praeparet bellum
Something cold uncoils in his chest, something sharp and thirsty. It filters through him like winter sunlight on his skin, bringing forth goosebumps. Like a man drowning, he is helpless to resist when malice, ruthless and potent and pure, begs for him to let it fill his lungs.
He takes a deep, deep breath.
“I can do this,” he says to the near-empty streets of New Vegas, ignoring Rex’s quizzical whine, and strides towards the the Tops’ multicolored doors.
--
HI YES
Chapter 2 of my Courier/Arcade fic is up!! ahhh this update brings me to just shy of 32k words and i am. delighted. the next update will be constantine and arcade’s hot date at the ultra luxe. surely nothing could go wrong there.
chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4
Then what is the answer?- Not to be deluded by dreams.
To know that great civilizations have broken down into violence,
and their tyrants come, many times before.
When open violence appears, to avoid it with honor or choose
the least ugly faction; these evils are essential.
Amenities. Constantine knows the word, though never bothered to pay it any mind back before he sauntered his way into the Strip. At best it has just been something fancy to add to a conversation, typically to take whomever he was chatting with off guard. There had been no point to equate it to something tangible, let alone attainable.
But now—carpet. He still isn’t used to it, this plush, high-pile rarity beneath his feet when he finally drags himself from the comfort of his bed. And the bed! Multiple blankets, and a sheet over the mattress to boot. Plus the four pillows. Four. He’d thought that staying in Goodsprings upon waking up was basically living in luxury, but this? Well, it might as well be heaven.
How could it not be, when he steps out of his room and hears the radio playing gently from the kitchen, accompanied by the sound of an already-bubbling pot of coffee? Probably Boone, or maybe Raul, getting a head start to the day. He smiles to himself, marveling in the exorbitance of it all. He makes his way to the bathroom, which, against all practicality, is also carpeted. Hopefully he’s never going to be drunk enough to miss the toilet. There’s no real way to tell if the stains decorating the porcelain base are signs of some literal piss-poor aim, courtesy of some pre-war partiers, but Tan decides upon scavenging a couple of extra boxes of Abraxo for posterity’s sake.
He uses the bathroom (with working plumbing!) and washes his hands and face (with running water!) before brushing his teeth. It’s already been one whole week of this; one entire, peaceful week of not worrying about where to sleep or what to eat or if he stinks or if it’s safe enough to shit without having a gecko pounce on him. At this rate, he’s well on his way to embracing this newfound hedonism.
Refreshed, he makes his way towards the kitchen and the irresistible smell of coffee. Though the others all have their own rooms throughout the hall, some choose to stay in the guest beds of the suite. The door to the main domicile is always unlocked, since it just makes more sense to store all of their supplies together, and to keep access to said storage available at all hours. Tan’s given everyone some unofficial leave—if that word even applies to their situation—hoping it would encourage the gang to see the sights of the Strip, relax, refresh, and otherwise take comfort in some momentary stagnation. So far, people have been happy to come and go as they please: Cass and Veronica have gone shopping and dancing almost every night, and even Raul and Boone were persuaded to join him for drinks a day ago. Lily keeps to the casino, satisfied to stay in with Rex and Ed-E. And Arcade…
Tan’s heart does a happy little skip. Arcade. Even thinking his name makes him stupidly giddy. He doesn’t have specifics to compare it to, this childish feeling of infatuation, but every little shiver of it reminds him that this isn’t the first time he’s felt this, and just that knowledge alone makes him feel grateful, feel human. Sometimes, looking over his bumbling assortment of friends—of family—it dawns on him that without them, he’d probably forget about that humanness entirely. They keep him rooted, keep him safe. The fact that they leave the 38 but still choose to come back to him fills him with a sense of…something. He doesn’t quite have the words for it yet, the bright and tingling thing that roosts in his heart when he sees them walk back through the doors of the suite, but it makes him grin wider than he thought he could. And just when he thinks he’s all full up on glee and purpose, there’s Arcade.
He’s already smiling just thinking about the man, so when he walks into the kitchen and sees Arcade actually standing there next to the stove, holding a steaming mug of coffee in both hands with his hair still mussed with sleep, all that joy boils over and he can’t help but laugh.
“Hey, handsome. Good morning!” he says, and means it. It’s good. This is good. He doesn’t have many immutable constants in his memory, so this feeling of free and open affection anchors itself easily into the empty spaces of his mind. He likes to think of his situation as similar to the night sky: a whole lot of dark nothing, peppered with uncountable bright and shining moments.
Arcade mumbles something resembling a hello and nods by way of greeting, still looking for all the world as if he’d rather be asleep, but Tan doesn’t miss how the edges of his lips quirk upwards ever so slightly.
“That for me?” Tan jokes, sidling up close enough to pry the coffee out from Arcade’s tired hands. “You shouldn’t have.”
“I didn’t,” Arcade protests, frowning, though he makes no effort to keep Tan away. Tan takes a sip before making a face and putting the coffee down on the nearby counter.
“Not bad, though…” he grins wickedly, taking advantage of Arcade’s empty arms to invade his space and plant a kiss on his cheek. “I prefer my coffee with a bit of sugar.”
Arcade groans. “It’s too early for you to be this insufferable.”
“Oh, you suffer me well enough.”
“At the cost of my coffee, apparently.” He doesn’t let Tan pull away, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to keep him at his side. “But you’re here already, so I might as well put up with you for a bit longer.”
Tan retrieves the coffee and takes another sip before passing it back to Arcade. “For your trouble,” he says, then reaches up to play with Arcade’s messy hair. “Why are you up this early, anyway? Would have expected you to sleep past seven.”
“I would’ve preferred that, too. No, I’m…” he sighs. “Julie asked for help at the Fort. Probably something clerical, given that my system of organization isn’t exactly the most intuitive. Or maybe there’s just been an influx of junkies needing a place to come down. To be honest, I didn’t ask.”
Tan hums in understanding. “Of course. Want an escort?”
“I’m more than capable—”
Constantine tugs on his hair to shut him up. “I didn’t say you weren’t. I asked if you wanted me to walk with you there.”
Honesty—that is to say, true and barren honesty, seems more difficult around Arcade than anyone else. Tan wishes he could have said “I want to come with you,” or, “Let me just be around you until I can’t be anymore.” There’s nothing really stopping him from saying it, either, nothing besides this tiny pinprick of distrust that nests beneath his heart, drives itself up into his throat whenever he wants to bear himself open. He wants to, or rather, he wants to want to. Lately he’s found himself mired in more wanting than he has since as far as he remembers, and for all the pleasant sensations that desire can bring, it’s almost always as jarring as it is intriguing.
He can’t say why he keeps himself just far apart enough from everyone he cares for. There’s flashes of memories, of course—like watching someone else through the wrong side of a door’s peephole. Voices muffled. Images blurred, distant. Overlaid upon each other wrong. “I knew you’d leave,” a voice rings out. “Just like they did.” He doesn’t know if it’s the right face saying it, but the one clear image he has is of himself, younger, bag over his shoulder, staring at the younger woman with what looks like disdain. His heart hurts with the memory. Why hadn’t she gone with him? Or, he supposed, why didn’t he care enough to stay?
