#i have this like. issue w self destruction right. i mean i guess its just the constant subconcious fight w myself surfacing for a sec lmaoo.

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[munamania]

gonna complain again even tho i already spent time on it yesterday immediately after having to hang out with this person (oh my god i ranted for so long this is going under a keep reading)

so i hung out with my fun cool stoner friend and our one roommate from when we were in la last night and i mostly put up w her for the sake of my other friends but she’s sooooo annoying in that she’s someone that’s impossible to hang out with as a dyke im sory but there are the other issues too. like ok for instance her idea of being bisexual!! and having her gay AND straight media taste!!! (first of all huh) is like heartstopper and the summer i turned pretty. girl in neither of those situations are there women and especially lesbians at the forefront i mean yes ik heartstopper but like thats for two seconds. and im annoying and brought up my lesbian media to resounding silence shockingly whatever. and then. this part burned me and insulted me to my core. bc you know how kit connors kind of like a baby butch to me and im so serious sorry like he contains multitudes. and i kinda made a little comment abt that affectionately and she shows me this prettyboy from like whatever fucking show and tried to be like ‘abby just imagine him as a butch’ and i flat out was like im sorry he is Not giving. like that is just an annoying toxic skater niceguy blonde. whatever. like do not ever ever ever disrespect butches like that in front of me ever again. and then shes also just sooooo hyper consumerist and like. she brought up the low committment long distance etc joke from barbie and didnt even know it was from barbie and was like haha need me one of those i guess. i was like girl why would you want someone that disrespects u and ur time and uses u like purposefully. that was meant to poke at how toxic men get away with being to girls in modern dating. want better for yourself!!!!! and then i was sooo fucking stoned from a bong rip having the time of my life doing a little bit with the other friend and our buddy on facetime and she just kept going on about this person shes going on a date with except the other friend was like oh! they use they/them pronouns. and she was like right sorry i keep screwing that up!!!!! and then continued to use he/him. so im mostly non verbal cause shes like exhausting just going on and on and im high but i keep trying to be like. yeah they seem cool. hope it goes well with them. like. i felt like i was being microaggressed not necessarily in that instance just as a lesbian. shes bi but very much not past her internalized misogyny and homophobia. clearly. it’s exhausting!!!! im sorry i cant talk about men for that long and then i try to be excited about my attraction too and u get all funky............. like. ok. or making weird comments alluding to me just being wildly sexual abt women. like. yeah ok sure. for sure thats normal. like. this is also the girl whos a marketing major and uses ai all the time and pisses me off with her hella hyper consumerism grindset mentality bc it’s like she always wants us to comment on how productive she is and if i try to nicely be like You should give yourself a break sometimes too! she’ll be like Yeah haha guess im being a bit self destructive. girl it’s not sillyquirky like!!!! we all have our struggles but you gotta work on getting better abt it... and she also just gives ‘haha what drugs were they on thats so crazy’ about like everything i say or like or whatever and its like babe its really not even that crazy like. u are just so boring and you speak solely through references to memes. but you wont even just bring it up and joke about it in the present moment with your friends like. she spent a while finding a screenshot of a tumblr post that i was like haha yeah i saw that! it’s totally - u know whatever. and was not satisfied until she could prove she like saw it idk u get what i mean like. i understand i literally reblogged the post. its a silly little joke yes i relate. say something true and beautiful. idk. thanks if u read this ig i couldnt tell if my one friend was prompting me today to see if i was annoyed last night bc i thought she might also be too (bc it got so awkward silent with her going on and on abt the date and that fucking show and we were all like yeah. mhm. no for sure yeah. like how do u not get self aware idk) but we’ve all spoken abt this girl like shes some saint and ive just kinda been like haha sure... but i dont want her near my work and art and etc cause shes so shallow and has social media brain disease. she freaked out about twitter being weird now and how she prefers threads perhaps. like u have threads??? ok... it was so hard for me to be nice guys

[yeahx10]

right this annoys me so so much which isnt an issue with anybody who has reblogged it but i disagree so profoundly . why is op blaming people for a lack of media literacy and then buying into those same interpretations because as far as i can tell sally rooney books and fleabag do not do this at all. they may depict mental illness but not ever depiction is romanticisation. idk this feels like such a misrepresentation even if you dislike one or both these things. People can really change one another People are all we have LIKE ? that is the human experience it is about people and being in the world. where the hell did this person get "modern media has romanticised deranged mentally ill women" from sally rooney fleabag lol ... i believe it is fine for people identify with or project on or try to emulate a piece of media even if they are grouped as Annoying for it and if U think its annoying that is fine u can just say that without saying things that arent trueee autism haver voice words mean things. similarly there are ways to express frustration towards people who refuse to take steps to heal (AND often there are other factors like . trauma. mental illness. it isn't good but it's like the reality and being dismissive is so unhelpful). "they think stability will make them mundane and uninteresting" did they tell u that?????????? bc the media listed gives the opposite message 2 me .

meanwhile the only other thing i can think of is i guess my year of rest and relaxation and the stuff but that is like a warning against that kind of complacency and lack of progress and refusal to confront your issues as in the protagonist is deliberately presented as insufferable for it. Whereas for example normal people is about two people caught in unhealthy habits/cycles and the ending is them finally breaking away from that via marianne finally letting connell go and trusting that things will be okay in some way (i'll always be here) and connell leaving to like theoretically find self fulfilment in new york and againnn someone focusing on idk the bit when marianne is on exchange and passively self destructing is like not the fault of the text. u are welcome to argue w my interpretations just idk. at the very least the bwway bits that read as commentary on why stories abt rships between people matter i Do Not think mental illness is being romanticised. i will bring up one of my top least favourite things it is like saying oh you're not in your secret history era modern media has romanticised elitism and institutional classism Like u aren't supposed to think that's good and if people do that is on them and the reason nobody is in their tsh era is because they can't READ. i do think there is a point buried in this tiktok even but it really needs reworking . truly.

[aomine-ryo]

hi!! could i please request aomine + kise w a super insecure s/o but she doesn’t really say anything about it? but overtime the boys see how closed off she seems w everything ? aaa sorry if this doesn’t make sense

It made sense, don’t worry!! I hope you like this x

Scenario: Kise and Aomine with an insecure s/o

Kise

You loved dating Kise— you really did. As someone who had tendencies to worry about what others thought of you as well as be over-critical on yourself, being with him was quite refreshing. His bubbly personality and constant reassurance definitely helped you gain some self-love that you probably wouldn’t have been able to find without him.

There was one issue though. Kise was a rather popular person, being a model and all. For the first few months of your relationship, you managed to stay hidden by not going out in public with him too often. Of course, the two of you couldn’t always have dates at each other’s houses because there were so many places Kise wanted to take you, so you slowly began to go out together.

It didn’t take long for rumours to go around about your relationship, considering Kise’s popularity as a model was growing quite rapidly at this point. At first, you didn’t mind too much because they were just rumours and no one could confirm nor deny it per say. Furthermore, you felt quite happy knowing that Kise was all yours, and that you were in a relationship where you lifted each other up, so what others said about it wasn’t something you were concerned about.

However, that was until people started sneaking pictures of the two of you in public. You didn’t notice anything as it happened because you were caught up with Kise, but a few hours after you returned home, your social media was plastered with mentions as people tagged you in photos with your boyfriend. Looking at the surge of those photos made you begin to feel overwhelmed. You couldn’t help but read what people had to say about it, even though you knew you’d probably regret it.

At first, you didn’t really see anything too bad. Things like ‘Oh a new couple! How cute’ and ‘They’re adorable together, Kise-kun looks so happy’ seemed to be scattered amongst more surprised and sceptical comments that questioned the validity of the photos. And then you found the hate.

‘Yikes. Why is Kise dating someone like that?’, ‘No offense but Kise can do better’, ‘Did they pay Kise to date them or something? I never imagined him actually dating someone like that lol’ along with many other comments of that sort was soon all you saw. The nicer comments that were sprinkled here and there suddenly lost all its value as the meaner ones were all you seemed to look at.

You switched your phone off and put it aside as you began to feel your throat close up. As your brain began to question your self worth, a few tears managed to escape, even though you were trying so hard not to let it get to you. Maybe they were right? was all you could think about as you slowly but surely beat yourself up about it.

“Y/N-cchi! Are you free after school?” Kise chirped as you met up with him at recess a few days later.

“Probably. Why?”

“Let’s go on a date! There’s this boba café nearby that I think you’d really like,” he said with a smile, cheery as ever.

“I’m not sure. I think I’ll have to pass,” you said softly. You really didn’t want any more online attention than you were already getting.

“Why not?” he pouted.

You looked up at his frowning face and felt a wave of guilt. You made him sad. The comments were right. You don’t deserve him. “I just don’t feel like it,” you shrugged, pinching yourself.

“You’ll feel better when you try their drinks— trust me. It’ll be fun,” Kise said, giving you a smile that never failed to make your heart melt.

With a heavy sigh, you nodded slightly, “Alright I guess we can go then.”

Kise’s face lit up once again as his arms wrapped around you so tight that you felt like you couldn’t even breathe. “Yay, a date with Y/N-cchi!” he sang.

After school, the two of you walked to the cafe together. The weather was quite pleasant, and the bright yellow sun definitely improved your mood ever so slightly. As you walked, Kise took your hand in his like he usually would, but almost instantly, you pulled it away from him, gaining a look of confusion in response.

“What’s wrong, Y/N-cchi?” Kise asked, concerned.

“It’s nothing. My palms are just a bit sweaty, so I don’t think you’d wanna hold my hand,” you lied. You couldn’t help but be on edge in the case that someone was watching you.

“They felt fine to me, don’t worry about that,” Kise said, reaching for your hand once again.

You couldn’t really think of anything else to say to refuse without garnering any questions from him, so you reluctantly let him hold your hand, looking around anxiously. This keeping an eye out lasted for quite some time and Kise seemed to notice that your attention wasn’t fully directed towards him like it normally would be.

“Y/N-cchi, are you really sure everything is okay? You’ve barely even looked at me today,” Kise said as the two of you sipped on your drinks in the cafe.

“I’m fine,” you answered simply, over-correcting your actions by focusing on Kise and pretending everything was okay.

“Really? You seem really nervous,” Kise said.

“Ryouta, I’m fine, don’t worry,” you said, trying to sound as reassuring as possible.

“If there’s ever anything worrying you, you can tell me,” he said sincerely, placing his hand on top of yours and giving it a tight squeeze. “You know that, right?”

For a moment you really considered telling him what’s been bothering you, but you were afraid. You thought that it was really stupid of yourself to get affected so much by something like this and you didn’t want him to judge you for it— even though you were aware that he’d never do that.

“I know,” you nodded as you leaned back in your seat, filled with uncertainty and regret.

Once again, when you got back home, you were met with even more pictures of you and Kise from your date. You noticed that you had a frown on your face in pretty much all the photos. And of course the comments seemed to notice too.

‘lol his date doesn’teven look like they want to be there’, ‘that person looks annoying, why’s Kise dating someone like that’, ‘if I were with Kise I’d probably pay more attention to him than they are’.

Day by day, the comments increased. Kise’s agency managed to be able to keep the tabloids relatively silent about it. There were small articles here and there, but none of them were all too bad. However, there was no way they could control what was being said on the internet. Kise did call you up to remind you not to be too concerned about what people were saying. In fact, he urged you to do what he does and avoid the comment sections completely. But at that point, it was already too late. Looking at what others said about you online quickly became a daily thing, sending you down a spiral of self-destruction that only got worse.

Slowly, you began to avoid going outside and started making more and more excuses to not go out with Kise. You did still really like spending time with him, but the only time you were truly comfortable was when you were somewhere private with no other people around, and that wasn’t something Kise could do too often because he liked going outside.

He’d invite you to hang out with his friends every so often but you’d always refuse, saying that you were too busy. In all honesty, you hated lying to him but you felt like you had to.

One afternoon, you were laying down in bed after a tiring day of school and scrolling through comments yet again, when you heard the doorbell ring. It was Kise.

“Ryouta? What are you doing here?” you asked with a confused expression. “Don’t you have practice?”

“Yeah but you didn’t come to watch so I got worried,” Kise explained as he stepped into your house. “What happened, Y/N-cchi? You always watch my practice.”

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t feel too well,” you replied, your eyes fixed on the floor.

“What? Are you okay?” Kise asked, in a slightly panicked tone as his hand immediately reached for your forehead to check your temperature. “You seem fine.”

You responded with nothing but silence as you pursed your lips and continued to stare at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Kise leaned down to try and meet your gaze. “Y/N-cchi, what’s really going on? You’ve been really distant lately. Have you gotten tired of me or something?” Kise asked, his usual cheery voice suddenly going all soft.

“No, it’s nothing like that,” you shook your head, surprised that he’d even think of something like that.

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t know,” you mumbled.

“Y/N-cchi, please tell me what’s going on so that I can help. I really hate seeing you like this. I can’t remember the last time I saw a genuine smile from you, which sucks because I really like your smile,” Kise said as he cupped your face in his hands and tilted your head up to look at him in the eye.

You felt tears well up in your eyes as you thought back to all the things you’ve read about yourself. Kise genuinely cared for you and you told yourself yet again that you really don’t deserve him. “I just don’t feel very confident going out so much with you,” you admitted softly.

“What? Why’s that?” Kise asked, amber eyes filled with concern and worry.

“Because there are people who sneak photos of us and post them online. And the comments are always just so... mean,” you said, your voice breaking as tears began to roll down your cheeks.

“Didn’t I tell you not to look at those? What did they say?”

“T-That I’m not good enough for you, and that I don’t deserve you,” you replied, sobbing like a baby at this point.

“And you’re going to believe what a bunch of random people say about you?” Kise said, which silenced you for a moment as you thought about it. “Listen Y/N-cchi, you’re beautiful and kind and one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. I’m the luckiest person in the world because I get to call you mine. If anything, I don’t deserve you— I mean it. No one could ever make me think that you’re not good enough because in my eyes you’re my everything,” Kise said, voice so soft and tender that it just filled your body with warmth.

“Are you sure?” you asked, unable to process the fact that this boy had so much love for you.

Kise pecked your lips and gave you a smile. “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”

“I’m sorry for not talking about it to you sooner and acting so aloof,” you said.

“It’s okay. We can take it slow and just spend more time alone, alright?” Kise said as he wiped your tears away with his thumb.

“Yeah, that would be nice,” you sniffled.

“I hope you can see yourself the way I see you someday. You’re really amazing, Y/N-cchi. I love you so goddamn much,” he said, honey eyes full of care and sincerity as he placed a soft kiss on your forehead.

You couldn’t help but smile at the sound of those words that made your heart skip a beat, “I love you too, Ryouta.”

Kise’s face brightened up again as he too began to grin, “There’s that gorgeous smile— I’ve missed it.”

Aomine

Aomine was aware that you had times where you felt insecure every now and then and of course, he did his best to minimise it and check up on you to make sure you were alright. He seemed to be doing a fairly good job as well because your confidence was rather stable for a while.

One of the main reasons he’d always check up on you was because he was really slow on picking up when you did feel insecure. You were the kind of person to sit quietly and deal with your issues by yourself rather than reach out for help so that made it slightly difficult for him sometimes. Along with being slow at noticing, Aomine was often one to take things for granted. So when you seemed to be all happy and confident, he’d slowly begin checking up on you lesser and lesser.

You never realised how much you valued the attention from him though until it began to reduce. You seemed to have become emotionally dependent on Aomine and by the time you realised it, it was a little too late.

Slowly, as days went by, you began to feel more and more unsure about yourself as Aomine got busier. The Winter Cup was just around the corner and he was caught up with practices that he didn’t have as much time to tend to you. Nevertheless, he still went out of his way to call you up or visit you during his free time, though that time was never enough for you to open up about how you felt.

You weren’t sure when it happened, but before you knew it, your mind was clouded with dark thoughts that criticised your appearance and abilities. You’d often stand in front of the mirror and pick yourself apart piece by piece, feeling nothing but hatred towards the person that looked back at you.

You stopped enjoying the things you’d normally enjoy too. Things like art and reading became a burden as every time you’d pick up a pencil, you’d hate every stroke you made, and you couldn’t immerse yourself into books anymore because your mind would only just wander off into thoughts about the things you wanted to escape.

“Hey babe, how are you doing today?” Aomine said when you picked up his phone call one evening.

“I’m okay, are you heading back from practice?” you asked, able to hear a faint sound of footsteps in the background.

“Yep. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” he sighed.

“Didn’t you see me in school today?” You pointed out.

“Barely. Besides, that was hours ago. I miss you,” Aomine said.

“I miss you too,” you replied, hearing his voice somehow put a small smile on your face.

“Can we FaceTime instead? I want to see you,” he requested, which immediately wiped the smile away.

“I don’t think so,” you said, shaking your head even though he couldn’t see you.

“Why not? You can’t just keep that pretty face to yourself, you know. It’s not fair.”

“I look anything but pretty, trust me,” you said, playing it off as a joke even though you actually meant it.

“Oh come on. Please?”

