#bind //: ( shieldslinger :: there's that one you circle back to - for home )

[shellheadtm-a]

PRIVATE LIVES OF SUPERHEROES - TONY STARK’S NETFLIX EDITION FEAT. @shieldslinger [TEMPLATE]

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He slides up behind Tony while he's at his workbench, being very careful not to interfere with whatever Tony's working on. He very lightly kissed the back of Tony's neck as his hands came to rest on his hips, hiding a smile into Tony's shoulder. "Do you think when you're done doing R&D, you could spend some time doing research and development on me?" @shieldslinger​ / mom and dad are flirting again

He actually has to put down the wire snips, because if he’s not careful he’s absolutely going to take off one of his own fingers.  He’s not sure if it’s from trying to swallow back a surprised laugh at it, or the shock that Steve Rogers is trying to use a line on him.  It’s actually...Okay, it’s still not great.  It’s actually still pretty bad.  But he has argued and stands firm in his belief that it’s not the quality of the flirting from Steve that matters, it’s the earnest intent behind it that makes it so damned endearing.  With him he can’t be judged by how smooth it is, because if it were smooth, Tony would legitimately start to worry.  Decide it’s time for a skrull check.  Make sure he isn’t being whammied in any way.

It might be a little awkward and cheesy and just...Not at all applicable to anyone that doesn’t adore Steve with every atom of their being, but Tony loves it.  Lives for it.  Is secretly pleased as punch every time Steve gives it a go.

He reaches up behind him, resting a hand on the back of Steve’s neck and rubbing in small circles with his fingertips, humming in amusement.  “Are you kidding me, Winghead, you’re the subject of my next academic paper.  Steve Rogers: Perfection Cannot Be Improved Upon.  Gonna need lots of data, multiple rounds of experimentation so I can prove that my hypothesis is sound.”

[shellheadtm-a]

Steve x Tony @shieldslinger​ / send me a ship and-

Who asks the other on dates:  lbh with each other here, these are the kind of assholes that have an actual date night.  sometimes they even make it to it and do date things.  but also let's be honest with the fact they've been going on dates for years and were too dumb to realize it.  museums?  burgers and a movie?  you know they've done it, you know it was a date, and you know they had literally no idea.  because they're dumbasses. Who is the bigger cuddler:  with all the unnecessary touching that went on with them from like literally steve's first day out of the ice and you come into my home and ask that question?  as touchy as they were before (those sweet, sweet shoulder squeezes of validation) you know it's worse now.  movie night's probably a nightmare just because you know it's either bc tony's draped some part of himself on steve, or they're jammed so close together you couldn't squeeze a sheet of paper between them, or...listen.  when two tactile people love each other very much, they're probably really gross and annoyingly handsy, and i don't mean in the...gropey kind of way, they're just touchy.  all the time.  must toch.  plus they have a shitton of issues, which probably doesn't help in that either but eh. Who initiates holding hands more often:  there's a theme here, you know that right.  there's a theme here, because it's a theme in canon, and it's tony offering a hand up to steve.  like it's a thing, you know it, i know it, so if you don't think tony's needy hand holder in this relationship, you'd be wrong.  it's sad, he gets this weird little thrill at even being able to do that, and on the one hand...you gotta feel bad for him.  he'd take whatever steve gives him and tell himself that's enough and he's content with it, because it's steve.  but knowing steve's okay with it?  a religious experience.

