#because that'd be fucking creepy i never want to go through that again

[kaevch]

STOP. STOP SHIPPING HIM WOTH CHILDREN. IM BEGGING YOY. THERE ARE LITERALLY TEARS IN MY EYES. IM GENUINELY SO FUCKING SAD STOP IT ILL FIND YOUR HOUSE AND SHAKE YPU UP AND DOWN VIOLENTLY/neg CAN WR JUST JUST JUST LEAVE HIM BE PLEASE. PLEASE. IM SO DONE WITH THIS SHIT

[arcplaysgames]

LET'S WRAP UP SOME SOCIAL LINKS WHILE NAOTO SLEEPS FOR A FEW WEEKS

"Queer teen who lost his father at a young age and struggles with being a masculine person on his own terms while also contending with the parts of him that don't feel manly" is a specific portrait and I think Kanji is a good rendition of it. Growing up with a narrow definition of strength and then breaking your back to try and force yourself to fit inside it has done its damage to more people than just Kanji.

He's gonna grow up to be such a good dude, like for real. Also, I never would have guessed this going in, but he's one of my favorite renditions of The Emperor. The willingness to protect those around him, the desire to be a visible member of his community, and the want to teach those around him his hard-won lessons. Kanji is a great Emperor.

Rise and Yosuke are both have the same fucking issue in that when they're good, they're great, but they also are the characters that piss me off the most. "Creepy," fuck off Rise.

But Kanji shows up to hang out and talk about his decision to be the punk guy who sews things and beats up gangs and tries to help local kids. It's ALL GOOD. It's all him!

Kanji Tatsumi, I adore you. You're the best character in this game by a fucking mile.

LOOK AT HIM!!!!!! LOOK! LOOK AT THIS GUY! THIS IS THE BEST GUY! Kanji is genuinely the person in both P3 and P4 I would most want to be friends with IRL.

Yukiko's arc has also come to a good conclusion. WEIRDLY she reminds me of Porrim Maryam and Kanaya Maryam from Whomstve. They were also people who were opt-ed into certain responsibilities because of how they were born and chafed against their duties until they went through a period of really contending with the question of "do I want to do this" divorced from the societal expectation that they would do that.

Yukiko's got a similar thing, which is probably why I think of her as a Space aspect person. She put everything in order to leave Inaba and strike out, and in doing so and seeing how.... not easy it was but how possible it was, it allowed her to become comfortable with staying. Which is an interesting arc I find relatable.

She's by far my favorite girl, I would be friends with her. Also she likes horror movies. Yukiko's awesome.

YUKIKO SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE MAGICIAN!!!!!!!! SWAP HER AND YOSUKE!

Let's swap to the fucking baffling confusing SLink of The Jester.

So the recurring thread in Adachi's SLink is that he's super fucking bitchy and annoyed at this lil old lady who has decided to take care of him because he shares a name with her son. She makes him food and asks after him and is always happy to see him.

It's not mutual.

Adachi prepares to hide form her again but it turns out her ACTUAL son is visiting and she's thrilled to have him around again.

I asked him if it made him sad at all, not talking to her, and check this the fuck out.

SO. Jester. Obviously its in conversation with the Fool, they both occupy the Zeroth position in the Majors.

While the Fool's entire point is that they are traveling and meeting/experiencing each stage of the Majors, from Magician all the way to World, the Jester seems like an inverted Fool in Persona 4.

Adachi has people around him who show concern, who try to care about him, and he both is passively unaware and is actively discouraging it. If the Fool went through the journey of the Majors and learned literally nothing, that'd be Adachi. And that's the way he wants it, because it's easier. Yeah it's lonely, but also... connections take effort. They require you to give a shit.

This is apparently my last SLink with Adachi outside, like, scheduled updates to it from the game plot, and lemme tell you:

I don't trust this fucking guy at all. The Ryoji Vibes are going off like a geiger counter. Between the fucking weird shit with his fake-drunkenness with Dojima and this thing here, the way he will exert effort only to avoid exerting more effort, I am fucking really unsettled by him.

And there have been these little moments, enough that they pile up slowly over time, where his line reads are just.... off. He's off. I used to think there was NOTHING behind that vacant expression, and now I realize yo he's voiced by Johnny Yong Bosch. Those moments are not accidental.

Is he the killer? I don't know. But he's not a good guy, and the fact that he's so conflicted about the closing of the murder cases is just adding to the sus vibes.

Like.... he straight up couldn't have kidnapped Rise, he was busy with us........ what if every kidnapping/murder was someone different...?

GAH I DUNNO. I gotta think. BUT!!!! If I'm right about something happening to Nanako later as an extension of Dojima being targeted, Adachi is a PRIME suspect.

I don't KNOW!!!!! Ugh. I'll get there.

I've got even more SLink summarizing to do, but this post is long enough.

[dariuskinkaid-xiv]

I really don't like to rant. I hate sounding whiny and letting people know that something is truly bothering me tends to get me to a point where everyone is going "PLEASE LET ME HELP TALK TO ME OH MY YOU NEED TO VENT BLAHDEBLAH"

All I need to do is get one little blurb of fuck this lady sideways with a road work sign out there and I'll be fine. Trust me.

