#before i accepted i had bpd i literally didnt let my self ljke. think thoughts like
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4am. i cant sleep. stuck in my damn head with my own thoughts.. this calls for drastic measures (crying myself to sleep)
#not that i can ever cry if i want to. but ideally nownwould be the time#i just. god i just cant stop thinking about ***** and now im imagining scenarios and im just. god its just too much#its so hard like. caring ahout someone so much and not havinf an outlet.#i feel so helpless all the time because im just. literally at the mercy of my love.#one second im splitting the next im having anxiety attack. or maybe i uave a breakdown.#which all lead to me fucking lashing out. and making things worse. and i just. i dont know what to do#i have zero coping mechanisms for this. and i keep being weird about it. i just. god i feel so. helpless#before i accepted i had bpd i literally didnt let my self ljke. think thoughts like#i was obsessed and in love with this guy in high school and i just wouldnt let myself think about him. at all#because if i started thinking about him it would be too much.#he had a girlfriend at the time and i dont think ive ever hated someone so blindly. like she was a bitch and i know that now#but i hoped and prayed for them to break up. this guy wouldnt have dated me but i was So Jealous#hhhhhhhhh#lets hope i have the coursge to bring up bpd with my psychiatrist. on the 10th? whenever my appointment is#i cannot keep living like this.#jace.txt
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