#because im fucking insane and my brain seeks patterns too much

[rubarb69]

Bg3 is the hardest dress up game ever because it looks odd to put everyone in red, and yet what colors even look good other than red ?!

[funkygaypeopleinmyphone]

Its currently 6:16am and I'm on the toilet in the hotel bathroom while all my roommates are eepy cuddling (i was too it was great but i'm stupid ans booked my flight too early) and after tonight, i get it lol. I get why furry cons and fursuiting is so fun and frankly, addictive. Time to spill my guts out here lmao

Ok so for context i've been a furry for a while, like 2 years plus. But i was always in a weird spot about like going to conventions and fursuiting and all that "oh im not one of those weird furries who dresses up as a neon colored wolf in public." Granted I've also always never really cared for being too social beforehand and liked being a homebody. However obviously something has to change and that was when i got a lovely invite to go to megaplex 2023 with some online friends

Let me tell you this convention was an absolute trip. I picked some amazing roommates and a good con to go to, even though its in florida (blegh) because I was pretty much always having a great time. Having a good mix of experienced and unexperienced people helped to tame some of the newbie awkwardness without taking me out of my comfort zone toooo much. Did quite a bit of partying (though not to the same extent as a couple of our experienced roommates but being left out didn't cramp my style :3) and got to know some awesome people

One thing that really did it for me though by far was just being around people where i could be myself. Like there wasnt any pressure to fit in and be a certain way besides yourself. Sure dont be overly "weird", however you want to define weird at a furry convention, but besides that one caveat it was just so relaxed. I got to dress how i want and just let myself flourish. Everyone should have this kind of environment, its so incredibly good.

Now i meam what about suiting? Whats so good about putting on a big heavy suit of synthetic fluff that you can barely see out of and is hot asf and so on? Obviously its not a physical comfyness, like wearing a really nice set of PJs (though they can be hella comfy) but rather, a sort of comfort in ones own skin. Its dressing up yourself in a new way that better fits who you want to be. Being trans I vibe with this IMMENSELY and trying out some other people's stuff, yeah it really solidified a lot of feelings I already had. Like putting on the head and really just, feeling the character you are now. Moving past being just your human self and moving into someone new. Or maybe its just who you are truly and being more of "i am this." Idk everyone vibes with it in a different way.

A big thing was phantom touch, a feeling that people get when they get touched somewhere that isn't actually their living breathing feeling body. Its incredibly common in those who've lost limbs, but its also really prevalent in vr settings (i.e vrchat) and obviously in suiters. Like there are lots of people who feel people touching their suits and feeling it like its their actual skin, its pretty insane. Our brains are amazing little masses of meat that are capable of the unthinkable, to the point where someone entirely detached from you besides a visual and audio representation of someone played through basically a couple screens strapped to your face can result in you feeling someone else's touch. Something something touch starved something something human brains are very predictive and pattern seeking, but whatever who cares about the biology when it feels so damn good.

I was already transhumanist before convention, major fan of protogens and all that (what i wanna be a cute ass robot that'd be awesommmme) but what really got me was just putting on someone else's furry head while on things I'm not stupid enough to post online about and fucking woah, it was so eye opening. Just putting on the mask and like, BEING them was entirely different than anything else. Sure I played tons of vrchat and loved the avatars I put on and vibed with them. But this time I was really feeling it and was able to exist as someone much more like me. Sure not perfect, but it was enough that I really connected with the experience.

Yeah the fuck did i just type out, eh whatever im having a good time :3

[fairycosmos]

--TW EATING D. --idk why but i keep convincing myself i dont have and ED?? like i fast for hours and then binge like crazy. there was one time i did a ''water fast'' for 6 days. i didnt eat for 6 days. no one in my family said anything but like that is fucking alarming??? no one fucking does that. i also cant recognize my body sometimes. mirrors makes me suicidal. im sorry idk what this is. i just feel totally insane. btw PLS DONT ANWSER THIS IF IT MAKES U FEEL BAD or triggered ILYSM

