#bheemmalli

[ronaldofandom]

Children of the forest

A short drabble - Bheem and Malli. No warnings.

Summary: Bheem's little one has grown up too soon and sees what her Anna doesn't share with others. She wants to take care of the protector, while her Anna would give anything to preserve her childhood.

Prompt: Bheem & Malli appreciating nature.

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‘Annnaaaaa, wait for meeee.’

Bheem stopped in his tracks when he heard the familiar voice and turned around to find the child galloping towards him.

The tiny strides weren’t as tiny anymore. Malli shared his knack for adapting to the forest floor and managing her gait accordingly. While the other kids her age had tripped and fallen many times, Malli had never had any issues navigating the surfaces. Bheem saw a little bit of himself in her. The thought both warmed his heart and jolted it at the same time.

She shouldn’t be here. This was outside the boundaries set for the kids to venture alone.

Bheem put his stern face on as she got closer.

But before he could get a word in, Malli raised her hands up in a defensive posture.

‘I know, I know. But look - I didn’t sneak out on my own this time. I promised you that I won’t worry you again, so I am asking nicely. Take me with you, Anna. It’s been so long since I went to the river.’

She pleaded in a sing-song voice, making her big eyes even bigger.

‘How do you know I am going to the river?’

Malli looked at her feet, fidgeting with her fingers. 

‘Anna, I- I know when and why you go to the river. Alone.’

Bheem looked at her quizzically. How could she possibly know this? Only Jenny knew of this. He had confided in her after breaking down one night.

‘What-what are you talking about, Malli?’

Malli closed the distance between them and wrapped her small hands around his right palm, looking up at him.

‘I know about the nightmares, Anna. You have been having them since we escaped. On some nights, I sprinkled cold water on your face and it used to calm you down. I know you still have them, but you don’t tell anyone else, only water helps you then. You have that look on your face today, so I figured you were going to the river.’

Bheem knelt down in front of her, and the girl ran into his arms. Bheem held her gently.

He thought this was his secret. No one else knew, barring Jenny. But this child had grown up too fast under his yes. And had become too wise for her age.

‘Don’t tell anyone about this, ok?’

‘Why? You are allowed to have problems of your own, Anna. You aren’t just meant to solve others’ problems. Why don’t you let us take care of you?’

That’s not who a protector is, Bheem wanted to tell her. But chose not to.

‘I do have people taking care of me. There is Jenny, and now, there is you too, right?’

Her eyes lit up.

‘Yes yes. I will do whatever you say, Anna. Always.’

‘Good girl. Now, let’s go to the river.’

They walked hand in hand, and listening to Malli’s chatter, Bheem momentarily forgot about the nightmare, which had shaken him to the core last night.

Once they reached the river bank, Malli swung her feet into the water and splashed happily.

Bheem stayed still. He wanted to jump in but there was a logistical issue.

‘Anna - I know about the scars too. It’s fine. Jenny Akka told me they are better now, I keep asking her now and then. You can take off your kurta. I promise I won’t flinch.’

Bheem just stared at her this time, with his mouth hung open. What all had she picked up on? In the age where she was supposed to not have a care in the world, the child had the sense to not ask him about his wounds, knowing it would perturb him. Reluctantly, Bheem took off his kurta. True to her words, Malli did not flinch.

He jumped in, and the cold water immediately did wonders to his rapidly fluctuating emotions. He swam underneath for minutes, only coming to the surface for air and for checking on Malli, who was busy making a house from the riverside sand.

Bheem dove in again, going deeper this time and following a swarm of fishes. He loved chasing fishes since he was a child. Other kids couldn’t swim that deep but for Bheem this was second nature. A water baby, since the day he was born. 

The pure water soothed his weary, tattered skin, along with his bruised heart. This should suffice for a few days, till another crude nightmare makes him question his very existence.

Reluctantly, he waddled out of the water and started drying himself with his kurta. He should take Malli back soon.

‘Anna - can I ask you something?’

Bheem turned to find Malli looking at him, almost tentatively. Bracing himself for another deep question, Bheem nodded his head.

‘How did you bring all those animals to the party that day?’

Here we go again, thought Bheem.

‘I- I caught them from the forest. And kept them in a shed close by.’

‘You caught the tigers and leopards too?’

Bheem just nodded silently.

He could tell the impact of his words had resonated with her. She was silently processing the amount of risk he had taken, and the number of times he had put his life on the line, to save her.

When she didn’t say anything for two minutes, Bheem sat down next to her and pulled her into his lap. The child snuggled into his chest and buried her face there, determined to not let him see her tears. Bheem didn’t insist, respecting her wishes.

He rocked her back and forth, and stroked her head slowly.

‘You could have died.’

‘But I didn’t.’

‘How is it logical? Risking your life to save mine?’

‘Because I am the protector, little one. It is my job to keep you all out of harms way.’

She crawled further into his chest, as if trying to believe he was still with her, despite everything he had risked to get to her.

‘Anna - why don’t they just leave us alone? We are not asking to be a part of their cities. They don’t want to be a part of this world. So why don’t they just let us be? Why do they hunt us mercilessly, when all we want is to be far far away from them?’

