#but damn this gives retro horror movie vibe

[moonlit-knightz]

austin would make a great ghost face! he’s got the build and can play psychotic too well 🫢

[themaresnest-dumblr]

Since It’s Coming Up To Halloween, A Good Time To Repost And Update This - Your Handy Goth-U-Like Reference Sheet!

Readers! Have you ever been stuck with trying to think of a Goth band your Gothophobic friends might like and thus give a chance at Halloween?

Here’s your handy cross-reference sheet courtesy of your super soaraway Mare’s Nest!

The Cure: People who still watch ‘Bagpuss’, play the American McGee’s ‘Alice’ series, think Tim Burton is the greatest animator of all time, 99.99999% of all Cosplayers, and people who like eating toast.

Sisters Of Mercy: Politics undergraduates, Guardian readers, people who when they get drunk will defend General Woundwort in Watership Down as a ‘misunderstood victim of events’, people who deny being Goth dusk till dawn.

The Mission: Harry Potter/Worst Witch/Doctor Who fans and weekend pagans who like cosplay. A lot. Those who think The Hobbit movies were better than the Lord Of The Rings ones even if they were less canon, and Captain Campion was a better Chief Rabbit of Efrafa than General Woundwort anyway ...

All About Eve: Fans of My Little Pony, The Chalet School/Mallory Towers/St Claire’s, essential oil baths with scented candles, and buying Amazon rainforest sized amounts of quaint writing paper which they never get around to using.

Die Laughing: See All About Eve and The Mission.

The Cult: people who like heavy metal but could do without the whole Dungeons And Dragons or pretending to be teutonic knights vibes. Also people who like tassles. Lots of tassles.

Merry Thoughts: Sisters of Mercy and Cult fans into Pokemon.

Fields of The Nephilim: ‘Sandman’ comic book fans, people who binge watch ‘Stranger Things’ and ‘The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina’, theology students, Spaghetti western fans, adrift prog rockers thinking ‘oh well, suppose it will do,’ actual pagans that haven’t gone down the all-out-and-listening-to-Fairport-Convention route yet.

Killing Joke: Science and Engineering students who read a lot of old school SF but regard the fanbase as boomer stoners. Those who fancy Geordie. DC Comic fandorks who only like them because it entitled their favourite Batman story. Star Wars fans who only like them because Mark Hamill played the Joker in the tortuous ‘film’ version of said Batman story.

Bauhaus/Love And Rockets:  people who insist that all original classic horror movies in black and white are far superior to their colour remakes.

Rosetta Stone - Miserylab: people who insist all original classic horror movies in black and white are far poorer in comparison to their colour remakes - even the remakes done by Hammer Horror.

The Horatii: those who like old school New Romantic videos with yachts and marigold glove monsters.

Aurelio Voltaire: They Might Be Giants/Pinky And The Brain fans.

Marilyn Manson: David Bowie fans who wished he’d gone more hard rock.

Dronning Maud Land: Fields Of The Nephilim fans who liked the Monty Python movies and post-Python spin offs better than the TV series.

Forthcoming Fire: Retro 8-bit computing fans.

London After Midnight: rubber and silk perverts and people who still believe villains on TV/in film should talk in a silly croaky voice and cackle loudly at the end of every sentence.

Siouxsie and the Banshees: Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker era Doctor Who fans, people who like hanging around big f**k off sized museums, punks, anyone who likes the Beatles or their copycats. eg. ELO, Oasis. Also your parents and grandparents. Just keep them away from the ‘Join Hands’ album.