Who remembers anniversaries:  well, it's not steve rogers, i can tell you that.  and you know what, that's okay, and that's fair, and tony loves him anyway.  he might be the man with a plan, but he's useless with a planner.  he gets caught up in things, it's fine, tony remembers for the both of them, it's why he has friday.  what i'm saying is the only one who really remembers any important dates at all is friday. Who is more possessive:  i don't know that...you could really classify either of them that way?  overly protective, sure.  clucky with mother hen tendencies, the both of them, yeah.  taking what they can of each other's time, even if it's just to be able to say good night and good morning, absolutely.  but i don't think...with who they are as people, they really can't be. Who gets more jealous:  which goes back to being possessive, right, like tony has a little jealous streak but it doesn't manifest blatantly as one.  two, they're public figures so...there's not a lot of room for jealousy there.  like captain america and iron man might be characters they play (which are still them, i know i've talked about it but bear with me, it's an idealized version of them, separate from the inner selves) but they're public, you know, they're superheroes, and there's an expectation you share each other with the job.  and with the people you save.  with the world, really.  i think it's more about taking what time they do have as steve and tony more than anything else. Who is more protective:  this is a joke, right?  this is a joke.  these two idiots would throw themselves in front of each other over and over and over again if you let them.  that said, tony's moreso.  and i'll tell you why.  everything he's done?  all the bad?  the times he's sold his soul?  was to keep steve - and their loved ones - safe.  or happy, in a situation where there was really nothing they could do.  every time.  or i'll go one better.  tony will absolutely trade his own life for steve's in the blink of an eye, because he's always believed between the two of them steve's the better man.  he's done it.  willingly.  without a second thought once he's made the decision to do it.  he probably has a "sacrifing myself for the greater good and especially steve" face.  i'd like to lie and say that he understands if something happened to him how badly it would hurt steve but...if it came down to a choice of tony dying if it meant steve would live, he'd trade himself in a heartbeat.  that's uh.  something he's working on (he's not). Who is more likely to cheat:  this really is a joke.  steve "my middle name is noble" rogers and tony "has been in love with steve rogers for years" stark.  like tony would never, ever, ever say it, but this is it.  i don't mean in some fatalistic way, and i mean he fully believes he has an expiration date so he wouldn't say anything anyway, but this is it.  steve's always been The One.  his Person.  never would happen, not in a million fucking years. Who initiates sexy times the most:  you would think the answer is anthony edward stark and in most cases you'd be right, but steve rogers is not most cases, it is steve rogers and the rules don't apply to him.  by which i mean surprisingly steve is the proactive one here, and i think it's because tony is...he is hesitant.  it's weird, he's pushy with his forms of affection and then he backs off in this arena but i would argue he's getting better about it, and that the only reason he is like that is because he doesn't...he's very careful with steve, really, he's still walking on eggshells a little.  give him time, the tables will turn, he'll be pouncing steve from dark corners like an overgrown house cat with the 3am zoomies and a need to fight. Who dislikes PDA the most:  they're not, you know, public yet.  so it's not like this is really a thing outside of their friends circle, and even then, like.  i'm willing to bet literally nothing has changed in the slightest except you might walk in on them smoochin.  oh, the huge manatee.  tbf, for some people it might be (clint, looking directly at you) considering who wants to see their parents doing that but you know.  tough tiddy.  anyway, they’re just...not really the type. Who kills the spider:  listen they know some spiders who are very good people, and it's not nice to talk about premeditated murder.  there is a strict catch and release program in place and by that i mean tony will absolutely release said spiders back with their people.  except nat, because she's scary. Who asks the the other to marry them:  steve's joked around about that once.  once.  and tony did not take it well with his past history of failed relationships.  not out of a fear of committment, are you kidding me, this is tony who makes being married a personality trait.  but because he thinks he's a jinx.  i can tell you one thing, it won't be him that asks, if they ever get around to doing something more official than cohabitating.  shaking up.  whatever you want to call it.  not unless it's a jokey thing that gets taken seriously (which would change his tune embarrassingly fast).  he's gunshy at this point.  he's been engaged a few times and it's telling that he doesn't have like three divorces under his belt.  and also they're still feeling out the new them, which is fine, it's good they're doing that.  but he'd say yes in a heartbeat. Who buys the other flowers or gifts:  the answer you're looking for is tony stark.  it is tony stark who does this, thank you.  it could be big things, like, i don't know, a mansion (hello, 890 5th avenue).  training robots for the gym that...no one needs to know the price tag on that steve's going systematically tear apart.  training scenarios for the danger room he's spent three days straight coding and putting together.  new uniforms.  or it could be little things like a book steve's been meaning to get and read or his favorite bagel or...either way.  it's just who tony is, he can't help it.  if he has it, he gives it.  honestly i feel like at some point steve's just learned to roll with it because there's no stopping it.  he's been doing it forever, since day one (hey guys, remember the cray mainframe?), but now he's signed up for no complaining so you know.  that's on him. Who would bring up possibly having kids:  said like it hasn't already happened.  it's steve, by the way.  it's 1000% steve and he's already done it and tony's giving ten million reasons why he shouldn't when he knows he's going to say yes, and so what i'm really getting at here is they need to start thinking nursery colors for the mansion, because they're not fooling anyone.  and they're gonna be amazing parents and that kid is gonna be the most spoiled, loved, protected baby ever.  she hit the jackpot and doesn't even know it.  this is also the only superfamily content i am here for.  just a dumbass, a himbo, and a superbaby.  also consider.  all the cute.  knitted things.  i demand cute knitted things, it's not up for debate. Who is more nervous to meet the parents:  that's...not an issue, for one thing.  for another, like.  literally their entire friends group are...all...the same people.  lbr there was literally a betting pool in place and i wonder who won.  it keeps me up at night, wondering who cashed in on tony and steve no longer being quite as big of a pair of dumbasses as they have been.  part of me hopes it was peter parker, i worry about you, spooder-min. Who sleeps on the couch when the other is angry:  tony uh.  will stay in his lab if they have a row but i can promise you he doesn't sleep much.  if at all.  it's part and parcel with the tony stark experience in this case.  he'll stay in his hidey hole and be sad because steve's mad at him, but won't do anything about it at first, just stay and be sad.  because he's sad.  and also Feeling An Emotion is hard and they don't know how to use their words. Who tries to make up first after arguments:  i'd argue 70% of the time it's probably tony.  like, they're both stubborn, we know that.  they both dig in their heels and think they're right, the other's wrong, and they're being stupid about it.  and about some things they're just literally never going to agree but don't know how to agree to disagree.  tony gets set in a rut and won't consider a deviation from what he's already decided is going to happen.  steve gets mulish and refuses to listen to another point of view.  they butt heads.  but honestly, at this point, at the end of the day (if he can stop sulking), after everything that's happened?  you know, at this point it's obvious that when they argue and stay mad, bad things tend to happen.  tony doesn't even have memories of the worst of it but he knows he took it badly, let's be real here (i say, like badly's not a hilarious understatement).  he may not apologize in a way that says he's wrong, but he may do it for helping escalate a fight.  bc, you know, blah blah, not half as good as anything as i am doing it next to you, blah blah, azure eyes, blah blah, good morning beloved. Who tells the other they love them more often:  honestly, now that those big scary words are out there, and there's no takebacksies in having said it, they've both been pretty free with them.  making up for lost time, i guess.  i think they have different tones, though.  tony's as free with those with steve as he's ever been with anything else.  he gives them...often?  and with no expectation of anything in return.  because that's how he's always been with steve.  and from steve like...a lot of time it seems like...as much as he says it?  it's a reassurance more than anything (because we know how tony is).  sometimes tony even lets himself believe it without second guessing himself.