Bheem didn’t have an answer for her. He had wondered this many times himself. He could tell her that the world was cruel, unfair. That others thought of them as lesser humans, if that at all. That they were fighting for their right to survive, with basic human decency.

But he wanted to preserve whatever little innocence was left in her.

‘Maybe, one day, they will realise that. And leave us be. That day will come, Malli. If not in my lifetime, then hopefully in yours.’

The child didn’t seem to buy it, but she didn’t resist the comfort that his words were offering either.

‘Ok tell me - what are some things we should learn from the nature around us?’

Malli looked up curiously from his chest. He could see her brain working furiously to come up with a smart response.

‘Hmm. That we are all too inconsequential in front of nature. There are many elements in the world that mankind doesn’t understand, but nature just takes care of it for them. Like the water we drink and the air we breathe. Or the light from the sun and serenity from the moon. Is that it?’

‘That’s a great start. And you are right. We are nothing in front of the might and fury of nature. So we should do our best to respect it, preserve it and co-exist. What else?’

The girl scratched her head, then looked around herself to find more clues. When she came up with nothing, she looked dejected.

‘It’s fine. You did well. But to me, the most important thing is the intelligence and humanity of these non-human creatures. Look at these animals - they don’t hunt for fun. They don’t hunt because they want to torment other beings. They only hunt when they are hungry, only to survive. At other times, they co-exist. Humans can learn so much from them. To live and let live.’

Malli nodded appreciatively.

‘Look at these trees. They give us shade, food, wood. They hold the soil together so there are no landslides. And their leaves and seed give birth to new trees. Nature is like a mother. She just gives and gives endlessly, while we don’t understand the value of it or respect it enough. It give us birth, nourishes us, provides for us, and we don’t even take a moment to appreciate it. Remember this Malli, always be grateful for this amazing place we call home. This is the most breathtaking creation of god, we are nothing in front of it. We are fighting for our right to live freely in our home, our forest, to die peacefully here, and be one with nature once we are gone.’

Malli listened with rapt attention, amazed at the wisdom of her Anna. In that moment, she closed her eyes and prayed to Mother Nature . For the tribe. But particularly for her Anna. For him to have a life outside of just being a protector. For him to have some semblance of peace and joy and happiness for himself, not just for the others. 

He was the best man, the best person she knew. To her, and to the rest of the tribe, he was a superhero. But the superhero also had his weaknesses, his troubles, his fears. He was no god. She wished the tribe stop treating him as one. So her Anna could live a little. 

One day, when she grows up, she will do what she promised today. Take care of him.

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More people should take care of Bheem, shouldn't they?

Hope you liked it. As always, would love to hear your thoughts :)

@irisesforyoureyes @rambheem-is-real @thewinchestergirl1208 @eremin0109 @eenadu-varthalu @rorapostsbl @yehsahihai @budugu @maraudersbitchesassemble @justmeand-myinsight @rambheemisgoated @rosayounan @jrntrtitties @obsessedtoafault @rambheemlove @jjwolfesworld @alikokinav @iam-siriuslysher-lokid @bromance-minus-the-b @dumdaradumdaradum @lovingperfectionwonderland @annieginny @chaanv @ssabriel @milla984 @kaagazkefool @boochhaan @mesimpleone @filesbeorganized @ladydarkey @teddybat24 @stanleykubricks @burningsheepcrown @veteran-fanperson @ronika-writes-stuff @beingmes-blog @yonderghostshistories @nisreenart @chaidrivenwhore @bheemaxrama @carminavulcana @umbrulla @mizutaama @rosefulmadness @gifseafins @fangirlshrewt97 @astrafangs @sada-siva-sanyaasi @voidsteffy @stars-in-the-distance

[ronaldofandom]

A Love Eternal / Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

Chapter 11 is up, after almost a month!

The last chapter destroyed me, needed time to recover. But here we are - this is the aftermath of the fight. Stuff gets real for them, and they learn to navigate the highs and lows of a relationship. The dynamics are BheemJenny, RamBheem, RamJenny and BheemMalli.

No warnings.

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Chapter 11

(Links to Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8, Ch 9, Ch 10)

Jenny’s initiation - her real initiation into her new life, began from next morning. And the girl put her whole heart into it.

First order of business was her clothes. She wasn’t fully comfortable wearing the attire of the tribal women, not yet at-least. She wanted something that covers her up more. It was decided that her long skirts and tops would suffice for now, with a little adjustment. Sita helped her shorten the length of her long skirts a bit, so the movement is better at uneven surfaces, especially during some hikes. They also shortened the sleeves of her tops, to better suit the weather.

Next up was basic kitchen training. Sita and Loki determined a step-by-step schedule for her. Jenny had never even entered the kitchen in her previous life, so the women decided to take it slow. The first steps were just identification of raw materials/ingredients, how to light a stove, how to handle the hot cooking equipment etc.

The women found Jenny to be an extremely enthusiastic and obedient student. She had borrowed a notebook & pen from Ram and religiously took notes of everything. She didn’t want to put her teachers through the trouble of repeating stuff for her. And she also knew that she won’t be able to retain everything just with memory, especially the names of ingredients. Making thorough notes and revising them a few times during the day seemed the best way for her. Both Loki & Sita found it extremely endearing and took the younger woman under their wing.

