#been feeling really crummy lately so instead of the usual angst wanted to try out smthn a bit more 'wholesome?' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sassy-losechester · 6 years

Text

Lost in the Moment

Characters: Bucky x Reader

Words: 5k

Summary: You have been hiding a secret from Bucky. When you want to tell him what you’ve been keeping a secret, he is gone.

Warnings: Angst, fluff, abandonment

A/N: I’m not over Infinity War, I do not accept what happened. This has been months in the making and I want to thank the wonderful, fantastic @thinkwritexpress-official for being a beta and listening to my ramblings.

Masterlist

Your heart was aching to tell him but your mind was screaming no. It’d been a very long two weeks knowing you were carrying his child and you had not said a peep. Slipping into your black scrubs, you continued to get ready for work.

“Where is it?” You spoke aloud, rechecking your neck and pockets, you couldn’t find it. Lifting the pillow for a second time, you had hoped that it would magically appear. You had already woken up Bucky, it though is was a common occurence, the man was a light sleeper. He was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee.

Bucky walked towards you, two cups in his hand, “What did you lose?” He handed you a cup, which you eagerly took.

Taking a sip of the hot beverage, “My stethoscope and name badge. Thought I fell asleep with them on but they’re not in the bed.”

You watched as Bucky took a drink of his coffee before walking away. He had set his coffee down and returned with your backpack, stethoscope, and name badge, “You left them right by the door,” he spoke while clipping your badge to your top and putting your stethoscope around your neck.

“You’re the best,” you leaned into him, kissing him. Pulling away from him you couldn’t help but think how perfect of a moment it would be to tell him. Biting the inside of your cheek, you started talking yourself up. He needed to know, this was his child, he would be excited. At least you hoped that he would be excited.

“Better get going to work,” he spoke, looking down at you, he smiled , “I’m going to the market today. Want anything?”

For a moment you were grateful that he’d stopped you from spilling the beans. He needed to know though. You’d gotten lucky by not having any morning sickness because he would’ve caught on quickly, “Plums?” Bucky nodded his head, “Also, be safe out there. I know you always are but I can’t help but worry every time you go out in public.”

“Doll, I’ll be fine. Been doing this for a while now, they don’t know where I’m at.” Leaning back into him you held onto him, squeezing him a little bit, “Know you don’t like being late to work, better go before you miss the bus.”

Letting go of him you grabbed your jacket and music player. Slipping your bag over your shoulders, you called out his name, “Bucky. When I get home tonight. I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Stopping in his tracks he looked at you, “Good or bad?”

“It’ll be a good one, not like the Cozonac incident,” you replied fiddling with your earbuds.

That caused him to laugh, “Okay, no flour on the ceiling then.”

“No not this time, love you Bucky,” you blew a kiss at him before leaving.

---

Six hours into your shift and you were counting down the hours until you could go home. The emergency department had been relatively quiet until an hour ago. There were multiple soldiers coming in for differing injuries.

“What the hell happened out there?” Your coworker Maria questioned as she grabbed another chart to fill out.

You were at the nurse’s station quickly typing up one of your reports to send to the doctor. From what you could tell one of your patients was going to need a CT, “No idea. There wasn’t anything on the radio, but I haven’t been listening to it. Trying to get an order for pain medicine for one of patients and getting another to get a CT. Know where the doctor is?”

Maria must have gotten pulled somewhere because when you looked up from the computer she was nowhere to be seen. Shrugging your shoulders, you went back to work.

After another hour you had finished discharging one of your patients when you saw Maria again. She had the look in her eyes that meant only one thing, she had some good gossip to tell you. Closing your chart you hadn’t said a word before she started talking quickly, “So I overheard one of those soldiers talking to their boss. You remember how that one American group, SHIELD, was destroyed? Well, the guy that was working for the bad guys was living in those crummy apartments and the Joint Terrorism Task Force found that he was living here and went after him.”