[shellheadtm-a]

it’s shitpost o’ clock but listen.  as big of a cap stan as tony is, i can’t let the fact that this is and forever will be @shieldslinger‘s ringtone?  pass by without mentioning it.  

i mean tony’s out here basically loaning his boyfriend’s shit to museums anyway, has more cap coffee mugs than should be allowed, and has literally thieved shirts out of his closet (canonically).  of course he’s using the cartoon theme song for steve’s ringtone.

steve i am so, so sorry.  but you chose this life.  my one regret is that he can’t do this to bucky, too.

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger​ said ➔ pets the mustache  this is not what i wanted

“Et tu, Winghead?”

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger​ said ➔ wraps bodily around tony. arms, legs, he's holding on tight. no illuminati can happen if he never lets go

“Steve-”  Not that he’s against a good cuddle, because he’s really not.  It’s just that usually in this situation he’s the cuddle python and is not the one having the life squeezed out of him because it bears mentioning that while there’s only an inch or so in height difference, Steve is very big, and he is very strong, and Tony suddenly feels like a twig about to be snapped.  In, you know, a good way.  

Assuming being snapped like a twig can ever be in a good way.

It’s like being held against a solid brick wall, honestly.  And he could wriggle, sure, try to get free, but it’s not like he doesn’t know that’s basically a fruitless endeavour.  So he’s silent a moment, still, letting Steve take his cuddle, before he says, “I have to pee.”