ANYWAY convention season is starting and I am so excited. So so very excited...well, I was.

Normally I hit up the local anime con in April here in my neck of the woods. I get to see friends from college who've stuck around in the city and it's a great time! Normally, I'd stay with them, but last year my girlfriend and I snagged our own room. The wake-to-sleep periods vary wildly in our group and I know my girlfriend likes to shower for about an hour, so we took initiative there last year and it worked out. We did it again this year, but suddenly this is a fucking problem.

Girlfriend wanted to dress up as aggretsuko or however it's spelled. Awesome. Her friends decided they were gonna group up. That's fine, too!

Then her mother decided she wanted to join in.

The girlfriend's mother has BIG. ASS. MOTHERFUCKIN. Issues. She's one of those people who loses a parent and decided that she needs to be super involved with whatever her kids do because how will anyone remember but is secretly trying to vicariously live through her kids and hate when someone has a shred of independance. If you don't understand that, you should've seen the reaction I got when I bought my girlfriend a tv and this woman realized her daughter had the option to not leave her room post installation. She BEGS for her to come downstairs to 'chat'.

Anyway, she feels the need to be included in every event to the point that girlfriend and I have talked about going to something and have totally eliminated said plans because her mom goes "OH WE CAN ALL GO AND IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN". We did a Bravely Default group once and she INSISTED that she 'take the bullet' and be our missing Tiz when we never asked. The woman gets 'involved' in every thing her daughters get into and start fucking harping on it to the point that it goes from something you enjoy to something you hate. Happened with BD, happened with pokemon go...I mean hell, if the woman gets a hitch on Kingdom Hearts what will my girlfriend even do?

But, yeah, the lady goes to cons. Still dunno why, really. Sometimes I view it as kind of creepy, but idk fam, this lady...but still, ain't gonna shoot that down, that'd be super close-minded.

Anyway, we snagged our hotel this year and her friends ended up going elsewhere with her mother. Suddenly, there's a photoshoot scheduled at '2:45' first day of con. That time has now changed to 1:30-2, and now I'm driving up alone because this WONDERFUL LADY WHO DIDN'T ASK ANYONE ELSE WHAT THEIR FUCKING PLANS WERE can't move her slot.

Fuck, dude, I seem self-centered but plenty of folks will tell you altruism is a better trait I display. Normally, I'd not say a word, but the NERVE of this cow to act as if I should be spending more money to go up earlier when we mentioned we were not going up a day early...I SPEND ENOUGH AS IT IS FOR THIS. THIS IS MY VACATION, TOO...

Normally, I put blinders up, but I'm not. I hope this lady sees this shit somehow, browsing the internet that magically shows her every vague thing about her. I WANT WORLD WAR THREE. I WANT TO TELL THIS WOMAN HOW QUICK A DOCTOR WILL DIAGNOSE HER WITH BIPOLARISM. SHE'D NEVER DO IT BECAUSE SUDDENLY PEOPLE WOULD 'CALL HER CRAZY', BUT FUCK EVERY DUCK DUDE, IT'D HAPPEN SO FAST.

I feel better.

It's 1:30ish in the AM.

It bedtime.

[whtaft]

AU Ideas: 4 (with Artist Steve?? that'd be amazing) or 13 or 15

15: My friend made me a grindr/tinder profile without me knowing and you liked my profile and then sent me a message which just said 'Bees?' and I'm a little confused but intrigued.

— —

Steve’s phone buzzes.

“If this is another Grindr notification, I swear to God—“ Steve starts.

“That you’ll answer it and go get laid?” Sam says. Natasha snickers.

“That I’ll kick your ass,” Steve says.

Sam raises an eyebrow. “Will you?” he asks.

“Yes, I will!” Steve says.

“He’s very scrappy,” Natasha says. “He once managed to scratch me.”

“Check your messages,” Sam says.

Steve sighs, rolls his eyes, and pulls out his phone. He reads the notification from wintersoldat3255. It says, Bees? and nothing else.

He holds the phone up to Sam. “See?” he says. “See the weirdos who message me because you made this profile?”

Sam takes the phone from Steve, reads the message, and snorts. “Okay, well, maybe they’re not all winners. Let’s see what he…” he trails off, eyes going wide. “Shit, those are some pectorals.”

“Oh, pass it here,” Natasha says, taking the phone. Even Natasha — who is rarely impressed — raises her eyebrows. “Maybe you should see what this guy has to say,” she says, passing the phone back to Steve after a long moment.

“I’ve seen what he has to say, and what he has to say is ‘bees’, apparently.”

“It was a question,” Sam says. “You should change your intonation.”

Steve exhales. “Bees?” he asks, exaggerating the raised end of the question. “That better?”

“Very,” Sam says. “Now let’s look at your other prospects.”

Steve gets up to get another round of drinks.

— —

He doesn’t know why he goes back to Grindr that night, after he’s back home and has had a few drinks. It’s not that he wants to get laid — honestly, he doesn’t want to get out of bed — but he’s sort of curious about who saw his photos and thought ‘yeah, I’d hit that’.

