Tumgik
#btw i feel like people didn't like ch8 that much
hehehereliesmysanity · 10 months
Text
H&L first draft (4k words)
Remember this was supposed to be a four-part little story in the beginning and then it turned out to be something more. I found this little thing in my google docs and I just wanted to share the first draft with you. This takes place after the first chapter and they have the movie night then, not 7 chapters and 70k later, oops)
Now, Simon is sitting next to Wilhelm at Manor House, their shoulders are brushing and his side is tingling from the touch alone. He doesn't have a choice but to sit with him because that is the only place available. It is not like a punishment, of course. Deep down inside, he is over the moon to see that he has to sit there. He is playing a dangerous game. He could have easily changed seats with Sara but he doesn't. Wilhelm said he saved this spot for him, but he was probably kidding, right? 
They are watching a horror movie now. Wille clutches to his leg after a jump scare. This party prince who gets into fights in bars is scared of a movie? He can't believe he could be this cute. It was one fight, though, if he was being fair. Simon realizes that what he knows about him and what they say about Wilhelm in these newspapers and on TV are not completely true. He has been so judgmental toward him since the beginning. But he can't trust people easily; life didn't teach him otherwise. So it is understandable.
Wilhelm leaves his hand on his leg and glances at him briefly before turning back to the movie. Simon is almost sure Wilhelm doesn't care about the movie at all. Is he nervous too? Then he brushes his pinkie with his, turning to look at him in the eye again with the cutest smile. He doesn't stop the motion. Can someone forget how to breathe? That doesn't seem possible but Simon can't be sure now.
Wilhelm keeps eye contact and holds Simon's hand in his, intertwining their fingers. He still pretends to watch the movie. He keeps brushing Simon's hand with his thumb. It all happens so fast but Simon can't take it anymore. He is going to fall hard if he doesn't do something. It is not something he can afford. He will be left with a broken heart after all. 
Simon gets up and leaves again. It is too much. It probably doesn't mean anything to Wilhelm anyway. Simon shakes his head and laughs to himself. Of course, something as simple as handholding doesn't mean anything to him. Simon is the only one who reads too much into things. A simple glance, a cute smile coming his way, the way Wilhelm always takes the seat closest to him, the way he listens to him so attentively when he is speaking. It all must be for the show.
He goes and sits on the window sill, opening the window all the way. Wilhelm comes after him after only a few minutes. To say that Simon is surprised is an understatement.
"Are you okay?" Wilhelm asks tentatively.
"Yes. I just wanted to have some fresh air." he lies, sitting still, not moving to look up at him.
"Are you sure?" he asks again, Simon stutters because he is not okay. He is scared. Very scared. And it is too late anyway. Wille rubs his knee briefly and pulls his hand as if it were burned, his eyes going big at the touch.
"Was that too much? Did I cross a line?" he asks with a panicked face. He retreats a few steps back, to give Simon some space. Simon already missed the proximity. And he is taken aback, too. He kinda guessed Wille was not what he seemed anymore. He is actually so sweet and thoughtful. He might not be the entitled prince Simon thinks he is. He seems so, at least.
He is trying to form an answer, to say that he didn't cross a line and Simon wanted to hold his hand too. He didn't know it but he, deep down, wanted Wilhelm to follow him here. 
He wants to tell him he is scared and Wilhelm is not exactly reliable. He doesn't want to be a fling. Okay, maybe the prince is attracted to him but that doesn't mean anything. He wants to say he is wary. He is the party prince, for all he knows. He can't trust him yet. He wants to say it without sounding so hurtful. He doesn't want to stop talking to him. Wilhelm mistakes his silence for something else.
"I am sorry. I thought... I am so sorry." Wilhelm says and turns to leave. 
"Wilhelm." he calls after him. And he stops in his tracks but he doesn't turn around yet.
"Let's forget about what happened earlier. We can start over. We can be… We can be just friends." he says.
"You want to be friends?" Wilhelm asks.
"Yeah, why not?"
"I don't want to be your friend, Simon." he says flatly. Does he sound so hurt? No, he doesn’t. There is no way.
"Okay." he says. He regrets having ever suggested it. Of course, he doesn't want to be his friend. “I wasn’t expecting you to be.” Simon says sadly. “I knew it. I knew you just wanted to hook up and now you don’t have it your way and you act like this.”
“What,” Wille stutters. “I just wanted to hook up with you? Is this really what you really think of me?” Wille asks and his voice sounds so broken and agitated.