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger​ / goes sulking in tony's workshop we knew steve looking for sympathy pets was coming

Yeah, he’s been expecting this, watching for it on the security feeds and hoping it happens before actual fighting breaks out.  It’s not like any of them are known for their even keel tempers and restraint.  And this is one of those ultra touchy subjects across the whole damn playing field, like tiptoeing around minefields - something he has a little experience in - and he has...Remarkably kept his mouth shut, his head down, and worked at disassembling a gauntlet from a suit he hasn’t touched in ages for an upgrade.  With the impending loom of starting the progress of moving things to the mansion in the next several months and setting up house in the new armory, it seems like a good idea to go ahead and do the touch ups he’s wanted to while he’s got time before they have to be packed up, get them as up to spec as he can.

It also serves as a great distraction from jumping into things.

And besides, shoving his nose into either side is asking to get bitten.  He knows this.  They’re all grown adults who can handle their business.  But he’s still not in the slightest surprised to hear the doors to the workshop slide open.  “Hey, FRIDAY, pull up the specs for the AQ11 gauntlet.”

He doesn’t wait for the schematics to pop up on one of the holoscreens, and instead spins around in his chair to face Steve.  He doesn’t see FRIDAY’s hologram wink out, but he can feel it, like static on an old tube tv.  That’s his girl.  It still kind of surprises him how flawless her coding is, how it’s far exceeded the initial parameters he’s set, because she can read a room better than he can.  He’s not sure when she managed to be more emotionally intelligent than he is.

“Hey.”  He bites his bottom lip a moment, because on the one hand, he kinda wants to ask if maybe Steve thinks he’s been a little hard on Clint.  But Clint and Steve communicate in their own way, and it’s like someone asking if Tony and Steve could please speak in full sentences when they talk to each other because they make no sense to anyone else in the room, only more volatile on a regular basis, maybe.  They’ll piss each other off and maybe not speak to one another for a while, and then something bigger than a squabble will come up and they’ll be fine again.  It’s the way things work.  It’s one of those things, you know, that if you’re outside of it you can’t really give your two cents without sounding like an ass.  And while Tony usually has no problem doing exactly that-

He pushes himself out of his chair and onto his feet, itchy to move around and satisfying the urge by standing, shoving his hands into his pockets.  Moreso when he rocks back on his heels slightly.  “You okay, Winghead?  You and Clint got, uh.  A little Defcon 1 there for a second.”

[shellheadtm-a]

He's been thinking about how to phrase this for a while, and it's not until it's late at night and everyone else has gone to sleep, Starbrand Baby included, that Steve slides over to Tony in his workshop, sitting close to him in a dilapidated office chair. Steve's quiet for a few minutes, looking at Tony's workbench without actually seeing anything before his hand comes up to rub across Tony's shoulder and down his spine. "I think we should keep her. The Starbrand girl."

“I thought that was the idea.”  He’d been joking when he’d asked Thor about it, he really had been, considering it seemed like the Avengers keeping her was a done deal.  And he gets it!  He does, they’re in a unique position to be of the most good, with a baby that has that kind of power; her terrible twos are, no doubt, going to be something to behold.  But she’s in good hands, between most of them, and hey, all those books Tony’s read with all the time he’s spent cuddling orphan babies are going to come in super handy, right?  They’ve got plenty that have no idea what to do with her beyond look at her like she’s some kind of strange new life form they have no clue about, but they’re nicely balanced out by those that do.  It’s gonna be fine.

He’d have argued, had he been present, that maybe the hollowed out corpse of a dead space robot is probably not the best place to keep a baby, and the North Pole leaves something to be desired, as far as interaction with normal people and socialization and actual scenery go, but considering he’d been spending some time as the world’s smartest caveman, well...He’s a little late on that front.  

Mephisto is such a dick.

He puts aside his tweezers for the moment, not admitting he’s leaning into the touch - and more specifically the warmth of it, he can’t seem to get warm enough now half the time - but doing so anyway, almost like a cat that wants the attention, wants the pets, but is going to complain about it the whole time.  “And we have really got to do better than go around calling her Starbrand Baby and Starbrand girl.  She needs a name.”  Not that he has one necessarily on hand for this kind of thing, or anything, he doesn’t actually go around collecting spare superpowered babies or whatever, but...It’s kind of dehumanizing, right?  Boiling her down to just her pre-known power set.  She’s not even eating mushy jar food yet.

