#been battling anhedonia and forcing myself to draw

[mahodraws]

gachatsume pouch gijinka (might make more and sell these designs)

[jennagrinsoverml]

Do you have any Adrien-centric angst fics? Like, fics that will completely gut you emotionally and you have to lay down for an hour after you read it just to decompress?something like that?

I've recced angst fics before, but let's have some SADRIEN hours around here, shall we?

a fight that you were born to lose by @captainkirkk

When the prosecution starts throwing around the word victim in reference to Adrien, he has to stuff his hands under his thighs to keep himself from bolting out of the courtroom.

Adrien had felt unsafe during those last few weeks, but, until he had woken up and seen Father silhouetted in his bedroom doorway, that had only been paranoia. Father was controlling and cold, but he wasn’t hateful. Adrien was isolated. He was often hungry. And some weeks ago, when he had snuck out to visit Nino, sitting thigh-to-thigh on his bed while Adrien cried in that silent, crumbling way of his, he hadn’t argued when Nino put a hand on his shoulder and said, tentatively, That’s abuse.

But Adrien remembers being small and Father touching his hair after he’d aced another test; Father holding his scribbled drawings like they were something precious, and framing them around his office; Father, dressed as Hawkmoth, his eyes wild behind the mask, lashing his sword against Adrien’s baton; Father, collapsed against Mum, crying into her ashy hair.

Adrien finds out Gabriel is Hawkmoth, and Gabriel gets to bring his long-waited plan into action.

One-shot. (But a LONG one-shot--it's 18k.) This one really digs deep into the abuse that Adrien suffers at Gabriel's hands and the emotional fallout from that. Gabriel is really, really, really terrible here. Worse, I don't think it's OOC at all. This fic is gorgeous, but it's a hard read and it goes to some dark places.

Anhedonia/When Adrien Met Marinette... by @mikauzoran

Chat Noir hadn’t been lying when he told Ladybug he’d moved on. It was only when he found out that Ladybug was Marinette that he realized he was wrong. Meanwhile, Marinette thinks that she’s missed her chance when Adrien insists that he’s gotten over his feelings. Now, they’re roommates and making themselves miserable as they pine for one another, thinking the situation’s hopeless. Things finally come to a head, and they’re forced to sit down and have an honest conversation about their feelings.

One-shot. Adrien's just so sad and lonely and pining here, and I'm here for it. I really found myself getting swept away in his feelings as I was reading. This isn't dark and doesn't get into any heavy issues like some of the other fics on this list, but I found that it was very relatable and evoked a lot of emotion.

Adrien and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by @vickyvicarious

Chat Noir's used to bad luck - it kind of comes with the territory. But detransforming in the middle of a crowd of reporters is a little worse luck than he’s used to having.

And he hasn’t heard a thing from Ladybug since.

(AKA the "everyone finds out all at once" angst fic no one asked for.)

One-shot. Oof, does this one ever hurt. Adrien's painfully in-character, and the way he's trying so very hard to stay positive even as his life is completely falling apart and everyone keeps hurting him...it's so him and it packs a punch.

The Importance of the Black Cat by @chatonne-rousse

Plagg gets down almost two full wedges of cheese before Adrien sits down on the edge of his bed with a heavy sigh.

“Hey, Plagg?” His voice is quiet but doesn’t betray any emotion yet. That’s actually more worrying.

Steeling himself, Plagg swallows the last big bite of cheese and zips from the desk to perch on top of the globe, facing his holder. “What’s up?”

He heaves another sigh before looking up into Plagg’s eyes, emotions still unreadable.

“How important is the black cat?”

*****

Adrien has a lot on his mind - concerns, questions, doubts. And right now, he has only one being to confide in. There is not enough cheese in the world to make Plagg want to handle this situation, but his holder needs him, and he knows two things with certainty: his very important place in the world, and that no one hurts his kitten. Not if he has anything to say about it.

One-shot. You want some season 4 flavour Adrien angst? How about some post-Optigami wallowing? I love the portrayal of Adrien and Plagg's relationship with the mix of light and heavy. Pretty sure I still owe Rosie a sequel to this one because I wanted to see more resolution afterwards and made the mistake of sharing my thoughts on that 🙈 It's just very thought-provoking!!