Bheem hovered around them the first day. And hissed from behind every time Jenny was close to the fire. Making her nervous; the pot nearly dropped from her hands. Loki took the executive decision of shooing Bheem out then. Sita agreed wholeheartedly. Bheem was forbidden from being anywhere around them while Jenny was being taught. He protested, but the women paid no heed. Before leaving the hut, he took one last look at Jenny, who was quietly watching the scene unfold from the side. She mouthed ‘sorry’ at him apologetically, and that was the last he saw of her till evening.

One could call it a blessing it disguise. Their emotions were still very raw from the fight. The weight of certain words spoken in anger & frustration still hung heavy between them. Being alone with each other became slightly daunting, at least the first few days. The silence from the unsaid words turned increasingly deafening. Both looked at each other longingly when they thought the other was not noticing, but were unable to hold each other’s gaze for more than a few seconds. 

The first night, Jenny had asked him nervously if it was ok for her to still apply the ointment on his scars. Or if he wanted to do it himself. Those were the only options since the others were still not privy to the extent of his injuries. Her tentativeness and small voice had tugged at his heart. She was seeking permission for something they had just taken as a given. Bheem removed his kurta and stood in front of her wordlessly. And she went back to the earlier days, of applying the potion mechanically and distantly, willing her heart to not feel anything from their proximity. 

It was the first time they slept on their sides but facing away from each other. Pretended to sleep rather. Because sleep didn’t come easily for either. 

After a week of such nights, Jenny couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t healthy; they had to talk sometime. And not this superficial talk they had been doing but the real core stuff causing this chasm between them. She turned around with determination.

‘Bheem?’ 

She touched his shoulder lightly. He turned on his side, facing her now.

‘Kya hum….us din ke baare me baat kar sakte hain?’

(Can we….speak about that day?)

She didn’t need to say which day. He understood. And was immediately anxious, looking for ways to escape. He was shocked at both their words that day, at how they had been capable of hurting each other so deeply. No part of him wanted to revisit or relive that.

She saw the reluctance on his face and tried to address that.

‘How will we ever be able to move ahead without talking? We will just be stuck in this limbo and keep getting hurt.’

Bheem huffed in resignation. He was still very uncertain but he knew they couldn’t brush it under the carpet forever. It would destroy them from within. It had already started to. He nodded unwillingly. She decided to take that as a yes.

Jenny didn’t want to beat around the bush. She picked up the second most sensitive topic from that day. Her hand moved to her belly as she held his gaze.

‘Aisa nahi hain ki main ye nahi chahati. I love kids. I always saw myself as a mom one day. But Bheem, mujhe thoda waqt chahiye. Aur koi wajah nahi hain jo tum soch rahe ho.’

(It’s not that I don’t want this. I love kids. I always saw myself as a mom one day. But Bheem, I just need some time. There is no other reason, nothing like what you are imagining.)

He heard her out attentively. Then moved his hand over hers on her belly, and stroked it affectionately.

‘Par kyu, Jenny? Agar hum ek doosre se pyaar karte hain, ek doosre ke saath rehna chahte hain, toh fir ye hichkichahat kyu? Kudrat se ye khilvaad kyu?’

(But why, Jenny? If we love each other, if we want to be with each other, then why this hesitation? Why not let nature take its course?)

She noticed how he prefixed ‘if’ with ‘loving each other’. Almost as if two people could only truly love each other if they wanted a child together immediately. As if that was a pre-condition of being in love.

She tried to remain calm, and gave it another shot patiently.

‘Pehle apna khayal rakhna toh seekh lun Bheem, tabhi toh iska khayal rakh sakoongi na.’

(Let me learn to take care of myself first, Bheem. Only then I will be able to take care of our child, right?)

He scooted close to her and stroked her belly again, giving her a sweet smile. 

‘Jaan, iska khayal rakhne ke liye main hoon na. Yaha ke sab log hain. Sab tumhara aur iska bohot khayal rakhenge.’

(Sweetheart, you have me to take care of our child. And everyone else here. Everyone will look after the two of you so much.)

Jenny knew Bheem wasn’t patronizing, patriarchal or pedantic. But she couldn’t help but feel that sentiment from his words. As if he was telling her to just listen to him coz he knew best. Because he was a man after all, so of course he had all the answers. She wished he would just keep his problem-solving savior self aside and just listen to her fears, and her opinions once.

Bheem saw the irritation and defiance written large on her face. He removed his hand from her belly. His smile withered away too. It’s not like he was always set on having kids. Yes, he had always liked kids, but he never really had the mind space to think that way about his own family. 

Then came Jenny, and his world turned upside down. He had found his home, his love in her. She was the centre of his universe now and he couldn’t imagine not having everything with her. Everything that two people in love have with each other. Plus, he just knew in his heart that she would be a fantastic mother, with her empathy, love, wisdom and care. And he would spoil the kid rotten, like he did for the other kids here. They could really have it all. God had blessed them with such love.