Either way, it’s a point of consideration.  She needs a name.  And sure, they’ve put together a nursery that will probably be just fine, but he can see how each member of this dysfunctional little family is looking at it.  T’Challa is going to think of his people, first and foremost, and he’s a king, so that’s utterly understandable and completely expected.  Carol’s looking at the possible threat, which makes things a little squirmy on his own end, personally, but he gets that, too.  Thor is...Well.  Thrilled.  Overjoyed.  Has lit up like like the Fourth of July at the prospect of helping take care of her.  It’s actually disarmingly charming, if he’s being honest; he’s like an overeager and exceptionally oversized puppy at the idea.  He’s probably also in it for the puntasticness of being a literal god father.  Jen is...Well.  Hard to know where Jen is, honestly.  Robbie’s treating her like any other kid (which Tony will argue is good), and now...Now there’s Steve.  He knows, really, that Steve feels a level of attachment there.  How deeply and how strongly he won’t necessarily make a wager on, but he also knows how sensitive Steve can be, which means he’s probably incredibly attached.  It’s probably only by a miracle he’s not got the baby strapped to him at all times.  And he gets that, too, 

Steve’s the one that helped her into the world, so of course he’s...Attached.  Bonded.  Imprinted.  Whatever anyone wants to call it.  It’s kind of adorable, leaves Tony fuzzy in all kinds of ways he doesn’t want to bring up or even think too deeply about because it will take him down rabbit holes he has no business exploring, and also kind of sad, at the same time.  A consolation prize, really, for the real thing, maybe?  Which isn’t exactly the right phrasing, but her being an Avengers priority means it’s more duty and less...You know.  Raising a literal child.  It feels...It’s kind of wrong, on a lot of levels, teams come and go, and she’ll need stability.  She’ll need parents.  A home.  Not an ever-changing roster of people that look at her as one more thing you do as an Avenger.  It means for sure now that Steve’s in this to win it permanently, because he’ll have worked that out for himself.  And it means Tony can’t leave him to do it alone - wouldn’t - so it means misgivings and discomfort about being on a team again aside, he’s here for the duration, too.

“You know, we’re...”  He’s not really sure how, exactly to put that all into words, and sighs, leaning over to rest his head against Steve’s shoulder.  “Our friends are good people, right, it’s why they’re Avengers, but...This isn’t...It’s not a mission, you can’t raise a kid and expect her to be adjusted and not blow up the planet if she’s got...”  He waves a hand, indicating all of it.  The Mountain, the team, people with their own lives when they’re not pulling on the tights to punch frost giants and Celestials in the face.  Which is the problem, really, when it comes down to the fine print of it.  This is a kid.  It’s not something you get to pull off like a domino mask when the fight’s over, someone’s going to have to take up the responsibility of actually doing this thing.  Of deciding, Okay.  This is my kid now.  And sticking to that.  Committing.  Understanding this is adult and this is lifelong and this isn’t something you can hand back in like an identicard when you’re tired of it.

Which, it slowly starts to dawn on him, is maybe the point.  Of what Steve’s saying.  And when he considers it a moment, he’s not really surprised.  Not...Not on Steve’s end.  He knows better.  He’s got enough baggage any airline would charge him for it if he ever flew commercial.  It’s because of that baggage he considers smothering that little spark of hope that’s dared to stick its head up, because that is irresponsible.  That is a dream long, long dead.

So he falls silent himself for long, long minutes, eyes trained on the far while behind the table but unfocused.  Turning it over in his head.  Weighing pros and cons.  Knowing what it says that Steve’s come down here and brought it to him.  Knows what it’ll probably mean to say no, he can’t, he shouldn’t.  Knows the probability of things going horrifically if he says yes.  Wanting to say yes.  Wanting to say yes more than anything, that they should, but at the same time completely reeling away from the...The...Permanence of it, not out of any fear of committing, but a need to make sure anyone ever connected to him in any way always has plenty of outs.  A...You know, a baby ends those.  And a baby doesn’t have the choice.

He blows out a long, slow breath, realizing one hand has come up and tangled in Steve’s shirt with a white-knuckled grip, and forces his hand to relax, to drop away.  This is it, right, this is one of those big, huge adult decisions.  Where Tony can either be a pessimist or an optimist, where he can either hear what Steve’s saying in between it or not, where he can either acknowledge that he knows how hard it is, in general, for Steve to get around the personal things, or he can’t.  