“Tan?”
“Hm?” He snaps back to reality. “What’d I miss?”
“I asked what you were up to today.”
Tan smiles, a little rueful. “Taking Rex back to the King. He hasn’t been doing so hot lately—figure I oughta talk to his real dad to see what might be going on.”
Arcade nods. “I’ve noticed that, too. I’m not a veterinarian so I can’t exactly make a diagnosis, but hopefully it’s nothing too severe to treat.”
It’s cute, Tan thinks, how Arcade downplays his concern by involving his expertise or lack thereof. There’s always something to give him distance, to give him maneuverability instead of outright admitting he cares about someone or something or the outcome of some situation. It’s defensive, but done with compassion, like most everything else Arcade does.
With a simple nod of agreement, Tan disentangles himself from his partner and sets about making them both a passable breakfast. Predictably, Arcade tries to insist he isn’t that hungry and that Tan shouldn’t bother, but he’s quick to stop grousing once a fresh plate of potato hash with fried corn and brahmin steak is set in front of him. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate the cooking, he had explained one night over a late dinner. It’s just that it’s very good cooking, actually, and he feels a bit useless standing there the whole time it’s being prepared. When more prepwork is required, the doctor is easy enough to put to use, but in the case of more impromptu meals, Tan’s curiously practiced ease in the kitchen is most effective when leaving him to lord over the kingdom of the kitchen.
So. Tan has since decreed the washing up to be Arcade’s sole jurisdiction, and Arcade seems happy to be helpful in a way that doesn’t require an undue amount of effort.
Constantine pours himself his own mug of coffee and takes a seat by Arcade.
“Maybe sometime soon we can go check out the casinos,” he says, shoving a spoonful in his mouth. “House said I oughta do something about them.”
“And you’re all for doing what House says now, are you?” Arcade takes a careful bite. “I wasn’t aware you’d decided to commit to being his lackey.”
“Hey, I haven’t—” he stops, swallows, and takes another bite. “Haven’t committed to anything. Just want to get the whole picture.”
Arcade looks between Constantine and his near-empty bowl. “At the very least, can you commit to chewing your food?”
“Nah,” Tan says through another mouthful, then tilts the bowl to shovel the remaining hash in. “Shee you downshtairs.”
He ruffles Arcade’s hair and hurries out of the kitchen to dress up and arm himself. Nothing too flashy, just a revolver on his hip, a knife tucked in his boot, his hat hanging down his back. He taps his foot the entire elevator ride, almost skipping out the door once it dings open. His only patience manifests in holding the exit open for Rex to plod along after him, all too happy to sit at his heels once they’re outside. The heat is building under the awning of the hotel, but the air is dry and the morning has seen fit to bless the Mojave with the slightest breeze. With a deep breath, Tan closes his eyes and listens to the strangely lullying concert produced by the New Vegas Strip in daylight. The woodwind wail of the speeding monorail, the brassy booming commands from Securitrons along their rotas. A distant choir of howling dogs. The steady percussion of hammers—NCR soldiers repairing the embassy’s flimsy outer fence, accompanied by the faint pops and crackles of small-arms fire from far past Freeside.
“You look at peace.”
Constantine grins, not bothering to turn around. “I am, I think. I like it here.”
A scoff. “That why you’re eager to see the casinos? If you’re this easily charmed, you’ll fit right in.”
“Your bark is worse than your bite, ‘Cade. Taking a page out of Rex’s book?” Besides, he thinks, who are you to complain about how easily charmed I am?
“Oh har, har. Maybe they’ll let you take over for some act at the Tops.” He tugs on Tan’s sleeve and heads down the steps, out into the white hot sun. “Come on then. Fortune favors the actively moving.”
“That’s so not how it goes,” says Tan, crossing his hands behind his head as he walks.
“How would you know?” There’s a carefree kind of tone to Arcade’s teasing, and it makes Tan’s heart stutter. So often, Arcade has this tangible kind of weight to him, like he’s lugging some hulking something behind him. Something so wrapped in snide, dry humor and cool, scientific reason that makes peering into the depths downright impossible. There’s a core there, a tiny ember burning dim but steady, and for the life of him, Tan can’t figure out what it is. It’s to do with his past, and it’s to do with something far more scientific than Tan has any reason to know about, and those tiny bits of knowledge about it make him so curious and impatient that every day is a struggle keeping his damned mouth shut instead of annoying Arcade with questions.
He settles for annoying him in other ways.
“It doesn’t sound right!” he laughs, and takes his hat from around his neck. “You know what? I think you and Rex deserve a little showdown. Get ‘im, Rex!” With a whoop, he plops his hat onto Arcade’s head and runs off, turning around in time to see Rex growling and nipping at the doctor’s heels.
When Arcade finally catches up, out of breath and looking more impressed than annoyed, he shoves his hat against his chest. Rex trots calmly up behind him, not a hint of remorse to be shown in his confident swagger and lolling tongue.
“You win this one, Becker,” he says, panting between every word.
“Gonna have to try harder to outdo me, Gannon.” He hangs the hat back around his head and carries on like there hadn’t been any sort of interruption. “Anyway, if this—” he points at his head, “is anything to go by, then I lived in a city before. I just like the bustle, the people. Everyone’s someone, but it’s still easy to get lost if you need to. It’s nice being a face in a crowd.”
Still recovering, Arcade lets out a deep breath and levels him with his gaze. Curiosity plays across his face, replaced soon with focused scrutiny, as though he is trying to see through Tan and into his memories. As though there is something there that he might be able to make more sense of, if only he were the one to witness those disjointed pieces of history. Arcade looks at him a second longer before straightening up and beginning to walk again. Tan falls in beside him.
“You know, I don’t get it,” says Arcade, after a few blocks of easy silence. “I know you’re a social butterfly, but just how is it that you get along with Boone best, of all people?”
Tan sputters out a laugh. “Oh my god, are you jealous again?”
“No!” He smacks his arm. “No, shut up. Not like that. I mean—he’s so…aloof. And you’re you. But you two, you just…work well together. It’s a weird sight to see, that’s all.”
Tan blinks. He hasn’t really considered much about his friendship with Boone. Somehow, he and Craig fell into a wordless sort of brotherhood, and that kind of teamwork was hard to find in the wasteland. They worked well and smoothly together, evident in the calm ease they shared when cleaning out their guns or reloading their magazines, but more so in their almost instinctive, unspoken coordination on the battlefield. Boone fell into step beside Tan far quicker than any of his other companions, accepting his hand signals and commands without question. To question the nuances of a good thing seemed antithetical to its success, so Constantine never bothered to ask more of Boone than what he already gave.