Working Past It by Taitai83

Chat is deeply hurt by Ladybug's actions, and he needs to process those feelings. He finds that confiding in a friend is helpful in finding clarity.

One-shot. Here, have some more season 4 angst! This one is shamefully overlooked. Go read it and help fix that!! Remember when Gang of Secrets came out and we all wondered how Chat would react when he found out Ladybug told someone her identity? This was an early stab at that, and I found the reactions and thought processes here to be so in character. Plus there's some nice marichat hurt/comfort, though purely platonic.

Timetagger 3 by rosebud1000

Years after Hawkmoth's defeat, Marinette and Adrien encounter Timetagger for the third time. And this battle hits closer to home than any other.

One-shot. Here we have some more of the fallout from Gabriel being a shitty parent, only we have an adult Adrien who is a father himself struggling to reconcile how his father acted with his own parental feelings. As a parent, I really felt this one.

Chat Noir's Family by fleurjaune

The thing is-

The thing is Adrien doesn’t actually mean to lie. Not at first anyway, but they have to keep their secret identities secret don’t they?

And his family, well, their tragedy is out there for the world to see and the world did see it.

One-shot. The more Chat lies about his life and his family, the more we learn about Adrien and see how he wishes his life was. And that chasm...really fucking hurts. I wish this sweet boy could have the kinds of relationships and family dynamics he lies about.

Partners by @karkalicious769

"Um." Alya fidgeted nervously as her earrings beeped their countdown. "Ask me a question that only Ladybug would know the answer to."

Chat Noir barred his teeth, and— Were they always that sharp? At least he wasn't growling again. "You are not Ladybug," he snapped.

"Just do it!"

It was all Alya had to go off of and she really needed to pull this partnership together before the akuma got any worse. She wasn't deluded enough to think that she could do this without Chat Noir.

One-shot. SPOILERS FOR HACK-SAN!!! And yet some more season 4 feels because let's be serious, this season is putting our kitty through the ringer. And this fic definitely does it, though by playing with the episode a little. Although we've got a tight Alya POV, Adrien's hurt and suffering is palpable, and made all the worse by how resigned he is. Read this and sufferrrrrr.

[andrearadya]

die trying

I’ve always been trapped by my own yeses. For many years I have been struggling to run away and make my own decisions, but most of time what I really wanted was always untouchable and I almost always came out injured in traumas I picked up without my own control.

I often had to be reborn again and over again with scars and bruises which were moderately relieved. I thought I was going to be okay, right then, now, and tomorrow. I knew I was just going to survive, come what may, but in the end of my second decade I was thrown in a war; having to fight with broken, stabbed, and torn mentality inside with revealed bitter truth surrounding me.

I remember the times when I almost had everything that I wanted in my hands; only the things I really wanted to undertake. They picked me up, the carriage was full of rubies and diamonds, and I knew my palace was going to be a huge successful peace. I was there, standing with my chances, thinking I was already doing the right things.

However, in a blink of an eye, pretenders took my life, my heart, my sanity. I was implicitly requested to take a part in a battle I didn’t recognize well. I didn’t know the field yet. I didn’t know how to survive- how to survive with all the choices I had made previously. The whole thing was outrageous; Had I run away with saying no, I would’ve been in a better, calmer place, inside my palace in my throne, but it’s said that their enemies would have chased me harder, created deeper holes of regrets in me, and emerged in my nightmares every night. I had a choice, truth be known, but the force was too dominating. I could’ve said no and goodbye for my own sake, but I’d have been seen as a traitor, apathy worshipper, or selfish wreckage.

I only looked back at my previous aims and destinations and at this moment I completely cannot forgive that version of me- the version of me when I finally turned my back on the things I planned on prioritizing. I left them, the people whom I was going to support fully with all of my sincerity, because I stupidly couldn’t think better. I messed it all up, for months I was destroyed mentally, frustrated, surrounded by uncertainties, bitter plans, killed chances, insisted to show another version of me which wasn’t even there. And I left my palace; the throne I used to have, the plans I wanted to make huge, the dreams I thought was going to be my priorities. I left them. For an insisted exhaustion. For something I was never meant to be or do, something I didn’t wanna be for my sake. Maybe the worst case not only stopped there, but the fact that I actually didn’t feel embraced enough and how the whole troops were also on the edge.

