#bones rants🫀

[sveltemoss]

Trying not to 🦐 (krill)

myself over easter and passover and eating.

I'm going on exclusively low-cal liquids after this, that was working really well for me before. I'm mortified about what this is doing to my progress. I can't wait until I have excuses not to celebrate.

I need a partner that encourages me. I want to be controlled.

[sveltemoss]

I don't think my problem will he overeating. I think it's going to be convincing my family I don't have an ed. Everything out here is a fear food and the thought of touching any of it makes me want to peel off all my skin. I might genuinely be sick.

[sveltemoss]

I wish I looked as sick as I feel. Why do I have to be so goddamn weak?

[sveltemoss]

I would have tried harder if I knew we were being measured. I hate when it's a surprise.

I should be trying harder anyway

I'll make their measurements wrong. I'll be so much smaller. Fuck all the way off, "they always tell me I have a tiny waist" kys. Fr. All I get is "wow, long body" They'll all see. I'll make them worry.

[sveltemoss]

I haven't changed my habits, but I keep gaining. I was losing so well. What am I doing wrong? I'm going less. I need to do better.

[sveltemoss]

I hate this week. I feel like such a failure. I can't do anything right. I can't even ☆ve right. :/

[sveltemoss]

The goal is once again skinny for band camp.

I really want to pass out this year.

I want to have the feeling that my ex best friend gave me. She constantly took care of me and teased me for my health conditions. I hate her but I crave that feeling so so much. I need that encouragement. I need to show her how much worse I can get.

[sveltemoss]

I think my dad is catching on and it breaks my fucking heart. He keeps letting me choose what we have for dinner or asking if I'm going to be home ;-;

I'm trying to be disordered over here, please stop caring about me and making me feel bad about it.

It's killing me having to choose between hurting him or myself. I want this, more than anything. I've wanted this since I was twelve. But the look on his face when I make him sad hurts just as much. I can't fucking do this.

[sveltemoss]

Rest days are bullshit and able bodied athletes are cheating. I am just so damn frustrated.

[sveltemoss]

Something kinda shitty happened and I feel like I should be a lot more upset than I am but there's nothing. Why is there nothing? I've been looking forward to this for months and now I can't go and it's my fault but I just feel normal? empty? fuck.

[sveltemoss]

I need to get bad enough that they reach out to me so I can shoot them down. I want them to feel bad about what they did to me. I need them to blame themselves.

[sveltemoss]

My friend has really buff legs. He's really buff in general, but I'm focusing on that specifically atm. He's also pretty brightly coloured. I want to be his complete opposite. My aesthetics plus being bones. I want to be rail thin. I want people to watch us walking by and immediately think

"he could snap him in half"

[sveltemoss]

My mother wants me to go back to therapy.

Because of my obviously disordered behaviours that take directly after her?

No.

It's because I was fvcking stimming. I'm autistic and I was rocking in my chair. Wild fvcking concept. I can't believe this shit

[sveltemoss]

I hate myself for being jealous of the girl on my team that almost died. A lot of people (including myself) had to watch her get taken off the ice directly to the hospital. My coach takes ed stuff very very seriously because he was there that day, too. He cares about us a lot, we spend hours and hours a day together and he literally holds our lives in his hands sometimes on top of that. Training is my home. He is my home, so I'm trying to hide it from him as best I can. Him and my dad are the only people I care about when it comes to this. But still, I wish it was me. I wish I got that bad. I want to get that bad this year. He cares about me but I wish he cared more sometimes. I wish they saw how sick I am.

[sveltemoss]

I want to suggest hanging out with my friend. We haven't seen each other irl in two years. But I'm not small enough. I don't look sick enough and it's killing me.

[sveltemoss]

My mother said all she sees in me is bad grades and the need for a job. I'm going to run myself into the ground. I'll make her regret everything.