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kittyit · 7 years

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2017 book roundup! this year, i read 127 books. (goodreads challenge)

here are some of the best ones:

witchcraze: a new history of the european witch hunts by anne llewellyn barstow can’t recommend this book enough! i learned so much about the witch hunts. did you know they were how the patriarchy actually rose in europe? barstow writes very informatively and is easy to digest. this book is upsetting because of the gendered violence that was very prevalent during this massacre - violence that every other (male) historian that wrote about the witch hunts before her totally discounted.

the disappearing L by bonnie j morris essential reading if you’re a lonely lesbian or a queer-identified person who wants to know what us crazy dykes are all worked up about. dr. bonnie lovingly and thoroughly documented the lesbian community during its prime of the 70s-90s, and dissects the reasons why it has been and is still being systemically destroyed.

dark places, sharp objects, and gone girl by gillian flynn haven’t ever read anything like these and don’t think i will again until she puts out another book. exquisite and devastating.

combating cult mind control by steven hassan i think everyone should read this book. undue influence (previously named as mind control before the term became too sensationalized) is woven into many subcultures, social groups, and even relationships between two or more people. this book is grounding and informative.

bloodchild and other stories by octavia e. butler really incredible and touching short story collection. octavia butler makes me feel like no one else can. i read her works at a slow pace because the knowledge that i’ll run out someday makes me feel really frantic.

the sleep of reason: an anthology of horror definitely not for the faint-hearted, but this was an INCREDIBLE collection of horror comics. i actually think it’s probably the only one of its kind because i haven’t found anything else that looks similar at all in its intention, aesthetics, and also really awesome character (and author!) diversity

women of the klan: racism and gender in the 1920s this should be an essential american feminist text. understanding how deeply rooted the KKK is and the strategies they used to basically take over multiple midwest states (illinois and missouri included) not even 100 years ago, the ripples of which are still causing extreme consequences.

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado amazing short story collection, instant favorite. i don’t think i’ve ever shed unsettled tears before. loved it.

backlash: the undeclared war against american women by susan faludi incredibly exhaustive history of feminism and the war against it in america. learned so much. history is repeating itself relentlessly. american misogyny is a specific beast and we can know him. found out so much from my first pass at this book and am looking to get a copy to read it over and over. here’s just one tidbit - did you know some of the pioneers of the men’s right movement were some of the first vocal and public “feminist men” who flip flopped? yikes!

womonseed by sunlight lesbian feminist utopia/women’s land short stories. very sweet and soothing and INCREDIBLY earnest. probably a little out there for most.

just want to finish this by encouraging everyone to read. reading is one of my great loves, and i stopped for a long time because of mental health challenges, including trauma, brain damage, and just plain old despair. if you are in the place where you feel like you’ve lost the ability to read or are beating up on yourself because it was easy when you were younger and it’s not now - don’t give up. one thing i recommend for restarting your love for reading is going back to books you loved when you were a kid. animorphs, harry potter, chronicles of narnia, goosebumps - whatever! read things that your heart already knows to remind your brain of its capabilities.

it also can be helpful to have a reading buddy and discuss the stuff you’re reading. you can do this in a bunch of different ways! two ways i’ve tried and enjoyed are reading a chapter together and then discussing, and one of you reading the book first and then the other one brings up what they’re reading as they’re reading it.

if written word doesn’t work for your brain, check out audiobooks! personally, that does NOT work for me, but i know people who it’s much easier for.

read one page a day. read one chapter a day. don’t be afraid to return or put down a book that isn’t holding your interest and switch to one that is. don’t put restrictions on things you “have to read”. DON’T beat yourself up if you can’t stick to a goal you’ve made. ask your local library about their inter-library loan program! most libraries can get you books from all over for a very cheap fee (i’ve lived several places where it’s a quarter or fifty cents a book). advanced reading tip: try reading things by people who you disagree strongly with or would even consider your enemy. understand where they’re coming from so you know how to strategize against them and address their arguments comprehensively. (yes, i DO have a list of books like these that i’ve read!)