Therefore, it flummoxed him no end why she was hesitating so much. If she looked around her, both here and in her previous world, many women her age had become mothers. He knew that. Age could not be an issue then. And her best friend here, Sita, would have loved to be a mother like yesterday. He knew that too. So the only explanation in his mind continued to be that she didn’t want anything permanent to tie her down to this place. And….to him. Which broke his heart a million times.

Her heart was breaking too by looking at him. She wondered if she was depriving him of his destiny. He was born to be a caregiver. She knew he would be an amazingly loving dad. If he loved her so much, he would love his child to the moon and back. But he was stuck here with her - paranoid about her safety all the time. And she couldn’t even give him what any other girl here would have given him happily & readily. Was she being fair to him? Maybe not. But if she gives in, she won’t be fair to herself. 

Jenny was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She knew how paranoid he would get if she does get pregnant. He would probably not even let her out of bed or out of their hut. She couldn’t have that, not now. Not when she was just starting to find her feet.

Yes, she should have discussed this with him earlier and he should have a say in the matter. But shouldn’t it be her call finally? It was her body after all that would nurture the baby for months before and even after. She needed to know she was ready for the role. And right now, she wasn’t. That was the simple truth. And she wished he could see it from her lens.

Neither knew what else to say. So silence took over again. And sleep took over after some time. Restless sleep, given their restless hearts.

The next morning was supposed to be the start of her field training, starting with the knife that Bheem had carved for her.

But Bheem fussed over her endlessly and screamed far louder than her when she accidentally dropped the knife which nearly hit her toe. His antics were making her fidgety. All heads turned towards them and Jenny wanted to die with embarrassment. Ram was observing the drama from a distance; he had an inkling this is exactly what would transpire. He got the others to get back to work and walked over to the two lovers.

‘Bheem - I think I should be the one to teach Jenny. Not you.’

Bheem turned and gave him an ultra irritated look. Before he burst into his rant, Ram interrupted him.

‘Um, Jenny, I think Sita is looking for you. She wanted to show you something from her experience of learning to handle the knife.’

Everyone saw it for the charade that it was but Jenny was grateful nonetheless. She knew Bheem’s next step would have been to turn around and ask her who she wanted to train with. And she couldn’t not say his name, it would hurt him too much. So she nodded briefly at Ram and walked away, leaving Bheem staring after her retreating form. He didn’t stop her either, because he didn’t want her to see him scream at Ram.

The moment she was some distance away, he squared up to his Anna.

‘What the hell was that?’

Bheem’s tone was laced with pent up annoyance, which Ram sensed.

‘Bheem. Before you go all berserk, pls just hear me out. It’s better if I train her because you are too involved. You are not being able to look at her dispassionately, like any other student. It would be better if you leave this to someone else. And if not you, the next best person here would be me.’

Bheem just stared him down throughout, only registering half of what Ram said. His conscious mind was able to appreciate the logic in Ram’s words but rationality wasn’t at the forefront right now for Bheem.

‘How could you, any of you, claim to know what’s best for her, more than me? HOW? What the hell is wrong with all of you?’

Ram dragged him to the side and just let him rant. He knew this outburst was long overdue.

‘First Loki. Then Sita. Now you. Why are you all trying to keep me away from her? Is the distance between us not enough already, that you are taking away the avenues where we can still talk like normal people? Where the silence and awkwardness hasn’t taken over? Why are you all set on taking that away from me? WHY?’

Ram heard him out patiently and understood that this ran a lot deeper. He saw the fear, the confusion and the crumbling helplessness in his precious friend’s eyes. And got into a protective elder brother mode. 

‘My sweet brother - no one is trying to keep you two apart. We can all see how much you love each other. And how much you both are hurting right now. Bheem - don’t be me. Don’t let this fester. I have ruined a lot of things by not sharing my feelings with my loved ones but please, don’t make the same mistake. It will destroy all good things you have. I can’t see that happen. Not to you.’

Bheem continued to look broken and directionless. Which made Ram hold his shoulders and jerk him lightly.

‘You have a great thing going on here. The kind of deep, passionate, all-encompassing love that very few in the world ever experience. Fight for it, my friend.’

Bheem looked up at him then.

‘Fight for it? Oh, we are fighting for it everyday. But we never fought WITH EACH OTHER before. Nothing like this. And…..and….I am scared, Anna. I don’t know how to come out of this. How to deal with this. I don’t know what it means for us from hereon. I can see I am hurting her, and it’s killing me. I want to run to her, to hold her in my arms, but a part of me now wonders, what if she doesn’t like it deep down? What if she doesn’t really like being close to me, and she resents our intimacy? And that’s why she said what she said?’

Bheem held his head in his hands in frustration. Ram had realized something of this sort had been said between them. But he hadn’t asked for the details. And Bheem hadn’t shared either. Ram knew that when it came to Jenny, Bheem had certain boundaries. 

Bheem continued his ramble, not realising what he had just said.

‘One day, soon, it will just get too much for her. It won’t be worth it. I won’t be worth it - the stupid idiotic mess that I am. And then….she would just leave…..and take my heart with her.’

