#bc a part of my broken subconscious still salivates at the idea of throwing my life away for -insert w/e reason lmao-/nothing
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#i have this like. issue w self destruction right. i mean i guess its just the constant subconcious fight w myself surfacing for a sec lmaoo.#but the random periods of vicious pulls toward self destruction get stronger the further away from rock bottom i get#bc a part of my broken subconscious still salivates at the idea of throwing my life away for -insert w/e reason lmao-/nothing#&the more stock value i can add to me+my life the more violent the fall would be&the bigger the sacrifice. lmao.#... im currently dealing w severe mood swings? like i dont know why but its the worst its been since i started the new meds.#something something idk i guess my overall body chemistry was still a little more tenuous than either me or my doc/s thought#so the depression probably spiraled a little more than it was supposed to before i really noticed&now its gritting my teeth#through another stupid period of realizing that at least 50% of my desire for total perfection is bc of the almost intoxicating temptation#of throwing it all away for the worst parts of my natures lmao.#... there isnt a chance of me doing so. so like. theres really no reason to be concerned or anything. im just being dramatic as always lmao.#:')♡
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