then his arms are around a small, warm waist and his face is pressed into a soft neck and he’s inhaling the scent of home.

18:13 overrated tokyo banana: flight got delayed 18:13 overrated tokyo banana: 4hr delay 18:16 bring me tokyo banana: shit 18:17 overrated tokyo banana: they said there might be more delays 18:17 overrated tokyo banana: bc it’s snowing so bad 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: hyung i think u shouldn’t come 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: i’ll just take a cab 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: if we even take off today 18:20 bring me tokyo banana: it’s fine 18:21 bring me tokyo banana: i’ll catch dinner 18:21 bring me tokyo banana: keep me updated 18:22 bring me tokyo banana: it’s snowing p badly here 2 20:01 overrated tokyo banana: idk if u alr saw but we r snowed in 20:02 bring me tokyo banana: i saw yeah 20:02 bring me tokyo banana: did they say when the next plane can leave? 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: no…. 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: they said they r moving us out 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: theres a hotel next to the airport i think they r gonna shuttle us there 20:07 bring me tokyo banana: call me when u get there or if anything else happens

sungjong doesn’t come home until new year’s.

howon had planned to take him out that night, christmas eve night, that sungjong should have landed had the snowstorm not escalated into the worst blizzard that both seoul and tokyo had seen in a fair decade. he’d planned to take sungjong to the christmas festival that they used to go to together when sungjong was in university, and then to see the display of christmas trees that had been put up near the square of shops beside their apartment complex.

sungyeol and myungsoo had also thrown a christmas party, expecting sungjong to have been home by then, and while they all still laughed and talked and drank until it wasn’t even christmas anymore, howon knows he isn’t the only one that felt the empty space - that they were all missing the person they were supposed to tease mercilessly and lovingly.

sungjong had video-called howon from the hotel room the airport had put him in later that night, the night he was supposed to come home. i had to wash my boxers in the sink and dry them on a chair, he’d said to howon’s unsympathetic guffawing. no stores are open so i couldn’t even buy new underwear, hyung, stop laughing.

that night howon listened to a good, solid two hours of sungjong ranting about the inadequacies of the airport staff and the various people who he’d watched make scenes in the middle of the airport and also the hotel lobby - from entertaining and dramatic to full-blown annoying and inconsiderate to the fact that everyone is stuck because of the snow and everyone had places to be.

maybe i should’ve just hopped on my suitcase and rowed my way back - it’s not that far, right? sungjong joked wearily, leaning back on the pillows and pulling his laptop closer to himself on the bed.

this is why you almost failed physics if it weren’t for me, howon teased, and sungjong smiled.

i almost failed physics even with you, hyung.

howon didn’t remember who had fallen asleep first that night. he just remembered waking up to his laptop having hibernated on its own, and a slew of messages in all of the chats he was in - from his group chat with woohyun and sungyeol, telling him to remember to bring quality alcohol or he’s not allowed in the house, to myungsoo reminding him to bring enough alcohol for the two of them once everyone else has passed out, to sunggyu threatening him not to give sunggyu presents for his unborn children because there’s been enough of that and to bring sunggyu something, to dongwoo pleading for him to bring food because no one else will remember to.

he opened all of the messages but replied to none of them yet.

before he went back to sort anything else out, he opened the messages he had saved for last.

08:22 i hate snow: merry christmas hyung!! !!!!!! 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:40 i hate snow: have fun getting trashed 08:41 i hate snow: beat myungsoo-hyung this time

they were photos of sungjong out in the snow, despite what he had changed his name in the chat to while howon was asleep. howon still has those photos saved to his phone, unable to stop flipping back and forth through them as he waits now at the gate for sungjong to arrive finally - six days later than he was supposed to be home, but howon would rather wait as long as it took if that meant sungjong would be flown over in safer weather.

howon assumes sungjong had taken these photos somewhere near the hotel - possibly just even in the parking lot or on the sidewalk, even though it really was snowing so hard, howon could barely make out sungjong’s face through the snowflakes and wind blowing his scarf around his face. it had snowed straight through the next three days before the storm finally stopped, and then it took another three days before conditions were safe enough and the weather wasn’t too dangerous for the engines.

sungjong had told howon yesterday that he was going to be on the first flight out the following day, and howon had only barely been able to sleep.

he’s done this so many times now - he’s fairly sure a good portion of the airport staff around all shifts know him - the people who work the bakeries and cafes around the perimeter of the arrival gates definitely know him, but for some reason, his heart still pounds loudly in his chest whenever he’s waiting for sungjong.

he’ll never say it’s easy because it isn’t. none of this is ever easy, and all of it has been so romanticised, but there is nothing fun or romantic or sweet about having lived together with sungjong for so many years now - the omega’s name is on the lease along with howon’s - but it hardly feels like they’ve shared a home at all. absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder is a load of bullshit because all sungjong’s absence does is make howon miss him so much, there are times he’ll just be gazing into sungjong’s eyes through the screen of his laptop or phone, and the realization of the situation will hit him with crippling pain - that sungjong is miles upon miles away and howon isn’t looking into his eyes - just an image inside a machine.