He scrolls through a few generic messages, then sees the one from wintersoldat3255.

Bees?

What the fuck.

So he types out, what the fuck? and sends it back to the guy.

He doesn’t expect an answer — the guy messaged him hours ago — but it only takes a minute or so before he gets a response:

You say save the bees in your profile, which is noble and everything, but I know for a FACT that you’re allergic to bees.

First of all, Steve is a little heartened knowing that Sam knows him well enough to include the fact that the bees need to be put on the endangered species list and should be protected on his dating profile. But then he realizes that this guy… somehow knows that Steve is allergic to bees, which is creepy as hell.

No I’m not, Steve lies, calling the guy’s bluff.

No, you are. I’m the one who shoved an Epipen in your thigh after you got stung during Gilmore Hodge’s birthday party and his mom was too freaked out to do anything about it.

Steve stares at the message, then shakes his head. It can’t be right! The person who stuck the Epipen in his thigh during Gilmore Hodge’s birthday party was Bucky Barnes, and this guy can’t be Bucky Barnes.

Can he?

Steve quickly clicks over to his profile. He scrolls through the pictures, but there aren’t any of his face, just abs and pecs, which makes Steve roll his eyes a little. When he goes back to his messages he has another from wintersoldat3255:

Yeah Steve, it’s me.

Steve’s eyes go wide.

Bucky? he asks.

Long time no see.

Can’t actually see your face, so I don’t really know it’s you.

A photo appears. It’s of Bucky Barnes, mugging for the camera with a toothy grin.

You wanna catch up? Bucky writes.

Sure. Where are you? Steve asks, heart beating fast.

It’s Grindr. The whole point is that you can see.

Steve rolls his eyes, they make plans to meet-up at a local 24-hour diner in a half hour, and Steve saves the photo that Bucky sent him, just in case.

— —

Bucky is already sitting in a booth when Steve walks in. He perks up, grins, and waves. “Steve!” he calls.

Steve straightens up a little, takes a breath. He shouldn’t be so nervous; it’s not like there’s anything riding on this. He’s just seeing his childhood best friend for the first time in over ten years. No big deal.

Doesn’t help that Bucky was Steve’s first crush, but no big deal, either.

He walks over, and Bucky’s just grinning at him, like he’s the best thing he’s seen in years. “Hey Buck,” Steve says.

“Steve,” Bucky says, kind of breathy. “Wow, you look fantastic.”

Steve shrugs. “I look like me,” he says. “Don’t have abs like you do, apparently.”

Bucky laughs, ducks his head. “I’ll be honest — my friends made that profile for me. I thought Peter was taking pictures for his art class of me at the gym.”

“Why didn’t he include his face?” Steve asks. “It’s not like your face is a bad one.”

Bucky laughs. “Thanks for that, I think.” He pauses, starts playing with the edge of the plastic menu on the table in front of him. “And it’s because I’m out but I’m not out out.”

“Okay?” Steve says, a little confused.

“Anyhow, what have you been up to? How’s life? Do you still like pancakes? Because this place has the best pancakes.”

— —

It’s weird how easy it is, reconnecting with Bucky. Steve never spent much effort trying to find him after they lost touch. He just assumed that Bucky thought he was too cool for him when they got to high school, and it was almost a relief when he moved away during the summer before their junior year, just so Steve wouldn’t have to be reminded of the best friend he lost.

He wants to ask Bucky about it, but he doesn’t have to. Bucky just opens up during their second round of milkshakes.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“For what?” Steve asks.

“For when I stopped talking to you during high school. I know that it must’ve made you feel like shit.”

Steve fidgets. He doesn’t want to answer that.

“You know my parents were in a bad place.”

“They got divorced, right?” he asks.

Bucky nods. “But the last two years were… really bad.” He pauses, clears his throat. “I wasn’t hanging out with a great crowd. And I think I justified not talking to you because I didn’t want you to get involved with that crowd. But I more just think that I didn’t want you talking me out of the bad shit I was doing.”

Steve remembers the way that Bucky walked down the halls with his friends, rolling his eyes at Steve when he tried to talk to him. Of course, Steve tried to talk to him, tried having a showdown of some kind, but Bucky would just… walk away. He never bothered listening.

It hurt.

“And then my parents got divorced and my mom and I moved in with my Uncle Pierce, and…” He trails off.

“That’s the uncle who I met that one time, right? Who said I should be sent to a pray away the gay camp?”

“We had no money,” Bucky says.

“How was it?”

“I joined the Army as soon as I could,” Bucky says with a weak smile.

“Shit,” Steve says.

He shrugs. “I’m out now, and I’m doing pretty well for myself. Got my issues, but everyone else does.” Steve nods. “And besides, I’m free to do whatever I want now, so.”

“So you’re spending your time on Grindr?” Steve asks.

“You are, too!” Bucky says.

“My friends made me a profile!”

“No, Steve, you can’t take that excuse. I already used it.” He’s laughing, and Steve kicks him underneath the table.

“It’s true!”

“Yeah, yeah, Steve Rogers.” He stops laughing, just smiles. “Steve Rogers,” he repeats, quieter.