“You’re not as good as Manny,” Boone had told him once, when they were sharing a beer around a dying fire. “But you’re good. You make this simple.” This had been prior to anyone else joining their wandering band of fools, before Tan had met back up with Veronica or started ogling Arcade at the Fort. In the companionable trust that comes with being two people alone in the darkness of the wasteland, Tan knew then that when Boone stood up and said “I’ll take first watch,” he was really saying “thank you.”
Explaining this to Arcade seemed…not impossible, but certainly pointless. What could he say? I think I remind him of Carla, and when he has someone big and bright and loud, he doesn’t have to work to exist. I speak up for him, and he watches my back. We both know a dance we never want to speak of again, but fall into like it’s second nature. I’ve sat next to him in the dead of night when he woke up crying, and he’s held back my hair when I tried drinking to remember. He knows me and knows of me without me having to say it. Nothing I remember will add or take away from that.
So instead, he settles for the easier kind of truth. “I’m an NCR brat,” he admits. “I think. I’m sure you’ve guessed that by now. My hand signals, the whole way I communicate out there, it’s all from being in the military. Before anyone else joined up with us, it was just me and Boone. He helped me figure that out, and we make a good sniper team.” He shrugs. To anyone else, there really isn’t more to it than that.
To Arcade, it’s almost enough. Constantine can tell by the raised eyebrow, the quizzical expression, that he wants to pry further…but to his credit, he lets it drop.
“Just interesting,” he says with finality, and shoves his hands into the pockets of his lab coat.
They’re almost at the Fort, just a few blocks away, when Tan remembers he still has to check back in with the Van Graffs. He weaves in front of Arcade to walk along his right side, putting the man between him and his responsibilities.
Ever the quick study, Arcade glances between Tan and the distant silhouette of Simon standing guard. He stiffens up for just a moment before returning to his usual slouch.
“I doubt they can see you from here, Constantine,” he says with a shake of his head.
“Rifles have scopes,” Tan notes, and pulls up the collar around his duster. “I don’t want to get into a shootout today, alright?”
He is so, so close to letting the whole thing go. It’s not supposed to be a tug-of-war, this thing between them. If this were some other street on some other day, and if he felt a little less like a mirelurk with its shell half-peeled off at every line of questioning from Arcade, he would have. But…no.
“What’s your deal with that place, anyway? You always freak out when energy weapons are involved.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Shudders. Panic. Hilariously unconvincing lies. Freak outs.”
Arcade almost trips over a pebble, and, shit. Constantine knows he’s fucked up. In any other instance it would be simpler to backpedal or redirect, but in a bout of sudden selfishness, he wants the moment to drag on for just a little longer. Their footsteps crunch against the crumbling road as they walk on.
All the things he has to leave unspoken gnaw at him, desperate to break out. I want to know you, Tan wants to say. I want to know why you freeze when you look at the guns in that store. I want to know what the NCR has done to you to make you distrust them in ways that have nothing to do with their governing. There is something there, hiding underneath your surface, and you keep peeling away at me but don’t give anything back. I want to know you, Arcade, in the ways you want to know me.
Distrust isn’t quite the right word for it, but it’s close. Maybe it’s more like concern, or perhaps fascination, that drives Tan to dig deeper when he has found, time and again, that the further he presses Arcade, the further he closes up. He’s optimistic, not naive; he can’t imagine anything hidden in Arcade’s history that might change his perception of the man, let alone his attraction to him. He isn’t expecting a clean slate or a lack of complications. More than anything, Tan just wishes he could help.
Instead, he sighs. Nothing here is going to give. With an awkward laugh, he breaks the moment..
“You know, I could never really get into energy weapons. I’ve tried—I mean, you’ve seen my shitty attempts—but the lowered recoil really throws me off. How am I even supposed to be able to tell I’ve shot something?”
Arcade scoffs. “Well, the green puddle or pile of ashes is a good indicator.”
“Oh, shut up,” Tan says, smacking him on the arm. “I mean it! And if it jams, what am I supposed to do, hotwire the damn gun? Do a little on-the-fly soldering? I’ll just ask a feral to wait a minute while I get that taken care of.”
“I don’t doubt that you’d be able to convince one, honestly,” says Arcade. He lets out a breathy chuckle. “Only you would be presented with a perfectly serviceable, easy to handle weapon and complain that it’s not complicated enough.”
They come to a stop outside the wooden gates of the Fort, the white flag of the Followers flapping in the wind. A stray cloud passes in front of the sun. Before Arcade has the opportunity, Constantine pulls open the door and gestures at the entrance with playful grandiosity.
“After you, dear sir,” he drawls, grinning when Arcade rolls his eyes. Before the doctor can stride past him, Tan catches his sleeve and pulls him back. He takes Arcade’s hand in his own.
“See you back at the 38 for dinner?”
Ears turning red, Arcade glances down at their hands, then back up at Tan. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”
“Perfect.” He lifts Arcade’s hand to his lips and presses a kiss to his knuckles. “See you, gorgeous.”
He waves to the guards sitting just inside the door and turns to leave, satisfied with his display. Perhaps if he had known just how soon he would be back at the Fort, he would have put on a slightly less gallant goodbye.
The walk over to the King’s was uneventful, as was his conversation with the man himself. Rex’s condition is indeed deteriorating, and the King requested a second opinion from the nearest medical specialist in the area: Julie Farkas. Tan steels himself as he walks back through the doors of the Fort not thirty minutes later, trying his best to not give his anxiety too long of a leash. Worries circle him like vultures, thoughts worming their way in past his carefully constructed nonchalance. What if Arcade thought he was being too clingy? What if Julie wasn’t able to help Rex in any way?
They’re unproductive concerns with convenient solutions, but they gnaw at him all the same. If Arcade thought he was incapable of leaving him alone, well, he’d just explain why he was back. If Julie wasn’t able to help with Rex’s predicament, then he would pester other doctors across the wasteland until he found some lead to follow. Still, as he checks each tent looking for Julie’s signature mohawk, he wipes his sweaty palms against his pants. It’s too early to drink, so he pulls out a cigarette and lights it, just to stop himself from chewing on his lower lip. Something pulls at him, something deeper, that tells him his anxiety is not without cause—that perhaps, in some foreign life, this is something he had to deal with often.
“Hi again, stranger.”
Arcade sounds more amused than anything. It’s enough to make Constantine huff out a breath of relief, though not quite enough to make him put out the cigarette.
“Hey,” he says, turning around. “I swear I’m not stalking you.”
“To be honest, I don’t think I’d mind too much if you were.” Arcade walks past him into a nearby tent, holding a pile of blankets. Tan doesn’t miss the smirk on his face. “What brings you back my way?”
Tan’s heart stops pounding quite so much upon seeing Arcade’s nonchalance. He takes a drag of his cigarette and turns to blow the smoke away. “Well, Rex ain’t doing so hot by the King’s standards, either. He said to go talk to Julie about it, thought I might have better luck asking her since the last time he was here she refused to help him.”
