#bcs i napped earlier for... 2 hours? but i didn't actually nap

[asheneclipse]

oh hey look it's another 'ashen vents about her mother, boy this chick has issues' post! but as I literally don't have anywhere else to vent to, excuse me while i scream into the void. (I can't vent in therapy bc it is teletherapy and so my mother can probably hear me.) (why yes I would love to move out but the rent is too damn high and I don't want to live with randos. (am I the only one that thinks the roommate system is weird???) I'll stick to the weirdness I know thanks.)

look I'll even be nice and put my venting under a cut.

actually my roommate thoughts kind of got me sidetracked. anyway.

so earlier today my mom asked me about hocus pocus 2. If it was only on d+, if it was elsewhere, etc etc. Now I thought this meant she wanted to watch it with me, because she mentioned something like 'we could watch it'. Cool beans. So I go up to ask her something tonight, and she's halfway through HP2. And I'm like 'I thought you wanted to watch it together!!'

And I was a little upset. Not a LOT upset, but like 'ugh, that's rude' sort of upset. As I said, I thought she wanted to watch it together. and maybe it's just me, but I still haven't finished the first season of Jodi Wittakers run of the doctor because I told a friend we'd watch doctor who together. So like... I guess I take the 'watch something together' sort of seriously. (Is this a neurodivergent thing? is this something my friend is going to add to their stockpile of 'ashen is actually autistic' things?)

Anyway, so I said out loud "Is that...? I thought we were going to watch it together?!" and she tells me 'I didn't know you wanted to watch it!' because... I agreed that yeah, her husband could find it elsewhere on the interwebs so I wasn't going to look into it??? I'm sorry, what?

But like she was like 'well i can start it over I don't mind'

and maybe i should have taken that at face value and just said yes. but I didn't want to watch it tonight and she was already halfway through. I don't (usually) want to restart something I'm halfway through for someone else. maybe thats a bias.

And so I say 'no you're already more than halfway through-"

"I'm not more than halfway, I'm halfway."

"-ok you're halfway through so I don't want you to restart."

"Well you're obviously really upset."

"I am not really upset, I am a little upset since I thought you wanted to watch it together..."

and by this point she had taken off her headphones and looked like i killed her dog. I wasn't yelling, I wasn't even blaming her (even though she was like 'well weren't you asleep?' like no, actually, I did nap but it was only an hour and I've been downstairs and you could have checked.)

so now she is upset at me and I will probably find out I ruined her movie (ok this last one I'm possibly projecting or catastrophizing.)

AND THIS IS SO DUMB

And now I feel guilty that I made her upset. AND ALSO I don't care that she is upset, because that just seems to be her default state lately?? And part of me knows that's a shitty thing to feel, so I feel guilty about that.

all of this over a stupid movie.

[noxtivagus]

clear probably won't be today T_T

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 28

Not sure how ..

It's 6:08PM. And I somehow screwed up. Again.

Started the day with a lot of motive, but spotify ruined it. One wrong song in my queue and .. things went floopy.

I've been struggling since 1pm to stop. But I couldn't. I kept blasting songs into my ears for 5 straight hours. All I did was stare at the screen. Sometimes at the time and panic, but paralysed brain. When I realising that I'm supposed to be working, I change the song. And again, and again. And again. Rejulettan kept asking me about updates. Ignored that too. Actually, I just kept looking at the texts in notification bar and just cried while changing songs. I couldn't stop. I fucking couldn't.

My life started flashing before me. The times in college when me and Anand would work on projects together, and I always finish my work real late.. bc.. I didn't know why. I didn't know why I was slow at the time. I just thought I was stupid or lazy or sth. The terms Anand used. I believed them. Stupid. Idiot. lazy. I would believe em all.. I know deep down, that I want to work, but I simply couldn't focus. But when I finally could focus I was able to do em.

Had the same thing when I was in school. But I somehow coped. Idk. Maybe bc it was more organised. Spoonfeeding and stuff.

Ok.

Today was a mess.

I'm supposed to start working in 2 hrs. I had very light breakfast at around noon. Dehydrated. Hungry. Can't stop crying, head aches like crazy. And Rejul just called me a liar. I have no idea why. sth related to sth I said earlier. I don't have the braincells left to recall why. All they're trying to do is recall how Anand used to call me a liar. Lazy. Stupid. "All you need is a smack. You're being too lazy. Too negetive. You won't even meditate and whine about things. Won't exercise. Won't ,,,".... Shit, can't stop crying. My head might explode. It will stop once I stop crying. Just stop. What are your even cryin for? Can't focus on work, so just cry all day.??? WTFF? Why am I so weak? Wtf even happened to me? I used to able to struggle and find my way through stuff. I was atleast capable of unfucking things. STOP CRYING ..What is it a broken dam? Stop. Stop!! FUCKING STOPPP!!!! Fuck, it's getting dark and this laptop doesn't have nightlight!! Just have to wake up and go turn on the lights. But no.. just soak up in my own tears, reeking and feeding the mosquitoes in the darkness. Aaaaa.. Let's just pretend I'm in space.

tbfh, I'm fucking exhausted from trying really hard everyday. It's not fair. It's not fair that others can put more energy on their work, and most of my energy goes to just getting organised enough to gain focus on my work and just being productive in general. What if I had normal brain? The things I could've done. All those days and nights.. trying to make something of myself. I fear I'm gonna lose it all bc I would feel slightly sad one day, make all the bad decisions and ruin my life.

I will start working at 9:11PM and I have to stop crying now, eat sth, take a power nap, forget all this shit and reset my brain before I can work again. 2 hrs is enough? I hope so.

