#but bc my dad is stubborn and cheap as fuck he's like

[safyresky]

wheeeeeeeeeeeew

[iveneverseenthesebowlsbefore]

Family nonsense vent (don't read it yo it's depressing and grody)

Sometimes I think about spilling the beans to my dad. Like I wonder if it would even change anything yk? Like if I came up to him one day outta the blue and point blank was like 'So hey, your stepson full on molested me when I was 15, I came to your wife for help when I was desperate for it to stop and all she said was "Well. Sorry that happened to you. But it wasn't his fault." (Must have been mine i guess) And then: "Don't tell your father.” (Cuz he didn't do anything wrong but also don't tell anyone.)

"He'd never forgive him." she said.

And then, guess what dad? It kept happening! Not as bad as that first time, only because I was hyper-vigilant af (which resulted in tons and tons of cptsd but that's another story), but I couldn't avoid him entirely. We lived in the same house.

He'd wait for me outside the shower when I was in a towel. He'd try to corner me in the living room at night when everyone else was sleeping. He'd wait til we were alone and say 'hey lets play truth or dare'. He'd come up with innocuous seeming reasons to touch me around people and didn't care or stop when I asked him to. He'd say, 'let's go see a movie together' and try to feel me up in the theater. It was never not fucking gross. Can you imagine what it felt like, the anxiety, the fear that I felt every time I knew i had to come over? And with all the back and forth...can you even imagine how much that fucked me up as a kid?

And for the rest of my childhood i was alone with it. All alone. All alone in avoiding his advances. All alone in avoiding him. There was no one to help me. I had already come to her for help. And she had made it clear that protecting her and her son was more important than me. She made it clear she would do absolutely nothing. That i was on my own.

And then dad, you know what else? She made me apologize to him. Yeah! Because i didn't want to hang out with him. And risk it happening again. She knew what he did to me and she made me say sorry to him anyway. How fucked is that? Cuz it hurt her poor wittle rapey baby's wittle rapey feelings :(((

Remember when she said she loved me the same as her real kids? She's so good, great even at saying the right stuff.

Talk is fucking cheap.

And when i tried to just BEGIN to tell you about it, tell you that i didn't WANT to come back to that house, i didn't WANT to come back and hang out there, hang out in a place that was never anything but dangerous for me. Hang out with the guy who never stopped trying to get in my pants. Hang out with the woman who let it happen. Hang out with *you* who let me get hurt over and over again under your own roof and then acted like i was a horrible person for not wanting to live with my abuser. Hang out in a place where i had to still ALWAYS pretend I was, not just ok, but happy! Because I wasn't allowed not to be. What did you do? You didn't ask me why. You didn't stop to listen. You didn't even hear me. You just got so angry at me for suggesting you two weren't perfect parents. You were cruel. In a way you would never ever be to your other daughter. You sent me email after email. Telling me that i was a child and a piece of shit and a stubborn brat throwing a tantrum cuz she wanted her daddy all to herself. That bc karen fed me dinner she was a loving wonderful mother and how fucking DARE I and what about my half-sister what about her?? Fuck your own happiness and safely, you seemed to say over and over, it's about my wife and daughter's happiness and safety!

How do you think that made me feel dad?

I was your daughter too.

I was your daughter first

You were supposed to be my dad. You were supposed to love me, unconditionally. Why was I never worth protecting? Why were you their champion always, and not once for me? Even though I was the only one who really needed it?

Reread those email you sent me dad. You tell me if you would ever say those things to your only other daughter. And when you realize that, no, no way in hell you would then tell me how is it ok you said them to me? What makes her worth so much MORE than me?

And why don't you care? Why don't you care that you failed me as a father so very, very deeply?’

And the answer there is because he doesn't love me. Not really. He can't. He doesn't know who I am. Just the person i had to become in order to survive. The worst part is she's not even real but he'll always love her more than he ever will me. That goes for the rest of the family too. And why wouldn't they? She exists only to make everyone around her comfortable and happy 24/7 and only at the cost of her own sanity.

And the funny thing is, all that being said I honestly don't think he’d believe me anyway. She'd probably tell him it never happened and I'm making it all up and being the POS I am and trying to get his attention and blah blah any of the other hurtful things she's said about me a million times before. And ofc he'd believe her. He always has. It was always so easy for him to accept the idea that I was a piece of shit. And that one honestly still hurts.