The Damned: Those who will defend to the death every single Addams Family reboot, no matter how ill conceived in plan or execution. People who think Captain Sensible is ‘funny’. Harry Potter fans who think Rat Scabies would have made a better dad for the Weasleys in the movies.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

The Intruder

Ah, the spring thriller. Not scary enough for Valentine’s Day or Halloween, but probably better than a bargain basement August release. The Intruder treads some pretty familiar territory - Scott (Michael Ealy) and Annie (Meagan Good) are a young urban couple who decide to go the country mouse route and buy a big fancy place out in Northern California wine country. Charlie (Dennis Quaid) is the super creepy owner of the house who is just a wee bit too possessive of his property, even after he sells it. And he sets his sights on Annie as the next piece of property he wants to own. Solid premise, if not all that innovative, right? Well...

Innovative is a big ask. I’d settle for competent, but alas, what we get is uh. Not that.

Some thoughts:

Ah yes, the “here’s a year’s worth of exposition in 2 minutes” scene.

Meagan Good is giving me huge Single White Female vibes with her haircut and clothes all throughout the film. I can’t decide if this is just part of 90s retro making its fashion comeback or if this was a conscious choice by the filmmakers. If I had to guess, I would guess the former. 

So Charlie is introduced to us with deer murder, a creepy handshake, and a giggle. And his house is named after poison. I mean, I get that the movie isn’t really trying to play coy about who the villain is here, but doesn’t that just feel a tad on the fucking nose? This is basically the equivalent of meeting Cruella De Vil in real life. HER NAME IS FUCKING CRUEL DEVIL MAYBE DON’T HANG OUT WITH HER.

“I’ll throw in the tapestry” like this is some kind of perk? I don’t want your dusty ass textiles, since when is that part of escrow?

I think this is the only sex scene I’ve ever seen that incorporates overalls. They’re just not a sensual garment.

“Shut your magic lips” - who would EVER SAY THIS?

The music cues are so over-the-top, beat-you-over-the-head insidious that it just slides into comical. You can only hear a piano keysmash so many times wile Dennis Quaid smiles creepily before it loses some punch, you know?

But don’t get me wrong - Dennis Quaid is balls-to-the-wall NUTS in this. Totally bonkers, and totally captivating. You really can’t take your eyes off him, even though he’s chewing scenery like a motherfucking wood chipper. His go-to move is to look like he just smelled something AWFUL, and you know what, it’s surprisingly effective! There’s one scene in which Quaid is alone in his hotel room and just staring at himself in a mirror, shirtless (because why not) that is one of the creepiest, most disturbing sequences I’ve ever seen. Like you have to give him credit for really going for it. 

In fact, the performances are hard to find flaw with across the board. I love Michael Ealy’s chill vibe and his sweet, easy rapport with Meagan Good. Their relationship feels lived in, real, and nuanced. They have real couple fights, and they have some baggage from their past that the performances really dig into. I appreciate that they seem to be doing a lot of character heavy lifting even though they have maybe not the best script to work with.

Side note - Michael Ealy in those grey sweatpants is just. Damn. I needed a minute.

Ok this script gets more and more awful by the minute. “No one ever tells you how hard it is to raise children.” Um, Charlie? That is literally all anyone ever tells you. I’m never having children, for many many reasons, but you know what one of the big ones is? Because everyone has told me that it’s like, really fucking hard.

There are approximately 17 too many dumb jump scares.

These logistic choices from the directors all lead to a sense of carelessness about the film. Like, during the big final showdown, it’s bright day, then dusk, then total night within a span of about 5 minutes. I recognize light is the trickiest element of a film shoot to control but this just feels lazy. And the biggest reveal of the movie centers around a door that is implied to be used dozens of times in secret. It is the SQUEAKIEST DOOR IN THE WORLD. So that implies the villain, who is trying to be as sneaky as possible and is portrayed as next-level anal retentive about the care and upkeep of his precious house, wouldn’t WD-40 that shit?? Lastly, Charlie’s big face-off with Annie and Scott culminates in one last big hit line, one last “fuck you” right? Except the sound mixing makes it impossible to determine what he said. No idea what that big final line was. People in my theater audibly went “Huh?” Unforgivable.