You felt sick, trying to keep a straight face you listened to Maria as she continued to speak, “Guess the guy beat the crap out of all these soldiers. Apparently Captain America was there trying to help this guy. From what I overheard his name is Winner Soldier.”

“Winter Soldier?” your words were uneasy. Hundreds of thoughts were flying through your brain. Was he okay? Did Bucky get hurt? Did they know about you? The two of you kept your relationship quiet, not many people at the hospital knew you were dating someone. Maria certainly didn’t know, she was a gossip queen.

Maria snapped her fingers, “That’s it! They got the guy in custody now.”

“I’m gunna be sick,” holding your stomach you sprinted towards the nearest trash can. Maria had followed you and held your hair back while you emptied your stomach contents.

She gently rubbed your back giving you some reassuring words before stating, “You can’t be here if you’re going to be throwing up. I’ll call Elena to come and see if she’ll replace you for the rest of your shift.”

Taking the tissue she was holding out for you, you wiped the corner of your mouth, “Thanks.” You knew why you were like this, Bucky was captured. What happened? How did they find him? You had just had this conversation this morning! He said that he was safe, careful. Did someone spot him while he was at the market? Or did Hydra know where he was and tried to capture him?There were so many uncertainties that you were afraid of what was going to happen. You knew what you needed to do though.

“Just sit down while I call Elena, write down anything special that needs to be done with your patients,” Maria instructed before moving away to make a phone call. Your mind was not in the right mindset anymore to be focusing on patients, you needed to make yourself think about them though. They came first. It was something that was drilled into your head. Trying to muster up everything you could remember about them, you quickly wrote down on a piece of scratch paper what needed to be done.

Not even ten minutes went by and Elena was standing by you getting a messy report from you, “Feel better,” she said as you grabbed your bag from underneath the counter.

The entire way home your adrenaline was pumping, you were scared that someone was going to tackle you to the ground demanding to know everything you knew about Bucky. It never came though. No one had tackled you, and no one questioned you when you got to the apartment building.

It was complete chaos; the police had taped off the building not letting anyone in or out. All the residents whom lived there had been temporarily evacuated and everyone was being questioned. Seeing the police and people dressed in fed suits stopped you in your tracks.

“Shit,” you whispered. Even though you had your own place, nine times out of ten you were staying in Bucky’s run-down apartment. Attempting to be inconspicuous you looked at the surrounding area, trying to see if anyone noticed you standing there like a fish out of water. Turning around you started to make the ten blocks walk back towards your apartment.

It wasn’t until you were safe within the four walls of your apartment that your adrenaline calmed down and everything hit you. Bucky had been taken by the Joint Terrorism Task Force. There was a large chance you would never see him again. You could remember the memory clear as day when he told you about who he was and what could happen to him.

“Doll, there’s something I have to tell you,” Bucky sat on your couch looking at you with an intense stare. The two of you hadn’t been seeing each other very long, maybe six months. It felt like you had known him for years though. The two of you just clicked after your first meeting. He was extremely shy but there was something about him that made you want to know more about him.

You set down your cup of coffee and turned to look at him, “Okay? You're kinda scaring me, Buck, don’t usually have that look unless we’re in the bedroom,” you tried to lighten the already tense conversation. When he didn’t crack a smile, you knew it was going to be a serious conversation.

“There’s things you don’t know about me. You know some of it,” he lifted his metal arm, “But not all of it. I really really like you Y/N, and I don’t want to scare you away, but you need to know this.”

You could remember everything he told you; his birthday, him being an assassin for multiple organizations, what would happen if he was ever caught, and what he wanted you to do if he was caught. Bucky wanted you to not look for him, he didn’t want you to get caught up in the entire mess. He had someone that would help him out.

At first you were in denial about everything, but instead of running you leaned into him and gave him a hug and didn’t let go. You told him that you loved him and always would. Although the two of you only knew each other for six months then, it felt like he was your other half.

Walking over to the couch, you grabbed a pillow and let your emotions run wild.