“I said no, Daiki,” you snapped suddenly, shocking both you and Aomine. You definitely didn’t want to put yourself on video, however you didn’t realise how defensive you were about it until that point. But you stood by it.

There was a moment of silence as you took in what just happened before Aomine let out a heavy sigh. “Alright. It’s fine then I guess,” he said. There was definitely a change in his tone after that. What was previously an energetic and happy sound, was now more lukewarm and mellow, and you couldn’t help but feel responsible for it.

And now there was one more thing for you to beat yourself up over.

Aomine finally had a few days off of practice, and of course, the first thing he wanted to do was spend time with you. So he called you up.

“Hey, do you want to go out for a movie or something? I finally have some free time,” Aomine asked you.

“Um, I’m not sure. I don’t think I feel too well,” you said. The last place you wanted to go was outside. You had to walk to the convenience store the other day and you absolutely hated it because you felt like everyone was judging you in some way or the other, even though in reality, no one really looked at you for more than a second.

“Really? Is everything okay? Do you need to go to the doctor?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. I guess I’m just not feeling up to it,” you said.

“Then how about we do something tomorrow?” he suggested.

“I don’t know...”

“Y/N, I barely get to see you anymore. Are you sure you’re not avoiding me or something?” Aomine questioned, being more straightforward not to mask his hurt.

“I’m not.”

“Then why don’t you want to spend time with me?”

“I don’t know,” you mumbled, feeling overwhelmed at the pressure you felt to not make him hate you even more.

“Y/N, that’s not an answer,” he sighed.

You responded with silence as you finally decided to shut yourself up before you made things worse. With one more disappointed sigh, Aomine ended the call. The sound of the ringing finally caused you to break down into tears. You finally reached rock bottom. You chased away the one person who actually cared about you. He probably hates you now too.

Meanwhile, Aomine was striding towards your house after ending the phone call. It may have been a bit cruel to just cut it without saying a goodbye, but the frustration just took over. You weren’t even responding at that point so Aomine just decided to see what was wrong for himself. It took you a while to answer the door, and when you did, there was a forced smile on your tear stained face as you let him in.

“I’m sorry for cutting the call short. What’s wrong, Y/N?” he asked.

No response. You just stared at the floor.

Aomine’s hand reached for your cheek, “Hey, were you crying—“

He stopped when you flinched and shifted away before he could lay a finger on you. “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” you said coldly, wrapping your arms around your body and clenching your shirt.

“You won’t even let me touch you. Did I do something wrong?” Aomine asked, trying to think about whether or not he’d done anything to upset you recently. However, nothing added up as he barely saw you— there was no way he could’ve done anything.

You hated every moment of this. All you could think about was how you probably looked awful at that moment. He came so suddenly that you didn’t get a chance to fix yourself. Furthermore, you’d just been crying so you probably looked like a train wreck. He is definitely thinking about how bad I look, you thought. You didn’t want to find out though, so you just avoided all eye contact.

“You’re really not going to even talk to me?” Aomine asked, and as he expected there was yet again no response. He sighed. “Fine then. I’m not leaving your house until you tell me what’s going on.”

You watched as Aomine walked further into your house. He went straight into the kitchen, and you, not knowing what else to do, trailed behind him as he began to check the cabinets.

“I’m starving. Have you eaten lunch yet?” Aomine turned his head to look over at you. You shook your head. “Alright. I’ve been learning how to cook. I’m not guaranteeing a gourmet meal, but it should be edible... hopefully,” he said, beginning to pull out different ingredients.

“I’m not hungry,” you mumbled.

“Did you eat breakfast?”

“No.”

“Yeah I thought so. I’m making us some food,” he said dismissively.

You knew Aomine was stubborn so you didn’t try to argue any more because he’d make it no matter what you say.

You watched him walk up and down the kitchen and do his thing in silence. You really weren’t sure what he was trying to make. There were so many different ingredients that just didn’t make sense, but you just stood and watched.

About half an hour went by without a word from either of you. Aomine began humming a song as he stood over the stove, which strangely made you feel more at ease. As he stirred the pot, he seemed so harmless that you began to finally calm down and build up the courage to tell him.

Almost as if he could read your mind, he finally spoke up, “You ready to say something to me yet?

Another moment of silence passed by as you bit your lip in hesitation. Aomine was just about to let out another disappointed sigh when you muttered, “I’ve just been feeling really insecure lately.”

Hearing your voice caught Aomine off guard for a moment. Even though he was the one who asked you to speak up, a part of him was expecting nothing to happen yet again. He switched off the stove, wiped his hands and turned to face you, leaning against the counter as he did so. “Insecure? About what?”

“I don’t know. I just hate how I look. And everything I do feels so inadequate. Plus I haven’t gotten to see you in a while so I got the feeling that you probably hate me by now. I’m acting like a brat now, after all,” you said, voice soft but the pain was evident.

“I want to start off by saying, I could never hate you. You’re always on my mind Y/N. Why do you think I like to call you so much? Actually, why do you think I came all the way over here? It’s because I care about you,” he said.

You finally looked up at him again. He looked as gorgeous as ever. And this dark blue eyes were gentle and caring. Maybe you were overthinking it.

Aomine took you getting your eyes off the floor as a good sign. So he took a few steps closer to you. “And I get how you feel about the other stuff. I feel like that too sometimes. But honestly, I find you absolutely beautiful. I really don’t know how much weight my words have, but that’s what I think. You’re also so smart and talented, I really just think you need to be a little kinder to yourself,” he continued.

And just like that, the waterworks went for round two. You didn’t know how much you needed to hear those words until right then.

Aomine felt his heart ache at the sight of you in this state. He hesitated for a moment because of what happened when he tried to touch you earlier, but he soon wrapped his arms around you and hugged you tight. Almost immediately, you too wrapped your arms around him and sobbed into his chest, the smell of his cologne making you feel safe at your most vulnerable moment.

“I’m so sorry for being so distant. I’ve been so awful. I should’ve talked to you,” you cried. It was a bit difficult for Aomine to understand what you were saying through the tears but he processed it a few moments later as his fingers brushed through your hair reassuringly.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he said softly as he pulled away and held your shoulders so he could look you in the eye. “I’m just glad you told me.”

You nodded as you tried to stop yourself from crying.

“Here,” Aomine said, as he pulled off the black dog tag necklace he wore and put it around your neck. “It’s not much, but think of it as a reminder that you’re always amazing in my eyes.”

You felt your heart burst as you became teary-eyed again, except this time it was out of gratefulness.

“...is that too lame?” Aomine asked as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly when you didn’t say anything.

You immediately shook your head. “No, it means a lot. I-I love you.”

A smile spread across Aomine’s face. “I love you too, Y/N,” he said. “Alright, I’m gonna finish making our food, okay?”

“Sure,” you nodded as you watched him return to the stove. “But, can I ask what exactly you’re trying to make?”

“Um, ramen?”

You began to giggle, “Babe, I don’t think you should put tomato sauce in ramen.”

“Oh, right... I knew that.”

[leotssukinaga]

Flirting- Iwaizumi Hajime

Anon requested: you mentioned earlier that you were thirsty for iwa, and this isn't an nsfw request but could you write something in which the reader flirts with guys a lot and oikawa grew up with her and knows she does it bc she never really had positive male attention and he knows it's self destructive and he gets mad at her and they fight, and iwa goes after her and she's like "hes right, I only flirt because I want someone to love me" and iwas like are u fr I've been in love w u for years? (1/2 srry)  and she's like 'iwa you don't wanna date me I'm Fucked Up' and he doesn't care. and she's scared of commitment but agrees to Try and they date and they're super cute together? hcs or oneshot I don't mind!! (2/2) A/N: Iwa thirst includes being thirsty for his strong arms around me and a kiss on my cheek so I respect you, anon. we soft for Iwa in this house Warnings: Angst, mentions of an absent parent

You and Oikawa have known each other a long time

pre-middle school for sure

and obviously, if you know Oikawa you know Iwa too and you get on with him well enough

you're not as close to him as you are to Oikawa but like. if you were in trouble he'd probably be the one you called

the downside to this is that your crush on him will not go away, but your fear of commitment is way stronger

so you ignore it and do what you always do

which is to say: flirt with guys

now, oikawa is a flirt, and he doesn't see anything wrong with you being a flirt either. until he finds out WHY you're a flirt

and the moment he realises you don't do it because it's fun but out of some self destructive tendency, he's not having it.

he loves you, dammit. you're one of his best friends!! he's not gonna let you tear yourself apart like this

so you fight about it, a lot. but he never crosses the line

until you go with them to a tournament and he sees you hitting on one of the other teams captains after a game

and he's just. he's hyped up from the adrenaline of the win and he's worried about you and. this boy does not have a filter okay

"why is it any of your business who I flirt with, Tōru?"

"because you don't actually want his attention!"

"the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"if you actually wanted his attention, I'd be fine with it. who am I to judge? but I know you only flirt because your dad didn't bother to stick around and you think attention from random guys is gonna fix that, but it won't! flirting with them isn't gonna change the fact that he doesn't love you!"

everyone in the vicinity flinched when he said that. he was fairly certain you were about to kill him, and he wouldn't blame you

but you just scoffed and walked away

which was worse. way, way worse.

He went to follow you but mattsun and makki stopped him. He could only make the situation worse now.

Iwa went after you instead. He knew that to end the argument without a word you had to be pretty upset.

he found you eventually, and he could tell you'd been crying

he didn't say a word, just sat next to you

"Iwa..."

"Oikawa's a dick."

"Oikawa's right"

"Doesn't make him not a dick."

"Yeah, I guess... Am I an idiot?"

"I don't think so."

"I just... I want to be loved, and I know that they don't love me but if I can pretend they do for a minute or two then things feel a little better. I'm never gonna find real love, not when I'm like this. I can't even see myself as valuable, why should they?"

"Y/N. Even if every guy you'd ever hit on didn't want you, there'd be at least one guy out there who thought you were the most important person in the world."

You let out a bemused scoff.

"Really? Who?"

"Me."

"Iwa..."

"I mean it. Everything about you amazes me. You're so strong, even after everything you've been through. You have the prettiest laugh I've ever heard, I'd set it as my ringtone if I could. All those times I called you randomly had nothing to do with the excuses I gave you. it's always because I wanted to hear your voice, to imagine you smiling at my words, to take up just a few minutes of your time where all you were thinking about was me."

"You don't wanna be with me, Iwa." You were crying again, and he wasn't sure if it was because of his confession or something else.

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't. I hit on guys I don't like because I think male attention will magically fix my dad abandoning me. I don't remember the last time I was actually happy, I don't know how to get better, and I'm definitely not a good person. I'm a screw up. You can find a better girl to date."

"I don't want a 'better girl'. You're the best girl there is, Y/N. The only girl I want. And I want all of you, screw ups and daddy issues included."

"And my fear of commitment? You think that'll disappear overnight?"

"Of course it won't, but you can get better. We'll find a way. You know I'll go away if you really don't want to be with me, but you have to tell me that. Outright."

"Iwa I.... I do wanna be with you. But I don't want to lose you once you see who I really am."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't- please don't leave."

You sounded so small when you said that, he just wanted to hold you forever.

He takes your hand in his and looks into your eyes.

"I won't."

Achievement unlocked! Dating Iwaizumi

this includes:

him ranting to oikawa 98 times a week about how much he hates your dad for leaving you

him convincing you to go to therapy and work shit out in a healthy way

he's a proper gentleman!! you're like "a loving relationship? I don't know her" and he's like "well let's fuckin introduce the two of you you guys are best buds now!"

bc this boy fuckin. cherishes you and you need to know that and he will show it in any way possible

still calls you in the middle of the night but doesn't come up with dumb excuses anymore

literally just "hajime it's 3am"

"i wanted to hear your voice"

"that's cute but hajime it's 3am"

reassurance hours are always and never ending

bc Iwa will NEVER leave you, not unless you want him to

and he’s gonna make sure you know that

youre a little clingy, maybe, but he really doesn’t mind

at least if youre hanging off his arm 24/7 he knows you’re safe and can see if somethings wrong

(yes, it takes some time for the team to get used to the fact that where iwa goes, you go. if you’re not holding hands you’re sitting in his lap and he’s so much milder now and its strange.  who’d have thought he’d be the soft boyfriend?)

he’s protective as fuck, too

iwa will do anything to keep you safe and make you smile

he just loves you okay?? you better fucking accept it bc he's very willing to cuddle you until it's hammered in there. got it?

jUsT lEt HiM lOvE you

[drabbledragon]

Linktober: Fall

Still a few days behind but I’m catching up! I’ll be up to date in no time!

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26749021/chapters/65731681

Summary: One of the Links is always changing, just like the leaves in fall.

Warnings: Swearing

Day 6: Fall

This forest was unlike anything the group had ever encountered before. Tall Aspen trees towered over them and created a mosaic of red, orange, and yellow up in the treetops, and a small stream trickled peacefully by small river rocks. The dirt ground beneath them was laden with hoof tracks and piles of leaves, with no indication that humans nor Hylians have ever stepped foot in this very forest. The place was wild, breathtaking, and absolutely beautiful in all its untamed might.

“It appears that we’re stuck in between eras.” The Hero of Time had concluded. The group discussion they had had a little while ago turned out to be inconclusive, with their best guess being a time between Twilight’s and Wild’s eras - but even that claim was a bit shaky.

Sky stepped forward and curiously looked at the trees around him. “ We haven’t seen any monsters here yet,” He turned back and regarded the other heroes with pinched brows, “ So do you guys think we’re in a time where Ganon doesn’t exist?”

“We very well could be.” Warriors chimed in.

The heroes had broken out into another murmured discussion about the matter, each one of them trying to figure out why exactly the Goddess would send them to a timeline with no destruction and no one to save. Among those several heroes was Four, eyes distant as his four personalities argued in his head.

C’mon, Blue, it’ll be fun!

Red, I’m not going to act like a five year - old and jump into a pile of leaves.

Awww, please? They’re so colorful and pretty and they make a cool crunch sound when you step on them! And this might be our only chance to relax and have some fun! Plus you heard Sky: there are no monsters here so we don’t have to worry about getting attacked or anything!

One, that’s not what Sky said; Sky said that we haven’t seen any monsters yet, meaning that there could very well be monsters, but just hidden. Two, how do you think the others would react? They’ll most likely treat us like little kids after, and I don’t want to be teased all the time like Wind.

But Vioooo, it’s just a little pile of leaves. Maybe everyone else will join when they see us jump in first! The corner of Four’s lips twitched.

Guys, Warriors is talking to us.

The Hero of the Four Sword was startled back into reality, and nearly shrunk under the captain’s expectant gaze. Struggling to find his voice, he stuttered out a quick, “ H - huh?”

“I asked you what you thought about the situation.” The Hero of Warriors frowned. Then with a placement of hands on hips and a raised brow, the man questioned, “ Were you even listening to a thing I’ve been saying?”

“Oh, um ...” The silence between them was palpable, and no matter how much of four’s personalities tried to rack their brains for the captain’s recent words, all they could think about was Red’s excitable personality bubbling to the surface. Green could feel himself quickly becoming suppressed under his red counterpart’s desire to let loose and have some fun, and he could feel his gaze flickering more and more to the piles of leaves rather than Warriors’s face. Three - quarters of him begged Red not to give in to his impulsivity, but they were fighting a losing battle, and Red was clearly the victor.

Four was pushing past Warriors before he even knew it.

Seven curious faces and an offended Warriors watched as their smallest hero leapt into the pile of foliage, giggling and smiling as colorful leaves fluttered around him like winter’s snow. His face was alight with newfound joy as he mindlessly tossed red, orange, and yellow leaves into the air, and for once, he felt like just another child enjoying a crisp autumn day. He idly wondered how long it had been since he was last able to be his exuberant self - to just abandon his duty as a knight and enjoy the small joys in life. He abruptly froze.

Red! What did you do? Everyone’s staring!

Oh my Goddesses, they’re never gonna let us live this down.

If we have to explain ourselves, you’re the one who’ll have to do it.

Red looked to the remaining heroes with tears in his eyes. Oh man, what’s he going to say?

He startled when a rush of blue and blonde jumped into the pile of leaves next to him.

“Woohoo!” Wind shouted when he popped his head out the pile, leaves and twigs tangled into his hair. He looked to the Hero of the Four Sword and beamed, “ That was really fun! Let’s do that again, Four!”

And the Hero of the Four Sword glowed, his red eyes bright with elation.

Not long after, Wild, Hyrule, and a newly - transformed Wolfie had joined in, each one of them caught in a fit of giggles and whoops as they hopped from leaf pile to leaf pile. It appeared that the heroes' concern about being dropped into an unfamiliar Hyrule had slowly dribbled away, giving way to amusement as they watched the five heroes let loose and enjoy themselves. With a warm smile, Time decided,

“I guess we’ll be staying here for the night.”

Dusk had quickly approached soon after, causing fading rays of sunlight to shine weakly through the trees. The Hero of Twilight and the Hero of the Four Sword walked purposefully through the forest, the former remaining in his Twili form as the two scoured the area for food.

The smaller of the two heroes took out his makeshift - shopping list Wild had given him, and scanned it over for the umpteenth time.