“Bullshit,” Julie butts in, walking out of the tent Arcade just entered. “I didn’t refuse care, Rex just needs a specialist. Hi, Constantine.”
Tan laughs. “Hey, Jules. Need any help?”
“No, I think I’ve managed to burden Arcade with all the menial tasks I can think of, at the moment. Thanks, though.”
“Gee, thanks,” Arcade says, tying the tent flaps open. “Glad to know I’m so irreplaceable.”
Julie rolls her eyes. “Anyway,” she continues, “the King came by a few months ago, and we had to tell him there was nothing we could do. Rex’s condition is way beyond anything we can handle. He requires brain surgery, and some sophisticated cybernetics work, too.”
Tan looks over at where Rex is rolling around in some dust. “So there’s no chance he’ll ever get better? You can’t heal him?”
“I didn't say that. While no one here has that kind of expertise, I do know of one man who might fit the bill.” She crosses her arms. “There's an old scientist named Dr. Henry who reportedly specializes in this sort of procedure. He'd probably be your best bet. Last I heard, he was living up in Jacobstown, far to the northwest.”
Were it anyone else, Tan might have missed the subtle signs of discomfort. But it’s not just anyone else, it's Arcade, and even while Julie is talking he’s still glancing over at the man in the same way he’s been doing the past week, like some love struck teenager who can’t get enough of a crush. So when he sees Arcade stiffen up enough to stand up just a little bit straighter at the mention of Jacobstown, he frowns.
Arcade hadn’t been with him the last time Tan had traversed out there, but Doc Henry had been fairly reasonable to interact with. He hadn’t pressed the issue of ending the tests of the Stealth Boy Mark II on Lily despite his previous research, and for that much, Tan was grateful. Surely he’d be willing to help Rex, if not out of compassion, then at the very least out of that same scientific curiosity. Why Arcade would tense up at the mention of Jacobstown and the doctor, he can’t be sure, but he files that away to deal with later.
“Sounds like that’s where I’ll head out soon, then. Thanks, Julie. Come by the 38 if you ever need anything, alright?”
Julie smiles. “Sure, Constantine. Thanks for stopping by. Bye, Rex,” she calls over to the dog, who barks at her in response. With that, she walks back into the tent and picks up a clipboard, leaving Arcade and Tan relatively alone in the entryway.
“Guess I’ll head back out,” Tan says, taking one last drag of his cigarette. He drops the butt to the ground and stomps it out with his heel, watching Arcade all the while. He’s still in some kind of half-trance, arms crossed and head down, lost to thoughts Tan has no hope of knowing. He waits another few seconds more, in case Arcade comes back to him.
He doesn’t.
“Alright,” Tan relents. “See you. Come on, Rex.” He considers seeing if Arcade would respond to a kiss, just on the cheek, but the Fort is starting to bustle with sick settlers and worried doctors, and the last thing he wants to do is provide Arcade’s colleagues with easy gossip for the remainder of the day. He’s not sure why this is something he’s concerned about, but something pricks at him, reminds him that people talk and that his displays of affection aren’t always going to be well received when he’s supposed to be some kind of public image. Something bubbles up under the surface, some dark hint of memory. Don’t want to be the talk of the barracks, he hears in a foreign voice. Don’t give them something to talk about. Don’t embarrass me.
He puts a hand on Arcade’s shoulder by way of goodbye, instead. That’s enough to bring the doctor out of his reverie, though not by much.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. See you, Tan,” Arcade murmurs, and goes to join Julie in the tent.
Tan blinks. Something in him stings, as though he’d been slapped. He stands there, hand still hanging in the air where Arcade used to be. Don’t be stupid, the voice tells him. You’re going to make a scene.
“Right,” he sighs. He draws his hand back and shoves it in his pocket. “Let’s go, Rex.” As he makes his way through the Fort, Tan wonders how, surrounded by doctors and junkies and guards, he can feel so astronomically alone.
It isn’t until Tan is back at the crossroad leading back towards the Silver Rush that the magnitude of whatever-it-is he’s feeling hits him, all electric and blood-boiling and impossible to control. He stops in the middle of the street, threads his fingers in his hair, turns in a tight circle and drops to the ground in a crouch.
“He’ll tell me eventually, right, Rex?”
He hates how desperate he sounds. Rex tilts his head with a quizzical whine, the liquid in his brain case sloshing side to side as he does.
“You’re right,” Tan groans, sliding his hands out of his hair and over his face. “You’re right. I’m being stupid. I just wish I knew what to do with this, y’know? I feel like I’m being eaten alive.”
It’s easy enough to put a word to the buzzing that seems to have taken up permanent residence in his chest. Anxiety. It’s harmless enough in that form, existing as a word, as four syllables that don’t even require you to open your mouth the whole way to say aloud. It’s the other ways it exists that kill him—the buzzing, chittering everything that spills out of his heart and into his ribs, keeping his pulse pounding, his leg jittering, his cuticles ever-bloody from picking. Terror is something that should be reserved for moments of real, tangible danger, not idle strolls and mildly embarrassing situations.
So why does he still feel like he’s caught in a sniper scope, like there’s a red dot trained on him that he can’t see no matter how hard he squints?
The prickling discomfort of being watched starts to feel like a sunburn along the side of his face. He sighs through his nose, counting down from five, before hauling himself back up to his feet. For no particular reason (besides that constant burning something) he looks down the road, over to where the Silver Rush stands tall and imposing. Simon’s definitely looking his way, with what seems like measured disdain.
He still needs to deal with that, too.
Working with the Van Graffs felt almost natural, almost familiar when he first arrived in Freeside. Something there reminded him of…something. Something warm and dusty and shining, something dark and deep. The energy weapons made him uneasy, almost as uneasy as Arcade was every time they stopped by and he let out some pitiful lie about not recognizing the make and model of most of the guns laid along the table. All the same, he couldn’t help but chase the familiarity, right up to the point where they asked him to kill Cass.
He hasn’t reported back since. It’s been long enough that they’re sure to be suspicious, if not downright pissed. Nowadays it seems like every corner he turns in Vegas, there’s another person he’s avoiding. Even without his memories, he knows that he’s probably never liked confrontation.
Rex spins around him, impatient, and Tan finally tears his eyes away. That was something to deal with another day. Today, though…
He looks at Rex.
“Maybe if I do something about one of the people that wants me dead, I’ll feel better,” he says slowly, considering. “Whaddya say, boy?”
Rex wags his tail, following in step as Tan starts walking again, this time with more purpose.
When he stops again, staring at the blinking red wave of neon above the entrance to the Tops, it occurs to him that maybe it’s only taken him this long due to all the attention on him.
He can turn around right now, waltz back home, go back to sleep. He could go read, or prep ingredients for lunch. Or he could practice his lockpicking, clean his guns. Maybe patch the holes in his favorite jeans. He could go grab Boone from where he’s been observing the Fiends and go take their mutual aggression out on some bounties for the NCR. Virtually anything would be smarter. Anything would be slower, smoother, quieter. Thought through. Predictable.