For an entire week you barely left your couch and watched the television waiting for any news of Bucky or his friend Steve to appear. The last thing you watched was there was a battle or something at an airport in Germany involving the two. Other than that, there was brief mentions about Steve Rogers being a wanted man and broke out several people from The Raft.

Your job had called you yesterday asking if you were feeling better after you had called in three days straight. Part of you knew that he wasn’t going to come back, but you tried holding on in hopes that he would turn up at your doorstep. If he said he couldn’t stay because it wasn't safe, you would leave everything behind and follow him.

On top of everything else that was going on, you were guilting yourself for not telling him about the pregnancy. You were twelve weeks, he should know by now. If you hadn’t been such a chicken, he would know already.

Today you were returning to work, if Bucky had a way of getting a message to you maybe he would send you one. You hoped that he would at least.

The emergency department was busier than it usually was, and you were thankful for that. You barely had time to register that you had to pee, which meant you didn’t have time to think about him. If you were lucky, maybe he would be waiting for you at home when you got done in the morning. It was wishful thinking that showed how naïve you could be.

As the night went the on and several patients later you realized that your shift would soon be coming to an end. You had barely spoken a word to your coworkers, despite their attempts to speak to you. Several times you claimed you were too busy to stand around and chat. It was like you were destined to forever work with people who loved to talk; they were excellent nurses, they just loved chatting.

“It looks like you are feeling better than you were last week,” Maria sat down in the chair next to you as you finished charting on your last patient.

Nodding your head, you muttered, “Yeah just loads better.”

By the time morning had come, you were more than ready to clock out and pass out in your bed. There were several things that you needed to do, but your bed was calling your name and you were just too tired to think about anything.

“I really need to invest in a car,” you told yourself as you climbed the stairs to your apartment. In just a few short months you knew that it would be a bitch to walk to work every day and then climb those stairs. Your feet were already starting to get swollen, you didn’t want to know what they would be like in a few months.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” you stopped in your tracks, seeing a tall blond man standing outside your door.

Your eyes were wide, fear quickly creeping its way into your body. They had finally found you, discovered who you were. Fight or flight was starting to kick in and your body was getting ready to flee. You didn’t know if it was only just the man or if there were more of them hiding.

“My name’s Steve Rogers, Bucky’s friend,”You started relaxing at hearing who he was and remembering that his face was plastered all over the news.

Bucky wasn’t here, “Is he dead?” the thought making you want to start crying.

“No, I can’t tell you much here. I can tell you on the way though,” he opened the front door, revealing another man and two women in your home.

“Most of your clothes are packed and in the quinjet, except for your underclothing,” the red head stepped forward as she spoke, “We’re on a tight schedule, and need to get going before Ross finds out we’re here.”

“How do I know you are who you say you are?” You questioned Steve, “And how did you get into my apartment?”

You heard the red head sigh with impatience. Steve ignored her while he looked at you, “June 22nd, 2014, Bucky said it was a date that only the two of you would know.”

“Fine,” You knew what that date was, it was a date you would hold special in your heart, “Just give me a few minutes to grab some things.”

----

The news that he was frozen had shattered your heart. Bucky would sometimes go on late night tangents about his seventy years as Hydra’s prisoner. You’d only gotten the tip of the iceberg with parts of his past, “Why?” you demanded turning around to Steve, “Why would he do this?”

“Helmut Zemo. He found Buck’s words to turn him into the Winter Soldier,” you turned away from Steve, looking at Bucky’s frozen body. You could feel yourself being overcome with emotions, “Bucky did some things he wasn’t proud of. T’Challa offered him a place here, to try to fix his brain.”

Seeing him in the cryochamber broke you, “He looks like he’s sleeping,” you quietly said. You wanted to wake him up. Wake him up and tell him you loved him. Tell him that you were pregnant. It dawned on you that you wouldn’t be able to tell him, “I never got to tell him,” you said quietly, “Oh my god,” you choked back a sob covering your mouth.

