#because Spite was a kind of fuel that moved me. which resorted to self harm | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jacksmusesdrv3 · 1 year

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I oversimplify the tears I cry While you tear them down line by line

Okay so this song is a doozy of a thing, and it’s mostly ‘vibes related’ rather than entirely, but it really stirred some feelings in me that I wanna spill

[!SONG CW!]: (general) self harm, disordered eating, suicidal ideation (towards the end of the song), blood, strangulation

Lemme just grab a couple of caps this time. I think that should be all I need

First says that Ouma ‘lies to entertain others’, and he likely references his experiences in the world generally. If we follow on from that, the second refers to how he plunged to the absolute limit of his sanity for his plans and, in no small part, it’s to entertain others- the people around him, presumably (though you can add the outside world watching as another layer to that...). Adding this to the gamification talk here, the idea is that Ouma could’ve been suffering for others’ gratification long before this killing game was a thing.

The difference to the song though, is that far from being open about his true feelings, Ouma covers and obfuscates them a great deal. That obfuscation is the ‘show’ he puts on- not so much the ‘open suffering for others to consume’, but the suffering he endures being a constant under the surface.

For an Ouma with this history, it’s basically the same, if he was made into a spectacle in his past. A ‘circus monster’, if you will: ‘you know nothing about me, but you’re entertained anyway, so that’s good, right? :D’

#kokichi ouma #inb4 'tone deafness' rather unfortunately I relate to feelings of this #song- rather that I could only do the best of things when I was suffering in Spite #because Spite was a kind of fuel that moved me. which resorted to self harm #which in turn to a kind of learned helplessness where I'd just stay in the spiral #and because at one point there was the Drama. I couldn't go anywhere. it felt like #which was a can of worms on top of mutually aggressive BS. unfair feelings abound #thus 'Wildfire' was a song I latched on to to try and process the sheer rage felt #and of course. this spite and anger went hand-in-hand with my analyses of Ouma #without it I felt like (and kinda still do) that I can't 'Ouma' the way I want to Best #because his energy just. Reeks of thinly-veiled ':)' kinda spite towards the world #not only that but it's the feeling of fractured energy I have compared to the days-#-when I was objectively Worse but putting out posts that are still liked at times #it's a kind of 'back then at least I knew how to feel' situation #anyways Circus can do just as good and better not suffering so much. so can I #and so can you #it's all about the process #a mystery that lasts forever #...or something like that #okay that's enough tags but it felt necessary this time #suicide mention /#self harm mention /#sh mention /#ed mention /#jacks personals #long tags

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