Well we have the mushrooms and apples the cook asked for, so we’re really just missing the honey.

We know, Vio. Can you just stop looking over that thing every five seconds? It’s starting to piss me off.

Wolfie questioningly looked back as he heard the paper crumple in the other’s hands, but Four simply ignored him.

Blue, it’s okay! I’m sure Vio’s doing his best! Plus it’s hard for us to remember things, right? So it’s okay for him to check back every once in a while.

Sure, but every five fucking seconds? None of us have memory issues that bad; Vio’s either messing with us or actually has amnesia like Wild. 

Hey, look!

Red, Blue, and Vio all looked to where Green mentally motioned. There it was: their last ingredient was hanging on a high branch just above them, the bee’s nest swinging idly in the cool breeze.

“It’s really high up,” Twilight pursed his lips, his form now that of a Hylian’s. “ Maybe I can grab it with my Clawshot.” He was just about to search for his aforementioned tool when a sudden snort caught his attention.

“Really, Wolfboy? You need something like that to get a little bee’s nest? I can get that with my bow and arrow in one shot, no doubt.”

The Hero of Twilight looked over the other with obvious skepticism. “ Blue eyes, huh? So I guess Blue’s the one doing the talking.” Then with a taunting smirk, he asked, “ Hmph, up for a little challenge?”

Blue, just please say no.

“You bet your furry ass I am!”

Green mentally facepalmed.

“Then it’s settled,” Twilight said, taking out an orange Rupee and waving it around. “ First one to get the beehive gets 100 Rupees.”

100 Rupees? Blue gawked, that was going to be an easy win! With Vio’s precision and Green’s coordination, the four of them were guaranteed to win! Blue reached down to his bag to find his Bow, but paused when he felt that something was off. With a slow glance down, he was slightly horrified to find that his tunic was completely blue.

He quickly swivelled on his heels and frowned to see his three counterparts smiling right back at him. “Hey, seriously?! You guys are quitting on me just like that?!”

“Well you’re the one that wanted to challenge Twilight, not us.” Vio shrugged. “ So if you want to win, then do it fairly.”

“Yeah,” Red chimed in. “ I wanna see you win!”

Blue gritted his teeth. Really? His three other counterparts were bailing on him just because of something so stupid as playing fair? They were all part of the same person, for Hylia’s sake; using each one of their abilities was totally fair! He shrunk when he felt Twilight’s shadow looming over him.

“Well, Blue?” His eyes darted over to the Ordonian’s smirk. “ Is our competition still on? Or do you just wanna hand me my 100 Rupees now?”

There was a moment of hesitance from Four’s blue counterpart until he finally shouted back, “ You’re on, Furball!”

The two heroes each positioned themselves on either side of the tree, bows readily aimed at their  unsuspecting prize. Blue did his best not to tremble under the pressure, but after taking a glance at the cool, calm, and collected Ordonian standing right across from him, he couldn’t help but feel his confidence wane like a dying fire. 

“Ready ...” Green drawled from a distance, hand raised readily in the air.

Blue took a steadying breath. He could do this; just one little hit at the bee’s nest’s stem and those 100 Rupees were as good as his.

“Go!”

The call caused two arrows to fly simultaneously through the air like a quick gust of wind, both projectiles aimed at the same target. They both sliced through the air at an amazing speed but just as Blue had feared, Twilight’s arrow had reached the nest first, easily nicking the stem and sending the hive falling towards the ground.

But Blue wasn’t done yet. He may have lost the battle, but he’ll win the war.

Four’s blue counterpart broke into a sprint almost immediately after, arms strewn out in an attempt to catch the nest. He had successfully caught it when it was just a hair’s breadth away from hitting the ground, and he couldn’t help but cheer out in victory; but he had poorly miscalculated his win, because the next thing he knew, his degree of momentum had sent him tumbling towards the ground with a roll, and the steep decline of the hill only seemed to spur him on. He eventually ended up in a nearby stream not long after, with arms raised above his head in order to avoid the beehive from getting wet while the rest of him was currently drowning underwater. When he was finally able to gain his bearings, he sat up and looked to his three counterparts and the Ordonian looking back at him from the top of the hill, Vio and Twilight doing their best to hold in their laughter while Red and Green didn’t even bother.

Wild was cooking later that night, the smell of Glazed Mushrooms and Honeyed Apples wafting through the air in a tantalizing manner. Four sat blissfully next to the small campfire, and watched quietly as the group’s resident cook stirred the pot once again.

The Hero of Wilds pursed his lips as he said, “I honestly thought there would be more honey in that hive, but since we’re in a weird sorta Hyrule - limbo, I guess it would make sense if everything was a little bit off.”

Yes, Blue, it is weird that there wasn’t much honey in there.

Blue’s sudden flare of anger caused Four’s jaw to stiffen.

Y’know what, Vio? How about you go get the honey next time? I can sit there and supervise you while you do it and after you’re done drowning in a river, I can go over and laugh at you. 

It’s your fault for challenging Twilight like that; you knew he would win.

Hey, doesn’t that smell like dad’s cooking?

The four of them sharpened their focus to the warm smell that was coming from the pot, and each one of them hummed in agreement.

Yeah, you’re kinda right, Red.

I wonder what he’s up to, him being the head knight and all.

Oooo, you think he’s drinking hot chocolate right now? I bet that vendor in Castletown is already selling some!

Idiot, he’s probably working his ass off protecting the castle! He doesn’t have time for stupid stuff like that!

“I miss him.”

Every personality within Four inwardly gasped at Green’s sudden words, and none of them missed the confused side - glance Wild gave them.

The cook’s brows pinched together as he said, “ You missing someone?”

“I, uh -” Green, who was now forcibly shoved to the front to deal with their situation, racked his brain for a way to explain himself; but when none came, he eventually settled on a wistful sigh and said, “ Yeah, I just miss my dad.”

“Oh yeah? What’s he up to now?”

“Well, he’s the head knight in my Hyrule, so he’s probably off protecting Zelda and stuff like that.” A nostalgic smile crossed his lips. “ When I was a little kid, my dad always used to make me fresh - cooked eggs and honeyed fruit for breakfast, and just before he headed out, he would always tell me how much he loved me even when I was a little brat, and I would always give him the biggest hug back. It’s been awhile since I’ve last seen him, but I know he misses me a lot, and he’s eagerly waiting for the day I come back home.” He nonchalantly shrugged. “ I guess you’re cooking just reminded me of him.”

Green sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth. What was he thinking telling Wild of all people about his family?! He knew the Hero of Wilds’s was very sensitive about the matter, and for Green to just go on and practically brag about how his family was still alive and well? What an idiot!

But to Four’s pleasant surprise, the cook simply answered back with a longing smile. “ I got a few people I’ve been missing, too: my Zelda, Impa, Sidon - I know they’re all their wits end trying to figure out where the hell I went, so hopefully we’ll be able to stop by my Hyrule soon and I could explain to them what’s going on.” He propped a cheek on one of his hands and wondered aloud, “ I wonder if we could visit Sidon first. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen him and I did promise him that we’d go swimming at Palmorae Beach soon.” 

Green smiled. At least they all had someone to go home to.

The full moon casted a beautiful light across their camp tonight, and the peaceful and quiet atmosphere seemed to compel the heroes into talking about their adventures again.

“Okay, but did you really fight the moon?”

“Perhaps, but that’s for me to know and for you to find out.”

“Jeeze, Old Man, you’re such a tease.”

The camp seemed alight with cheer and good banter, but one of the Links was quiet, plate in hand and eyes glued onto his shadow.

Warriors. Sleep. Snore.

Vio’s eyes lit up with mundane amusement. He had figured out what his shadow was trying to say: Warriors was caught snoring one night, and to be honest, it was pretty hilarious to watch in Shadow’s opinion.

Out of the four personalities that resided in Four’s body, Vio had become the best at deciphering what Shadow was trying to say, and that was pretty impressive considering the latter had to use some modified form of sign language so the four of them could actually see the signs he was trying to make. Having your shadow hold a hand in front of its own body did make it impossible to pull any kind of meaning from it, after all.

“Your shadow: it’s facing the wrong direction.”

Red, Blue, and Green all startled at the Hero of Time’s sudden observation, but Vio was good at keeping up appearances in tense situations. With a flash of disinterested violet eyes, he glanced to Time and explained in a hush voice, “ It’s a side effect of the Four Sword; the magic held by it seemed to change everything about us.”

The leader of the group regarded him for a few more tense seconds before tiredly sighing, “ Ah, the things you poor boys went through. If I could’ve prevented any of your adventures from ever happening, I would.” And with that being said, Time turned back to the rest of the Links, an amused smile on his lips as he watched their antics. 

Hylia, Vio, you just saved all of our asses.

Yeah, did you see that scary look Time was giving us?! I almost couldn’t breathe for a second!

Do you think he’ll just let us live this down? Like do you think he’ll ever bring this up again?

Thank you. Vio.

Vio smiled at Shadow’s gratitude. He had saved all of his counterparts from a terrible interrogation and from a chance of being casted away from the group just because he was technically some derivative of a Dark Link. 

A sigh blew through his nose.

Sure, Shadow may have been an enemy hellbent on killing every single one of Four’s personalities before but he had changed, coming to the realisation that Vaati’s wish to plunge all of Hyrule into darkness was beyond cruel, and he had taken to sacrificing himself all for the sake of making sure that Red, Blue, Green, and Vio were able to save the kingdom in time. Shadow was on their side - every one of Four’s counterparts were sure of it - but the rest of the Links wouldn’t understand.

But things change, just like the leaves in fall, and just like Four’s personalities.

<Previous Next>

[allmycrushesaredead]

Sad - Chapter 3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24480694/chapters/67817831

Summary:  

Remus offers his advice in his own unique way.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, self-esteem issues, self-harm, cutting

ANGST!! You have been warned!

Originally published on 10-15-2020

Words: 1605

Chapters: 3/?

Remus had a feeling that Patton wasn’t doing so good up in his head, but he knew better than to worm his sorry ass into a situation he wasn’t wanted in.

Remus had the blessed ability to hear allll the little evil voices in everyone’s heads, not to mention his own demented friends who took up dwellings in the deep, dark crevices of his mind. So it wasn’t too much of a shocker when he started to hear those dreadful dicks coming over from Patton’s brain.

They all whispered darkly, sowing seeds of self-hatred and self doubt. They told Patton he wasn’t loved, wasn’t cared for, wasn’t important.

Just shut up and do your job. No one cares if wittle baby Patton is sad. Why would they care about you? What have you done that deserves love? You literally split Creativity. That was your fault. Your job is to be happy. Suck it up and grow a pair.

Remus wanted to bash their heads in with a blunt axe. He want to chop their heads off, tear out their eyeballs and replace them with candles, then use them to decorate his room. He wanted to—

Well… you get the picture.

And besides, they were just thoughts. He couldn’t do shit to actually harm them, no matter how much he wanted to.

When the thoughts slowly darkened, Remus wanted to rip his own heart out. It hurt too much just thinking about the fact that Patton would even consider following through with his thoughts.

He knew Patton had started cutting. He knew because of those voices that told him to slice his skin like bread whenever he got upset. That didn’t happen unless you already started cutting.

Remus didn’t judge him for doing it though. There was something cathartic about watching your very life source trickle out, to know you had the ability to end it all right there in your hand. The pain forced your brain to shut the fuck up for just two seconds. Remus could understand the appeal. Hell, he’d done it himself more than he could count. Watching the wounds heal in slow motion could silence his brain for hours on end, granting a much needed reprieve from the clashing and yelling of his thoughts.

Remus absentmindedly dragged a nail over his raised scars while he laid in bed, thinking. That was never a good sign. When Remus thought, that meant he was about to do some stupid shit he would regret later.

Today, it seemed like that stupid shit was going to be confronting Patton.

Rolling out of bed, he pulled on his usual outfit, applying his makeup with a practiced hand.

Suddenly, he caught a whiff of coffee and food. Realization blooming on his face, Remus dashed to his bed, plopping down to yank on his boots, then grabbing his morning start. You never know who you’re gonna have to kill over breakfast, he thought, a wicked grin overtaking his features as he skipped down the stairs.

As he skidded to a screeching halt in the kitchen’s entrance, Remus shot Logan, Virgil, and Patton a gap-toothed grin, leaning suggestively against the doorway.

“Morning, dorks!” he shouted, swinging his morning star with one hand.

Virgil rolled his eyes from where he was perched on the counter, though Remus caught a glimpse of a smile from behind his coffee mug. Patton gave a small wave, pulling a coffee mug down from the cabinet, filling it to the brim, then handing it to the side. Logan stared at his coffee mug, the tips of his ears tinged pink. After a moment, he risked a glace at Remus, only to find that Remus was staring at him, a knowing smirk plastered across his face. The normally solemn side blushed a furious red, coughing awkwardly before shuffling out to the dining room. “I’ll… go set the table,” he muttered, face still bright red.

Virgil chuckled lightly before catching Remus’ pointed look. Giving a small, discrete nod, he said, “I’ll go help him, then. Can I take the plates and silverware? Seems like Logan forgot those.”

“Alright, kiddo!” Patton replied. “I’ll just finish up the food. It’ll be ready in just a second.”

As Virgil stepped out of the kitchen, balancing a stack of plates and silverware, Remus stepped away from his spot in the doorway, approaching Patton cautiously.

“Soooo…. about the whole slicey-slicey thing?” Remus probed, miming slitting his wrist.

Patton froze, his shoulders tensing as he paled. “W-what do you mean?”

“Y’know… the whole cutting thing? The whole self-harm thing? The whole cutting your skin open and watching yourself bleed thing? The whole—”

“Nope! Yeah, I… I got it… Just, um… how’d you know… about that?”

“Well, me kinda being the embodiment of intrusive thoughts and all, I can kinda hear all intrusive thoughts from the others… including you.”

“I am so sorry, Remus. If I had known—”

“How could ya have? And, besides, its not like you coulda just not thought the thoughts. It’s kinda the whole reason they’re called intrusive.”

“Still, I don’t want you to have to deal with that on top of what you already have to deal with.”

“It’s part of my job! Besides, I’d rather know what’s going on inside your head so I can… I dunno… help, I guess? Geez, stop making me sound so sappy, you’re gonna ruin my reputation,” Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Still…. I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine! You should hear some of the shi- stiff! Stuff… that, uh, Logan has to listen to. Of course he’s got the whole, ‘I’m not good enough’ thing going on, but then he’s got the whole ‘I’m not supposed to have emotions’ thingy, on top of the ‘I’m failing Thomas and the others if I take time for myself’ thing. And that’s not even the worst of it! It’s insane the amount of irrational and self-destructive thoughts he has, considering that he always has a rebuttal for anyone else’s illogical thinking. And don’t get me started on Roman! He—”

“Remus! Wait, please,” Patton cut him off abruptly. “I- I don’t think you should be telling me this, not with out the others knowing. We need to talk about it, but… with the others, m’kay?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, sorry… I got a little carried away with my train of thought there…” He paused a moment, trying to remember where he was going with this. “I just… I know I’m not the best person to go to for hwlp with stuff like this… In fact, I normally make it worse… but, go to someone when you need to talk? Don’t keep these thoughts bottled up inside. I know I’m kinda being hypocritical here, but… ask someone to help you work through these thoughts. Repression works for a period of time, but eventually you’re gonna have to wake up and smell the cow manure. And, believe me. It’s much easier to face your problems when someone’s there to help you than to go it alone. If you’re hurting, I want to know so I can help. And I know the others feel the same…”

Patton stood in shock for a moment, tears glistening in his eyes. Suddenly, he surged forward, wrapping Remus in his embrace. Remus wordlessly cradled the moral side in his arms, tucking his face into Patton’s neck to hide the glistening of tears in his own eyes. After a moment, Patton pulled away, smiling softly at him. Retrieving their coffee mugs that had both been abandoned on the counter during their discussion, Patton topped them off with fresh coffee before returning the octopus one to Remus.

Gladly accepting the drink, Remus chucked once more. “Geez, my reputation totally just jumped out of the window… of the plane… while in flight…. Anyways, I gotta pull myself together! Can’t have people thinking I’m some sappy, lovey-dovey friend, now can I? Hold up, lemme get back in character.”

Remus began squawking loudly, shaking out his limbs and pulling strange faces. After a moment of this, with Patton giggling from behind his hand, he resumed a somewhat normal expression… at least… normal for Remus… which meant slightly crazed. Cracking his neck loudly, he blurted out, “So, about our resident nerd… that was quite a strange reaction to my presence, don’t ya think?”

Patton giggled again, hugging his mug to his chest. “I’d say!” he replied.

“Oooh! I wonder if Logie-poo has the hots for me!” Remus said with a cackle.

Patton blushed lightly at the phrasing, but pressed on bravely. “I dunno, kiddo! Sure looked strange to me, though!”

Remus gasped dramatically. “I bet he had a wet dream or something, and now he can’t look at me without seeing me in all my naked glory!”

Patton choked on his coffee, his face blooming into a burning blush. He stammered a moment in shock before attempting to change the subject. “You wanna help me carry the food out, bud?” Patton squeaked, fanning his face with one hand.