Ram hugged his distraught friend who was close to tears and Bheem rested his head on Ram’s shoulder, accepting the comfort readily. They stayed like that for a while, and Ram gently stroked Bheem’s back as Bheem plopped forward on his chest, devoid of his usual spirit.

‘Bheem - look at her. Just turn around and look at her once. Please?’

Bheem obliged. They both looked at Jenny, who was carefully making notes of everything Sita was telling her on the art of camouflaging a knife. 

‘Tell me - does this look like someone who is planning to leave? She fought with you because she wanted to become one of the people here, not the other way round. Is that a sign of someone who is having any second thoughts? All this is in your head - and you will push her away if you don’t let it go.’

Bheem kept looking at her. At the dedication and determination evident on her face. At the half smile she gave Sita every time the older woman tried to cheer her friend up. Ram was right - he needed to talk to Jenny on what was killing him from the inside. He will have to conquer his trepidations of what such a conversation could lead to. He needed to believe in their love to get them past this. And heavens knew that their love was strong enough.

‘So, is it settled then? I will train her and not you?’

Bheem continued looking in her direction while responding back.

‘Yes, it makes sense. But there better not be a single scratch on her, Ram.’

Bheem walked away. It took Ram a good two seconds to process that Bheem had called him by his name. He recovered and called out to Bheem’s retreating form.

‘Oh, there will be a scratch. Scratches, rather. Plural. That’s how people learn. That’s how you and I learnt. It won’t be any different with her. Get used to that, you blithering fool.’

Bheem didn’t turn around to acknowledge that. He just huffed some more but kept walking away.

And Ram walked towards his new pupil. Someone who wasn’t particularly fond of him. This was going to be fun. 

Jenny met him half way and nodded in Bheem’s direction.

‘He is upset, isn’t he?’

Ram nodded at her.

‘Could he at least see the sense of why he shouldn’t be the one training me?’

‘Partially, yes.’

Jenny continued to fidget with her fingers.

‘That’s something, I guess. Thank you for doing this, Ram.’

‘No problem. However, I have been warned to make sure there are so scratches on you from the training. For both our sakes and his too, let’s try to keep that up, yeah?’

That earned him as genuine a smile as possible, given the circumstances.

Her training began, and Ram was increasingly impressed with Jenny with each passing day. He loved her habit of making thorough, detailed notes - exactly like him. He started to admire her sharpness, dedication, and spirit. She was a lot like Sita in that way. Of course, this was all so new and so radically different from anything she had ever seen, so Ram was also fairly patient with her. But she was clear that she didn’t want any special or different treatment, and Ram honored that request.

On one such afternoon, after they were wrapping up, Jenny sought out Ram.

‘Umm….I wanted to get your opinion on something, Ram. May I?’

Ram was curious. What could she want to talk to him about? He nodded nonetheless.

‘I have a lot of estate in my name in England. There is still a huge part which will be transferred to me once I get married, but without that also there is a fair bit. I want to help out here, and that money could be significant in your movement. But…I don’t know how to talk to Bheem about this. I don’t want to offend anyone in any way. I just want to help. Do you think this makes sense?’

Ram pondered over it practically, keeping aside the moral aspect. But he came up empty handed.

‘If you try to sell the estate or route some of the money here, it can be traced back to you. Even if we try multiple intermediaries in the middle. And even if we break the amount into smaller bunches, a figure like that would be noticed. Worst case, you can be charged with treason against the British empire. And at the very least, they will find you and take you away. Bheem will never take that chance.’

Jenny nodded half-heartedly - disappointed that she couldn’t help out even when she had the means. Such was her destiny.

Bheem and Jenny barely saw each other during the day now. From her daily classes with informants and kids to her two trainings to Bheem’s schedule, they were together only during the nights.

They both missed each other, immensely.

On one such night, Bheem had retired to the bed early, extremely exhausted from his day. Jenny was still wrapping up some minor chores. She felt his eyes on her throughout, but she carried on, not making it obvious that she could feel his gaze on her even without looking back.

Bheem couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She was beautiful on all days, but she seemed to be glowing tonight. Something about this new routine was working well for her. Maybe it was just contentment.

Bheem had been working up the courage to speak to her, to follow Ram’s advice of not letting this distance become permanent. Tonight seemed a like a good night for it. His heart was yearning to hear her sweet voice.

When she came to bed, he reached out and held her hand, holding it close to his chest. He was rewarded with a brief smile in response.

‘Kuch kehna chahata hoon, us din ke baare me. Keh dun?’

(I wanted to say something to you, about that day. Should I?)

Jenny braced herself and nodded in affirmation. They hadn’t spoken about the most sensitive topic from that fight. She knew it was eating away at him, and was causing this distance between them. She also knew that conversation could go anywhere. So she took a deep breath and waited for his next words.

He couldn’t meet her eyes, and chose to gaze at their entwined hands.

‘Pehle toh, jaise maine tumhara haath pakda, uske liye main bohot sharminda hoon. Mujhe koi haq nahi tha tumse is tarah….tumhe apni palkhon pe bitha ke rakhna chahta tha, aur tumhe khud hi chot pohocha di. Agar ho sake toh mujhe maaf kar dena.’

