#but another side of me that defaults to accepting others' preferences without justification and feels really bad about screwing things up | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

scarletblob · 5 months ago

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Basically haven't done anything university-related for over a year since I took/was pressured into a leave; finally checked my school email today and briefly looked at the 'return from leave' requirements and immediately felt all the stress return and ruined my mood for the rest of the week :/

#complaining instead of doing my work #I fully admit it's personally irresponsible of me to neglect everything for so long #but every time I think about school my mind just fills with all the complaints I've ever heard or read from teachers/instructors #about how students who do things like this are all lazy/incapable of motivation/deeply frustrating and can't be helped #there's one side of me that thinks 'if you as a teacher take it very personally that I'm screwing up -my- life then that's your problem'#but another side of me that defaults to accepting others' preferences without justification and feels really bad about screwing things up #and then I end up doing nothing at all because even thinking about it makes me feel bad. which is obviously very helpful and productive #also doesn't help that my assigned point of contact at the university support services is like. nice but very patronising.#kind of treats me like a child. speaks (in my admittedly questionable judgement) too personally instead of keeping professional distance.#assumes that I have a good relationship with my family. etc.#logically I know I should just write him an email anyway and ask for next steps to either drop out officially or return #but emotionally I would rather do just about anything else #edit: I wrote the email and spent an incredibly embarrassing amount of time revising the wording to be precise and appropriate #and the recipient replied with one sentence with a spelling mistake. lol

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