“What else am I supposed to think?”
"You really don't get it, do you?" Wilhelm asks, shaking his head in disbelief and hurt.
"What?"
"You really don't." Wilhelm says, trying hard to believe it. "You were right about one thing. I was being so delusional. You were just being friendly and I thought… You still call me Wilhelm. What was I thinking?" he says, shaking his head in disbelief.
"That's your name. Everybody calls you that." Simon says, confused.
"Exactly. Everybody calls me that. You are not everybody. But that doesn't really matter anymore." he says sadly.
"What are you saying?" Simon asks.
"Nothing. Good night, Simon." he says and he leaves. He leaves for the first time without waiting for a reply. Simon wants to stop him. He can't. He just looks at Wille's retreating figure. He doesn't understand anything right now. He should go after him and demand answers. What did he mean? What does Simon not get? What is he talking about? Did he misunderstand him the whole time? When he said he didn't want to be Simon's friend, did he mean he wanted to be something more? What the hell just happened?
Wille is already out of his line of vision, while Simon is still lost in thought. Sara calls him to tell him that their mom is already here to pick them up. He is going to ask his questions after the weekend.
He wanted to comment on Wille's cute blue soft pyjama bottoms, with white heart doodles on them, the whole night. Do party princes dress like that? Simon would have liked to know how it would feel. Maybe he will take a leap of faith and give him a chance. If it is not already too late.
***
Wille ignores him next Monday. Just when he leaves the music room after school, he runs into Wille, who looks like he is caught red-handed. Was he watching him play the whole time? Why didn't he say hi? Playing would be an overstatement, though. He was fighting for his life to play the notes. He probably looked so dumb. He guesses Wille knows how to play the piano. He must know. What kind of prince doesn't know how to play the piano? 
"Can we talk?" Simon asks.
"I have a class. I gotta go." Wille says and he leaves. Look at the turntables, Simon thinks.
*
Wille gets dressed quickly in the locker room after the practice and leaves again. Simon tried to make eye contact but Wille didn't budge. He avoids him the whole week. He doesn't come to the practice in the gym and Simon waits for him patiently until the last minute. He hears from August that Wille said he is sick and he can't make it. Simon is only worried for a second, then he realizes it is just an excuse to avoid him again. Simon considers going to his room to have a talk. Why is he so stubborn?
*
He sees him before the parents’ lunch the next day. 
"Why are you avoiding me?" he asks, straight to the point.
"I am not. Now if you excuse me, August is waiting for me outside." he says and leaves. Simon huffs in annoyance and goes outside to meet his mother. He sees Wille pose for the pictures from afar, and he is grinning like August is the funniest person in the world. The guy takes a couple of pictures of them and Wille drops the mask he is wearing immediately after they are done. He starts talking on the phone, more like pretending to be, and heads for the dorms. Simon is about to follow him but his mom and Sara call after him so he meets them and they make their way to the dining hall for lunch. Wille can't escape from him forever. 
*
They take a seat with Felice and her parents. He is glad that Sara found a friend here. They start eating and they are having an easy conversation. Sara talks about horses nonstop, and everybody listens to her very carefully. It warms Simon's heart. Then he sees Wille enter the room and every head turns to him, of course. Felice gets up from her seat and waves to Wille and Wille doesn't look happy to be noticed.
"Wilhelm, please join us." she says after Wille approaches them.
"Please, have a seat." Felice's mother adds, pointing to the empty space near Simon. Wille takes a seat at the head of the table, visibly upset that he had to join them. Simon realizes nobody but him notices his discomfort. It is probably because nobody knows what happened between them. Wille has a casual, small talk with Felice and her parents and asks them how they are doing. They ask Wille if he likes Hillerska, what he has been up to and such. Wille gives polite answers, and Simon doubts his honesty. Wille doesn't look his way at all, even though they so close. He turns to his mom and introduces himself like a perfect gentleman.
"We haven't been introduced. I am Wilhelm." he says, holding out his hand to shake his mother's hand.
"Linda." his mom says, holding her hand too. "I was starting to think everyone knew each other except me."
"Nice to meet you, Linda." he says. "Now you know me." he says and his mom starts smiling. Of course, Wille managed to charm his mother. But he is avoiding Simon at the moment. How dare he? 
"Are you all friends? They never tell me anything anymore. Teenagers." Linda laughs and the other parents join her.
"That's not true." Sara interjects. "I have told you about Felice." she adds. Yeah, Simon never said anything about Wille. What was he supposed to say? Wille looks upset again. Simon wants to drag him by his arm in the middle of lunch. 