Remus let out another cackle. “Of course, Patty-pal! I gotta try and eat it all before Roman wakes up! He’ll be pissed!” he replied, sounding delighted at the prospect. To emphasize his point, he scooped a handful of scrambled eggs up with his bare hand, shoveling it into his mouth. “Let’s go! No time to waste!” he called to the still flustered side, somehow balancing all the trays of food in one hand.

“C-coming!” Patton cried, gathering the strawberries and whipped crème.

“That’s what he said,” Remus muttered.

“What was that, Remus?”

“Nothin’, Pops! Nothin’ at all.”

[dolphin-enthusiast]

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

[redandfranticfeelings]

in light of the final trailer finally dropping, i should finally post some of my bojack season 6 part 2 theories/predictions/guesses/hopes/etc.

warning: this gets very long!!! also, spoilers for everything, obviously.

the moore-carsons have to return. in fact, i think it’d be really interesting if the cold open of the first episode in part 2 was about charlotte. after all, there’s going to presumably be a flashback to bojack during the time when he was friends with charlotte and herb...

given that season 6 overall opened with a flashback to sarah lynn’s death, maybe season 6 part 2 will open on what happened in the moore-carson house after bojack left penny and charlotte behind? since those are the two major incidents that part 1 set up to bite bojack in the ass. however theyre also not anywhere in the trailer, meaning they might not physically show up, or maybe something about their appearance would be a huge spoiler.

we also see bojack return to the club where he did stand-up during the 80s. this is probably what triggers the above flashback. maybe this ties into the charlotte thing too, as mentioned above?

that scene of bojack with the letter from hollyhock has a lot of people talking, with how last season ended and how his hands shake holding it. interesting that it’s a letter and not a phone call or online message. this leads me to believe something physical must be in the letter, like money or some sort of memento or personal record. or maybe she just wants to be old-fashioned. it seems there is some issue b/w hollyhock and bojack because there’s an empty seat when he invites her to some sort of show he’s in, maybe with his wesleyan students. (also diane looks very unamused, even though she and bojack ended on a good note, which feeds the idea that this is after bojack did something bad or something bad about him came out. also, who are all these people in tuxes? are these waiters? is this tied to mr pb buying elefante?)

i actually believe hollyhock will learn about maddy but not about penny, and bojack will assume she knows about penny and forget completely about maddy. this will lead bojack to realize something i don’t think he really has even after all his development: he needs to care about the people he hurts who were never close to him, because they’re still people even if he didn’t want their attention and didn’t “lose” anything in hurting them.

many people have noted that doctor champ isn’t a legal therapist and thus might not be under disclosure agreements, which leads me to believe that he will release information about bojack out of pure spite. i also believe maddy could be doctor champ’s daughter, which would give him even more reason to hate bojack.

however i believe that if everything about bojack does come out...the public won’t really care. it feels within the show’s nature to make a story about how “cancel culture” doesn’t really hold up well and how people will learn about a celebrity, but not care about what they did as soon as some other news overshadows it, and the celebrity won’t really lose anything in their career most of the time. bojack will suffer personally but his career won’t suffer as a result of being “cancelled.” this might actually send him spiraling and maybe he will try to convict himself or something, if he’s still at that level of self-punishing behavior.

something really interesting is that bojack is talking to biscuits braxby, the host of the talk show where he and gina covered up the strangling story. the fact this is the person to whom he’s dumping all his angst...concerns me. is he coming clean about that? does gina know he’s coming clean about that?

speaking of gina, i think she will connect with kelsey after all, maybe even work on the movie. i think kelsey will see past the hollywoo bullshit and suspect gina isn’t being given a fair chance. idk if it’ll work out but it feels in-character for her. i just really hope we see more about kelsey’s movie and i hope it’s a success.

somebody else had to point this out for me to notice, but bojack appears as a...corpse?? in an episode of birthday dad. this means he must lose his teaching job somehow, or at least goes back to acting in LA during his break.

on the subject of mr peanutbutter, i have a lot of thoughts about where his plot is going to go. for a while i thought pickles was going to leave him for joey pogo because of how episode 7 seemed to imply mr pb would set them up and joey is a lot like mr peanutbutter except close to pickles in age and spirit. i assumed this would send mr peanutbutter into a deep depression due to being truly alone for the first time in his life, which would ironically get him fired from making speeches about depression because he becomes unmotivated and irritable, which are symptoms of depression considered “too ugly” for the mainstream (bjhm is just the show to drop that sort of message on us). however, this theory is muddled by both this and the netflix january trailer showing them still together. so if the above does happen, it probably won’t happen right away. (maybe pickles will propose a polyamorous relationship but mr peanutbutter will feel actually jealous?)

and while i don’t like the bojack suicide theory at all, if i have to pick a main character to die, i would put my money on mr peanutbutter, or at least that he’d get really badly hurt after putting on an impulsive grand gesture. his path in life is self-destructive and reckless in its own right, and when he loses everybody, i think he’ll lose himself. i picture him waiting outside diane’s old apartment not realizing she’s moved away for good, possibly getting sick on the sidewalk, hachiko style. however i’m not married to the idea of killing off any character.

on the subject of diane, i really like that we’re seemingly getting more focus on her issues again, and we get more art styles to demonstrate her angst. this one actually resembles the teenage diane from “the dog days are over” which means it could be a flashback. more info on diane’s childhood!

i also think guy’s son is going to muddle things for diane. as good as guy treats her, the son seems to be a major issue with guy, and diane has made it clear she doesn’t want kids so any long-term commitment probably won’t work out. i do hope things don’t end badly for her, and i really hope she doesn’t run back to mr peanutbutter or bojack. maybe she’ll take time to focus on herself and finish that book?

another interesting turn would be if maybe diane’s book ends up being about something that makes her happy rather than something that she thinks is important but stresses her out. or maybe she finds people who will listen to her and actually help her make change in the world, maybe not immediately, but in the long run.

as for princess carolyn i think her plot seems pretty straightforward. the only thing that seems to be implied is a stronger relationship with judah. i wonder if he’ll move in with her, since he’s in her apartment in one of the trailer scenes? she also goes to see him play in a band which seems to suggest we will learn more about judah and PC will get to know him as a person. i wonder if they’ll tease the idea of them as a romantic item, but i don’t think that would stick, though judah is a great man. (maybe we’ll learn he had a partner all along, or maybe he’s aromantic, or maybe he simply doesn’t want to date PC and make things weird knowing how her other work romances blew up in her face.)

as for todd, i’m wondering what’s up with his mom. i wonder if she gave him shit for his asexuality? all we know is she kicked him out of the house and he has some issue with her that makes his sunny attitude sink very quickly. i’m assuming she must have been cold and judgmental towards him like bojack used to be, but maybe even moreso. she probably wanted him to be more serious or something and he couldn’t follow through. i assume she’ll recover fully from her ailments (because they probably don’t want to try to top free churro) and maybe try to become close to todd again through some zany adventures (maybe tied to the reason she was in a coma). i feel like it won’t perfectly work out, though. todd and his father might be able to become closer, though.

i don’t know why margo martindale is threatening todd either, maybe she needs him for a caper? that’s bound to be wacky. imagine if margo is somehow tied to his mother?

todd’s bunny gf looks adorable, and i hope this relationship goes well. i notice maude has some family pictures up and i wonder if her being a rabbit will be relevant, because of the stereotype of rabbit families being so big. maybe her parents will want her to have kids but she’s unsure because she’s asexual. maybe she and todd will evetually have kids through nonsexual means, like adoption or sperm donation, if only because he’s so great with ruthie and the exploration earlier in the season of his family relationships might add some fuel to an arc about him as a father. however i wouldn’t die on this hill, though i do feel like maude and todd will work out.

in fact, i noticed todd is in formal wear during part of the promo and a lot of people from todd stories are there like emily’s firefighter boyfriend and the assistant from when todd was a ceo. initially i thought maybe this was a wedding party but then i realized maude is in the background talking to princess carolyn. i wondered if maybe this is for the peanutbutter and pickles wedding. however since todd is schmoozing and mr pb is giving out drinks, i think it must be something tied to both of them, so maybe a pb living related party?

(the following shot has pickles in formal wear but mr peanutbutter isn’t, and pb looks sad, so she’s going somewhere fancy without him which interests me, maybe connected to the above “pickles tries to date both joey pogo and peanutbutter but pb is jealous and depressed” theory)

i have a feeling they’ll do a time skip of substantial length for the final moments of the show. something that show’s bojack and his friends’ legacy or lack thereof. we can see an older ruthie, and how hollywoo changes, and how people remember bojack if they even do. it could end very bittersweet this way. but that’s just a wild guess, lol.

[incarnateirony]

Queer meta writer DrSilverFish asks, "So is Dean’s bisexuality still subtext, after this episode?" and answers "Yes, given that out there in the fly-by-night froth of mainstream entertainment journalism, it remains (as far as I can see, in my admittedly brief trawl) unremarked upon in 15x07 episode reviews." Guess she's an idiot or a hater, huh? Couldn't be she's just being realistic about what is happening. And that 15x07 didn't make Dean bi in canon. Tough luck. Maybe next time!

You mean the blog I indirectly without naming to be tactful and not directly drag my fellow LGBT community members mentioned previously liking (and, frankly, probably formerly the blog I engaged most?) and boycotting for regressive language so as to not elevate that kind of voice? Like… you know, the reason I voluntarily even said I was going to stop posting meta that brought related traffic? That one? Might as well clear that one up now if we’re playing this game. Already on it. Already, apparently, far more alert to you about it lmao what are you like a day or two late.

Queer people can in fact use regressive language and be misguided. That’s what years of gaslighting does to people. But nice tokenism of slinging someone out there by employing their sexuality, there’s plenty more saying the opposite, that isn’t how that works. Stay woke though sweetie.

Stand for something. For. Fuck. Sake.

And standing doesn’t involve using LGBT people with your preferred opinion as a token to sling at others and throw them under the bus while you hide on anon when you can’t actually broach or address the actual related queer history discussions or any of the other angles about why it’s problematic. I may be avoiding supplying traffic to the blog right now while truly believing them misguided, but you have already jumped past several pales with this one, Nonnie. 

The exploitative self-demonstrating faux activism just JUMPED out. If you wanna slapfight over throwing tokens around, the 50~ new followers I just got in the topic would probably like to have a word, or… probably not, because people like you are why they’re hiding their commentary in reblog tags. Me, a niche blog, who can sometimes go days or weeks without a follow.

h o w do you not realize how self-contrarian you are

(and frankly if anybody’s been sitting on the fence wrestling their bullshit use this anon’s methods as an insight on some of the driving minds behind anywhere from anti-ism to what some people think is activism)

and I swear to god if the thought even flitted across your mind to go crawl those tags just to shake them down too, you’re either too far gone to even know what activism or representation look like or an anti playing cute manipulator.

So you know, if that stealthed through your brain, that’s a you thing.

Shit like the call I chose to make wasn’t easy. I hope to some day go back to corresponding with them when they aren’t cycling regressive dialogue unintentionally. I just refuse to give destructive dialogue, no matter how accidental, platform. Nobody wakes up and goes, “You know what I want to do? I want to stop visiting my favorite blog for an indefinite amount of time and stop posting my favorite topic that is like the one avenue I have to speak about something fundamentally important to my real life as well, that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to STOP EVERYTHING I enjoy.”

You do it because it’s the right fucking thing to do.

Try it some time.

Cuz this? This is an exhibit in what not to do. What even is this, some attempt to start some cancel culture bullshit between LGBT sections of fandom? Intentionally causing excess infighting where you think you sense weak spots? Do you even have a motivation beyond clutching bitterness and bad definitions? Like all the above problems with your actual action minded, if you’re not an anti stirring shit, what do you even gain by trying to pit highly connected bloggers actively against each other?

Yeah okay, total activist right here, gold star. Certainly has a great idea of how to interact in progressive discussion. What’s next, calling people snowflakes? Cuz right now your redefinition line designed to oppress queer people which, I am SORRY, no, *are* the majority *you* are going around and pissing in the blogs of while literally bullshitting and inflating your presence by claiming them to oNlY bE a fEW. As much as people think this word is overused, this is TEXT. BOOK. GASLIGHTING. And if you’re reliant on that as your entire method, you don’t even have a point or a place at this conversation table.

You know what I see only a few of you, actually. I’d estimate enough to roughly fill a group chat even. Maybe 2! In that way half of the people in chat 1 are also in chat 2. (listens to the sound of distant knee jerks inside of digital boxes). Niche nerd blogs about stats and near dead religions don’t just blow up overnight and get a bajillion new followers because the people you’re stalking and bagging down are the mInoRiTy. That isn’t how that works. That isn’t how any of this works.

I’m curious, in your time of probably bitter pissy blogging on your own corner, how many follows have you gained? Or lost? …How many notes do you have compared to the progressive facing end of this conversation? Because I am yet to find even a mildly popular post from your angle, or at least not one that stood on its own as much as – for example – what was in fact otherwise a pretty beautiful silverfish meta I almost reblogged myself, went so far as to open the reblog draft launcher thing and then, realizing the language, closed out. So yeah, posts like that get traction by this fandom’s content addiction, even I almost fucked up. And yes, circulating it is fucking up. 

So I guess we’re back to: outside of anons and like a dozen failed posts on tumblr that get less traction than a Lucifer/Ketch/Donatello fic, where are you, this giant assed majority of whoever that you’re voiceboxing from anon, which coincidentally is a basic bitch method of inflating the appearance of your own numbers, especially to people who don’t have statcounter installed?

Normalized queer text or even real people erasure isn’t somehow okay. It’s just normalized. In fact, that’s worse. Just like normalized tokenism of LGBT people, a long term issue frequently breaching on my blog – that very mindset that sent you here with this wild-assedly bass-ackwards angle – is not somehow okay, it’s just normalized.��

[auntie-diluvian]

What would have happened in chapter 2 if you decided to write it?

Eek I’m so sorry I took so long to answer this!

The longer I think about it, the more I think a second part would have really jumped the shark any way I’d have written it, but I did have some thoughts*, which got… uh, kinda long (hence me taking forever to answer your ask), so I’m gonna put them beneath a cut if I can figure out how.

Some of this was sort of charted out in a long chat between me and Py (specifically I think the bit with Papyrus showing up, which I think was her idea?), but that conversation was so long ago it’s been lost to the sands of time (and tumblr chat having no search function), so most of this is new and specific to the version I posted.

I had a couple of scenes in my head that were a little more defined, the rest was just kind of vague, and it never came to a conclusion, really. So I guess, in theory, all of those “Reader goes to Italy and carboloads themself into personal fulfillment, Sans dies of skelesyphilis, and his gf fucks off somewhere” fantasies can still happen. If, you know, by the end of me rambling about this, any of that still sounds, oh god, you know, fuck, appealing, or whatever. If not, then uhhh whoops sorry I don’t have any ending for you at all, my dude.**

Also this hasn’t been beta’d or anything, I didn’t want to give it the same status as the stuff I actually publish, just like, on principle? so like. keep your expectations in check maybe? especially re: some of the most cliche and melodramatic dialogue I’ve written to date lol

The first scene was to take place on Jan 2nd:

Your friend, the one you’re now glad isn’t speaking to you, is standing at your door, anxiously clutching a small, rectangular cardboard box bearing a sticker you recognize as the logo of your favorite bakery. She speaks to you, and you feel your stomach flip.

“Um, so, these are for you. Uh, happy new year, by the way, and um, the frosting probably got a little smushed- you know how high they like to pile it on. But, you know, they’re fresh, so- should be good. Got your favorites.”

She hands you the box and you peek inside. Cupcakes, of course. Half the frosting’s on the lid, like she said, and you stare at them, dumbfounded. Can’t look at her.

She clears her throat.

“I know what I’m like, sometimes. I can be melodramatic and petty and- and self-destructive. I do dumb shit like drive away my closest friend with the silent treatment because I didn’t get the answer I wanted. I’m so sorry. You were right, and, god, furthermore? The entire thing was just… stupid, you know? Can you forgive me?”

You sway on your feet, dizzy.

“Of course.”

She steps forward and hugs you, and as her arms wrap around you, so does an awful panic.

Your cell phone is burning a hole in the pocket of your bathrobe, from the text you had received ten minutes prior, alerting you to your friend’s impending arrival:

Sans: she’s coming over to your place. please don’t tell her anything. i’ll figure something out. sorry to ask you to do this. i’ll make it up to you

Sans: ok that sounded wrong. not what i meant. everything sounds wrong though

Sans: i’m sorry

“Oh, thank you,” she says, sounding more grateful than she should, her scarf tickling your cheek. “That’s such a relief. Thank you.”

Really just laying that guilt on thick. Uhhh let’s see, after that:

You tell her you’re sick just to get her to go away and she believes you because you look horrible and are wearing a bathrobe in the middle of the afternoon

Cue angst about furthering the extent of your dishonesty

The next day she texts you just to “catch up” but in the middle of it, drops that Sans has been more than usually distant. They talked about so much and she knows it’s going to take time for things to get better, but since that first conversation on New Year’s Day, he’s kind of shut down-

But enough about her problems, what’s been going on with you? Oh, Not Much, you tell her. You’re still getting over your cold but you’ve gone back to work. It’s the truth, more or less. You have the sniffles, at any rate, though that’s more due to your daily extended heartbreak/guilt crying alone sessions than any physical malady.