Everyone knows he does these things, everyone has seen him do them time and time again. He’s dependable in that regard, in his expected goodness and blandness. It takes him so long to get anything done, he’s amazed he’s made an impact on this damn wasteland at all. Sometimes he wonders if he crawled out of his grave as a ghoul, just his skin hasn’t fallen off yet, so he can’t see the rot that eats at him and chokes his brain, making him shamble his way through decision after decision. It’s exhausting, all this thinking that he does, all of this consideration for the way every domino might fall. He’s so damn tired of all that waiting and thinking and running. So, so much running.
His friends would have gladly accompanied him if he’d bothered to ask. Hell, they would have come with him even if he hadn’t. They’ve certainly asked him about it plenty of times over the last few months. Veronica with her sweet curiosity about whether he’d made up his mind about what to do, Boone with his blunt reminders that neither Caesar nor the NCR got anywhere by being indecisive. It makes sense that they’d wonder, given that every venture out with him was a chance at something they might not be able to come back from. With non-committal mumbles and half-hearted shrugs, he had avoided the subject entirely, brushing it off until they’d all basically just expected him to drag his heels about it until war was breathing down his neck.
Something cold uncoils in his chest, something sharp and thirsty. It filters through him like winter sunlight on his skin, bringing forth goosebumps. Like a man drowning, he is helpless to resist when malice, ruthless and potent and pure, begs for him to let it fill his lungs.
He takes a deep, deep breath.
“I can do this,” he says to the near-empty streets of New Vegas, ignoring Rex’s quizzical whine, and strides towards the the Tops’ multicolored doors.
The boot knife he smuggles past security is his anchor, his last and brittle tether to reality. It grounds him in a way he didn’t know he needed, offering reminders of truths he can’t believe fear is enough to make him forget. He was dead. This man, Benny, killed him. He was in the ground, and he got out. A shallow grave waits for him at the end of this journey, identical to the one that started it. As above, so below. So it begins, so, too, it shall end: with him, alone, with nothing but dirt for company.
The last time he was alone—completely, utterly alone—was when he came to in the darkness outside Goodsprings, bleeding and confused. Since then, there was always someone. Veronica, first. Then Boone, then Cass, until eventually, a human wall of warmth and care and loyalty shielded him from the horrors of the wasteland. Complacency had wormed its way into his life and brought him here, striding towards his killer with a sick dog at his heels.
He stops just long enough to tell Rex to go wait for him by the door.
Not today, he reminds himself. I may be alone, but it won’t end today.
Repeated as a mantra, the words smother the taste of acid and anxiety rising in his throat. Each step of his right foot feels leaden upon the gaudy carpets. Each step brings him closer to that black-and-white checkered suit standing there, oblivious to his approach.
“Hey, Benny,” he says, careful to temper the venom that threatens to spill into his voice.
The surprised “What in the goddamn?” fills Constantine’s chest with a flaring, burning pride, identical to the flush of glee he feels upon landing a perfect sniper shot, where the victim slumps over without so much as hearing the whizz of the bullet.
Benny is babbling now, nonsensical slang mixed with clear confusion, and Tan can’t suppress his grin when it’s finally his turn to speak.
“Seems you need to work on your marksmanship,” Tan says. Nightstalkers always kind of look like they’re smiling, with their upturned snake mouths, even when they’re about to strike; he can’t help feeling like one now, all easy smiles and calm words. Benny, on the other hand, looks like he’s staring down a deathclaw. It feels good, feels powerful, to not be the one playing catch-up for once.
“I hit what I was aiming for. Guess you had brains to spare. Or are you just thick-skulled? Either way, baby, this is good news. Maybe I can finally sleep at night, knowing you didn’t die. What say you and I cash out, go somewheres more private-like? Any questions you got, I'll answer.”
Tan snorts. The derision in Benny’s voice is hardly disguised, though he’s not sure how good of a liar the guy would be even if he were trying. He doesn’t doubt he’d be able to hold his own even if he was stupid enough to go somewhere alone with him. “Glad I can assuage your conscience, asshole. Give me one good reason not to kill you.”
Whatever artificial pleasantness existed a moment before is quickly replaced with terse, tense annoyance. “You want a reason, how about four?” Benny says, tone clipped and low. “They’re called bodyguards, and every one of them is packing. Me, too—so baby makes five. Add to that every Chairman in this joint is armed, and not with some hold-out peashooter like maybe you smuggled through security.”
Tan longs for the weight of his boot knife in his hand. It is no pea-shooter, but instead, a fang, an extension of himself, the deliverance of all his months of rage and heartbreak. For every memory lost, a long-awaited plunge of metal into flesh. He takes a very, very slow breath.
“Try me,” he suggests, with gentle, smiling spite, “and I’ll gut you like a fish.”
Satisfying can hardly describe the feeling of watching Benny laugh nervously and glance around the casino, reevaluating his security, looking as though his blood has been drained and replaced with curdled milk.
“Baby, baby! You didn’t come here for vengeance, anyway, right? You came here to get clued in!” Benny feigns composure by patting his pockets for his cigarettes and lighter; Tan doesn’t miss the way his hands shake. “Like I said, we should be talking somewhere private.”
Rolling his eyes, Tan plays along. “Yeah? Whaddya have in mind?”
“To start, I'll comp you the Presidential - best suite in the house. You deserve a taste of the VIP lifestyle. I'll hang out down here for a while to make everything look business-as-usual, then come to you. Any questions you got, I'll answer — guaranteed.”
It’s hard to keep from guffawing. He has to hand it to the suit, he has a lot of confidence to think that he’s in any position to set the conditions of their meeting. Constantine taps his foot, feigning impatience. “Two conditions—lose the bodyguards, and we both go to the suite now.” Let Benny think he’s adjusting to fit his needs.
Benny stares at him, hard. If he focuses, Tan can practically hear the gears turning. The casino fills their uneasy silence with sounds of its own, the clinking of chips being counted, the shuffling of cards, the rattle of dice in cups. Mostly it’s dealers and Chairmen preparing for the evening, though a few sleepy patrons seem to have stayed up through the night at their various tables or slot machines. Genuine amiability flows through the morning atmosphere of the building, though Tan thinks—hell, he knows—that if Benny doesn’t budge, things could turn into a bloodbath spectacularly quickly.
When he finally answers, it is with a resigned sigh. “If that's what it takes to win your trust, that's what it takes. Follow me.” He whispers something to his nearest guard, and then heads off around the edge of the casino floor, towards a hallway of elevators.
As they wait for the elevator to descend, Tan takes in the grandeur of the casino around him. It doesn’t have the same opulence as the Lucky 38, probably due to actually having visitors over the years. There’s a well-worn charm to things: scuff marks on the tiled floors; fading, stained carpets and rugs; paintings bleached pastel by the sun.
“How’s it compare?” Benny asks, sounding surprisingly genuine.
