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aion-rsa · 4 years

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Happiest Season: The Problem With Harper’s Treatment of Abby and Riley

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I enjoyed and even loved Happiest Season, Hulu’s new lesbian Christmas romantic comedy. But like pretty much any queer person with a pulse and a Twitter account, I’ve spent the last week dissecting some of the more troubling aspects of a movie that was meant to be romantic escapist fun.

Some of its issues come from the structure of the film, which shoehorns very real queer struggles into wacky rom-com tropes too fluffy to contain the stakes at hand. Meanwhile the choice to have one half of the lead couple be so aggressively and repeatedly cruel—while her high school ex Riley, played by the ever-perfect Aubrey Plaza was standing right there having all the chemistry in the world with the other romantic lead—was a fatal one.

Like many queer movie fans, and made-for-TV holiday movie enthusiasts, I’ve been eagerly awaiting Happiest Season since it was announced last year. Clea DuVall, lesbian film royalty (But I’m a Cheerleader, Veep, Rory Gilmore’s wife on The Handmaid’s Tale), co-writes and directs a star-studded (and very gay!) cast that includes Kristen Stewart, Dan Levy, Victor Garber, co-writer Mary Holland, and token straight people Mary Steenburgen, Alison Brie, and Mackenzie Davis.

The movie promised a sweet, aspirational romance in the present tense with a happy ending for a wlw couple, which is sadly a rarity in film and television. Adding to the overall gay AF vibe is the soundtrack, the first ever to be wall-to-wall queers. (Check it out on Spotify, it’s pretty damn good.)

For the uninitiated, Happiest Season follows Davis’ Harper and Stewart’s Abby, with Harper introducing Abby to her family for the first time during, of course, the Christmas season. The twist is that on the ride over, Harper tells Abby that, jklol, when she told her last summer that she came out to her family and they took it great, that was actually a lie. She has not come out and since her father is running for mayor, she’s going to wait until after Christmas to come out.

Moreover, Harper lied about Abby, her live-in girlfriend, being gay too. So now they both have to pretend to be straight, platonic roommates while getting through the usual Christmas rom-com hijinks.

Where the script gets into trouble is that it doesn’t distinguish between Harper being closeted and her poor treatment of Abby. The two are separate issues and treating them as one does no favors to Harper, nor others struggling with the closet. As Dan Levy’s beautiful monologue late in the movie alludes to, the closet is a safety mechanism—but it’s not a free pass to treat people like garbage.

The closet didn’t make Harper send Abby to the mall with her scary sister. It didn’t make her text Abby to come hang out and then ignore her so she could drink with her ex-boyfriend. And it definitely didn’t make Harper tell Abby she was “suffocating” her.

Even a brief conversation teasing out that being in the closet doesn’t justify how Harper acted, and that plenty of people in the closet don’t treat others like trash, would have been important. Instead once Harper is out (which the movie takes pains to make clear only happened because Harper’s sister Sloane outed her), and a gesture so small it could never credibly be called grand is made, all bad behavior is washed away.

Sloane outing Harper is fine; Harper outing Riley when they were in high school, and abandoning her to the wolves, is fine; Harper repeating that with Abby at the white elephant party is fine; all the terrible ways Harper treated Abby, which are not acceptable treatment for a roommate either, are fine. And once he shows back up on Christmas morning, Harper’s father’s hesitation to accept his daughter and her girlfriend is also fine.

In a way, it’s the script’s biggest betrayal of both Harper and Abby. With Harper’s family accepting her with so little fanfare, it makes it seem like her fear was all in her head. When Sloane and Harper outing others is so readily forgiven, it sends the message that outing someone isn’t a big deal. With all real and imagined transgressions by and against Abby erased once she’s recognized the girlfriend, it makes it seem like she’s out of her mind. Get ready for a lifetime of gaslighting from the in-laws, Abby!

As Stewart told the Times, “Going back and forth from the comedy to being emotional or hurt was, like, traumatic for me. I would be mad at Mackenzie in the morning.” Performing this movie hurt, and for many, watching it hurt too.