A week later, your friend is back to sending you memes and talking about her job, your favorite shows you watch. Sans is living with her. Everything is normal, on the surface. Sans chimes in on the group chat every now and again, but that’s it. Not another word from him. The awful feeling in the pit of your stomach has faded to a dull ache that only bothers you at night.

Which is why it’s a total surprise when Papyrus shows up on your doorstep one evening and lets himself in. You didn’t even know he was in town. You’ve met him a few times, loved the guy, but he’s not here for a social call.

Well, okay, he is, but it’s not a pleasant one. He is. So. Disappointed. In you. He’s prepared a speech! To express the enormity of your fuckup.

About the 45-second mark of which, you break down sobbing. He stops immediately and grabs you a glass of water and a cool washcloth for your neck.

He apologizes as you calm down, and you have a long talk with him about the hows and the whys. It’s incredibly cathartic, you’ve never told anyone about any of this situation, and you’re drained by the time you’re done. But as he leaves, he has this look on his face and you hate it- pity tinged with trace amounts of leftover dismay, so it’s a relief to lock yourself in for the evening, even if the alternative (i.e. being alone with your thoughts and your guilt and everything else) isn’t much better.

An hour or two later, you get another text from Sans: “i’m sorry again, i didn’t know he was gonna do that.”

Interrupting myself here to say as an aside, so much for a synopsis of my vague concept; this is now going on 800 words. Look at all this work you definitely made me do that I didn’t put on myself at all. Anyway.

Sans text, continued: “he’s in town cuz of me, though, so i think i gotta listen to him. he’s uh saying we should get together and talk about how i”

“hang on”

Five minutes later: “scratch that i’m not listening to him.”

Ten full minutes later: “we can have lunch tomorrow. to talk. if you want. you don’t have to agree to it. i’ll understand.”

It’s about two in the morning when you finally respond: “Where and when?”

He replies immediately.

It’s a good sandwich. A shame you can’t do much more than just poke at it and nibble at the toppings that have fallen out of it onto the wax paper basket liner. And the bag of chips is completely out of the question. You’ve already put them away for later, for when you might eventually start regretting skipping lunch because of the awful somersaults your innards keep doing. Sans’s sandwich isn’t faring much better- he’s twirling his frilly-ended toothpick between his fingers, occasionally poking it into his dill pickle wedge.

Neither of you has said a word past your perfunctory greeting and the order you’d both placed at the counter eight minutes ago. The rest of the sandwich shop doesn’t seem to care, though. Most of its other patrons are absorbed in getting their order and getting out, or making the most of their too-brief lunch hour. It’s noisy, and it would be the perfect setting for the conversation you’re supposed to be having, you credit Sans with that much. If you could just speak.

You’re staring off over his shoulder, at the display rack of different brands of hot sauce, when he startles you by biting off over half of his pickle, chewing, and swallowing with his eyes closed and a sigh.

“thanks for… you know, not telling her yet.”

“I didn’t do it for you,” you say with enough sourness to give that pickle a run for its money.

“no, yeah, i know- i just. yeah. i’ll tell her, though. soon. uh, -ish.”

“Will you tell me when you do it? I don’t think I can take another unexpected visitor, and  I-” you laugh, ”-I’m going nuts checking my phone, panicking at every single notification.”

“‘course. yeah.”

“Okay. Thanks. For that.”

“sure.”

You tear off a piece of sliced turkey that’s hanging out the edge of your sandwich.

“…can i say somethin’?”

“That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

“i didn’t- uh, know you had- i just thought you were riding the same wave of… whatever that was, as me.”

He clears his throat.

“i didn’t know you felt that w- i mean, that you had actual feelings for- at least, not until you started sayin’ all those things–”

“–I changed my mind, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

He ducks his head.

“yeah, okay.”

You take another bite of your sandwich, chewing as you scramble for something, anything, else to say.

“So. Uh, how’s, um, y'know, everything else?”

He blinks, shakes his head, and laughs.

“what, you really wanna know? or are you askin’ just to ask?”

Shit. No, you don’t really want to know.

“Yeah. I wanna know.”

He leans back, the plastic of the chair back creaking, and looks out the window behind you.

“shit… it’s all… it’s all fallin’ apart on me.”

“I’m sorry,” you say, already a well-honed reflex.

“not your fault, really. in the end. i’m just already tired. a week ago, this’s all i wanted, for everything to go back to normal. but it turns out normal was just a lot of her pretending she could stand me. and we’re not pretending, anymore. so… but that’s supposed to help us sort everything out, right?”

Goddamn your bleeding heart that got you into this in the first place.

“feels capricious of me, right? but if it’s gonna end, why can’t it just end already? but i’m not allowed to give up yet, because that’s not what we’re doing, we’re working through our issues.”

He pushes his basket over to the seat next to him, and folds his arms on the table, head nestled into them.

“even though giving up is all i wanna do anymore,” he says, voice muffled by his sleeves.

“Every relationship requires work, Sans,” you say. Platitudinal, but true, if not particularly helpful.

“but at what point do you cut your losses? is it before or after the seventieth thing this week she tells you you’ve been doing wrong all along that she never bothered to mention to you before? you know she prefers the loose end of the tp to come out underhanded? i didn’t. she’s wrong, but hey, fuck- anything for my baby. i’m tired. i didn’t know it was gonna be like this.”

Underhanded toilet paper rolls? Do you even know who she is?

“i should just go ahead and tell her about this whole thing, already, see if that- i dunno, breaks us beyond repair. but if i do that now when all our wounds are still fresh, i don’t get to say i tried to fix things, and i guess on some level, i need that.”

He rubs his face.

“fuck, listen to me whine. i’m making it sound worse than it is. ”

“Dude, I don’t know. I’m still horrified by the toilet paper thing.”

He snorts.

“i don’t even use the stuff much, so it wasn’t worth makin’ a whole thing out of it.”

“Okay, but I’m fixated on it. It’s like, all I can think about. What the fuck?”

You’re overcome with the strangest feeling- it shouldn’t be so odd to you now, three weeks into your guilt spiraling, but you want to text her about this so badly, to give her grief about it. And if this were a normal situation, if you hadn’t made everything awful, you wouldn’t hesitate. But you’re having a clandestine lunch with her boyfriend to discuss the awful thing you did, and therefore you can’t give her shit about her weird habit you now know about thanks to him, which is what friends do. Friends don’t let friends put the roll on the wrong way without at least dragging them for it for the rest of their natural lives, so can you still even call yourself her friend?

Probably not, huh? That, and the other thing you did. Friends don’t do that, either.

Your smile fades as you start to understand on a much more personal level what he meant. You doubt you’ll be granted the same mercy as him, of working out your issues, and until then you have to live like this, unable to even joke around without it turning bitter. You’re going to lose her, too- you’re going to lose them both, maybe, probably, and the waiting and pretending is only adding to your misery. It’s a hollow kind of wanting, for something to be over and done with, but it’s rooted in you all the same.

You finally decide you’re not going to finish your sandwich, but you wrap it back up in the wax paper liner anyway, and start putting your coat back on.

“Well. Thanks for meeting with me. I think I’d better head back to work, now.”

“you realize we didn’t talk about what happened at all, right?”

You shrug. “Maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe we don’t need to.”

“you don’t- you don’t have anything you wanna say to me.”

You close your eyes and sigh.

“I’m… sorry?”

“shit, yeah, me too.”

“It was a mistake.”

“unequivocally, yeah.”

“I think that about covers it, don’t you?”

He nods silently.

“Then… I’ll see you around.”

You almost make it to the door, leaving him slumped in his seat with his uneaten sandwich. You look outside at the cold, slushy parking lot, check the time, and nearly get in your car and drive back to work. But instead, your feet carry you back to the table, back to Sans.

“I do actually just have one question.”

He looks up at you, and you can see deep into his eye sockets, and the dark semicircles beneath them, how tired he is.

“sure. anything,” he answers.

“If you had known how I felt, would it all have gone- would we be here now, having this conversation? Or would I have gone home before and none of this would have ever happened?”

Your fool brain wants you to continue: Or would you have stayed?

But you already know the answer to that one, so you stop yourself; these questions are dangerous enough, as is.

He actually looks somewhat taken aback.

“i don’t- i dunno. and i dunno how much good speculating about it’s gonna do. what’s done is done.”

“Please. It’s the one answer I feel like I have any right to.”

He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets and leans back.

“yeah. i think i’d have done the same thing.”

Your chair creaks as you fall back into it, defeated.

“Why?”

“what do you mean, why? did it seem like i gave a shit who else i was hurting at the time?”

He slumps a little further down, and in a softer, more soothing tone, says, “what are you after? do i care now that i hurt your feelings? …yeah. not that it really counts for anything.”

“It counts,” you croak.

“hmm.”

He stands, finally.

“guess you’re right, though. i’d better be getting back to work.”

He shrugs on his wool coat and winds his scarf around his neck.

“you uh… you gonna be ok?”

Are you? Feels like… maybe not?

The sobbing starts, even as you will it not to- christ, no, anything but that.

“oh. uh. shit.”

People are staring, now. You hide your face behind your hands, try to even out your voice to reassure him and your new audience that no, really, you’re fine, but it just comes out all the more overwrought for your efforts. Sans is useless, grimacing, hands outstretched towards you, placating, like with a panicking animal, and it reminds you of the conversation you’d had that night, when you’d offered yourself up as a shoulder to cry on.

“you wanna get out of here?” he asks, and you nod, rolling your eyes at your own uninvited histrionics and swiping at your cheeks.

“k,” he says, and when you open your eyes again, you’re sitting on your couch, in your apartment.

“got tissues?”

You swallow.

“Uh, bedroom, but- please don’t go in there, it’s- it’s bad.”

“k.”

He returns a few seconds later with a handful of toilet paper, and you take it from him.

“hey. it’s gonna be okay. y’know why?”

You blow your nose.

“Why?”

“no matter what else happens, you’ll always know: you put the toilet paper on the holder the right way.”

You chuckle weakly into your wad of tissue.

“You’re right. I’ll always have that.”

He sinks down on the couch next to you. Not too close.

You sigh and slump forward, elbows on your knees, calmer now.

“Well, that wasn’t supposed to happen. The- you know, the turning on the waterworks in a sandwich joint. That was embarrassing. I’m embarrassed.”

“happens. plus, i think you’ve earned the right to cry.”

Your chin wobbles again, threatening.

“Oh? I have? Cool. ‘Cuz I don’t know what I have the right to feel, or do, right now. It all feels wrong.”

“yeah. i know,” he mumbles.

“Sometimes I start feeling sad, for me, because of what I’m about to lose because of this? But then- no, can’t do that, because- hey, maybe I should have thought of that before we-” you catch your breath.

“yeah.”

“I’m mad at myself, and I’m pretty okay with that. But then sometimes I think maybe I’m mad at you for like, seven different reasons, and half of those reasons conflict with each other, but I can’t even… stay mad at you like I think I want to.”

You aren’t looking at him, but you can feel his stare.

“like how?”

You poke and prod at your face, trying to relieve some of the tension headache that’s building around your eye sockets and temples.

“Like, as your friend, I’m annoyed that you put up with ALL of her bullshit. You’re such a doormat when it comes to her. But as her friend, I’m so fucking appalled that you’d sleep with me, her best friend, less than a month after the breakup of a like- how many years? Six?”

“…seven.”

“Seven year relationship. Fuck, sorry, not to belabor the point or anything, but- yeah.” You sniffle. “And then- here’s the kicker. Just as me, alone, not relative to anyone else- I keep wishing you’d just fucking stayed in bed after I poured my heart out to you. Like I have any right to feel that. And of all of it, all the shit, that’s the one that sticks the worst, so the rest don’t get a chance to mean anything.”

The second you turn your head to make eye contact with him, he’s there, leaning in, warm. Big old eye sockets looking at you just like you’d wanted for so long.

“i should’ve. i know.”

Your breath leaves you, almost-but-not-quite on a sob, as he kisses you, and everything is right and better, if only for a split second.

“Wait.”

“yeah- yes. ok.”

“What about-” you can’t bring yourself to speak to him more than a few inches removed from the kiss, as if tethered there by a spell, “-what about everything you just said, what- this isn’t fixing things.”

“no.”

“And I can’t- you can’t do this to me again.”

“i won’t. it won’t be like last time.”

“You can’t promise that,” you say as matter-of-factly as you can manage, given the circumstances.

“keep thinkin’ about how i can’t remember the last time i felt the way i did when you were sayin’ all that stuff about me.”

Your cheeks flush even harder, as if the rest of you hadn’t yet gotten the memo.

“That’s called an orgasm.”

The ridge above his nasal cavity scrunches up pleasantly when he laughs.

“We shouldn’t.  If it was wrong before, it’s so much worse now.”

“i know.”

You cast your eyes aside to your front door, then down to where your hands are almost touching as you lean towards each other on the couch.

“You’re so full of shit, you know that?” you ask. “Fuck you for making me fall for it twice.”

Your eyelids flutter shut as you pull him in by the back of his neck.

THEN YOU FUCK AGAIN!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!! HOW COULD YOU!!!

hehe

He keeps his promise, more or less. It’s not her he has to run off to, at the end. You both have half a day of work ahead of you. You’re both late, and it’s as good an excuse as any for you to pretend he won’t still be going home to her, later.

You still have questions. You can’t focus at work.

He never promised much of anything, you now realize. It felt like he was offering much more, but- so what? Is he actually done with her? After everything? What does this look like tomorrow? A week from now?

What, you seriously think he’s going to leave her for you? Only if she kicks him out, you think, bitterly. Which makes you what, exactly? A consolation prize for his neglected ego?

You call him right as you’re getting off work, but hang up before he can answer. You want the truth??? You can’t handle the truth!!!

Things get better as they get worse. He starts coming over to see you, at least once a day. He stays an hour or two when he can. He talks with you in bed.

Yours, now, you think, sometimes.

You don’t ask him when he’s going to tell her. He’s choosing you, so he has to, right?

He will. Soon.

*Now I’m looking back at the beginning of all this and I’m like-

Some thoughts??? Bitch! You just wrote most of the damn thing! And after you said you weren’t gonna!

…So CLEARLY I had like, a little more I evidently wanted to say about this fucking thing. So there you go???

GOD that was a lot of dashes in there though, huh? I didn’t even try to keep the number down.

Oops hehhe

But, uh, yeah! I don’t know how this ends! Or even, at the risk of sounding a bit pretentious, if it ends! Maybe everyone learns from their mistakes and suffers the consequences! Or maybe nobody does! Or maybe it’s a weird combination of learning and not learning and suffering and not suffering because it’s supposed to be like, way more complicated than that.

**Or maybe reader and Sans’s gf wind up auditioning for the same local network tv wrestling show and they have lots of sexual wrestling tension together and also reader has like a will-they-won’t-they thing with an 80s disaster caricature of Marc Maron and they both bond with a group of wonderful interesting women and get to create something bigger than themselves!

God, I love GLOW. Maybe just go watch GLOW instead of this, it’s like, basically the same thing only with more eighties vibes and less skeletons and more women’s wrestling and less magical penises.

So really, not the same thing at all except for the one plot point of sleepin’ with your best friend’s dude that they kind of share, but very very good, you know?

Anyway! I love getting asks (I apparently love them so much that I can’t help myself and end up writing almost an entire chapter just to answer them), and fleshing out all the vagueness a little more without the self-imposed pressure of having to finish it into something publishable was really fun. So thanks for this ask!