But what can I do. Everything she says is gospel and everything out of my mouth is a dirty rotten lie meant to accuse and slander and attack my poor innocent perfect stepmother who has done nothing wrong ever. And then I'd have to watch him come to her rescue. Again. Because she's the victim. Always.

She slapped her 3yo kid across the face, she washed his mouth out with soap while he begged her to stop - a toddler! - she said i was just jealous of my step-sister cuz 'she's thin and you're not' when we had an argument, she called me spoiled and selfish and lazy and a brat and inconsiderate - let's be real, she verbally abused the shit out of us. At 36 years old, i have still never been spoken to, screamed at, the way she spoke to me as an 8 year old. Never before and never since.

Sometimes i think about a scenario where you and karen got divorced and you remarried a woman just like her - do you think if your new wife spoke to my half-sister the way you let karen speak to me that she would be ok with it? No fucking way. She would NEVER allow it. She'd lose her mind if some strange woman called her daughter the kinds of things she called me. Why was it ok for me? She wasn't my mother. Why was it fine for her to go in my closet and throw out my things, things my mother had bought me no less! But it was, it was ok for her to throw away any item of clothing that made me feel safe during the worst of my teenage years for no damn reason, only because she didn't like being disobeyed.

It was ok for her to holler and scream and carry on like a child whenever she fucking felt like it while we weren't allowed to have a reaction. It was fine that she yelled at me when i was sick or sad. Fine that she screamed at my friends, fine that she made my suicide attempt at 15 about her. Fine that she never stopped threatening to get rid of my dog, fine that she treated pets like they were things, fine that she said some of the most oblivious tactless things i have ever heard with absolutely no self-awareness. Fine that she manipulated me and treated me like i was an idiot and didn't think i could tell. Fine that i will be messed up for the rest of my life because of the way that you yet let her treat me.

I get it. It's soooo much easier if I'm just a piece of shit who hates him and his perfect family for no fucking reason.

But man it really gets to me sometimes. The fact that she knows. That she knows this is the reason I've gone NC and that every day she just. Doesn't say a word. She doesn't tell my dad or even my half-sister *anything*. Just lets them go right on believing that im just a Bad Person who hates them for no reason. Like that's. that's just fucked up man.

I used to think she was just protecting her son and even though it hurt to death I understood it. But lately I'm realizing that the whole time she's really just been protecting herself. Which is very on brand for her and I shouldn't be surprised but man. I still am. I truly truly do not know how she sleeps at night.

[teflonsos]

⌠ MIGUEL HERRAN, 21, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, RICARDO ‘RICKY’ ALONSO! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in DRIVER’S ED; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (5 a.m. cigarettes after a sleepless night, the smell of burning rubber after driving so fast you break the sound barrier, cheap vodka in an expensive shotglass, scraped knees and elbows from reckless parkour). when it’s the (scorpio)’s birthday on 11/04/98, they always request their CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ kati, 23, est, she/her ⍀ @gallagherintro

STATS / PINTEREST / CONNECTIONS / CLASSES

INSPIRATION.

fernando alonso – formula 1

james hunt – formula 1

jp – redline

peter quill – guardians of the galaxy 

emmett cullen – twilight

mercutio – romeo & juliet

han solo – star wars

charlie pace – lost

vert wheeler – acceleracers 

BACKGROUND + CLICK FOR FULL BIO.

when ricky is born, there are expectations as the firstborn male but they are expectations that ricky refuses to meet. he’s stubborn, insolent, and straight up annoying. his dad is mysteriously never around and his mother suffers from chronic illness, so he generally has free range of the house and...free range to harass and drive out nanny after nanny

his younger sister is the balancing force in his life, proper in all the ways that he’s a mess and polite in all the ways that he’s uncouth. however, they get along really well and she’s his best friend in an otherwise large, empty house.

as he gets older, his father’s comings and goings are more noticeable to ricky and he realizes that he doesn’t really understand what his dad’s job actually is? and his father won’t answer his questions about it either. one night, when ricky is about ten years old, he sneaks downstairs to find his father covered in blood. at first he screams until he realizes, that’s not his father’s blood – it’s someone else’s.

put the pieces together, his dad is a blackthorne alumn, assassin, and...brotherhood member. 

ricky doesn’t really get the chance to be close with his parents, but he is super close with his grandfather. his grandfather is a big man with a full laugh who used to race formula one like, back in the sixties. he’s a big name, and ricky wants to be like him, and his grandfather is the one that gets ricky really into the sport. racing. 

