#but also Q missing his own Bond and wondering what that says abt him

[patrice-bergerons]

📚

I thought I was all out of loose fic ideas and then that Belvedere vodka ad happened so may I give you football hooligan!Bond AU, with um my sincere apologies.

But Q accidentally gets yanked into a different timeline and (a) there is no original Q here - maybe he died as a child - and (b) Bond was never raised by his aunt when his parents died but instead taken in by a Cockney family friend and grew up in East London. Raised in a loving, if also boisterous, household, he skated right past M's 'orphans make the best recruits' metric and never got involved with MI6, or for that matter, even the Navy.

Instead he owns a chain of laundrettes as a front and makes most of his money via Crime TM -- and finds it absolutely hilarious that he is using a laundrette to launder money.  Bond is openly bi in this verse, and seamlessly blends together camp with a dirtbag crime lord aesthetic. He is also a true loose cannon.

In the beginning Q is disoriented and also very alone bc no matter in how high regard he hold his colleagues, he has too much sense to go to anyone involved at MI6 with secret knowledge about their lives and a tale about how he is not from this timeline, actually. 

I think he runs into Bond when Bond saves him from a tough spot - maybe he is getting mugged or falls into the Thames - and Bond seeing this attractive but also desperate twink, decides to help him even after he rescues him.  But, he explains, the crew he runs with is no place for a posh Oxbridge boy like Q, so the only way to keep him safe is if they pretend he is Bond’s new boy toy (Q: “I resent that characterisation.” Bond: “It’s either that or the street, sweetheart.”)

I don’t have a plot yet per se but the story would feature a great amount of bewilderement from Q (including the fact that he is now running with criminals), a realisation of how much of the Bond he knows is a result of lifelong trauma and how much, including his kindness, is innate, Q’s skills with guns and ability to make anything explode coming in surprisingly handy, underground boxing which Bond is surprsingly good at, and of course, hot sex. 

Euros would also be on during this time which gives Q more exposure to football and three lions fan culture than he ever wanted to, and I think, in the midst of all this chaos I could sneak in some ponderings on cultural disconnect and diaspora trauma what with Bond a Scotsman being an avid England NT fan.