[thelifetimechannel]

ROSE: And it's been hanging over our heads the whole time. JAKE: Hold on a tick! JAKE: I may be a newcomer to all this cosmic mythology but i recall being informed that skaia was one of the good guys. ROSE: Informed by who? JAKE: Well... by our sprites and some of the carvings in the ruins and things like that. HALSPRITE: Everyone knows we game guides are completely trustworthy. DIRK: Wait, are you working for an even bigger bad? HALSPRITE: No. But there are certain things I can't say, or have to be party to. HALSPRITE: We've been over this, remember? HALSPRITE: My ectoplasm is still sore from your Emperor Palpatine tantrum. KANAYA: Skaia Controls The Narrative We Are Privy To KANAYA: Especially For Prospit Heroes Who Gain Glimpses In The Clouds During The Eclipse KANAYA: I Thought Those Images Were Random KANAYA: But JADE: but its pretty suspicious that it kept so much of the bad stuff from me! JADE: i might not have been so eager to play otherwise JADE: even if its not like we ever had a choice :/ JADE: and the other calliope said she had a hand in choosing those images soooo DAVE: i thought skaia "sees and knows" and couldnt do jack shit DAVE: howd we get from there to here JADE: we didnt know until today that skaia had a "cherub behind the curtain" :o CALLIOPE: after her speech i'm not sUre whether skaia reflects her will entirely or is only inspired by it. CALLIOPE: bUt it is not a neUtral actor. CALLIOPE: and she admitted to having a hand in the rUles of the game that broUght Us here. ROSE: Feferi mentioned the gods might have had something to do with it as well. ROSE: Aradia, do you know anything about that? ARADIA: i suspected something like it ARADIA: it made sense, considering derse dreamers role as emissaries to the noble circle and each incipispheres presence nestled within the furthest ring ARADIA: how they struck that deal or what it involved i dont know though DIRK: The point is, this game didn't come out of nowhere. DIRK: Someone had to make it. KANAYA: So To Clarify KANAYA: If The Other Cherub Is Skaia You Wish To Depose Her KANAYA: But If She Is The Consciousness Guiding Skaia You Would Replace Her Instead CALLIOPE: hold on. CALLIOPE: i don't trUst myself with that kind of responsibility. JANE: I'm not sure anyone should be! JAKE: Yes its like galadriel getting the ring! JOHN: if you don't make yourself the person in charge, but skaia has like... what did you call it? JOHN: a consciousness? JOHN: could you give it a conscience? KARKAT: HOLD UP. KARKAT: I KNOW ROSE ALREADY CAME TO ME PEDDLING THIS LATEST HERESY BUT I THINK IT OUGHT TO AT LEAST COME TO A VOTE. KARKAT: THIS COULD HAVE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES, AND THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE. KARKAT: IF ANYONE DOESN'T WANT TO RISK THEIR LIVES FOR THIS, SPEAK NOW. JANE: Could we get a description of what this plan actually /is/? ROSE: We'll need to work the details out. KARKAT: SHE WANTS TO MEDDLE WITH THE GENESIS FROG'S DNA. KARKAT: LIKE THAT WENT SO WELL LAST TIME. DAVE: the tadpoles already flown the coop on that one DAVE: unless you want to send john all the way back to our breeding session JOHN: oh come on, i can't be the solution to EVERYONE'S problems. ROSE: I wasn't going to suggest that. ROSE: Once we have a better grasp of what we want to change, we have someone with an even better skillset for reshaping reality to our liking. CALLIOPE: my other self got Us into this mess. CALLIOPE: i don't know how exactly bUt it's only fitting i get Us oUt of it. ROXY: soooo ROXY: we need 2 come up w/ a world we like ARADIA: without breaking too much ARADIA: this system works for what its designed to do ARADIA: you cant abolish it entirely without some kind of replacement SOLLUX: she's saying maybe d0n't torch the place with0ut at least reading the manual. ROXY: so we gotta reverse engineer it ROXY: sounds like a plan 2 me JAKE: I could take another look at those carvings... JANE: /clears throat/ JANE: I think Karkat is right, we should have a show of hands. JANE: Everyone in favor of pursuing this? ROXY: this game sux ass ROXY: if i can stop more doomed ppl gettin axed just bc they were in the wrong place then im gonna do it ROXY: count me in DAVE: wait i thought english was the guy behind most of our doomed timelines DAVE: with his alpha timeline forcing everyone to make one set of decisions DAVE: didnt we beat him and get rid of that JAKE: I think its fair to say calliope did! CALLIOPE: ^U^ ARADIA: its true that his influence generated far more fruitless offshots than would exist otherwise ARADIA: and constricted our paths to prioritize a single narrative ARADIA: but timeline dooming is always a mechanism available to players ARADIA: and the game sets up certain loops on its own ROSE: Lord English isn't the one who sent meteors to destroy our planet. JOHN: no he isn't. JOHN: and that's not fair, that is not what any of us signed up for. JOHN: i've been rewriting rules all day, and this sounds like a great one to get rid of. JOHN: i'll help you guys out. DAVE: well then DAVE: might as well go two for two TEREZI: SK414S T4ST3S 4R3 DR4CON14N 3V3N FOR M3 TEREZI: WH4T K1ND OF JUST1C3 SO W4NTONLY T4RG3TS 1NNOC3NTS TEREZI: 1 WOULDNT M1ND T4K1NG 1T DOWN 4 P3G JADE: i dont know how long ill have my first guardian powers back, but im willing to use them JADE: no one should be treated like pawns no matter what your justification is ROSE: My anti-authoritarian streak is already common knowledge. ROSE: I guess they were right warning you away from dreamers from the wrong side of the tracks. ROSE: Derse is a hotbed for radicalism. DIRK: It must run in the family. DIRK: Why do away with a good tradition? HALSPRITE: There's no way I'd turn down an opportunity to fuck with a fundamental component of the universe. KANAYA: Creation Is Under My Jurisdiction KANAYA: But Creation Pursued At Any Cost Can Be Just As Destructive As Intentional Violence KANAYA: Maybe I Can Put My Inclinations To Pacify Dangerous Forces To Good Use JAKE: Im through with being shoved around! JAKE: If this will help some other people out there in the multiverse who might get saddled with all this games expectations then i think its our duty to try. JANE: What kind of Empress would I be if I didn't try to secure the best possible future for whoever comes after us? JANE: Besides, I've sat back in the face of tyranny long enough. NANNASPRITE: I have too. DAVESPRITE: my programming wont allow me to participate in this DAVESPRITE: nah im just fucking with you lets kill the suffering orb ARADIA: ive spent a long time doing things because they had to be done ARADIA: to fulfill some time loop or the will of the game ARADIA: it would be nice to make a momentous decision on my own for once CALLIOPE: my other self said i woUld never be a proper mUse, bUt i take issUe with her methods. CALLIOPE: i think it's proper to set them right. SOLLUX: i feel like i'm c0ming into this discussi0n missing a lot of c0ntext but if it means we'll get a move 0n, sure. SOLLUX: sgrub 0r skaia or whatever cosmic f0rce we're ganging up on can suck my bulge. TEREZI: COM3 ON K4RK4T YOU KNOW YOU W4NT TO KARKAT: I GUESS MY REVOLUTIONARY ANCESTOR WOULD BE ASHAMED OF ME OTHERWISE. KARKAT: EVEN IF HE WAS KIND OF A JACKASS. KARKAT: AND THIS GAME HAS BEEN PRETTY TERRIBLE. KARKAT: LET'S JUST TRY NOT TO GET ANYONE KILLED THIS TIME. KARKAT: OK, WE'VE ALL GOT OUR HANDS UP NOW. KARKAT: THIS STIRRING SHOW OF CAMARADERIE WILL MOVE THE HEAVENS. KARKAT: "LOOK, THEY HAVE THEIR HANDS RAISED! WE WERE WRONG. GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY ASK FOR, AND PASS ME THE TISSUES." KARKAT: GOOD JOB TEAM. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES.

====>

[shinythingsorpaperrings]

long post warnin but its under a cut at least on desktop

i feel like this year (academic) has been a huge mess of decisions on a scale of “really fuckin good” (10) to “what the holy fuck is wrong with you” (-10) with most of them fallin between “questionably bad” (-2) and “what the fuck” (-7). had a lot of good choices too tho, especially very early in the year. while not many ideas were followed through on, the ideas themselves were pretty good too, just not situationally appropriate i guess?

honestly i achieved so much tho like forgetting the varying degrees of destructive life choices ive made, ive made a fuck load of achievements?? i got a first on all but one assignment yet again, and now im graduating with a first??? i wrote a 13k dissertation AND created my own augmented reality prototype which, if i wanted to, i could 100% turn into a proper game (but i dont). i also really came out of my shell which is a thing to be v v proud of, being better at going out and do things with people without needing to have someone that i know well to stop me feeling cripplingly anxious. and like i stood up for myself at work and filed a complaint against my manager. i got a new job in a field im passionate about, and even though it took a little while, im able to spend time with my colleagues without feeling anxious at all now and its such a good feeling?? im also enjoying and doing loads more sober events and really enjoying myself that way and enjoying the company of my friends more?? it took a little bit but ive also fixed/become closer with people who really mean a lot to me, like i know its a big step in progress for who i am to be better at admitting my wrongdoings and working to fix things and generally be better at communicating and keeping in touch with people and im v proud of myself for doing that.

i have been really self destructive this year tho, both my uni counsellor and assessor said that i appear to have issues with big change theyre probably right but i wont properly know just yet - somethin else to be proud of tho is at least ive taken the steps to see a therapist, even if it required me doing something super self destructive beforehand. maybe i shouldve gone to my classes because god knows i didnt clean my house as much as i did when i skipped classes for the previous two years, and maybe my grades wouldve been higher still?? like i did super well but could i have done better? i had quite a lot of suuuper drunk nights i did way more heavy drinkin this year than i did last year and that definitely wasnt good for me, like i can neck vodka now, its gross but i can do it. i smoke now too, mostly only drunk but on the odd occasion sober but i try not to. i lost a lot of confidence in myself but im working on getting it back. i wasnt close friends with many of them so i dont particularly feel like ive lost friends or anythin like some things were shit, and at the time i was upset and wanted to fix it, but the more that i think things through, the more i realise just how bad some of those situations and people were for me. like i dont regret being friends w them and i certainly thought that some of them would be long term friends but im with it not happenin any more. they clearly didnt know me as well as they constantly claimed to and some of them were friends through other people so thats fine too, im constantly findin myself and im constantly makin small bits of progress. 

everything still feels shit and to quote drunk me “it doesnt take a scientist to know how i still feel” and i stand by that like its definitely not a feeling thats goin away any time soon and i?? dont mind?? like its not anythin i want to go away either like its there and its a part of me because it was literally a quarter of my life of course its a huge part of me but i will make peace with it rather than let it negatively affect anythin i do. tryin to be less self destructive is deffo super hard though, im constantly aware that im doin it but at the same time im not really stopping it?? im taking on huge amounts of hours at work and recklessly spending again but im?? not?? stopping??? at the very least i make sure theres still enough in my account to do the basics but im goin on hard benders again :///

still though its been a long year of ups and downs and even though i had a super low period its somethin i can sorta joke about with my colleagues now and things are looking up. gotta remember that even though ive had a shit six months, im graduating with a first, i got a decently paying second job thats still something im interested in (whodve thunk id wanna work in jewellery??) and im getting out and about again and will soon learn to drive. things are shit but they can get better. i know this. ive been through shit like this before i will get better and one day w my therapy i can be totally better

[dulma]

On the circle jerk of the art world

Tom Wolfe, author & journalist, is good at being scathing. Case in point: The Painted Word a brief diatribe against what he perceives to be the falseness and pretension of an elitist art world in a capitalist society.

I don’t know enough about art or the art world to agree or disagree with what Mr. Wolfe claims, but I do care deeply about art and its role in civilization. How it can help us, fix us, express us, or how it can’t. 

His ideas, though, strike me as useful departures for my own future research, especially w/r/t Abstract Expressionism, my new obsession. Also—God knows I love a good contrarian, so here are some key points I’ve synthesized from his spirited lambast. For my own reference, mostly. Thanks, Tom.

Art must have its theory, i.e. the dictum du jour. “modern art has become completely literary” 

Realistic 19th century painting dubbed “literary” thereby spawning its rebellious successor movements, i.e. l’art pour l’art

Braque: aim of art is not to reconstitute but constitute “a pictorial fact” 

Artists left the royal courts & salons and by 1900 aimed to shock and subvert the bourgeois 

Now the artists had to be boho & avant garde (sincerely) but also in le monde

“Public? The public plays no part in the process whatsoever. The public is not invited” 

(This question is of importance to me. Art as public artifact vs. art as private commodity/investment—note to self: explore the ethics and utility of these roles, and whether they are conflicting or mutually generative)

The art world is a mere 10,000 souls 

“a mere hamlet!” restricted to les beaux mondes of eight cities 

Modern art enjoyed a huge boom in the States in the 1920s because that’s when the cultured bourgeoisie began to love it 

Imported from Europe to the US not in a bohemian rebellious spirit but institutionalized by the Rockefellers via the establishment of the MoMA in late 1920s 

Art theory used to be something that enriched conversation 100 years prior but now it was “ an essential hormone in the mating ritual” 

(Touché, Tom Wolfe.)

The bourgeois art world needed theory to understand the direction of modern art 

Why did theory blow up? 

1. the art world is tiny

2. le monde always looks to the bohemian artists for the next thing

3. the artists are made up of “cénacles” where if one dominates art and has one core theory, that theory comes to dominate all of the art world during that period 

This is what happened post WWII during Abstract Expressionism & when NY replaced Paris as center of the art world 

Greenberg’s theory of flatness and Rosenberg’s Action Painting became big theories picked up by le monde. Peggy Guggenheim then discovered Pollock, beloved of Greenberg, and gave him a place and money and set him off 

“First you do everything possible to make sure your world is antibourgeois, that it defies bourgeois tastes, that it mystifies the mob, the public, that it outdistances the insensible middle-class multitudes by light-years of subtlety and intellect — and then, having succeeded admirably, you ask with a sense of see-what-I-mean outrage: “Look, they don’t even buy our products!””

Pop Art was then a reaction against Abstract Exp. 

It was even flatter. Jasper Johns chose flat real life objects and made them look super flat. Like the flag. 

“Wasn’t there something just the least bit incestuous about this tendency of contemporary art to use previous styles of art as its points of reference?” 

(What else would you use? All major art forms are institutionalized in some way—literature, film, etc.—and draw upon its predecessors, are in conversation with lineage and history. I don’t see this as inherently “incestuous” but in practice in the art world perhaps it’s extreme or problematic... explore further)

Pop Art succeeded not because it rejected Abst. Exp’s premises of moving away from realism, but because it did AE one better: even higher level of not realism. Somewhere that was not abstract nor realistic but based on signs 

Abstract Expressionists were too grim and antibourgeois, too bohemian. The Pop artists were right at home in the cultured world of the bourgeois 

Steinberg: Modern art always “'projects itself into a twilight zone where no values are fixed'” and “'it is always born in anxiety'” and its function is to “'transmit this anxiety to the spectator'” to provoke “'genuine existential predicament'” 

“If you hated it — it was probably great." 

Pop Art was full of cultural and literary ironic commentary and allusions. Op Art, which came after, was also very literary in that it was heavily grounded in theory. Theory was taking idea of painting as real object and turning it into object of pure perception 

Greenberg made a comeback with a new theory/style: against the brushstroke. 

All of these movements were a movement towards reduction, stripping away - first of 19th century realism, then representational objects, then the third dimension towards flatness, then brushstrokes. 

Is that enough? Hardly. 

Minimalists came and stripped away the “sentimental” colors and used gritty or ugly ones 

Got rid of the frame, the hanging up of pictures, the square canvas 

Rosenberg & Greenberg (though sort of rivals) and others were against this - new style was “‘too much a feat of ideation.. something deduced instead of felt and discovered.’” 

Then we got rid of the very idea of wall. 

Moved into installations. Then museums (Earth Art). 

What about idea of a permanent or even visible work of art? so next came Conceptual Art where they said it wasn’t about permanence and materials but the process 

And then they took away idea of visual imagination altogether - piece called Vacant by David R Smith 

My thoughts on this (provisional):

Art movements destroy to create. This is also true in literature, in everything. I find this a natural human impulse. We are meaning-making animals, and art is our way of exploring/expressing this process, and meaning is made inevitably by a destructive-creative process. Learning—and thus growth—is by necessity an act that displaces the dictums of yesterday to make room for the new. So I question Wolfe’s implicit resistance to the deconstruction of every assumption inherent to “art,” but I’m willing to challenge the “destroy for destruction’s sake” imperative, insofar as it is what drives the movements of art today. It sure seems that way, but I assume there’s more there, and the “more” is perhaps as varied as the people who further it.

To ask a naive question that probably Real Art has long since abandoned or mocked until it breathed its last, what about beauty???? As a layperson who wants to believe that art has a public role and some inherent value where beholding it can do something good, even by disturbing us, I often find myself lamenting the un-beauty of contemporary art. That this is probably because I don’t “get it” only further entrenches my sense of alienation from this world of art. Is there respite to be sought in, for example, outsider art? 

Perhaps the answer is as simple as a simple comparison: take music. There is no possibility of defining “beautiful” music; we like what we like, and different people like different things. There are ways to get into a piece and understand what it’s trying to be and to judge it on that basis (also like a book) but no absolute criteria are possible because of the infinite variety of creative possibility. But even so, music and literature seem to me more accessible, somehow, than art. Less conceptual in the way art can be, more inclusive in terms of the gap between what the gatekeepers would deem worth canonizing and what we would claim to enjoy as outsiders.

To what extent do artists themselves (as if it’s a homogeny) want the “public” to “get” or “like” their art? A lot rides on this question I guess.

The beauty of the disturbing and the disturbing of beauty. Would this summarize where we find ourselves today?

(I suppose you could say beauty is taken out of the equation, but you could also reframe that as the expansion of the territory of the beautiful to encompass all, exclude nothing. Ironically. The murder of beauty and the expansion of it to include everything is the same thing, conceptually speaking.)