“That’s my name,” he says. The ‘don’t wear it out’ is implied.

He glances down at his shake, and stirs it with his straw. “I wanted to find you again for a while,” he admits, still looking down. “I debated about sending you a message for about an hour before I did.”

“I’m glad you did,” Steve says. “I’ve wondered a lot about what happened to you.”

“Do you think…” Bucky starts, looking up. He clears his throat. “Do you think that we could meet again sometime? I just… I feel like this is a second chance, and I don’t wanna mess it up.”

“I’d like to see you again,” Steve says, stomach tingling, and not from the milkshake.

“Cool,” Bucky says, and Steve feels his foot shift against his. He doesn’t move it away.

Steve doesn’t mind, just presses his own foot closer to Bucky’s, and looks forward to their future together.

[punkscowardschampions]

Fearghal & Fraze

Fearghal: Your sister has had the baby, 10.30 ish this morning, both healthy, no complications Fraze: Cheers for letting me know Fraze: I'll have to give her a bell when she's home Fearghal: Yeah about that Fearghal: if you could give her a couple of days, it'd be greatly appreciated Fraze: What's the craic? Caleb being a twat again like or what? Fearghal: No, well, not exactly but there is some shit she needs to get in order Fearghal: on strict orders to tell you all as much as you need so you're not worried but she'll give you the rest in her own time Fearghal: thought I'd get to you sharpish, on the off chance Ro wants to talk to Bea about it Fearghal: Know they don't usually talk but, she might, I dunno Fraze: Fucking hell Fraze: The kid got two healthy heads? Fearghal: As good as, son Fearghal: that's how it feels Fearghal: The kid ain't Calebs Fearghal: obviously so, you understand Fraze: Jesus Christ Fraze: It's white, ain't it? Fraze: What's Ali doing about it Fearghal: Right Fearghal: Keeping it of course Fearghal: but that has everything else a bit up in the air, her and the lad, he's meant to be going off to Singapore with her Fraze: Does she know who the other lucky lad is? Maybe he'll take the plane seat Fearghal: Oi, enough of that Fearghal: She does and it isn't fucking likely Fraze: Calm down, da, you know I've got her back Fraze: You gonna go round there and sort him? You ain't getting any younger, gotta be careful Fearghal: Fucking cheek Fearghal: Don't think there's much point, no talking to some people and anyway, what do I do for the best? Fearghal: She doesn't want him, get nothing forcing a piece of shit Father on the poor little sod Fearghal: Might be better off with him out of it frankly Fraze: She knows how to pick 'em Fearghal: Sound like your Mother, boy Fearghal: can't say he doesn't love his kids Fraze: Poor cunt Fraze: I'd go mad Fearghal: Same Fearghal: its not all it sounds, she's not cheated or been reckless but Fearghal: I'll let her explain herself Fearghal: Poor kid, all she's been doing since Fraze: It's a head fuck all round Fraze: Fair play if she's got any words Fearghal: She needs all the support she can get right now Fearghal: that's all we need from you lot, got it? Fraze: yeah yeah old man I hear you Fraze: What you think, I'm gonna wet the baby's head and drown the poor fucker Fraze: Come on Fearghal: You're not exactly known for your tact, are ya son Fearghal: Hence the preparation so you don't say something really fucking stupid Fraze: She's still my sister even if she is making a holy show of it Fearghal: None of you are angels Fearghal: but we're family, its a life sentence, no parole Fraze: Too right Fraze: Who's telling Joe? Fearghal: You can, if you'd like Fearghal: no chance of me or your Ma getting a response really but Fearghal: know he feels he can to you lot, when the mood takes him Fraze: Putting it strong but I will for what it's worth Fraze: He's gotta be told Fearghal: Cheers Fearghal: and if you could forewarn Bea to be on her best behaviour should Ro come-a-knocking Fearghal: rather you than me Fraze: Cheers yourself then Fraze: Ali coming back to yours? Fearghal: For now, yeah Fearghal: got about a month 'til she goes Fearghal: if she does Fraze: Rather you than me Fraze: Don't miss the kids being that small Fearghal: Loving the terrible twos that much, are ya? Fraze: I love a row, yeah? Fraze: It's hilarious Fearghal: Any excuse for a tantrum eh Fraze: Buster clocked me the other day, I was well proud Fraze: Great jab on him Fearghal: 'Course he does, he's a McKenna Fearghal: know what to get him for their next birthday then, I'll tell Ma Fraze: Speaking of, does Hallmark do a 'sorry your kid came out white' card or we improvising that hard on the gift front? Fraze: Fucked us all up there Fearghal: Funny, keep it up and you'll be dealing with worse than your toddler's Fearghal: I'm not sure she's incredibly arsed but you know what you need, wasn't that long ago Fearghal: She's not going to start sobbing at the sight of a babygro Fraze: I was gonna get her and the lad shit for Singapore case they started missing the homeland Fraze: Awkward Fraze: I bet she's desperate to fuck off out of it now Fearghal: It'll still be appreciated Fearghal: Last I heard she's determined to still go Fearghal: I'll intercept the post if there's a change of plans, like Fraze: She'll go just to prove she can Fraze: Stubborn fuck Fraze: Good thing the real dad don't want a look in