ricky starts off by racing t cars, and when he’s fourteen and sneaking out to the track with his sister, things go awry. they’re stopped and kidnapped by brotherhood members. from conversations by the kidnappers, he can surmise that his father has something to upset the brotherhood and the kidnapping is a move to keep his father in his place. ricky have to listen to his father tell the kidnappers he doesn’t give a fuck about him (likely a bluff, but still stings) over the phone.

ricky’s father’s move doesn’t work, and he doesn’t get to them in time. ricky has to beg on the phone for his life. a gunshot rings out. everything else is a blur.

ricky wakes up the next day with a million questions, but there’s one answer: his sister will never walk again. a gunshot has left her without the use of her legs, but otherwise she’ll make a full recovery. she encourages ricky to continue his racing and tells him how much she believes in him.

he takes home trophies year after year while t car racing and people start to learn ricky’s name, to see him as an up and comer as they associate him with his grandfather. the next four years are hard work, but he’s healing from trauma with a new passion and a great support system.

ate age 19, he’s on the podium after his third formula three race, and he wins the championship, raining champagne on his teammates and laughing. his nights are busy, filled with parties and clubs, pretty girls and people willing to give him whatever he wants. 

he awaits the next season and the rise into formula two, but he’s getting ahead of himself. late nights spent partying before the race take their toll on him, and his sister says it best. “you shouldn’t go out there,” she says. “i have to go out there. it’s fine, i’m just a little hungover. besides, it’s raining today. i have the advantage.” but he never learns.

ricky crashes hard, lucky to get off with a tbi and some broken ribs, but the drugs in his system render him a pariah and no one will really want to sponsor him after that. everyone had high hopes for him, but now he just looks like another stupid kid. he’ll never forget the disappointment in his grandfather’s eyes. 

he spends most of the year blowing previous winnings.

after all of that bullshit, his grandfather sits him down. “you’re going to apply to gallagher academy,” he says. and that’s when he tells ricky everything, about his father’s profession, just like his grandfather’s brother and father before him. the legacy, the brotherhood, blackthorne academy, and ricky’s both riveted and horrified. “that’s what my sister got shot for?” 

ricky passes the test while the brotherhood still has its claws clenched tightly around the reigns of gallagher academy somewhere. he’s a good driver, the fastest, and he might’ve been the best if he wasn’t so irrational and drunk on his own pride (among other things.) 

before he can gain the skills to stop his father himself, someone else does. the news comes on ricky’s very first day of school: “dad’s been arrested.” and it’s like his whole world stops, because he always knew his father was bad, just someone else got to him first. 

PERSONALITY.

ADVENTUROUS: ricky is not afraid of risks, and actually, this is usually in a good way. he pushes himself to want and pursue fulfilling life experiences, so while he’s made stupid decisions, he never lets fear stop him from taking chances and trying new things, so he’s pretty open-minded 

CHARISMATIC: pretty good at putting on a smile and making himself likable when he needs to be, he has a nice smile and a good-natured spirit even if he can be a bit MUCH at times ! the kind of asshole that you can’t help but like anyway, he means well 

FLEXIBLE: one of his great strengths is his ability to go with the flow, it doesn’t change him around or turn him inside out when things don’t go his way, he’s pretty adaptable and able to adjust when there’s a wrench in his plans

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE: ricky has a habit of ruining things when they’re going good for him, he’s notorious for self-sabotage and it probably comes from a mix of feeling like he’s invincible so he pushes limits and because he’s almost comfortable in the label of fuck-up at this point, not wanting to get his hopes up too high

ENTITLED: whether he likes it or not, he comes from a good family and a past where most things have just been handed to him. so, while he’s worked hard, he’s never had to work...that hard. he feels entitled to success and certain things in life and he can be a bit of a dick about it, even out of touch with other ways of life. he tends to feel like he deserves things, such as his gallagher education or another chance at racing

SELF-CENTERED: apart from his sister, ricky very much puts himself first and can be a bit selfish. it’s mostly out of self-preservation, but most of his thoughts revolve around him. he actually puts a lot of pressure on himself, which is why he turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms and doesn’t look at how his actions affect others in his life

HEADCANONS.