What I wish existed and whose absence consumes me to no end every time I enter a museum: a summary (impossible) of the timeline of the canon and what/who gets included and what/who gets excluded and why. Note that I’m not issuing the ignorant layperson’s tired old challenge of “My 5-year-old could do that.” I don’t mistake technical skill involved or duration of labor for the Good, but I do want the implicit curatorial values to be made legible, because I’m in a capitalist system that more often than not exacts a price from us to view or own art but I am then paying to engage with something whose value I don’t understand and am expected to receive fully by merely looking at something without the language or conceptual framework to understand its value, all while contributing to that value, reinforcing it. That seems like a scam to me (forgivable) but also like intellectual hypocrisy (unforgivable).

All of this is a rambling record of first impressions re: the art world and my access to an understanding of its values & criteria. Obviously a way to answer my own questions is to examine the world itself, anthropologically, and dissect its political/cultural/social/financial underpinnings. To learn the common answers, debates addressing these small questions of mine. Which I intend to.

But that these are the questions begged when one confronts the whole system as an ignorant layperson is worth noting in itself, I think, because it draws out some assumptions that are contradictory. Assumptions that imply that art is good and we should look at it and pay to look at it. Assumptions that also imply that beauty is not art and skill is not art and accessibility is not art. 

So then what is art? And who gets to decide? We spend our lives taking for granted the fact of a museum, of an art history curriculum, of a canon of famous men and (sometimes) women who have made what we consider “Great Art” without ever being satisfied with a good explanation of why, how come, who says? Especially today?

[akria23]

Boy Who Ran W/ Wolves -Derek

Note: Okay so if any of you have paid attention lately…my computer crashed right as I got near the end of this thing like on the 30th of last month so I wasn’t able to post this. It was mad frustrating cause that was the perfect day to post given the release of the interview and everyone chatting – but bad shit happens I guess. I hope you guys like this one cause I’ve spent money to get back and get it out to you guys. Without further ado…

Starting off let me say this, Teen Wolf is a show that had a lot of potential and when we say that we mean, we saw what they could’ve done and didn’t do or we saw what they wanted and failed to do. I have no interest in filling in the many craters that riddle this story. I have no interest in reimagining Scott McCall. There is no saving grace to that caricature. And by this I don’t mean that Scott is the devil but that he is so poorly written I don’t see anything worth salvaging. Personally as a person who has seen the show flop and squander as it lost its mass popularity, I think it would’ve been easier for writers like Jeff and his team to create the Boy Who Ran with Wolves narrative instead of the so called Teen Wolf narrative that they majorly dropped the ball on.  On a standpoint of where the writers failed their own show, I always answer from the very start. Do I think Teen Wolf could’ve been an amazing show? Yes. Do I think it was…

The writers were full in the ego and light in the skill department. They couldn’t handle criticism making them unable to admit faults within themselves, or the work they produced. The hardest knock they took was being unable to adapt. I’m not sure if the show runner just had such an ideal of what he wanted before starting this show, that when met with a chink in the metal frame he buckled and demanded they all take the tumble with him or if pride was so high in the drawing room that during that time they found they would rather self-destruct together. I can’t really speak on the possible malfunctions that took place behind the scene, only the chaos that it created on the screen.  

               The writer’s decided to center the story on young Scott McCall, and while this wouldn’t be a problem if things were different, if they’d actually built a character, it can’t be said to be a wise decision under the circumstances.  It’s been stated many times that Scott is a weak character that lacks the tools to carry a series - a movie possibly, but never a show. For some reason the drawing room was more inspired by its side characters instead of its lead, to be fair this is many-a-writer’s downfall. This is why I find it simpler to explore this story with the framing of different characters, not just the two I’m going to focus on.

I’m going to explain The Boy Who Runs with Wolves (BWRWW) narrative as a story set with either Stiles or Derek as the protagonist. This doesn’t necessarily mean the story is set with them as the narrator, because the story could seriously be done through a third person teller (think Michael in QAF). BWRWW does however shift the perspective of the story. It has a more formulistic structure that the writers should have found easy to work upon. Both characters come filtered with the needed elements to push a story forward.

Given Derek’s back-story he’s an obvious candidate for a protagonist. Starting off he has the compelling family history. The Hales have a legacy in Beacon Hill’s they were protectors of that land, supernatural creatures who stood between the human world and their own. This works as not only a goal and a motivation for Derek, but also creates a minor if not a major theme for the show. The original Teen Wolf of course played with the aspect of human/wolf (or supernatural) but never in a way that was set in stone, or with an overarching message. The Hale legacy could’ve given the audience a view into the supernatural world that Teen Wolf could never afford. The goals of the Hale family could only promise meetings of the outside creatures…given introductions into those creatures and their world in a way that made sense while still keeping the focus on the main - wolves. It’s not a history Derek is even really aware of, so as he’s introduced into who his family really was and the things they had to do, we the audience are therein introduced to those realities. I always think about charmed and how they were witches that knew nothing of their history. Their only access to knowledge of this new world they had to navigate was a book of spells with info on some of the many creatures. The reason this is so brilliant is because you never want to give your protagonist someone or something that can give them all the answers. It mucks the story and frustrates the audience when the protagonist doesn’t listen. This was often the issue with Teen Wolf. They gave Scott Derek, a Wolf mentor so to speak, a mentor he often refused to listen to or used and abused on occasion. Even with Buffy, which Jeff foolishly thinks he mirrors, they didn’t give her a slayer with the keys to the castle – her mentor could help her along the way (while also having his own duties and things that sometimes muddled her goals because he was her watcher [layering]) but not just roll out all the answers, or the how to(s). That’s not to say your protagonist shouldn't meet the failure of naivety, or the wilds of adolescence, but for it to be a main frame makes it a difficult line for your audience to walk and therefore continue to feel for said character. Walking room should be for error, not stupidity. So while Derek would have knowledge on his supernatural bearings, to a point, it’s these other facets that pick up the slack. Also you have the wolf to human aspect that can still be absorbed through stiles (the human) and even Scott who would have been demoted to a fitting position given his lack of layering (new wolf).

The external growth/struggle speak for themselves. Stepping into the shoes parents – more so his mother- having to deal with the way that still connects him with them. Finding out truths and things he’s never known, some of which he probably should never know. The realities of everyday battles and the constant chance of losing what he’s gaining. Because the show only highlighted his mother, and in such a way that gave the audience this very direct perspective on their relationship I think its unavoidable to create a reimaging without that concept and without that shadow being a part of his motivation.

Okay, let’s back up a bit for part two because I want people to understand where I’m coming from and where I’m going when I break this stuff down. If the top half (Family History) creates Derek’s eternal struggle then the second half creates his inner one, and therefore also that growth. Often times to create a character’s emotional line and characterization, a writer gives the character something to overcome, something that happened prior to the main story but very much influences the main story – using Michael Hauge’s concept I’ll refer to this as the Wound. The wound builds the characters Belief, sometimes of themselves or the outside world, sometimes both. Again for repetition, the belief is just that, a strong belief the character has because of his wound. The character’s belief creates their Identity – a Mask that covers their true Essence so they no longer feel weak/vulnerable. Essence is the person they really are, it’s their better side that they hide. Their new identity makes them think they’re protecting themselves but usually it’s just standing as a block to what they really want.

Above I’ve structured out Derek’s characterization, give or take with the fact that Teen Wolf cut out his middle structure and then wanted to only lean loosely on his mask nor did they really commit to his wound. Anyway starting from the left – Wound. I’m gonna do one line at a time so you can see how they connect. The first layer of Derek’s wound would have been Kate’s betrayal, not the fire itself but the actual set up and manipulation and forethought she had to have going into this and how she used him. Kate’s actions would have then created a belief in him, and fairly so, this would have been the toxicity humans are capable of. The creatures who call his kind unacceptable, but committed the worst of acts against them. This leads the character to his mask, in Dereks case a form of prejudice where humans stand. You want something that’s natural, but creates authentic tension. Make your character human by giving him contradictions and ripping the moral carpet from under him and see how he sticks his own landing. Derek having issues with humans because of his own experiences does just that, and also gives him a growing point and ties to the Human – Wolves concept. Teen Wolf did start off with Derek showing some signs of prejudice with humans, at least with Stiles who he didn’t seem to think much of at all. But the show ended that pretty quickly without ripping something great out of both sides and leaving something magnificent on the screen. Derek’s second and major wound would be the trauma he blamed himself for. The fault he finds in himself leads to the belief that he is undeserving of anything…good. This of course leads to his new identity his mask, which for Derek is Isolation. When I say isolation I don’t just mean cutting oneself off physically I mean the things he starts to do to keep others out. Adult Derek is different from pre-wound Derek. He’s stoic - closed off, violent, silent and so on. He doesn’t seem to revere his own life, quick to throw himself in front of danger…so much so that fans at one point felt he had a death wish. And this is where contradictions come in very hard, and you want them to. Because even under a mask something of our true essence is always accessible. So even though there was this new stoic Derek at times we could see ‘old Derek’. We could see the Derek that longed for family and connection despite thinking he didn’t deserve those things. Tension in this is that even as he fights he has a need and that need will go toe-to-toe every time. For example, Derek turning the teens. He deep down he’s lonely, he yearns for that connection, for unity. But when he creates this makeshift group he still caters to his own mask, not treating them like the family he knows he wants. No, because of his own beliefs, because of his past teachings he tries to teach them his own ways to protect themselves and that doesn't help because that’s not what either side needs. His Tragic Past plays as his internal struggle, where he’ll grow from the inner outward. The tragic past that created his present identity branches out to the things that help set free his Essence, the Romantic Subplot & his individual Development Arc.

His tragic past, instead of being fodder for torture, becomes Derek’s personal story that weaves back into the main story. His past acts as a two part concept branching out to create his personal development arc one way and a possible romantic subplot the other. Starting with the development arc, Derek was shown a darker side of humans with the actions of Kate and those who partnered with her to create the Hunters. Derek has reason to have issues with humans, this creates a friction with his family’s legacy. How can he be expected to protect the very thing that destroyed his life? So on that route you of course not only have to have him deal with the concept of humans but also the hunters themselves. I think Teen Wolf could have done wonderful things with the Argents and the wolves and have them not only come toe-to-toe but also be forced to face each other in the realization of what the war has caused them and question a possible reconciliation, for some, if any.

This ties with the romantic subplot. Subplots are important in a long piece, you’re promised to have at least one. A subplot is a minor story that runs parallel alongside the main-plot and or weaves into it. It’s a way to add layers and therefore complexities to the story. A romance subplot of course is just a minor story of romance that takes place alongside the main story. I saw a graph of The Hunger Games that broke down its subplots so I’m gonna use that movies to make it simple. The main plot (question) in the Hunger Games was – Will Katnis survive the hunger games? The romantic subplot (minor question) in the Hunger Games was – Will Katnis choose Peeta or Gabe (think that’s his name)? There were other subplots in The Hunger Game series but it’s the romantic one I’m focusing on. So for BWRWW – Derek Version the romantic subplot would be something near the same – Will Derek overcoming open him to a relationship with Stiles. This romantic subplot closely weaves throughout the main plot because it’s dependent on Derek achieving his internal goal.  Back to the human – wolf subject and concept of the Derek’s story, which would play a huge part in their story. Because Derek had this view of humans, this prejudice so to speak, a mistrust not only of humans but his relations with them since both his priors went terribly wrong. As a writer the thing is then to question that connection, if their theme together is trust how is that gonna be exploited in story? Does trust in Stiles really make him stronger, or does the unbiased outlook on humans leave him open to danger? I talked about the cycle in part one, the themes that made up his levels of love – love/loss, fear, trust, fault, intimacy, fragility, betrayal – so how do those things intertwine and play-out. What are the other weak concepts that will make Derek balk – like fear of losing someone as he’s done so often before? How do you have him face betrayal again, overcome it and reassess fault? VoidStiles. The Sterek relationship has similar markers of the past but highlight very different things. Intimacy for example, whenever we see Derek and Kate it’s a sexualized thing where she’s reminding him what she used against him and what she views as weakness on his part. This seeks the question of what does Derek now see intimacy as; a tool? How do you highlight that within Stiles and Derek’s relationship the subject of intimacy is ‘reborn’. Their moments shine on positive emotions and connections. A comforting hand in the time of need. Something as simple as a different kind of touch to try to awaken (closed fist to open palm, and hesitancy). To just being comfortable with someone touching you, showing a trust and a comfort level with that person. Even in lack of touch the intimacy is still there, as it is in the dream sequence. This is why I say Stiles is the only option for Derek to love. He singularly being who he is and the two coming together literally forces Derek in a position where he has to make a choice and therefore give him a chance to grow and thereby show his True Essence. You see the old him start to come back as Stiles sarcastic nature rubs off on him and he takes more liberty with relaxing his stoicism. He’s forced to realize that he can sit on the sidelines telling himself what he doesn’t deserve or can fight for what he wants. Derek being so sacrificial becomes a problem for Stiles who has come to care for his wellbeing in all ways. He can never 100% go back to his so called old self because he’s experienced things but the natural parts of him, the parts he hid away to make himself unable to be hurt, those things have been retained. The thing he really wants, having a family is an assessable thing – through building it himself. The romantic subplot helps develop Derek to his full potential. It matches the subject of wolf- human and exploits that concept in the best way giving the story many plotlines and avenues. His internal arc matches with his eternal one but with enough friction to carry the story to fruition.  

It’s important to have your hero’s external goals battle their internal. This makes the hero human, makes the audience not only empathize with him but makes them root for him/her. It makes the climb to being a hero more conceivable. Going back to the wound to identity concept, Michael Hauge puts it like this,

“When characters are traumatized by experiences, they formulate beliefs about the world that will protect them from ever again experiencing pain of those wounds. For example, Judy Hopps, the rabbit, in Zootopia receives a beating from a predator when she was young, this leads her to believing predators are actually just inherently bad – despite what she preaches to the outside world.”

 A writer has to take its character’s experiences into consideration. The things we’re set upon believing have a reason, an experience tied in, a thought, a feeling behind it. Too pretend otherwise, is to error. You don’t wanna give your character a random belief out of nowhere just because it places the story where you, the writer, needs it. That’s cheating, a high handed way to make instant heroes. You never want to have an instant hero…it’s like instant romance, the audience feels cheated and the so called ‘hero’ falls flat and is deemed unworthy – Scott McCall.  You also never wanna give your protagonist a weak struggle. Simply saying “I don’t want change” is not enough, it’s just seems selfish if said change has expanded on your character’s life and skills instead of just brought negativity. If you now have skills that can protect you and others, crying danger is just side eye worthy because simple humans live a life of danger too. This is why layering is such a necessity. Conflicting the hero in his outside world is only half the battle and means next to nothing if his mind isn’t conflicted too. It’s like courage – courageous is not someone who is unafraid being willing to do the thing, it’s someone being afraid and yet willing to face/overcome said fear to do the thing. It’s more interesting to observe the latter than the former. It’s the same with being a Hero, the audience wants to observe that journey, they are living vicariously, that’s the only way they too get to the feel of being a hero.

As a writer, this is what you want. Things should never be easy for your protagonist. Things should never fall to a protagonist just because they’re the protagonist or the lead. Opposition and obstacles creates character. As the protagonist stands in front of a problem, it’s his reaction to the issue and what he decides that tells the audience who he is. This is something Teen Wolf never understood. You can have every character play mouthpiece to how great your character is, how much of a good guy he is…but if actions ain’t showing the same thing, then it’s not believable for the audience.  With Derek, the story stands a chance. You have a protagonist who has real obstacles on both sides – external and internal. Your protagonist job isn’t to be all knowing, or all powerful, or all saying, it’s to be growing, to be in the process of developing. It’s about someone who is able to take something from his experience, from his journey and cycle that and give it back. The reason a lot of people are so in love with Derek, is because we’ve seen him. No one told us who he was, he showed us, and we then saw what he could’ve become.

Things & characters Given Derek V:

             Nogitsune/VoidStiles: Can you imagine the damage and the wreckage the nogitsune aka voidstiles would have given this relationship, given both their internal struggles. The trickster who liked to play mind games, having all of this vulnerability at his feet. On one side you have the wolf rebuilding his faith in humans through his relationship with a human. One the other you have Stiles who has worked on this platform of gaining that trust and now he’s possessed by something that uses him to lie and manipulate. That’s tension! That’s conflict. Authentic character paths. That’s good TV. And if they wanted to bring him back like the show did – ugh – it would’ve have actually made since for him to be someone’s fear since he would’ve been the concept of Stiles being everything negative to a Derek that needs him to be the positive. When your characters stand as a frame that keeps each other standing you have to push them to the edge and make them look at the reality of having that all ripped away. The Nogitsune would have done that for this relationship.

               Ending: On one hand I think I would’ve loved seeing the torch passed on to Boyd. I think it would’ve been grand to see that kind of image and that placement for Boyd considering where he too started off. It’s an appropriate ending to have Derek finally graduate to a place where he can pass that job down (after having actually did the job) on someone else as he moves forward. On the other hand, I watched Teen Wolf have Stiles leave to join the FBI and I wonder if that’s really fitting. If Stiles himself doesn’t fit in the town of Beacon Hills stepping into the shoes of his father. Protecting the home he’s ever known and being a line between these two worlds. Stiles is an excitable person, someone who honestly finds joy in the workings of a case, I sometimes wonder if regular human cases would be enough for him. It makes sense for him to try to work his way to power in that town, continuing that work while having an ear to the community and how those around him response to incidents and or cover up the real happenings. I don’t know, it’s just an aspect that my brain goes back and forth with.