Instead the horror mainly comes from a general vibe of paternalistic old white man creepiness - like there’s a lot of slow motion groaning when Charlie is smelling Annie? And then there’s licking? So much more terrifying than a loud noise and a flash of lightning illuminating Charlie’s face.

Lastly, the ending. Why would Scott be ok with this plan? I understand needs must, but everything his character has told us up til now so adamantly and so fiercely makes this feel unearned and completely out of character. Like, for example, I’m terrified of spiders. Petrified. I would NEVER throw a spider at someone’s face in order to kill them even if it was the only way to do so AND ALSO THERE WERE OTHER WAYS SCOTT. Ugh. Just a lazy shart biscuit of a script.

Did I Cry? Hahahahaha NO.

If you’re desperate and really really love seeing Dennis Quaid go bananas, knock yourself out - you’ll probably enjoy the ride. Otherwise, you can probably skip this one. 

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[paulsebert]

Runaways S01E01 Thoughts

Going to hide these behind the cut for Spoilers.

The first Marvel property created in the current millennium lets hope they don't screw this up.

And the official  title lets us know it's “Marvel's Runaways” as not to let us think this is a biography of Joan Jett.

The opening is like this little mini-horror movie and if you've seen the plot twist at the end of the first issue of the original series it's made all the more horrible because you know where this is going.

“What's this like a cult?”  “We don't use that word...” - If you ever hear anyone say that in real life say that just leave the room.

Our villains are allowed to basically engage in a public kidnapping because of society's ingrained distrust of non-English speaking Latinos.  Ouch...

The official intro sequence looks to be dropping as many hints about the actual characters while simultaneously obscuring the fact this is a superhero show.  The synthesizer sound has a little bit of a modern synth meets retro John Carpenter feel. Didn't care for it the first time I listened to it but it grew on me.

We cut in to see Alex Wilder playing video games.  You know how the original comic starts with the kids playing a superhero MMO?  Wouldn't it be a hoot if he was playing Marvel Online the week that it gets killed?

Alex is an introvert who appears to have some sort of depression issues and perhaps some unhealthy emotional hang-ups as we learn he's still got issues over a girl he broke up with two years ago. A curious choice for our POV character. If the show follows the complete arc of the comics.

“You know it's like a charity organization and not like... the mob.”

We cut to Nico and we learn she has a missing or dead sister.  Curious how this will play out.

We cut to Chase and he's jacked! Also his dad establishes himself as creepy and emotionally abusive within seconds.

We see the Dean family in the Church of the Gibborum.  It's like Scientology and that Not-Really-Scientology church from Kurt Busiek's Avengers run had a baby. Karolina's mom is the woman we saw take the girl at the per-credits sequence.  Oh shit...

Gert and Molly are like step-sisters in this continuity.  I guess Molly's name and race change in this incarnation is an easy way to get around the whole “no Mutants” rule.  I wouldn't put it past Fox to put a “Molly Hayes” and her parents in this continuity.  The Steins are like embarrassing wacky sitcom parents and the most “normal” of the Pride.  I get a very Daria-esc vibe from Gert,  Molly is written as if she were like 12-13 but looks the same age as the rest of the kids.

“They're teenagers, the last thing they're interested in is what their parents are doing.”

Alex's parents have a giant room just for creepy cult rhobes.  Karolina's mom has a hundred year old dude hooked up to what could best be described as some sort of S&M life support system. That's a new addition and a damn creepy one.

Runaways is presented by “Discover Los Angeles.”  Did the Los Angeles board of tourism really mean to sponsor a show that presents their city as run by a murder cult?

Gert wants to start a club to smash the patriarchy. Her classmates aren't interested by I support this endeavor.  Gert's kinda tongue-in-cheakly set up as the young idealist the kind that gets demeaned online as a “Social Justice Warrior” but... she's kinda perfect.

