#bc you simply cannot talk about lelouch without talking about him too

[dont-look-up-at-the-sky]

Something I find amusing about C.C. & Lelouch's relationship (spoiler: it's not amusing at all) As a premise, despite everything I'm going to say, CluClu is my otp and will ever be, so this is not intended as a hate shitpost, even if who doesn't like them as a couple is also absolutely welcome to give their take. Furthermore, the topic of my discourse is just their relationship regardless you see it as romantic or not.

Now, to get to the matter, let's take a look first at the other two girls. I've always felt that Lelouch relationship with Shirley and Kallen were somewhat unbalanced, since they clearly had deep, sincere feelings towards him, but as much as he reciprocated them (as friends or almost-lover it doesn't matter here), it's always been them to give the strongest evidence of these feelings. He obviously cared a lot about both, and if I'm being honest I think that Shirley could have been his first love, but he only shows how much important they are to him under dramatic circumstances or if solicited, in response to some showing of "affection" from their part.

In Shirley's case, when he kisses her back after her father's death, when he wipes off her memories, when he blushes because he was expecting her to kiss him and then, sadly, when she dies. As for Kallen, the strongest example that comes to mind to me is when he says "you have to live" after he lied so that she didn't sacrifice her life for him. (I won't take into consideration when he made a move on her, for the following reasons: because he was at his lowest point and was only looking for something to numb himself, sex was the same as drugs at that time, no less self-destructive, and definitely not an act of love; moreover, because he didn't show her any affection AT ALL—what he said to her was straight up insulting and degrading (I state this as a matter of fact, but I'm not judging him here, I could talk about this another time), not something I would proudly bring as a proof of his feelings for her. Lastly, because my point now it's not to demonstrate which girl he had ROMANTIC feelings for.)

Then we have C.C. The only one among the three whose feelings for him were ambiguous to say the least. For the most part of the story, she manipulated and used him for her purposes by encouraging him towards the path that was most convenient for her. She knew from the start the truth about his mother, she watched him struggle and never said a word because that could have made him falter in his determination. She was aware of Charles plans, which she had been complicit with in the past, and also that he had a geass, but never shared these informations with Lelouch, again because that could damage her aim. She was the person who more than anyone else saw how much he was suffering, and I believe she started to care about him even early on the story, but still this wasn't enough to stop her.

Obviously she was conflicted, she often looks torn between what she wants to gain from him and a genuine feeling that she can't allow herself to have. Also, we could argue that, had she really wanted to go all the way with her plan, she could have done so already by trying to kill him, in order to push him to accept the code as the nun did with her (we know from Charles and V.V. that's not necessary to wait for the geass to evolve in both eyes). But she never does this. Deep inside she's not as selfish as she pretends and would like to be, and at a closer look it's lecit to wonder if at some point her decision to stay at his side wasn't for her purposes anymore, even if that was what she kept telling herself—but this doesn't make her actions towards Lelouch any less wrong, any less selfish and manipulative.

As I stated before, among the three C.C. is the only one who, even if she truly had feelings for him, never prioritised them over herself. Even the scene where she comforts him after Euphemia's death is ambiguous, since those words and that gesture came from a person who was taking advantage of him all along.

What about Lelouch though? To me it's always been even shocking how open his feelings for her were (whether you intend them as romantic or not, again, it doesn't matter!). We know him as a person who always acts quite cold (even if he's not), but then we have "I don't know why snow is white, but I think it's beautiful", "If you're a witch then I shall become a warlock", "I promise you the smile you never had", even that snarky "I cannot be friends with a goddess, I've made a contract with the devil". He worries that she could get hurt or die even if he knows she's immortal. To not speak about how he allows himself to be vulnerable in front of her and just her.

So, to refer to the title, what I find "amusing" is how the girl he shows most openly his feelings for is exactly the one who apparently reciprocate less and, for a fact, the one whose reasons for being at his side have always been not totally genuine.

That could open another matter of analisys which I find interesting about Lelouch, namely how his relationship with Suzaku is an ulteriore example of how he clings the most to the people who somewhat reject him and don't give him any assurance that they won't leave him. From a psychological point of view, it seems in line with a young man who in his childhood has suffered from severe trauma bounded to loss and abandonment. It's common in these cases to have the strongest reactions to real or imaginary threats of abandonment, while unconsciously re-enacting the trauma by being emotionally driven towards those who show they could leave at any moment unless you make efforts to hold them back. But this could be the subject of another topic one day, a topic that I would probably call "why I think that Lelouch shows many symptoms of borderline personality disorder, despite the more popular fan-diagnosis that I feel are sometimes dued to a general misunderstanding of personality disorders". Well, that's it! I'm curious to read your opinions, if you like to share :)