when it comes to his memory loss, it’s pretty manageable. he keeps up with medication and IF he gets a good night sleep/eats well...it’s good on his brain. but sometimes he’s not so great about it! his most common habits are: putting something down and forgetting where he just put it, asking you a question he’s already asked, and he’s bad with names

used to be good at fighting games but now he isn’t and he still tries and it’s sad :(

as you can guess, he’s really bad at card games but he likes to gamble so he’ll just bet on other stuff. always ready to put money on the results of a sports game or something, loves to do fantasy brackets

really likes anime movies! watches a lot, but his faves are obviously redline, akira, princess mononoke, perfect blue, and ghost in the shell. he watches anime too and tbh probably a lot of anime i’ve never seen like naruto, one piece, and cowboy bebop. for my sanity please don’t talk to much about them with him bc i won’t know what to write.

loves to skateboard and snowboard, and is pretty good at it because really the main thing is confidence and he has plenty of that! 

loves to play pranks in class or on people, he’s got a whole repertoire of tricks he used to play on his nannies growing up and has no issue with playing them on a teacher with a stick up their ass

his primary coping mechanisms are 1) hating his father 2) cocaine and 3) acting stupid 

is bisexual and honestly doesn’t give a fuck! guys, girls, whatever, sex is sex and he’s gonna like who he likes. has never come out to his parents but has never known them well enough for it to matter. 

had a steady long term girlfriend but she broke up with him when he started to tank his future and started partying more, probably as self-preservation for herself and ricky feels guilty about how he treated her, doesn’t want to put anyone else through that

really likes german cars so it’s a bummer that he missed out on the berlin trip, he’s going to geek out and cry any time someone mentions berlin to him, he’ll be so jealous of their semester

has wicked good eyesight, 20/20 vision which is great on the track but he also has really good aim on a shooting range, he’s a pretty observant person as well 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

BROTHERHOOD CONNECTIONS. Someone who also had someone close to them (likely a family member) that was also arrested for being involved with the Brotherhood by the strike team. Both Ricky and your muse are dealing with the shock of this together. 

FAN? SOMEONE WHO FOLLOWS RACING? Someone who watched Ricky’s rise and fall from grace by being invested in F1. It would make sense if they were a big fan of Ricky’s grandfather...and Ricky is the disappointment. Idk someone with predisposed opinions on Ricky. 

PARTNER IN CRIME. The two of them just vibe like immediately they both have the same chaotic energy and encourage each other’s recklessness to take chances and do stupid shit, are probably hilarious and can’t take anything seriously when they’re in the same room together, the kind of friends that other people can’t stand to see them together.

WHOLESOME FWB. They get along really well as friends and mainly just need to scratch an itch sometimes. None of that toxic shit, they probably lay around and talk about their crushes and are actually friends.

CONFIDANT. Late night rooftop conversations, this person can get Ricky to open up, is probably someone who is really chatty and comfortable with their own emotions and they encourage Ricky to be open about his. 

INFATUATION. Ricky doesn’t know your muse at all, just sees them in the hallway and thinks they’re super hot, probably an older and unattainable student that wouldn’t give him a second glance but he’s like...this is my future spouse. They just don’t know I exist. Has never talked to them and they might not even vibe if they ever spoke lol. 

ENEMIES? They simply don’t! Get along? Hate at first sight? They see Ricky smoking a blunt on campus and think he’s stupid irresponsible? He doesn’t remember their name when he should have? He makes a stupid immature comment that rubs your muse the wrong way? Any of the above, ready to fight at any moment. 

RACING BUDDIES. Another driver’s ed student who is willing to race with him after hours or practice together, they both wanna fuck the cars, they both are super competitive and bring that out in each other. 

OLD FAMILY FRIENDS. Their parents knew one another, likely on his dad’s (Blackthorne/spy) side, and they grew up closely. After the kidnapping happened, your character’s parent stopped speaking to the Alonsos and distanced themselves. Your character is probably the only one who knows about that part of Ricky’s past in any detail. 

GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT. Ricky tried to flirt with your character but actually wound up pissing them off by seeming like an entitled white boy, which he is. He’s trying to prove to your character that he’s not so bad! This connection has nothing to do with feet I just had no better ideas for a name I hate feet. 

REALLY BAD SEX. your muse has ricky saved in their phone like [link]...prob a hookup that happens on one of the first days after he heard about his dad but...he’s fucked up and sad and he can’t get it up! It’s literally so embarrassing, maybe they’re both embarrassed, he wants to die when he sees ur muse around bc they saw his limp ass sad boy dick.

CAT AND MOUSE TYPE THING. essentially ricky has a bunch of attempts to flirt with your muse & your muse fucking hates it. Tom and jerry but like, if tom wanted to fuck jerry. I think of this gifset. 

[justkenny]

This doesn't feel real at all. How am i going to be without my mom? Every precious minute of my life being at home. I'm not with my mom.