               Younger Derek: I think I would’ve enjoyed a longer plot for young Derek than just coming back for some more Kate torture. In fact I think many plots could have branched into this level and been used as a frame to take us back to Derek's childhood in way that was different from just the norm flashback. I always hated that the way the writers wrote the set up meant Young Derek and Peter didn’t really get to interact.Considering the fact that Tyler H was leaving, they could’ve slotted that actor for a minute.

               Liam & Theo: I’ve grown to like the thought of these characters but then with Derek being the focal character…I’m not sure they would have a place. I say this because Liam is just a better thought out Scott. He starts off naïve and comedic but falls into his line – this is probably cause he’s a side character and that all fits there. And with Theo, his come on would not at all fit with the sterek storyline. Because their theme is trust it would have to be something undeniable and grand in scheme to come in and put mistrust in there (which is why I said voidstiles) and you only want to do that once, to overdo it or to do so weakly would just undermine the relationship. I don’t know how they’d have to mend Theo’s entrance but even then, his interaction with Derek would be mega different from his one with Scott. It made sense for him to come in and tell Scott he was gonna come in and take over his shit he don’t know what he doing…but with Derek at that point it would just be laughable. The only way I see maintaining these characters would be to give Scott his own pack.

               Lydia: I honestly don’t think she should be a part of the Hale pack…or any wolf pack >.> Not in that way. I think she should be focused on her own powers and growth but still helping out when she’s needed. This is nopt about her having or not having a love interest because personally I never subscribe to the ‘this female don’t need love bs’ it’s just about her placement within pack. You can be family and not have to make that leap. I think the show could’ve done great things with Lydia and they failed. I personally would have liked to see her and Derek bond more, I don’t think even going with Stiles as his love interest would have tipped that possibility of that friendship because I don’t think Derek would have been jealous of that old feeling that was never returned. Its stiles past, just like he has a past. Lydia is a capable woman and I think he would’ve seen her for the asset she is.

               Malia: Who?

Things I thought would be interesting:

Stiles and Derek body switch

More Derek Papa Stilinski Interaction

Danny the hacker – Like they just threw the homie away even though he would’ve been a bomb asset!

Lydia and Peter interaction – People might not like that, but being around one another brought aspects I like about each character. I personally like Peter fucking with Lydia because it always brought out a fiery side of her and forced her to deal with a challenge.

If we had to have Malia – she sure as hell would not be a hale but I would put her on the lgbqt spectrum, given her a more believable story and put her with Kira.

True wolf bullshit obsolete

More Erica and Boyd backstory and for them not to have turned her into a sex kitten but a female whose body had been fighting her now having the chance to be more than healhy

Some actual dealing with Peter and Derek’s relationship and the things Peter has put him through

I would’ve def left Derek as young Derek for more than an episode.

Awkward Derek flirting with Stiles – I can’t picture it so I wanna see it lol

Note: So obviously I didn’t include Stiles part in this, I’m eight pages in sooooo decided there will be another part. I’ll probably also talk about how I personally would have liked to see their relationship transpire in that part. I did want to go over how different the human-wolf-new new wolf thing could have been different dependent on the focal character, but at this point I don’t even care nor do I wanna talk about Scott too much because he will be tagged and his fans get pissy and I don’t care about Scott enough to fight for him much less over him. Nor do I generally partake to those fans because the majority are people who like to waste time fighting over him and blaming fandom for the shortcomings the writers created instead of taking it to the board and fighting for him and I find that concept too illogical to entertain. So while making these Articles I try to remain as honest in my opinion as possible while cutting out a lot. Also before people een start let me just say yes, I know the trauma isn’t always used as a foundation (wound is) but for Derek and even for Stiles I think that remains a starter point. Truama isn’t often used in genres like adventure, it can be but it’s less common. In romance its more often even when its not the pov character – for example Pride & Prejudice movie. Elizabeth’s belief system doesn’t come from trauma but from rebelling the teachings of growing up as a woman in that time. The wound however that creates her personal issues with Darcy is in his slight towards her. For Darcy his outlook on the poorer kind comes from a trauma necessarily of his own, but in the trauma of someone he cared deeply for (his sister). Yeah, I got a video of them play on my second screen so they were the example and I love them so. The point being I’m not saying it HAS to be but that trauma is in part Derek’s starter pack. The wound however, is usually a must. I don’t know if I should say the next and final (hopefully) part is gonna be shorter…cause I said that bullshit last time and it was a lie…BUT it should be shorter cause I won’t have to explain everything that time around. Other than that, let me tell you…I was supposed to have posted the final article and the first chapter of my Sterek fic on the Finale day…that didn’t happen. I didn’t finish my fic and the article turned into part one. So I’m not sure if I should finish the chapter first since I’m starting to think I’m using these articles as procrastination or if I should just write the Stiles one and get it out the way. We’ll see but something should probably be done by the end of next week cause it take me so long to do this simple shit >.> I tried to put most of this text under a hide thing but I couldn’t figure that mess out so my apologizes to all the people who had to do the intense scroll!

Teen Wolf Articles

Scott McCall

Stiles Stilinski

Derek Hale

Sterek: Foundation

Sterek: BWRWW: Derek

Upcoming: Sterek BWRWW: Stiles

[zibizuba]

15 Reasons Why You Are the Most Annoying Person on Facebook

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You immediately considered at least one particular person once you noticed the title of this listing: 15 Causes Why You Are the Most Annoying Individual on Fb. (All of us thought the identical factor.) It’s that individual that irrespective of how a lot you’re keen on them or how nice of a good friend they are often in actual life, they’re undoubtedly essentially the most annoying particular person in your Fb. It is a listing of the 15 issues that make for essentially the most annoying particular person in your Fb. Fortunately for you, you aren’t that particular person. No means… #OhHellNo #It’snotme #Normalfacebookuser 

Oh, and you could need to ensure that one way or the other that annoying good friend of yours on Fb takes a take a look at this, too. Consider it as your good deed of the day…or an funding in you and your good friend: Hopefully, you received’t should take care of a few of these annoying issues that they do anymore, and hopefully they get a clue.

Arguably, every of those 15 issues that make you essentially the most annoying particular person on Fb holds the identical weight so far as the extent of their annoyance issue goes, however we’ll depart it to you to determine. Vote up those you’re feeling make for essentially the most annoying particular person on Fb.

  You Can’t Get Sufficient of Yourselfie

You don’t know why, however you simply can’t get sufficient of your self! I imply, omg, you look so rattling good proper now, the remainder of the world actually ought to see this… So you’re taking a selfie of you in your automobile… You scantily clad in a mirror… You strolling the canine we used to suppose was cute til we noticed it 22 instances a day… You in a tub… You attempting on a brand new outfit on the retailer… You and allllllll your amaaaazing besties… You bare together with your “hopes and desires” lined up simply so… We get it, you’re keen on your self. You like your self so rattling a lot. Properly, right here’s a reality for you: Each time you present us how a lot you’re keen on your self, we hate you just a bit bit extra. And #WeHateDuckFace.

We Don’t Care About Your Love Life

Each date you go on, what you intend to put on, the place it’s best to go, what it’s best to say… “omg what do they consider me,” “omg greatest date ever,” “when will they name,” “why received’t they depart me alone,” “omg they love me a lot, take a look at what they simply purchased me at this time,” “omg regardless that we broke up they’re nonetheless so head over heels in love with me, they hold calling me on a regular basis…” We don’t care, you look dumb, and we hate you. And in case your potential lover/present lover/former loves sees all of your pathetic outpouring of a private matter, they most positively hate you, too.

Newsflash: We All Know Your Life Isn’t So Nice

You’re the individual that incessantly talks about how great issues are: “The youngsters are superb!” “My important different is so candy to me on a regular basis!” “Take a look at all these superb experiences I’m having!” “Take a look at all these new issues I simply purchased!” So… you recognize that we know you, proper? Your youngsters are disgusting brats, your lover cheats on you, you want booze to get via the day, and also you’re broke. We all know it. Cease attempting to trick us into believing in any other case.

You Are the Feed Clogger

Doesn’t matter how sometimes we go surfing to Fb, it’s a certain factor that each time, you can be there, posting again and again, clogging our feeds together with your minute-by-minute updates of your pathetic life. Ever hear the phrase “Absence makes the guts develop fonder?” If not, right here’s a tip: cease posting about how cute your canine appears proper now and go look it up. It’ll do wonders for you (and your relationships). How do you do it? How do you handle to all the time be there? 

Oh, and btw… Have you ever observed how folks aren’t responding to your posts a lot? They’ve blocked you from their feeds. So by this level, you possibly can very properly be oversharing in a vacuum. Nevertheless it’s not too late: Attempt scaling again to posting as soon as per week. Watch your social standing in actual life enhance very quickly. Positive, you could undergo withdrawals, however you’ll reside. Til then, we hate you.

Your Emotional Outbursts

Omg, you have been simply at a celebration and your boyfriend walked out on you, omg you have been simply on the retailer and somebody offended you, omg your trainer was completely such a jerk to you simply now… You’re a sufferer, and the universe has one way or the other wronged you. For some insane cause, you actually really feel strongly that the remainder of us have to find out about it– and never simply the difficulty at hand, however a extremely, actually, actually lengthy paragraph about it. Guess what, we don’t care. We hate you. You’re performing like a child. Shut up together with your rants.

Have you ever by no means realized about self-control? Give it a shot. Follow this train: In case you actually really feel strongly about a problem, however know you could be emotional about it: Step. Away. From. Your. Fb. Suppose on it for a day, after which determine if you wish to share this problem nonetheless so badly. By placing some area between the difficulty at hand and your legion of followers, it removes the emotional component fairly a bit… And please, if after a day you determine it IS nonetheless value speaking about, for the love of all issues holy, try to hold it brief and candy.

We all know, we all know: You’re the solely particular person in our feed that actually issues, however consider it or not, now we have a lot of different folks we are attempting to maintain up with, too. You might be the middle of your universe, however most of us produce other buddies to are inclined to as properly. (We all know this may occasionally come as a shock to you.)

Me, Me, Me!

That is for the individual that can’t cease speaking about themselves. There was a time limit the place neighbors regarded out for one another and folks would follow random acts of kindness to assist their fellow human. You appeared to have disregarded that chapter.

Did you ever for a second suppose that perhaps, as a substitute of speaking about your self on a regular basis, you possibly can do some good on the earth with this superb platform we name social media? Set up a neighborhood clean-up, elevate funds for a great trigger, ask your self what you are able to do to assist another person (not, all the time, what they’ll do for you)… In some way enhance another person’s life. (And no, that doesn’t imply that it’s best to begin oversharing your private beliefs on how the world could be a greater place if solely we agreed together with your private or political opinions on every little thing).

Give This a Attempt: Exit of your means to assist another person primarily based on THEIR wants. This will likely come as a shocker, however it’s not all about you.

#Hashtags

You suppose you’re being enjoyable and witty by talking in hashtags: #ImJustSayin, #OhHellNo, #HowCuteAmIRightNow, #BestThingEver. You’re lame. #AndWeHateYou

We’re Sick of Your Opinions

By now, everyone knows your stance on the present political agenda or the way you suppose the world needs to be or what you suppose is the easiest way to do one thing… no matter it’s that you’re continuously stuffing down our throats. We get it. We too, are educated and know how one can learn. We see what you’re saying. All. The rattling. Time. Cease It. We don’t agree. We are going to by no means change our opinions and aspect with you. Or worse, we do agree, however we all know you’re driving a good larger wedge between us and people who disagree with us. Fb and its plethora of advertisers finding out all of your knowledge overload thanks, however we hate you. Simply. Shhhtop.

You Suppose You’re Cool. We Suppose You Want Assist.

Clearly by your fixed try to endorse one thing unhealthy: “I’m ingesting wine on a regular basis, I’m so cool,” “Hey, take a look at me smoking on a regular basis,” “Hey, right here I’m standing on a ledge 30 tales off the bottom. Don’t I rock so arduous!?” You’ve got issues. Really. Your folks might not inform you this as a result of they don’t need to offend you. However clearly you’re exhibiting the tech-based cry for assist and are searching for some kind of assist or endorsement on your self-destructive or dangerous behaviors. For actual, you need assistance.

Cease attempting to get everybody to assist your poor selections, and as a substitute spend a while researching how one can treatment your self. Good place to begin? Try the advertisements on the edges of your Fb feed. Ever marvel why they’re all associated to self assist? Sure, the universe IS telling you one thing, and so are all of the advertisers finding out your fixed information overload– who’re more than pleased to capitalize in your issues.

The Enabler: Probably the Worst Sort of Fb Offender

Ah, the enabler. OK, so that you’ve already acquired that one good friend in your listing that you simply hate for being essentially the most annoying– however maybe simply as equally annoying, if no more annoying, is that particular person in your listing who continuously helps the annoying good friend: We name this particular person The Enabler.

The Enabler reinforces every little thing the annoying good friend believes. The Enabler likes all of the annoying particular person’s posts, helps all their beliefs, says constructive issues in regards to the annoying good friend’s ridiculous or drunken rants and silly selfies. What’s worse? The Enabler greater than probably is aware of how annoying the annoying good friend is however nonetheless exhibits them assist for some unholy cause, be it out of insecurity or worry or no matter.

The Enabler makes the annoying particular person really feel like they’ve an viewers, thereby growing annoying particular person’s confidence in posting an increasing number of and extra– a fireplace from which we so desperately need to suffocate all oxygen. And also you, Enabler, are like gas for that fireside, serving to the hearth to develop, larger and larger, and you’re the enemy. And, due to this fact, we hate you, too.

You’re a Meanie

You’re the one who continuously has one thing snarky, caustic, or offensive to say about, actually, every little thing. You in all probability suppose you’re being humorous or insightful or have a proper to spew your venom since you had a tough childhood or some crap, however it’s hurtful, and all of us have already got sufficient powerful stuff we’re coping with in our private lives. We don’t want extra negativity. So cease it.

Be a part of an anger administration group. The professionals there are paid to care about your points. We aren’t. Secretly although, you marvel why nobody needs to be your good friend and be part of your whiny destructive grievance periods? Properly, you get what you give. Attempt remembering what you realized as a child: In case you don’t have something good to say, don’t say something in any respect.

You Are An Addict, and We Know It

What you’re watching on TV, what you’re serious about this very minute, your newest popular culture dependancy, your omg megacrush on an actor du jour (tomorrow, it’ll prob be a boybander; subsequent day, a sports activities hero), the six outfits you’re attempting to determine between for the banal occasion you’re attending later tonight. Guess what? We don’t care. And also you clearly have an dependancy: Over-sharing on the Web.

Give it some thought like this: You’ve got a favourite music artist, proper? You like their songs, however there’s a cause artists put out an album, let it run its course, after which disappear for a pair years earlier than they launch a brand new album. If that artist launched a track daily, you’d get so sick of them, you’d hate their guts. Properly, Fb offender, you’re that “artist.” And secretly, folks hate your guts. So give it a relaxation. Go get a interest. Step. Away. From. Your. Fb. Get hooked on doing one thing productive together with your life.

One-Trick Pony

Ever heard the phrase “Selection is the spice of life”? If not, look it up. As a result of for these of you who continuously speak about the identical factor again and again and over… It’s simply pics of your youngsters all of the rattling time, pics of your canine all of the rattling time, posts about your political opinions all of the rattling time, pics about how a lot weight you’ve misplaced all of the rattling time… Why do you suppose we care greater than as soon as? Greater than twice? Ever? We don’t. Change it up.

Foodie Overload: Chew on This

Photos of what you’re consuming for breakfast, lunch, dinner, an in-between-lunch-and-dinner snack, your late-night binging episode, the meals you’re consuming at a restaurant… You might not know this, however we predict you’re actually gross. More often than not, we simply need to inform you to cease consuming so rattling a lot, get on a treadmill, or purchase a self-help or weight-loss guide.

Do you not notice that all of us already know what a steak appears like? We all know it. Cease exhibiting us. It makes us need to attain via our laptop screens and beat you within the face senselessly together with your disgustingly fats and greasy over-stuffed burrito you retain exhibiting us. And we hate you.

Your Drunken Rants

Expensive Drunken Ranter, A reality: Booze and the Web Do Not Combine. (Re-read that if you happen to didn’t already get that via your thick, self-absorbed cranium.) So irrespective of how cool you suppose you’re or how entitled you’re feeling after just a few drinks to inform the world what you actually take into consideration one thing, likelihood is, if in case you have a clue, when you sober up, you notice how dumb you regarded by sounding off whilst you have been a drunk idiot. However heyyyyy, guess what? The remainder of us realized how dumb you regarded hours in the past once you posted your ridiculous drunken rant. Bear in mind the previous adage that ingesting and driving don’t combine? Right here’s a brand new one for ya, memorize it: Consuming and the Web Don’t Combine.

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