The jarring underlying issue is that Happiest Season attempts to apply the standard rom-com and made-for-TV-holiday-movie tropes to queer life. So Abby having to go back into the closet isn’t framed as a painful regression or being forced to deny an essential part of herself, but rather a fun twist, in the vein of “but the guy she insulted on the plane is the owner of the ornament factory she has to impress to win the Christmas contest!”

Similarly, the idea of Harper and Abby potentially getting caught in Abby’s room together is meant to have the same wacky-sexy-naughty-fun vibe as when Courteney Cox’s Monica appeared from under Chandler’s covers during a surprise reveal on Friends. You can still hear the audience’s gasp as the two characters hide from her brother Ross. Except if Harper and Abby get caught, something terrible could happen.

All of Harper’s behavior adds up to making her feel like something the audience wants Abby to be free of, not someone Abby should be fighting for. Once Riley tells Abby about Harper’s cruelty in high school, where Harper outed Riley and mocked her rather than standing up for her or finding an excuse that protected them both, it becomes incredibly difficult to root for the lead couple to get back together, or for Harper at all.

With this information, Harper’s other transgressions go from frustrating to part of a larger pattern. Sadly, it’s a pattern Harper repeats when her sister outs her and she throws Abby under the (lesbian) bus.

In contrast, Riley connects Abby to queerness, bringing her to an LGBTQ bar to decompress and enjoy a Christmas-themed drag performance. It’s the most relaxed and comfortable Abby is on screen since the opening scenes, a chance to glimpse Abby’s authentic self before Harper summons her back to heterosexuality, and where she once again ignores and disappoints her. Riley actually talks to Abby at the various holiday parties whereas Harper keeps leaving her to please her family, especially her father. It’s not hard for the natural chemistry between Plaza and Stewart to take over, aided and abetted by Riley’s boss power suits and that fit from the white elephant party.

It’s possible to appreciate a movie and still want better from it, and for our community. Happiest Season feels like a stepping stone—a necessity to get us to a different (hopefully better) place in queer filmmaking. In Happiest Season, what romantic comedies usually play for as hijinks smacks a bit harder when underneath it is the reality that Harper’s family could disown her, or harm Abby, making it hard to enjoy the movie as it was intended.

For some viewers, especially those who are closeted, questioning, or who come from more conservative backgrounds and can’t or couldn’t count on a warm welcome, Harper’s story is especially important. Given the mainstream platform and plot, Happiest Season will reach far more straight audiences than the vast majority of queer cinema. Here’s hoping it opens the door wider for more diverse stories that resonate better with the community.

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lapsa-lapsa · 7 years

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'Downton Abbey's Rob James-Collier On His Tragic Hero Thomas Barrow, Dancing With Dame Maggie Smith And Waiting For The Next Role

Thomas Barrow didn't have much fun in the last series of 'Downton Abbey' - seeming to become a one-man focus for all the "changes" that needed to happen at the pile, and suffering a social exclusion that no amount of giving the little lords piggybacks could overcome.

Eventually, as viewers watched, horrified, Thomas took to the bathroom and was only saved from doing away with himself by the quick actions of his stalwart friend Baxter. We must cross our fingers and hope for a happier ending for the demonised under-butler by the time the credits roll on the Christmas special.

For actor Rob James-Collier, the outlook has been rather brighter, as he has become one of the breakout stars due to his striking role in this period piece, which has become a phenomenon on both sides of the Atlantic. And, as he tells HuffPostUK, writer Julian Fellowes had given him fair warning that he would be called upon to be "the great tragic hero" of the show.

Rob's career looks set to go from strength to strength, and it's a long way from his early career when he was better known for his role of Liam Connor in 'Coronation Street'. Here, he looks back on the role of Thomas Barrow that has changed his life...

Q: How early did Julian Fellowes tell you about your character’s sexuality?

A: I knew from the get-go that Thomas was gay. I knew that from the audition. With the series, you didn’t know how he was going to broach that subject and why he was so aggressive towards everyone. I made a decision as an actor that it was his sexuality that was making him lash out. Thankfully, in the later series Julian wrote that back-story in and we got to show people why Thomas is Thomas, which I thought was important.