there have been so many people who have no idea what it’s like giving howon advice - whether it’s from his colleagues, to friends of friends who hear about his and sungjong’s situation from the others, to his brothers, to even his relatives. some of them have told him it’ll get easier, some of them have told him that long-distance strengthens relationships.

he doesn’t think it’ll ever get easier, and he doesn’t think he’s in any place to judge how strong or weak he and sungjong are together.

all he knows is that no matter how hard it gets -

“good news or bad news first,” sungjong breathes against howon’s shoulder, seconds after the omega has thrown himself straight into howon, backpack half off his shoulders and suitcase crashed to the floor at their feet.

howon clenches his eyes shut and holds sungjong so tightly that he’s pretty sure the straps of sungjong’s backpack will leave indents in howon’s arms even through the sleeves of the alpha’s thick coat. “my tokyo bananas got squished?”

“okay - that was the bad news,” sungjong’s voice is more muffled now because both he and howon are hugging each other so closely, howon doesn’t think he could breathe even if he tried. “the good news is - “

“you’re home?” howon asks, and lets sungjong pull away slightly - just enough so he can look up into the younger man’s face.

sungjong presses his smile against howon’s mouth briefly - too, too briefly. “that, too,” the omega says, “but also, sunggyu-hyung’s box wasn’t squished so we can just give him the squished ones.”

when howon surges forward to kiss sungjong back this time, sungjong’s beanie flies off his head.

name: lee/howon

from/to: icn/cdg

depart: 22:00

flight: tk 89

“you know,” sungyeol says, as he walks howon down to the security checkpoint, “i should technically be ripping your boarding pass in half right about now.”

howon grins. “you know, he’s going to come home in a week so regardless, in about a week’s time, you’re going to be seeing that ring on his finger and - regardless - soon we’re gonna be a real fami - “

“literally, you disgust me,” sungyeol cuts him off. “i should have killed you and fed your remains to my cats while i had the chance, but now my parents are expecting sungjong to come back engaged and he can’t be engaged to a box of organs.”

even though there are still quite a fair few people in the airport at this time of night, not yet so late that the flow of flights has slowed, it’s quieter than the usual hustle and bustle during peak time a few hours ago in the evening and late afternoon. the workers at the cafe howon always gets coffee from, sometimes with sungjong and sometimes for sungjong, while he’s waiting actually stared at him for a good few seconds upon seeing his suitcase as he and sungyeol grabbed a quick bite before going to check howon in.

he has a long wait until his flight actually leaves because it’s an international flight and he had to arrive two hours beforehand to get his boarding pass, so he plans to eat more once he’s inside and there are more actual restaurants. he’ll eat his fill at the airport and then opt out of eating on the plane. he plans to attempt to sleep as much as he can to minimize his jet lag once he arrives, although he has a feeling that no matter how exhausted he is when he gets there, he won’t be able to feel any of the tiredness.

howon pauses when they arrive at the passageway that leads into security. he turns to face sungyeol, and his best friend is looking back at him with some combination of exasperation, pride, and affection. “wish me luck,” howon says.

sungyeol snorts, yanking him forward into a hug and thumping his back fiercely. “you don’t need it, you cradlerobber.”

09:13 hoguma: r u up 09:18 jjongah: yeah 09:18 jjongah: we have today off 09:18 jjongah: skype? 09:20 hoguma: can u get the door first 09:20 jjongah: what 09:21 hoguma: get the door

when sungjong opens the door, he yells so loudly that howon has to push him into the room and close the door behind them before kissing him silent so that they don’t startle the entire floor. sungjong stares, open-mouthed at howon, nearly stuttering when he asks faintly what howon is doing here - in paris - when he had told sungjong just two days ago that he would be in jeju for a conference.

sungjong is still in thin, gray joggers and a black t-shirt. his hair is wet and messy, and howon is fairly sure that he’d just woken up an hour before howon had messaged him. howon himself had arrived near the middle of the night, getting to the airport hotel sometime early in the morning, showering, and eating quickly before driving into the city. he’d only slept on the plane, over twelve hours ago now, but he’s never felt more awake in his life.

howon answers without words what he flew out of the country for - he answers with a broad grin as he lowers himself onto one knee in front of the person he’s loved for the past ten years of his life and that he’ll love for hundreds more. he opens the box he’d brought all the way from their home, thousands of miles away, and he says, “i promise to follow you wherever you go, if you promise to always come home to me.”

something between a gasp and a sob slips past sungjong’s lips before he presses the back of his hand over his mouth, eyebrows furrowing like he’s determined not to cry even though that’s a fairly lost cause, in howon’s opinion, judging by the way the younger man’s eyes are already brimming. “will you marry me, lee sungjong?”

howon barely gets the entire name out before he’s being kissed within an inch of his life. the ring nearly goes flying out of howon’s hand from the force that sungjong throws himself forward with. howon lands flat on his back on the floor, toppling over with sungjong on top of him, dampness forming against the collar of howon’s shirt.

“yes,” sungjong whispers, leaning back and smiling, swiping at the wetness on his face with the back of his hand. howon catches the tears with his thumb. “yes,” sungjong repeats, louder, voice slightly hoarse before he dips in and covers howon’s mouth with his own.