#bramspam

[pantywaistman]

Also i'm 20 and live on instagram it's kind of sad...need to sort my life out and stop escaping facing my social anxiety, start engaging more proffesionally with the creative industry and find other ways of stimulating myself

[brams-medical-tutorials]

Oops, sorry guys. My phone gets confused between medical blog and personal blog. Won't happen again, sorry.

[wadebramwilson]

Happy Valentine's day, Tumblr.

I have an update re: my health.

PET scans suggests that it's not sarcoidosis, and if it is then at least the only organ that is involved is my brain. Brain MRI suggests it IS probably MS. Which is actually the best news because it's the most treatable of all the things that are potentially causing me to slowly go blind.

I have to get a lumbar puncture and a spinal MRI to confirm, and also there is a mass on my thyroid as a side-concern which needs to be ultrasounded. Everything is booked in, it's just a matter of waiting until the end of the month. Its also SO expensive but I'm lucky that I'm in a financially sound position.

So I just have to wait and try not to worry about the vision that I might not recover in the meantime. As long as I still have one normal eye I'll be able to drive and work but it's a matter of time.

So I'm kind of unmotivated and anxious and depressed and I just don't feel very engaged with anything at the moment. So I still want to be a part of the fandom communities, but probably not for a little while.

I feel hopeful that when I do get this sorted out, my creativity and energy will return a bit more to help me participate more actively. Like - not go blind is concern #1, but also, be more focused and improve memory and energy are bonuses that I didn't even consider before. 

[wadebramwilson]

This is a really good thing but I am having difficulty thinking about my girl too much. Damn. You guys. She's really great and also she likes me. What more could you want?

I want to kiss her. My friends are gonna get sick of hearing this so it's on you now internet friends.

[wadebramwilson]

Tonight I tried to cut a sweet potato in half lengthways, in one clean go with it balanced so it would be near-symmetrical. The hubris, I know.

Anyway, I stabbed myself (expected) in the palm (unexpected) but my ambulance is in the driveway so I did my dishes with a very dramatically bandaged hand and a glove.

[wadebramwilson]

New icon! Which I made many years ago for apeacebone but have loved since. Same colourscheme though, right? I am having a really really dreadfully hard time doing anything at all right now. Tasks are piling up all around me and I am just determinedly choosing not to look at them or think about them. Help.

[wadebramwilson]

[wadebramwilson]

Been away for a week since my stupid lumbar puncture. Request forms were fucked up so I gotta wait longer for the results but like, probably MS. I still have a stupid headache but I'm hoping a really good sleep will fix me up because I never sleep well away from home.

l wanted to go immediately home for just that purpose but then I fucked up and drove my front wheel off of my friends' driveway so my car was sitting on its front axle, dribbling out mystery fluid, and now it's being towed and I just really want this bad run to end. This is so expensive, both financially and emotionally.

My friend picked me up and she let me just cry about my problems and then I got home and one of my plants had died 😭😭😭

[wadebramwilson]

Gosshhhh I'm gonna go on a date on Saturday and uhh I haven't been on a date or wanted to go on a date in like 2 years. I know she likes me, but also I'm pretty nervous. She hasn't spent much time with me and I'm a little bit much in real life.

Is it possible to overcommunicate?

Gee I hope not

[wadebramwilson]

Universe, I am begging please leave me alone i just need a little break right now okay thank

[wadebramwilson]

Ah I am extremely frustrated and upset rn.

I was told by my specialist that as soon as I got my MRI and bloods, she wanted to put me on medications to treat my [debilitating brain rot]. She made it sound relatively urgent, and the only reason she was not immediately prescribing it was due to the need for imaging.

These are serious medications with serious side effects which are not to be taken lightly and I understand that. But I can't see her for another month. So I called ahead so she could communicate any of this with my GP, so that he might prescribe them if that was still the right course of action.

GP did not get the message. He just wanted to medicate my anxiety, and I tried to tell him that the reason I am anxious is because of this delay in treatment, and that's a very real and concrete reason to be anxious. And I understand that just because you have a reason to be anxious doesn't mean you shouldn't treat it but also if you CAN remove the cause then REMOVE THE CAUSE. Then after that I'll think about treating the stupid anxiety.

All he could say about the MRI is - not MS. Which, wasn't what we are investigating anyway. I'm just feel so angry and upset and alone and now I've used up all my emergency car napkins sitting here crying and I don't feel any better.

[wadebramwilson]

Update: I am actually working on fics but my brain/memory/concentration is not working and I maybe have carpal tunnel and my eyes hurt when I look at my computer too long and I’m tired and all of these things are related and I’m very upset about it. On top of that I am awaiting a COVID swab that I think will be positive which means I can’t attend the appointments that I need to in order to get the official diagnosis and treatment that will help reduce my symptoms. On another positive note, the lady who swabbed me called me a champ for how good I did.

But I am trying to keep a?sortof promise that I made and also to be joyful in creativity so I am working on fics.

[wadebramwilson]

I was complaining all day at work about nerve pain in my right arm and worrying about if it was an MS flare and my coworker friend looked me dead in the eye and asked me how my date went the day before. I feel violated

[wadebramwilson]

I am watching the new season of Queer Eye and I really really love it, you guys. It makes me feel so warm and happy. I mean all the previous seasons did too, but when a new one comes out I think - ah nah no thanks. But then I get around to it and I cannot stop.

[wadebramwilson]

Hello I think I just had a bit of a crisis catharsis in which I decided at midnight to read every brochure about MS that i've been ignoring from the pile my neurologist gave me months ago with intermittent ugly snotty sobbing.

Now I am cried out and maybe will sleep

[wadebramwilson]

I love living in a rural town because this afternoon I walked by a house and told a man that his garden looked great and he said 'do you want a lettuce?'

So the rest of my walk I carried this massive butterhead like the happiest bride you've ever seen who is also snacking on her bouquet.