Q: Do you think the show is quite liberal despite the conservative backdrop?

A: The characters’ reactions to Thomas’ homosexuality is quite liberal. But talking to the historical advisor, he wasn’t a one-off. There were lots of gay men and women around then, just as there are now. They were tolerated because everyone had to get on to work together. You wouldn’t necessarily get the massive homophobic reaction that you might expect at the time, even though homosexuality was illegal. It was accepted and brushed under the carpet because if it were made apparent it might sabotage the reputation of the house. In many ways, they allow Thomas to fit in. There were deep thinkers back then, and liberal thinkers. It’s not just modern-day society that is liberal.

Q: Do you take a lot of pride in being part of the phenomenon that is 'Downton Abbey'?

A: I’m proud of the fact that 'Downton Abbey' was born in a recession, at a time when ITV had dropped a lot of drama programmes. And I know that because I was out of work at the time! You were worrying as an actor because there seemed to be a leaning towards reality TV and celebrity documentary. It’s cheaper than drama, and you think as an actor, ‘What chance have I got?’

But then in the middle of all this, they got an Oscar-winning screenwriter in Julian Fellowes, a two-time Oscar-winning actress in Dame Maggie Smith and a pool of great British talent and they decided to do that on an ITV show in the middle of a recession. To get it green-lit was a feat in itself and then its success helped to show execs and financiers that period drama, which is the most expensive sort, can make money and be profitable for your channel. In a way, it was a game changer. From that we got a spate of people making great drama. There’s been a real growth of drama on TV even though back in 2008 we were wondering if there was anything left in this game any more. So to be a part of that, something that helped light the touch paper, was brilliant.

Q: From your experience on such a huge show as 'Coronation Street' is there a concern that people will struggle to disassociate you from your character in 'Downton', long-term?

A: Yeah, totally. You leave one iconic show and join another, thinking it might be a one-season show and it becomes one of the biggest shows in the world. As an actor you know it’s not going to be easy for people to leave that association behind, especially because of the type of character that Thomas is. He is gay and is, essentially, the bad guy for much of the show, so a lot of people within the industry can only see you as that. They might not be in a rush to see you as a heterosexual love interest, for example, because they worry whether the audience can see past that. That takes time. For me, I need to take my time and not just take the first job offer that comes along. It was the same with 'Coronation Street'. I didn’t work for 15 months; I turned a lot of stuff down because they weren’t the right roles to take me away from what I’d done before. You need to do something completely different. That’s why I waited for Thomas after 'Coronation Street', and thankfully he came along because the wolves were at the door!

Q: Your 'Downton' character has had a great journey; that must be very rewarding…

A: I’d have been happy if it’d remained like it was in the first season, where he was the bad guy and we didn’t see why. But I’m so glad that Julian told his story, not because he was gay — that’s not a big story these days. But he was gay at a time when it was illegal and against God. You would go to mass and be told that sodomy meant you’d burn in hell. These things inform why Thomas is why he is and there’s a lot of drama there to tell his story. We’ve seen the result of why he is like he is, but it’s great to tell the audience why there is nastiness and bitterness. In Season 6 he is like a tragic hero. Can Thomas finally become comfortable with what he is and who is, and if he can’t do that then what’s he going to do to address that? With Thomas, he goes to extremes. As we witnessed in Season 5, he is injecting himself. We go on this tragic journey with him.

Q: What was it like during your last day on the Downton set?

A: There were lots of man hugs, back slapping and me trying not to cry. I was trying to be stoic, saying, ‘No, I’m not crying. It’s just the dust in Ealing Studios!’ The crew were in tears as well, and they have it really hard. We actors just swan in for a few minutes a day!

Q: What would be some personal highlights from your time on the show?

A: Dancing with Dame Maggie Smith in the first Christmas Special was an epic moment. I did a business degree and didn’t take my first acting job until I was 28 and there I was at 35 dancing with a two-time Oscar winner! If someone had told that I’d be doing a waltz with Dame Maggie — and that I’d stand on her toe in one take and that she’d give me a funny look — I’d have said, ‘No chance!’ She’s a film icon. But it happened and it was a massive standout moment for me. I also loved all the stuff we did during the War because I got to research the period. I was quite naïve about that time. We touched upon it at school but I’d never researched WWI properly. It was fascinating to learn about it and you really understood that sense of loss. I’d never realised that we lost 40,000 men on the first day of the Somme, the worst casualties in British military history. You then feel the onus to do the fallen justice, on both sides. It made me appreciate everything I’ve got in my life a whole lot more.

