#but I've had 4 glasses of wine and I'm feeling creative

[milleemo]

Hellcheer scene that I just gotta get outta my head:

Chrissy is not much of a heavy rock and roll fan, but there's just something about that new Van Halen song that just came out that just resonates with her. So one night, after cheer practice, she waits until all the other girls have left and puts 5150 in the boombox. Track 2 is already set to play and the moment the music starts she's choreographing an entire routine. Alone, in her own little world where there's no dominating mothers or smothering boyfriends, she lets herself take control for once, and tries not to let the song lyrics remind her too much about the budding new friendship between herself and the resident school "freak".

Meanwhile, said freak is heading down the hall after wrapping up particularly riveting epilogue to the epic showdown that was the previous Hellfire sesh, and happens to hear the Dutch Master himself playing from the gym. Curious, he looks in through the double doors and sees Chrissy Cunningham, the girl who just keeps on surprising him, dancing her little heart out.

And here he thought he couldn't fall any more in love with her than he already had.

[returntosaturn271995]

Tuesday, January 2nd: Silk and Sonder Prompts

Today started at the crack of 7:30 am with my feeling oddly light and inspired considering I went to bed at 2:30 am. It just goes to show the power of a pretty planner and stickers can have on a young woman's ambition.

And that is the word of the month: "ambition" defined in the planner as: "unapologetic dreaming and having the confidence to follow through". Which I both snorted at and highlighted because that kind of line is hard for me to lean into no matter how many color-coded stickers I buy or Daily Yoga sessions I complete.

The idea of confidence being the main factor of follow-through rather than ability is tempting though.

And then:

Erin Burks: In a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, I tried to be ambitious with my chores today and immediately broke a wine glass. Somewhere God is laughing at me for believing I can grow in the New Year.

Hannah Mcpherson: New year same us what can ya do 😂

Yes, what can I do?

So here come the cringe and self-reflective prompts, that I aspire to NOT apologize for...but also would projectile vomit if literally anyone read this out of sheer mortification. Trying to grow and evolve in life is the most important thing but also is so unbelievably embarrassing. The paradox of this will haunt me no matter how many meditation books I fall asleep reading. My shame and Western values run too deep to ever take myself that seriously. Even in the name of becoming a *gags* better person.

I can't, okay. This is physically painful. Imagine anyone actually cool doing this. Lenny Bruce would never. He also died of a drug overdose a few feet from a toilet so here we are.

What does ambition mean to me?

1). Growth mindset, abundance mindset

2). Following through even if it's just a small step, progress over time

3). Learning from mistakes

4). Pride in one's work

What are your current ambitions? List them out:

1). 50 books this year, 5 this month

2). Improve at yoga, stretch for at least 10 minutes every day

3). Run a 10 K this year, run 25 K for the month of January, and run 5 K this week

4). Healthy dating/love life even when single

5). Regular journaling

6). Write/Perform Standup

7). Move forward in your career

8). Cook quality meals, 15 this month (today's was chicken, balsamic vinegar, roasted broccoli, and potatoes)

Why are your ambitions important to you?

Honestly? I want to succeed at the things that make life worth living. Something to show for all life I'm borrowing from the universe.

How would you feel if you achieved them?

Expansive

Optimistic

Healing

What do your ambitions make possible for other aspects of your life?

Work + Travel

Reading informing writing informing comedy

Stand up as a way of connecting with others

Cooking as a way to save money and eat healthy

How can you balance your health, personal life, and other areas of your life in your pursuits?

My ambitions are health, loving personal relationships, meditation, mental health, creative hobbies, and actively putting myself out there. My ambition is to live a good life, not a fantasy. To be a good person, rather than a perfect or even that glam of one. At one point in my life, the only ambition I had to my name was not to be a tragedy, and from there I've achieved everything else.

Ordinary, beautiful, things.

[clementinesjourney]

Under construction

Summary: You're struggling with ptsd, but the boys know just what you need.

You entered the house with a loud bang, literally throwing your bag, your box of stuff and your high heels in the corner, Bucky and Steve running from the kitchen to see what happened, only to see you shut your door with an even louder bang, while sniffling. They didn't know what happened, so they didn't know if you needed them or if you needed space. ... Until Bucky found the papers near the door, all crumpled up.

You had been fired. Sure you got a nice sum for it, but regardless of it you've been fired. You worked really hard, climbed the corporal ladder in the past 2 years, only to be fired. Sure you weren't the same person as before, but who was? At least now they knew you needed space to calm down, then you'd come to them for comfort.