"Yeah, she mentioned your name." Linda laughs. "Once or twice." 
"Why do you embarrass me?" Sara laughs too.
"Are you two friends?" she says, turning to Simon and Wille. Simon coughs a little and drinks some water. Wille answers instead.
"We share a few classes together." he explains. Ouch. 
"They are also on the rowing team." Felice adds. And Wille looks at her, more like sending daggers but she doesn't care.
"I am not on the team, though. I don't know what I am doing most of the time." Simon corrects.
"He is selling himself short. He is really good at it for a beginner." Wille says, looking at him for the first time and goes back to eating. Can they pick up on the tension between them? Simon wonders if this fancy knife can cut this tension. "He also helped me with math. I got a high score thanks to him. Though he had the highest score in class." Wille says, addressing Linda. "You must be really proud." he adds. Simon snaps his head back at Wille, taken aback by his words.
"I am." she says. "I am proud of both of them." She adds and Sara groans in embarrassment and Simon is no different. He moves in his chair awkwardly, and his knee brushes with Wille's and he freezes for a second. Wille is the same. He looks at him with panicked eyes, the same as on movie night. He wipes his mouth with his napkin and excuses himself. 
"Sorry, I remembered I had to make a phone call. Thank you for inviting me to your table." he says. He gets up and leaves. What a bullshit excuse. Simon is really annoyed. How can he keep his manners when he has been avoiding Simon for a week? Does he pretend all the time? He waits for two minutes to go after him. He announces that he is going to the bathroom. Way to be subtle, Simon. Nobody would get suspicious. Felice catches his glance and smiles to herself. What does she think is happening exactly? 
He goes toward where Wille has disappeared. He is actually talking on the phone. Maybe not everything is about himself. 
***
Some unsaved number calls him when he is sleeping. He doesn't realize it's Wille's number with sleepy eyes. Wille had messaged him once, asking why he was not coming to rowing practice. He didn't reply. He wanted to. Would Wille come to Bjärstad if he asked him? But he couldn't ask him. Giving him a chance went out of the window again just because he got flustered and nervous.
"Simon. Simon. Simon. Are you there?" a voice asks.
"Wille, is that you?" Simon asks, looking at the number again. Yes, it is him.
"I like you, Simon. I really like you. Why don't you like me?" he says, slurring his words a little.
"Are you drunk?" Simon asks, his heart beating out of his chest. Both because he is scared that Wille is not okay and because his confession makes him a puddle. He never straight up told him that. Maybe he is saying that because he is under the influence. It doesn't mean anything. “A drunk mind speaks of a sober heart,” he thinks. But no, he won't get carried away.
"Yes, only a little." he giggles. Simon's heart soars, that is such a beautiful sound.
"Where are you? Are you safe?" he says, panicked.
"I am in my room, on my bed. Yes, I am safe. Are you worried about me?" he asks, sounding excited. "But you don't like me." he finishes sadly. Simon thinks, “If only you knew how wrong you are.” That's not the time, though. That needs to happen face to face, if Simon doesn't chicken out.
"Do you have water near you? Drink lots of water, okay?" he says. He knows what to do in these situations, sadly.
"I have. I will. You are sweet. So so sweet, Simon." Wille says. Does he sound dreamy? Simon wants to go to him right now. He wants to tell him. "Simon. Simon. Simon. Even your name sounds so sweet." Wille says. Simon is about to combust. His name is really sweet, yes but only because it is dripping from Wille's lips. He wants to hear his name on his lips in person, preferably while he is kissing him. He knows Wille is drunk but he sounds so genuine and real. Simon won't be able to hold back anymore.
"Good night, Simon. I am sleepy." he says.
"Good night, Wille." Simon says softly. "Sleep on your side, okay? Just in case you throw up. Not on your back." he adds.
"Okay, Simon. Thank you." he says, sleep oozing out of his voice. "Simon, Simon, Simon." he says again fondly. Does he try to kill him? "I even like your name so much. You know what's funny? It means listening. Your name... It means listening. I looked it up but you don't listen to me. You always run away." he laughs. Simon laughs too because Wille laughs and because he thought Wille would forget his name, but he looked up what his name means. He is going insane, holding the phone like a lifeline. He is so stupid because of him already. "I like you and that's not fake, Simon. I don't know how to make you understand that. Maybe, you do but you don't just like me. It is okay. I think I need to accept that now." he says. And Simon wants to object but he wants to tell him in person. He is drunk anyway. "Good night. I am gonna go now." he says and the line goes silent. But Simon's thoughts don't. He probably won't be able to sleep until tomorrow. Until he sees Wille tomorrow.