“It’s more lived-in,” Tan shrugs, seeing no point to lying in this particular instance, “but it’s nice. Has more of a human element. It’s brighter, of course. Less dusty. Seems like you run a good show.”
The elevator dings its arrival, and though Benny strides inside without delay, Tan doesn’t miss the smile he’s wearing.
Perfect. Let him hold onto that thread of connection. He’ll hang himself with it soon enough.
The presidential suite is comfortable and bright, with tall ceilings and plenty of space. Tan almost prefers it to the suite in the 38. Benny wastes no time before sliding behind the bar, arranging a variety of bottles around him and measuring equal amounts between into a cocktail shaker. Tan raises an eyebrow but says nothing and sits down on a stool opposite the man.
“Relax, baby. If I was gonna kill you, it wouldn’t be by poisoning your drink.”
Tan huffs a laugh. “Proved that one already.”
“See? I’m as honest as they come. It can’t hurt you to live a little, kid.”
“Hm.” Loathe as he is to admit it, there’s something real charming about Benny’s approach to hedonism. Even in this simple pretense—sitting down to a chat with your would-be killer—he would rather be in the moment with some aspect of comfort, be it as small as a well-made refreshment. In another life, maybe they might have been allies, or even friends.
As it stands now…his boot knife itches against his ankle. Waiting. Eager.
Benny slides a cocktail glass towards him. The drink within is a light, frothy green, with a piece of what looks like mutfruit suspended over the concoction by a skewer. He retrieves his own glass and walks around to sit beside Tan. “Now that you and me's got some privacy, I gotta ask—how is it that you're still living?”
“Call it luck and leave it at that,” he answers noncommittally, more interested in inspecting his drink. “Why’s it green? It irradiated?”
“What isn’t, these days? Nah, baby. It’s got some liqueur made out of plants, something our bartenders whipped up. You’re looking at a bonafide New Vegas Special. Anyway,” he takes a drink, “Luck is for losers, baby. Someone pulled the strings.”
Tan sniffs at the green liquid and finds it doesn’t assault his senses. After a tentative sip, he has to hand it to Benny. It’s good. Tangy, a little sweet, a little herbal…all in all, pleasant. He chews on the skewer, considering.
Some old, dim memory claws its way through the wreckage of scar tissue that is his amygdala. Luck is what fools call laziness and despair. Luck makes good folk give themselves up to the turn of a card or the promise of fortune, and lose, and lose, and lose.
Don’t turn to luck, boy, that voice—his father’s?—demands of him. It’ll chew you up and spit you out, wear you down faster than honest effort ever could.
“Once you were vertical, how'd you track me down?”
The question is enough to bring him back to the moment. He fishes in his duster pocket for the evidence, and deposits the handful of cigarette butts and the engraved metal lighter onto the bartop. Tan’s glad to feel the weight of them gone from his pocket; though small, the garbage served as a constant reminder of the shallow grave in Goodsprings, and of his last solid memories from before having been accompanied by the echoing click of the metal lighter. Still, though, he tamps down his rearing pride once more at the look of horror upon Benny’s face at seeing the items before him.
“Look at me, a big-leaguer or so I claim, making all the mistakes of an original loser…” Though he sounds disappointed, Benny picks up the lighter with fondness, flicking it open and closed a couple of times before tucking it away. Tan tries not to flinch at the sound.
“Well,” Benny continues with a sigh, “I guess that’s enough scratching around at first base. Tell me, which way’s the wind gonna blow?”
Tan looks up from his drink, where he’d been tracing shapes into the condensation gathered on the glass. He smiles, slow and earnest. “I’m wondering why I shouldn’t just kill you.”
Before House had come by, every one of these fancy casino families had been a separate tribe, capable of doing anything in their power to stay alive despite the harshness of the Mojave Wasteland around them. Benny had been part of that, before pressed suits and fancy cocktails had wrapped him in comfort and tempted him with the concept of more. Tan can see that now, in the way Benny matches his stare without any visible signs of distress. He thinks back to the plush carpet back at the 38 and wonders if he might be lost to it already, if the promise of a roof and water and warmth is enough to take the fight out of him and replace it with placid complacency—or if the very same animalistic rapacity shines through his eyes as well, daring Benny to make the first move, to try to pry the safety and peace of his present away from him, like he has already done with his past.
After an unblinking moment, Benny takes a drink and looks out at the torn painting hanging across from the bar. “You’ve got a crazy drop on me here, baby, that’s for sure. If killing’s what you came for, this would be the time. But, baby..” he looks back over at Tan, a sly edge to his smile, “you’d be disappointing me. All the trouble you went through to arrange this shindig? Must be something more you’re after.”
Tan clenches his jaw. That same voice in his head from before advises him to remember something about cats and curiosity. But after all this time, and all these miles…
“You’re right. You’re gonna tell me everything I want to know.”
Benny hums into his drink, sounding a little too self-satisfied for Constantine’s liking. “You got it, baby. You got questions, I got answers.”
What follows is a lesson in swallowing one’s pride, as Tan learns more about Vegas and the whole state of things than he’d ever expected to glean from someone like Benny. The guy’s articulate and focused, decisive in his scorn towards the obstacles standing between him and his schemes. Where at first he pitied the man for losing House’s favor and being tossed to the side, now Tan sees that any rough patch Benny’s come up against has been nothing more than a whetstone, sharpening and strengthening his near-obsessive resolve. His claims about the families and factions of the Strip are as spurious as anyone else’s, steeped in opinion and personal vendetta—but there is an honesty to Benny’s answers that Tan hadn’t been counting on. Even House had reserved his intentions and decisions to himself, treating Constantine as a new, slightly-shinier cog in his machine after determining Benny’s erasure from the broader picture, and refusing to shed any further light upon what he intended to use Tan for.
Benny, on the other hand, is forthright, to an almost insulting degree. By his ruling, Tan is to be no more than an errand boy, a retainer-on-demand while Benny plans to elevate the Chairmen to ruling all of Vegas, with an army of Securitrons to back him up. Sure, he says he’s planning on paying him, but he was supposed to get paid for this courier gig, too—and look how that turned out.
Most likely, Tan reasons, Benny’s forthcoming attitude only stems from a rational overview of the situation. Tan—undying, resurrected, energized by vengeance and despair—makes the most sense as an asset rather than an enemy, a sentiment he has come across a few times in his travels so far, even among more powerful entities like the NCR. He sees it as he asks another question, prodding further into the history of the Three Families and their intentions: a spark of something darker behind Benny’s eyes, more heated than simple curiosity or contempt. Intrigue, maybe, or fascination, drawn to so sharp a point it feels like a laser targeted at him, and makes his cheeks burn under the scrutiny.
Somewhere along their conversation, Benny makes a second round of drinks. He’s overly generous with the gin this time, and Tan can’t quite put his finger on why. He can’t be trying to ply him for information, since there’s very little Tan knows that he’s not already aware of. It could be that he’s softening him up, forcing him to put his guard down in a show of false geniality, or just that he’s feeling something along the lines of remorse—though the latter is doubtful, since he says as much to Tan when he grumbles about the ruthlessness of quite literally shooting the messenger.