The whole thing, to be honest, took almost everything that I could and would be. Yes, maybe I gained some other accomplishments that I could be proud of as well, but was it the best year for my mental health? Was it all worth my fatigue? Was it easy to run? Maybe you tell me. Perhaps this time I really related to Ariana Grande’s speech when she said that a year had been really good for her career, but it was the worst for her life. Maybe it’s what I was feeling all year long.

Still trying to accomplish my other main dreams, I risked my health- spiritually, mentally, and physically. I’m just going to state those here, because it’s no good to keep it all locked explosively inside of me. I started having depression since April-May 2019, every single day I was out of energy, I experienced chronic extreme fatigue, hypersomnia, suicidal thoughts, recurrent self injuries, and I lost my interest to the things I used to really, really love the most- playing piano, drawing, painting- All I did was thinking that they’re going to be useless and anyway I would not get any way outs by doing those- I was trapped, unable to set myself free, even to reach my help and relievers. My ambitions were shut down, I still kept on fighting for several achievements, but do you know? Most of time I was under pressure. My mind was always branched. I couldn’t focus that much. I couldn’t have enough rest. I slept in classes, my friends saw it and got startled I did. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know where to go- with all the business and accomplishments that I had- I wasn’t happy. I was tired. Drained. Burned out. No way out, it was impossible.

My mental state was still progressing until November 2019- when I pushed everyone away, even my closest best friends, from me. I isolated myself, ran away from the crowds, and chose to stay alone anytime and anywhere. I didn’t wanna interact. I didn’t feel like I needed some company. I left some people without goodbyes. Everything around me really trapped me. Ripped me apart into pieces I didn’t recognize anymore. I wasn’t sad- I was all empty, hollow, numb, and useless. Hideously, I also experienced revealed hurtful truths, got more stabs to my heart and soul, and got left by the people who thought that their own business were more important than the war we should struggle for. I felt all alone, every social interactions felt phony and unreal, and all I wanted was just to see everything finished. Or if needed, I thought, maybe I’d just go and die to make things better. I wanted to terminate everything so bad, I didn’t care if it’s going to change everything. I just wanted to take a rest and long sleep for the very last time- to terminate everything.

Burdened harshly by stress, I finally tried to be a bit rude toward the reality. I tried to fight back with every chance left in me, I tried to cherish my dignity, the fact that I was much, much stronger than feeling like an insisted slave. My last minutes holding the disastrous throne were still spent in unrealistically harsh slavery and force, but I finally made it out alive. I came out alive- left with depression, anhedonia, avolition, post-trauma stress disorder, nightmares, regrets, remained mistakes, and my heart pieces. I breathed as an injured wreckage trying not to drown in an ocean. I was still alive- but it’s just it. I still pushed some people away from my life, I became a stranger to every single pupil gradually. I was more like finally drowned, instead of being found floating on the surface.

Took months for me, even to this moment, to heal myself, my thoughts, and faith. However, it may take years, maybe forever to forgive all the regrets, the fact that I turned my back on the things I said I would survive with, and the sources of the pain. Once I promised I would give my all to the things I prioritized; turned out it never happened. People got disappointed, people got rejected, people got neglected, because I thought I would fight with them. They thought I had love that much for them- Turned out I walked away, fighting for an unworthy war. It’ll take many years for me to forgive and to say sorry. It will take so many chances. Years. Decades. And maybe they’re unforgettable.

At this moment, maybe I’d like to ask myself how I am actually feeling right now. However, maybe it’s not that prominent anymore. Maybe it’s time for all of us or the ones who’ve gone through the same story to dodge saying yes too much,  to keep prioritizing what’s best for us, to ignore unimportant and unhealthy opportunities, and to save ourselves. Save yourself, sometimes saying a big NO is worth the losing chance more than gaining regrets and injured mental in the end.