like Fearghal: Mother's daughter Fearghal: Yeah, no danger of that Fearghal: Maybe when they come back he'll have manned up Fraze: I can't imagine having to hop on a plane every time your kid's got a shitty nappy Fraze: Don't sound like he's bothered though Fraze: Not like she needs him Fearghal: Nah Fearghal: Not every cunt is lucky enough that the relationship with the Ma works out though Fearghal: can't have the kid or her all to yourself all the time if you've fucked it Fearghal: but co-parenting and sharing is better than nothing Fearghal: if you ask me but he disagrees Fraze: No cunt'd keep me from my kids Fraze: Nothing to do with luck Fraze: It's an excuse for him to be a pussy and cry off if he gets challenged later Fraze: Can't be that loved up with her if it's the first we've heard Fraze: He's a twat. End of Fearghal: You know what I mean Fearghal: Heaven forbid you two ever broke up, you'd do what you could and make the most of your time with them Fearghal: Not sulk like a soppy twat because its unfair Fearghal: The feeling certainly is not mutual, from what I understand, at any rate Fearghal: But I thought the same Fraze: You gonna say next that it was all bad luck Ronnie's da was a waster and bowed out? Fraze: Some cunts honestly Fraze: Too busy crying to wipe your kids eyes Fraze: Ali's well rid Fearghal: I've got no room to judge Fearghal: he was a kid, made my own mistakes at his age, arguably as bad Fearghal: S'too short to be angry about it, you just have to get on with it Fraze: You don't get to be a kid when you have one, simple as Fraze: Tell me who the cunt is of Ali's I'll write that on his head for him Fraze: Proper spell it out Fearghal: Nah, you don't Fearghal: but even if you don't raise the kid, your childhood's still gone Fearghal: I doubt Josh went on to do great things with his life, or he don't have regrets about how he handled it Fearghal: I don't think its my place, son Fraze: Ma had me though, don't get greater, yeah? Fraze: I reckoned on you saying that. Ah well. Had to give it a shot Fearghal: So you say, so you say, boy Fearghal: You know you'd never hear the end of it Fearghal: Wouldn't be appreciated, like Fraze: Yeah Fraze: Probably won't hear the end of Bea if I don't tell her who it is though Fearghal: She'll probably work it out Fearghal: They're brighter than us Fearghal: Your Ma didn't seem surprised but first I'd heard of it Fearghal: Naturally, or maybe coulda intervened before now Fraze: Sounds legit Fraze: Fuck's sake Fraze: Our family needs their heads banged together, us two excluded Fearghal: Preaching to the choir boy Fearghal: we do alright Fraze: You were never a choir boy Fraze: Might bring Joe out of his hole, I'd take that Fearghal: 'Course I was Fearghal: fucking angelic, mate Fearghal: Yeah Fearghal: as usual, keep us posted Fraze: Fuck off Fraze: The cat thinks you're dying when you let a tune out Fraze: 'Course Fearghal: Well, lots changed since those days Fearghal: Balls dropped for one Fearghal: Career over Fraze: Regrets, you've got a few, yeah? Fraze: On you go, lad Fearghal: Too right, take me back Fearghal: Miss those nuns Fraze: Bet they miss you too Fearghal: I wouldn't bet on it but you know Fearghal: Only got better with age, in all the ways Fraze: Don't fancy your odds? More for them Fearghal: Oh trust me, you don't wanna face them on anything Fearghal: There's a reason we spared you the Catholic Schools Fearghal: aside from being relapsed and your Ma a filthy heathen Fraze: That'd do it Fraze: Damned the lot of us Fearghal: Might've done Fearghal: Not what we had in mind but Fraze: You're alright da I've competed my fair share of sins Fraze: Heaven's not a place for me Fearghal: I reckon we're best off if I don't know Fraze: Pissed my own bed with no help from ya, either way Fearghal: Oh well, at least we'll all be in the same place on the otherside Fraze: Stuck with all of yous Fearghal: Looks like it Fearghal: Tried to lose you all back in Liverpool but Fearghal: ya followed Fraze: Shouldn't have had a pint in your hand constantly it'd be easier to get rid of me Fearghal: 🍀 Fearghal: What can I say? Fraze: Given up the cigs yet, mate? Fearghal: Have you? Fearghal: Cheeky git Fraze: That's a no Fraze: And with a newborn in the house! Shocking behavior like Fearghal: Well, might be able to get through a whole pack by myself without your thieving mitts about, eh? Fraze: Quick learner and I had a good teacher Fearghal: How did any of ya survive honestly Fearghal: God knows Fraze: 🍀 Fearghal: Must be Fraze: Unless the bloke from downstairs with the horns wants to take credit, like Fearghal: If so, you're slacking in spreading the evil about for him Fraze: Got the next generation to do it for me Fearghal: Started doing that Damien shit have they? You were a bugger for staring at us as we slept, creepy lil fucker Fraze: Those twins from the Shining have got nothing on my two Fraze: Thank Christ they weren't both girls Fearghal: Woulda been a cracking costume but not good for your nightmares Fearghal: Ahh, those were the days Fearghal: Appreciate 'em Fraze: I do Fraze: It's fucked up that lad is so keen to miss out Fearghal: Well, he hasn't got the experience to know what he's depriving himself of Fearghal: Hm, might've been a giveaway that Fraze: I swear not to break his legs Fraze: Not looking to get you in