“What I did to you was rotten, but if you think House, the NCR or Caesar won't kill to put Vegas in their pocket, I really did blow out your brains,” Benny scoffs.
“The ruthlessness of others is no excuse,” Tan says quietly, more into his glass than directed at Benny.
“Was a time I would've agreed with you. But this... it's too big, it affects too many people. I can't get hung up on those details,” says Benny. “C’mon, baby. What’s a little murder when a winning hand is on the line? This is the Mojave, I doubt your hands are clean and blameless.”
Tan drums his fingers on the table. Again, the guy’s not wrong. Tan’s watched the light go out of countless eyes, at this point—raiders, Fiends, legionnaires, Powder Gangers…everywhere he’s been in this wretched land, the sand is surely stained with blood he’s shed. Whatever his justifications, however legitimate the reasoning, life is life is life. Were he in Benny’s shoes, could he say that he wouldn’t have done the same thing to some poor sap kneeled in front of him?
Something craven crawls into his heart, not unlike contempt. He cannot deny the answer: were the stakes high enough, were it someone he cared about on the line, were it any of dozens of explanations he’s come up with to warrant the very real swath of death he has carved across the Mojave, he would shoot the brains out of whatever poor sod was kneeling in front of him, too.
He rolls the stem of the cocktail glass between his hands, scraping the glass lightly over the bar top.
“Hand over the chip, Benny.”
“No can do, baby.” His tone is lighthearted, but Benny’s mood drops. He shifts how he’s sitting on the barstool so that his jacket lifts up just a little, displaying the pistol at his hip. “The Chip belongs in the hands of someone who can use it. As in me, not you. You’ll get a piece of the action, and a sweet one at that. But…” he downs his drink and tilts his head to look over at the courier, “the Chip sticks with me.” Tan has to resist a shiver; some scared, half dead part of him knows that expression all too well. The last time he saw it, the night was cold and his hands were bound with scratchy rope.
“Look, mailman—don’t think I got your name—it’s nothing personal, really. Hell, I like your style. You’ve got the gift of gab, you’ve clearly wormed your way into the minds and hearts of whoever you’ve stumbled across on your way to find me. Think we could have something real good, here, if you put your mind to it. Just gotta let someone more wise in these things wear the crown.”
Tan narrows his eyes. “You’ve got a lot riding on the faith that people will just want to go along with whatever you set out for them.”
Benny levels him with a stare, then chuckles. “That’s rich, coming from you. If you put that charisma towards something, baby, maybe you’d have more than a bunch of misfits on your tail. Could help me rule Vegas. If that’s not what you’re after, could be the next Ccasar, if you were feeling particularly despotic.”
Tan grips the stem of the glass hard enough that his knuckles go white. Benny obviously notices, because he hurries along with his point like he knows he’s walking on some dangerously thin ice.
“I’m not saying you’re the same! Just saying—you’re more similar to these bigwigs in power than you might think. Hell, maybe if you knew more about what you were dealing with you’d be sitting in my place. But you don’t. I’m the one who’s stacked the deck, who’s holding the cards. I know how these chips gotta fall.” A fierce pride edges into his voice, tinged with something else. Passion? Frustration?
Benny has more pomp, more general know-how of this world, this much is true. He has the measured violence and all the right words, so much that he’s become enough of a threat to House that Constantine got called in to fix the problem. There’s merit to the Chairman’s plan, and yet…
Something feels off. A piece is missing, somewhere, either in Benny’s approach or in his entire being, and the guy knows it. He’s doing the best he can, which, admittedly, is better than most, but even his veneer of bravado isn’t impossible to see through, given enough time and studying. It’s in the way he starts drumming his fingers when Tan goes quiet for a while, the way he eyes the door like he’s hoping someone might come by, the way he pats down his hair to make sure every strand is still gelled into perfect place: he’s stuck.
Even more importantly, he’s scared.
Tan considers his words carefully, speaking slow and watching Benny out of the corner of his eye. “You’re saying you have the winning hand, here?”
“I’m sayin’ that even if you can’t see the hands, baby, you can see who’s holdin’ ‘em. Me? Or House? Or would you rather shack up long term with the likes of the NCR or Caesar. Might be cozy for you, but living under someone’s boot ain’t exactly my style, dig? Anyway, baby, the odds may look long, but that's just ‘cause we ain't done rigging them. I won't toss the dice until we are. I've gleaned a lot, working with Mr. House. He was a good cat to swing with. I still got more to learn, but it's... it's coming together.”
God, he talks a lot. What began as concrete information morphed into floundering real quick, and if Tan were one to be easily convinced, he would have fallen for it, too. He scrapes the countertop with his knuckles, making a list in his head of everything he knows to be true.
Benny’s scared. Benny’s got some ace up his sleeve to help him do what he wants, but he’s missing something to make that last piece click. He’s desperate enough to consider asking Tan to help him out—or he’s bluffing enough to try to tie up a loose end he wasn’t expecting. House wants him dead, so he’s on his very last stretch of rope before it tightens around his neck. Benny’s led himself out to a cliff’s edge, and though he doesn’t look like he’s in particularly dire straits, what with his slicked-back hair and casual slouch, he knows Constantine’s the one that’s either gonna shove him off or help him regain some ground.
“You make some good points,” he says, after the room has gotten so quiet that Benny’s shifting in his chair from discomfort. “But I can’t take a deal ‘til I think it over, especially considering that I sure as hell don’t trust you as far as I can throw you.”
“Hey, I get it. You figure me for a creep, it’s your prerogative. But you done me a solid already, just by not shooting me. Tell you what, as a token of appreciation…” He fishes in his pocket for something, then slides it across the bar top to Tan. “This here's the key to the Presidential—best suite in the house. Stay as long as you like, free of charge. Give yourself a little change of scenery from being under House’s thumb. If you change your mind, come find me down on the casino floor and we'll work out the next step of this caper.”
He stands up, walks a ways towards the door, stops. He looks back at Constantine, expression unreadable—or rather, complicated in a way Tan doesn’t expect. Brow furrowed in thought, as though considering, but accompanied by a slight frown to his mouth. Like he’s come to some sort of conclusion but isn’t happy with the outcome. Tan nods by way of goodbye, Benny says “Adios,” and walks out of the suite doors, and that’s that.
In the silence, Tan attempts to parse some of the feelings rising up in him: concern at not knowing the extent of Benny’s plans, and frustration at his lack of involvement; disgust at the cold-bloodedness of each side involved in this damn situation; exhaustion at having learned so much more about the politicking keeping New Vegas afloat. But above all, avarice, so intertwined with hunger and want that it floods through his veins, creating in him an itching desire to do, to act, to be more than a pawn cast aside in the grand scheme of things.