(First of all, the way I grabbed your wrists that day, I am very sorry about it. I had no right to treat you that way. I wanted to take utmost care of you, and ended up hurting you myself. If possible, please do forgive me.)

Jenny covered their joined hands with her other hand. She was taken aback that day - not just by his near manhandling but also the way he had raised his voice at her. She knew it was most unlike him, and wanted to get to the bottom of what happened.

When he told her about the nightmare earlier that morning, and what he felt when he couldn’t see her anywhere, she connected the dots. His extreme reaction was starting to make sense. And the fact that he was willing to let go of his paranoia about her, despite his deep-rooted fears, she appreciated that even more now. 

But the elephant in the room had still not been addressed. When Bheem looked at her with a pained expression, she knew what was coming next. She squeezed his hand in assurance.

‘Jenny - tumhare paas aana mere liye aasaan nahi tha. Maine bohot socha, khud ko bohot roka. Hamesha yahi laga ki main tumhare layak nahi hoon. Jab humare pyaar pe vishwaas hone laga, tab bhi tumhaare paas aane me ek hichak thi. Ki kahi tumhe chot na pohocha du.’

(Jenny - it wasn’t easy for me to come close to you. I thought about it a lot. Held myself back a lot. It always felt like I would never be good enough for you. Even when I started to believe in our love for each other, I still hesitated to come near you like this. Didn’t want to hurt you in any way, physically or emotionally.)

She saw that he was part shaking while saying all this, and she scooted closer to him to run her hands over his arms and chest. She was going to take that liberty right now. He didn’t resist. 

‘Darr lagta tha - ki tum ye na socho ki main sirf yahi chahata tha. Ki mera pyaar sirf ek bahaana tha, aur aakhir me mujhe yahi chahiye tha. Isliye maine sab se humaare rishtey ke baare me pehle baat bhi kari, jis se main tumhe bata sakoon ki mere liye is rishtey ki kya ehmiyat hain.’

(I was afraid - of you thinking this is all I wanted. That my love was just a ruse, a means to this end. That’s why I spoke to the tribal council first about our relationship, so that I could show you what our relationship means to me.)

His eyes, which had turned moist long ago, couldn’t hold his emotions back anymore. The dam of his tears broke loose, sweeping her with them. She hugged him tighter, and he cried in her arms. 

‘Tumhara is tarah se….faayda uthane ka…main kabhi sapne me bhi nahi soch sakta Jenny. Phir jab tumne woh……woh baat kahi….main toot gaya. Humara rishta itna chota, itna kamzor toh nahi tha na?’

(To take…advantage of you like that…I could never even imagine that in my dreams, Jenny. When you said…that thing…..it broke me. It killed me. It felt like our bond was reduced to something so small, so weak, and so cheap.)

His sobs and hiccups cut through her heart. But she willed herself to not cry. She had to be strong for both of them right now, even though she felt like the most horrible excuse for a human being. To reduce this pure man to such a mess. All because of her words. 

‘Bheem. Bheem - look at me. Stop crying, look at me, sweetheart, please.’

His face was hidden behind his hands. She coaxed his hands away and kept them on her waist. Cupping his cheeks, she looked deep into his tear-stained eyes.

‘I did not for a second imply that you did anything I didn’t want. My love - every moment spent with you has been the best in my life so far. Only thing as good would be a memory we would make together in future, because nothing in my past compares to this feeling. This sense of elation, comfort, safety, warmth, giddiness, LOVE that I feel - it’s all because of you. Every time you touch me, I feel like I am on the top of this world. There is no better feeling, it’s not possible. Being worthy of your love has made my life worth living. Please, please, I beg you, it’s not what you think. I don’t know how to show you this, but this is the only truth.’

The depth of compassion in her voice resonated with him, and he stopped crying.

It struck her then, that she could actually show him what she felt. She reached inside her pillow cover and took out four photos. All of Bheem. These were the only photos she had carried with her when she left the palace.

Bheem was mesmerised by the photos, and forgot his sadness briefly. The only photo he had ever seen of him was in the ‘wanted’ posters that the British had put of him. But this was different. The material felt so sleek, so silky. And it was him - laughing and smiling and dancing in the photos.

The first photo was of him in the bazaar, when Jenny met him for the first time. She had taken it when he wasn’t looking and was busy showing her around. He was Akhtar to her back then. The second photo was of them doing waltz - his arm on her waist. The third was of them dancing like crazy people, along with everyone else. And the last was of Bheem rejoicing when he was the last man standing after the dance-off. He didn’t know Jenny was cheering for him there - but he saw it in the photo, her jumping in the back when he won.

These were the only photos she carried? And kept with herself so safely? All just memories of him? He felt a sudden bout of emotion take over himself.

Jenny was watching his face closely as he processed the meaning of those photos. She wanted to show him that she thought about him as much as he thought about her, if not more. That he was her only precious memory. That she talked to these photos while he was away. And she had started talking to them now again, because even though he was here with her physically, he hadn’t really been with her since the fight.

Bheem was too overcome with love to form any words. So he decided to act instead. His arms tightened around her waist and he crushed her to himself. Jenny wrapped her arms around his neck, soaking in his proximity after what felt like an eternity. He buried his face in her long neck, taking in her sweet scent. But when his lips moved up her jaw, trying to find hers, she covered his mouth with her fingers, just in the nick of time.