It was dinner time when you emerged from the room, heading for the kitchen. Steaks with salad. It was delicious but again what wasn't that Steve made... He was a damn great cook.

After a long silence, only the utensils and plates clinking, they couldn't wait anymore.

-How was your day sweetheart? - They knew.. but they tried to get you to talk.

You picked up your wine glass, gulped it down in one. They looked at eachother with a hint of this is a big problem .

-How was my day? well.. i got fired for not doing my job great. not nearly as great as i did before i nearly fucking died 3 months ago. As if you'd heal from trauma in 3 months. I NEARLY FUCKING DIED. It won't just go away. Never will... ANd... i'd never wish for anyone to live through what i lived through that day, but i'd really appreciate if they'd keep their fucking unwanted wisdom to themselves... "at least your alive... " heck yea i'm alive, but that doesn't bring that 9 people i've seen die back now.. does it? it won't ever take away the fucking pain i felt, the panic we all felt, that immediate feeling of need to protect everyone... How i held strangers hand just to give them some strenght as the firefighters pulled their lifeless loved ones from the remains of that fucking bus. So excuse me if i can't even pretend to be the same. I hate that fucking job, i hate the people even more..

You only stopped to breath when you felt 4 arms around you. You let out a sob you didn't know you held back until then. Bucky and Steve hugged you closely without a word. They knew your trauma, they knew how it worked. From their own experience, and from educating themselves. They knew it possibly won't ever fully go away regardless of theraphy, and that you have changed because of it. How could you not. Walking out from hell on your own legs was a blessing and a curse at the same time. It was hard, and you have been even harder on yourself. It stared with not being able to take on the workload as before, then came the grief, and blaming yourself, which stayed. Then came the hate and the anger towards yourself for not being better. You struggled with this every day, and your boss firing you for this was just the cherry on top. How dare they belittle the love of their life.

-I'm sorry, i just.. i.. i fought hard for years only to be replaced overnight.. I don't even wanna work there anymore.

-I know doll... why don't you take it slow, maybe rest a bit, start your own business.. Maybe something creative. I know how you always wanted to be a webdesigner. - said Bucky while rubbing circles on the back of neck as you laid your head on his chest. Your eyes lit up.

-YOu remember that?

-Of course i remember doll.. In fact... well, we wanted to keep this a secret until christmas but i think it's about time we give this to you.. - he said as Steve slid something before you on the table. It was a new laptop, perfect for graphic work.

-Well this is a part of it.. YOu know the old closet next to the kitchen? Well um.. we kind of renovated it, so you'd have a little office.. Even installed a window..

-There's a new window on the house, and you made a whole office for me and i never even noticed?

-You worked a lot doll - they chuckled.

-II.. i don't know what to say... i just.. thank you for being there for me.. i love you both so much.. - you said with new tears in your eyes, as Steve picked you up to show you the office with the biggest smile on his face.

[breadboylovin]

NEW POST FOR MY 95060 PLAYLIST!!! complete with explanations of every song choice under the cut because i love explaining my own creative decisions for some reason (PLEASE DO NOT FEEL COMPELLED TO READ ALL OF IT IF YOU DONT WANT TO ITS VERY LONG LOL). i may add a few songs here and there later on, or more likely rearrange what i've already put in slightly, but for now i consider it done.

alright now heres a look into my twisted mind

PART 1: TEMPTATION

Franz Ferdinand - Michael: It's a song about seducing someone named Michael. What more can I ask for (serious explanation is that it’s also very homosexually charged like you just have to listen to it… also feels taunting in a way where it’s like ‘oooooh you want me so bad’ and he’s RIGHT Michael DOES want him so bad). Also credit to this post for letting me know this song existed and inspiring me to make this playlist in the first place :-3

Mystery Skulls - Paralyzed: Just another song about how Michael is awestruck by David and feels compelled to follow him for whatever reason (the reason is that he wants him so bad)

TAEMIN - WANT: This is one of three Taemin songs on here because I think if David survived until present day he would fucking LOVE Taemin. Anyways this is a song about knowing you’re hot shit and everyone wants you and I think after seducing Michael through fucking?? Fatal motorcycle races and evil noodle mind tricks??? David deserves to feel that

Glass Animals - Gooey: OHGHGHGHFH THIS SONG… the vibes are impeccable on this one, Dave Bayley’s alluring voice feels like a slight remix of what David is going for and the way it feels like the singer is trying to convince the listener of something (even though it’s purposely vague) just FEELS like David with Michael. The line “I can’t take this place, I can’t take this place/I just need to go where I can get some space” especially fits when imagining how Michael is new to Santa Carla and may want a place to belong that David and the boys are happy to provide