Q: What was the reason for starting a more conventional career in marketing before you began acting at 28 years old?

A: It’s a good question. I don’t know. I was an intelligent lad, my brother and sister were in academia, and acting was never something that was put forward to me as a viable option at school. I wasn’t really interested either. I was more into sports. But when I was doing marketing, working in the industry and hating it, I was watching 'The Office' going, ‘Oh my God! That is my office! I can’t do this for the rest of my life.’ I remember watching Pete Postlethwaite in 'The Homecoming', the Harold Pinter play, at the Royal Exchange in Manchester and I had a weird feeling in my stomach. Looking back at it now, I realise I was jealous of the actors on stage because I wanted to do something freeing like that. I didn’t know it then. A few years later, someone who was doing a performing arts degree asked me to step in because an actor had fallen out. It was a rainy Sunday, I didn’t get paid, but I loved it. I thought, ‘If I could do this and get paid, that would be fantastic!’

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/11/18/downton-abbey-rob-james-collier_n_8591182.html

#robert james collier #downton abbey #interview

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lakeeffektkid · 8 years

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Last Goodbye is Never What We’re Here For (Part 1)

Title: Last Goodbye is Never What We’re Here For

Rating: Mature. This story can be very descriptive about sensitive subjects. Viewer discretion is advised.

Warnings: language, self-harm, homophobic slurs, hint at bulimia.

Notes: After a couple weeks, I’m proud this is finally out. I welcome constructive criticism, and any tips for improving writing angsty scenes.

Chapter 1: Must’ve Been a Bitch of a Day

Like he did on every Monday morning, Matt Webb stood in front of the bathroom mirror trying to fix the mess of brown that was his hair. Maybe part it on the left, he thought to himself. Nope. If that was even possible, it looked worse than normal.

“Matt!” his sister, Amanda, yelled. “Are you done yet? I swear, you take longer than I do to get ready.” Was this going to happen every day this year, now that they were both in high school? He hoped not.

He sighed, then just messed up his hair again; another day, another terrible hair moment. It’s not like it mattered; his friends at school wouldn’t know the difference. Then again, these were the same friends that made bullshit remarks about how Matt couldn’t just kiss someone without knowing them. Not just the good old “hi, how are you,“ or "what’s your favourite colour?” small talk. He had to have a connection. They just didn’t get it.

At least their reactions weren’t as odd as his parents were,* he thought. *My friends may be weirded out, but at least they make an effort. Maybe he should spend some more time with his parents, they gave him life—

"Matt! Hurry up!“ his sister’s voice rang out, distracting him from his thoughts.

“Sure,” he replied, not really listening. Maybe she would go away. His hair was good enough. Just like everything else. It didn’t matter, like most things.

He had a tendency to dig himself a pit in his mind; to get so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he couldn’t get out. It was a bad habit, one his mother called a waste of time. The more thinking he did, the less he talked. The less he talked, the less his parents wanted to talk to him. “Good enough,” he thought to himself.

Matt unlocked the door, walked outside into his yard, and waited for Josh to walk by. Josh, with the shaggy black hair that fell into his perfect blue eyes just right. It’s not that he liked Josh in a more than best friends manner. He just thought that the older boy was slightly attractive. Okay, maybe he did; it wasn’t something Josh needed to know, however.

He twiddled his thumbs and got straight to thinking. It was better than nothing, after all. Josh was one of the few friends Matt had that accepted the younger boy for who he was, whereas his other friends just taunted him. Maybe it was the eyeliner Josh wore, or maybe it was the nail polish; for some reason, Matt had a feeling that Josh might like him back. Whatever the two of them were, he was sure the kids at school would find it weird as hell. He snapped himself out of his thoughts; he had to stay alert. If Josh made him late one more time…

A long five minutes and 30 noisy teenagers later, a tall human being sped past, dragging Matt along with him. "Hey,” the person said. Speak of the fucking devil.

