#because all of it together doesnt amount to a fraction of its worth

[shkika]

As a new Ultrakill fan, i just discovered about w1 and i'm obsessed with the lil guy! I wanna hold them in my hands like a bug :3

nobody can be as obsessed with W1 as itself hehehe

thank you so much!!

[sunnyg-rl]

We are not meant to spend our youth heartbroken. We are meant to spend our youth finding the person who wont try to break our hearts in the first place.

Sometimes you misunderstand someones intentions with you. Sometimes you plan things like the future and what you'll do together, but they only see it as cute play talk. Sometimes you prepare to go lengths with someone just for them to walk away. Sometimes you have to learn to be okay with being you when you thought you were learning to be okay with you and them.

And that sucks. That sucks real bad.

But I am not weak. I am not broken. I am not begging on the floor, anymore. I was. Two weeks ago. But I have been able to find my worth by not looking for it in him. And that doesnt mean I don't miss him. It doesnt mean I dont cry or run circles in my head. It means that even after Im done crying or overthinking I can comfort myself with knowing that I have me.

Its hard. It is so hard to try and get better. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I have to do something for myself or I'll just keep losing people I love. So I am trying everyday to learn to be someone I like and am proud of. Im not even sure who that is yet. But Im trying to find out.

He told me that he had lost feelings before our break up and regardless of how inappropriate his behavior was regarding that, Im glad he didn't lie. I guess I needed that harsh reality to actually keep going. I had only been one week into trying to heal when he left, and at such a vulnerable point, I wanted to, so badly, give up. Say fuck it and self destruct. But that wouldn't help anything. That wouldn't change the situation. So I gathered all of my strength and all of my resolve and all of my energy and I got up and kept fucking going.

I messaged him today and he said he didn't want to hang out yet, even though he said he wanted to be my friend, because he "knows" I dont want to hang out as friends... He is Jon Snow. He knows nothing. One of the best things this entire time since him leaving was that damn party because I got to explore the new dynamic between us. I got to see what being his friend actually means. And it was hard, yeah, but it was good. However, it makes him feel uncomfortable and I do not want to do that to him. So.

But. I am not broken. I am strong. I am not shrinking, I am growing taller. I am not worthless without him. And I know that. I have friends and I have family and I have books and plants and music and bike rides and weekends with my best friend that I am so thankful for and I am amazing. Nothing can take that from me.

I am advancing myself, which is something I didn't do when I was sad... Didnt do with him around. I thought of him as my safety and my protection and my support so I never tried for myself. I think I needed him to shake me back to reality. And it gave me whiplash, but Im back, aren't I?

I don't know. I want to be his friend and talk like we used to just no romantics. I also am so fucking astonished that the man I was in love with could do that to me. I also feel guilty for everything I did to him. But I feel free and new and that is scary because Im starting over from scratch. Im making the me I want to flourish into without anybody else influencing what that means.

Sometimes I am okay. Sometimes I just start crying. Sometimes I am happy and grateful and sometimes I want to do violent things. But I have to figure all of that out, all of me out.

And I know that when I finally do, or at least when I finally get the basics down, Im going to be exactly what I need. And then I'll go out and meet people and hold hands and kiss people and dance to loud music and feel good because I am me, just me, and that is better than okay.

Heart break has torn me apart in the past. And this one hurts the most. But Im handling it better than I ever have. And I know Im not nearly done with the pain of the loss, but I also know to focus on the good things and good times. (Statistically it takes someone 3x the amount of time spent with someone to get over them. So Im not even close to done yet. Which of course has me wondering how long he pretended to love me before he dumped me if he had lost feelings before then. Or maybe I just hurt him that bad that it made him numb.)

Anyway. I turn 20 in 2 weeks. I am taking my drivers test October 8th. I have an interview on Friday in the afternoon. And I have my whole life in front of me, all to my choice and that is exhilarating.

Im going to keep going, even without him, because he did without me, and if even a fraction of his love was real, then I know you can get past the feelings and the pain, because he did.

I cant wait for things to be great again. Right now they're just okay. But I have my whole life to feel great again. And I will.