#but for anything else within art? fuck nah it defeats the purpose of even doing art in the first place

[beepbeepkazoo]

ah so every single digital tablet maker is pro ai im going to kms

[greyzone]

‘IS THIS IT?!!!’

I woke up this morning and had a panic attack whilst in the shower. I have only had a couple of these in my life – and all of them triggered by varying versions of this one thought;

‘Is this it?’

Perhaps my lack of sleep pushed my emotions into overdrive, ultimately prompting this visceral response. However, this isn’t my first rodeo. It lies deeper than I’d care to admit. I know I won’t be able to figure this shit out in one article, so I’m sure this will be a recurring theme – just an FYI readers!

I’ll tell you what I do know – this feeling of anxiety transcends all major aspects that make me, me; job, career, relationships, body issues, family, societal expectations, hobbies. And they usually pop up one at a time. They surface, say hi, we have an argument and then everything returns to normal. But this morning’s volcano of emotions felt like every single issue I have, wanted their five minutes stage time simultaneously. Every fucking voice in my head was so loud, it took all my strength to try and quiet them. And six hours into my day, they still haven’t shut up.

COOL! Happy Monday, am I right?!

To make it easier (for me) I’m going to focus on just one voice today.

I call her, Norma-Jean. She’s in charge of my career path and job.

And this morning she asked ever so vibrantly whilst I was trying to prepare for the day, is this it? Is this our life, Jen? A sometimes actress with no ambition or drive? A try-hard who would rather eat pizza than make change? A full-time office worker, who doesn’t care to raise the bar?

Well, Norma-Jean, firstly - thank you for interrupting my morning and turning me into a inconsolable blubbering mess. I really LOVE this kind of start to my week. And secondly, no - I don’t want this to be it. 

I want more. I crave growth and purpose. But I’m clutching at straws because there’s nothing that I am passionate ENOUGH about or care ENOUGH about to warrant chasing. And I thought I’d have this shit locked down by now, you know? 15-year-old Jen, was like – yeah, by the time I’m 30, gonna be hot, a successful actress, married and babies - BOOM. Fast-forward 16 years and I’m none of those things. And what’s more, Norma-Jean, is I don’t think I want them anymore. 

(I feel like if Norma-Jean was a real character, she’d be looking at me blankly. Maybe only blinking now and then. Mouth agape).

I’ll continue my rant, shall I?

I thought I wanted to be an actor, Norma-Jean. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been performing. Magic shows. Singing. Dancing. Monologuing the shit out of Shakespeare. But, in all honesty, I really can’t be bothered anymore. The politics that comes with this industry (well, all industries, right?) the networking, the chumminess, the conversations, the smell of desperation, the incest, the constant smiles, the harrassment, the impact every ‘no’ had on me when I was fresh to the game - it takes its toll. I moved to Melbourne for you, Norma-Jean, in the pursuit of our acting career. And yeah, I have done some cool stuff along the way to make up for the sacrifices I’ve made (guest role on Neighbours, Utopia, Newton’s Law, recurring role on The Wrong Girl – currently the face of FLYBUYS, which is the most random thing I’ve ever been selected for!) But, I’m still working full time to pay for this acting habit and I’m no-where near where I thought I’d be. 

So, if I’m honest, Norma-Jean, I’m tired. I just don’t care enough about acting anymore to put all of my energy into it. And this gear change in energy and passion is also devastating to admit, because I’m grieving my childhood dream. And I don’t have a new one to grasp onto, Norma-Jean!

People in this industry have always said, if there’s anything else you’re passionate about, do that instead. Well, Mr AdviseIDidn’tAskFor, what if I don’t have anything else that I’m passionate about? AND what if the one thing I’ve got a degree in, spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on, have sacrificed so much time, energy, and emotions for, just doesn’t blow my skirt up anymore? What am I supposed to do now, huh? What dream am I chasing?

The same kind of people also say, stay creative – do something within the arts. What the fuck does that mean? I’ve only ever wanted to act, and now that that’s a ghost of dreams past, what do you suggest?

Directing?

Nah.

Drama-turg?

Nah.

Producer?

Nah.

Don’t fucking care.

I also see the other talent out there, and you know what – they’re just better. I don’t admit defeat – but they just have more gusto and edge than I do. They like going to networking events and being in the know. They like being in the pocket of casting directors. They like looking good and dressing well. They like breaking down scripts and challenging themselves. They like finding work outside of acting but still in the industry. Me? These days, I’d rather sit in my lounge room and wait for Steven Spielberg to knock on my door, than try knocking on his. Acting has turned into a ‘hobby’. And I think ‘hobby’ is too strong a word. 

I just cannot be bothered with anything, anymore, Norma-Jean. My job, my supposed ‘career’ – none of it. And there’s nothing else I can think of that makes me go, ‘oh yay, I’m gonna get out of bed and do that!’ I’m waiting for that lightbulb moment. I’m waiting to replace you, Norma-Jean! For something or someone to walk around the corner and say, ‘Hi! I’m Judy! I’m your new career path! Let’s make magic together!’ 

But…I can’t do this yet because;

I don’t know what I want.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t know what makes me happy.

I don’t know what motivates me.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY FUCKING LIFE.

How am I supposed to find a new dream to chase when there’s nothing that curls my tail? How am I supposed to figure out a new path when I don’t want to be the captain or the pilot? How am I supposed to figure out my next steps when none of my shoes fit anymore?

So, thank you Norma-Jean for reminding me of how lost I am. If you need me, I’m going to be in my office, working my full time job that’s going no-where, pondering my existence and the reason why I even bothered to get up this morning. FML.