Steve was beside you, his hand on your shoulder, “Tell him what, Y/N?”

“I never told him that I’m pregnant. I wanted to a week ago. Why can’t we just go back in time? We were happy and content. He’ll never get to know now,” you said everything in one breath. Turning around you held onto Steve, “I never got to tell him,” you cried out, letting your sobs shake your entire body.

“Hey Buck,” She glanced up at the camera before quickly looking back at her lap, “Your friend Steve came and got me, brought me here. He told me everything that had happened, probably more than I should know.”

He watched as she bit the inside of her cheek. Y/N was still in her hospital scrubs, her stethoscope was still around her neck even.

“They told me that I should tell you my feelings, tell you how angry I am, how upset,” she didn’t look up at the camera but he see from her shaking her head she was upset, possibly even crying. Y/N let out a shaky breath, “I was waiting for you to come back to the apartment. I saw on the news about what happened, I knew it wasn’t you. Why did you run away Bucky? You’re innocent, running made you look guilty.”

Bucky froze in his seat. He had thought about how running had made him look guilty. Instinct had kicked in and he fled. Thinking about it now he found it to be a silver lining; if it hadn’t been for Zemo, he never would have met T’Challa.

Luckily he was pulled from his thoughts when Y/N started speaking again, “I think I’m more mad at the timing. I had found you almost two years ago and you’ve changed my life. I don’t care about your past or the fact that I’m basically dating a guy my grandpa’s age, all I care about is you.”

Y/N looked up at the camera, tears threatening to spill over. She wiped away the tears that were about to fall, “I wanted to tell you this in person, but that’s not going to happen,” She took her stethoscope off of her neck and set it aside, “I didn’t have much time to pack. Steve was already at the apartment when I got home from work, he had my stuff packed and all but demanded I come here. Barely had time to grab this.”

Bucky watched as she reached into her scrub jacket and pulled out a hat. His mouth dropped open when he read what was on it, ‘îmi iubesc tatăl’ I love my dad, “Oh, Doll,” he barely whispered, he was in shock, he was going to be a father, maybe he already was one.

“I’ve been going back and forth for weeks now trying to decide how to tell you. When I finally got the guts to say something the police tried to take you from me.”

He couldn’t find any words, he was in shock. There was an uncertain feeling brewing in his gut, maybe it was worry?

“If my friend at the hospital is right she said I was about ten weeks which means I’m about thirteen weeks right now.” She set down the hat in her lap.

Bucky could see her looking down at it, messing with it in her hands. It was a nervous tick of hers, he had learned through the past two years that when something was on her mind she distracted herself by messing with her hands.

“I’ll try to do more of these video things, keep you updated and such. I don’t want you to miss out on anything. Love you Bucky.”

Her eyes looked up at the camera, they were still red. He watched as she reached forward and turned the camera off.

Sitting in silence Bucky attempted to wrap his brain around the information that had just occurred. He was going to be a dad. That was something he had given up being since the forties. Before the war he had wanted to settle down and have a few kids, but after everything that happened in the past seventy years he’d given up on the idea.

Before he could get lost in his mind she appeared back on the screen.

“Bucky, I love you so much. You’re going to be a great dad,” Y/N gave a soft smile to the camera, “I just hope that they are able to fix your brain before our girl comes.”

She covered her mouth in shock, eyes opened wide, “I forgot to tell you that. We’re having a girl,” she looked down at her growing belly, rubbing it gently, “I don’t know what to name her. That’s why I need you here Buck. You’re my rock.”

The video cut out, leaving Bucky speechless for a moment before there was movement on the screen once more.

This time you had gotten bigger, it looked as if you were ready to give birth at a moment’s notice. Bucky frowned seeing you, if he’d been there he would have told you how beautiful you looked, radiant, but through the video he saw a woman who was exhausted, had bags under her eyes, and didn’t look like she was adjusting to her pregnancy well.