TAEMIN - Impressionable: I see this as the moment that Michael downs the bottle of “wine”, where this song is David’s internal monologue reveling in how easy it was to charm Michael and get him to join. I always thought this sounded like a taunting villain song so it just fits. Also it’s like ridiculously horny which is a plus

PART 2: THE RELATIONSHIP ITSELF

MGMT - Me and Michael: In my head this is directly after Michael drinks the “wine”, and if it were an actual song in the movie, it’d play instead of Cry Little Sister in that scene. I already made art related to this but I really just love the juxtaposition between something that Michael will later see as horrible (becoming a half-vampire) and David seeing it as a perfect slow-dance moment. Also “Me and Michael, it’s not a question now” because the blood drinking has now linked them together… mmmmm. Credit to this post again for making me find this song!!

ALI - DESPERADO: This one is less about David and Michael specifically and more about how the night in the cave went down for everyone there, starting with a soft slowness as they ate and then descending into chaos as Michael downs the wine and they celebrate a new addition to the pack. The bacchanal energy is off the charts

Dorian Electra - Man to Man: This song is just one that I attribute to all of the boys because I think they do a lot of homoerotic sparring. Also the part of the movie where Michael punches David in the face and David just goes >:-3 back at him

Chase Atlantic - Friends: I don't know what it is about this one but it just Hits… The chorus kinda sounds like David and the boys trying to convince Michael to stay with them instead of coming back to human society after drinking the blood, in the same sort of taunting manner that they had when David (presumably?) made Michael hallucinate the bike lights and sounds outside of his house

Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer: THIS SONG IS JUST REALLY GOOD. I don't know what it is about this one either… I guess the “Maybe I should hate you for this/Never really did ever quite get that far” part could represent the first glimpse of Michael’s more conflicted feelings about David. Also the second half of verse 2 not only fucks so hard but could also be indicative of Michael’s repressed gay feelings, lying to himself about how he wanted to be around David because he’s cool or whatever but he actually just has the hots for him and would let him do anything if he asked to

MGMT - Little Dark Age: Mostly here just for vibes. Have y’all seen that one edit set to this song? Yeah

The Neighborhood - Prey: I feel like this song captures the general unease that Michael feels right before he sees the boys kill for the first time, knowing that he’s probably turning into a vampire and something horrible is happening… especially with “Something is wrong, I feel like prey” just generally describing what it must feel like to be a human among vampires (though he’s not fully human anymore at this point)

PART 3: REALIZATION + FIGHTING BACK

TAEMIN - Criminal: YET ANOTHER TAEMIN SONG!!!! It’s all about realizing you're with someone who’s like, an evil manipulative villain and genuinely bad for you but you can’t escape just yet because you’re kinda into it. I don't think David is THAT bad of a guy, but Michael could be like “I need to get out of this situation because this man is a vampire but I feel attracted to him and it’s hard to really get away”. Also the line “My hands holding yours that stabbed me are not clean either” just HITS cus Michael hates David’s vampirism but HE’S a half-vampire now so it’s not like he’s innocent either. This is just a really good 95060 song AND a good song in general, listen to it even if you don't normally like K-pop cus it slaps

Glass Animals - Wyrd: This would be the moment where Michael snaps out of it and just starts running away, but to no avail, because he’s still a half-vampire (“You can’t run so you must hide” meaning that he can’t outrun his new monstrous nature, the best he can do is hide it until it eats him alive). Meanwhile David laments over how this is a stupid decision from his perspective (“So, my friend, our time is done/You and I could’ve had so much”)

Moonface - Minotaur Forgiving Theseus: This is a very veeeeery bitter song from Michael’s perspective about David being a vampire… with the “You’re just a hitman” repetition referencing how David. Y’know. Eats people. And the “I heard you're coming for me now” references both how David first approached him and the impending confrontation

The Neighborhood - The Beach: This song goes from the bitterness of the previous one to a pseudo-acceptance of the end of their brief friendship and what’s inevitably going to happen next. However, I think the bridge of the song illustrates the little bit of Michael that doesn’t want this to happen, that wants this relationship to somehow work out because he cares about David even if he is a vampire (unfortunately he ends up repressing this because he feels a duty to kill David now)