“That is,” he finally says, slowly, thoughfully, “a...Big.”  One word, like it encapsulates the entirety of what he wants to say.  Not that he’s sure what he really wants to say, actually.  But it does just about sum it up, right?  Big.  Big big.  “A lot of things-” Everything. “-Would change.”  Whole threads of their lives would be rewoven, there’d be considerations there have never been need for, like...Babysitting, playdates, schools, and while that’s maybe putting the cart before the horse, it’s a logical leap for him to that from things like team meetings and actual work - because that doesn’t stop for Tony in any real sense ever.  He inhales, sharply, straightening and squaring his shoulders like he’s about to do something recklessly stupid in the field that has the highest probability of saving the most lives, his own excluded.  But it’s a hurried confession he tacks on, chancing to dart one look upward at Steve before letting his gaze drop back to the circuit board he’d been painstakingly putting together before Steve had come in.  “I’m terrified.”

@shieldslinger​ / oh is this...is this happening now?

[shellheadtm-a]

 “You pre-toast the bread, apply cheese, microwave.  Quasi-grilled cheese on toast.”

He's hopping on one foot as he takes off a boot. "Make two. Or three. And some of those whatchamacallits, the pizza bite things, I forget the name. I'm starving and I really don't want to put on a shirt just for food."

“I wasn’t-”  His plans have included keeping a shirt on for food in the form of delivery but...Also that’s starting to seem like a lot of work in the face of a post-battle crash.  There’s deciding what, and placing an order, and then having to go retrieve it from the lobby, and in the time it would take to do all of that, he can already be fed, done, and trying desperately not to fall asleep in the aftermath.

“Okay.”  He scrubs one hand over his face, and then starts rifling through the cabinets, pulling down what he needs.  Realistically, they could probably do a hell of a lot better if either one of them had any idea what they were doing.  Realistically, they should be able to do better.  In actuality, this was going to be stretching it all the way around to begin with, and no one’s allowed to complain if it’s not what they wanted.  Considering it’s just the two of them, that’s probably not going to be much of a problem, but he’s absolutely going to order real pizza later.  Because he can.

“The bagel bites or the pizza rolls?”  It’s said over his shoulder, as he starts slotting bread into the toaster, for step one.  “You know what, never mind, I’ll do both, I’m starving.”

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger​ said ➔ oh, i’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. schitt’s creek starter sentences / accepting

Oh, Lord.  He’s serious, isn’t he?  He’s actually serious.  Look, Tony’s not saying the idea that Steve Rogers (and by extension, Captain America) is some pure paragon of...Of...Chastity and whatever that unicorns would flock to, given the chance, is the right one.  He’s definitely not, he knows better.  Steve knows better.  The point is, there are people that know that this is decidedly untrue.  Steve...Steve definitely has his moments that catch even Tony off guard, Tony will fully admit that.

But at the same time...It’s Steve.  Listen, Tony loves Steve for a lot of reasons.  His courage, his refusal to back down in the face of danger, his need to believe the best in everyone.  His shrewd tactician’s mind.  His ability to see the bigger picture and know who should be where for what outcome.  His ability to rally the troops when all seems lost.  The way he intuitively grasps even Tony’s wildest technobabble ramblings without his eyes glazing over.  His dry sense of humor.  Even his infuriating stubborn streak.  The list literally goes on and on.  There’s a lot to love about Steve, and Tony’s a sucker for each and every reason.

But debauchery ain’t one of them.

And sure, okay, behind closed doors Steve can surprise him.  Get the jump on him.  Is more handsy than he’d have ever actually imagined when it comes right down to it, and it’s fine.  It’s great.  Tony ends up with more hickeys now (and more tactfully placed) than he ever had in his young and dumb late teens and early twenties before the landmine that put shrapnel in his chest, and that’s saying something, right?  It’s honestly surprising, he’s all apple pie and golden boy next door one minute and a literal Dyson the next.

But there are a number of things Steve literally cannot do to save his life.  Flirt.  Dirty talk, most of the time, though he’s been surprisingly savvy picking it up on sexting and Tony wants to know who he needs to give just loads of money to in thanks for that.  The verbal things get him hung up, every single time.  He’s not smooth, and that, in its own way, has a certain kind of charm.