“Hey there handsome. I’ve been doing some recordings but I discovered I had accidentally deleted them after I record them.” She shook her head, laughing at herself, “Shouldn’t really be a surprise. I’m a nurse and know so much about people yet I can’t figure out how to save a video.”

“I’m in the same boat as you, doll,” Bucky replied to the screen, resting his chin in his hand.

“Your daughter is so much like you and I haven’t even met her yet. She is up all night just kicking me away. I think she aims to bruise all of my ribs before she comes out. I decided on her name Rebecca Winnie Barnes. I remember you telling me in Bucharest that you had always wanted to name a daughter after the two most important women in your life,” Her eyes welled up with tears, her voice cracking, “It’s the one thing I could do for you.”

Bucky watched the screen suddenly go dark once more. He waited hoping those wouldn’t be the only videos he would be getting to see. He hadn’t asked T’Challa or Shuri how long he had been frozen. He didn’t even know if Y/N was still in Wakanda. You appeared on the screen again pulling him from his thoughts.

“Hey there,” your voice was a whisper, “there’s someone I want you to meet.” You disappeared from the frame but came back shortly with an infant in your arms. “Meet Winnie, she is officially one day old. I wanted to record yesterday but she kind of came as a surprise and I kind of fell asleep afterwards. Forgive me?”

“Course I forgive you, Y/N, you just gave birth.” Bucky replied, looking in amazement at the baby in your arms.

“Winnie is a little bit of a chunker here, she weighs nine pounds. If I remember right, you once said that you were a chunky baby. She got that from you,” Y/N looked down at their child, “She looks so much like you. I don’t see any part of me, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The infant started to cry in your arms and you started to shush them, “Hey now little one. We’re taping for daddy.”

Bucky watched as you kissed the infant’s head and whispered to her. Her cries slowly diminished and became content as you rocked her in your arms. He looked at his daughter in amazement, she did look just like he did. If he still had pictures from his childhood he could swear that Winnie was a splitting image of him.

“Shuri might try to show you a video after you get done watching this. Don’t watch it, she thought it would be a good idea for you to see me giving birth. It was messy, I swore a lot, you just don’t want to see it,” Y/N smiled at the camera, “You can thank me when you see me, or you can go ahead and watch it and be scarred for life.” She smirked at the camera.

He knew that smirk, it was not a good one. It was as if Y/N was daring him to watch it, he knew better than that. He wasn’t going to, no matter what the Wakandan princess said. Pausing the video he looked for any sign of a time stamp. He was under strict orders to watch the videos first and Shuri told him that she would come and get him after it was finished.

How old was his daughter? Was she talking or walking and giving Y/N hell? Bucky hadn’t thought about asking how long it’d taken them to undo Hydra’s work. For all he knew it could have been a decade and he wouldn’t know the difference.

Would she even want to see him? He didn’t know much about children but what little he did know was that having a kid changed a person. An unsettling feeling filled his body, Bucky loved Y/N and he would take down armies if it meant getting to see her again. If she had left though, in fear that he wouldn’t have been able to get fixed, he couldn’t hold that against her.

Getting up from his spot, he didn’t look to see if Y/N had recorded another video. He was tired of waiting, he wanted to see his love again. Bucky wanted to meet his daughter, he just hoped that his daughter would accept him for who he was.

“Ah! You finished the video, I have one more for you to watch,” Shuri rushed towards him holding up a tablet for him.

“Y/N told me you’d try to get me to watch.”

Shuri dropped the tablet, “Dammit.”

“Where is she?”

“Your home. Come with me.”

-----------

You were a mess; you had been told two days ago that he was fixed. Any remnants of Hyrdra had been swiped away from his mind. There was no longer a chance that if was taken by them that he would be turned into the Winter Soldier again.

It had been a few weeks since you had recorded your last video to Bucky. You had been overwhelmed bringing a child into the world as a single parent. Your anxiety made it worse. You would wake up almost every hour, even if Winnie hadn’t been crying, in fear of someone coming to steal your child away from you.

