#booknerdofok

[booknerdofok]

The Heavy

I am a little sad today.  When I think about stuff, it is easy to get overwhelmed.  I think to not be sad a lot of the time requires some super hero level denial about stuff….or at least a super hero level focus on the good things.  I think that most of the time I fall into the latter coping situation.   

I know that I am in a sad place when I don’t know what to write.  I write, then erase, then write, then erase….nothing that goes on paper seems to truly capture the heaviness.  I just feel heavy.

Young men are dying for no reason….and they are scared beforehand because they know they may die….that makes it all so much worse…that they are scared.

There is so much noise available to us at any time, that we have to really work to find out what is true….not necessarily factually true, but emotionally true, spiritually true….authenticity is rare in a world where everyone is trying to get paid.

Butterflies and bees, abundant when I was young, are increasingly less so, sometimes a rarity that we have to work to attract.  We have plowed under their host plants and spray massive amounts of insect killers in our bid to own the world without regard to its cost…..because everyone is trying to get paid.

People are working their asses off, sometimes in two or three jobs, and are still hungry.Veterans, once lured in by honor to serve, or financial need,  live on the streets, hungry, without necessary physical and mental health care services, without care.

First responders from New York, once indispensable in the days of and after 9/11, are suffering and dying as a result of their service, and are now treated as disposable while politicians play games with their lives.

Everything is disposable except for what can be used as a weapon.

Tired of your dog?…its ok, just dump him/her and get another…. I mean it doesn’t have feelings or anything.  Dogs are disposable.

Don’t like that 80 year old tree in the backyard, home to wildlife, native to Oklahoma and necessary to the ecosystem?…..its ok, just chop it down and replace it with a tropical annual you saw in a magazine last year….trees and plants are disposable.

Don’t like your spouse, parent to your children, keeper of your secrets, once your best friend but not as fun as when you were in your 20s?...its ok, commitment is a lot of work and there are younger ones out there that won’t call you out on your bullshit….so just dump the current spouse and get a better one….commitments are disposable.

Upset that one of your children isn’t what you expected?  Not religious enough, straight enough, smart enough, skinny enough, good-looking enough to meet your standards?  Kick them out until they see the light, I mean it isn’t as if they are their own person or anything…..they are your property and must conform to your expectations and requirements….children are disposable.

Got a friend that has become kind of high maintenance lately?  Going through personal turmoil, maybe an illness, wanting to lean on you, depend on you, tell you what he or she is scared of?  Just send them an occasional inspirational meme on facebook and go hang out with that cool new person from work…..they are from an exotic place and seem to really have it together….most importantly, they are easy to be around and they don’t expect much from you….friends are disposable.

We just toss stuff away without regard for their value.  If it isn’t easy, we don’t want it.  I find it so peculiar how so many people lament about the lack of depth and meaning in their lives, they say they feel isolated and alone, but balk at the slightest inference that relationships require work…that friendships must be nurtured by both parties….that marriages, legal or not, require compromise and are sometimes hard, and sometimes boring, along with the passion and joy and grace.

Corporations decide what we watch on tv, what we listen to on the radio, what we see in many galleries and art shows….what we once took for granted, the availability of art for art’s sake, is now only found through intentional, sometimes near impossible, action and many times only available to those that can afford it.

Politicians that are supposed to be creating policy to benefit us, all of us, have now become culture leaders so that we reflect them, rather than them being a reflection of us.  What’s worse is that most of these politicians don’t really believe in anything other than the growth and retention of their own power.

We as a society claim to covet innovation, but have no tolerance for anyone different than ourselves.  Our schools discourage independent thinking, critical review of history, and even fail to share the ugliest parts of our history in order to foster homogeny of thought.

There is so much heaviness….so much that makes me sad.  However, it is the moments that I remember the intellectual rebels that exist out there that refuse to succumb to groupthink; the emotionally fortified that will continue to work at relationships even when it is hard, and love all creatures around them even when inconvenient; the spiritually anchored that value faith, of any stripe, that encourages compassion and service to others, both humans and non; the environmentally respectful that understand that all living things are part of a system that will benefit all members if care is also taken by all members; the artists that make art because there is no other way to live; the people who live true and honest and faithful and continue to persevere in spite of everything pushing back…..those moments are the ones that bring me back from the heavy….who bring me into the light….who remind me that I am not alone out here.  To you all, I thank you.