"You really need to stop doing that, Josh. Someday, you’re going to break a limb.“ He could hear Josh slow to a walk beside him. A sigh fell from Matt’s mouth. "Long night?” he asked.

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep no matter where I was. At some point, I just gave up and went back upstairs to get coffee. If I can’t sleep, I may as well get some shit done.“ Josh sighed. "I fell asleep in the kitchen at, like, five. Barely had time to eat breakfast.” Matt closed his eyes and stopped walking. Josh would’ve walked right past him, had Matt not grabbed his friend’s arm.

"Did you actually eat something?“ he said, trying to stop the blood from rushing to his face. “This is how you slipped up before."

Josh shrugged, avoiding Matt’s gaze. "I did eat something… Just not much.” Matt heard his friend’s stomach growl.

“That’s what you said last week,“ he muttered. "Keep going, we’re going to be late.” He couldn’t believe that Josh was skipping meals again; especially after landing himself in the hospital the year before because of it.

“I won’t fuck up again, dude. At least, not in that way; new year, new mistake.” The conversation continued for several minutes, but not without discomfort.

"Can…can we just not talk about this anymore?“ Matt said once the school came up in view.

Josh nodded solemnly and ran ahead, leaving the younger boy on his own. *Throw me to the wolves already, why don’t you?* he thought.

He pasted on a smile and headed to his locker, shoved his bags in and walked over to the glee club kids that were his “friends.”

"Hey guys.“ He waved awkwardly. Monday was always the hardest. The people were touchier and more mean.

"Hey Webb,” Ronnie replied, batting her eyelashes. He rolled his eyes, but kept his mouth shut. He hated when she did this, because no one can control who they like.

"Ronnie, let him go. You two don’t have a close enough emotional bond for him to even want to kiss you,“ Jason said, ignoring Matt’s presence. He hated it even more when an old friend of his, Jason, joined in.

"Yeah, let him go. I’m pretty sure he would rather screw around with what’s-his-name–” Delia said.

"Josh,“ Matt interjected. This is about as close to fighting back as it got for him. Don’t stir up more drama, just try and get rid of it.

"Yeah, him. I swear, he’s about as gay as you are,” she said.

Matt chuckled, knowing his “friends” would never get it. He pat Delia and Jason on the back, discouraging the taunting.

"Never gonna happen. He’s a friend anyway.“

Ronnie replied, "but that’s just what you’re into, isn’t it?” Maybe it was, but it’s not like he was going to say that.

The warning bell rang, sending Matt on his way to science; the one class he didn’t have with his “friends,” and spent with Josh instead.

"–and that’s when he…“ Josh said to a friend of his, trailing off once he saw Matt. "See you! Hey Matt…could you…?” Josh said.

Even though Matt wanted to skip class to figure out what’s been going on with Josh, he had to actually go to science for a change unless he planned to fail.

“Sorry, can’t. Goldberg is going to be pissed.”

Josh’s face fell, but Matt had to worry about himself for a change. As much as Josh tried, he had no attention span for anything but music. That usually led to him failing a class or two a year, hence why Matt and Josh were both in grade 9 science. He took his usual seat by the window, and looked outside. It was a sunny day, which was uncharacteristic for a Vancouver autumn. The bell rang. Matt glanced behind him, and Josh wasn’t there in his usual back row desk.

Sometimes, questions needed to be asked. He pulled out his little phone and typed a message with the buttons.

May 5, 2002 8:25 am

To Josh: Where the hell are you?

-Matt

A reply popped up a minute later, an envelope on the small screen opening and closing with “you have a new message” written in bold below.

May 5, 2002 8:26 am

I just needed a break. Sorry

-Josh

Mr. Goldberg was already glaring at him, so he shut his phone and put it in his desk. Not without sending a second message a few minutes later, however.

May 5, 2003 8:28 am

Be careful.

-Matt

When Josh needed a break, it meant one of two things: he was either in a bad mood and was smoking a cigarette outside or was in trouble and was locked in the nearest bathroom; neither was particularly healthy.

