#bc i used to just push myself to post even if i had a bajillion undone sketch pages

[attaboy-art]

smile for the camera baby

[image id: a mock vintage magazine cover layout with Desmond Sycamore in the center, smiling widely, with one hand on his hip and the other holding a shovel over his shoulder. he is on a bright orange background. the title of the magazine is in big off-white lettering and reads "archaeology." the magazine is dated may 1966. on the left and right sides are titles of fake articles featuring within, from top to bottom to left to right: "Desmond Sycamore: Discovery of a Lifetime", "Mended Bones: Love in Early Society", "Women and Children First: Through time", "Brother, where art thou? Bog bodies found in Western England", "What makes a weapon? Examples from around the world", "Fire Burials: Evidence (or lack thereof)", and "Names and their Legacy". /.end id.]

[davnittbraes]

how did you get into the fic writing scene bc I feel like I’m trying so hard and it’s all for nothing?? 🧍🏼‍♀️

First of all, I’ve never related more to an emoji, I think we’re all out here just 🧍‍♀️and doing the best we can 😅

So to answer your question, I’m going to go on a little bit of a tangent, skip to the ***** if you want to bypass the extended version of My Rumination on Writing 😂

Oof, “trying so hard.” I feel that in my BONES.

I think people create because they’re trying - trying to find some way of expressing something they can’t otherwise. And as we grow and live and experience, we think of other things we want to tell the world, so we keep on creating, keep on trying to find some way to communicate what we want to say and we will never stop, not really, even if we put down the pen or the brush or the instrument. Our minds will keep working and finding methods of crafting what’s in our subconscious into something we can communicate, visualize, interpret and understand.

We’re all trying, so, so hard, and it will never be enough, because we’ll never stop creating. But trying, as hard as it is, should be outweighed by the satisfaction you get from producing whatever it is you create, and if it’s not, then something needs to change, whether it’s your method, your medium, or something else entirely.

And I think the Something Else Entirely usually ends up being the motivation to create.

I’ve never been a consistent writer. I’ve gone through bouts, writing in fits and starts with months-long breaks in-between. Then a while back I was in a weird spot in my life, feeling like I hadn’t been allowed to be myself, hadn’t been heard, for many many years. I knew that writing had always granted me the opportunity to say something, even though it was only to myself because I never shared my work. Whether or not what I had to say was interesting or the way I said it was any good, I had no clue. I just needed to feel like I was actually using my voice - MY voice - for once.

So I posted my first fic in September 2022 with honestly no idea what would happen. I kept repeating to myself that it was fine if no one ever read it, it doesn’t matter if someone actually hears me, the point is that I said something.

Looking back, the main reason why I never posted fic publicly before that moment was because I wanted so badly to feel like I meant something, and until that point in my life I had only ever received that validation from others. So the thought of putting my work - myself - out there, risking ridicule or even worse, impartiality, was too big and terrifying to contemplate. It’s also the reason why I never wrote to a consistent schedule, because I thought no one would value what I had to say.

It wasn’t until my motivation to create shifted to solely and completely for myself that I was able to let go of my anxiety. I write because I have something to say, and I want to say it, even if I’m the only one listening.

Throwing any creative work out there is a toss up, a million different factors can sway its path and no one knows how it will land. But one thing I know for sure is if I had posted with the need for validation from others that I held my entire life, I would have been devastated. Because no matter what the result, no interaction from strangers online - or even irl - would have been enough to make me feel like I was worth something. I had to figure that out for myself.

NOW. Just to clarify. I still struggle with anxiety and self-worth. I still slog through writing and rewriting scenes a bajillion times because I’m not happy with them, and I still feel like nothing I do is quite good enough, that I need to keep pushing and keep improving. But that does not override the feeling I get when I hit that post button on a new chapter.

Oh and I still do a little happy dance every time someone interacts with my fic - like, every time. I love them. Comments, likes, reblogs, kudos - I eat them up like a ravenous wolf. They fuel my motivation to keep writing, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I can accept and appreciate others’ opinions of my work without requiring it.

*****

So in summary of this entirely unnecessary TEDTalk, I’ll say I got into the fic writing scene because I had something to say. I just started posting fic and rolling with whatever came of it.

As for the trying part - the fics you post are not for nothing. Your efforts are not for nothing. They are a representation of something you want to tell the world. They hold value, because they are a part of you, and you have worth, beyond what you get from a social media app. Your fics are your voice, and even in a world full of noise, you’ll still be heard. Though it might only be you who hears it, that’s enough. Because you’re enough.