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!! you are NOT a failure for struggling with reading, whether it’s your speed, attention span, or anything else, and it doesn’t mean things are hopeless for you. there are more accessibility options and strategies available for you to discover now than ever before. i don’t think reading tons of books should be everyone’s top priority by any means, but i do believe strongly that books are our allies.

#2017 #reading list #hanging /#roundup

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drlauralwalsh · 4 years

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Don't Be Mad at Me.

Anger is a necessary stage of grief. Right? It may be the therapist in me but I can’t get mad at my dead wife. Technically, it’s her fault that she’s dead (by suicide). I’ve got no beef with her because I understand. And you can too.

I recently read “Suicidal: Why We Kill Ourselves” by psychologist Jesse Bering. Ok fine, I listened to the audiobook while doing yard work. I found the book oddly satisfying and peaceful. Death has that effect on people - especially horrible deaths. The really sad things end up….well, validating. It makes us morbid and we want to talk about gross stuff. It can also make us really funny - like the beautiful charm of my dead wife’s thumbprint on a necklace. IT’S A CHERISHED KEEPSAKE! It doesn’t matter that the print was taken posthumously. As the widow, you have to agree with me.

Dr. Bering’s book is a mix of academic research and personal stories. He touches on Baumeister’s stage theory of suicide first described in the 1990 article “Suicide as escape from self.” Dr. Berring applies Baumeister’s stages to the diary of a young woman who died by suicide. On the outside, the young woman appeared successful and happy. On the inside, she was suffering. Her journal entries follow a predictable pattern, describing the downward spiral towards her death.

As you know, suicide is a bit of a soapbox for me. Baumeister’s steps bring order to a chaotic experience. For me, it shifted how I thought of events before Patty died. Instead of thinking of it as a series of choices she made, her death became something that happened to her. Understanding the progressive stages of suicidal thinking makes the process knowable. It doesn’t answer the bigger question of why bad things happen but it’s a start.

To my fellow suicide loss survivors - this doesn’t mean you missed something. Obviously, we did because, you know...but let’s take the young woman as an example. It only became evident to her parents in retrospect. We only see the whole picture once we’ve put the puzzle together. In the middle, there’s not enough information to know anything for sure. However, these stages do provide important information for more effective prevention.

I was trying to think of the perfect blend of dark humor and suicide education. It’s actually not that funny aside from one liners like, “Thanks for your help! I would have asked my wife but dang it, she killed herself,” or “Patty and I had planned to move south for retirement but she retired early.” The best I can do is give you interesting information and hope this helps you understand your loved one. Here’s my interpretation of the stages:

Stage 1: Falling short of Unrealistic Standards

An earthquake event creates what I call the tsunami. Something big happens- bad news, a diagnosis, loss or divorce, or a critical tipping point. It crashes over and overwhelms you. We’ve all had this happen to us. How we deal with it comes down to locus of control - in other words, who gets the blame and responsibility. Generally, everyone is inclined to either believe the world acts upon you (externalizing) or you act upon the world (internalizing). The objective truth lies somewhere in the middle. In the extreme, externalizers point to everyone else as the cause of their misery while internalizers put themselves at risk by hoarding all the blame for themselves.

Stage 2: Attributions of Self

Taking blame and responsibility is power. However, some internalizers also have unrealistically high expectations of themselves. Realistically, sometimes things just happen to us (i.e. the world acts upon us) and there’s no one to blame. An internalizer’s downfall is believing they have more power than they do. Some complex experiences can’t be fixed by one person and internalizing individuals believe this is a personal failure. This is a point of intervention if the person can catch it. Otherwise, it’s the kindling of despair and low self esteem.

Stage 3: Heightened Aversive Self Awareness

Now that the individual has absorbed more blame and responsibility than they can possibly manage, they cannot help fixating on the painful awareness of failures. An unintended result is withdrawing and detaching from the support of friends and family. As these connections are lost, the individual feels trapped inside a thick wall of glass. Unable to receive help or shift to the bigger picture, the individual turns further inward. Without access to perspective and social support, they begin running out of options.