"Mr. Webb, if you could bear to listen for a moment: tell me what ‘mitochondria’ is? In detail, if you please,” the teacher boomed.

"It has something to do with energy, right?” Matt replied. “Not correct, Mr. Webb. Would you care to tell me where Mr. Ramsay is? It seems you two spend a lot of time together.”

Shit, this is bad, he thought. If I ask to be excused, he’s going to think I’m sneaking off. Sadly, this teacher wasn’t very fond of Matt. At least they agreed to disagree.

"I, um…I don’t know, sir,” he lied. “I h-haven’t had enough time to check."

"Could I have your cellular phone, then?” Mr. Goldberg said. Matt blushed and walked up to the teacher, giving his cellphone away. “You should be getting it back at the end of the day.”

"Yessir…“ Matt said, and staggered slowly back to his seat. He swore he could see a few people laughing out of the corners of his eyes.

The rest of science class went by slowly, making the hour feel like three. By the time class was over, Matt dragged himself into one of the many boys restrooms in the school. He searched through the stalls, and all he saw was the face of a disgruntled eleventh grader and the dick of some random angry dude.

After shedding the image of the past few minutes, Matt headed into another bathroom, the rarely used ones up in the French wing. If Josh wasn’t in there, Matt wouldn’t know where to look.

"Ramsay?” Matt called out. “Josh!” he yelled. “I know you’re in here, you’re not willing to walk that far just to skip class. Josh?”

All he could hear was his own steady breathing, and the click of a lock. He walked cautiously towards the stall, but didn’t open the door. Sounds of sniffling came from inside.

“In here,” Josh said meekly, his voice weak.

Matt followed the voice and pushed open the door. There Josh was, head buried in his knees.

Matt kneeled down next to his friend, rubbing slow circles on Josh’s back. He pretended that he couldn’t feel the bones of Josh’s spine through his shirt. This was rather worrisome, if honesty was allowed.

“Hey. I…I’m sorry about earlier,” Matt said.

“Are you alright?“

Josh shook, sobs tearing through him. He spoke, but the only word either boy could decipher was "fuck.” His trembling hand rested itself on Matt’s shoulder, needing someone to make his demons get the hell away. Matt tried not to see the scrapes on Josh’s knuckles; he didn’t know what they were from, yet they were frightening nonetheless.

Josh lifted his head up, looking Matt in the eye. A bruise flowered across his cheek, leaving his naturally pale skin a sickening shade of purple. “Don’t worry about me. You have your own problems. I’m fine–” his breath hitched. “N-nothing’s wrong.“

"Just breathe, Josh. You’re clearly not fine, but I’m not going to bug you about it.” Matt pulled Josh’s head into his lap, letting him cry. “Clearly, it’s been a bitch of a day,“ he muttered.

"No…fucking…shit!” Josh said in between breaths. Matt just wanted Josh to stop crying. It hurt him just to see Josh so vulnerable.

Matt brushed Josh’s hair out of his eyes, in another attempt to stop this from becoming a worse situation. Close up, Matt could see the dark circles under his friend’s eyes, having lost that spark of mischief that both excited and frightened him.

“Can you hear my breathing?” Josh nodded. “Try to mimic it, okay?“

"I…can…try. Easier…when you’re not…fucking hyperventilating…” Josh said, voice and body shaking with fear. Matt sighed, trying to keep the frustration from his voice.

“Please, Josh. For me…this isn’t easy for any of us. Think of how your parents–” The bell rang, signalling for the students to get to class. Neither boy moved.

“They don’t know about anything. The only thing they caught onto was the not-eating. Nothing else.” Josh paused. “They have no idea. Please, can we keep it that way. Please?”

"I’m not going to tell them, i-it’s not my place… You can stay over at my house tonight, see the new environment helps you sleep.” Since nothing else worked, he may as well try distraction.

“It probably won’t, but it’s better than nothing…” Josh said, sniffling. His hyperventilating had thankfully since stopped, but the tears continued to fall.