Reality hit him then, and he pulled away. They both knew he wasn’t ready, not yet, and would kick himself if anything happened tonight. Bheem sighed loudly and plopped down on his back, covering his face with his arm, recovering from the rush of emotion that had taken over his body. When he calmed down, he told her gently that it would be best if he slept on the floor tonight. She understood, and didn’t protest.

It took every bit of his self restraint to stay away tonight. Knowing that she was so close, that he could kiss her right now if he wanted to. That he could shower himself in her love and comfort, that she would readily open her heart to him. If only he hadn’t turned into a bundle of insecurities.

The next few days were better. They talked to each other, smiled at each other, gazed longingly at each other, held hands. They even hugged one or two times, which felt like a new rush all over again. 

They needed one final push, to finally run into each other’s arms again. And the push came from the most unexpected source.

Malli cornered Bheem one day, after her class with Jenny.

‘Anna - I want to talk to you. Now. Sit here.’

She pointed to a spot. Bheem sat down and Malli settled on his thigh - facing him seriously.

‘What is going on with you?’

Bheem had had a long day and was flummoxed by her question. And her pointed stare. 

‘What are you talking about Malli? What do you want?’

The child’s gaze and intensity did not waver.

‘It’s not about what I want. It’s about what you want. Do you want to be with Jenny akka or not?’

Bheem sighed. She was getting far too observant for her age. 

‘Malli - it’s not that simple. And it’s not something for kids to understand.’

Malli huffed in his lap. Bheem saw how she had learnt that from him. But he didn’t dare to smile at her antics.

‘Not that card again. Sometimes kids can understand more than you think. And I am smarter than the other kids. So, point proved. Now - give me a yes or no answer.’

Bheem started thinking about the question. But there was nothing to think really. There was only one answer to this.

‘Yes. Yes, I want to be with her.’

Malli clapped happily.

‘See, was it so hard? Did it kill you to admit this? Such drama you adults do for simple questions. Now - she wants to be with you too, right?’

Bheem had understood by now that there was no point in arguing with her. Getting straight to the point will wrap up this conversation sooner.

‘Yes - she does.’

‘And you two are all sad and grumpy because you fought right?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, why is it taking you both so long to make up and go back to all smiley and shy again? What are you, kids? Don’t you know how to make up after a fight?’

She smacked him across the face with logic. And Bheem felt more silly than a 9 year old. He could say it was complicated and could shoo her away by playing the adult card, but the kid wasn’t wrong. They had spoken about the most sensitive aspects. They had also progressed materially from the previous status quo, as was evidenced by Jenny’s training. Why couldn’t they sort out this emotional mayhem then? When they both wanted to. When they knew just the thought of not being together would rip their heart to shreds. When they knew that they would fight till the end of the world to be together. That there was only one way forward - to take this in their stride and move on. Fights happen in couples, it was a part of life they had to get used to. It didn’t have to feel so terminal.

Malli saw the thoughts dancing on Bheem’s face and gave herself a silent pat on her back.

‘You can say I am right. You don’t have to be so stingy with praise, like all adults.’

She added teasingly. And Bheem guffawed wholeheartedly.

‘Yes, you are right, you wise one. From now on, I will come to you for all advise.’

‘Great decision.’

‘Now - any suggestions on what I should do to make up?’

‘Tell her you love her. Simple.’

‘Hmm.’

‘You are not convinced, are you?’

‘I mean, I will tell her this. Ofcourse I will. But I want to do more. What should I do?’

‘I don’t know that. You think of something. You are the ADULT after all.’

Malli yelped when Bheem picked her up and threw her in the air.

‘Yes, I will think of something. Thank you, really.’

‘If you want to thank me, then I want to see her smile. And you too. I want to see you both happy again, Anna. I love you so so much.’

‘I promise - she will smile soon. As will I.’

‘Yayyyy.’

‘Now - off you go. I have some thinking to do.’

Bheem patted her head and Malli ran towards her hut, giving Bheem one final smile. And he went for a swim - to clear his head and to think of what he could do next.

When he returned later that evening to their hut, he found Jenny deep in thought. She had laid down a bunch of kitchen ingredients in front of her and was scoring herself on the names she got right, matching it with her notebook. Bheem stood at the door, smiling at her cuteness. Her determination to give her all in order to be a part of his life, it felt like a warm hug. A soothing balm to his erstwhile restless heart.

He kept a box on the windowsill and went to freshen up. They ate dinner together after a long time. Jenny told him about all that she had learned. She has specifically asked to learn how to make kheer, so she told him a surprise is coming soon. And Bheem told her about his day - the good & bad of it. He had started telling her more about the happenings there and his worries. They had both taken baby steps to get to a point where they could tell each other everything, without worrying about the consequences of it. 

When they were both changed for the night, Bheem pointed Jenny towards the box on the windowsill. She looked at it quizzically, trying to decipher the ingredients inside.

When she recognised it, her heart skipped a beat. And her body started to shake. Was she dreaming? Could it really be happening? Was she hallucinating or was it really a mixture of the same herbs she took from Sita after their intimacy? Why was he giving her this? Did he mean what she thought he meant?