Which is why he promptly snorts coffee right up his nose the second those words are out of Steve’s mouth.  It burns.  It stings.  He’s dying, and he manages to get his coffee cup on the coffee table without dumping it everywhere and without knocking anything in front of him off, and he’s going to count that as a win.  Jesus, everything’s gonna smell like Guatemalan dark roast for the rest of the day.

“Steve.”  And his voice is strangled, as he rubs at his nose with the back of his hand, to wipe away as much of the coffee as he can.  “Jesus, you need to come with a warning label.  You can’t just say things like that.  I could have died.”

[shellheadtm-a]

top of head kiss

See, this is what he’s meant by namebrand.  This is quality.  This is an inspected and FDA-approved smooch from Captain America.  Way better than the Spam Spread equivalent that is a Clint Barton smooch.

“Wait, that’s it?”

@shieldslinger​ / smooch him

[shellheadtm-a]

BAD PRESENTATION SLIDES / FEAT. @shieldslinger

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger​ / ❝ those are poisonous, you know. ❞ some meme doesn’t matter

“Then why are you constantly putting things in your mouth.”  Because Tnathas certainly isn’t sorting alchemical reagents for entertainment.  He can’t honestly count the number of times he’s turned around to see Sven shoving some bit of plant (or...worse) in his mouth, apparently both a masochist and having that alchemist’s predilection of discerning properties by mouth feel.

Or something.  Tnathas is not an alchemist, for the most part, he is a tonal architect, first and foremost, a spellsword second, and an alchemist a far, far distant third.  Even his cooking is worlds better than his alchemy.

But Sven is also colorblind.  It makes Tnathas feel better, doing this, instead of worrying he’ll put something truly vile in his face and letting it have some disastrous effect that he knows he, personally, is not a good enough potion maker to remedy.  He worries.  It’s a stupid worry, maybe, because he’s learned werewolves are incredibly hardy, sturdy to the point of ridiculousness, but it doesn’t make him feel any less like an overworked farm wife with an unruly toddler that happens to get fuzzy once in a while.  If not a farm wife with an unruly toddler, than definitely someone with a very badly behaved dog - Sven knows, he’s said as much to his face.  He doesn’t want to have to have what do you have in your mouth? become a part of their regular lives, if he can help it.

“I hope,” he continues, sorting mountain flowers by color on the table in the mage’s study, casting one longing look at the enchanting table as he does so, because he has so many things he could be doing there, but this is more important.  “You at least rinse out your mouth when you do that before you kiss me.  I can tolerate so much, Sven.  So much.  But giant toes and human hearts are not acquired tastes, they’re disgusting.”

And, if he’s being perfectly fair, that’s actually...Better than some things he’s seen happen at the College in Winterhold.  He’s not, of course, going to name any names.  None at all.  And certainly none that are distinctly Breton and belong to mages he’s bestowed with incredibly annoying nicknames.  But his point stands all the same:  He is absolutely going to put his foot down about this.

There’s a branch of thistle in the bunch, and he puts it off to the side, with the other singles and twos of other plants that have gotten mixed in with the flowers.  “I adore you endlessly, anyway, beloved, but I’m afraid duuma aren’t built as sturdy as you are.  So stop putting them in your mouth.”

And immediately makes a liar out of himself, leaning up with the expectation of being kissed.  After all, it’s the least he deserves for doing the boring parts of keeping an alchemist happy.  Well.  Second most boring, he’s not really interested in growing plants, either, but he’ll listen to Sven talk about them all day, if he wants.

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger / ❝ You think I’m stupid? ❞ locke & key: dissection

“I think you can be a stubborn pain in the ass, sure, but stupid?”  Steve Rogers, stupid?  Anyone - and Tony literally means anyone - who thinks that finds out swiftly that is definitely not the case when they get outmaneuvered by him.  And yeah, Steve can be a bit thick, maybe, when he digs his heels in over something and is sure he’s Right.  And sometimes he is right but Tony won’t say that.  Usually.  Without prodding.  And when he can’t see the advantages of coming to a compromise when it’s needed.  Steve is stubborn.