Gert meets Chase and there's obvious friction.  Gert stumbles across the two and is snarky. Karolina comes along and there is friction between her and Gert because Gert thinks the cult-like organization that raised her is totally a cult. Also she's not that big on organized religion in general.  

Chase is struggling with Spanish yet can't ask for a tutor because... well despite being in this episode for less than two minutes I think the guy's a psychopath.  Gert offers to tutor him. Subtle flirting...

Alex wants to talk to Nico but Nico is ignoring him because she's still mourning her (presumably) dead sister. Meanwhile we learn that Karolina is being cyberbullied over being in a totally obvious cult. So many painful feels...  Karolina comments on Nico's beauty and we get our first hint at her sexuality.

“Some people hide behind makeup, others behind a smile... they're still hiding.”- Ouch...

Molly is having cramps and some mysterious medical issues so she goes to the school nurse.  We learn that Molly's parents died in a fire which means they either had to cut back on the cast or legal rights.  Maybe Molly's Parents will be villains on the next season of The Gifted.  Also Molly has a bad case of CGI glowing eyes.

Wait if Molly is Gert's step-sister why hasn't she taken the “York” family name?

Karolina is being interviewed for some kinda profile or documentary on the church.  The girl we saw in the prologue says that “you're really lucky to have your mom...”  Hoo boy...

Molly's super-strength has already kicked in and she almost gets herself killed trying to figure it out. We get to see her pus a Volkswagon mini-bus!

We finally cut to the Pride's annual party.  Chase's dad gives me more psychopath vibes.  I want a prequel series about the Yorkes being wacky sitcom parents. Ms. Wilder has no idea how they were allowed in their murder-cult.

We actually get to see some of the Pride talking to each other like normal parents which is nice. Though Karolina's mom is still cheerfully creepy while Mr. Stein has a Patrick Bateman vibe.

The kids turned down Alex's invitation to hang out and he is sad.  Chase blew off Gert's study invitation to hang out with frat-looking bros, she is sad.  Karolina trying to sneak out and winds up at the same party as Chase.  There's a dude who looks way too old to be there handing out pills.  Stranger danger Karolina!  Meanwhile  Nico is on the beach doing witchy things.  Gert sends Molly a text message to feed the “pets.” (Old Lace)

Karolina sees two girls making out at the party and it's like a lightbulb goes off!  Gay people exist in the advanced Marvel Cinematic/Television Universe!  She takes off her bracelet and starts glowing... She then passes out. Chase sees two boys carrying her off and oh no...

The Steins have a mad science lab with a bunch of animals in cages and an ominous door labeled “Keep Out.” Molly gets her first glimpse at Old Lace and tears a door off trying to get away.  She calls Gert and wants to get out of the house because there's seriously weird stuff going on.  Now where might they go?

Chase sees two guys about to date-rape Karolina and kicks the shit out of them. I have mixed feelings on this. One one hand I'm against date-rape as a cheap plot  device (particularly in a teen drama) but I'm 100% for attempted date-rapists getting the shit kicked out of them.  Karolina recovers and she doesn't want to go home.

Whatever it is that Nico was trying to do with her beach witch ritual it ain't working. The kids all finally decide to go meet Alex.

Everyone is still weird, stressed out, and still mourning. Amy is confirmed as dead.  It's like this weird therapy session.  Chase decides that the only way to take the stress out of the situation is underage drinking.  Yep... still a dumbass.

The kids see that the parents are gone and start sneaking around. Wouldn't you know it there's a trap door. You know what's coming...

The girl from the beginning is the one being sacrificed made the more horrifying by the fact that Karolina recognizes her.  Rather than being stabbed she's shoved into some kind of glowing space coffin.  We get a cliffhanger as Mr. Wilder asks “what the hell was that?!”

Final Verdict: Some interesting changes... I kinda of wish they got to the party earlier but the young cast is great, the glimpses of special effects are good, and they didn't screw it up!

Final Grade: B+