She's at her sister's senior living apartment, thank god, she has a lot of family that's been taking care of her which I'm thankful for. but then again.

I'm a fucked up person, but I'm realistic. Who is going to take care of my dad and his business. Me!? of course, it's me. Honestly. It's really hard to talk about my family politics bc its weird af

My brother. He's weird. I don't trust him at all. We haven't really spoke to each other since our fight a year ago. Which I'm fine. All I need you to do is be nice to my mom our mom on her last days.

My mom insisted that we install hardwood floor and replace the 40-year-old carpet we have at the house so she could rest in peace at her home. idk everything is happening so fast. idk how long she's going to live.

My friend told me about his grandpa and he had months to live, then it turned into weeks, then days. That fucking scared me.

There's not enough information about bone cancer on Reddit. idk why I trust Reddit, but I do. There's not a lot on there unless you're a young person, and then maybe there's hope for you.

idk what to do man. like fuck. my dad still wants to do his business and i'm trying to figure out how to deal with that. I just can't think. my mental energy is trying to think that she's going to be okay, but she's not. It feels like I'm with her. I think she's going to be okay, but then again. I haven't seen her at her worst already. Jesus. That scares me. I should enjoy every minute with her as I can now because it's going to get worse..

All the news was rapid. I just need a second opinion. Life is going really slow now. Every day is precious to me, but my freaking dad wants us to install the new floor, and I have to worry about the business. Fuck dude. He should have hired someone else. He's so cheap. All my mom wants not carpet on the floor when she dies. My dad should have been retired by now, but no he's freaking stubborn.

This is not real dude, i've been getting fucked up every day now.

She's going to be gone. Forever. For the rest of my life. For an Eternity. Until I die. She's my support system. My everything.

[mymagnificentself]

back in my grandmas room

i should've done that like three hours ago, retreating to a dark empty room is ALWAYS more helpful than being forced to stay in someone's company especially if the fucking TV id running with some cheap, bullshit who wants to be a millionaire knock off having to be subjected to horrible horrible scripted talking and my grandad telling me all about how awesome this show is

all in all its really coming through how... uneducated.. they are

i don't mean that in a degrading way bc of course academic education or any other isn't the most important thing

but they're sort of on a completely different level of... understanding of the world that really heavily collides (like sooooo mANy other thiinnggs) with about everything in my life that i am living, and i am happy to live

and it is just getting more and more exhausting trying to.. idk i guess bridge those fundamental differences between us, that essentially being having reduce the largest part of like everything about me and my personality; part of that being my entire fucking identity

and for the first couple of days it was fun playing pretend and squeezing myself into this box of what they expect from me, but now its like im stuck and i can't breathe and im bruising everywhere and i just want out

idk if im explaining this well or if that even is what i mean bc trying to figure out what im actually thinking or feeling is always... a challenge on its own but i think at least as a metaphor that works..

and it does explain things

although that now begs the question of why in doing it, if i think its too much for them to handle "the real me" or if that just naturally happened and if i should change that or do anything about it

.. but i think not

and actually that expectation of me in that box has always been there and then trying to out me in one which is why I've avoided them so much these last few years

until i figured its not important what they expect from me bc i am now relatively stable in my identity and mental health, so i can afford to play pretend for a few days and be the granddaughter they love so much, if it makes them happy and puts them at ease

because i think it does

maybe they know something else is going on but i think they buy that everything else is genuine

or well they already got that image of me in their heads that there's not much room for anything else

and i don't blame them

like non of this is malevolent, i know they love me, or who they think i am or was and i see that they are trying to be open minded and support me

but they don't _get_ me like that

so i reduce myself down to something they can comprehend, that did fits in their world view.

on a related note i have noticed that my dads a lot like that sometimes, that he just puts people in boxes and judges then based on a little thing and thinks he's got them all figured out but is too stubborn and convinced of himself to budge one inch on his world view

but im not gonna let him off the hook, my grandparents get a pass bc they are special (i used to love them so much when i was a little kid..) and old but i am not making any compromises to accommodate my dad

...hes a work in progress

but yeah so that's my thoughts on that matter, i think im feeling better already, hiding in a dark room on my own ALwAyS helps and just spilling out everything in my head also actually really does help me realise a lot of things

this has gone on forever, id apologise but i do whut i wanna do on my blog and with my life and who knows if some time in the future shit like this will be relevant

..idek but maybe i should go sleep a bit more