***
He wants to catch him before he leaves his room. He didn't go in when he dropped him off at his party but he knows his room. He knocks on the door. Wille opens it, not looking as presentable as he always does. 
"Hey." Simon says softly.
"Hey." Wille says, not looking in the eye.
"How are you?" he asks.
"Not bad. I didn't drown on my own puke, if that is what you were asking." Wille says. He sounds cold, and Simon wants to turn back and go but he doesn't. 
"Do you have a headache? Maybe you should take an aspirin." Simon says.
"I am fine, thanks. You didn't have to come all the way here to check up on me. Sorry for making you deal with me yesterday. I need to go to class now. So I have to get dressed if you excuse me." he says and tries to walk away, closing the door. 
"Wait, wait, wait." Simon is the one who stops him this time, holding him on his arm. Wille freezes and he finally looks at him, surprised and maybe ashamed. 
"The classes don't start for about half an hour. We have time. I have to tell you something." Simon says, enters the room without getting an invite and closes the door. Wille looks at the closed door and Simon in his small room slowly, back and forth, clearly puzzled.
"I know we still have time, Simon. I don't want to hear what you're going to say now." he says with a long sigh.
"Why are you running away?" he asks. "That's usually my brand." he laughs but Wille doesn't laugh. If anything, he looks sadder. "You don't even know what I am going to say." he says.
"You don't have to." he sighs. "Okay, Simon, I get it. You made yourself really clear, like the whole time but I didn't want to see it. You don't like me. I never wanted you to feel uncomfortable. I am not some asshole who doesn't take no for an answer. I just thought you also…  Never mind what I thought." he says, sounding exhausted.  "When I woke up, I remembered that I called you last night. I am surprised you didn't hang up on me. I don't know what we talked about for 20 minutes. It is still blurry."
"So you don't remember what you told me last night." Simon says, a little disappointed.
"Of course I do. I don't have to remember what I might have told you last night. It is only what I am always trying to tell you the whole time. Anyway, thanks for trying to take care of me. You didn't have to, but you did. I don't know why. It is probably only because you are the only person who is genuinely nice without having an agenda. Unlike what you thought about me, people being obsessed with me only because I have a title is the last thing I want. If you wanted to get to know me, the real me, you would know that. But clearly, you don't. So, I don't need to hear you tell me you don't want me. I like you but you don't like me back. It is as simple as that. I get it now. I am going to stop." he says sadly.
"What if I don't want you to?" Simon says with a small smile. “What if I don't want you to stop?”
"What?!" Wille asks, baffled.
"You heard me, Wille." he smiles.
"Oh." he smiles shyly. 
"Yeah." he says.
"Not Wilhelm?"
"No, not anymore."
"Oh. This is the first time you..." he says with a blush.
"Not the first time. You probably don't remember our whole conversation last night." Simon smiles.
"Oh, probably not." he laughs.
"I am glad you remember most of it, though." he smiles. 
"Did I wake you up last night? Were you sleeping when I called?"
"Yes, I was but I didn't mind. I am glad you were okay." he says, playing with his fingers nervously.
"Thank you for taking care of me again. I am still sorry for calling you at such an inappropriate hour." 
"Don't worry about it." Simon says.
"Are you sure?”
“Yes.” 
"So… What exactly did you mean earlier? When you said you don't want me to stop." he asks timidly. "Does that mean you like me?" 
"Yes, I do."
"I like you, too."
"I know." he laughs. "You told me last night. A couple of times, actually."
"Did I embarrass myself that much last night?" he asks, averting his eyes, with bashful smile.
"Only a little. You said you liked my name." 
"Oh. I mean, I do. So…" he says. 
"And you looked up what my name means. And you were complaining about me not listening to you." he says and Wille groans in embarrassment.
"It was sweet." Simon continues.
"Really?"
"Yes, but not you getting drunk."
"August invited me and offered me beer. I am a lightweight, actually. Don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold." he smiles.
***
"Umm, are you free tonight?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Is there another football match we can go to?"
"How do you know I went to a game?" Simon asks, raising one eyebrow. "Did you stalk me?"
"No." Wille says, like a child caught red-handed.
"You are so lame." 
"Only a little. Maybe, you can show me around Bjärstad tonight. What do you say?"