shit with the girls Fearghal: I understand Fearghal: Its very fucking tempting Fearghal: You've got three guesses, use your head, kid, given enough away like Fraze: I reckon he's the kind of cunt to shop us, wouldn't put it past him by the sounds Fraze: Last thing anyone needs Fearghal: No chance, which makes it all the more Fearghal: Type of lad who can't go running to garda for anything Fraze: Fuck Fearghal: Yeah Fearghal: Why else would Ro be in a fucking state too Fearghal: Bastard Fraze: She's always in a state about something Fraze: I can't blame her this time though in fairness Fearghal: Apparently, its been years in the making, you know the type, gets so many yes' Fearghal: A no don't sit right, it wasn't THAT though, before you really get angry Fearghal: the chase, whatever, we've all been there and its obvious he's a scumbag but her sister Fearghal: Didn't need to go there, did he? Fraze: Opportunistic cunt Fraze: I bet he got her drunk as well as Fraze: Biding his time 'til she was at any rate Fraze: She wouldn't go near him otherwise and he knows it Fearghal: She was, your Brother reluctantly told us, didn't wanna snitch but wanted us to have the full picture Fearghal: it was back when Caleb wasn't coping with the boy and they had their break Fearghal: Your Sister wasn't coping as well as she fronted either, apparently Fraze: Fair play to Tommo, this lad's a bigger rat Fraze: Glad he had her back when it was kicking off like Fearghal: Yeah, glad she had someone she could confide in Fearghal: 'cos obviously Ro was out of the question Fearghal: So much for loyalty from him to Caleb though...after all that family has done for him Fraze: Yeah Fraze: Great lad all round, ain't he Fraze: No surprise he isn't stepping up for his kid Fearghal: Yeah, not unless she stays with him Fearghal: Over my dead body, sunshine Fearghal: She won't, even if she has to leave without Caleb, she's not daft Fraze: Over his if he fucking tried it Fraze: Nobody's keeping her from going Fearghal: Its all she's wanted and worked for Fearghal: Though your mother isn't thrilled about the idea of her going out there alone with 3 babies in tow Fearghal: I'm not either but I know she can Fearghal: fucking how, I do NOT know Fraze: None of us want her over in wherever the fuck but it's where she's gotta be Fearghal: Right Fearghal: None of you can be normal and do one thing at a time, can you? Fraze: Who'd you think we got that off, you soft twat Fearghal: Fair, I never did the School thing and your Mum only went back inbetween you lot and Mr Oopsy-Baby himself Fearghal: Still proud of her Fearghal: and yous, glad you are but fucking hell Fearghal: gonna be in the ground 'fore the year is out, I tell ya Fraze: It'd be one hell of a party but there's plenty of shit to celebrate before you pop your clogs Fraze: If only Ali not being saddled with the local wannabe Fearghal: True Fearghal: I'll do my best to stick around then Fearghal: No promises Fraze: Try and earn a bit more before you're in the ground Fraze: Save us lot paying out Fearghal: Just fling me in the sea Fearghal: I'll write it in the will, no suspicions like Fraze: Trying to get the garda on me, are ya? Fraze: Unlucky Fraze: Gotta get up earlier than that, lad Fearghal: Oh well, had to try, ay? Fearghal: Reckon Rock's still young enough to fool Fearghal: Probably have me off the cliff whilst I'm still living like Fraze: He would Fraze: Watch yourself Fearghal: Got to Fearghal: Got Rio running 'round doing his bidding at the mo Fearghal: not needed tonight but might escape to the pub for the peace Fearghal: Irish Da style Fraze: 'course Fraze: Have one for me Fraze: Cambs can't compete Fearghal: I'll save it for the next time yous are over Fraze: Get yourself down here and save me from all these posh twats Fearghal: No chance, lucky you got a mongrel of an accent, catch a note of mine and I'll be banned with the dogs and blacks Fraze: Might get that burial sooner than you reckoned Fraze: Make your mind up Fearghal: Reckon I could take 'em but not in the courts like Fearghal: they'd have to fucking kill me, got no dosh to dole out Fraze: I'll let you off then Fraze: This once Fraze: Less good for us lot behind bars than you'd be in a box Fearghal: Know what I'd prefer Fearghal: Might bump into one of me brothers Fraze: Perfect time for a family reunion right now Fearghal: Fuck no Fearghal: Avoiding 'em in hell too like Fraze: Best of luck with that one Fraze: I'll raise a glass to it Fearghal: You can raise it again to the fact you never had to meet 'em Fraze: Any excuse for another drink, yeah Fearghal: If MY Da taught me anything worth remembering Fraze: A recycled lesson would be the only one I take to heart Fraze: fuck's sake Fearghal: What can I say? Fearghal: Not full of wisdom just full of shit Fraze: That makes one of us Fearghal: When yours can string a proper sentence together come back to me boy Fearghal: see how clever you feel when a kid's running rings round ya Fraze: Never gonna happen, I've got all the answers Fearghal: 😂 Fearghal: Well, best be off Fearghal: the kids are running riot and the baby is screaming along with your Ma so Fearghal: that's my cue to jump ship Fraze: yeah don't let me keep ya Fearghal: Catch you later mate Fraze: Look after yourself Fraze: And that lot Fearghal: Will do Fearghal: You and yours like