Gorillaz - Rhinestone Eyes: This is mostly in here because of the music video, the buildup to a battle just echoes in my head whenever I hear this song now. In the context of this playlist it makes me imagine David looking up at the Emerson’s house from the hotel (and Michael doing the opposite) knowing that something’s about to happen and it’s going to be horrible

Glass Animals - JDNT: This entire song feels like the climax of the movie. Verse 1 feels like the Emersons and Frogs getting ready to attack the cave (“I’m all armored up”) with “I feel that final poke” being when Marko gets staked, and the chorus right after is a tinge of regret that Michael feels once the plan starts to take shape. Verse 2 is the other boys waking up to see that Marko is dead + them dying themselves (“Where my funny friends gone?”) and the bridge is Michael and David’s fight before Michael finally gores David on the antlers. The outro of “You can’t breathe without me” VERY much feels like David taunting Michael from beyond the grave, knowing how much Michael loved him and how horrible what he’s just done is

PART 4: GRIEF

The Brazen Youth - Burn Slowly/I Love You: Ooooooghghgh the conflicted feelings about their relationship is STRONG in this one… The “Burn Slowly” part being him trying to convince himself that he did the right thing by killing David while the “I Love You” part is him realizing that he really did love David and it fucking hurts

Sufjan Stevens - The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us: MAN. MAN… Everything past “I can’t explain the state that I'm in” is just so… it’s Michael realizing what he had even more and just how much it hurts that he’s lost it. He knows he was in love now and it fucking hurts SO MUCH!!!!!

Sufjan Stevens - The Only Thing: [head in my fucking hands] Michael moping around Santa Carla because it feels empty without David. All the “should I tear my eyes out now?/Should I tear my heart out now?” parts oh my GOOOOOOOOD sufjan stevens i'm going to slap you on the head.

Paramore - Tell Me How: THIS SONG HURTS SO MUCH ITS SO. It’s another one about conflicting feelings so theoretically it should be earlier in the story but I always envision something very morbid when listening to this (and have now written a fic about it so check that out)… Michael going back to the hotel where he put David’s body and musing to no one, asking how he’s supposed to feel now, the “And always coming to your defenses” where Michael keeps defending David and their relationship to his family who all think David was a horrible monster… this song fucking hurts. Also I unintentionally drew a parallel between JDNT’s “You can’t breathe without me” and this song’s “Do I suffocate or let go?” and now that I’ve realized that it hurts even more. Fuck this song

[eusuntgratie]

4, 14, 20, 32, 56, 75, 78, 103 :) :) :), 127, 134. omg that's so many I'm sorry

lol here we go... my entire life story to follow...

4: 3 things I love

cooking for people i love, snuggling my babe, sitting on my deck with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and writing or watching kiddo play or chatting with husband

14: Do I have a crush

usually haha. nothing too intense at the moment. i'm too busy wanting to sit on my couch in my sweatpants to really nurse a crush 😂

20: First thing I notice in new person

oof idk. how they treat people and make them feel, me included. also what they look like if f2f bc i'm a slut.

32: Someone I love

you 😘

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

uhhhhh. idk i want to have a cool answer but i'm very tired. i would love to sit ryan and oliver down and ask them about some of their acting choices like DO YOU KNOW HOW LOUD YOUR EYES ARE?!?! also um i hear jason momoa is getting divorced sooooo 👀 OH GOD i'm a terrible person i'm sorry (am i though? he seems to be into tiny women and i am quite short hiiiiiiiiiiiii)

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

reading this buddie fic on my phone in my bed trying not to drop the phone on my face while aggressively thirsting after the mental image of a tattoo artist!buck 🥵

78: How can you win my heart?

answered here

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

🙄🙄🙄🙄

NO. i eat everything except pickles. if was rich and had free time, i'd only eat locally farmed meat and stuff my husband & family hunts & fishes. but yes, i eat meat. if we had more land and i had free time, i'd happily raise meat critters. for now, i've got one old cranky hen who lays about one egg a week and will probably live to be 15 😂

127: Met someone famous?

just hoechlin! and met is quite generous, but i'll take it. HE IS SO PRETTY JESUS CHRIST HAVE I MENTIONED BEFORE HOW PRETTY HE IS? i met some musicians and semi-famous people in grad school too, but nobody i cared enough about to remember in detail.

134: What do I want for birthday?

some time to write, a yummy dinner, and snuggles from my kid. i'm not a stuff person, i don't want or need things. fic and gif spam and art and playlists and other lovely creative things like that always make me 🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰 ooh maybe a tattoo should i get myself a tattoo this year? can my artist look like buck though?

random ass asks | ask grace