Power, and the promise of it, settles like a warm meal in his gut. He hadn’t been a man starved—far from it, truthfully—but it is like having lived so long content with eating radroach meat and blowfly guts, just to learn that a well-cooked brahmin steak is within your reach, spiced with sage and salt and honey.
Without aiming to, Constantine has put himself in a place where he is noticed, perhaps even coveted, by those powers that surround him. House certainly needs him, to function as his eyes and hands and guns, an arbiter of all the things that a Securitron cannot do. The NCR and Legion know of him, enough to be cautious when coming upon him out on the road. And Benny—Benny might not like it, but Constantine is his biggest threat, while also being his most invaluable potential ally. It’s not that Tan disagrees with Benny’s plans—far from it—but he knows better than to trust the man, and…surely Benny thinks the same.
Motherfucker.
Benny would be a fool to leave him unsupervised. In fact, he’d be incomprehensibly stupid to leave him alive. The man might be a poser, a liar, and a cheat, but he isn’t stupid—he’s come up with this whole damn plan to dethrone House and seize the city out from under him, and the only mistake he’s made so far is letting his aim drift a centimeter to the left.
Tan pushes back from the bar and sprints over to the double doors of the suite, hiding behind where they swing open. He retrieves his boot knife (with its solid weight, its hungry, serrated teeth) and readies himself to deal with the footsteps he can hear making their way down the hall.
He takes a slow, patient breath, and hears them pause outside the door, whispering strategy and deliberation.
There will be no joining Benny in his coup, no.
When his blade plunges into the first man’s throat, he thinks, Brutus knew better than to ask Caesar for permission.
No, there will be no more bending to another’s rigged rules. He will simply have to make his own, and change the game to fit them.
He has just finished rinsing any remaining blood from his hands and face and is watching the last of the crimson-dyed water swirl down the drain of the kitchen sink when he vaguely registers Arcade call out to him. It’s late, almost nine at night, and Tan hadn’t realized Arcade was running late for dinner until he had already lost track of time washing the blood off his clothes—and doing what other laundry needed to be done while he was at it. Yes-Man had been as straightforward as they come, and all that unreserved and candid information had begun to assemble itself into the outlines of a plan. In the empty hush of the Lucky 38, uncaring of the predatory lights and sounds of the Vegas streets just past the walls, Tan found he could lose himself in the intoxicating freedom of potential. Hypotheticals and speculations flit through his thoughts like mosquitoes, and entertaining each one leads to more of an itch.
By the time Arcade comes home, his thoughts are an incessant onslaught of buzzes and prickles, alleviated only by the assemblage of what has become an elaborate tapestry of every loose thread of connection, every relevant observation, all brought inwards and interwoven—an embroidery of intention and possibility in the shape of a remarkably thorough battle plan.
“Tan? Oh, you are home, good. Listen, I’m sorry about missing dinner, I just completely lost track of time. The Fort was calm until it wasn’t, and then we had a handful of overdoses that needed someone monitoring them at all times, and an entire batch of Fixer had gone missing, so it was just…” He hears him stop in the doorway of the kitchen and heave out a sigh. “It was a lot. Sorry. Have you already eaten?”
Given how fast Arcade’s talking, he must be anxious. It takes no uncertain amount of effort for Constantine to push his ruminations aside, though he makes a mental note to ask Boone if he’s ever been to Cottonwood Cove before, and if not, if he’d be willing to scout it to compare to what he’d been told by Vulpes Inculta.
He turns around to face Arcade and finds him the picture of contrition—wringing his hands, brows knit together in worry, and yet, ears and cheeks tinged pink. Embarrassment?
Wait, that’s right. Tan changed when he got home; he’s clad in nothing but his briefs and an undershirt. He can’t help but laugh.
“Hey, hey,” he says, trying to sound soothing. “It’s all good. No harm, no foul. I was busy getting caught up in every ounce of drama the Omertas had to offer, anyway. Only just got back myself. Was about to start on dinner, if you’d wanna clean up and join me?”
Arcade nods and visibly relaxes. He shrugs off his labcoat and steps out of the room, calling back to him, “What’d you get up to today?”
“Oh, nothing much,” Tan replies. “Just made myself a nuisance to the Omertas, digging around every corner of Gommorah that I could.”
There is the sound of running water, and when Arcade comes back to the kitchen, his hair is slightly damp and he’s cleaning his glasses. “Gross,” he says. “I’m assuming you found plenty of unsavory things?”
“Mmhmm.” Their dance around the kitchen no longer requires rehearsal. For all his gripes about the casino, Arcade seems to be a creature of comfort, and having a large kitchen with plenty of conveniences at his disposal does wonders for his temperament as compared to cramped tent-living with fireside cooking. He rolls up the sleeves of his gray cotton shirt and takes his place at the counter. He’s as fastidious with his mise en place when it comes to cooking as he is when it comes to medicine, so when Tan returns from the food fridge with an armful of ingredients, Arcade already has the cutting boards and knives in place, and pots and pans prepped upon the stove.
“Mashed potatoes and some meat sauce thing sound good?” Tan asks, moving the veggies over to Arcade’s side of the counter as usual.
“Heavenly.”
Later, much later, when Constantine is curled up in a dusty corner, wheezing out air that scrapes against his lungs and praying the sound isn’t loud enough to draw attention from the patrolling ghost people nearby, he’ll realize that right then would have been the perfect moment to tell him. There, in their pleasant and early affection, in the company of dim lights and gentle, joking conversation, he could have turned and outlined his plan. He could have said “I am going to do something that you might find irredeemable, because I am going to do it without asking you, without risking you. I am going to take away your chance to sway me otherwise. I am going to walk you into the very bowels of hell and demand you heel.” Maybe Arcade would have understood his reasoning, had he tried to explain it. Maybe they could have spoken about the right time and place for idealism and honor. Maybe Arcade could have helped him craft a better escape, having had time to consider and agree with the general premise behind Tan’s intentions.
He doesn’t say anything like that, though. He doesn’t shed light on the suicidal mission he’s concocting, doesn’t mention his meeting with Benny or Yes-Man or Vulpes Inculta. He just stops stirring the stew and stares out at the wall a moment before asking, “It’s ‘brave,’ right?”
Arcade looks up from where he’s sitting at the table, having finished with his part until it is time to wash the dishes. “What?”
“Fortune favors the brave?”
“Oh. Well, yes. Though, depending on the translation, it could be ‘bold.’ Fortes Fortuna adiuvat versus audentes Fortuna adiuvat, though the meaning is essentially identical despite the differences in wording.” He pauses, bemused. “Why?”
In that moment, he thinks it might make a good tattoo, a nice reminder to live by. He never gets around to it, though. All that boldness and that bravery, those favored playthings of fortune, will end up etched upon him so deeply that they gouge into his bones. They will live upon him in the rope-thick scars around his wrists, and the endless scratching of his lungs. Those words will haunt him and inspire him. A curse for when he hits the ground and thinks he will never get back up again; a prayer for when he inevitably does.
“No reason. Just like the saying, is all.”
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