Stage 4: Negative Affect

A downward spiral builds on negativity from the previous stages. The awareness of perceived inadequacies is now excruciating. Coupled with social detachment, the individual feels completely alone with their now unsolvable problems. The pain, endless and unbearable, gradually overwhelms their ability to cope.

Stage 5: Cognitive Deconstruction

Escape from their own mind is the one last, stopgap strategy. Now detached from their internal struggle, the person avoids or rejects the pursuit of answers or meaning. Time slows down as a switch from future thinking to each current moment occurs. “Going through the motions” temporarily numbs painful emotions as the individual distracts from the pain with mindless, concrete functions like chores, simple games, or mundane tasks. Tightly holding back the tide of painful thoughts takes all their emotional energy. Little consideration is given to friends or family and the individual may see themselves as a burden.

Stage 6: Disinhibition

In this last stage, the person can only think in black-or-white. The pain inside the glass prison has no time - no beginning or end. Substance use, careless or risky behaviors, self harm, and social passivity are signs of impaired reasoning. After exhausting all other strategies, the individual concludes it comes down to inescapable pain or death. No one could endure this level of unremitting pain for long. Resigned and accepting their impending death, the individual’s pain tolerance increases and their fear of death crumbles.

Passing through these stages may take months or even days with significant overlap between them. In retrospect, I can see my wife moving quickly through each of these stages over a handful of days. She didn’t know what was happening and neither did we. One of the reasons we don’t always recognize this process is precisely what makes it fundamentally human - the individual is trying to solve their problems. It’s instinctive to seek options to ease our own pain. How can we tell when someone crosses that razor fine line between coping and the downward spiral when it looks the same?

It’s important to understand that a death by suicide is something that happened to your loved one rather than a series of rational choices. Inside the experience of intense pain, time stops, rational thought leaves you and the options narrow. We’re not inside their heads but we can map out the path they took. Consider this: imagine you’ve lost something precious down a deep well. You climb down inside, searching ever deeper for it. You know it’s there but you can’t find it. Darkness falls and now you’re stuck clinging to the wall. How deep is the well? No one hears your cries for help. You’re cold and your muscles are giving out. How long could you hold on?

A reasonable person with perspective does not choose death. Yet as a culture, we still lay blame and responsibility in the dead person’s lap. What we don’t understand, we externalize. They decided to kill themselves, right? This assumption lacks empathy. The raw fact is in a similar situation, we might make the same “choice” as well. Everyone has a limit.

After my wife died, the pain of losing her has been intense and unyielding. I longed to be with her. My own death seemed the only choice to accomplish this goal. If she’d dealt with her pain by running off to Antarctica, I’d want to follow her there. What has protected me from following the path we’ve outlined?

For starters, I see life from a different angle. While I’m an internalizer, I also give the world it’s fair share of responsibility. Sometimes shit just happens and life isn’t fair. As a recovering control freak, I now acknowledge my high need for control - and the limits of it. Most of the time, I control by choosing not to fight.

Our motivations are different as well. What pushed her down the path was a tangle of events she found too complicated to resolve. Similarly, I too have a complicated tangle of grieving her while sorting out the estate, comforting the kids, and making very difficult choices for my life.

One big difference between me and most people is that I never fail. It’s not that I don’t make mistakes, of course; it’s what I do with these adverse experiences. In my mind, they are puzzles to solve. Even as an optimist, I’ve had to work on that mindset. Understanding something is powerful. It also strips away anger. Following knowledge to the root brings clarity. I just don’t feel angry towards my wife because she didn’t choose to leave us. She was trying to relieve a terrible pain with the only methods she knew. She didn’t understand the implications herself.

Right now, I’m solving the puzzle of my wife’s suicide. Even if I get deep in the well of figuring it out, I’ve got my safety rope to climb back up. Another tsunami could easily knock me off right now. The tsunami is the perfect storm. Given the right set of circumstances, we’re each at risk for suicide. Research is still figuring out the puzzle of prevention for now. In the meantime, when the world acts upon you, control by deciding to be vulnerable. And wherever you go, take your own rope.

#grief #suicide #suicide loss #suicide loss survivor #stages of suicide #Baumeister

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