“Try it, for me. You only get this bad when you haven’t slept in a week.” Matt took a deep breath. “You’re scaring me, Josh.“

"Are you sure it’s not the raccoon face?” Josh said, referring to the eyeliner that had ran down his face mid-cry. The little smile that was placed on his face only made the moment weirder.

Matt chuckled. “Pretty damn sure.“

"Can I tell you what happened now?” Josh said, turning onto his back. The dark circles under his eyes were getting pretty bad, from what Matt could see. Whatever was going on with Josh, it certainly wasn’t very pleasant. “I think I’m ready.“

“Today, or ever?”

"One kind of bleeds into the other.” Josh just stared at the ceiling. “‘Excuse the pun…”

Josh walked into school on the first day, not feeling particularly happy, but not really feeling anything else either. He could feel the stares on his back, being the only guy in the vicinity who wore any makeup. Y'see, these looks wouldn’t have usually bothered him. In fact, he usually wouldn’t have minded the attention much, but this was a particularly self-conscious day for Josh. It was like they could tell what he did to himself this morning. It wasn’t like the throwing up made things any better; just a bit more bearable.

He walked to his locker, ignoring the jocks shoving him into the wall, and the laughs from the drama club kids. His throat was sore, but it hurt so frequently, he didn’t really feel it anymore. Like everything else, it was 'ignore, ignore, ignore’ just to get through the day. By this point, Matt would’ve been hanging out with his friends from choir, so Josh couldn’t go over there. It was a class he was in as well, but that particular crowd of people were never that nice to him. What could he say? Some people just didn’t like him.

Josh went to math, a class he had just barely passed last year. He didn’t turn much in, just the small amount of class work that was mandatory; it made sense that he was barely pulling a D-minus.

"Good to see you here, Mr. Ramsay,“ the teacher said, a fake smile etched on her ever-so-cruel looking face. He could feel her eyes carefully watching him, as if he would run out of the room that very second.

“Nice to see you, too, ma'am,” he said nervously.

Josh slowly walked to his desk, staring at the ground. It was like they could see the insignificant scrapes on his hand. He sat next to one of his friends, Brennan, and waited in silence for class to start.

"Are you okay?“ Brennan asked. Josh just shook his head and ignored his friend.

There were about a dozen other equally bored students in the room; all of them waiting for a horrible teacher to start her class. The elastic that Josh used on his wrists instead of a razor was starting to pinch. Oh fuck, it was annoying.

He snapped it against his wrist. Not too much, only five times. No matter how much he did it, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t leave any scars.

Josh saw Brennan give a look of concern in the corner of his eye, mouthing the words, “Are you okay?”

"No,” Josh mouthed back. But had he really ever been okay?

By the time class had started five minutes later than it was supposed to, Josh was already engrossed in his own mind; a place dangerous to go into on a good day, but deadly on a bad one. Thoughts about his weight somehow got in there, making the already upset boy worse.

“Fat-ass”

“Cutting freak"

“Cock sucker"

“Emo whore"

Josh continued to snap the elastic against his wrist, which was resting under the desk. The voices in his head wouldn’t leave him alone; for a change, it was his own voice. Snap. What the hell was he thinking? Matt will just leave him, anyway. Just like everyone else. Snap. Nobody ever stayed long. They left, they always left. They would, just because it was easier. Snap. He could feel the little blade in his pocket. Maybe he could… No. He couldn’t. At least, not in class. The cuts from last time were healing up nicely, mostly just scars now. Maybe he could go to the bathroom after class. Use the one upstairs, in the French wing, that nobody ever used. He could make the pain physical, take the time to get out of his own head. It would be nice.

He had made it a month since cutting; the bad thing was, it was probably the longest he’s gone in a year. God, he could use a hit right now. The stress was really starting to get to him. Seriously, he needed a fucking break.

“Trying to forget again, freak? It won’t work. The feelings never die.”

He hated how he needed the heroin, but he just didn’t want to let it go. The bell rang in his ear, signalling that it was time to leave. Brennan opened his mouth again, but Josh ran off before he could find out what his friend was trying to say.

The bathroom was easy to find, it being the only one that Josh used. He figured he could stay here until class started, and sneak outside for a smoke once everyone was out of the halls.