"Are you trying to make me ask you for a date?"
"Umm, kinda. I don't know this area very well so it doesn't make sense if I invite you to hang out in your own neighbourhood. And I can't invite you to hang out at school, can I?"
"I thought you would invite me to your room." Simon says suggestively.
"Umm, I am not like that. I am not like how they write about me in those newspapers. I like partying, yes but I am not hooking up with someone different every night. I am not judging anyone who does but I am saying I am not like that. You know that now, right?"
"Yeah, I can see it now. Why don't you deny those rumors, though?"
"They will believe whatever they want to believe. I just stopped trying."
"Oh, that sounds annoying."
"It is annoying. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I am just trying to live my life. That's why I wanted to come out. It took some time to convince my mom."
"Did you have to convince her, for you to come out?"
“Kinda, yes.”
"I am sorry for judging you. And not giving you a chance to get to know you."
"It is okay. I probably didn't leave an impression for you to think otherwise. I might come off a little pushy and cocky."
"A little, yes. But you are not either of those things. So why did you?"
"I don't know. I wanted to impress you; I was trying to seem suave and confident. After your comment in class, I thought if I were myself, you would think I was a loser." 
"So you thought you should act like an entitled asshole because I basically called you an entitled asshole?" Simon laughs.
"Not my brightest moment." Wille laughs back.
"But you were right."
"About what?"
"That I wanted to get your attention in that class."
"Oh, okay."
"And I wanted to kiss you, too. In your initiation party. And I still want to, probably since the whole time." Simon says and Wille blushes so beautifully.
"But we need to go on a date first." he says with a smile and walks away, looking back at Wille, who is still frozen in his place. Wille chases him again.
“How about today?”
“Sure.”
"Okay. What time?"
"I will text you." Simon says.
"Okay. Great. Can't wait." Wille says excitedly, rushing to get the words out. Simon's heart is doing somersaults.
"You are not going to try to kiss me now?" 
"You said date first." Wille says, raising his eyebrows, looking blank and confused.
His mouth slowly start to turn up at the corners. Simon couldn’t be more wrong in his life.
And they were gonna have their date in Bjarstad and their first kiss was gonna be in front of Simon's house in the rain when Wille was dropping him off. I even thought about interrupting their kiss in Wille's room in ch7 but I knew you would find me and kill me so I changed it :D also keep in mind that they don't know much about each other in this draft and I really liked that I changed it in the current version.
16 notes · View notes
pearlcages · 2 years
Note
hii, i disagree w ch8 being underwhelming, actually. not that you need anyone's approval, of course, but imo sort of reflective, in-between chapters are fairly normal transitions between dialogue pieces and further events; it's not that uncommon in fiction ?? it wouldn't feel as complete if we didn't get arizona's perspective on whatever is happening between her and callie. and also their small, peaceful moment in the end of the chapter, where they are just working in silence but at the same time finding their own rhythm feels like part of the new start. callie seeking arizona out, again, which feels also importnat! arizona getting some time to process and us seeing that her disability is still affecting her life. isn't that sort of the beauty of fiction, that we get to be in characters heads and we get to hear their thoughts while they are on a walk. i personally like that we get to be in characters heads and i feel like you spend appropriate amount of time balancing dialogues & action/insights into character's mental state. it's not a greys anatomy season, dramatic things don't have to happen all the time. anyway, can't wait to see what the next chapters bring!! >:)
also btw the lines that personally stood out for me were "Callie hasn’t slept next to her for a long time." & Arizona being possessive about work & "You're Arizona" & Arizona feeling claustrophobic; i think you have a very good grasp on the characters
i'm really glad some people like it! i'm not going to lie and say it's not disappointing that it seems to be the least popular chapter so far (at least if the ffn reviews are anything to go off of) because i personally really love it. it's definitely the best written chapter at least, even if it's not the most interesting
the people who have enjoyed it have said that it's their favorite one, so i think it's just one of those things that either you love it or you hate it— no in between. and that's okay, because i love it & as much as i'm writing this story to engage with other people (and i DO care if people like ktb, of course it matters to me!) i'm mostly writing this because it's the story i wanted to read
"You're Arizona. I'll always look out for you." was actually the second scene i ever wrote for ktb super early on in the planning process, and it's got a special place in my heart
obviously a chapter with very little dialogue isn't gonna appeal to everyone, and i knew that going in. but starting next chapter a lot of shit is gonna be happening very, very fast so we might look back on the breathing room fondly ;)
4 notes · View notes