Bheem saw the whole scene play out in slow motion, while standing a few steps away. 

‘Tumne sahi samjha - ye wohi hain. Ab tumhe baar baar Sita ke paas nahi jana padega.’

(Yes, this is what you think it is. Now you won’t have to go to Sita every-time.)

Jenny couldn’t look up from the box. Her mind and heart were both in disbelief.

‘Maine isme neem bhi daal diya hain. Us se sar dard nahi hoga, jo tumhe pehle hua tha ye lene par.’

(I have also put neem into it. That way, you won’t get the headache that you got earlier by having this.)

Jenny didn’t even bother to ask how he knew she got the headache. She had never told him about the herbs or that she had felt unwell after taking them. This man was just so observant and caring when it came to her, so of course, he had noticed it. She was still unable to form any words, or to look at him, still trying to grasp the deeper meaning of it all. Trying her best to not fill her heart with hope, till he says the words.

When Bheem realized her internal struggles, he walked closer to her and held her upper arms, making her look into his eyes.

‘Meri jaan - shayad main tumhari wajah, tumhari hichak na samajh sakoon, par mere liye itna kaafi hain ki tumhari yahi marzi hain. Mujhe sirf tumhara saath aur pyaar chahiye, baki sab toh hum baad me bhi soch sakte hain na.’

(My love - maybe I am unable to understand your reasons, your hesitation. But the fact that this is your choice, your wish, that’s enough for me. I respect that. All I want is your love. To be with you. Rest of it we can always figure out later.)

He had said it. Finally. She could see he meant business. For the first time since the fight, Jenny let herself go and bawled her eyes out. He gathered her in his arms and let her cry into his neck, as he stroked her back.

Jenny had refused to break down all this while. Not even in front of Sita, who had tried talking to her multiple times. She knew she won’t be able to handle herself if she goes into a meltdown. She knew it could be an existential thing for them. And she didn’t know for sure whether they would be able to come out of it. If she started crying over the realisation that her dream was over for good, that this world had not included her as it’s own, she wouldn’t know how to stop. So she had willed herself to not cry.

Until now. Her hands fisted in his kurta as he kissed the top of her head, rocking her back and forth. This was the first time Bheem truly realized how hard it must have been for her. She had left everything behind, for him. She was in a new place, a new world, amongst new people, with no one to anchor her, other than him. She didn’t have any familiar childhood spots to run to for comfort, other than the solace of his arms. And he had deprived her of all that, of himself, of his love. Guilt hit him like a truck for making her suffer for so long. He really should have resolved it sooner.

Bheem kissed her head, her hands, her face but she couldn’t stop crying. He carried her in his arms, sat on the cot, adjusted her in his lap, and rocked her back and forth. Still nothing. Her hiccups and sobs didn’t stop.

‘Jaan - bas. Please, bas. Aise toh main bhi ro dunga phir.’

(Sweetheart - stop. Please stop. No more. Otherwise I will start crying too.)

That made her look at him, and he started to wipe her face with the back of his arm. She let him fix her face, and she stopped sobbing after a few moments.

‘Tum rote hue bhi Itni sundar kaise lagti ho?’

(How do you look so pretty even while crying?)

She smiled and giggled at his obvious attempt to lighten the mood. He had heard that pearly sound after so long that it tugged at his heart. He kissed her face and arms all over, as he said his next words.

‘In aankhon ki chamak, in gaalon ki laali, in hothon hi hasi, in baahon ka sukoon, tumhare labon pe mera naam - ye sab kahi kho se gaye the. Bohot yaad aayi inki. Aur tumhari.’

(The shine in your eyes, the blush of your cheeks, the smile on your lips, the comfort of your arms, my name on your lips - it was all lost somewhere. I missed them. A lot. I missed you.)

Jenny kissed his forehead in response, and he flipped them on the cot so they were both lying down in each other's arms. Bheem leaned in and kissed her lips deeply, and she kissed him back with all her heart. The air was filled with love and longing of long-lost lovers reuniting.

When Bheem started to get on top of her, she stopped him with a hand on his chest. He wasn’t expecting to be stopped tonight, at all, and looked at her in confusion. She tried to explain to him that it was her time of the month. 

His face fell. Like that of a five-year-old whose puppy had just run away. Like that of a kid who was just told that Santa Claus was not real. Like that kid who had the keys to a candy store but was not allowed to taste anything. 

Jenny almost laughed at his expression, but she held back and tried to console him. He asked how far along she was, and she had to tell him it was just her first day. That he had to wait for at least 4 more days.

Bheem wanted to cry. He was convinced that the universe was conspiring against him. His mouth opened and closed like a fish, amusing Jenny infinitely. Who asked you to impose this celibacy for two weeks, huh? She wanted to tell him this but wisely chose not to.

They talked some more that night, and his mood got better as he heard the sound of her voice, her giggles. As he felt her close to him, tucked into his arms.

Because they were fine, now. They were better than ever before. 

.................................................

Phew, this was a ride. Hope you liked it. As always, would love to know your thoughts.

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