You thought you knew what sleep deprivation was, you had been in nursing school after all, but this was a whole new level. You were surviving on bare minimum of sleep and constantly being on high alert while taking care of a newborn, no matter how many times T’Challa and Shuri had told you that Winnie would be safe, that no one would be able to find her in Wakanda and try to bring harm to your child.

You feared what the intelligence community would think when they found out that Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier, had fathered a child. From the information Bucky and later Steve had told you about the serum that was injected into them, it made Winnie a prime target.

The sounds of Winnie waking up broke you from your worrying train of thought. Moving across your home you found her wide awake, looking like she was on the verge of crying, “Hey there sweetheart,” your voice calm and soothing. Picking her up you cradled her in your arms, “There’s no need for tears my little sweet one.”

Her whimpers quieted while you rocked her gently. Moving quickly across the room, you grabbed her hat before moving outside.

Even though you were constantly worried about someone finding out that you lived in Wakanda, it was a fairly nice place to live. T’Challa had set up a place for you to live on the outskirts of the city. Not very far away, but you weren’t extremely close.

“I can’t wait for you to start moving little one,” you kissed your daughter’s cheek, as an unsettling feeling began to grow in your belly, “Probably shouldn’t wish that. Cherish each moment and all that.” You spoke aloud to Winnie. She wouldn’t be able to reply, but you knew she was listening to you.

She smiled at you as you spoke, “You look just like your father, you know.” You smiled down at Winnie. She had Bucky’s smile, it was identical to his.

Sitting on the porch swing you gently swung as you held onto Winnie. Breaking the gaze from your daughter you watched as a few people walked towards you. Two people you knew were coming were T’Challa and Shuri, it had been a while since you’d seen the two of them.

You hoped that they were coming with good news. That maybe you could finally go and see Bucky.

The closer they got, the more in disbelief you felt. Standing up from the swing you started walking towards the small group. “Bucky?” You whispered, when you saw him start to jog towards you, “It’s really you.” Before you could register what was happening you were engulfed into his hold. Careful to not get Winnie crushed in your embrace, you held on tight to his waist, “I’m so sorry Y/N, for everything.”

Holding onto him, you tightly squeezed him with one arm. Bucky looked down at you, seeing the child that was in your grasp, “Y/N? Is that, is she, he...you were pregnant?”

“Yes,” you replied without hesitation. You didn’t want to lie to Bucky, you had lied to him all those months ago when he asked you if you were okay, “I was going to tell you after my shift at the hospital, but then everything happened, and when I saw you next you weren’t really able to talk back.”

A frown shown on his face, “You saw me in Cryofreeze?”

“I missed you,” you replied softly. Taking a step back you let Bucky get a good look at Winnie, “I want you to meet Winnie.” You held her out wanting Bucky to take her. He held out his arm, gently taking her.

“She’s beautiful.”

“She looks and acts just like you, Buck,” you replied as you watched Winnie sleep. It still blew your mind that you had a child. A child was something that you never thought would be possible for you, yet here you were having a daughter that was being held by the man who stole your heart.

Breaking your gaze at your daughter you looked up at Bucky, his forehead was wrinkled, and a frown was on his face, “How am I going to raise a daughter with who I was? She could be in danger if some people were to find out.”

He was speaking your fears that you have had for the past few months. You didn’t truly know what to say to him. There was a chance that people would go to extreme lengths when they found out that Bucky had conceived a child. Trying to think of some supporting words, you bit the inside of your cheek before you spoke, “We’ll get through this together. T’Challa says Wakanda is safe for us to stay. We can stay here and call this place home.”

“You’d be willing to uproot your life for me?”

“I think I have already done that, silly. Anyways it’s pretty here. No harsh winters either,” Leaning into him you wrapped your arm around his waist, “I’ll go wherever you go. You’re my home Buck.”

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