Josh pulled the razor out of his pocket. He bit on his lip as he dragged it slowly across his hip, doing the damage he so needed. The crimson slowly trickled out of the cut. It stung, but made everything so much better. Hearing a mumble from the stall over, he shoved the razor back in pocket. With the click of a lock, he was out of the safety of the stall, and face to face with one of his greatest tormentors: Alex Peters.

Well, shit, *he thought to himself.

"It seems I’ve been caught…” Josh mumbled out loud.

“'Been caught’ doing what, freak?” Alex said, shoving Josh into the wall, putting pressure on the newly formed cut. Josh kept his mouth shut, afraid to speak. He could feel the stinging from his side, and the blood was seeping into his shirt.

Alex’s eyes dropped their gaze to Josh’s pocket, where the little bloody blade had been resting. It was sticking out; Josh didn’t push it far enough into his pocket. Anyone could’ve seen it, trained eye or not.

“Oh? Is the emo freak cutting himself in the bathroom again?” Josh shook with terror. They knew?

“N-no I…I’m not,“ he stuttered. He had been so careful trying to hide the blood, even cleaning the cuts properly. It hurt like a bitch, but if it meant not going to the hospital, he’d do it.

To make matters worse, another student had walked in: a friend of Matt’s. Josh didn’t know the guy’s name– all he knew was that it ended in ’-ason,’ or something like that. Josh saw the confused guy standing against the wall. It wasn’t like he was going to butt in; that would be a death sentence.

"Get out, Moriarty!” Alex grunted. “Can’t you see that I’m trying to get this little fag to talk?” Alex said, kneeing Josh in the stomach.

Josh squirmed, trying not to cry out; he didn’t need anyone else to know what the hell was going on in his head. “Leave me alone…” he mumbled under his breath. Jason ran out as quickly as he ran in after hearing the whimpering.

“What did you say, you little freak?!” Alex growled. He grabbed Josh’s hair and yanked on it, creating a feeling of pain in the back of his skull. “Tell me!“

"L-leave me the fuck alone, man…” Josh said, raising his voice ever so slightly. Alex yanked his head back farther, and slammed it against the wall.

All Josh could do with the pain rippling through him was crumple to the ground. Alex left the bathroom, leaving the androgynous looking boy on the floor. He rested there in a heap, only moving to purposely empty his stomach out in a bathroom stall half an hour later. Nothing Josh did was meant to be a mistake; the throwing up just happened, but by next week, it would’ve become an addiction.

“What can I say, Matt?” Josh said, his head still resting in his best friend’s lap. “I’m a mess.” What could Josh have done to deserve this? He was the most honest person Matt had met. His blue eyes bore into your soul, leaving nothing in their path unseen; lips a little chapped, but the most kissable they possibly could’ve been. Matt wanted to, but it would’ve been so stupid. Josh was just a friend, and a kiss between the two of them would screw something up.

“Yeah, you are a mess, Ramsay. You’re my mess.” Matt chuckled, brushing Josh’s hair out of his eyes. He could feel the butterflies wanting to burst from free his stomach. Josh was so, so beautiful, but he hated himself more than other people hated him. How could he not see it?

“But seriously, are you okay?“

"Y-yeah, I’m fucking terrific. That’s what getting beat up twice in one week earns, right?” Twice?

Matt chuckled before resuming his previous serious persona. "Right. Look, we need to talk about this. Why do you let this happen to yourself? Why don’t you fight it?”

“If we’re going to talk about this, I want to be able to look you in the eye…” Josh said before sitting up. “I’m only going to be able to say this once.” Matt nodded, letting Josh keep talking. “You said I could stay over tonight? I think I’m going to take you up on that offer, since spilling my guts out here would not be the best idea. All I can say is that, after awhile, I just started to deserve it. My head is a fucked up place and everyone knows it; they just don’t know why. They don’t want to know, Matt.” He sighed. “It would give them another reason to hate me.“

The bell rang, and they shared a glance before leaving. Without another word, Matt was off to his lunch break, and Josh was off to do god know what.

#marianas trench #josh ramsay #matt webb #fanfic #rating: mature

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