:(( fuck i’m sorry babe, that sounds so painful and stressful holy shit??? i can’t imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, god. i’m honestly proud of you for dealing with it all so far. it counts for a lot that you’re still trying and that you’re still here. to me it seems like even though you go through phases of convincing yourself you don’t have an ED, you still have a caliber of self awareness and on some level, you want to be helped. that’s a genuinely good thing. hang on to that as much as you possibly can. i mean, you’re sending this ask, right? even that’s a good start. and you know it’s fucked up/dangerous not to eat for six days, you know mirrors shouldn’t make you suicidal, you know this isn’t healthy or right. you have to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend if they were going through what you’re going through. force yourself to take on that perspective, so you don’t get trapped in the ED’s lies. even if your mind tries to convince you otherwise, try your hardest to stay grounded in the facts of reality: you’re in a very unhealthy place right now, you’re doing serious damage to your body and you can’t trust your brain when it tells you not to eat, or that you’re gross, or whatever kind of bullshit it spews at you. it is actively trying to sabotage you. it wants you to feel depressed and alone because that makes you easier to control. you don’t have to fully buy into it. you are stronger than you will ever fully realize. i’m not saying you have to suddenly start eating normally again, obviously. i’m not saying you have to have everything figured out - it’s ok not to know what to do. i get that ED’s and logic don’t go together very well. but it’s about making small, positive changes, right? eating half a snack. disconnecting your worth from your body in your head. and above all, reaching out. making the active choice to put a stop to this before it’s too late. it’s in your control, not the eating disorder’s, but yours. 

and listen i’m really fuckin pissed off and kind of appalled that your family didn’t notice that you didn’t eat for so long. that’s insane. and you deserve so, so much more than that. your ED will probably use it as an excuse - if no one noticed, you can continue, right? if no one cares, why should you, right? but that’s just another form of toxic thinking that is going to kill you in the end. i don’t know why your family is so oblivious to your struggles, but it’s not a reflection of you or because of anything you did. it’s not your fault. and it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to deny yourself the help that that you very clearly need. are you still in school? if you are, i think it’d be a really good idea to talk to a teacher or the counselor about what’s going on. if that’s not an option, maybe call a hotline or look into mental health resources in your community, such as support groups. (there has to be something, there will be, if you seek it out.) or go to your regular doctor and let them know that you need help, even if you have to tell someone in your family first in order to do that. fucking scream it at them if you have to. you don’t have to be quiet about this anymore, you don’t have to accept what you’re doing to yourself. i know you don’t want to talk. i know every part of you is rejecting this idea. but i’m trying to be straight up, and i’m trying to stop you from doing any more serious harm to yourself. it’s over. you don’t want to live like this anymore, and you don’t have to. but the way to achieve that is by seeking the professional guidance that you need. going to long term counseling/therapy, learning simple coping mechanisms and thinking patterns, developing a care plan to make sure you’re getting the nutrients you need even when it feels like the most impossible thing in the universe. all of those things will let you breathe again. no matter how scary they are at first. the bottom line is this: you don’t deserve to live a life that is controlled by food and anxiety and self consciousness. there is so much more to you, and to the world, than that. i promise, you don’t have to hurt yourself physically to show that you’re hurting emotionally. you can communicate instead, and it will be okay. you’re not alone, i swear. so many people have been where you are at the moment, so many people have felt what you’re feeling. you don’t have to act like your only otpion is fighting this by yourself, alright? your family isn’t your only option. seriously. this isn’t a sustainable way of life, man. it’s going to end one way or another - you might as well make the right choice and put your mental health first for once. please, please consider it for now. even just calling a hotline anonymously will give you some sort of idea of what to do to help yourself in the future. you’re not going to regret opening up to people, especially professionals, but you WILL regret hurting yourself to such an extreme extent if you don’t at least try to stop. it’s alright for it to take a lot of time and energy. it’s supposed to a be a process. and you’re allowed to feel however you want to about it - angry, scared, sad, exhausted. register all of, let it wash over you. and do your best to cope in a healthy way. as long as you don’t let these temporary thoughts/emotions control whether or not you talk to someone. you know logically what you need to do. please attempt to do it when you’re ready. i’m rooting for you so much. i know you’re capable. i believe in you and your ability to get through this with all of my heart and soul :( i hope you’re okay. sending my love. if you want to talk more about it, or if you need a friend, please message me anytime. i’m always here.

https://www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-have-an-eating-disorder-1138275

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-treatment-and-recovery.htm

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/overcome-negative-thinking