But stupid?  Never, in this life, has Tony Stark ever thought any such thing.  Can’t, he knows better.  Has known it from day one.  Because for as thick and stubborn and unbending and uncompromising as Steve can be, he’s keenly smart, in ways Tony’s not.  He’s a better leader, for one.  A better strategist.  A better man all the way around.  Tony’s never made any secret, at all, that he thinks that.  Tony may be a founding member, but there’s no Avengers - not really - if there’s no Steve.

This isn’t even a biased, has been in love with Steve secretly for years kind of opinion.  Plenty of people he can name off the top of this head think the exact same thing.  Steve is anyone with a brain’s first choice for something, even among literal gods.  Steve’s the one people rarely hesitate to listen to.  And Tony actually doesn’t need his genius intellect to understand that it’s because of who Steve is as a person, and that includes his smarts.  People wouldn’t do that for someone they considered an idiot.

And the biased, has been in love with Steve secretly for years opinion is that Steve is literally the best thing since sliced bread, and always has been, and always will be.

He puts aside his tablet, because he feels like maybe this is one of those conversations he should be giving his full and complete attention.  He doesn’t know, precisely, what’s brought this on, and that in itself is troublesome.  "I’ve never thought that.  Besides, I don’t fall in love with stupid people.”  There.  There’s an attempt at levity, as the corners of his mouth quirk upward briefly.

He holds out a hand, for Steve to take.  “What’s got you so blue, sunshine.”

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger​ said ➔ ❛ Rule two no more Spider-Man movies. ❜ the good place sentence prompts

Tony hums absentmindedly, more intent on stealing fries from Steve’s plate than he is Steve’s latest round of rules for movie night or...Or whatever this is.  He’s listening!  He is.  Kind of, but he’s also hungry, and either he can devote every ounce of attention to Steve and get crankier by the second, or he can listen with half an ear and steal fries from Steve.  There is no in between on this.

“You know, I’ve always wondered.”  He drags his ill-gotten fry through too much ketchup (too much being the opinion of everyone else, as far as Tony’s concerned it’s just right) and shoves it in his mouth, actually taking the time to both chew and swallow before continuing, already planning his next route of attack for another fry.

It’s not like they’re strangers to the idea of things like movies or tv shows or...Hell.  Tony’s still friends with Henry, and they’re the Doublemint twins; before everything had gone down the shitter with both of them drinking like they had been, Henry had been the fictional face of oddball Avengers benefactor Tony Stark on screens large and small.  There’s a musical about Tony, for God’s sake, much as he wishes he could forget it exists for a multitude of reasons.  There are oodles of Captain America movies from before Tony was even born.  It’s a weird but amusing side effect of what they do.

“Does he...Actually get royalties from that?  At all?”  His fingers do a slow creep across the table and he snags another fry like he’s actually doing anything at all stealthy and Steve can’t literally see very clearly what he’s doing.  “I mean, how many of those things have been made?  Why hasn’t he sued.  It’s a no contest, they’d settle quick unless he’s been signing dodgy contracts or something.”

He’s not casting aspirations on Spidey’s business acumen, of course, but one would think after this long either they’d have stopped making them or he’d have sued the shit out of them.  It’s what Tony would have done.  “I mean, it’s valid, right?  I want to know if we’re helping a down on his luck superhero?  Or are we helping to proliferate intellectual property theft.”

[shellheadtm-a]

@shieldslinger​ / a single, hand-knitted, sock, primarily purple and green, with bits of blue color design striped around the toes and the calf. it's left where he'll know tony will find it--as a reward for his restraint, with a hastily scrawled note on a post it: second sock as reward for good behavior this is extortion

It’s devious, for the simple fact that it may, in fact, be an effective approach.  Seriously, is he the only one that can appreciate the quality of a handknitted sock over a machine made one?  Maybe?  Because what good is one sock going to do when he has two feet.

“I’m never seeing that second sock.”  It’s said to no one, in no particular direction, but to himself.  He’s realistic; he’s never going to be able to resist the urge twice, especially if the next opportunity is also Clint.  And Steve - the ass - knows that.  Which makes this extremely unfair.  And while no one will ever accuse Captain America of being a quitter...He got that thing, didn’t he?  The thing, where you don’t make the other thing after you’ve made one, there’s a name for it but like he knows what it is.

Reward for good behavior Tony’s ass, Steve just doesn’t want to make the other one.