Idk how I'll manage when I'm in bangalore. I can't even cry out all this. How the fuck am I going to manage? Should I get a one per bedroom? Yes I should. Otherwise, will lose this job. FUCK!! HOW TF WILL I MANAGE IN OFFICE???

Okay, I really need to forget his existence. And all the bad things that happened. And get back to the game. It's bad enough I screwed up gsoc. Have to fix things.

I could only manage for 1 month. Shit. Is that all I can do?

Ok, should follow the workout regimen back from april. I must have the notes here somewhere. If my beloved sis didn't throw em out as trash. ;_;

That's it. That's my only hope. And see if things get better. If I don't screw up atleast for 2 months. I can continue , otherwise, I'm going for therapy. At all cost. I can't let my life go in ruins. I'll just go with medications or whatever. Just wish I could focus on my work like a normal person. And learn like a normal person.

[hyungkyun]

okay. okay. first of all, i can't believe you are attacking me like this????? why did u make me see that picture of jh......... with that hair....... and that stupid coat??? denim jacket..... wtf???? but u didn't even stop there. i could've survived that..... u had to put biker jooheon in my head...... what the fuck..... what the fuck. i can't get it out now, thanks a lot, I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight. u go die ::::((((( i vow to take revenge [1]

did u see the one i tagged u in this morning :) icb ur bf is so pretty? red lips to match the red beret? wow!! he sure knows what u like :))) cant wait to know ur url so i can actually tag u in stuff and annoy the hell out of u >>:)))

also ????? ur bf saved xmas…..icb he wrote a song for us grinch lonely ppl….thank u mr. lee :-0

Anonymous said:god honestly???? when I saw them live it was incredible??? Like….. i couldn’t believe they were real… they were tHeRE. uhdnjcjdjxjd. they were so nice :(((( it was a great day :( i almost cried tbh….. I’m not even making sense, I’m just rambling like an idiot :/ // “its a cold night and u decided to go to??? the city fair?????? and u buy warm street food bc its?? rly cold” u can’t blame me for this, at this point you’re making urself emo……. I’m not even doing anything….. [2]

FKJFH please i understand the rambling :// i spent this summer watching vids of ppl who went to their concerts and did hi-touch and stuff and i think i cried sfkjsdh i hope to get to see them live someday :( their performances are rly out of this world sigh

and shut h the fukckp ip???? he looked like a bf at a city fair what am i supposed to do…..lie to myself…..maybe i should….itd hurts less………..

Anonymous said:also omgmckcxnx that picture with hyungwon….. thank u god. not to be like this but hyungwon’s forehead is like. there. out there. what a treasure. // you’re so soft for ck’s messy hair, I’d say it’s cute but u attacked me quite viciously earlier so >:( think of ck’s fluffy mushroom hair when he wakes up from ur nap date :( die!!!! —a dying mbb secret santa

hws forehead rly took me by surprise i……..am a fan thank u :0 and his hair looks so good like???? theyre just eating out ck is a mushroom and he??? wow

ICB U SAID THAT DO U REALIZE I WAS IN CLASS WHEN I READ IT WTF SANTA!!!!!!! i kept dissociating for like 7 hours sdkfjhsdkj i h8 u >:(

Anonymous said:jsyk, u might have (forcibly) made me admit I’m jh biased but….. 👀👀 is my other bias rly wonho???? how do u know. i just talked about hw’s beautiful forehead…. we rarely see it…. it really is a blessing :( godbdjsjdjjs I’d never shut up about blond hyungwon ffvdvsssh. or i could talk about kihyun’s grey hair for hours, believe me…. this era he’s been making me want to die… orrrr maybe I’m rly wonho biased :-) his smile makes my entire day tbh… who knows —evil mbb secret santa

this is literally the confirm ure wonho biased tbh :/ but agreed on everything u said…….kihyun tells me to choke every day since dramarama came out ive stopped complaining ://///////

“forcibly” buddy u literally confessed ur love for him i didnt do anything :/

Anonymous said:psssst, ur bf is a nerd :/// mxfansignnotes (.) tumblr (.) com/post/168660027360 —mbb secret santa

:)

u know what id do with my endless energy :) kick his face :) endlessly :)

Anonymous said:d i e twitter (.) com/URIMPACT1996/status/941635423155003392 —u know who it is 🙃

PLEASE STOP do u see…….the mushroom……hes so cute…..so sleepy :( i hope he got to rest :((((((((( do u remember when he went back home and wrote on the fancafe that he ate a lot and then slept like pigs do :( hes a babie :( and same tbh thats why i think we should totally have a nap date? incredible are we meant to be?!

also i h8 u????????? in the first pic his cheeks look so soft i kinda want to cry? and please hes so sleepy im gksddkdkknfkkkngnnnnnnnnnn

Anonymous said:hi, secret santa here. i found out a little while ago about jonghyun’s death and i think maybe my last ask would come off as a little insensitive? i don’t know if you’re a shawol, and even if you aren’t, i think we’re all grieving right now. i know we’re obviously joking when we tell each other to die but i think it is not the right time to say things like that. anyways, you don’t have to post this or anything, i just wanted to apologize somehow :/ i hope you’re okay. take care

of course we’re just joking around but thank you for being so considerate, youre really nice 💗 im not a shawol and i didnt know much about shinee or jonghyun but what happened really saddened me… and knowing that there are so many idols, and so many people in general, going through what he went is incredibly scary to me; just the thought of losing someone so suddenly… i send my love to his family, members and fans, i hope they take care :(