[epajournal]

Anonymous9837 Not seeing new messages? Click here to correct.

Anonymous9837:

22:17

While an IMALIVE Volunteer is joining this chat, please take a moment to read this disclaimer. If your chat disconnects unexpectedly, it may be caused by wifi network connection issues, so please log back in and start a new chat. IMALIVE chat is for those who are thinking about suicide or are in distress. If you are having trouble seeing new messages or typing, please select - Click here to refresh - on top of the chat window. If you or someone you know is currently in the state of medical emergency, please dial 911 or your local emergency number for an ambulance. The volunteer will not be able to locate you without your help. If you wish to speak to someone on the phone right now, you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE(784-2433) or visit befrienders.org to find your local hotline. Please stay online while the next available volunteer is connecting to the chat....

Alex:

22:18

IMALIVE Volunteer joined the chat.

Alex:

22:18

Hi, my name is Alex. May I ask your name?

Anonymous9837:

22:18

Hey there. I guess Elise, that's my real name.

Anonymous9837:

22:18

I don't know, I feel silly doing this at all. I guess first, how are you?

Alex:

22:19

It sounds like you're worried about being judged

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Well, I'm mostly worried about being whiny, honestly.

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Like... I don't know, I'm not in an immediate place where I'm going to hurt myself, honestly

Alex:

22:19

Why don't we start with what brought you here today

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I just know if I don't talk about it or at least let someone know I'm having bad thoughts that it'll swell into a pretty crappy place later.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

Well, I guess just... My life's in a real weird place. I'm on medication but I've been off it for a few days, back on it again. I've been in therapy for close to a year but my life just seems to be getting worse.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I think I need to get a new therapist or something, or at least talk to her about improving our sessions. But it's tough.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

I also know that we're at a place where it's like... There's not too much more she can do for me in a lot of ways.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

And I guess that's scary.

Alex:

22:22

It can be very discouraging when you feel the help you're getting isn't helping. It sounds like this is adding extra stress to your life at a very bad time

Anonymous9837:

22:23

I wish I had something that was more unknown to me or had some big revelation about why I'm all dysfunctional, but. I don't. I feel like a car that's been taken apart and clearly you can see things aren't working right, but somehow you can't get the pieces to fit back together right. There's not much more to do than just trash it, you know?

Anonymous9837:

22:23

And yeah, it's demotivating. It took me a long time to go to therapy again, I mean I went through a bunch of therapy as a kid and none of it was too much help. I took a chance with it again recently and it's just been...

Anonymous9837:

22:24

I guess a lot of it has been useful, at the very least I can say I'm working on it, but I just want to be... Not even "fine", but just better.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

It's hard to imagine a year ago that I was nearly a functioning person, but. I guess it's a real shaky support that keeps that facade going, things were clearly going wrong.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

Sorry, I feel weird not asking again, how are you?

Alex:

22:26

No need to feel weird. We are here to work with you and focus on how you are doing

Anonymous9837:

22:26

Well, thank you.

Anonymous9837:

22:27

I'm in my late twenties and live with my mom and brother... Our house isn't big enough for everyone so we ended up with me in the basement, but in the last few months I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and moved upstairs, even though that means not having a room and sleeping in the living room.

Anonymous9837:

22:29

And it's been a rough adjustment. I can't get myself to take care of my messes easily as it is, so combine having a small house where I don't have a room, things build up, people get upset. I've been out of work since last July, I had some financial fortune to get by but I fucked that up pretty badly and I'm broke again, but I just... There's no way I can hold a job. My therapist and I are working on SSI but it just... takes a while, and it makes me feel like I'm a brat.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

My mom's disabled, physically, so it's like. I feel like I'm making an excuse for myself when I should just be having a job. I've worked before for years, but I just can't. I mean I can barely keep myself showered, or bother to eat, even though I'm a fat sunnovabitch because I rarely leave my house.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

So it's just... Things get tense. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

The answer seems to be that it'd be easiest if I weren't here, but aside from it being a scary idea, I know that'd be a lot of shit my family would have to go through.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

But I still think about it a lot, and it's upsetting.

Anonymous9837:

22:32

I just want to be left alone, honestly. I feel like most of my life I haven't had any chance to just "be". I want to exist but just barely, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:33

I've been working on it, it doesn't look like it, but I have been. I'm just not well, physically and psychologically. Today I started an herb garden, I'm raising them from seeds, hopefully they work.

Anonymous9837:

22:34

I try to take my dog out, I got a FitBit so I can be mindful of my movement. But as soon as I do these things, people think I'm shirking important things, but... I need to do anything I can now, because otherwise I just do nothing.

Alex:

22:34

You sound very invested in your recovery. It can be tough feeling like a burden on people, but it sounds like you have a family that you care about and that cares about you. So it sounds like at some point in the past you felt you were doing better, but you now feel yourself spiraling in a downward direction. You're not sure if it's the move to a less private living situation, or the medication or if you should try seeing a new professional and it sounds like all these factors are really overwhelming you

Anonymous9837:

22:35

I fantasize about running away a lot. But I have a dog who I feel like I need to be there for even though my family would take care of her, and I have a 20 year-old cat... And I don't want to ditch him.

Anonymous9837:

22:35

Yeah, that all sounds fair. I mean, it's a long history of dysfunction, I can't even tell you my family history and growing up.

Anonymous9837:

22:36

I guess the one good thing about therapy is I'm finally so tired of mourning my past because I just can't be bothered to talk about it anymore, which is saying something, because it's been the only thing I can discuss with any passion for a while.

Anonymous9837:

22:37

But now I'm just like, "here I am," and it's crappy. Like, that's done. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already to try and compartmentalize and digest it better. But I'm still messed up and now I'm an adult and nobody can fix it for me.

Anonymous9837:

22:38

Some days I feel okay. But I just... I'm tired all the time and I don't care about anything, the only thing that I actually feel emotionally responsive to is when I'm upsetting people.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I tried to move into my dad's a number of years ago after he told me there'd "always be a place" for me with him, and he knows things have been awful, and he's a lot to blame for it. But when I did, he suddenly didn't have room, which sucked. It kind of felt like I finally went to make a huge change in my life even though I was scared and ultimately was told, "nah." Like... Idk.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I just keep thinking I need to get out of here, and the only feasible way I can imagine that is to not exist anymore.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

But that's a whole mess to itself.

Anonymous9837:

22:40

It's a good thing I'm anxious about what happens after you die, though. A lot of the time that's the only thing that keeps me here-- I guess that's true for a lot of people, but still.

Alex:

22:41

There really is no easy fix, which can make things seem hopeless. Elise, have you been thinking about suicide?

Anonymous9837:

22:41

Oh sure, but that's nothing new. I think about it pretty constantly, but I'm not going to enact it.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

I walked in on my mom readying to kill herself when I was thirteen and decided I didn't want to do that to anybody.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

But it's still a thought, and it's one of those things where it's just... Super depressing to realize that's what you'd kind of like to do.

Alex:

22:43

But you haven't thought about how and when you want to kill yourself and you're able to stay safe while we continue to chat?

Anonymous9837:

22:44

Yeah, I'm okay. That's why I'm talking now, so I don't have more of these thoughts later. I took an Ativan recently and I'm getting pretty calmed down in addition to that. I'm not in any danger to myself now, but. It's preventative, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

I've never really thought /how/ I'd kill myself, they all seem pretty creepy. More of what would happen after, which I guess is less dangerous.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

(my ativan is prescription, btw, I don't use it often but I do have it officially for when I need it)

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just kind of needed someone to talk to so it didn't stay in my head and chest and get into Bad Territory.

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just hope I'll be Okay someday. I keep thinking I'm about to get to the final corner of this maze but it just keeps goddamn turning.

Alex:

22:47

Ok. Well Elise, what else do you think would help you right now? It sounds like having someone to talk to has helped with the stress a bit

Anonymous9837:

22:47

And it's tough, too, because you can't see all the progress you've made in these situations. But that's the depression talking.

Anonymous9837:

22:47

and yeah, it has, I'm getting pretty relaxed again already, so thank you for that.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I think I need to contact my therapist and discuss making our appointments more constructive, and contact my doctor to start finding a psychiatrist I like. My recent one retired.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

Which sucks, I really liked her.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I need to keep on my SSI application... And just keep working through my list of to-do's, since every one of those I complete makes me feel like I'm doing a little bit better.

Anonymous9837:

22:49

I guess for right now I should get something to eat or drink and do little things, maybe just fold my clothes while I watch a movie, and probably write in my journal.

Anonymous9837:

22:50

And maybe tonight I'll go for a drive for some privacy and have a good cry-- I've been needing to do that for a while now.

Alex:

22:51

It sounds like feeling like you are making steps toward your recovery is important to you. You have a very well built plan of next steps to take.

Anonymous9837:

22:52

Thanks, I guess it's a matter of me actually doing them, haha. My mom actually is out here trying to get me to talk to her and... I think I should, I don't mean to cut off from you so quickly, but I'm calmed down and I know there are people out there in actual danger.

Alex:

22:52

Would you like someone from the IMAlive Team to follow up with you? That follow-up would be via email, a few days after this chat.

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Mm... I think I'm okay, actually-- Or, would that be just a check-in, I guess?

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Sure, you can contact me at *********@gmail.com, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Gives me something to keep working on myself for so I can reply with positive news, haha.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Hopefully!

Alex:

22:54

A check-in. Ok Elise a member of IMAlive will follow up with you. In the meantime, be good to yourself smiley

Anonymous9837:

22:55

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you listening to me.

🙂

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